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Topics - aquarius25

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26
I am considering helping organize a support group for partners. One that meets in person in the town we live in. The pastor at our church had asked me if I was interested because we had shared our experience with him. This church is also where my husband's PA group meets. I had asked after we moved to town if there was a group for partners and he said no. Recently he said that he has been thinking about that ever since I mentioned it. It never occurred to him to think of the partners till I asked. So he was wondering if I would want to help get one going. I am still in the planning and considering stage but trying to wrap my mind around what it would look like. So I thought I would reach out on here and ask all of you. What would you hope for in a group that met in person? How often would you want to meet? What time of day? Would you want to be more of a sharing or work through a book as a group? (I know Gracie has mentioned hold me tight, my hubby and I are about to start that one) Anything specific stands out to any of you as a must have?

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / objectification goes both ways
« on: June 28, 2017, 07:44:49 AM »
So yesterday while I was driving I came to a stoplight. I had my window down, it's summer, and there were two girls standing at the corner talking. They were waiting for their crosswalk signal. I could hear parts of their conversation and it reminded me of something that has been rolling through my mind off and on for a bit. It's almost ironic. The girls were talking about boys, they looked about 19, and they were talking about how hot some guys was. I was only catching bits of the conversation. But just the undertone of it was sad to me.  Porn doesn't just ruin the way men see sex and their ability to connect with a partner but because it is so heavily influencing our culture it has changed the way women see men too. It has changed the expectations some of our young women are developing of what sex is supposed to be. They think all men are supposed to look like porn stars too. So not only does it hurt the man's view of women, but it changes what women think men should be. It was just heartbreaking to hear young women objectifying men in this way. It just really caught me off guard as to the magnitude of the entire situation our culture is in. I feel like I have known for a while but to hear it right out on the street was surprising.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Realistic about our relationship
« on: June 21, 2017, 07:43:56 AM »
So next week will mark my husband being 1 year clean of porn and masturbating. Two weeks later will be our D-day anniversary. He has done a great job with removing porn from his life. He hasn't relapsed (as far as I know) and recently has really started to work on real recovery. He should be proud of the work he has done, I am too! We are making progress and getting there.

As I reflect on everything, knowing our first D-day anniversary is looming around the corner. I have been thinking about our marriage before D-day. Something I have noticed, at least for myself, is that somehow in my mind I seem to distort our relationship pre-D-day. I am hurt by my world crumbling down and my mind tells me that we were "perfect" before all of this. Well, that is just not true. Our marriage wasn't about to break up or anything, but it was also far from perfect. My mind has a tendency to blame everything, all our problems, on his porn addiction. While they make up a bulk of our problems, I need to be realistic and honest and realize that we had problems unrelated to porn. We started a business, a couple who works together day in and day out is bound to have plenty things to argue about without the help of porn, LOL! We had our fair share of problems, some of them being my fault.

I am not sure why my mind whats to have this perfect image of our marriage before D-day, but I don't think it is helpful to glorify my life before all of this came crashing down. I think I need to be honest about what our life looked like before and today. This distortion only leaves me feeling more disappointment. Like I am blaming him for more than I should be. I am not saying this to minimize the severity of his PA. Or to say that porn addiction aren't really that bad or anything of the sort. More to say it's important, at least for me, to be clear and realistic about the facts and not allow my hurt and my mind to distort things. Has anyone else noticed this? Or is it just me? Lol.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / more than just an addict
« on: June 15, 2017, 10:04:26 AM »
Well, Father's day is around the corner. I am reminded of the man that helped me bring these amazing small humans into this world. Who I thought he was, who he actually is, and all the things in between. There have been lots of hurt, and tears. There also is a lot of joy, love, and happiness. I reflect on who he is as a father, who he was, and who he is today. Putting my hurt feeling aside, he is an incredible dad. He really would do anything for these kids. A huge part of his need for recovery it to show them what a man of good moral character is. He wants to be that for them. Today I was helping them make a book about what he means to them (they are 7&9). Hearing who he is in their eyes is amazing. He is literally a superhero to them. He messes up all the time. He apologised to them, and they know he has shortcoming but still, he is their hero. When I think over everything he has done in the past year, when I put myself aside, he really is a hero. More than that, he is a good man.

