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Messages - RecoveryJunkie

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26
https://youtu.be/iCJkTXS4LoA

This is what I've been using. I'm think my confidence issues may be related to my Ed. One way or another. Hard to be confident with the ladies when you don't know if your dick will wake up OT not. Conversely, maybe it's lack of confidence that doesn't help the issue. In my case I was watching pornhub daily but I never used the death grip or get into weird content.

27
I've recently seen them too, they claim that it will help rewire your brain's neuroplAsticity I'm currently experimenting with a confidence meditation every night for the last few days as a means to break away from fear. It seams to be helping already. I'd say general meditation is good practice for serenity. Give it a shot, can't hurt. Let us know if it works for you.

28
Thanks for the prayers Fyg. I've finally decided to put an end to the little putty party I've been having and start really enjoying my life again. Some days are better than other but I feel like I've definitely turned a corner here. No matter what life gives us, no matter how bad, fear will always make things worse. "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. I can find no serenity until I accept life on life's terms." I'm really trying to get to this point because I know the futility of worry.

29
It's been awhile since I've posted on my own journal... A lot has happened in the last week or so. Life seems to sometimes throw everything at you all at once.
So since my gf told me I was Masterbating in my sleep, she started pulling away. A few things happened to induce this from her. I shared a bit too much about my recovery with her and she started to resent me and feel insecure. Also, I started acting like an insecure idiot when she started pulling away making things worse.
Also, my mom was just diagnosed with cancer. She has a large tumour on her brain and throughout her body. She still looks good but she is not handling it well and neither is my dad. I feel raw and emotional and just want to feel good. I haven't watched porn or MOed but I'm feeling very horney and feel like I could get erect if I started touching for too long. I've started to a few times and stopped myself.
This really sucks. I feel really lonely and miss my gf but she has cooled right off for me. I feel like she still likes me but I acted so crazy when she started pulling away I think I scared her off. I miss how close we were just 2 weeks ago so much. I don't know what to do. I alternat my feel weak and then strong at times but it's a real roller coaster.
I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday and this I know will help but I feel like I've lost someone I care about and scared that I am about to lose my mother who I love.

If any of you guys are praying people, I could really use some prayers, and so could my mom and dad.

30
I want to share this part of my journey with you because I made some errors in judgement that has really hurt my relationship with my gf.
I was honest about the PIED and after the Initial shock, she was very supportive and our relationship was in full honeymoon stage. The problem for me was I started to become insecure about my inability to maintain full erections and I opened up to much about my recovery telling her things I should have kept to myself. When she started pulling away, I started acting like a crazy person. I'm as embarrassed about how I acted with her as I am about my PIED.
At this point something has changed for her and I just found out my mother has terminal cancer and I feel so alone. I just want to feel good and I struggle not to masterbate daily. I don't want to do this because I know it will wreck the progress I have made as well as my chances to re-ignite the passion we had for the last few months. Also, if I do this I'm afraid it will affect my ability to be there for my family. Tough place to be in but I just wanted to tell you to be patient with yourself and not let the frustration get to you like it did me.
All the best bro.

31
You hang in there brother, stay the course. If you haven't watched Gary Wilson's YouTube video. Watch it with your gf. I found that when I first did this with my girl we achieved a deeper level of intimacy that was awesome. It's just hard work to keep that and things that are worth while are hard work. All the best, don't despair... Going back to it will only make things worse for you.

32
See a doctor dude. Something is up, don't fuck around!

33
I experienced the exact same thing. I would get upset when I was so horny and nothing! This has caused issues with my gf and I and we are currently just taking things really slow, no sex at all. I hate this as I am feeling horny all the time and I don't want to M but this is probably for the best in the long run. Don't give up bro. It can take more than 9 months to finally be hard all the time 100%

34
My advice is start dating but be honest with you dating partner as soon as possible. Maybe two weeks. Don't atempt to have any sex of foreplay before that. Then after you come clean with your issues, if she chooses to still want to be with you start foreplay and keep intercourse or O out of the picture for about another month. Then you can try to have sex if it feels right. Always be honest about what you want or what your looking for. If you just want sex be honest about that from the get go. Avoid playing games, it only leads to guilt and same and guilt and same are not good for rebooters!

