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Messages - achilles heel

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601
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: May 01, 2016, 04:22:10 PM »
As always, thanks for your support, siphus!

And also, reducing random internet usage is a huge factor to help my mindset. I'm not sure if you can apply what I do, because I leverage some accountability partners. But I have a stopwatch near the laptop, and when I'm doing something unimportant (social networking, shopping, browsing), I get the stopwatch going. For a day, I keep this usage under 1 hour. If I exceed an hour, I'll give one of my accountability guys a quick call about it. Anyways, it helps tremendously. I wonder if a version of this could help.

The idea is great, I made use of it today without stopwatch, but by simply deciding before how much time I'd give myself for social media. After 10 minutes I switched off Facebook and observed my own behavior.

First of all, I have a routine of turning on my computer before I even know what I want to do. I start the browser and then decide which site to go on first. Usually Facebook. Also I'm visiting the same sports and news pages at least 10 times a day. I could miss out something important. Same goes for Facebook.

After shutting down Facebook I felt the urge to log in again. I opened the browser again and thought about for a second which page to visit instead. I did realize how this is quite similar to my porn behavior and thus switched off my laptop. Instead I read a book and actually managed to concentrate.

I used to be a part of different communities and posted a lot when I was younger. During the last years I successfully decreased my activities everywhere but still remain a "lurker" due to the feeling of missing something if I don't constantly check for news. I never related this to the novelty-effect until understanding my porn addiction. There are so many books I want to read and I hope to replace the random internet usage by a new reading habit. There's a long way ahead...

602
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Aggressive Pursuit of a Great Life
« on: May 01, 2016, 03:17:43 PM »
Hey siphus,

referring to your reply at my journal:

And your emergency plan is dope. I'd like to implement something like that myself.

and about your relapse:

All I know is I would take better precautions next time.

I'd like to pick up that point. Do you use any protection on your phone/laptop? Maybe protecting the web browser at your phone to manually prevent you from directly accessing to porn might help. The way to porn on a smartphone is way too easy and a threat to us in situations we wouldn't expect. I use to switch off images at my browser during hard times, just to give me the advantage of having to make 5 extra clicks before being able to watch porn... these seconds might help, because one has time to think again before getting triggered.

603
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: May 01, 2016, 03:01:26 PM »
Hey Buddy,

Yes! I did! I didn't make it much farther than that but I did haha. Sorry I haven't been around. I had several life events that made me very busy. I'm back now though!

-The Faptain

Good job! Do you want to talk about what got you and how you relapsed? Did you analyze for yourself? Any new goals and strategies?

604
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 30, 2016, 06:29:28 PM »
Day 25: Clear weather in sight!

I'm so happy I didn't give in to the cravings and made it past the most critical stage. When I refer to "hard mode" it means not allowing myself to be curious at all. It's impossible not to stumble upon lingerie ads or bikini pics and I used to allow myself to just have a peek within my early reboot intents. During the last 25 days I actively forbid myself to keep looking every time I stumbled across anything that could work as artificial stimulation.

Last week I almost went insane. My addicted brain desperately craved for pixels. I read an article about Donald Trump and it contained an explicit picture of his wife almost leading me to give in. I can laugh about it now, but there was nothing funny to it when I sat at home, unable to focus on anything and just hoping for the days to pass. As I had nothing scheduled for today, I expected everything to worsen, but instead the most critical stage seems to be over a few days earlier. I finished all my tasks at home, returned to my work-out-routine and prepared healthy food for today and tomorrow. No cravings and I was able to concentrate again.

Of course I will stay aware, but now I can return to focus on improving my life and prepare myself for the following stages. I do need a long term strategy and a plan for critical situations. And although I'm convinced on never relapsing again, I do need a plan for the case of a relapse.