As partners I feel like it is easy to dwell on our hurt, it can consume us, and that is completely understandable. We all come from different places and we are all at different points in our own recovery. For myself, I realized I need to appreciate him more and not just focus on my hurt. When I do that, I am reminded  he is more than just an addict, I am reminded of the future we share together. It gives me hope. If you are not ready to do that yet, that is ok. But for any ladies who are in a place where they can I hope this is helpful.

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There are a lot of things that I do understand. My husband and I have made a lot of progress but there are still a few things I don't think I get and probably never will.
1. Self-control. When did it become so difficult to have some self-control? I just don't understand. To resist the urge to not play with yourself, seriously. These are things we talk to kids about yet somehow grown adults can't do it.
2. Justifying lying, I will never understand this. A lie is a lie, there is no way to sugar coat that. Have integrity and own your actions, it is really that simple.
3. How one "accidentally" relapses or has a "slip up". To me, this is not taking full responsibility. There are so many steps...you don't accidentally happen to fall into a sitting position, while porn accidentally happens on your screen and your dick just slips into your hands and your start stroking yourself. Clearly, there was a point where you made a choice to masturbate to porn because in that moment you wanted it more than you wanted to not do it. That is the truth. You were not as committed to rebooting in that moment as you were to masturbation. You did not maintain self-control. This is one of the most important differences between us and animals. Yes, there are some that say we have those basic urges in us, but the reality is part of what makes us different is we can control ourselves. If we honestly couldn't then you would see men with their dicks out in the park, people humping all around town. It would be a very different world. The reality is if you can control yourself to not do it in public, to wait till you have a private moment, then you do have the ability to control this. You just aren't committed enough. Or at least that is how I see it.

I know I have to be missing something. I am sure there is something I just don't understand. I have watched the videos, I still just don't get it.

4. The last thing I just don't get... how can porn be comforting? How can it feel comforting when you are having a bad day to watch a woman get double penetrated, clearly uncomfortable, while a group of men stand on the side watching and cheering? How is that comforting at all? How does that cheer you up and make you feel better about yourself?  I find it horrifying, sad, scary, and I want to help her. I don't understand how someone can take pleasure in seeing someone else tortured like that. It breaks my heart.

We are coming up on my husband being one year clean and even still I can be holding his hand on a walk and I will have a flashback to those images I saw. I will think about the hand I am holding and how it was used to touch himself while watching that. He gained pleasure to those images so much that he practically broke his dick and our marriage and I am just going to keep holding this hand that has been covered in cum countless times from these type of images. In those moments, I just don't know what to do, how to think, or where to go from there.

31
Well, we have moved to a new area and are enjoying it very much. Something I have found interesting is that my husband being about a year clean is very eager and excited to build new friendships. It is very different from his old self. He is reading all of the books you ladies and some of the gentlemen have recommended him read, and he has joined a 12 program for men with porn addiction. He is doing great! I am doing ok. I am hanging in there. Reading books as well and working on some things in my recovery I have just noticed I am less inclined to jump into any sort of relationship with new friends. I feel more sceptic than I used to. Anyone else feel this?

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Porn Addiction / Porn, Human trafficking, and ways you can help
« on: May 22, 2017, 05:52:56 PM »
I came across this today and thought I would share. There are lots of reasons to not look at porn here are a few more and ways you can help! My husband and I thought it was cool and I just wanted to pass it along. Had some cool info and simple things you can do to help stop human trafficking.

http://fightthenewdrug.org/5-simple-ways-you-can-fight-sex-trafficking-today/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=organic_social&utm_campaign=fntd_general

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / fight against human trafficking
« on: May 22, 2017, 05:48:59 PM »
I came across this  and thought it had some great info about fighting against human trafficking. Not only do they mention the link between porn and the human traffic industry but they also have other way you can help. I really liked the site to share hotel room pics! So simple and it can make a big difference. Just wanted to share.

http://fightthenewdrug.org/5-simple-ways-you-can-fight-sex-trafficking-today/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=organic_social&utm_campaign=fntd_general

