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Messages - aquarius25

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 19, 2016, 12:55:49 PM »
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

I think you are absolutely right! We should feel good about ourselves. I think there are a lot of influences in our culture even without being married to a PA that want women to feel bad about themselves. If we believed we were ok the way we are then we wouldn't need to buy and consume all the crap the media is selling us. There is another issue in our culture that I believe keeps women feeling insecure. When you come across a strong secure women a lot of people tend to call her full of herself, over confident, narcissistic and other various less than kind things. Yet when a man feels secure about himself he is strong. There is this underlying theme that women are supposed to be weak and need saving so to speak. I do believe this attitude is starting to shift, but it is still here and we are still wading through it. This cultural attitude is the very same one that says men have to macho and that very thing drives a lot of men to porn. I know it did for my husband. When we start treating people as just people and not putting expectations on them to be a certain standard that is when the real change will occur and we will all be better for it.  That just my perspective for what it's worth.

Great job seeing yourself as a woman of real worth! You are amazing!

Porn Addiction / Re: Can't get past 4 days
« on: July 19, 2016, 12:24:10 PM »
One thing I notice is every time you relapse  that you learn about one more trigger. You learn one more way that P has been entering your life. You have a great attitude! Don't dwell on the relapse but learn from it. Fix that trigger and next time you will be even more prepared. You are doing a great job! Hang in there! Don't give up. Also great job keeping an upbeat attitude, that is a huge step in the right direction!

Porn Addiction / Re: Can't get past 4 days
« on: July 17, 2016, 10:04:35 PM »
DontGiveUp7, awesome job! I am glad to hear that your are starting to see and work toward the person you want to be instead of focusing on the things your are not happy with in the person today. Keep looking forward. There is so much life on the other side. Don't forget to go out and make that life happen. Talk to people! Build relationships with real people. You are a great person, don't let the world miss out on meeting you! Know you have an entire community of men and women in your corner supporting you!

Happy to report that I believe the weekend to be a success. I was able to get away and actually have a good time. I don't believe that there were any "set backs" and I just have to trust in his honesty. He was in constant communication and had a ton to do so I think he was fine. I so appreciate you ladies here and all of the support you have been. I am feeling hopeful for the future as of now.

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 17, 2016, 09:39:56 PM »
Thank you ladies for the support. After going away for the weekend I was finally to think about something else beside P. I really needed that. I didn't tell any of my friends about it, did seem appropriate. It was a bachlorette party and was supposed to be about the bride to be. It was difficult at first because all I could think was, "Why would anyone want to get married?" LOL. After some time it got better. Some of the other married ladies stating talking about their husbands and it created a moment for me to reflect on the good parts of this man that I have shared so much with. There is a part of me that feel completely lied to and wonders if all of our marriage was a lit but the majority of me knows that is just not true. I do believe that this really is the only thing he was keeping from me and it was done out of shame. He is a great father, friend and person. I am glad to have shared so much life with him. I am also glad for the opportunity to remember that.

He was so supportive too. Constantly in contact with me and reassuring me as to what was going on (and what wasn't) on the home front. I think he knew I was having anxiety and he has been taking every effort he can to help in any way possible. I am glad that we are talking more and are doing this together. Recovery is for both of us and without communicating neither of us will recover. I really think I was letting this consume me. I know that will probably happen again but its nice to have a break from time to time.

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 15, 2016, 12:51:55 PM »
Well getting ready to go away for the weekend. I have so many feelings about leaving my husband with the kids. I am scared that we will relapse and also there is a part of me that knows its going to happen at some point so lets get it over with. I know that doesn't make much sense but lately nothing has made sense. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, it's really hard. Another thing that has been crossing my mind is other men. I feel like it has been forever since I have had great sex! I would like to get laid, lol, badly. Not by someone who feels obligated to "try" and need medication to preform but someone who finds me irresistibly attractive and wants me. I miss having that connection with someone. I don't even care about love or anything like that I just want a physical experience. I know its cheating, and I certainly wouldn't follow through with this but I can't deny that I have been fantasizing about it. There is also most likely a terrible part of me that is angry and maybe hurting him is something I want in some horrible part of my heart. That's sad. 13 yrs of marriage has boiled down to this.

