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Messages - Erasmus_xlt

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 24, 2016, 06:22:10 PM »
Thank both of you for your encouragement.  The no P has been very easy so far.  I don't expect that to last, but I will be stronger to face it knowing that there are people out there (in addition to my wife) that are concerned about me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 24, 2016, 06:18:43 PM »
I came from work today before going to a Celebrate Recovery meeting and gave my wife divorce papers.  She was shocked and scared.  But enough is enough.

She said she wanted to divorce me. The me that is the porn addict, the user, abuser and false accuser.  The me that is the whoremonger.  The me that has been in a marriage for 5 years where there was no love.  The me that was self-centered, manipulative, condescending and narcissistic.  So I wrote divorce papers up at work that would pass in court (except for a phrase or two) and gave them to her with her name as the plaintiff.

The point was that the part of me that was addicted to porn is gone and not welcome here anymore.  It's a new beginning. Now, we basically start courting each other.  We get to discover each other again.  Who knows maybe we'll get married again further down the road (renew our vows, that is). I can't wait to see who I become.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program Day 2
« on: May 24, 2016, 10:14:46 AM »
Day 2 of 30.  Resolve to Stick With This Program

We are asked to focus on four questions:
1.  Am I ready to take regular, real steps to increase love in my life and thus diminish my reliance on porn?
Yes, I am.

2.  Am I ready to take action in small, doable ways?
Yes, I am.

3.  Have I seen enough of this program to trust it might help me do these things?
No, I don't think I have.  Just being honest.

4.  Am I ready and willing to give it a sincere try?
Yes, I am.

In today's reading, he comments on the fact that guilt, shame and frustration are not enough to motivate a lasting desire to be free of porn addiction.  I know that in 1 Corinthians 15 in the Bible it talks about all the things that will fail and pass away, but not love.   Mark (if I may be so familial) reminds me that my brain won't cooperate, my life won't cooperate and people in my life may not cooperate (even close friends and/or spouses) as they all have their own agendas and needs.  But, true love does not require the object of that love to respond in kind.  Love will still prevail - it just might not be the way you thought it would.

At the conclusion, Mark recommends that we make a resolution to stick with the program.  I made that resolution when I started it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: May 24, 2016, 09:53:43 AM »
Day 1 of 30.  Do it:  Commit to Stop Hating Yourself

Ugh!  Just the title is enough to cause shivers that threaten to collapse my spine.  Already the good doctor is honing in on the target like a special forces sharpshooter.  So, let me see what the program entails for today...

For today's action I am to give a color to the part of me that is addicted to porn and talk to it.  The idea is to not hate it or fight with it.  Rather, I am to love that part of me also and help it to learn to live without being destructive to me. Basically, I said something like this:

Green (green is the color of poison, dragons, lust and jealousy), I'm sorry I haven't been taking care of you in the right way.  I know you have been fighting because of your pain and I have been fighting you to keep myself from your pain.  We have to stop fighting and work together.  I no longer want to live a life of shame, fear or regret.  I have decided to love you but not what you do.  From now on, I am not your enemy.  I am a friend and an ally.  I will love you and not fight you.  We will work together to get what we both need. Deal? (Green is also the color of new life and good fortune.)

I think the idea here is realize that the green thing is still part of me.  As long as I am at war with myself, I will never have peace with myself and, consequently, I can't have peace with others.  By understanding the part of me that wanted the empty promises of porn, I will better be able to feed the true need rather than using a broken coping mechanism that ultimately causes more pain and despair. 

Here's a thought: Green is my favorite color.  Funny that I would pick that for the part of me I don't like and what that part will look like later.  Forget Fifty Shades of Grey and that messed up ideology.  I have multiple hues of green!

Interesting enough, after I did this exercise, I felt pity for Green.  I wanted to cry for Green.  My heart got heavy and my eyes misted.  I feel a sense of regret for a life lost and opportunities squandered.  I feel sorrow for relationships trampled to protect my coping mechanism.  I feel heavy hearted when I think of what might have been.  But, then all of my past has brought me to where I am now.  I can't change what was, but I can change what is and what will be to make them better than I can even imagine.

Maybe having these feelings is good.  Perhaps that was the point of the exercise.  I'll know better down the road.

Ages 40 and up / 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: May 24, 2016, 09:16:12 AM »
Upon the recommendation of the significant other (SO) of another porn addict (PA) here in the blogs, I was introduced to Dr. Mark Chamberlain of Suncrest Counseling and his blog .  I needed his blog because it spoke straight to the heart of what I needed - learning to love.  Because of my background (which I have discussed in my other blog) I don't really know how to love myself - let alone others. Part of my journey away FROM the addiction of porn is TO a life of love and trust.

