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Messages - RecoveryJunkie

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76
Ages 40 and up / Re: For the Win This Time
« on: May 29, 2016, 08:17:42 AM »
Good job on signing up and starting a journal. I think your on the right track. It's been my experience that everyone is a bit different. I'm on my first and hopefully inly reboot from PMO. I'm 43, I haven't watched P or Med for close to two months. Had 2 or 3 Os with partner. She is on board with my reboot and I find that is key for me although telling her was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. While in my first three months of Hardmode Reboot I'm trying not to O with partner at all either. This is my issue so I try to make sure my partner is ok as far as her needs are concerned.

I can tell you that, since starting this journey, my self confidence is up, no longer suffering as much from social anxiety, I feel much more motivated. I've started setting goals and I notice myself being more present when interacting with people. At this point I don't feel much anxiety.

Having said that, the nice weather is upon us now and triggers are everywhere. I have been finding it difficult but not impossible to abstain from M. Lusting in my mind is a whole different story but I am able to not obssess when the triggers hit my brain meaning I am able to let it go shortly after the thoughts enter my mind.

Keep up with the journaling and check out yourbrainonporn.com. I've found that particular website very helpful.

Good luck Franklinj6 and don't be shy to comment OT post on others journals.

77
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 27, 2016, 09:58:59 PM »
Tough day at work, came home cleaned up the new mountain bike acut the grass, after that I was sapped of energy. I didn't want to go out and I didn't. I watched The new a movie and I found it hard not to M tonight. I didn't mostly because I was so tiered. Anyways tomorrow is a new day and I plan to get up early and go mountain biking for a few hours with a buddy. Hope the weather is ok. Peace...

By the way does anyone know how to remove the counter. I do t want to keep track my only goal is to recover completely from PMO and M, I don't feel it's accomplishing anything but I'm scared it will set me up for disappointment. If I have a goal it's to become more present and loving towards my partner. I can't be doing this for selfish reasons. The selfishness I exhibit every time I watch porn or M has hurt too many innocent people and ultimately one 'not so innocent one'.

I feel the need to move away from selfish needs and desires. Anyways, good night folks.

78
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 26, 2016, 05:33:28 PM »
Wow, 50 days no PMO, no M, 2 Os with the gf. I'm feeling cautiously confident in my new journey to freedom from porn and a reunion with my wood. I've been working pretty hard at this and it really hasn't been as hard as I thought it wood. Lol

I have an AA sponcee who also struggles with the smut. He just got back from a two week treatment re-tool and came home bound and determined to stop P for good. I was honered to share what I have learned with him and recommended he join this forum. I'm rooting for him as I'm sure all you guys are as well. I know you'll give him the same support you have all given me by reading and commenting on my journals. What a blessing to have the opportunity to share my recovery with so many, even close to home. I no longer feel like I'm stuck alone in a hell hole.

I'm also excited to see my gf who is finally coming home in 3 days. That will be 19 consecutive days no P, no M, no O. It's been tough. I'm curious to see if he'll be ready to play. Although I don't have my hopes up. Mostly I'm eager to hold her and kiss her and talk to her. If I can do the deed well that will be a bonus. I haven't been posting on here as much as I'd like but I've also been working through the Sex Addiction Workbook and it's pretty demanding. Wishing you all a happy sober PMO free day!

Peace out!

79
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 24, 2016, 11:19:49 PM »
Day 48 without porn and without masterbation. I don't feel any desire to watch porn but I struggle daily to not masterbate after seeing so many beautiful sexy woman everywhere. I am commited to this and as my heading states "Failure is not an option". My problem isn't simply PMO but the objectification of women that the porn has made me believe is normal.

I have committed a few things to help me along the way:

1) Start my day asking for Gods guidance and presence.
2) Excercise self do sipping when lusting after women
3) Do at least 15 minutes of house work everyday
4) Show up for work 15 minutes early
5) Journal every day
6) Read and work through Sex Addiction Workbook
7) end the day thanks g God for his guidance and presence for the day.

Small achievable goals. I can fall short of these but not of PMO. PMO will kill my spirit and distance me from God.

Night all!

80
Ages 40 and up / Re: 5-22-2016.....will fight my addictions,
« on: May 23, 2016, 06:00:35 AM »
Good decision bro! Good start! Keep journaling too it will help.

