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Messages - KeepUpTheGoodWork

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101
Porn Addiction / Re: What do you think of articles like this?
« on: August 24, 2016, 09:45:13 AM »
Jason Winters hasn't debunked a thing...

I also checked out his site yesterday to see where he's coming from. Guess what... he has his own program for helping you quit porn addiction. Shocker! He's trying to protect his own interests in the business of healing.

102
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 23, 2016, 02:47:42 PM »
Something was bugging me about my counter. How did I hit 7 days clean on the 22nd when I PMO'd on the 16th?  Turns out I miscalculated my streak and added a free day. So, today is the real 7 day-streak, but since I've already updated it to a new 30 day goal. I'm just gonna roll with it.

If anyone notices the change - I didn't relapse - just a regular lapse in math skills ;-)

103
**Forum Rules-Guidelines-Suggestions** / Re: Tracking Your Progress
« on: August 23, 2016, 10:37:09 AM »
Sorry to necro this thread - is there a way to get local time calculated on the counter? I'm a week in, but I just realized that technically my counter is calculating my success early because I'm at GMT-7.

For example, yesterday it was already giving me credit for August 23 although it was still the 22nd for 7 hours for me.

Any way to fix that?

Edit: I realized that miscalculated my streak, so I've corrected it and I should hit my real goal again in 5 hours. Woooo!

104
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 23, 2016, 10:30:28 AM »
Well as of today, I've done 100 meditation sessions with headspace. I'm pretty happy with that. Unfortunately, it's not a 100 day streak (that would be awesome) but it's still progress and streaking isn't a requirement.

The daily meditations have been great and I've learned a lot about myself. I have one more session to go in my Patience pack and from there I might try the acceptance pack. The patience pack is interesting because it happened to coincide with a lesson on patience that I read on Purity is Possible. I had to make the connection for myself, but it's not tough.

Really the idea is to find patience, generosity and kindness within ourselves first and then simply apply that feeling to those around us.

It's amazing and it changes you. It's changed me. I've learned to be more generous with myself. Now that I am almost done with patience, I'm learning that it's very similar and having patience with myself is going to be very huge in my reboot.

Have a thought (craving) and label it, oh that's a craving, and let it be. Don't act on it, or try to push it away. Notice it, and carry on. Be generous with my patience. Have repeated cravings all day? It's okay, don't be frustrated. Feel the cravings and label them. "Oh! There's that craving again." And move on.

So far my reboot hasn't been all that bad. Last night before bed I felt the cravings and an aching that I usually associate with my craving, but I just lived with them. I noticed that they became more pronounced when I decided to play some video games. So, now I'm wary of how video games may be a trigger for me (oh please god, no!). I'll just have to be mindful of it.

Then last night I had a sex dream with my girlfriend and it was so intensely good. I didn't have a wet dream but it was the first sex dream I  have had in a long time.

I was trying to figure out why I seem to be having these feelings so early in my reboot and I've decided that it's not really early in it. Technically, I already went 7 days prior to my last PMO and before that, it was like 10 days. So for some, that would be near 30 days progress with two relapses.

Actually, that's been my life for the last 2.5 years. So, I don't know. I'll just keep reporting what's going on.

105
I actually thought your counter was as mistake as you seem such an expert! Nevermind, improvements can be made. I can remember how I felt the initial months. It gets better! Just think of the benefits, work out, resist porn, feel better!
I'm still having some depressing days but overall, I'm so much better than I was mentally in January this year.

Well I just decided to try to be more accountable for my actions. I've actually been trying for over two years to quit using porn. I've read articles, taken up mindfulness, etc, etc. but I never took the step to be more accountable.

This time, I'm on here, I'm sharing my experiences, trying to help if I can and being more open about my struggles with it. My girlfriend is on board too. Prior to this time, I would occasionally let her know when I slipped, but I kept a lot of secrets from her and it was ruining our relationship.

Early on in our relationship, I had issues with ED and DE, and even now I still have those problems, albeit not as often. I guess it's been more like a long, soft reboot for me, and I'm ready to go all the way this time and be serious.

Also, I'm re-reading a lot of stuff right now, so it's still fresh in my head. I learned about karezza like 8 days ago. ;-)

I'm really impressed with the progress you've made - seriously, the streak is fantastic and continued progress will only be easier when you have someone to share it with. Good luck!

106
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 22, 2016, 07:56:02 PM »
Well, I've been counting the minutes and I've just hit my first 7 days. There is something different about this time so far. I feel good, educated and empowered to do all the right things.

I think the forum has a lot to do with it. Maybe on my own, I felt... well, alone. But I like trying to help and discuss things in the forum.