Dr. Chamberlain also has a web site called Love Heals Porn  He has a 30-day challenge (its a program, not a challenge) that I am embarking upon in order "to keep life moving in a better direction."  I will log my progress for the 30 days as a way to keep up with the challenge and to not the improvements and changes that may occur because of them.

On to Day 1 of 30.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« on: May 24, 2016, 07:36:56 AM »
I am with you in your struggles.  Porn and sugar...who'da thunk?  Both reward the dopamine centers in the brain. Both can be detrimental to the physical body.  Both provide pleasure.

So, I guess I will be joining you in the battle against the bulge.  I will have a little difficulty finding the time, but time I used to spend with porn or infront of the television can now be spent working out again.

Confound these blogs!  Lol

Ages 40 and up / Re: New start
« on: May 24, 2016, 06:21:13 AM »
Philippe, (I don't prefer to call you PhilGood because there is a male pornstar that goes by that) I am glad to read your posts.  40's are seasoned - not old.  We are old enough to know better and you enough to enjoy the best life has to offer!

In reading your posts and seeing your history of relapses, I'm noticing that you don't speak of your team.  Who holds you accountable?  Who do you have to tell about your relapses that you hold dear in your life.  Who can you talk to before you relapse?

When I would continually relapse I would end up dumping my team declaring that they weren't working.  My problem was that I wasn't letting them work.  I also had to get a big enough reason and my current team is helping with that.

For what it's worth, moving from is only part of the process.  You have move to something else and also become a different person. 

Enjoy the journey.  Keep posting.  And never quit.  A relapse isnt terminal, it just teaches you that there is more to learn.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 24, 2016, 06:03:08 AM »
I made it my Mental Health appointment yesterday. The intake Nurse Practitioner knew very quickly that she was out of her league as I started explaining what was going on.  She asked if I wanted to see a doctor I had been with before and I let her know I needed someone that was a CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) as recommended by Todd Love and Mark Chamberlain.

She didn't know what that was so I showed her and showed her a few in our area so that she could do some research .  I could see that she was uncomfortable and she wasn't ready for my story of abuse and addiction.  So she prescribed some Prozac for me and is going to consult with the team and figure out what to do.

She asked about my previous visit.  I told it didn't work because I was misdirected in the treatment.  I didn't know that the depression I was experiencing then was due to a reboot.  The only thing that the Sertraline helped with was delaying my orgasm - sometimes too long, but at least long enough for my wife to be fulfilled.

I have also decided that after my Hard 90 Reboot with no relapses that I am going to rededicate my life to Christ and get baptized again.  I will be putting the old addicted me to death and arising to a newness of life without porn and it's influences.

My wife and I had a good talk last evening. We were able to talk without arguing.  We had understanding and empathy.  I know it's not happily ever after yet, but maybe it's the line we can look back to as when the healing process began.  We went for a ride with the top down and for me it was exhilarating. 

Here is to a new beginning. I know it's the last one that she'll probably put up with and it's the last one I want to go through. This one is the real one.

I started another blog on the 30 day Love Heals program.  I will probably keep up with both this one and that as they have different purposes.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 23, 2016, 11:00:22 AM »
I will be starting a separate journal for the 30 day Love Heals program.  At this point I don't know if my wife will be supporting me and working through it with me.  My lies, subterfuge and deceit (not to mention the porn itself) have her in deep revulsion towards me.

She has told me that she is divorcing me.  That is, the me that is the porn addict, the user, abuser and false accuser.  The me that is the whoremonger.  The me that has been in a marriage for 5 years where there was no love.  The me that was self-centered, manipulative, condescending and narcissistic.  I guess since I put him in a casket, it's ok for her to divorce him. I will need her help to create the new me, but I don't know when she will be ready for that.

This rebooting thingy should be interesting.  They say it takes 1 month for every year.  If it's for every year of sexual inundation, then I am looking at approximately 40 months.  If it is for every year of porn viewing, I'm looking at about 20 months.  If it is for every year of high speed internet porn, then I will need about 14 months to Reboot.

Right now I am a little less than 25 days into my Reboot.  I have the withdrawal symptoms that are common.  I find myself flat-lining.  I can't tell you when was the last time I had an erection (whenever the last time I made love to my wife was) and that was only a partial. Today, my head has cleared a bit after taking Firocept for the headache.

On the spiritual side, doing several daily devotions using the Bible app, is a great source of help and encouragement.  Everyday there is something there that speaks to the person I am becoming.

