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Topics - aquarius25

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51
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Remember to celebrate the progress
« on: January 23, 2017, 12:39:08 PM »
This last 9 month has been long, rough and crazy. I feel like I have come a long way. Over the weekend I was reflecting on just how far I have come. I even ready all the way through my journal again and I was really blown away by how my heart has changed. I didn't think it was possible to be honest. It reminded me that we need to celebrate the progress. No matter how big or small the progress. Its remembering these moments that will help get us through the hard stuff. I still have bad days....lots of them. I find I forget to appreciate the good moments and I thought that if I do it then maybe some of you do too. SO I wanted to remind all of you to stop and really appreciate when you are making progress. Even if it just a smile.

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Success Stories / trust can rebuild and forgiveness is possible
« on: January 12, 2017, 01:18:02 AM »
So I want to start by saying that I don't normally visit this part of the forum mainly because I don't want to get my hope up. I am the wife of a PA. My success is that I am finally at a place where I look forward to seeing him again. I miss him when he is not home. I love him more than I am hurt by porn. I now have no doubt that we will make it. I know that I will still experience hurt but I finally trust that he is doing everything he can with his reboot and I trust that when he says he hasn't relapsed that it is the truth. We aren't over this and I know there is still along road but It is getting a lot better! So that is my success.

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I have perplexed over this for some time. My husband has had off and on PIED for most of our marriage. I have read a lot on here and I have noticed that PIED and performance anxiety and hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. One thing I don't understand is why men seem to put sexual performance on such a pedestal? Most of the woman I know would much rather connect than just have the relationship be about sex. Sex is only one part of a bigger picture of what relationship is. Unless your just about getting laid....then yes I guess in that instance it is just about sex, lol. So please help me to understand why is this such a big deal? And how can I support my husband to feel better about himself and who he is? I don't care about PIED or any of that crap. I just want him to feel good. Most of the time when men get anxious it just makes their erection worse. How is that for irony? Seems to me putting in on that pedestal is just making everything worse.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Trust?
« on: January 06, 2017, 01:35:38 AM »
I have been working on learning how to forgive and rebuild trust. Forgiveness is an action and not an easy one. I don't want to carry resentment in my marriage for the rest of my life. I feel that it will not only ruin my marriage but it will destroy any chance at happiness for me and my spouse. Also it really hurts my children and that would be on me. I don't care if he deserves my forgiveness or not I have realized I need to forgive not for him but for me. And since I am committed to him and my family I need to start trusting. Honestly I am not sure if I can do this or not. I have always felt since d-day that it was never possible for trust to come back 100%. But I need to try. If I don't try then I really feel that I will be just as responsible for our failed marriage as he is. I don't want to live in a marriage without trust. I want my kids to see me trusting. So what in the minds of the partners here do you think is the first steps to trusting? What things need to be present to trust? And how do you begin this process? What experience have you had in going down this path?

55
I am just trying to get others thoughts and ideas on what works for them when they are feeling in a funk. I am usually pretty good about keeping a positive attitude and when I have a funk I have some phrases I tell myself, pray, go workout. Overall its been working pretty good but lately I have been in this funk. Really feeling the reality of rejection setting in, in a big way. I can't seem to shake it. I am not allowing it to completely consume me, I am still getting all my crap done and keeping up with life. Its just this feeling in always in the back of my mind and I just can't seem to shake it.

So I wanted to ask others. What do you do to pull yourself out of the funk?