1. Long term strategy

A very important, porn-related aspect of life is procrastinating. I can tell from my inner peace of sitting at a clean home with no depending tasks for the day. My mind is not used to a healthy lifestyle yet and tends to be careless if I don't make exact plans on my daily routines. Absolute discipline is and will be necessary even when the addiction seems to be solved already. I won't stop drinking alcohol or eating sugar forever, but I can and will control consume, maintaining a healthy life without total abstinence.

The next task to face is my internet-addiction. If I can change and control my online habits, I'm less likely to relapse. This will be a tough challenge. I will start on monday and my first step will be just to analyze my urges for social media or my favourite pages. How long and how often do I visit them? What's the best way to decrease my online-time? Anyone got experience on this?

2. Emergency plan

There are always unexpected situations like relationship problems, trouble at work or health issues. I'm quite sure I will be able to keep up with my long term strategy if everything works out as expected. But I need a plan B if I feel exposed to some event that might emotionally destabilize me. If this happens, I will not stay alone at home, but go out and meet my friends or my family. The next thing will be to write on here about what happened and read all my journal to realize that a relapse won't solve, but just numb the situation and the problems will be stronger afterwards.

3. In case of a relapse

It happened before and the most important thing would be to not relapse again, but to analyze rationally and avoid a mental breakdown afterwards that would set in the downward spiral. Basically I would need to follow plan B.

The most important aspect is to stay active. Staying away from tits on a screen doesn't improve my life. Improving my life does improve my life. I always need short term motivation. There are still 5 days of complete sugar/alcohol abstinence left. I will stick to my workout/sports routine at least 3 times a week and analyze my internet behavior to initiate some changes. Until day 30 I will prepare a plan for the second month with increased work out and less internet. I also need to read more books and hope to improve my ability to concentrate.

605
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 30, 2016, 04:58:56 PM »
Hey Achilles,

I'm glad you're staying strong, even if it brings you to your knees. Are you masturbating at all?

I'm just getting caught up with everyone else so I'll update my own journal this weekend. Stay frosty.

-The Faptain

Thanks for your reply, Faptain! As the M almost led me to the P last tuesday/wednesday, I decided to stop it. Too dangerous, at least at this early stage of recovery. I already had it decreased to once a week, now I'll leave it out completely. We'll see for how long, as my goal is to quit "just" porn.

Hey man, first of all I appreciate the support shown on our pages, and we don't mind if you're being repetitive, because that's how habits form anyways, right? A while back you talked about breaking out of that vicious binge circle, and of course staying committed at this point will keep yourself from feeling that despair. It's just not worth it.

I love the recovery workshop's description of the early recovery process, and you may be closer to "Crisis Resolution", but currently the effort that you're putting in is invaluable, and your strategies with this journal or anything else you have in place is key for maintaining this progress.

Stay focused my friend.

-siphus

Great link, once again, siphus! When I read the information you shared about the recovery-relapse-circle I realized what I was stuck in for almost half a year now. And reading the detailed process I see that the end of my longest streak due to complacency after 75 days is something common too. Thank you for all the useful information, I don't think I would have made it through this week without being aware about the circle, but I did!

Update is about to follow later or tomorrow, your support really helped me!

606
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Aggressive Pursuit of a Great Life
« on: April 28, 2016, 06:01:13 PM »
I'm not going to quit on these forums.

Don't quit the forum, quit porn! :)

Your journal is a positive inspiration and it's sad to read you didn't succeed all the way through. Anyway, remember how you couldn't believe making it past three weeks? You did. Now beat your past streak and keep "learning & expanding"!

607
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 28, 2016, 05:43:25 PM »
Day 23: Point of no return

My head aches and I don't know if it's reboot related. Still having problems to concentrate on things and there are triggers out of nowhere, because I'm unable to quit my cyber addiction and keep visiting Facebook. This journal is so helpful, because I can read my thoughts from just a few days ago and remind myself of how convinced I really am to quit porn forever. I'm currently feeling depressed and weak, with my mind trying to trick me into relapse. It's logical, since reboot is getting tough and I used to PMO to escape uncomfortable situations for over a decade.