I'm still reading through Reboot Nation logs.  Watching videos from YouTube, listening to porn recovery podcasts, reading articles about recovery.  I am literally saturating myself with anti-porn information.  But, what really has me excited is becoming.

I don't want to be the same person I am but without the porn addiction.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still want to be me.  But, chisel away all those behaviors and attitudes that don't look like Christ as mentioned above.  I want to know what love really is.  I want to be an emotional support for my wife.  I want to feel true intimacy and closeness.  I want to trust enough to be hurt.

There, I said it.  "Trust enough to be hurt.". I just realized that is what is wrong with me.  I've learned to shut people out in an attempt to protect my heart.  I got tired of being picked on as a child and hardened my heart.  I learned the cold, heartless poker face so I wouldn't be picked on for crying infront of everyone. 

Oh God, I just remembered a time when a girl I liked in early elementary school (1st grade?) made fun of me before the entire school (at least that's what it felt like) because I didnt know how to kiss her.  Where did that come from?  Is that a part of where this started?  It's definitely a probable influence.

Anyway, my wife (a big part of this blog - see the title) has mocked me during her anger and rage.  I felt every word of it, but try to remind myself that I have brought this on myself.  Then, I get defensive and become offensive.  It's that little kid in me fighting back.  That would also explain why half of my arguments don't make sense and are just mean and hurtful.

Thats enough for now. This introspective thing sucks.  Even if it is a necessary evil to get to where I want to be.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 23, 2016, 05:38:08 AM »
That's a great idea.  Writing about the interactions will also require me to interact and not just read it and keep going.

Which book?

Porn Addiction / Re: I relapsed ... it hurts
« on: May 23, 2016, 05:31:07 AM »
My physical problems due to my porn addiction are part of my motivation.  I have my relationship with my wife and with God also as motivation.  I know how to get around blockers, but I put one on my phone anyway to keep me from absent mindedly wandering to porn.  I listen to porn addiction sites on YouTube, Covenant Eyes, Xxx Churc, Reboot Nation and Your Brain on Porn.  I'm doing Bible study daily also. 

These are just some of the things I am doing to keep me away from porn and help fighting the temptation.

I wish you the best in your journey.  When you want it bad enough, the way out will always show up.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 22, 2016, 06:19:26 PM »
Thank you Gracie.  I signed up for the 30 day Love Heals program. What you describe is what I want with my wife.

I didn't discuss my addiction here because i think we all know how bad it can be.  I don't want to glorify the sin.  However, my wife found one of the site's I visited and exploded. 

Let me see if I can summarize my addiction in this regard: my preference is for women that are built like my wife.  Even if they aren't t, I imagine us together doing what the actors are doing.  I have told her this and don't expect her to feel good about knowing that this is what I do.

Secondly, I rarely see the actresses faces.  I'm watching the action and seeing us.  I do occasionally see that there is an attractive woman and see myself with her.  Then I feel guilty and ashamed on top of the guilt and shame I already felt for being there in the first place.

And yes, I have escalated and seen things that repulsed me.  I detest acts of degradation, I can't identify with groups, I can't watch homosexual acts or trannys. I've seen all of these and been repulsed.

I am no saint because I don't like some and like others.  Porn has ruined the most important relationships in my life.  It was heartbreaking to see what I had reduced my wife to.  I have embarrassed, humiliated, abused, neglected and I demeaned her because of my addiction.  She let me know quite clearly that I invited all those whores into our bedroom and (I wanted to cry) expected her to keep up.

Of course I never thought of it like that.  I was too busy looking for the easy fix.  I was so caught up in my own little world.  I didn't go to her because I was afraid I would be belittled and maligned like everyone else has done.  I didn't trust her enough.  According to her (probably some truth to this), I didn't love her enough.  And I hate myself for this.  I loathe the person I am. I really want to love her totally.

After I left this morning, I looked for a place to die.  When I couldn't find one, I knew I was not going to kill myself.  I'm here to fight for my wife.  Fight to become better.  Fight to love wholly and without reservation.  Fighting to love my wife the way that she longs for. Fighting for love.

I'm not surprised that my first 30 days are days of discovery.  I've hidden, lied and deceived so long. It's tough to be honest about what I've done or who I have been. I just want that behind me.  Move on to the new person I am becoming.  But my wife isn't ready for that and I can't rush her.  Who am I to tell her how to grieve?

Another golden moment of coming to my senses:. I'm the one getting in the way of the very thing I want.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 22, 2016, 01:45:24 AM »
Thank you H2R and Barry.  I appreciate your comments and the links you have shared.