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / The eb and flow of acceptance
« on: May 18, 2017, 06:45:50 AM »
One thing I know I am in the thick of experiencing with my partner is this weird acceptance that is like the tide. Right after D-day is was very easy for my husband to admit he has a problem. He is almost a year clean and I have noticed as time went on he has started to distance himself from the reality that he is an addict. He is very quick to view this as a check list item and mark off this box. See himself as recovered and that part of his life is over. He doesn't seem to have the consistency or understanding that you are an addict for life. Its just like any other addiction. We will have  a big argument and then he will see and agree but then time will pass and we will be right back here. Its like the tide. The thing I am noticing for myself as a partner is when he treats it like and box and yup, click, I'm over it. What his is also saying or rather implying is that I should be over it too. He sorta has an unsaid attitude that He is tolerating my recovery but he has an expectation that I should be further along here and its a real inconvenience to him. That tells me there really hasn't been a full understanding of what it means to be addicted. And let me be clear, he very much is an addict! He has had PIED for over a decade!!!! Yeah! Men like to do quick fixes. I see this as a coping mechanism or something. Either way as the partner it totally blows!!! I have read books on it, it doesn't prepare you for how much it still hurts.

I just wanted to bring this discussion up for a few reasons. So new partners will be prepared for this, it took me quite by surprise and that sucked, lol. And maybe to have a conversation about weather other partners have seen and experienced this and how they have helped their PA loved one come to see the full reality of what it means to be an addict.

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What do you do when you and your husband have stuck it out. He has completely removed porn and really doesn't even have a desire to look at it again yet he is still a self-centered asshat? I had really hoped that him dealing with this addiction would help him see beyond himself but apparently that doesn't happen unless I bitch about it, period. I don't want to have to yell at someone just for them to see and care about me. This is a really sucky realization. I think it might be almost as bad at D-day, honestly.

36
I have been thinking this over quite a bit. I read over and over again for other women and myself included how we are hoping that the men will make the right choices and choose us over porn. Well what about us and our choice? I am so tired of feeling like all the cards were in their hands. That is just not true. I have reread my journal, the self pity that flairs up is pretty sad, lol. Where did I go wrong? At some point in my life I feel like I lost part of myself. I feel like I lost the realization that I had and have a choice. With the kids, and the laundry, and the business, and him having the career, all of it. I lost myself. I felt stuck. If I wasn't with him than I didn't know who I would be. How would I support myself? I didn't think I was strong enough to be able to do it. Over that last few months I have realized I am strong enough. I don't understand where I went but dammit I don't want to loose myself ever again. I do choose to stay in my marriage. It is not just his choice but it is mine too! I pick him. If the day came that he decided to go back to porn, well, I no longer fear leaving. I know I could do it. It frankly would be a hell of a lot easier than dealing with porn again! LOL! I know this is a bit of a ramble but mainly I want the ladies here to understand that we have choice. I know each situation has its own unique issues but even still we all have a choice. I know at some point I stopped seeing myself, seeing my worth, and I lost myself. I really hope each of us keep hold of our true self. Don't let something as stupid as porn ruin you! We are stronger than that!

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I have always been bothered be dishonesty. Since D-day, its way worse! We recently found out the guy buying our house in Oregon was lying to us. Not only that but his mortgage agent and realtor were helping cover it up. I was and am so mad. At first I was furious. Like way more upset than is  healthy. I was glad I am across the country. I wanted to see the realtor and mortgage fired, licenses taken away, homeless! Now I do understand what they did was wrong but wishing someone homeless, its just way too far. If I am going to be honest with myself then I had to admit this was a total trigger. I am still upset about being lied to for half of my life by the man I love. This situation just brought up all of those emotions again. It made me scared. I feel like the reality is that my husband did lie and deceive. I am working on forgiveness, its a daily choice. It is a choice I choose to make willingly. I don't want to have these strings still attached. I am working on acknowledging my pain and working through it. I am choosing to let go of my frustration about this stupid house. I am going to trust that God can provide and sort this mess out and I am going to move forward with my life.

Thank you ladies for being such a consistent source of support. I so greatly appreciate it.