I've felt almost no cravings this entire week. It's bizarre. Maybe I've also successfully avoided triggers as well. It's very early to tell what is going on.

The only thing left to do is increase my goal to 30 days and go for it.

Edit: I needed to save this image!

107
Keepupthegoodwork, thanks so much for that response. Yea she's an amazing woman and so damn cool and sexy.

Thanks for the tip on Karezza, definitely looking that up right now!! One positive thing that this whole experience has given me is that now I'm finally discovering my natural mojo I'm determined to make up for lost time and (try) become a total expert in the bedroom.

Oh and porn is not an option ever, anymore.

Thanks mate.

Yeah 206 days! That's crazy. I'll get there... in 200 more days haha.

108
Thanks for this story, Gabe!  I agree with @Big Lebowski that I likely started with "innocent" PMO at a young age, and then when I was slapped in the face by multiple real life adult problems in my early 20's, PMO became the twice daily habit it became.

On the other hand, I'm also intrigued by this because I have a girlfriend who overcame an eating disorder and she insists that I need to figure out what trauma in my life triggered this so that I can get over it.

I've tried over and over, and I can't figure it out. I keep coming back to the idea that I was 12 years old and my dick was awesome. That's it.

109
Porn Addiction / Re: Prostitutes....
« on: August 22, 2016, 02:49:57 PM »
Alright then, fair enough. I hope there are more women like that out there. I need to draw the line somewhere though, I'm sure as hell never supporting the diamond/marriage industry.

I'll probably drop that line from my profile in any case, because it might turn some good people off as you say. If I end up dating a whore who views me as a walking wallet then so be it. At least it's cheaper than actual whores if you keep yourself safe and know where to draw the line ;D

Haha I guess the point is, seeing a gold digger for what she is before you get too far becomes much easier. My brother was going down that road recently and had to cut it off. But then he moved to a new place (unrelated to his breakup) and now has a really cool female neighbor. They hang out all of the time. There really are plenty of nice, regular girls out there.

To your comment about the marriage industry, etc. My girlfriend and I agree totally. We don't want a diamond, or a massive party with 200 guests and crazy stress and debt.

They're out there man, they really are. Smart girls, with good heads on their shoulders that don't view you as a check book.

Good luck!

110
Duplicate post

111
@andyjee86  Hey man,I just caught up on your whole thread and it sounds like you're doing great. I didn't notice if you mentioned frequency of your sex, but also keep in mind that you could just be getting tired (which feeds anxiety, etc) from getting action all the time.

 One thing that porn does for many men is give use false ideas of what is expected from us in bed. You don't have to rock her world or give her seven O's or anything like that. Just have fun. I once had a friend (a woman) say that she hates it when it feels like a guy is just using her vagina to jack off. So, don't do that! Also, since you seem to do better when cuddling, read up on karezza sex, which is slow, intimate sex without orgasm. I've also read somewhere that slow, gradual sex is better after a reboot anyway. Maybe this is why?

 Anyway, it sounds like you have an awesome girlfriend. Stay away from porn and just enjoy each other. Intimacy doesn't stop when you get out of bed. Be good to her and she'll be good to you.

 Much luck friend.

112
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 22, 2016, 09:23:46 AM »
Good luck man

Thanks! I'm a few hours away from 7 days and I'm feeling strong.

113
Porn Addiction / Re: Prostitutes....
« on: August 22, 2016, 09:13:14 AM »
I just had to comment - it's off topic- if you're taking someone on a date and you invite them to dinner, you should pay for dinner. It's not a money thing, it's a courtesy. When I read things life "she should pay her own way", it makes me cringe. I thought that too when I didn't know what I was taking about.

Now  occasionally you'll find someone who is just after a free meal. With enough practice,you can spot them a mile away. On the other hand, if you actually like a girl, would it kill you to buy her a burger?

Now on topic, I believe using prostitutes for your reboot isn't a good idea. In many cases it's an escalation of the addiction. It's like using heroine to quit pot. For those of you without significant others, use this time to become the best version of you that you can be. Becoming a part of your community and living socially can be as equally gratifying as having a sig other. For many of us, it's a great first step. I don't think hiring prostitutes counts as becoming more social.

I like how you word it as though it's just a learning experience for me, as though I just need to learn more about dating and can't possibly be of the opinion that women should pay for their own food :D

Alright, let's pretend I have no idea what i'm talking about/haven't already read up on the common experiences of men on dates.
Has a girl ever invited you on a date? Have they paid? Doesn't need to be a first date, just any date at all.
For that matter, has a girl ever actually asked you out? Have you noticed a trend perhaps where men typically do the inviting/planning for dates?