The good thing is that I'm able to rationalize my current state of mind because of the exact predictions I made before. It helps me staying strong, knowing that this feeling of despair is only temporary and nothing compared to the reward of being free at last. I made it over 3 weeks now and I won't throw this streak away just because I have to put in more effort now. I made it past this point before and I will do it again. It's my choice to finally become the person I wanted to be for so long or fail again. My improvements are evident. Every day I feel like the person in the mirror resembles more and more who I want to be and it makes me so much more comfortable around others. Even if there are still some letdowns and it's still a long way ahead, I know it's worth it to go all the way through.

My journal entries currently might appear a little repetitive and purely motivation-based, but I can't make up any clever thoughts or reflections. It's all about passing the next week or two without relapsing, no matter how. Porn is not an option. Failure is not an option.

608
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 27, 2016, 07:24:25 AM »
Day 22: Almost relapsed

I predicted everything correctly. Every detail. I warned myself about these dangerous days, yet I'm actively searching for triggers. I can't concentrate on my tasks at home, feeling the urges to watch porn and get an easy relief. Instead of taking the warnings seriously, my mind is making up that relapsing will set me free and I could start again experiencing the euphoria of the first days of reboot again. I took my cell phone to bed last night (won't happen again) and realized I was one little step from relapsing.

I. Don't. Want. To. Relapse. Ever. Again.

After an almost-relapse there is normally a real relapse about to follow soon. I'm feeling empty, I don't even have the energy to exercise. I HAVE to make it through, but this feels like hell.

609
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: April 24, 2016, 04:17:47 PM »
Did you reach your goal, Faptain?

610
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 24, 2016, 04:16:26 PM »
Day 19:

Euphoria is gone, I'm entering the critical state. This time I actively observed how my mood turned around and it was due to my dreams. During the last two nights I dreamt of porn, relapsing, my last ex-girlfriend and other girls from the past. The encounters were melancholic and I woke up feeling sad. I could observe how my addicted mind tried to trick me into the Facebook trigger.

"Oh, you're not voluntarily searching for porn, but check out if someone shared or liked a pic of some hot girl... here we go: Look at her profile just by mouse-over to see a bigger version of her profile pic... click on it to see..." - "STOP."

My mind is desperate for anything at this state and I usually allowed myself a little peek at non-nudes to calm the pressure, but this is the direct way to relapse. The 75-day-streak was only possible because I did it the hard way and I'm going to get there the same way again. With the little difference that I'm aware of triggers and failures now.

I'm maintaining healthy nutrition and avoiding alcohol. The latter is getting harder and harder as my mood turns around. Anyway I'm going to keep the plan of 30 days without drinking, it will help me getting past the worst stage. The following ten days have the highest relapse risk and I won't be able to control myself being drunk.

To motivate myself I will set day 30 as an intermediate goal. Reaching it without porn, alcohol and sugar will definitely be something I'd feel very proud of. There are 10 days ahead and I know I will make it, because there is nothing I desire more in my life than breaking free from this terrible addiction. So, a little reminder to myself: Whatever happens, porn is not an option!

611
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 21, 2016, 02:14:56 PM »
Hey Achilles,

Nice job making it to day 15!!! I'm on day 12 myself and am thrilled to be so close to my goal. Stay good on the nutrition and stay strong.

-The Faptain

Well done, Faptain, I told you we'd both win the race! I'm at day 16 and too busy to relapse  ;)

This weekend I will have enough time to update my journal and to read yours. I want to read how you reached your first goal and how you'll try to extend it.

612
Ages 20-29 / Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« on: April 18, 2016, 04:20:31 PM »
I don't have too much to write on this entry, just thought that being honest was the best course, even though I feel like running into a hole and hiding from the forum community, because I have this fear that everybody will be like "Oh, you don't really mean it about your recovery, you might as well just get off this site and quit". Although I know that’s what this website is for! Haha.

