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Messages - aquarius25

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26
I am so very sorry for all of the destruction that you and your family are experiencing. It really breaks my heart to hear about families being broken. I am praying for you and your kiddos. I am glad to hear how you have managed to continue to progress in recovery and I really appreciate all of your insight on this forum. I am so very sorry for your hurt. I really hate porn.

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Porn Addiction / Re: Just lost my family
« on: May 25, 2019, 01:57:06 PM »
I am a partner and the wife an a porn addict who lied for a long time. I understand how that feels and it sucks. I don't know your situation and I certainly don't know where your wife is at but one thing I do know is she is hurting too. You have children together so she will always be in your life. Start today. Be the man you want your kids to be. Be an example of what it looks like to crawl out of the darkness and walk with integrity. I am not her so I can't really say if forgiveness is an option or not but I do know that is will not be if you just sit in feeling sorry for yourself self. I am not trying to be harsh but to give you perspective. Set back and think about her perspective and what you would need had she done this to you? Start today. Make goals, small ones to start. Communicate, even if she isn't responding much I guarantee you she is listening. Read the book " Love you, Hate Porn" it is good. It will give you some insight as to a partners perspective. A lot of men don't realize that scary place a partner finds herself in. They love their husband but at the same time he is the one who is causing the hurt. He is lying and it makes their reality feel shaky and uncertain, they feel unsafe. Weather you patch it up or not you need to help her feel safe again and the very first step is honesty and recovery. Encourage her to come on here too and get support from some of the other partners. It is really hard and partners don't always have someone they feel comfortable talking to so having a place where there are other women who have been there is huge. She needs to know she is not alone.

I am truly sorry for you and your family but there is always hope if you are willing to work for it. If she does come on here let her know she can reach out to me if she wants. I am happy to encourage anyone who is hurting because I know how much it can hurt. Both of you should read partners journals and start trying to talk, if not for your relationship at least for your kids.


28
Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:37:56 AM »
So while I was reading this thread my husband came in and I shared it with him. He used to come on here as Metal22. Anyway his response I thought was good so I wanted to share it. He said one of the things he did (and I remember him talking about this during his recovery from time to time) and still tries to do is to get back to the feeling of life before technology. He tries to set a goal once a week of doing something he really enjoys that is fulfilling and gratifying that doesn't include a screen at all. We are makers and we own a business welding things for our work. He tries to make one thing that is just for him. He says it really helps him get back to who he is. He said in the early part of his reboot when he was really tempted he started doing this to get his mind to focus on something other than porn. Instead of wasting hrs in front of a screen we now have a beautiful coffee table and some really cool art! It is a story written in craft about his recovery. He gets to appreciate the labor of his recovery. I think it makes me love those things so much more. I mention this as encouragement to others. If you are struggling and feeling tempted maybe now is the time to learn a new skill. It could be a simple as learning a new instrument, drawing, running, anything. If it is helpful great!

29
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:23:33 AM »
I just noticed this thread was originally from 2014. This is a great thread and I am glad it has been brought back up. Interesting and astute thoughts Rich! I agree quite a bit with your perspective! One question I have for you is this.... living in the culture we have today how would you go about trying to replicate this porn free world while navigating life today? Are there certain things you would do or say to protect the future generation from this distorted life? I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on a call to action. While I agree and appreciate your view I am always looking for different ways to put it to action, lol. You know, gotta try to make the world a better place and all, lol.

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Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:59 PM »
I think this is a great thread. We still use a VHS player!!! My kids watch all kinds of classics. Yes the 80's were pretty fantastic, being 36 myself, but there are a lot of great ways to get away from technology in today as well. We hike a bit, go on cycling day trips. We cook together and visit farmers markets. When we are sitting down to eat at a restaurant or at home we don't have our phones in that room and don't bring them out at the table. That is time to talk, laugh, and connect. Our kids are only allowed 4 hrs per week of screen access. We just increased it because of an online science class they are taking. That is enough time to take their class, watch 1 movie per week, and 1 extra hr for research on a topic of interest. That really is all they need it for anyway, right? Maybe we are just too weird and strict but I try to let them have a childhood full of life not screens. They are outside all the time, they build, play, and adventure. Those are all of my favorite parts of the 80's and I am glad to see my kids get that experience. It takes more self-control but yes it is still possible.