56
I was thinking about this yesterday and then this morning in another forum I saw it come up again and I started to notice how manipulation is used so frequently in relationships. Why? When did it become perfectly ok to manipulate your partner? It removes so much from a relationship when this occurs. You rob your partner of real authenticity and openness. You start to create an unreal and frankly fake sense of reality that your partner has no idea they are living in. They are no longer choosing you but this skewed sense of reality that they are living in. They are not in relationship with the real you at all. Yet I see this in relationships all the time. Little things that build up to big things. Women withhold sex so they can get the honey do list done. Men withhold truth about how they really feel. Withholding is manipulating. Its dishonest. It kills relationships. Why do it? If you don't want to have sex then just say you don't. That way at the very least you have integrity if nothing else. If you have an issue with your partner talk about it. How can you work through things and improve and support each other if these things aren't brought up? I am learning how to forgive and rebuild trust with my husband but the dishonesty is by far the bigger and hardest thing to overcome. Why can't we as a society value integrity more? This cultural attitude of lies and dishonesty masked as personal space is ridiculous. If you need to have something for yourself then just say it? People hide behind justifications too much and its sad because they miss out on really living and having real relationships with people. Tragic.
Sorry for the rant, lol. It just really pisses me off.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / How to appreciate his affection
« on: December 08, 2016, 11:57:27 AM »
So I have been struggling with a few things and really trying to acknowledge and improve on them. I have been keeping a better attitude, even if its just a fake it till you make it situation, lol. I can see how it has been helping my healing and our relationship too. One part I am getting hung up on in our physical relationship. First I will say I am not an initiator. When he shows interest I really struggle with separating the P from just regular acts of interest. He is a leg guy and (not to talk myself up but I have great legs). When he get excited and comments or tries to feel my legs all I can think is he is just objectifying me again (as legs and butt made up a huge part of his P consumption, in fact most of the time he would just go to sites where women had clothes on but were just feeling their legs!) I only say that so you can understand how much of a thing this is for him. I guess fetish would be a better word for it. I am trying to figure out where the healthy boundary is between showing interest and excitement over something he is attracted to on my and the feeling of just being a set of legs for him to get off to? Its to the point that every time we are both in the mood I get stuck here and frankly we haven't had sex in over 2 weeks as a result. He has been respectful and doesn't push anything but this should probably be addressed. I am just not sure how to get past this.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / learning what I need
« on: November 25, 2016, 04:59:45 PM »
This has been a long process but one of the things I am noticing is that knowing what I need is so difficult. Finally I think I am in a place where I am starting to know what I need. My husband is always asking me what I need and most of the time its, "I don't know". Well now I am glad to know. I can see over the last few months that it has changed quite a bit from D-day. So here is my list. I would be interested in hearing if anyone else has needed the same or different things?

At first I needed repentance- apologies, over and over. I couldn't hear it enough. I think because I wasn't able to fully believe it and I was trying to convince myself it was true. The more he apologized and the more passion he had behind it helped me to let it sink in. I now know that he is so sorry.

I need him to keep me informed of his reboot- he needed to bring it up. I didn't want to have to ask. I needed him to start the conversation and share with me how he was doing what was coming up for him. Daily. Seriously. Like for the first 90 day. This has helped so much in the building trust!

Integrity in everything- he needs to be his word completely. Even if its something stupid and has nothing to do with P because when he didn't it would really hurt the progress we made. Also when he did break his word it was so much better for him to come to me and say sorry and initiate the conversation rather than for me to have to find out and have to talk to him. That made me feel like we were back at square one all over again.

Compliments and questions- I needed and still need to hear what he loves about me, when he is proud of me, and that he loves our life and family. I need to know when he is happy and why. I also need him to ask about me. I have noticed that this major break in trust has made me more reluctant to initiate conversation  and make myself vulnerable so he needs to step up and start that conversation. In the past I had to initiate all conversation. By him doing this it shows me he is interested, he cares, and that I am worth him stepping out of his comfort zone.

I need to feel like I am a priority to him- I need to know that my recovery is important to him. That this family is more than an obligation but a love and passion of his. I need to know that he passionately loves me. I need to know that he loves me more than porn.

I need persistence, grace, and commitment- I am going to be irrational, I am going to be totally in the wrong sometimes and still stand my ground and I am at times a complete...well...bitch, lol. I need to know that through all that he isn't going anywhere. That I can have a bad day and it safe. I need him to be willing to apologize an agonizing amount of times. I need to know that he would rather stay with me saying sorry everyday than to leave. I need the reassurance that he is committed to not just being porn free but to our marriage. I need him to work for us. I need to be allowed to fall apart and know that he will be strong and steadfast. For so long he focused on himself. He needs to focus on me for a time.

I need more pampering- he has pampered his penis to the point of PIED, its my turn to be pampered. I want to be able to go out with the girls, to get some new clothes and to do things that build myself up and make me not feel like dead mommy. I also need to be the focus and attention in the bedroom too! I am working on building my worth back up he has to show me what my worth means to him. I know it sounds silly but it is so important.