No sir, you will stay right on this site! If reboot was easy and relapses didn't happen, we wouldn't be here. It's not about regretting, but all about improving. Yesterday you had a choice, the addicted part of your brain won and look at the result:

I just had a relapse last night, and then this morning.

...

My mind is totally in a fog, and I can't really concentrate on anything like I normally can. Plus my confidence is low low low. And my energy is also low low low. I don't really want to interact with my roommates cuz I feel ashamed and dirty. Yeah, I'm just so amazed, yet again, at how P leaves your mind/body in a depleted state

Now ask yourself: What would have been a better choice to do last night? Which activity? Something you like, something that gives you a good feeling. Think about the alternative and next time the cravings set in, remind yourself of the consequences that follow up the porn-choice and instead choose the healthy alternative.

But I'm just going to keep on trucking. It's definitely not an easy journey! My god, what a challenge this is!

Well, here's to continued healing, even though we fall down. It's just hard to pick my chin up and keep going, ya know? But I will.

All the best for now,

-Peace

You're on the right track. Next time you don't write about your relapse. Because there will be no next time! All the best for you!

613
Ages 20-29 / Re: new guy
« on: April 17, 2016, 06:02:29 AM »
Hey man,

To beat your addiction, you have to know your addiction. www.yourbrainonporn.com is a great source to start with. I understand your goal to have an amazing sex life, but it won't be enough of a motivation to make it all the way through hard times. You have to figure out why and when you are watching porn, change these habits and focus on improving your life to the point where porn is not an option anymore.

Your journal could start with general information about yourself, like how old you are, how long you are struggling with porn addiction, what your goals are and then you may update your personal progress. More than anything else: Read a lot! Learn from other people's mistakes instead of making them all by yourself and get a scientific background on what's going on inside your brain.

Good luck!

614
Ages 20-29 / Re: Conquering Ego and Mastering Discipline (Journal)
« on: April 17, 2016, 05:49:34 AM »
First of all: Thanks for helping me out today! I woke up early with some urges and immediately went to the forum to get my focus right. I read your comment at my journal and wanted to know about your story. Your introduction really impressed me and I read the whole link you shared. The urges were gone, I took a bath while listening to music and prepared breakfast to keep reading afterwards.

Now I'm surprised to read your mental breakdown at the second part. I don't have any idea on nodular acne and how it affects you, but you're doing right focusing on the positive aspects of your life, as there are a lot:

I'm sorry if I can't leave on an interesting note. I really just wanted to vent. I'm exhausted from the day's events. I feel like I've told my life story about struggles at home a million times. I'm getting sick of being defined by it. Whatever. I'll just continue to separate myself by focusing on developing healthy habits. I need to work on forgiving myself. I have to accept my imperfections and learn to love myself for all the wonder values that I DO have.

Anyways, I'm glad I added something honest to my page. Now other users can see an unfiltered version of me that my first post did not really reflect.

As I said, I was impressed by your introduction, because you're only 20 years old and yet know a lot about addiction and its therapy and you are on the right way to get rid of it. When I was 20 I didn't even know porn was an addiction or that it might harm my brain, although I was highly addicted. I wasted years with this shit and now that I'm heading towards 30 I finally understand it. It took me so long to understand the effects of nutrition and you already changed yours, adding a workout-routine that made "considerable progress".

You have an intact family you love, seem to have certain economic freedom (gym, car, entering university), a deep connection to nature and discovered a passion (photography) focusing around it. Seriously: Your life is full of opportunity and you have such a positive and strong attitude, that no temporary mental breakdown should and will bring you down. If so, don't hesitate in messaging me and I will do my best to help you to remain on the right path. You're doing great, keep it up!

615
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Aggressive Pursuit of a Great Life
« on: April 16, 2016, 08:28:04 PM »
You're still doing great and the 3-weeks-mark is just two days away, just keep enjoying Mexico and be proud on your achievements so far!