Fortunately,  I didn't have to tell my sister anything.  I asked if I could use her empty spare room.  She offered her couch with no questions asked.  That says a lot about her.  She has her Doctorate in Psychology (I think).

I mentioned that I might not get any physical improvement.  I recognize now that I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms!  Whoo hoo!  I have horrible headaches, brain fog, unusual muscle spasms, irritable bowels and chest pain.  I've been to the doctor for just about all of these symptoms before but I never equated them with rebooting from porn addiction.  It's exciting!

I can barely think straight and it's affecting my work.  Hard to believe but, I'm counting it all joy.  If this is what it takes to be healed, I embrace it whole-heartedly.  This addiction will not win again. I realize now that these symptoms are my body's way of saying that something is dying. Well, good riddance.

Have you noticed the time when many of these posts go up?  Insomnia!  Yes! Another nail in porn addictions casket.  I don't know how long it will take to seal the casket, but it's never going to be opened again.  Previously, I'd go back to porn to get me through.  Those days are over.  My body and brain are lying to me and this time, I'm calling them on it!

On the other side of the ball, my wife told me tonight that I don't know what love is.  You might think that's a horrible thing to say but, I have said the same thing myself. I learned early in life not to get too close to people because they're all going to leave one day.  That's the downside of a military family. But, I do love my wife very much the best way I know how.

I have the Bible as a guide and know that the greatest love is to lay down your life for someone .  I would do that for my wife.  I know about romance and chivalry from reading about it in books.  But, knowing how to live in a loving relationship?  I can't say I do know.  It wasn't really modeled for me.  Mom (GRHS) and Dad kissed so rarely in front of us kids that it was a big deal when it happened.  I do realize that I have tried to be better to my wife than he was to my mother and his new wife.  But, it's obviously not enough. That doesn't mean I don't love her.  But, it does mean I have room to learn.  I know I need to learn to make an emotional connection.

As far as including my wife in the reboot process, I intend to at the appropriate time.  She talks to me on a limited basis right now.  She is grieving in her own way. When both of us are ready we will talk more - if she is ever ready. This betrayal has hit her hard and I know enough that I have to let her feel it in her own way.  I learned early in life that you can't dictate someone else's feelings.

My first step at learning is to put this porn addiction 6 feet under.  After that, I hope it eliminates the self-centered and egotistical thinking that goes with it so that I can learn to love as God would have me love. Someone mentioned putting my wife aside and taking care of myself.  I can't do that because we are one.  Taking care of myself is taking care of her.  She is a big part of my motivation and inspiration.  She makes the withdrawal symptoms worth it.  To regain her trust and to make love to her again drives me to embrace this change. My wife is the most beautiful woman i know.  She's wonderful in so many ways.  I hate myself for hurting her so cruelly.

I started to watch some of the videos recommend here.  I had to switch to mp3s of audio only.  Some used blurred out images that I realized my mind was trying to clarify.  I will not allow that to derail or delay my progress. God promised a way out for every temptation; one of the differences this time is that I use them.

F R E E D O M!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 21, 2016, 10:05:24 AM »
Another morning and no morning wood.  I haven't spent a lot of time talking about my physical symptoms but mine are not quite the same as most I've read about here.

I started with M when I was about 12.  Looking back, I wonder what took so long.  I didn't do it regularly and mostly I was edging (if I understand correctly that edging is M without O) because I thought I had to go pee.  After I found out about O, I started M'ing more.

As far back as I can remember, I have had problems with PE.  I learned to do some things to help me last longer, but it usually involved stopping and frustrating my partner.  Then, I found that M'ing before intercourse helped delay my O.

I was able to resist porn for over a year before I married the woman of my dreams.  The first couple of times we made love, I came too fast .  I remembered that porn and M'ing helped with that and allowed it to draw me back in.  But, I binged and my brain had to have it.  Meds like Viagra, Cialis and OTC concoctions helped also so I didn't have to PMO.  But, i was still on the rollercoaster of binging on P and fasting from P.

I would stop when I got caught but it wouldn't last.  I would be drawn back in.  Then, ED and PE became constant wether I was watching or not - especially after being diagnosed with diabetes.

Now, I'm in a separate room.  No porn.  Haven't M'ed since before the last time I P'ed.  I wonder if a reset will even help my physical state. Help or not.  I resolve to be done with P.  I don't enjoy it.  I don't like what it has done to me physically.  I don't like the person I become when I am P'ing.  I'm done.  Finished.