To be willing to dig deep and have meaningful conversations even if he doesn't have the answers or if he doesn't like the answers. He needs to be willing to engage honestly in deep conversation about his and my healing process. He needs to start the conversation.

I need him to be thankful that I stayed- I need him to fully understand the commitment and sacrifice it takes for me to stay, to understand my hurt and to be thankful for it.

I need to have fun with him again- we need dates, family days, vacations and moments when we don't think about porn and I can be reminded that I do enjoy being his friend and I enjoy our family. This is a reminder to me of why its worth the work. I need to fall in love with him again.

These are a few things I have noticed that have been helpful. I will say that my SO is doing and has done all of these. It takes time to heal but this helps a tremendous amount. As we get further along I find that I am able to give back to him more and more. I am slowly letting him in more. Him doing these things has helped me get to a point where I am starting to build that trust and vulnerability again.

For partners its so healing to know what you need! And if you are a PA with a partner ask her what she/he needs. If she says she doesn't know then maybe start here with this list. Everyone is different but for me  this has been so helpful. There is more I would add and I will say what I need changes all the time but this is a good place to start.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Interesting to consider? Thoughts?
« on: November 23, 2016, 07:53:03 PM »
This is a link to a thread started in the main forum. It is started by my SO and it started because of a conversation that he and I had. We have been mulling over this in conversation for a few days and I am curious your thoughts. I also want to be clear that even though its harsh words I do love my husband very much and I do think him to be an amazing man even despite this crap, lol.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11469.0

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Trying to be thankful
« on: November 22, 2016, 06:06:49 PM »
I have noticed that one of the biggest changes that this experience has had on me is my attitude. I used to be an optimist and this past season I have feel so jaded and more judgemental. I carry so much more distrust for others. I used to be full of life, positive and ready to take on any problem. Now I find I am tired a lot, I disengage in my relationships with friends and family, and frankly I can't even imagine adding any more problems to my plate. I know that there are reasons why things have been on a downward trend but I also know that I am responsible for my attitude. SO the first step it would seem is kindof a fake it till ya make it. I am going to start talking positive in hopes that maybe I will start feeling more positive. So here goes..

One thing I am thankful for since D-day is the communication that my husband and I have now. I feel pretty sure that we have no secrets now and we talk a lot more openly about our feelings.

Alright everyone...its almost thanksgiving....what are you thankful for regarding this mess? There has to be some silver lining out there, right?

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / How to handle the setbacks?
« on: November 03, 2016, 06:43:01 PM »
I have noticed that every now and then things set me back. Sometimes it something my husband did and sometimes its nothing he did. Something will just remind me of d-day and all the lies and I feel like I am back there. Sometimes we will be doing something and I will second guess him and then I realize its becoming normal for me to not completely trust him and I feel so heartbroken all over again. In those moments I am crushed. My question is this... How do you transition out of this? I am wondering what other people are doing to help move out of that and move forward both in the moment and for the long haul? Sometimes these feeling can feel so consuming.

62
My husband and I have been talking quite a bit. The awareness that our relationship will never be the same has really set in. A question that has been lingering on my mind is what does a healed marriage look like? I'm not sure I will ever trust him 100% ever again and honestly I am not sure I could ever trust anyone that way again. I feel like the realization that I was taken a fool for all of these years has made me doubt my ability to read people and know a good person from one with less than great motives. I no longer trust myself. So needless to say that is having a huge impact on our marriage. I am not as angry but I am slowly realizing just how changed I really am. So then what does a long term healed marriage look like. I feel like we are entering the unknown and I am just wondering what healed actually is? Am I there? Is this it? If not what do I have to look forward to? Just wanting some other peoples thoughts on this. I also will say I welcome PA's into this  conversation as I would be curious what they think and hope for a healed marriage from their perspective as well.