81
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 23, 2016, 05:57:26 AM »
It's been awhile since my last post. I've done a few positive things since then. I spoke to my therapist on Friday. She was the first person I spoke to about my porn addiction. It felt pretty awesome to be able to see her and tell her I've finally made some progress. She lent me the Sex Addiction Workbook which I've started reading and working through.  I'm just beginning but I have commited to completing it by the end of June. I've made a good start and can tell it will be well worth the effort. I'd recommend it to anyone having porn addiction issues.

Peace out!

82
Ages 40 and up / Re: 90 days today!
« on: May 21, 2016, 11:21:16 PM »
Thanks for sharing this milestone with us. I'm feeling hopeful 90% of the time at 40+ days but when depression hits it hits hard and right now my partner is away for another week out of the country. It is a new relationship so for me the first 30 were not so difficult but when she left the country last week I really started to struggle. I'm filling my time with good things and went back to see my therapist on Friday. She gave me a really good workbook on sex addiction.
I've strted doing the excercises and find it very helpful. Was at a party tonight and there were some good looking women there but my lust was kept in check. It's really incredible how when you do a little the universe seems to help you in ways that seem remarkable.
God bless you my friend and all the best with your continued abstinence from Porn.

83
Ages 40 and up / Re: Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 20, 2016, 10:24:30 AM »
Keep us the positive stuff. Your personal relationship and walk with God is paramount. I don't believe identifying with Narcissistic Disorder is helpful or positive. If you find you have a tendency Fr that throw yourself i to helping others. While journalist ng on here try to state one feeling you've had during the day. You can build on that. I think your 20 day sis monumental. Stay the course and continue to utilize the tools as much as possible while practicing not becoming self absorbed while recovering.
God bless you sir! Thanks for sharing your journey...

84
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 19, 2016, 08:50:49 PM »
Experiencing some depression and headaches also feeling unmotivated... Is this common? I've never rebooted before and I'm somewhere around 40 + days... I guess tomorrow is a different day. Might just watch a movie and turn in early tonight...

85
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 19, 2016, 11:45:40 AM »
I get that and I appreciate your comments. If anything they give me food for thought and our situations are similar. I am using my phone to journal on here since my laptop is down. I find it annoying although helpful but sometimes I'm in a rush to type out my journal and feel I haven't been clear about things when re-reading what I've posted. That's all. I certainly don't take any offence to what you have to say and if I tend to repeat things it most likely just means it's important for me.

Have a great sober day brother.

86
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 19, 2016, 10:54:42 AM »
I want to clarify that I did not M, I did have a week moment and pulled away as soon as I recognized where this was going (about 5-10 seconds). This isn't easy. I am struggling now because of the weather and beautiful women everywhere, on the streets in the stores, I feel good about recognizing the dangers in lusting which is where it all starts for me. This part of my brain is abnormal at the moment also. I know it's human to feel arousal at times but when I look and lust, this is dangerous territory for me. I used to do this without being conscious of it but I recognize today that men who don't have addiction issues when it comes to women and P don't sexualize every woman they come accross.

I am greatful to have become aware of this and will continue to watch out for this slippery slope. I caught myself lusting after a woman on a bicycle on my way to work. I could see the small of her back and told myself to look away but I could not. I didn't act on it but the point is I need to stay vigilant. I want my reunion with my gf to be a good one in 10 days. There will be issues if I continue to lust after other women. I know this of myself.

I completely get where you are coming from malando. I appreciate the feedback as always. I just need to do what's right for me during this reboot phase. I don't beat myself up for what I did, I simply recognize it to be dangerous territory. It helps me be accountable to share in this journal and I do appreciate all the feedback.

87
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 18, 2016, 11:32:54 PM »
Ya that's the thing I failed to mention in the post is that on my way back from the restaurant I started touching myself but managed to stop. It was difficult not to see it through but I managed. This is the real issue if I'm honest about it. When I get home I usually call my gf in Germany but today I didn't and she called me and I instinctively knew why I hadn't called her. I don't feel that I cheated on her but at the same time I felt I was skating on thin ice. I'm trying my best to do 90 days of hard mode to cure the PIED. Thanks for the reply malando. Much appreciated.