I feel like I need to start trying to enjoy doing things with him. Maybe that will help remind me of the man who I married? I don't know. I think I just need to keep processing.

Yeah I am leaving tomorrow evening. I have finally come to a place, at least for now, that I am going to try and not think about stupid porn. We are either going to work this out or not. Nothing I do this weekend will make a huge difference and obsessing over it will only ruin my weekend.

My hubby has planned a ton of work for himself so he stays busy and exhausted. I have decided to keep the computer in the bedroom because he needs it for work. He answers emails and things after the kids go to bed. He is planning on having the kids sleep with him in the room to prevent anything from happening. That would be a mood killer for sure (they are 6&8) LOL! He has also showed me how to log into our router and any electrical devise that uses our wifi (ie: all computers, cell phones and things like that) I am able to see all the web addresses for the entire weekend and I can view than from anywhere as long as I have the codes and long in. I am hoping to not look but I might anyway. I appreciate his willingness to be so transparent.

He also told me today of some work he was doing at a place where there was an artistic painting in the nude of a woman and how it really worried him and he kept trying not to look. I hope he is ok this weekend but if he isn't then we will deal with that when it comes.

Thanks for all of your input and support. I so greatly appreciate everyone here! Now I just hope I have this much peace in the morning, LOL!

I understand having those thoughts. I feel like my thoughts swing so much. I got from angry, to mad, to feeling like I am nothing worthless and small, then sad. The entire situation makes me sad. This porn addiction has brought to the surface every insecurity I have ever had. Sadly I feel it does much worse for the man I love. It doesn't make rational sense but the reality is his porn is not about you. I am sure he loves you and sees you and an amazingly beautiful woman (otherwise he wouldn't be jealous). My husband told me that the things he would look at on the screen in no way would he actually ever even want to see in real life, and I do believe him. There is a detachment that occurs I think. Hang in there and make sure to take care of yourself. I know my darkest thought feel like I am worthless and nothing, if I started believing them then those things would become a reality. I am not about to let myself go because of porn. You are stronger than that too. Hang in there, it will get better. You are worth more!

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 14, 2016, 05:03:15 PM »
thank you for the kind words. Cancer sucks but at least its something at you can talk about with your friends without shame. My husband has a problem but he is a good man. He is a good father, friend and person. I hate how much shame is attached to this because it makes it hard for him to find support and me too. I am sad to think that I may confide in a friend and have that change their perspective of him. I don't want them thinking something "dirty" about him. I understand it though because I  admit that I thought that first. Those were my first thoughts. I can't imagine how hard that would be for him to live with this secret. I have been mad, angry and overwhelmed but mostly I just feel sad for him. I have and compassion for this struggle. It is so much harder than cancer. I am looking forward to the day that we can be a healthy couple and have an amazing sex life! Really looking forward to the last part!

Thanks you for the encouragement. Those are great ideas. Plus it might be pretty odd to have a computer monitor in the back of my van on the trip, lol. That could be an interesting conversation starter. Ugg sometime its nice to look at the situation from the outside in. I think all of my concerns could make a great comedy. I figured if you can't laugh what can you do right?

That is a great idea. I like how you mentioned moving furniture around. Maybe I will take the laptops with me and the monitor to the computer or do you think that is too crazy? I know he has a bunch of work planned in the garage and there is a computer in there which is attached to our CNC table. I guess having the kids out there with him while he is working will keep him from getting distracted. maybe working the the garage door open too?

I feel like a crazy paranoid person. This is so not me. I just want to be myself again. The cabin we are staying at has spotty reception. Part of me is super nervous about not being able to get in contact with him all the time, the other part thinks it might be a good thing. He keeps saying we will get through this and we will be stronger than before. I just don't know.