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For myself I tend to see the line between habit and addiction is about your brain and dopamine. I know for my husband it may have started as a habit but at some point his brain started receiving dopamine hits from this and he defiantly crossed a line. The things he viewed were not something he wanted to view. Yes there is choice involved but at a chemical level when someone is "addicted" your brain is defiantly fighting against your choice. Now let me be clear, I am not saying this as an excuse at all. It is a battle he created, he chose to view in the first place but at some point there is a line where it goes beyond choice and that is addiction. That doesn't mean he can't choose to quit, but more that he has a lot more of a hurdle to over come. It isn't just choosing not to view porn like choosing not to wear a certain shirt or something. He has to detox the loss of dopamine that his brain is receiving. His brain will do whatever it can to continue to receive that hit of dopamine that it is dependent on. People can experience addiction with all sorts of things, try to stop eating sugar cold turkey, it is not so simple, lol. I truly believe that self control is a character trait that our culture doesn't really encourage and as a result of not teaching it in early stages of development it has made it a lot easier to become addicted to things. Sorry, side rant, lol. SO for my husband, yes he has a choice, but being aware of his addiction and equipping himself with the education of what his body and brain are doing to literally fight against him he has a better chance of success. He will be better equipped to not fall into "choosing" to watch porn. He will understand when every part of his being is craving that and he can start to recognize when his brain is trying to rationalize how "just one look won't hurt anything". He now recognized that is his brain crazing dopamine and he can do something about it.

Understanding addictions is not excusing the behavior. Accountability is still there and he is still responsible for his actions however, not being fully educated and understanding the full severity of the situation may set a person up for failure and could just add more shame which in turn creates more urge and desire to go back to the addiction. Also for an SO it helps me have a better understanding of what is happening. I know the person he is and the person he is when viewing are two very different people. He looks back on his actions and is flabbergasted by what he did and how he behaved. It helps me to be more understanding and not take everything so personally and internalize all of it. I would say this perspective has helped my recovery as much as his.

Again this is just my perspective. You certainly don't have to agree.  Whatever works for you in your recovery is great as long as your are recovering!

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: May 17, 2019, 07:41:39 AM »
Most SO's post their journals in the woman's section of the journal area. Its at the very bottom, lol. There are a few woman who struggle porn addiction who post their journals there as well so they are all a bit mixed but for the most part that area has partner journals.

33
I think that really depends of your views of addiction. I know my husband is almost 3 yrs porn free (next month is his official date) and he views himself as an addict for life but the difference is weather he is choosing to be recovering or not. He says he likes this because there will always be a tendency buried deep in his subconscious. He says that he has heard of several men who walked away for years only  to be right back at square one. Every time he asks them what happened he hears different versions of how they let their guard down and figured this was in the past and somehow they are back at square one. So for him he doesn't believe in "Cured" but more that he is consciously choosing to recover. No one is ever fully recovered because we are all works in progress right? We are all recovering from something, lol. I agree with this thought process because it encourages continued growth no matter who you are, how long it has been, and where you are in life. There is always room to grow.

I am sure other people share different perspectives. You just need to figure out what is the right one for you. Just like no two addicts are exactly alike no two recoveries are exactly alike either. Good luck and many blessings to you!

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 14, 2019, 07:59:44 PM »
Bench was 80kg, Back Squat was 120kg, Deadlift was 171kg and that was what I get the state record in for my weight category. It was really cool! Even my hubby was shocked I could pick up that much weight, lol. I am hoping to have a 400lb (181kg's ish) by the end of this year. I'm so close!

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 13, 2019, 01:19:21 PM »
Haven't posted in a while just busy with life. I did a power lifting competition and set a state record. I can honestly say I never thought I would be capable of anything like that. I love working out and lifting but I am not one of those fit looking ladies either. I am just a regular person. It was so empowering to try something, focus, train hard, and see what I am capable of. Knowing my kids are watching me, seeing me not give up and work hard, seeing me try something new even at 36! My husband was really encouraging and proud of me. It was nice to see the look in his eyes and realize that he has seen this capacity in me for years but I never saw it in myself. He has made comments from time to time just saying that he is sorry for his actions and how they have impacted me and my self confidence. It feels good to learn more of who I am and who God has designed me to be. Learning more about myself and having my husband walk along side me in this process.
Setting new goals and looking for the next adventure. Getting our passport and foreseeing some travel in our future. Overall life is good.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: May 13, 2019, 01:10:56 PM »
Outside influences can make a big difference. Glad you are staying focused.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: May 13, 2019, 12:57:29 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this but I am very glad you reached out! Yes, it does hurt very much! The hurt doesn't go away overnight either. Over time with healing it does lessen though, that I can attest to. I feel like my husband and my relationship is forever changed. We can't go back but we can work to make tomorrow better. First thing is to work on you and feeling healthy and secure. His addiction is just that...his. He needs to work on that, he needs to communicate and the two of you can figure out what boundaries and communication you are comfortable with but now is time for you. I would really encourage you to figure out who you are and who you want to be. I know for myself I felt so hurt and like I wasn't enough. Well that is just a porn lie! You are enough, you are more than enough and his porn addicted brain doesn't get to determine your worth! It hurts so much but know you can get through this. Take it one breath at a time. Trust is built and that takes time as anything that is build overnight is not the quality you want in your relationship. It is ok to not trust him for a while. You can still love him and not like his behavior and not trust his words. I have learned in our relationship we had to define a new normal for us. There are parts that I love and are better than before and there are parts that are sad and will never be the same but at the end of the day I love him and we still choose to walk side by side together. It is not easy but know you are not alone.