616
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: April 16, 2016, 08:23:57 PM »
Hey Faptain, how's our competition going? By the time you read this, I enter day #12 and hope you're keeping up!

I told her I wanted her to read some articles for spouses once she's done with her thesis this weekend so that she knows what to expect going into the future with flat-lining and all.

Maybe you won't be affected by flat-line or at least not as hard as the more severe cases. Your ability to rewire together with her will also improve your progress.

I've also been telling more people that I'm quitting porn. Some of the guys I've told have said "good for you! That's really tough!!" which leads me to believe that maybe they have tried and failed before. I find this very interesting.

Why didn't you ask them? I avoid this topic wherever I can because I feel it's impossible to fully understand porn addiction if it doesn't affect you. And because I'm afraid of negative reactions to it, as porn is more accepted than ever before with famous porn stars appearing at celebrity news frequently (for example). I know that many of my friends consider porn to be "normal", although I suspect some of them to share my problem. Maybe after full recovery I will find the courage to speak about it more open.

617
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 16, 2016, 07:55:21 PM »
Day 11: Increased difficulty

Being busy helps a lot, not only did I stay clean, but also managed to make good use of my extra free time. At its worst stage my porn addiction consumed more hours a month than a regular part-time-job. After the infinite binge sessions I felt guilty, angry and ashamed about the wasted time (just to repeat it the next day), nowadays I believe it's a blessing I had been able to slowly step out of this vicious circle.

To my surprise I didn't make a single exception on my nutrition so far and keep the plan of no sugar (except for fruits, obviously), no fast food and no alcohol. I'm spending more time on planning and cooking my meals and don't sacrifice this important task to be able to watch another hour of porn anymore. It's not just nutrition, but also getting enough sleep due to not staying awake late watching porn. As I cut out alcohol too (not sure if this will really last a whole month), I didn't ruin my rhythm with a weekend hangover and instead got up early today.

My favourite aspect during reboot is the improved self-perception. Of course: Nutrition, sports and sleep do have an impact on the person in the mirror and I certainly like me a lot more now than after relapsing, not getting enough sleep and being out of shape. But there is more to it, as I have an overall more positive view of myself and behave more confident. After a phase of heavy porn use I often felt all eyes on me and started sweating for no reason in random social situations. I wonder how I wasn't able to figure this out before reading ybop/Reboot Nation. How are you supposed to socially interact with people if your brain is flooded every day with pictures where human interaction is reduced to sex in its most degrading and degenerated form?

I'm advancing, but it's still a long way to freedom. The first urges appear and give me a sneak preview on what to expect soon. A friend of mine liked a pic of a girl in bikini on Facebook and I caught myself wanting to click on her profile to see more, but could interfere before. Then I received messages from a girl I haven't seen in a long time who drunk-messaged me if I still had a girlfriend and that she was waiting for me. I could prevent my addicted brain from taking advantage of the situation and talk her into sending nudes, but have to watch out for further, dangerous surprises.

The lesson learned from the last, very productive days is that the positive effect of long term satisfaction lets the short term relief of porn look like a really shitty alternative. There is no more danger of relapsing to porn directly, but I have to keep avoiding triggers, making no exception. I also need to repeat this to myself: From now on it's getting tougher every day, but I can and will make it through!

618
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 13, 2016, 01:53:46 PM »
Day 8: Currently I'm very busy and that's a good thing because I don't feel any urges so far. Glad to see you guys siphus and Faptain still on track, will take my time to answer to your journals this weekend! Yesterday I remembered a comic about the 'rat park' experiments I discovered long time ago (probably around here) and think it might be interesting to anyone over here: www.stuartmcmillen.com/comics_en/rat-park

619
Ages 20-29 / Re: 5 days without PMO, the emptiness begins.
« on: April 11, 2016, 05:34:50 PM »
Great to see you're back on track! You've had an eleven-day-streak, one relapse, and now another 5 days without porn. Out of the last 17 days, 16 didn't contain porn. That's something to be proud of and to build upon. Distract yourself and go outside as often as possible, the urges will pass if you stay strong now!