So we are about two weeks with him being PMO free. We have been talking a lot and openly communicating. Logically I feel like he won't relapse but there is a nagging part of me that is scared. I have to go out of town on a bachelorette party weekend for a friend and I absolutely can't get out of it. I have tried. He will be home with the kids for two nights. He would most often PMO when I was not at home. He has said that he will communicate with me and keep me informed. He mentioned have the kids sleep with him, as they love to but we don't usually let them. He would never do anything with them there, how's that for a damper, lol! But I am worried that he won't tell me if he does because he will be ashamed.

Also I am concerned about drinking with friends and saying something I shouldn't nobody knows. We have been keeping this between us because we own a business in a small town and frankly we don't need other peoples judgement right now.

Any advise on how to handle this? Tricks for occupying my mind and not obsessing over this? THis totally sucks. I hate marriage! Why would anyone want to do it? ( only partially joking, lol)

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new and unsure where to begin
« on: July 14, 2016, 09:23:02 AM »
Yes Emerald Blue, so confusing. I feel mad, sad, and so many other things. You are so right on so many things thank you for your input, honesty and transparency.

You are not alone in those feeling at all. I have been a roller coaster with all kinds of crazy thoughts. I can't imagine leaving my husband, we have two kids but even I have had thoughts of maybe sleeping with someone else. Part of it for me is that I am angry and well, hurt people hurt people. I think the other part is that I want to feel lusted by someone. When he can't preform for me but he can for porn it makes me feel so unwanted, unattractive, ugly, and small. I feel so empty. I don't think I would ever act on those feelings because it would just mess up an already messy situation and I think it would really do a number on my progress.

I understand how this can trigger eating problems. I suffered from eating disorders in high school and since finding out I now have to actually set reminders in my phone so I don't forget to eat. I have lost all appetite and every time I do eat it brings up all of these self image issues.

I believe it will get better. The cliche term one day at a time is where my hubby and I are both at. I know he will relapse and I feel like I have been mentally preparing my heart for that to be ready. So I can be supportive and have it not destroy my progress. Seeing and reading in the other forums of how hard these men are trying helps I think. Reading the hearts and the desire they want so badly to be rid of this. I know that is my husbands heart as well and it reassuring to know he is not alone and the struggle is real. Its not us!!! They are hurting, suffering and that must feel so terrible. Keep your chin up and know you are not alone!  ;)

Women / Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 14, 2016, 12:26:24 AM »
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.

Porn Addiction / Re: Can't get past 4 days
« on: July 13, 2016, 01:47:30 PM »
Maybe consider volunteering or something that forces you to be out and about with people. You will be doing a task so you have a conversation platform and it won't be so odd feeling. You could even try doing this at times of day when you find you are alone and temped the most. Maybe getting around people will help. ALso serving and doing something good for the community might help you feel better about the person you are and are becoming. If you are taking the steps to come on here and heal then you are clearly someone with a lot of heart. Just as important as not looking at porn is getting your self-image improved. You are probably a pretty remarkable person with a lot to offer the world, don't deny people the opportunity to meet you. I bet if you start seeing your self as someone of worth it will help your progress with porn a lot!

hello I am new. My husband is 12 days no Porn for the first time. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for what to expect. I know he has very specific things that he liked and certain things would trigger. He is setting boundaries and asking for accountability to avoid those things (like we both do crossfit and he has closed all his fitness trackers for obvious reasons) He has restrictions on his computer but we own a business and it requires him to be online to answer emails.

 My questions is do your tastes change during recovery? We are so focused on these particular things but if during recovery you start craving different things then how do we prepare for that? What should we watch out for? Will new things start triggering him to want to relapse? Things that have never been a trigger before.