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Hello, I have posted in here a few times with questions and you guys have been super helpful so thank you in advance! I am an SO so its hard to put myself completely in your shoes.  I have a son he is almost 9. I have noticed that a lot of you guy in your journals mentions starting to look at P around 9-13. I wanted to ask if there was something that would have helped you then to avoid the addiction your experiencing now? I am not asking to shame at all just wanting a perspective in hopes my son can avoid this in his life. I have talked with my husband but thought I would see what others had to say as well. What would have helped you? Was there something during your adolescents that could have put things in perspective in a way you could understand? Maybe a different way of approaching the sex talk? At what age would you say these things come up? He is only just starting to ask questions so I would like to be prepared. Thanks for your time and I really hope a few of you will respond!

I wish you the best of success in your reboot!!!

64
I thought I would start this discussion to help put some positive out there. One thing I am realizing for myself is that this PA stuff my hubby is going through has really hit my confidence and shaken my self esteem. Lately I have been realizing that I am the only one responsible for how I feel about myself. I am investing in myself. Taking art classes, entering a power-lifting competition, and trying to get back into some of the design ideas I had long ago. Its been really amazing! I have had some other things in my life come up that have been hard but honestly doing some of these things has helps me realize how much I have put myself aside. Life happens, husbands, kids, friends, and all the responsibilities. What are you doing for you? I have noticed I allow my husband in more and I communicate better when I am in a good place and this has been a big part of that.

So I thought I would put this out there maybe we can share ideas of what we are doing to invest in ourselves. Maybe it will inspire each other to try some new things?

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / frustrated and could use some input
« on: October 05, 2016, 03:31:55 PM »
Ok so my hubby has pied. Its been over 90 days for him and we have been trying to have sex here and there. I wish it was more often, lol. The frustration comes in because we will be kissing and things and he will start to get hard and then it seems about half or more of the time he will "go". Like this happen when I am all in the mood and really wanting something to happen and then he just blew his wad. Super frustrating. I would like to just wipe up a bit and keep playing around and he could maybe help me get there but instead he just sits in self pity and feel like crap. So far I have been nice but mentally I want to scream and call him pathetic. I am starting loose attraction for him at all as a result of this. Its bad. I just want to shake him and tell him to get over his stupid dick and finish me off! If the table were turned and some girl was constantly leaving a guy with blue-balls there would be outrage yet when he does basically the same thing I am supposed to just sit there and say nice things and tell him its ok?! WTF!!!! I wouldn't think any less of his if he went too early or not if he just made sure I was taken care of too. Instead I am starting to see him as this weak, pathetic excuse of a man. I know that sounds really mean but hey its how I feel. I would never tell him this but it kindof makes me miss the days he was taking viagra, lol. I know I am a horrible person for saying that, lol! I just don't care! I wanna get a decent O!!! Any ideas? Sorry for the bit of venting I'm just a bit sexually repressed, lol.

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Ok I know this probably sounds stupid but I am really needing advise. My husband and I are at a pace where both of us are wanting to have sex again......badly. He is pretty far into his reboot ( well over 70 days) and so far he is still not working regularly. Most of the time when he can't get hard to he makes sure that I have an O anyway but I feel like its super one sided then. I don't want to just be laying there and not reciprocating in any way. Any ideas on how to help him feel something even if he can't get an erection? This might sound like a silly question but it actually is really bothering me. Maybe some of you ladies or even men if anyone has any ideas I'm totally open to suggestions, lol. And laying there making out forever is getting old. Sorry but it is, lol. I know that makes me sound mean but I'm just being honest.

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I am hoping that I could get some ideas from some of the men about how to handle the sensitive moments of trying to get our sex life back on track. What is the best way to be encouraging when he isn't getting hard? I am trying to be supportive, encouraging but I end up feeling like I don't know what to do so I hate to admit it but sometime I just walk out. I know that is probably the best thing but I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like talking about it might make him feel worse. Even when we are just messing around but not having sex the fact that he is not hard bothers him, I can tell. He does take Viagra from time to time so we can actually have sex but I find he doesn't last long enough for me to reach O and then he feels like he let me down. My worry is that will make him feel worse about himself which in turn could result in a relapse.

We both thought that the physical touch of a real person (me) and not porn would be helpful to the rebooting process but maybe we are wrong? I just want to do whatever I need to so that I can be as helpful as possible. Thought maybe some of you could lend a perspective? Please. I would really love to have some sex, lol. I am pretty ready but I don't want to be pushy on him. This is so difficult.