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Since I have noticed the topic come up in a few different threads it got me thinking a lot about communication. When I look at my marriage and think about the progress we have made so far, every single step of it is communication. Without communication you don't have a relationship, you have a high maintenance roommate. It is foundational to ever part of the recovery process. Trust cannot be built or ever started if both parties are not communicating freely. When you feel you can't talk to someone you withhold things, emotions, and parts of yourself. The more communication occurs it starts to build a safe space. You tell your partner when you are uncomfortable instead of just stiffening up or giving the silent treatment. For the PA they need to be communicating their progress, it give reassurance that healing and recovery is even happening at all. Sometimes it feels so stagnate. When the trust has been broken the only way to repair it is through constant check in and reassurance. Communication!

Each person in the relationship is on their own journey to healing and recovery. You cannot be your partners accountability person but you can be a support. Accountability partners are removed enough to be able to see the big picture a little more clearly. Partners are too close, and frankly too hurt to be able to remove their emotion from the situation. I know for myself I had way too much judgement to be able to help my husband without being angry for several months and occasionally it still comes up. Each person the PA and the partner need to work on their own healing but through communication that is where the relationship starts to repair. By telling the other person how you are doing, feeling, and what your are working on they get an understanding of where you are at. By asking for help in certain areas it give them an opportunity to support and slowly earn trust though action. Communication is the heart of the entire relationship.

I am going to say this not to be discouraging but to be honest. If a partner refuses to be open then there is not hope of change. It takes time for openness to happen but by being able to at least talk is the first step. If they won't even entertain the conversation that is a red flag. I am not saying its hopeless and you should leave. Each situation is different. I am saying to stop and take notice and really think about your next steps. Be sure you have an understanding of your boundaries and expectations. It is imperative that we have boundaries and we are consistent in enforcing them. When we day this is the last straw and we never do anything about it when its broke then we are are telling our partners that we don't really mean what we say and we ruin their trust in us just as they have. I had to claim my part of the damage in my relationship by enabling his behavior for all of those years. It is only when I finally became my word and stood my ground that he started to learn to be his word as well.

Sorry for the long post. I hope this helps a little and tells of the importance of communication. I also hope some PA's might read it and realize how important honesty and openness is in their relationship is. Without it you don't have a relationship at all, just a lie.

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I have noticed that when I read about husbands not telling their wives and justifying it, well it infuriates me so much. Then only to read further and see other men defend this. The dishonesty and the hiding, well that attitude is the very root of what got them here in the first place!!!! They have no idea the manipulation, hurt, deceit, and destruction they are doing by hiding and lying. It to me is disgraceful on so many levels, not just to their wives but to their own recovery! Then they have the gal to package it in this "I don't want to hurt her or cause her pain" package, as if they are doing it for her benefit. Nope!!!! They are just scared, sad, cowards who are afraid she will leave. Well if they want to lie, manipulate, and deceive then frankly she should leave! She deserve to be in a relationship where she is not being manipulated and lied to. That is abuse! It makes me so mad. I know I sound like a real bitch, lol. I probably am, lol. I have wanted to say this for a while but didn't want to offend and I have finally come to a place where I realized I just don't care, LOL!
Thanks for the rant.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?

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Ok so we have moved to a new town and are getting settled. Meeting new people and starting the process of building our life here. One thing I have noticed it how awkward it is when guys or even ladies mention porn related side comments. I mean it isn't our intention to create odd silence. We usually just don't really say anything and try to move the conversation in a new direction. It happens most around our work colleges. Our business shares a building with another business and we work together on some projects so keep a good relationship is crucial. Not sure how to work this out. I feel like before all of this I would have just ignored it and it wouldn't have even bothered me. Now, it does. It even bothers my husband. I think it just makes us feel uncomfortable considering all that we have been through. If there a socially acceptable way to respond that isn't down putting on anyone. It isn't our intention to offend but we really don't care for that kind of conversation.

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I was reflecting today on some things and one thing that suck out to me was how different I felt right after D-day. I felt so 100% about my emotions and frankly I really thought I was going to leave. One thing I noticed was how changes happened when I was least expecting it and how my thoughts, opinions, and my perceptions have changed a lot. I feel like a very different person today than I was, in a good way I think, lol. My mom used to tell me not to talk or decide things in 100% certainty because you never know what the future holds. Sometimes its better sometimes it worse, you just never know.