35
Sometimes not very hard, hate to say it but at my worst I needed to use Viagra to get hard while watching porn.

36
Ya dude, so if you haven't already done so you should definitely tell her. I told my gf almost right away when I started the reboot. We had been dating only a few weeks and had sex only once. She was pretty shocked and freaked out at first but then really appreciated the honesty. She has been a real support and the only pressure I feel is self imposed but I'm working on that. The only other advice Id give you is to not watch porn and not masterbate. Take cold showers if need be. If you can have sex with your partner from time to time do so but try not to make it an obsession. Too much of anything is a bad thing. Good luck bro!

37
If you don't M for a period of time your sensitivity will be heightened when with a real partner. At least this has been my experiance. Remember that your brain has been rewired for a dopamine release when watching porn, Masterbating will also release dopamine. If you acknowledge that you have an addiction, then it is said that it takes 2-3 months to rid yourself of the dopamine and delta phone B. I would say go Hardmode for 2 months and start dating or having sexual foreplay with a real life partner at that time but stil abstain from  masterbating for a while. For me Masterbating will trick my brain into thinking I don't need a real life partner. That's the cold hard truth.

38
Wow dude  can I ever relate! I am having the same troubles but my gf is ok with no sex because she says I am getting her there in other ways. That's great and all (and maybe this is selfish) but I am not ok with no sex. It drives me nutts, she is so fucking hot and when we get naked nadda! It's so demoralizing as a man! I really wish I could just let it go. My stress around all this is also upsetting my woman, this is not good and furthers my progress. I was, in the beginning of my reboot more carefree, I was more physically active and social. Confidence was way up. It all went off the rails when my girl and I had sex a few weeks ago for the first time since I started rebooting. I slept over that night and she said I was Masterbating in my sleep. Then she didn't say anything for a few days about it cause she got all freaked out about it and has been distant saying she needs time to work this out. This is driving me nutts but I gotta let it go. This fucking useless dopamine brain of mine is fucking everything up for me at least this is How I feel lately. When I can relax I see things are only temporary and there is nothing to fear. I need to relax, weekend at my buddy's cottage should help. As long as nobody breaks out the old school VHS porn (jokes).

39
The night I started this post I reacted in a really dumb way by accusing her of not being attracted to me. I was feeling insecure about myself because of my troubles. This was a pattern in my previous relationship also. I feel helpless and hopeless and try to make it about her. I really need to stop this crap. It's not fair to her. The feeling is sort of like me holding my head underwater until close to death and finally coming out at the last moment only to blame the first person I see for not helping me remove my own head underwater only they did not see that I was drowning.  This behaviour needs to stop. I understand it as my ego needing to validate itself and shrug away responsibility . If you pray, please pray for me that I might be blessed with humility so that I treat those that love me with gratitude instead of contempt. This behaviour only makes things worse. It's basically just my brain trying to Sabatoge my recovery.

40
I'm coming up on 70 days without PMO and feel that Porn is out of my life forever. I've been seeing a new woman since about 2 weeks before my reboot. I really like her a lot and thing we're going really good until I was able to have sex to O about two weeks ago.

Now I'm having really bad PA. She tells me she is happy with how things are going and wants me to just be patient but I feel like less than a man when my dick doesn't stay hard or even get hard at all. It's a big stressed for me and the result is feeling insecure about our relationship and this really sucks. How does one not worry about wether his dick will function or not? If I continue with this PA and insecurity I feel she will want out of the relationship.

It's a tough spot I'm in. Kind of feels like I'm so stressed out about performance that I'm going to say something stupid or act like an idiot and sabotage the relationship. Anyone else ever go through this in early reboot?


41
Weekend was ok got a few things done around the house and got out for a ride on Saturday. Since my gf told me She thought I was Ming in my sleep I feel that I've started flatlining. It's not a good feeling, feels like I've taken a step back in my recovery. Good thing she is patient because I feel very frustrated. Tomorrow is a new day and new week. Hopefully things will go well. Night all.

42
Thanks M, today has been totally different, my gf is working this weekend so I woke up this morning, cleaned around the house a bit, had coffee with a buddy then went for a mountain bike ride and swim with another buddy. We ended up at the beach and although there were nice bodies there the lusting remained in check. Thank God not every day is hell!