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So we are about two weeks with him being PMO free. We have been talking a lot and openly communicating. Logically I feel like he won't relapse but there is a nagging part of me that is scared. I have to go out of town on a bachelorette party weekend for a friend and I absolutely can't get out of it. I have tried. He will be home with the kids for two nights. He would most often PMO when I was not at home. He has said that he will communicate with me and keep me informed. He mentioned have the kids sleep with him, as they love to but we don't usually let them. He would never do anything with them there, how's that for a damper, lol! But I am worried that he won't tell me if he does because he will be ashamed.

Also I am concerned about drinking with friends and saying something I shouldn't nobody knows. We have been keeping this between us because we own a business in a small town and frankly we don't need other peoples judgement right now.

Any advise on how to handle this? Tricks for occupying my mind and not obsessing over this? THis totally sucks. I hate marriage! Why would anyone want to do it? ( only partially joking, lol)

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Women / Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 14, 2016, 12:26:24 AM »
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.

70
hello I am new. My husband is 12 days no Porn for the first time. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for what to expect. I know he has very specific things that he liked and certain things would trigger. He is setting boundaries and asking for accountability to avoid those things (like we both do crossfit and he has closed all his fitness trackers for obvious reasons) He has restrictions on his computer but we own a business and it requires him to be online to answer emails.

 My questions is do your tastes change during recovery? We are so focused on these particular things but if during recovery you start craving different things then how do we prepare for that? What should we watch out for? Will new things start triggering him to want to relapse? Things that have never been a trigger before.


If you have experience with this what are the common changes and triggers? I am just trying to figure out how I can be the best support and what to prepare mentally and emotionally for.  I figured this would be the best group of people to ask. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I highly respect all of the hard work that you guys are doing to better yourselves!


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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / new and unsure where to begin
« on: July 12, 2016, 06:14:19 PM »
I am new.  Just over a week ago My husband of 13 years confessed to experiencing PIED. He only confessed because I had found a pair of panties, not mine, in our bedroom hidden under our computer desk. The cat had found them otherwise I would have never known.

 We have had a bumpy sexlife ever since we first started dating but he has always been my best friend. I love him completely and I can honestly say I have never kept a secret from him. This is so devastating to me that he has been hiding this for over 13 years. I knew he looked at porn and it didn't really bother me. I actually thought it was sortof a turn on. I have a pretty high sex drive and am open to quite a bit. It bothers me that he wouldn't share it with me. Just over a week ago he couldn't even get it up when we were in the shower. I tried everything and ended up just getting out. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I felt so undesirable. Then when I found the panties he came clean. He said he had found them in the desk and was using them while he masturbated. (it used to be a friends  desk and they were using it as a dresser, there was a bunch of stuff left in there.) The whole thing creeped me out at first. I started going through the computer to see what he had been looking at. Some of it wasn't bad but some was just demeaning. He is such a nice person this makes me feel like I don't even know him. Then I realized he has been looking at a lot of my FaceBook friends photos and porn at the same time.

I feel so overwhelmed. I am a decent looking person. I am a crossfit trainer, welder and retired roller derby girl. I am in good shape but the women in porn I can't compete with. Now this realization that he was looking at my own friends is devastating. Every time I go to the gym I am comparing myself to them. I don't want them to know because I don't want anyone to think less of him. This kind of thing can be terrible for a man and we have kids. I also can't look at my friends now without some kind of perverse porn image of them with my husband coming into my brain. I feel so insecure.

He is super sorry. He has said that he will do anything to make this better. We have tried to have sex a few times (he has some viagra) and I do it but it just don't feel satisfying and I can't orgasm at all. I even started crying but I don't think he noticed. Also I feel like finding this out has made me porn obsessed. I am constantly thinking about it. Wondering what he was looking at or if he is doing it right now? Then in some weird way I feel "in the mood" all the time, so we try to have sex and its just terrible.

I am sorry this is so long I just really have no idea what to do. I am willing to do whatever I can to help him but I will also admit I feel so betrayed. I am usually a strong woman and I just feel so small. I am on the brink of crying all the time. The lying is the worst part. I just don't understand why he had to lie. Any insight or advise would be so very appreciated. He really is a nice guy and a great father I just don't know what to do.

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