For me this was a big revelation. What are some of the revelations that anyone else has had? How have you changed? Is it for the good, or not? No judgement just thought that this could be a good conversation for us to look at and grow from?

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I know for myself sometimes I get overwhelmed. I really think resentment helps no one. What has others found to be the most helpful ways to move out of the funk so you don't sit for too long and have resentment build? Thoughts?

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Celebrate big or not
« on: March 13, 2017, 09:04:47 PM »
I was looking at the calendar today and realizing that our 1 yr from d day is coming up at the end of May. It is still a bit out but if we are going to do something big to celebrate then I would need to plan ahead of time. I feel like we are past the relapse part, I don't really worry about it overall but then again it does cross my mind sometimes. Am I being too trusting and naive again? I had always thought if  we got to one year I would want to go on a trip or something big to celebrate but maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment? Is that too much pressure? Just trying to figure out a good plan. Thoughts? What did other do (or what do they want to do) when they hit the one year mark. I defiantly want to do something to celebrate. It is more than him leaving porn, its a rebirth of our marriage I feel like.

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So recently my husband has been browsing pinterest. He has been looking at houses and design ideas. We are buying an older house from the 1800's and he is looking for different ideas to make it ours. I know that is what he is doing because he uses my sign on and it is loaded with all of these decor concepts, lol. He tents to be a very focused person so when ever he has a free moment he will be on his phone looking at all of this. He never really looked at porn on his phone, the screen is to small to get into it he said. And his current phone has a spiderweb of cracks on it so I am positive he isn't looking at porn on that, lol! I don't really know how he can look at anything on it! So one thing that came up for me is that I have read on here about men finding porn and porn subs on pinterest. THen I started to wonder....he says he doesn't look at it but how do I know? Maybe he has a secret sign on that I don't know about? Maybe this is just what he is telling me so I don't freak out? He claims that he would tell me if he slipped up.....but would he really? This is what my brain does. Its awful. I don't want to ask him to not look at this stuff as my logical mind knows its probably all on the up and up. I am just still having a hard time trusting in this area. He used facebook for so long, masturbating to all of my friends, it has just made it hard for me to take him at his word on this. Maybe by giving it time and him showing me that he isn't repeating the past it will help build trust for the future?

Any of you ladies had this experience? Can anyone lend advise?

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My husband and I just when on a long business trip (driving). While in the car we were able to connect and reflect on the past year. One that I was really happy to notice was not just how much he has changed, improved, and is slowly becoming the person he always wanted to be, but how much I have changed too. I can really see how I have grown in this process. I am handling things better, I process emotion better. I can see how this has impacted my life is good ways too. I am in no way saying I am glad my husband was addicted to porn or giving any endorsement to the situation but more see and appreciating the silver lining in the last year. I am happy to see us becoming closer from this difficult and trying year.

I wonder what things have improved for the better in anyone else's relationships?
Just trying to bring some positive back, lol.

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Porn Addiction / Sincere question
« on: February 27, 2017, 11:18:50 AM »
I have been noticing something and I am genuinely wanting to understand. I know I see things as a partner and I am wanting to understand the PA's perspective.  I have noticed a growing number of PA's in relationships that choose not to tell their partner. At first I thought maybe in one or two circumstances there must be a specific reason but I have noticed a growing trend. My question is why? I am not trying to be judgemental I really want to know and understand. See from my personal perspective I see it and the first step. Porn feeds on secrecy and hiding, that is how shame and guilt build. Honesty takes the power away from it. I know its hard, actions have consequences, it might hurt the feelings but that is part of claiming responsibility isn't it? Or am I missing something? Relationships are built on trust, secrecy kill that. Our culture seems to have a growing trend of lack in integrity (being your word) and I am noticing this trend and really hoping the two aren't related. Maybe there is a deeper reason that I am not seeing?