Thank you for asking.
The answer to all of your questions is "yes".
I feel like a hypocrite.  I resent myself.  I am ashamed at what I do.  I hate what it does to my wife.  I wish I could tell my wife when I relapsed but I feel all that would do would be to throw her overboard and into a sea of rage.

What makes it worse for me, is that I went to seminary to be a preacher.  I am not qualified to pastor a church because of my addiction and I can't lead a flock out of the muck and mire of sin if I'm trapped in it up to my own neck.

I hate being a horrible wreck of a man.  I can barely get an erection and when I do I have PE so I can't please my wife .  I have spun a web of lies so intricate that I forget what is truth.  My mind is in a rut (a grave with the ends dug out). 

And how about this - I don't even enjoy looking at porn anymore and haven't for a while.  In escalating past the softcore porn, I am disgusted by the more severe stuff. And yet, I still had to watch and now I know it was for the dopamine.

Why didn't God deliver me from this body of death?  I prayed and prayed and tried to quit repeatedly.  I'd quit for days and relapse.  I'd quit for weeks and relapse.  Months, relapse. A year and more and relapse.  And not just relapse - binge hard.  And I'd hate myself.

I blamed my wife for not being more understanding.  But her anger is helping to fuel my determination to succeed this time.

I blamed my life and all the environmental factors that made what I am: finding my father's stash as a child, all the kids experimenting on each other , half-sister performing oral sex on me when I was 8 yo.  I had a ebabysitte that would show me her breast and perform sex acts on me as a child. The leader in the church having me over and finding out that he was a homosexual pedophile.  But I continued to allow it into my life.

So, I am at war with myself.  At war against porn.  At war against society.  And in a spiritual war that I can't win on my own.  The difference this time for me is that I am praying and meditating like it all depends in God and working like it all depends on me. I'm going to quit fighting it and enjoy my journey with Christ and let him fight it.

I hope this makes sense...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 08:31:49 PM »
You know...

That daggum counter is motivation too.   If I have to reset it and tell my wife (and I would have to tell her) it would devastate us.  She's already questioned me about it. But, praise God it serves as yet another part of the armour of protection.

For now, I'm exhausted. Good night all and God bless you all.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Saw Gabe's story on W5
« on: May 20, 2016, 08:08:42 PM »
Greater is He who is in you...  you are on a good path and have the tools to make it.  Stay committed to your journey.  Confess your faults to God regularly.  Celebrate your victories regularly also.  Remember that when Jesus said follow him, it implied a journey to a destination.  Enjoy the journey and don't let the diversions distract you from the path. 

I know this may sound like a lot of platitudes and pithy declarations.  But, I'm serious.  We have no idea how good it's going be as we journey closer to the heart of God.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 07:57:40 PM »
Nice to meet you Hope2Reboot.  Yes, I have prayed for God to take me out so I don't keep putting my wife through this rollercoaster.  I have driven 120mph down the road hoping I'd lose control and then stop because I couldn't bear to think I might injure or kill someone else.  No, I'm not suicidal. It was me screaming for an easy fix instead of knuckling down and doing the work. 

So,here I am at 47 having to do the work because my wife and I are sleeping in separate rooms because she can't stand the idea of sleeping with me.  We had a meeting with the Pastor last night where she outed me to him.  I had told him a lot earlier when I talked to him, but she dumped on him my entire life.  I was laid bare.  It hurt.  I wanted to scream but couldn't.  I did leave for a while and punched some wood (hurt myself too) it was too much. But, it was revealing too. 

I now feel like she hates me.  I don't think she wants to reconcile at all.  What I got from the discussion is that she's basically going to do everything she can so she can move out and be able to take care of herself.  She asked (then told) me to not come home last night.  I sat in my car in a parking lot, screamed and yelled for a while. Then I drive to a Waffle House for a few hours. Finally, I called my sister and tried unsuccessfully to sleep on her sofa. I wanted to cry through all of it. Then I got mad at myself because I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't. 

Let me tell you, the Lord has His work cut out to heal me.  But, I know He did/can/will if I want it.  45 years of being abused (have to call it what it is), being molested and attempted rape are not going to be turned around in 20 or 30 or maybe even 90 days.  Wow.  That's the first time I've acknowledge that is what it was.

Now I'm at a conundrum...  Do I plan what to do if I do relapse or by planning am I opening a door for it to happen?  Or, by not planning am I setting myself up to binge?  I'll have to think about it and talk to some folks about it. I don't want to relapse but I see where so many people here do.  What is going to make me any different?