43
Ages 40 and up / Re: Another Try....
« on: June 11, 2016, 02:46:23 PM »
Hi anothertry.

Instead of a warri g the question of How are you doing... Tell people things are looking up lately, that your making some positive changes like meditation(could be a good conversation starter). The. Ask them how they are doing, ask them how they are doing, be inquisitive and if they Ander with something good or positive that you hadn't previously thought of, try to emulate that in your daily life. Keep at it Anothertry. Life without P is better than nearly existing with P.just my two cents!

44
Tough day, my brain is trying to trick me into saying fuck it by all kinds of crazyness! Today was a battle but got through it with a better attitude at the end. Failure is not an option. I don't want that shot in my life no matter how crazy or shitty life can be some days!

45
Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: June 09, 2016, 11:01:23 PM »
Hey M,

Thanks for piping in on my post earlier. Going through some weird shit in my head lately trying to deal with the real thing is tough. Like emotions, good ones and even bad ones. I used to drown them all out with PMO. I'm struggling a bit but I think in the end it will be worth it all.

I'm glad you are still posting on RN I read that you reset your counter. You are an honest and strong man with integrity to do it. I hope you get back on the horse and get free. It's a tough road sometimes but sometimes it's pretty fucking awesome! Gotta take the bad stuff and turn it to good. You sir are dong just that! Keep in touch...

46
I think things will be ok. She went out for a bit (AA meeting)and I stayed at her place to watch the game, she came back about an hour later and things felt a bit weird at first but worked out in the end. I get the feeling we both want to work through it. I can understand her insecurities. I have a tendancyMy to bring that out in my partners, God knows I have my own too. All in all I think it was a positive thing she told me what was bother her. I think because she waited so long to tell me the insecurities grew and turned negative. Kind of feels like I'm dating for the first time. I think I also have a bit of guilt because my eye still catches women all the time like today was a bit of a struggle. Maybe it's because I want an easy out instead of dealing with the uncomfortable stuff.

47
I'm not sure think it was a type o. I don't want to leave her but I'm scared she will break up with me. Kenny was also a type o

48
Ok so I now know why she is upset. She finally told me what was troubling her. The night we had sex ( first time I was able to function normally in months maybe years). She said she woke up in the middle of the night to me trying to JO in my sleep. This happened two nights in a row. I was shocked when she told me because I had no recollection whatsoever. As the initial shock started to wear off and she continued to speak I got that she is very much afraid and isn't sure what to do because there are very few people she can speak to about this kind of thing. I reassured her as I have been focussed on her 99% of the time. I think I scared her by Kenny up to her a little to much about a few close calls I had (not prudent on my part). I think that raised some insecurities in her. I am feeling a bit scared to leave her at this point but all I can do is learn from this and let the chips fall where they may. Tough night for sure. Regardless of what happens my resolve is strong. I have nothing but contempt for P and don't want anything to do with it. Crazy that I could JO in my sleep uncounciouy. Weird!!!!

49
Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on something. Here's what's on my mind... So I resolved to stop watching porn and Masterbating about 2 weeks or so before coming on the forum. My motivation to stop watching porn and Masterbating is PIED. I'm sure most of you guys know I started a new relationship a little over two months ago with this amayzing woman and I just couldn't keep putting these women through this hell that is my PIED so I came clean with her about everything. Since joining the forum I heard so much about 90 days Hardmode. This is something I tried really hard to abide by but my motivation for this is the become available both physically and emotionally for my partner. I feel I have done this in the past 2 months plus and recently was able to have successful sex with her.

I'm a bit confused because Hardmode is no orgasms even with a partner. So obviously I will not be completing 90 Hardmode in the true sense. I have no desire to watch porn but sometimes want to masterbate. I have not Med and don't feel it is needed. I feel I will continue to gain motivation and self confidence if I don't JO so For now I am committed to no P no M possibly indefinitely.  Should I try to refrain from Oing during sex with my gf for a while longer? I kind of feel like having sex without Oing may result in DE. I'd like some solid feedback about this if possible.
Also, I think my partner is confused because initially I told her I was doing Hardmode but have orgasmed a few times during intimate sexual foreplay and a few days ago when I was finally able to have successful sex. I'm not entirely sure what to tell her. I feel like this was the goal the whole time. Maybe I'm rushing things, I don't think so but she is confused by this and I think she may be a bit upset also. Constructive feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks!

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