88
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 18, 2016, 10:51:03 PM »
Wow, rough day... Been doing a lot of gawking  at women and even looking down a waitress' top today when she bent down to get something. Not cool. I felt gross and deflated later. I haven't done that at all since I started my reboot. I mean like I know I'm human but it really wasn't a good feeling. I don't want to go backwards at this point. I guess I'm getting pretty horny and my gf is out of town for another 10-11 days. I'm Getting strong urges to stay home evenings with nothing planned. I need to tell on myself because I really really don't want to go backwards.

I went to an AA meeting tonight and met a guy I met at an SA meeting a few months ago with the same issue around PMO. Got his cell # so hopefully we can help each other out.

89
Hey Bo, Feel free to message me anytime, Jesus is my salvation also. I went through a similar situation last year with a fiancée. I wasnt honest with her about my porn use and I hen ED showed up she felt it was all about her. I tried to reassure her but all the while watching P. I'll never fully understand how I could do this to a woman I loved so much. In the end she left me and if I'm truthfull I felt relief and I was free to PMO for he was get I wanted. Sad because all the while I was seeking out help for the PMO but never knew about these forums. I have recently start d dating a beautiful woman who I have opened up to about my addiction to P. Our relationship has been very good from the start, she was shocked of my admission to her but sh is supportive but let me know straight up. She does not want to get caught up in relapses. It's been helpful knowing that and remembering how my last r patio ship ended.

Jesus is calling me closer to him and I need someone who gets that is central to recovery.  I'm gonna ng to add you as a buddy Bo.

Be strong!

90
Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: May 17, 2016, 09:13:09 PM »
I really struggled to not M today. I had a dream last night and woke up with a semi. Far from a wet dream and very far from morning wood. I was feeling frustrated and really down tonight, especially after having dinner at my parents place. My brother in law made a coment that pissed me off. I didn't react but thought it was a rude comment to make about my gf. Then luckily I got called in to work for a bit so the home alone period when I was upset was diverted for means I'm thankful for that. Hang in the malando, keep fighting the good fight. I need you buddy, you get back on that horse and good job staying away from P

91
Welcome to RN. Hope you reach your goal. I am a child of the 80's and have to admit I wasn't too interested in anything other than Madona's smoking hot bod in her videos back then but I appreciate the analogy today. I completely understand where you ar with the frustration of PIED. I started my reboot a week into a new relationship and decided I did not want to make excuses and hide the fact I am limp, not because I am over 40 or due to my diabetes but from PMO addiction. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever done and I was prepar d for the worst. She was quite shocked about my revaluation but we had started out on pretty open and honest terms and I want that more than I do ant sex.... And I want sex alone although unable. I joined RN about 3 weeks into my Hardmode. I want to experience the real deal with sex, love and intimacy. She told me she would not accept relapse and that accountability has helped me be free of PMO for well over a month now. Longest ever. Whatever your story is feel free ee to message me if you need someone to talk to. I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life I can talk to but no one that really gets it.

Good luck! All the best, hope to talk to you soon.

92
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 17, 2016, 12:04:45 AM »
Ok I think I may have figured out the counter thing but it is an estimate because I never wrote the date down...

Posting this to see...

93
Women / Re: how do i help him quit?
« on: May 16, 2016, 09:59:11 PM »
Hi Hipanemagirl!

This PMO is a real problem and I have unwittingly hurt many good women because of this addiction. I was engaged to be married a couple years ago and she left me because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. We did love each other very much but I was not honest about the extent of my porn use and it got to a point where we were not even having sex barely anymore. That was a year ago.

I really started admitting to myself and a therapist (after she left me) that this was a serious issue but was unable to stay away from PMO until I met a wonderful strong and caring woman. This is what she did for me...

When I told her about 3 weeks into dating that I had PIED and was a PMO addict, she told me she would sleep on it. I fully expected her to call off the new relationship. The next day, she told me she thought it was very impressive that I had been honest with her about my problem (hardest thing I've ever had to do, no joke because I really liked her)... Then she told me that she would support me but that she would not accept relapse of any kind. 

The result is that I haven't watched P or Med in about 45 days and we have been 100% honest with each other. She is out of the country right now and our relationship is at a point where we are falling in love with each other. No intercourse and one O for me after 30 days. It's extreamly hard but worth it. Had she not been stern with me about her boundaries with respect to relapse I may have fallen but as it stands I just miss her like crazy and don't even think about PMO. Or any combination thereof in whole or in part lol.

Tell him you will not stick around for any bs and back it up with your actions. If he deos not believe you. Leave. That is my advice to you from someone who has benefited from it.

Good luck!