Anyway, God is still God.  I am still his child.  He will take care of my wife and I pray that He gives her the care and love she needs.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 02:56:58 PM »
RJ and Malando, thank you.
I wanted to deny the label, but that seems like it would have been incredibly narcissistic of me.  The reason I looked deeper into this is not so that I could wear a brand or label, but to realize what others were seeing in me so that I could correct the behavior. 

As sex has been in my life since my earliest memories (and possibly before), I am not fooling myself about the process.  I expect pain and suffering to get to where I need to be.  I have rebooted before (although I didn't call it that) and failed so often I have just about given up on myself.  I even told my wife to divorce me because she didn't deserve the hell I've put her through.  The fact that she's still here (even if barely) is motivation to succeed.

But, you're right.  This is the most honest I've been with myself about this problem. I am actively seeking a solution to claim the freedom that God said is already mine. I have been able to see my mind drifting and stop it before it got anywhere.  Fortunately, my life is hectic right now I don't have time for idle thinking.  And the reward is so great, a right relationship with God and my wonderful wife, that I can't afford to blow it.  I will be glad to get to the point where I don't have to actively think about not indulging.

Again, thanks for the words of encouragement.  We are all on the same team trying to make it around the bases.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 08:52:11 AM »
I did some more reading on narcissistic personality disorder.  I don't know if I actually have the disorder fully, but I do recognize many of the traits in me when I am in fight mode which happens when my wife catches me using porn.

BTW, my wife knows about my blog and read it.  I knew she would eventually find it, but I didn't expect it this quickly.  As I don't intend to stop journaling (it's quite therapeutic) this is a way for her to see into my psyche and know what I am thinking and (hopefully) feeling.  I don't do well with expressing my feelings in verbal communication.  Even though public speaking or just talking is an area I do well until it comes to emotions.

Back on topic.  As I think about it, what I said earlier about my narcissistic tendencies is not completely true.  Another time that I can see my narcissistic self raising up is when I am on a porn binge.  My wife says she can feel it and she can tell even when she hasn't busted me and that's probably part of it.  Not to mention that there is a spiritual side to this battle that is quite palpable.

What does all this mean to me?  Breaking the bond of porn from which God has already freed me will change me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  To that end, I am enlisting every tool I can think of or find .  They will all be evaluated as to their effectiveness and either added to my toolbox or discarded.

This site and journalling is a tool.  Your Brain on Porn is in my toolbox.  Covenant Eyes is in my box.  Triple X Church is also included, but it's way too easy to bypass their filter - especially since I work in IT.  I'm looking into a metal health professional with the VA, but I'm not sure how that is going to work yet.  I tried to look into a sex therapist in Athens, GA who is highly regarded but, I'm afraid my finances won't allow that yet.  I'm consulting with my Pastor and he's trying to find a Christian Counselor for me.  My wife and I are in separate rooms now, and that may be beneficial.  I am trying to be consistent with my devotional reading.  I am attending a group called Celebrate Recovery weekly.  I am trying to accelerate my degree and finish this term.  I am spending more time than ever in prayer and meditation. Eventually, I want to get back to working out, but that's a financial issue (and time).  What am I missing?

I need to be healed spiritually so that I can be a man after God's heart and have a close relationship with him and my wife.  Also, I can be a better servant to others.

I need to be healed mentally, so that my mind does not gravitate to the draw of porn and my brain is working as it should.

I need to be healed emotionally, so that I can better sympathize/empathize with my wife and her feelings in order to be the man she thought she married.

I need to be healed physically.  I purposely put this last because I think all the other areas will bring about the physical healing.  This will allow me to love my wife as she needs and deserves.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 01:09:23 AM »
I received a label today - narcissist. I only have a sliver of an idea of what that is but Google knows.

So, using the power of Google I found that a narcissist is a person with an inflated sense of self-importance.
To me, that right there is funny.  I was taught from an early age that I could be replaced at anytime.  And, the rest of my life has proven that to me.  I'm a nobody in a world of nobody's - except of course for The Donald.  But, as that was but one source, I looked deeper...

Psychology Today is a well known and venerated journal in the annals of thought.  Let's see what they had to say concerning narcississtic persons (that can't spell):

1. They make it clear they know everything.
According to my wife, I correct everything she says.Now, I don't know about everything, but I do find myself correcting her often but, usually its when she is trying to tell me what I am thinking or twisting what I said to make it into something I totally didnt say - at least that's how I feel about it.  So according to her - Strike One.

2. They insist on being the exception to the rule.
I guess it was a narcissist that said, "rules were made to be broken."  My rule of thumb is that rules were made to be negotiated.  (like deadlines.)  I always attributed that to my happy go lucky attitude of my sanguine personality type.  Rules were made by people to enforce their idea of order upon others, right?  Yeah, I hear you...Strike Two!