Would you care to delve deeper into common courtesy? Is it just common courtesy for women to put out? To clean my apartment? Do some laundry? Or is my dinner just paying for the pleasure of her company? Do you think maybe most of what women used to offer men is gone while we still desperately cling to "common courtesy"?

Do you value yourself so little that you believe time spent with you needs to be supplemented with free hamburgers?
You see, this is exactly the problem, women have given up their end of the bargain and now offer little more than sex, and some men like yourself are still much to stoic to admit that you are trading hamburgers for sex, and now every guy needs to pander to this narcissism lest they be labeled a "jerk"

It starts with a free hamburger, then it's a fancy 3000$ rock she can stick on her finger, and so on and so forth, all of this as women earn the exact same wages for the same work as men. Go ahead though, tell me how your experience is different, I'm intrigued.

You're over thinking the whole thing. Yes, I have been asked out, yes my girlfriend buys me things. I buy her things too. You know who won't buy you things? An escort. I'll try to frame my answer in a way so that it relates to the topic. In many ways this is why using prostitutes shouldn't be an okay alternative during a reboot.

A big step towards finding the person for you is being social and fun and putting yourself out there. So,  you've done a lot of reading about dating.  That's great,  but they're just guides. There isn't a step by step instruction manual,  unfortunately.

Putting yourself behind a wall that says "I'm never buying a girl anything" sends a few messages that you may not want to send. Those include lacks of generosity, patience, kindness. While on the other hand, demonstrating those qualities, which are innate in all people, will get you further in your pursuits.

Mindfulness practice helps a lot in this situation. It's important to remember that a majority of people out there are good, kind, generous and patient. And you can find someone out there who will pick up the tab, regularly, but that needs to be paid back with goodness, kindness, generosity and patience.

You asked me to mention my specific experience with this. I've found a wonderful woman to love and care for me. She gives me random gifts, makes me food, gives me massages and even plucks my ear hairs when I've got them. For my birthday she gave me a weekend trip to the mountains and last week she paid for a trip to Vegas. She has also shown me unlimited love, kindness, generosity and overall patience with me in my struggle.

Those are the reasons I'm here. I'm a porn addict and every time I jack off to artifical sexual stimuli, I lose her trust a little more. I lose her love, and her gifts, and her kindness,  generosity, and patience.

There is so much more at stake than a few bucks for a meal with someone who has all this potential. And you know what, I do value myself enough to say that I'm worth it, and she's worth it. I never regret buying her a sausage sandwich at our favorite brew pub on our first date, but I regret actively pushing her away every time I turn on my computer.

114
Porn Addiction / Re: Prostitutes....
« on: August 21, 2016, 11:44:20 PM »
I just had to comment - it's off topic- if you're taking someone on a date and you invite them to dinner, you should pay for dinner. It's not a money thing, it's a courtesy. When I read things life "she should pay her own way", it makes me cringe. I thought that too when I didn't know what I was taking about.

Now  occasionally you'll find someone who is just after a free meal. With enough practice,you can spot them a mile away. On the other hand, if you actually like a girl, would it kill you to buy her a burger?

Now on topic, I believe using prostitutes for your reboot isn't a good idea. In many cases it's an escalation of the addiction. It's like using heroine to quit pot. For those of you without significant others, use this time to become the best version of you that you can be. Becoming a part of your community and living socially can be as equally gratifying as having a sig other. For many of us, it's a great first step. I don't think hiring prostitutes counts as becoming more social.

115
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 21, 2016, 11:09:02 AM »
Well, I have a second to post, so I will while this is still fresh in my mind. This may contain triggers since it describes my sex this weekend. I'll try to keep it clean-ish.

Yesterday my gf and I had an oral-only day, which is something I asked her about doing sometime last month. It's one of two ways I know I can make her orgasm, so I pretty much always go down on her (like 99% of the time). I had asked if she would be willing to help me out more often. Which she was fine with.

So yesterday, that's what we did and it was fun. However, I did experience DE (maybe it was an hour, maybe 45 mins?!) and a little ED as well. [Edit: I ended up recalling a scene with a pornstar I like and eventually I came. I don't know why I left this out. Embarrassed? Lying to myself?] That has always been a problem with me and receiving. I'm hoping this reboot will help because it's something we both enjoy. Unfortunately, with how things are working down there, we pretty much have to block out our calendars to make it happen.

These issues while receiving have been around for quite a while (maybe over 10 years) and I think as I write in the journal I remember more about my issues than I did when I first posted. That's fine.