94
Ages 40 and up / Re: My journal to freedom
« on: May 16, 2016, 11:43:55 AM »
Happy Birthday Robert! You are an inspiration to me. I just had a birthday myself last week and felt much the same way as you did. It passed and I had a great weekend I never wrote down my actual date but I am PM FREE for roughly 45 days. I have no desire to watch P but I sometimes struggle with the urge to M. I will carry on and I thank you for your sharing your success journey!

God bless!

95
Ages 40 and up / Re: Failure is not an option
« on: May 15, 2016, 09:12:00 PM »
Hey all,

I haven't posted in a couple days because I've been trying keep pretty busy. My gf left Thursday for 2 weeks and I'm roughly on day 45 of no P or M. I was really worried about going back to the P or M since she is gone but it hasn't been that difficult. I've talked to her on the phone a couple times and I think she was worried I might fall back into it also we talked about things and both felt better after that. I'm Feeling stronger and hopefully that this is going to work to get my wood back. I suppose being in an honest and open relationship might make things less stressful and hense the need to find an outlet.

I may also be in a flatline phase since I am not currently exposed to much in terms of sexual arround also in the last few days. Anyways, I'm not going to try and figure it out too much but I find the journaling helpful so I thought I'd write down a few words. Hope you all have a clean week.

96
Thanks for the words malando! Hang in there we can do this, remember that we are not alone although the addiction wants us to think that. Be strong for me brother and I will be strong for you.

97
Fuck man this sucks, I'm so scared to go home after work. Yesterday I turned 43, my new gf left the country not to return for almost three weeks. I'm Really feeling depressed. I think it's a combination of being a year older today and realizing my gf who has been my biggest supporter and distraction is gone for what seems to me right now to be a long time.

My ex fiancée messaged me saying HBD yesterday and that brings up my part in that break up. I wasn't all me but no doubt my lack of libido with her and the walls that went up due to my porn use played a major loll in her leaving.

My head if full of this crap today and I just want to feel happy like I was last week. I'm also realizing that I may be becoming addicted to the new gf in a way. I definitely need a good ride on the bike tonight to get some happy chemicals flowing in my brain. I don't want to watch or M but I'm pretty scared to go home tonight.

God pray for me I'll need all The strength I can get to help me walk through the next 3 weeks!

98
Hang in there man. Try to remember the problem is in your mind. Give yourself permission to change your mind when it comes to acting out.

99
Ages 40 and up / Re: Starting over
« on: May 13, 2016, 10:05:44 AM »
Hang in there KC, go for a walk or something. Remember that the problem is in the mind so change the mindset. Get out and take a walk or go to a coffee shop. Don't stay in a vulnerable place. Think wholesome thoughts.

100
I had a tough day. Spring is in the air and there are a lot of good looking women all over the city. It's hard not to notice how sexy they all look this time of year.i was feeling a bit down on myself about this predicament I find myself in. I guess in short I was feeling sorry for my self. Vibrating at a lower frequency. I had the opportunity to be helpful to a alcoholic friend last night. He's been going through a rough time with the bottle. Thank God I'm sober going through this rebooting.

When I got home I had no energy. My gf was working late and I was really looking forward to seeing her tonight and although I just wanted to flake on the couch, pig out and watch the tube, I dragged my sorry ass out the door packed up the bike and went for a shred. My dog was happy I did too. Poor thing got about 2-3 walks all winter I was so messed up.

After the bike ride along the lake and through the trails I got my energy level back up. I went to my gf house and when we made out I got hard and stayed hard although the dick never came out. I feel so connected to her it's hard to leave. It's really intense stuff and I'm trying to soak it up as much as possible. Hard to put into words and I really don't want to make you guys sick. Suffice to say, despite not being able to penetrate her I feel something I haven't felt many times in my life... And it's 100% mutual. She is leaving Thursday and this makes me a bit nervous. Hard even to imagine my heart growing even fonder of her. I'll miss her like crazy but I plan to up my AA meetings and start reaching out to the newcomers in the program. Life is good, I have an awesome summer planned and as long as I don't sabbotage myself things will be looking 'up' before I know it.

Good luck to all of you guys, I gotta stress that the reason I haven't gone back to porn is due to my honesty about my problem with my gf. It's made me accountable and the thought of watching P is just gone. Having said that doesn't mean I haven't been going through a roller coaster recently.
Night all!



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