3. They project an image of superiority.
According to the article, narcissist want to appear "wealthy, popular and elite."  I live in a rental manufactured home.  I drove a 1998 Ford F-150 until it protested and died after throwing a tantrum.  I wear clothes that went out of fashion decades ago.  Not to mention, I am fat and out of shape.  Heck, I shop at discount stores like Dollar General.  I think I have to call Ball on this one.  Someone else may disagree...

4. They make a great first impression, but quickly wear out their welcome.
Well, since I learned that I am not the person my wife married and she is at a point where she doesn't know if she wants to reconcile our marriage, I might fall into this category.  I've had some other instances where I was the center of attention for a while and then everyone seemed to move their interest elsewhere.  Oh yeah!  I'm a facilitator(Army Instructor).  I facilitate classes and then they move to practical application.  Not sure...Can I call Foul Ball this time? (or, is that me not wanting to admit its true...)

5. They boost their egos by implying others are inferior.
I'm a jack of all trades, master of one or two.  At least that;s how I joke with people when I introduce myself.  I've been fortunate to travel internationally at a young age and experienced a lot.  I just state things as they are, but I try to not put people down.  However, my wife has recently told me that she thinks I act superior.  Perhaps I don't see myself very clearly...Strike Three?

6. They assume everyone adores them.
That's not me. I don't want anyone to hate me, but there are some people I know that can't stand me.  Not all personalities get along, and I know that.  I don't assume anything about anyone - at least as far as I know.  Ball!

7. They put their own feelings ahead of other people’s needs.
I'll admit that I do - sometimes.  But, I will disadvantage myself to help someone else in an instant.  I enjoy helping and serving others and not only when its convenient or beneficial to me.  But, my wife might disagree, especially when she is angry.  So, I don't know.  Another Foul?

With the above questions in mind, am I a narcissistic person.  My wife and pastor think I am.  I would admit that I have some narcissistic tendencies some times, but I don't think I am clinically narcissistic.  But, hey, what do I know?  If I am, I guess the psychologist is going to either love or hate to see me coming. 

You know what the funny thing is about labels?  They don't always stick...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 19, 2016, 12:18:04 AM »
This feels different this time.

I have read a book entitled "Feels Like Redemption".  The author related his experience with porn and gaining freedom through a mystical encounter with himself. I'm not sure if I'm going to drink the Kool-Aid yet or not but, I did take some introspective moments to consider why I am who I am.

My life as early as I can remember has always had sexual situations and imagery. I remember as a teen telling my mother that if I had not made a decision to follow Jesus when I did, she would probably have been a grandmother before I was 15. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

So, I'm analyzing myself more trying to determine why porn? I know about dopamine. But, why porn?  What makes me turn to the pretty pixels of depravity?   While in church on Sunday, I wrote a list of possible triggers: angry, mad, sad, lonely, dejected, rejected, elated, frustrated, stressed, distressed, distracted, unattractive, confused, refused, disrespected, belittled, mocked, (need I go on?).

While composing this list again, I just realized that these are all emotions. Hmmm...I wrote about my struggles with emotions yesterday. Has porn become a horrible substitute for my emotions? I feel, therefore I PMO? I don't think Shakespeare would approve, but maybe I'm onto something.  Even if not all the reason, perhaps I've discovered a piece of the puzzle.

And, maybe, that's why this time feels different. I'm going further than "Just stop", "PMO is bad", "I have to stop sinning by spilling my seed on the ground" (Biblical reference), "if I were truly a Christian, I wouldn't have this problem (except that I am and I do)".  This time around its less like a commercial and more like a multi-part, investigative documentary.

This time FEELS different.  I sure hope so.  I can't afford a relapse.

BTW, I have an appointment with Mental Health at the VA tomorrow (  I hope I can get someone helpful.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 18, 2016, 11:18:09 PM »
I appreciate the straight talk.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 18, 2016, 11:48:44 AM »
I am dead.

I have 3 emotional states: normal, happy; dead-pan; and raging. 

I am told that I am intelligent and tested with a high IQ (I don't remember the number).  But, my emotional intelligence is close to non-existent.  I've been told to emote and share my emotions.  When I try, I'm told that I don't have a right to feel the way I do.  Huh?

I blame my lack of emotional intelligence on my addiction to porn and escalation to acting out.  I don't have to emote with the woman on the screen.  She isn't going to judge me, make fun of me, mock me or demand more of me. She just performs.