After we finished yesterday, I did feel very out of it (like a hangover) which I don't know if I've felt before or if I'm putting all new labels on things since I've been reading so much lately. I guess time will tell.

Well that's all I've got for now. Until next time...

116
Porn Addiction / Re: negative people
« on: August 21, 2016, 10:13:31 AM »
Removing someone from your life is a big step, so I think it's first important to consider whether you can live with him just the way he is.

I have a long-standing friend with a terrible girlfriend. I used to tell him all of the time about how she was no good and that they should break up. Then one day he got really angry with me and told me "Dude, I know what you think of my girlfriend. So when I want your opinion, I'll ask you."

I valued his friendship so much that I would rather keep my mouth shut about his girlfriend. It's coming up on 15 years now. He's miserable and I still don't tell him how I feel. When he asks for help, I very politely remind him that he knows how I feel and then I'll try to address the specific problem he is asking about. For us, it works and we're actually much better friends for it.

Sometimes you just need to learn to live and let live and appreciate people for who they are and not what you want them to be.

117
Porn Addiction / Re: Reboot turning weird
« on: August 20, 2016, 06:32:28 PM »
I'm not going to call you names, and I'm not here to pass judgement onto another addict, even though I do feel infuriated reading your post.
What I am going to do is encourage you to get professional help right now.
Seriously.  You need to stop doing this immediately!

There's a very good chance that many of the women you've groped have stood frozen in shock, terrified and traumatized and humiliated while you violate their bodies in public.  People carry scars from these kinds of experiences for a very long time.  This is serious!

My advice... tell your loved ones about your problem.  Stop taking public transportation.  Stop putting yourself in those situations where you're able to grope women and get away with it.  Get professional help.  Make this a top priority in your life.

http://www.sexoffenderresource.com/national/

For what it's worth, something that motivates me to overcome my porn addiction is the thought that one day I will be capable of helping others overcome their addictions as well.  In your case, you could take this ugly, harmful, shameful part of yourself and turn it into something beautiful and positive.  It's not too late, but you have to start now.  No more groping!  No more victims!


They are kind of asking for it since most women now wear stretchy pants that show the exact shape of their ass. just sayin thats what realy made me watch porn so much is having to walk down the halls behind stretchy pants asses everyday. seeing that just makes me want to grab it or MO, obviosly the only option is to MO.

This is the most disgusting comment I've read on here so far. It's also not constructive to the conversation.

@OP I agree that your problem might be beyond the scope of this forum and you should seek professional help.

118
Porn Addiction / Re: Confession
« on: August 20, 2016, 11:59:44 AM »
I've blocked a lot of access to porn on my devices and I can still tell you other work arounds that I'm aware of and that I can't block. The sad truth is that it's so accessible. That's what caused the problem to begin with. As you mentioned, the time you've spent in recovery hasn't been lost. Be sure to do right by those you may have hurt. That should be an important focus right now.

119
Ages 30-39 / Re: Working another lost part of the Self.
« on: August 19, 2016, 11:33:16 PM »
Hey man, just dust yourself off and keeping trying. You only truly fail when you give up.

120
Ages 30-39 / Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 19, 2016, 11:21:02 PM »
So far I'm really enjoying the stories on the forum and I'm feeling great about my decision to join up. The last few days haven't been that bad. I'm pretty into mindful meditation already (coming up on 100 days on headspace.com this week) and it always helps early in my reboot attempts. I don't know if I was clear in my last post but basically I've been trying a reboot for the last two and a half years, only once made it to 21 days, and have pretty much set myself back every 7 days or so. For now, my first week should be a breeze.

My habit usually entails abstaining until I see my girlfriend and then letting in to bingeing for a few days after. I'm hoping to cut all PMO from the equation.

I'm at my girlfriend's this weekend. I'll have to give a better update once I'm back home on Monday. Monday is usually my big failure day.


121
Porn Addiction / Re: Sleeping nude....?
« on: August 19, 2016, 11:59:43 AM »
Been sleeping naked for the past 6 yrs, definitely is comfortable, not been in any group situations (camping, crashing at another persons place), so dont think I would there, but idk.

I don't do it in group situations and if we're staying at my gf's mom's house, we won't sleep nude.

122
Porn Addiction / Re: Sleeping nude....?
« on: August 19, 2016, 10:56:47 AM »
I was thinking the same thing as the two above. I sleep naked all of the time and I don't think it creates any extra cravings in my mind. It's comfortable and I sleep much better. In fact, when I do occasionally wear something to bed, I usually wake up with it on the floor.