If you have experience with this what are the common changes and triggers? I am just trying to figure out how I can be the best support and what to prepare mentally and emotionally for.  I figured this would be the best group of people to ask. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I highly respect all of the hard work that you guys are doing to better yourselves!

Porn Addiction / Re: Can't get past 4 days
« on: July 13, 2016, 01:01:49 PM »
As a woman I think if you come from a place of honesty and sincerity there might be shock but do not be scared of the shame. If you encounter a girl who makes you feel shame then you probably don't want that in your life. If its a family member/ partner that you are feeling this with they might just be going through their emotions and healing. Best course of action is always honesty. I find it very amazing and extremely respectable that you guys are trying so hard to get over this. Doing it alone makes everything more difficult. You should not be ashamed! You should be proud that you care enough to get better!! That is huge! Seriously!

I am new to this and working with my husband of 13 years on this and the fact that he is trying at all makes me  see how amazing he is and gives me hope to not let go of such a person. We have been talking a lot about the root issues that drives him to porn in the first place. I have been reading a lot too.  One of the most common reasons is feeling shame, worthlessness, like your not enough. Well you are enough. You will experience more life after overcoming this. Being honest during the process will help. It seems like Porn has numbed my husband from feeling, experiencing emotions and being human. Being open helps repair that. Stay positive, surround yourself with positive people and know you are amazing! You can beat this. You are worth it and life will be better and so will the sex, lol!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new and unsure where to begin
« on: July 13, 2016, 12:34:54 PM »
Thank you so much. I am so glad to have found this sight. You ladies are absolutely amazing to me. I find it so very encouraging your attitudes of honesty and hope amidst everything. You are real about your anger and process your feelings openly and that is remarkable. Thank you for being so welcoming!

I would like to as for your input on how to deal with relationships with others. I know this wasn't his intention but when he started including all of my personal friends in his PM fantasies I feel like it did a real number on me mentally. My friends have no idea what is going on. I would be devastated for them to fine out what my husband was doing while looking at their pictures. I don't know how to be around them without having all of this in my mind. Then of course it makes me want to cry and obviously I can't break down into tears without them wanting to inquire why. They love me so they would want to be supportive. I am just not comfortable with that. What do I do? Right now I have been basically avoiding everyone like crazy but we have kids and my kids would like to see their friends, lol.

My husband feels really bad about this in piticular. He admitted that he didn't realize what impact this would have on me. How using facebook really crossed a HUGE line, at least for me. He wants to do whatever it takes. I can tell he is worries about driving me into a huge depression it's just neither of us know what to do. We live in a pretty small town and the counselors here are also family friends.  It doesn't feel like a great option for either of us. He has obviously closed his FB acc. He had asked me to put security on our computers so he doesn't have the password. These were his ideas. I was so overwhelmed I didn't even think of this stuff, I feel so dumb. He is making a journal and has made some agreements with me about his progress and he wants me to tell him anything that he can do to help me. I feel like I am still figuring out what those things are. You ladies have given me a great start.

I just want to be able to be around my friends again. Its so isolating right now.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new and unsure where to begin
« on: July 13, 2016, 09:44:12 AM »
Thank you for those ideas. I did look at the recommended website. This is a very frustrating experience. Logically I hear things about addiction and know its not about me. I logically understand that they are just images and when my husband was viewing them he wasn't an emotional thing. The images he was looking at are probably not even things we would want to act out. He doesn't see those images as people. Logically my mind understands all of this but my heart is not there. My heart is crushed, overwhelmed, paranoid, and frankly I feel like I am loosing my mind. I feel like porn took the human out of my husband. Like he is disconnected from emotion and isn't experiencing life. He stopped seeing people and people and was just seeing images for his own high. After sometime it wasn't even satisfying his high.