I would encourage you to read some of the partners journals too. Feel free to comment and engage. Make a journal for yourself as well. I know it has helped me so much. If you ever want to reach out feel free to PM me as well. Again I am sorry you are hurting but I am glad you have found support. That is the first step!


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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: May 03, 2019, 07:45:14 AM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your words bring me right back to where I was those first few months. I know sometimes you feel crazy but know you are not and just keep breathing.

As far as not trusting but wanting to, I felt the same way. Overtime I have changed my thought on this. You don't have to trust him. He has broken that trust and it needs to be rebuilt. That does not happen overnight. Love him yes, but that does not mean you need to trust him. You can love someone and still want to wring their neck, LOL!!! It is ok to say "I love you, I do not like you right now, I do not trust you right now, but I love you". Just be sure you continue to communicate! I have always felt that when communication stops that is when the real separation and divide occurs. That is where your mind runs crazy and where you can give up. It is hard to continue to talk and communicate when you are so angry/hurt/mad but just keep trying. If talking is too much then write letter to each other, just keep reaching out.

As far as shemale porn, just like others have said porn warps the brain. I think they crave taboo and anything that seems naughty. Porn thrives on secret and makes you feel shame. I think my husband was actually addicted to that feeling of shame sadly. As a result he would view anything that made him feel like this is not ok and that he is not normal. That is just his brains way of finding dopamine. It is an addiction. I am pretty sure when he is years past this he will be shocked my what he used to view. This doesn't not define him and who he is, this is an addiction. He has to won it and deal with it. It is not a reflection of you or how much he loves you at all.

Hang in there and just keep breathing.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:48:34 AM »
Gerorgos, an acting class is great and encourages interaction as well but I also believe that some form of 2D or 3D art that you can also practice at home is good for using the right side of your brain more. I think considering how introspecting you are that you might find you really enjoy taking these philosophic concepts and putting imagery around them. Just a thought. Good luck to you!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: March 26, 2019, 12:49:47 PM »
So I have just read a large part of this journal. I have to say I completely respect just how much you put into your analysis and thoughts. Quite the deep thinker and defiantly appreciated your perspective on many things. I am inclined to agree with Malando though, you gotta take a risk as well. Thinking and philosophizing is only one part of the life experience. What about feeling? I understand that individuals that are very deep thinkers tend to live in the mind more but I do believe that a balance is important. Have you considered taking an art class? That might be a good way to try? Art is very expressive and can be feeling base as well as intellectual. Taking a class also lends itself to you being around others and having the opportunity to interact, connect, and hear as well as see different perspectives of art. Just a thought. I mean this post to be encouraging and hope you receive it as such.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: March 26, 2019, 12:20:04 PM »
Life keeps moving. Recently someone my husband had received a lot of encouragement from in his early days of recovery had reached out to him again. My husband didn't give me details but just said that if felt good to encourage someone who he received so much encouragement from. He also said that it was a good wake up call to never take things for granted and get too comfortable. Even years down the road he still tried to hold the perspective of one day at a time. We both have tried to appreciate each other and our family so much more than we used to. I look back over this journey and especially in the early days there were many times I felt so hurt and wanted to call it quits but he was doing everything he could. He never gave up and seeing that and know how much I love him, well, I could give up either. I am so glad we stuck it out. I know he still gets urges and every now and then he will notice something and tell me, I can see this becoming a P-sub and I need to not go there or do that. I know that even years later he still can fall into a relapse and it isn't over but I am glad he is mindful and I am trying to be as well. Whatever happens I know I trust him to be honest with me. That feels good.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: March 21, 2019, 12:42:43 PM »
Glad you are still on track. I would encourage you to reach out to your wife. Anytime you start to feel like you don't have worth look at how far you have come. Also talk with her and tell her how you are feeling. I am sure she probably has a lot of things to say towards your worth. I know that because For a woman to stick by your side means you have a lot to offer. Yes those negative thoughts are going to come but don't let them get you down because you have come a long way! You have a lot more character and are working towards becoming the person you want to be. You have over come a lot and you are doing everything you can to become a better you! That is huge and amazing. Don't discount that, instead realize just how amazing your progress has been! You got this.