620
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Aggressive Pursuit of a Great Life
« on: April 11, 2016, 05:27:07 PM »
Hey siphus,

thanks a lot for your supportive words and congrats on 14 days! I'll give the answer over here:

This is dope. Got any tips? I keep thinking about eating healthier but I never pay too much attention to my food. What are your easiest fruits and veggies to get?

It's hard to give a specific advice on that, because it's a matter of personal taste. The only advice I've got is to buy fresh food instead of frozen plastic bag food made durable with a dozen chemicals. (Industrial) sugar and fast food are the porn of nutrition and suddenly cutting them out may cause cravings too, so be careful about possible mood swings affecting your porn recovery.

The easiest step is to change drinking habits. I left out soda completely, replacing it by tea (without sugar), water and fruit juice. You may squeeze oranges or put whatever fruit into a blender thinning it down with water. If you need something refreshing, put a handful of mint leaves into a pitcher of water and leave it at the fridge over night. It doesn't require time nor knowledge and you won't miss the liquid sugar bombs. This is a very safe beginning and will show positive effects soon.

I admit I'm not a big fan of raw fruits or vegetables (although that way is the healthiest). When it comes to fruits I use the blender a lot, because I don't like the texture of harder fruits. Same goes for vegetables so I'm cooking them, preferably as part of soups or sauces. Ketchup or dips are full of sugar and chemistry, it's easy to cook tomatoes and make your own sauce/dip. Add olive oil, carrots, red pepper, onions and your favourite spices and it will go well with rice, pasta, meat or fish. Whatever you cook, make sure you use oil with lots of polyunsaturated fatty acid and avoid saturated. And there is never enough garlic or ginger on a meal, will save every plate you thought was ruined!

Turned out to be a specific advice to start though. ;) Others might tell you to go vegan. You have to find out for yourself, but changing your nutrition will have just positive effects. While I'm cutting out porn completely, I allow myself some chocolate or cookies once in a while. Sometimes it just has to be a pizza or the big M. As I'm not a food addict, there is no need to go full puritan. And comparing it to porn: I never ate 20 pizzas in an 8 hour binge-eating-session. It's more about a conscious lifestyle, because as you mentioned in Learning & Expanding: Don't be too hard on yourself! It will lead into bad mood, depression and maybe another relapse.

Then they said, don't just focus on quitting. Focus on better things. I don't even know what to focus on as my mind is fairly cloudy and I don't seem to enjoy anything right now

To clear your mind it may be necessary to focus on (y)our endless possibilities in life. You and me belong to the luckiest little part of the world's population growing up in a peaceful and secure enviroment with enough food and water, sleeping below a solid roof inside a house. We were born just in time to make use of the advantages of technology like communicating with people all over the world, traveling to almost every part of it, with access to every book, song or movie ever made within few minutes.

It is impossible to not enjoy anything at all. Don't tell me you were just thinking about porn when climbing the mountain and looking at the beautiful nature. Discover new music and listen to it outside, do sports, be creative (why not focus on video editing? Just don't do it home alone with your computer, meet someone who might share your interest), there must be something you have developed a passion for and it's not gone just because you are going through some cravings. Why not start cooking?

621
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: April 10, 2016, 02:32:04 PM »
Hey there, Faptain!

1. No PMO. I define porn as any naked erotica, real or fake. I can look at bikini pics and be fine. It doesn't trigger me towards porn so far.

Just a little suggestion: Cut out the bikini pics. Cut out everything related to sexual arousal on a screen. Do it the hard way from the start and learn from the mistakes of those who failed over and over again. I don't want you to fail, we need a tough "competition"!

622
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 10, 2016, 02:16:18 PM »
I don't want you to fail, but I also want to beat you!! Is this how professional athletes feel all the time?