I've also heard (and can confirm for myself) that it increases intimacy with your partner and encourages healthy sex. That's been my goal in all of this - to have normal, healthy sex - so my girlfriend and I sleep nude all of the time. We love the closeness of each other and it's very comfortable.  And moreover, it doesn't always trigger sexual feelings for us. So I believe it's possible to be nude, be close and not be triggered.

You'll have to figure out what works for you.

123
Ages 30-39 / How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« on: August 18, 2016, 10:06:40 PM »
Hey everyone. I wrote a really long rough draft of this, and hopefully I can get it down to a readable length. I'm 34, originally from New Jersey, now living in California. I was laid off from my job of 12 years in January. I am currently studying for my PMP (Project Management Professional) Certification in hopes that it lands me a super sweet job that pays twice as much as my last one (one can hope, right?).

I'm one of the generation that is on the digital cusp. I had a computer in the house because my Dad worked in computers since I was young, but I didn't need to have one of my own until after college. My first cell phone spent most of its time dead in my truck's glove box.

I started seeking out porn when I was about 11 or 12 and discovered my Dad's mail-order VHS catalogs. At first the images (regular ol' sex) turned my stomach, but I still liked going back to look at them. Eventually I found some hidden tapes and I can still remember parts of them. At this point though, I didn't really know what I was doing and I didn't actually PMO for a few months into this whole discovery phase.

It was maybe a year later that I started getting more into the computer and I was doing simple game mods and writing my own MIDI songs to put into them. The music part stuck and I still write and play music to this day. Unfortunately, the other thing that stuck was internet porn - although I don't know if it exactly counts as high speed when you're waiting for an image to load....one.... pixel.....at......a.....time.

At this point, it almost wasn't worth it to find images online, and I think I had a fairly normal adolescence of just thinking about sexy things in my imagination. But soon the tech got better and I could find video clips (30 second clips were like a gift from God!) and I think you can guess what happened from there.

I lost my virginity at 15 years old but I also kept up my habit and it just escalated as the tech got better and better.

By the time I was in college, I would sometimes sneak a peek on my roommate's computer or I would use my Dad's when I was home.  Eventually I had my first regularly sexual relationship with a girl who had a boyfriend, and man was that exciting.  Not long after that stopped (read as: we got found out), I had my own girl and we had sex all of the time.

This is when I first started noticing some ED issues. I'm chalking that up to having some sort of sexual encounter, either sex or PMO, every single day.

Fast forwarding a little here - After college I had a rough patch - that girl dumped me and I started drinking more. I was living on my own and that's when I can confirm for a fact my daily habit became ingrained - morning and night, in bed. The truth is, it was probably already a daily habit, although I specifically remember being excited about having my privacy when I got my place.

I had two or three sexual encounters during that time, but each one was plagued with a little ED, really delayed ejaculation and all the accompanying anxiety about it.

Now, it's been about 10 years since that time. I've been dating a new girl for the last 2.5 years and I'm sure she's the one. It didn't take too long into our relationship to discover that we both masturbated daily. So we decided "hey, let's stop that and save it for when we get together". And that's when it hit me. I couldn't stop.

My longest abstinence streak in the last 2.5 years has been 21 days. I would tell my girl occasionally when I slipped, but not often enough. I actually stopped having my ED symptoms and otherwise, I function just fine down there, so it really hasn't been a physical issue. Emotionally however, it's taking its tool. I am showing all of the distance, objectification and other anti-social behaviors that go along with prolonged porn use. It's messing up my relationship.

In recent months, I've started trying filters and website blockers, but then I started using P-subs, and other work arounds.

Finally, two days ago, I was frustrated that I just couldn’t stop and I started reading yourbrainonporn and watching the reboot videos. It hit me like a bolt of lighting - I am out of control. And again, I confessed to my girlfriend as if it was all new to me. She reminded me of the other times I already figured it out, and I was shocked that I hadn’t actually remembered how badly I had hurt her in the past. I allowed myself to completely forget in my day-to-day and it slipped away. Using porn became more important all over again.

Despite that, she’s still supporting me and my decision to reach out for help.

Back in 2011, I ended up in AA as a part of a court order for a DUI. I sat and listened and thought, "I’m nothing like these guys." And honestly, I truly believe I don’t have a drinking problem. I can drink or not drink, I can have one, I can be social, and it doesn’t become an obsession. Not like porn does. I can’t dip my toe in these waters.

So with that...

My first goal is 7 days and then 30. I've never seen 30.


Oh and in case you were wondering, yeah my draft was longer...  :o :-[ :-X


Edit: eh, I had my real name in there and decided to take it out.

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