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I think this is great. We need to bring awareness to this problem and have it be more of a conversation in our culture. I think the shame element really makes this addiction so much worse and it isolates addicts and partners so the more we can connect and share the more opportunity for healing and growth can occur.

I sent you an email too! Thanks!

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Is Cold Turkey possible?
« on: February 22, 2019, 08:48:41 AM »
Redfire, lol!!! I typo all the time and sometimes they are big typos, lol. Like once I wanted to tell a partner that she is NOT alone and I forgot the NOT. I told she she is alone, how horrible, lol. Complete mistake, I felt so bad and like an idiot. It is nice to know that I am not the only one that does that, LOL!!!! You are awesome, Redfire, I love the support you bring to the forum.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: February 18, 2019, 12:42:48 PM »
Well I haven't posted on here in a bit so I thought I would just on and post real quite. February is always busy for us. It is when we try to squeeze in a work trip/ family getaway for a week or so and my daughter and I share a birthday as well! Turned 36 on the 9th and my daughter turned 9. It is fun to share a birthday with her because she gets so excited. I probably  wouldn't celebrate my birthday at all but she is so insistent on making sure I am honored as well as her. It is really sweet.

  Valentines day rolled around. I am not big on hallmark holidays so it isn't really a bit deal for us. I didn't get anything for my husband and he usually never gets me anything either but this year he surprised me....sorta, lol. He got me a new chainsaw and wood splitting axe. I feel like this present was for the both of us, lol. We tried them both out over the weekend and cut and split a few cords of wood. It was fun just hanging out and working together. We have been working together more lately as we have added a small contracting business to our other business and we have a few restoration projects (in addition to the house we are still finishing). It is fun to be side by side again. Our other business keeps me more at home running the office and helping homeschool and he ends up doing all the shop work. I have been taking 1-2 days a week and doing some construction and I love it. Feels good to get dirty, work hard, and come home exhausted. I feel accomplished oddly. Plus the added bonus of spending more time with my husband. One of the things he loves about me is the fact that I can work power tools and am not afraid of a big project and helping with it. I feel like we havne't worked side by side in a while so this has been almost like a second honeymoon of sorts for us.

Hope all is well with all of you!

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Is Cold Turkey possible?
« on: February 18, 2019, 12:25:59 PM »
First of all I want to say I am sorry dday18. It is never easy to be the partner of an addict, any kind of addiction for that matter. The hurt is real and very powerful. Know that you are not alone and that you have support here! I am sorry that you need this page but I am glad you found us!

As far as your husbands addiction and questions about cold turkey, yes it is possible. My husband quit after about 20 yrs of looking at pron and being addicted for most of it. It isn't easy but it is possible. He has to want to quit. Just like any addiction they have to hit rock bottom and realize that they have an addiction and want to make a change before any lasting change can happen, period. Know that it is not about you, they are an addict and they will do whatever they can to get the next dopamine hit. I would really encourage you to get counseling and support in person as well as from this site. Read some of the other partners journals and some of the addicts journals as well. Get familiar with what addiction is and arm yourself with as much info as you can. No two addicts are exactly alike but there are similar symptoms and it may give you some insight into what they are experiencing. Also read some books too. Encourage him to read them as well. This was very helpful to me and my husband. It gave us a language to communicate in and lot of prompting questions to get conversations started when it felt hard to talk. On that note, communicate! Tell him your concerns and how you are feeling and try to hear where he is at. All marriages need communication but when you add addiction into the mix it is absoutly paramount. Lastly, take care of yourself. This addiction can really take it's toll on partners so figure out what you need to be ok and feel secure and make sure you get that!!! That is so important, I seriously can't stress that enough.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you or anything. Feel free to reach out anytime! Again I am sorry that you are in this situation but I am glad that you have found us! You are not alone!