Healthy competition might help and if none of us fails, we will win everything! I will see it as extra motivation to beat you, but still supporting you wherever I can, Faptain! ;)

Day 5: Stormy weather ahead

As expected I had an easy start to the new recovery process. I'm still full of motivation and managed to use my free time at home this weekend to do all the house work. I also finished open tasks left at my desk, didn't drink, met friends, did sports and feel overall great. But I also know that there is a storm ahead, incoming around day 20 and lasting about 2 weeks.

There are lots of reasons to make up why I didn't already beat my addiction, but after all I have to admit I just didn't want it enough. I know that I'm superior to my enemy, but I must not underestimate him and also be prepared for his tactics. If I do prepare mind and body, analyze his strategy and keep a long term plan, I will succeed.

1. Preparing my body

The last 3 years of recovery intents haven't been in vain, although I didn't make it all the way through. I successfully changed my nutrition step by step, cutting out fast food and sugar and adding more fruits and vegetables to the table. Although I'm not 100% consequent on this (I do allow myself some sins once in a while), it did affect me in a very positive way. I'm not constantly tired anymore and lasting a year and a half now without injuries at sports or being ill. I managed to go to sleep earlier and get up easier in the morning. Taking the last step by cutting out alcohol - at least during the initial time of recovery - will complete my plan on nutrition to have the physical strenght while going through hard times. Another thing that helped me during recovery was my workout routine (3 times a week), but I didn't have the discipline to keep it when feeling weak and depressed at some point. I will start again tomorrow and hope I will manage to keep it during "the storm".

2. Preparing my mind

I would be surprised if there was anyone around here who isn't also an internet addict. I am and as my worst addiction centers around pixels on a screen, it may help to reduce the dependency on the screen. Long time ago I gave away my TV and don't miss it anymore. The bad thing: I spend hours on Facebook, YouTube and other communities. I managed to significantly reduce it during the first 5 days and currently try to replace it by Reboot Nation - it's also a community, but clicking and reading through random articles/journals at least helps me out and keeps me motivated. The whole Facebook feed works just like my porn addiction, I'm clicking for novelty and don't even care about the content + there are tons of triggers hidden just around the corner. Until now I'm happy on how I reduced it and will watch my behaviour.

3. Know your enemy!

I know him very well. He starts of very defensive, will then attack with full force around day 20 and keep his attacks for 2 weeks straight. If I make it past that, he will wait for my carelessness to win by lucky punch. I went through that many times and wasn't prepared enough.

Last night I checked one of my favourite sports pages and they did it again: Put a barely clothed girl in the related articles section. I didn't fall for that, but to avoid surprises of any kind, I switched off images at my smartphone browser.

And to save the best for last: I had a serious conversation with my girlfriend today. I told her before I had a problem with porn and tried to quit, but didn't mention the dimensions of the problem. Today I admitted to her how it changed my life and how I desperately want to quit it. How receiving pics or talking her into sending me some works as a trigger and that I'm pretty fucked up. I was afraid of that conversation and her reaction, but she showed me all of her support, offered to help me, thanked me for telling her and will try to understand it completely. She seemed to be relieved, because she thought she was the reason for my (no longer unexplainable) mood swings. This was certainly the biggest step I had to take while preparing and I'm happy about the result.

Overall I see the difference I'm making this time: During the last three years I wanted to keep living my life and quit the addiction along the way. Now quitting the addiction is my absolute priority and I don't consider it a life unless I successfully reboot. I will change whatever necessary to succeed, no matter what circumstances I have to face.

623
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sick and tired of being sick and tired
« on: April 09, 2016, 02:34:26 PM »
I'm still really pissed off at myself, maybe I can channel that.

Never be pissed off because of something you can't change anymore, like a relapse. Don't regret your mistakes, but learn from them and just remember what made you piss off, to work on avoiding it. You will only make it through the hard time of reboot with a positive attitude and a rational analysis of what lead you where. Negativity and feelings of self-hatred lead you to a state of emptiness making you vulnerable for triggers...