I hate myself for this.  I married a woman that was all I ever dreamed a woman could be physically.  She is so darn sexy.  When we were dating, it was she who asked me why I hadn't made love to her yet.  I thought she loved sex as much as me.  Now, my addiction and subsequent ED have caused her to avoid my touch.

Also, her intelligence blew me away - she is every bit my mental equal and perhaps even superior to me in many ways. I find her intelligence to be quite seductive.   But, then I found out that she has emotions.  I am struggling to cope with her feelings.  I can't understand why she reacts the way that she does.  Intellectually I can reason why, but I can't sympathize or empathize with her because I don't feel that way.  And that hurts her more.

I've had a couple of breakthroughs emotionally. It scared me.  It made me think that I was right to fear emotions.  But we did get close during those times.  But, I can't just manufacture or fake emotions.  It's funny, isn't it: I lied about my porn use but lying about emotions - no way!

So now, she says I have destroyed her and our marriage.  She says I am a control freak and sick.  No matter what I try to say (she won't let me finish) she says I am manipulating and trying to control her.  Is that who I am?  Is this who I have become? Is this an outcome of the addiction? I don't recognize that person; it doesn't sound like the me I know or think I am.  Or, is that what she sees because of the filter of her life that she is seeing me through? 

There is only one way to find out; break the addiction and then see I am on the other side.  The only question is, will she still be around to meet the real me without porn?  He's shown up a time or two.  However, my porn addicted alter-ego shows back up again and takes over.  Am I going to lose her?  Have I lost her already?  I hope not.  I really do love her.  But, does she have any love for me remaining?

I am dead. 

I need a resurrection.

Another problem is that I may be codependent.  I don't want to lose her.

Ages 40 and up / Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 18, 2016, 01:25:09 AM »
Day 1.
Busted.  Again.
Its amazing how desperately dumb I can be. 
So, I'm doing homework at the table where I have the computer set up.  My wife is in the bedroom because she hasn't been feeling very well.  She even had to endure an invasive medical procedure to only find out that the doctors do not know what is causing the problem.
I've digressed...(already!)
I reason in my mind that its been a while since we made love (of course, my difficulty obtaining an erection and ejaculating prematurely haven't helped) so a little porn to help is better than the alternative (hooking up with someone on a dating site...)

Aside - Ah, so you see that, eh?  My problem already goes beyond internet porn addiction and straight into sexual addiction of which porn is but one outlet.  Acting out has already ruined one marriage so, porn is my only outlet now.

I open up a browser window to one of the free porn sites I visit on an infrequent regular basis ( you know, I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm really trying to quit...riiiiight!) and start watching a short video.  Suddenly, she comes out of the room(!)  Oh the horror!.  I try to close the window, but can't.  Instead, I hide the window behind my school work - but the sound is still playing in my headset.

"Keep walking, keep walking" I'm thinking to myself as she heads toward the kitchen.  Then she stops.

"What are you listening to," she innocently asks.  Then, she bends down to listen in and that's when the woman in the video starts moaning loudly in the throes of ecstasy.  I'm mortified.  She demands to know what I'm doing and I sheepishly show her the video playing in the background.  She is hurt beyond belief and ready to kill me.  That night did not end well.  I hate sleeping on the couch.

Skipping forward a couple of days, she discovers that I was using the tablet to cast erotic videos and soft-porn to the tv.  Insult on top of anger.  You know what I did.  That's not a've probably been there too.  I justified and lied.  Presumably, to not expose her to the truth and horrendous pain that she would experience.  But, the truth is, I lied because I was embarrassed and felt lower than snail slime and was trying to protect my non-existent ego.

How is it that I am on the brink of destroying a second marriage?  After all, I am a seminary graduate.  I project blame on the demons that haunt my every waking moment (and most of the sleeping ones too).  I blame my father.  My sisters.  Kids in the neighborhood.  That boy in the bathroom.  That church leader.  Those girls that teased me.  Doors that should have been shut.  Heck, I was even aroused by sex in the Bible (that Song of Solomon!).  But, it's me.

I am the Broken Hallelujah.  I put the nail in His hands.  I pierced His side.  I stole my wife's security.  I damaged her soul.  I did it.  It was me.  I can't blame my past for hijacking my future because of acting on my ever present lust and desire.  I am sinking deep in sin - and I can barely swim recreationally.  Now, she won't talk to me.  She barely looks at me.  She sleeps in the spare bedroom.  And, I am desperately dumb. 

My name is "Erasmus" (name changed to hide the guilty).  I am a wannabe recovering Sex Addict.  Its been two weeks since I have P'd, longer since I have M'd or O'd. 

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