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Worried
« on: February 15, 2019, 02:15:53 PM »
First I want to say I am sorry for your situation and your hurt. It just really sucks. Second, the fact that you both have worked through porn addiction before shows that you can bring it up and he knows that it is a boundary in your relationship. One thing I want to caution is to be sure you are comfortable with the boundaries before you draw red lines in the sand. The bigger issue is about communication and connection. You can tell him that this is how you are feeling and if he would be willing to go to counseling together would help. Maybe even ask if you could send him a few books he could read and you can read the same books and you can write each other on your thoughts about each chapter. Like a long distance sort of working though a book. Sometimes having the distance allows you the freedom to really analyze your feeling and process them a bit before you communicate. I know for myself when I don't get space I sometimes end up letting my emotions get the best of me and I say things I don't really mean, lol.

The main point is this... is he willing and invested in this marriage to do whatever it is that you need to feel safe and secure in this relationship? If not than weather he is viewing porn or not is not the biggest problem. We all need to be able to feel safe and secure. It doesn't happen over night, but is he willing to do the work to try? I would be hesitant to draw a line of if you view porn I leave in my marriage. After understanding the way addiction works and knowing that relapse can happen my boundary currently is "if you  view porn but I can see you are still genuinely trying and willing to do whatever it takes to get healthy and for me to feel safe and secure than I will not leave but he needs to sleep on the couch until I feel safe. He needs to communicate daily about the status of his addiction and he needs to have a plan written out on how he is going to become healthy."


My perspective is that we are all imperfect and if I don't have room in my boundaries for grace than I shouldn't expect any in return and that isn't a relationship I want to be in. If you love him you want to see him healthy as well as he should want to see you healthy. In marriage, usually at some point both of you are going to screw up. Weather big screws up or small if you are committed there needs to be a path for healing but only if both parties are communicating and wanting to see the relationship healthy, if not then it is not a healthy relationship to be in.

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As a wife, I completely agree with Redfire03! Focus on becoming the man you want to be. She probably wouldn't want you to live in shame, and it helps nobody. The past is the past, accept it, learn from it, and move forward knowing your weaknesses and making a plan to not let those things get the best of you again. Focus on becoming the person you want to be in this world, living the life you want to live. My heart breaks for you and her. I pray for healing for both of you!

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I am a partner of a porn addict. I wanted to mention that so you would understand where my perspective is coming from. I would recommend since the relationship is new to just enjoy getting to know her. It's ok for the physical part of the relationship to be slow. If it gets to a point where she asks or if you feel like the relationship is progressing to a serious status then just be honest. It really is the best policy.

As a woman if a man I was dating mentioned that he had this problem but was doing all of these things to take control, heal, and become a better person than I would think that would be something to respect, big time. If she is the type of person that has a major problem with it then you might want to consider if she is really the right fit in the first place. If she asks "why didn't you mention it before" it is absoutly ok to say, well I didn't want to freak you out, and I wanted to give us time to get to know each other, but this is part of my past and since you are important to me I wanted to be open and honest with you. That would be an opportunity for you to show vulnerability and an opportunity to get to know each other at a deeper level. Again, you don't have to have that question right away. Take your time and just enjoy getting to know each other first. If she starts to share parts of her past and she is making herself vulnerable then maybe that is a time that you reciprocate and share your past with her. Don't rush it, just wait for the right moment. It will be ok.

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Porn Addiction / Re: Loneliness and nofap
« on: February 15, 2019, 01:34:12 PM »
Yes, I think loneliness is a huge circular problem with porn addiction. You feel lonely so you isolate and watch porn but the act of isolating make you feel even more distant and the idea of talking to people becomes more and more difficult which in turn makes you want to isolate more and of course when you are alone and down you end up viewing more porn. This was the cycle a friend of ours went through. He is 45 and a virgin having never had a real relationship. He is an amazing person! My husband met him at his men's porn addiction group and they ended up talking after and had a lot in common and just started hanging out. He invited him over for dinner one night and that was how I met him. I didn't known his backstory until he mentioned it as my husband wanted to respect his privacy. Now he comes over and hangs out quite a bit but more importantly we try to invite him out when we go do things. Basically he just needs friends to help encourage him to be around people.

Recognize that this tendency towards isolation is there but it will not help you achieve goals of having a relationship or friendships. If you want to have friendships and things then you have to push yourself. Take small steps. Start by saying hello and asking how someones day is, even if it is just the checker at the grocery store. Once that feels comfortable start thinking about things you like and how you can do them in a group. If you are a reader join a book club, if you like sports join a rec league, if you have a spiritual belief join a church or whatever fits you, maybe volunteer somewhere like a soup kitchen. Whatever it is just start doing something.

If you currently don't have friends or close relationships then the best thing is you have nothing to loose! So what if you say something silly and are nervous! Its ok to strike out, just dust off and get back up again! Everyone has something to offer the world, don't let the world miss out on seeing the best part of you!

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