You are absolutely correct that I need to work on my own recovery as well. We both have decided to start journaling our process. I read some of the posts on here of men trying to figure out how to repair their broken relationships. It breaks my heart. I feel like I am so new to this that I probably know nothing. A lot of ladies here have way more experience but the one thing I am noticing in all of the responses is that the men need to be human. They need to find empathy, love, passion, selfworth and help build that self worth back in their partner. I feel like I need to be allowed to be distant, angry and crushed but I need him to see after me with passion and love as if his life and heart depended on it. I want to tell him that but in doing so it make all of his effort diminish. Its like telling a kid to apologize when they don't want to. The apology then feels halfhearted. I feel like asking him to seek after me will make is actions and efforts feel like they are done out of obligation. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe my expectation is too high?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Reclaiming our sexuality
« on: July 12, 2016, 09:04:03 PM »
So I just found this forum and am very new but I have to say I really appreciate all of the conversation and it is helping a lot to read and process. Its nice to know I am not alone. One thing I am noticing though and maybe it means there is something wrong with me too (my husband of 13 years is starting a reboot and he is on day 8. I am just noticing all of the women are saying they have lost their sex drive. I am 33 and I am sure this makes me sound gross or something but the realization and processing all of this has made me think about sex more than ever. Even though I am so angry with him I actually feel like my drive has gone up. I will say being with him isn't appealing at all but the idea of good sex is! Maybe it's just been a while since he has preformed well but noticing this kind of makes me think maybe there is something wrong with me. I feel like I am thinking about porn a lot and sex in general. My fear would be that him telling me and dealing with his porn addiction turns me into the same thing. If that even makes sense? I don't even know anymore.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / new and unsure where to begin
« on: July 12, 2016, 06:14:19 PM »
I am new.  Just over a week ago My husband of 13 years confessed to experiencing PIED. He only confessed because I had found a pair of panties, not mine, in our bedroom hidden under our computer desk. The cat had found them otherwise I would have never known.

 We have had a bumpy sexlife ever since we first started dating but he has always been my best friend. I love him completely and I can honestly say I have never kept a secret from him. This is so devastating to me that he has been hiding this for over 13 years. I knew he looked at porn and it didn't really bother me. I actually thought it was sortof a turn on. I have a pretty high sex drive and am open to quite a bit. It bothers me that he wouldn't share it with me. Just over a week ago he couldn't even get it up when we were in the shower. I tried everything and ended up just getting out. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I felt so undesirable. Then when I found the panties he came clean. He said he had found them in the desk and was using them while he masturbated. (it used to be a friends  desk and they were using it as a dresser, there was a bunch of stuff left in there.) The whole thing creeped me out at first. I started going through the computer to see what he had been looking at. Some of it wasn't bad but some was just demeaning. He is such a nice person this makes me feel like I don't even know him. Then I realized he has been looking at a lot of my FaceBook friends photos and porn at the same time.

I feel so overwhelmed. I am a decent looking person. I am a crossfit trainer, welder and retired roller derby girl. I am in good shape but the women in porn I can't compete with. Now this realization that he was looking at my own friends is devastating. Every time I go to the gym I am comparing myself to them. I don't want them to know because I don't want anyone to think less of him. This kind of thing can be terrible for a man and we have kids. I also can't look at my friends now without some kind of perverse porn image of them with my husband coming into my brain. I feel so insecure.

He is super sorry. He has said that he will do anything to make this better. We have tried to have sex a few times (he has some viagra) and I do it but it just don't feel satisfying and I can't orgasm at all. I even started crying but I don't think he noticed. Also I feel like finding this out has made me porn obsessed. I am constantly thinking about it. Wondering what he was looking at or if he is doing it right now? Then in some weird way I feel "in the mood" all the time, so we try to have sex and its just terrible.

I am sorry this is so long I just really have no idea what to do. I am willing to do whatever I can to help him but I will also admit I feel so betrayed. I am usually a strong woman and I just feel so small. I am on the brink of crying all the time. The lying is the worst part. I just don't understand why he had to lie. Any insight or advise would be so very appreciated. He really is a nice guy and a great father I just don't know what to do.

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