I know the music video substitution, gave away my TV long ago, it's full of triggers appearing by surprise. There is not a single reason to keep a TV, it's a waste of time and a potential trigger. Whatever movie, series or sports event you want to watch, you might watch it online and have a better control over start/stop/commercials/follow up programs.

624
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 09, 2016, 01:30:48 PM »
Also, don't use that "demon" term too much. We often like to use it because it takes a certain level of control and responsibility away from us. "I have a demon causing me to do things". See how it sounds like you can't control your actions?

Hang in there. I want to make it two weeks this time around. Can you beat my score?

I'm using it as a metaphor, because at some point it seems to be kind of schizophrenic looking at myself fighting the addiction. But of course I am fully responsible for my actions, no doubt! I will control my actions and as I think I'm ahead a day since your last relapse, I will beat your score because you and me won't relapse again!

I really appreciate your inspiring words about how longer runs become easier and easier. I still haven't broken the 3-week mark in my current phase of my life and I'm ready to do this if I can keep going when it gets tough.

The three/four-week mark is the hardest and I'm glad to have found one of the reasons at your journal! This time I will read how you make it past that mark and follow you a week later. I made it past that only 3 times and it gets (note that this is just my personal experience) a bit easier after that... now you might ask why I relapsed again? In comes the sports coach:

Hey buddy! Sad news to hear about the end to your really big run! It's okay. Stuff happens. Do like sports teams do and check tape the next day. Ask yourself why a few pictures caused an end to your winning streak. Analyze the reason that this particular bikini pic got you. Were you stressed? How long had you gone without a release? These things will help you the next time you hit 75 days.

I relapsed due to not taking the threat too serious anymore and allowing myself a little look. Curiosity killed the cat! I looked up the complete pictures at google images, thus opening a never ending collections of pictures and returned to the "buffet" as you described it. The binge set in, I allowed myself to click on a related search and returned to hardcore porn within a many hour lasting session that depressed me so bad, I relapsed over and over again the following days. My streak lasted from August, 7th to October, 20th. Since then I didn't return to break the One-Month-Mark which is why I registered to start a journal.

Recently I relapsed after 20-30 days. The analysis hurts, because it was always hangover induced. I knew that before, but I tried to build a recovery strategy around being able to drink at the weekend. It doesn't work and as there is nothing I desire more than breaking free from this addiction, I will cut the drinking too, at least until I passed the critical mark. Currently I'm at day 4 and I will add 30 more days without alcohol. A tough but necessary decision.

625
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: April 09, 2016, 12:57:18 PM »
I hope someone takes the time to read this and maybe finds something in common with my story because I felt alone and unique for far too long over this.

Took the time, read it and found many things in common. Until I discovered this board I felt alone too, but you will realize that most of us have a pretty similar story. You're summing up the worst part:

After a while I found the glory-hole of porn they call tumblr and I think that's where things started taking a turn for me. I was always a one-video kind of guy. I'd go looking for a video with something that I liked, masturbate, and be done; but now it was like a buffet of images and gifs and videos. I would lose hours at night looking through this stuff finding things that I liked. This led to that and I started getting into things I never thought I would like. I found things that made my prior tastes look like church... Well maybe not that far... but still. Things started escalating and I started going down the rabbit hole to places I didn't like and that's when I really started thinking about my usage.

A downward spiral that may lead to depression and self-hatred.

Looking at your case I feel very optimistic, you will make it through. Seems like you haven't been into the binge-zone for too long, therefore it will be easier for your brain to overwrite those paths. Another bonus is that you live together with your wife and she knows about your problem, supporting your recovery. You will be able to rewire your brain and improve your recovery.

As I had a similar problem with the available "buffet" and couldn't even make it through few days without relapsing at the beginning, I decided to turn off images at my browser, giving me the advantage of having to turn them on again (3 steps at Firefox) and thus being able to interfere before relapse. You might use the same strategy when feeling the critical phase incoming...

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