It has been my experience that when partners post here they don't get much response all the time so I am really hoping to hear some new perspective. Thank you for your time.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / thoughts on keeping this place great
« on: February 25, 2017, 12:02:48 PM »
I just wanted to start a conversation with everyone about how to keep this part of the forum great. I know that we have recently had a "delightful" visit from a unique individual. He is pretty offensive and obvious when he comes in here. The point is that he really just wants drama, to stir the pot, and attention. He wants to get everyone all worked up. So I thought if we could all collectively agree to completely ignore him he will eventually loose interest in this place. Know that before he looses interest he will first escalate. Which means he will most likely return and be even more offensive than before, it will probably happen more than once. But if we can all agree to not even respond to him, no matter how much or offensive he posts (just report it and it will be removed) but do not engage him at all!!! He will in time go away. We all have to be on board together because if one person starts to engage him it will just fuel his fire to come here more. We all want this place to be a safe and great place for support and to process. I know I personally get so much from all of the partners and PA's here. He really is just a stupid, attention seeking, sad, pathetic little man. Whatever he says is meaningless anyway. Can we all agree to ignore it?

Also if a new person or a PA who doesn't know "the plan" starts to engage him we can private message them directly if needed and let them know "the plan". I just wanted us to all be on the same page collectively so we can rid ourselves of his presents.

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I wanted to start this thread  and get the conversation as a support since Valentines days is coming. My hubby and I don't really get into it but it still applies enough cause hey I want to receive love and admiration too, lol. The point I wanted to bring up is as a partners of a PA it can be hard to authentically receive their complements, love, appreciation, support, and so forth.

 I know for myself I go through all sorts of emotions sometimes. There have even been moments, especially early on, where his affection would upset me and make me angry. For myself the one thing that has helped me is to be present and focused on the future. It has helped me tremendously. Now every relationship is different and we are all in different places. My partner has had full disclosure, he has repented and has a completely apologetic attitude. He very much regrets his actions on many levels. He is continuing to reboot and tries to work on himself and find his root causes. Taking all of that into account I have realized that leaves the ball in my court to a large degree. He is doing everything he can so it is up to me to choose to accept his effort and look to our future. When things come up I have to ask myself if this because of current events or am I upset due to the past? If so have I already forgiven him for this? If that is the case I need to remind myself of that and focus my attention on who he is today and what he and we are working towards. Doing that has allowed me to be more open to receiving his affection and has brought us a lot closer together. Again we are all in different places, I have just found this to be transformation for me. 

As a way to support each other I will put the question out there. What works for you? Maybe if we share we can help each other? I will also put the question out to PA's with partners, what do you think has helped your partner? I find it helpful to hear both perspectives. Sometimes when I hear my partners point of view I am blown away at how I misread his intentions and it gives us a chance to really openly communicate.

49
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / respect
« on: February 06, 2017, 08:49:26 PM »
Respect is earned. Just like trust, I am learning that my respect in my husband has been destroyed and needs to be rebuilt. I have a very difficult time with this as respect is so very important to me. Knowing that he chose this behavior for so long and it wasn't till he was "caught" that he chose to change just makes everything worse. This one is hard because I in no way want to devalue his progress but it is still a hard for me. Also after D-day I went online and made him show me everything he looked at. (for any new partners I do not recommend that!) Seeing some of the things he was viewing to be aroused and lusting after, well it was bad. Seeing and realize that he objectified my friend and people we both love. This all has made me really loose respect for him. There are a lot of great qualities about him and he is a great dad and he truly is becoming the person he wants to be and the person I need him to be but.....this still hurts. I also have realized I am not sexually attracted to someone I don't respect. He is a good looking guy, fit (like really fit, lol), handsome. Most of my friends comment on his looks but for me the sizzle is not there anymore. I don't get excited by him anymore. I am trying. I don't want to be like this. Its hard. I do love him very much. I have always been someone who has a hard time with respect. Once its lost I would be done. I can't and don't want to do that this time. I am learning how to wade through this mess. How to allow him to earn not only my trust but my respect.
Any other partners feel this way ever?

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Being ok with being ok
« on: February 02, 2017, 04:59:34 PM »
Its been 9 months or so since D-day. We have gone through a lot! Both of us are in a better place and doing a lot better on many levels. One thing that I have noticed is that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. We are starting to get into a routine. We are starting to work through things better and getting back to a...dare I say "normal" life. So then why does that feel scary. I even feel myself start to trust him again, then in the back of my mind this little voice says, "careful". Thoughts?

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