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Messages - achilles heel

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: August 01, 2016, 03:23:35 PM »
Day 11

Low energy today, I'm feeling tired and need to take nutrition serious again. Still doing good recovering from my latest relapse, I have to prepare myself for the third and fourth week as they will be tough again.

Thanks a lot for your support, Theself, I hope you'll stay on track too!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 31, 2016, 03:09:04 PM »
Day 10

Just my little daily update that everything is going well, being too busy to relapse, will write more in detail next week.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 30, 2016, 02:30:54 PM »
Day 9

Saturdays are always dangerous, but instead of relapsing I discovered two new music albums and finished the last 150+ pages of the current book, making it four books I've read in july. During my progress of longer lasting streaks I managed to increase my attention span. One of the biggest sacrifices of my porn life was cultural life. The nights in front of my computer led to intellectual degeneration. There are so many books I want to read, so many albums I want to listen to and so many movies I want to watch. If I ever say I'm bored, I'm just lying to myself. I started forcing myself to read at least 10 pages every day. No exception, no excuses. In fact I'm reading about 50 pages a day at the moment and it helps a lot to keep urges away, because my mind is busy.

To pick up your thoughts, Theself, I agree on many things you mentioned. Doing sports is a very important key to me, too. I am also able to put in lots of energy in (creative) projects, but I realize how there are some self destructive pathways within me that can turn the energy against the project they just built. I have to identify this force of self destruct that's in my way.

Before we were at the bottom, now we are in the middle, going down sometime then going back to the middle ; the things is we have to definitely free ourselves from that, from addiction, and going to the top.

There is a really powerful report from a nofap guy about addiction : "you are a humain being not an addict". Check this out, really inspiring.

I read that and I'm not ready to fully identify who I am, where I am going and what I want in life. It is indeed a very motivational text, but the author is 19 and by that time I was also sure about lots of things I am questioning now. Life isn't a straight line, our views and goals vary. I just know that I want to get rid of this addiction and that there's a little door I left open. I have to find the key to shut it down and your theory definitely has got to do with it.

I forget about how I suffer from a relapse once I reach two months clean. I just don't care enough anymore, because my state of mind went back to the "middle" how you call it and I'm taking motivation from hitting rock bottom. As soon as I leave rock bottom, this motivation starts fading.

But lets face it: We're all just motivated to quit porn because we hit rock bottom in whatever way. In my case it was severe social anxiety (that got a lot better yet after three years of various clean streaks), in most user's cases it's PIED. We're here because something's wrong and as soon as this wrong got more or less fixed, we tend to feel normal again and forget about what caused us to feel bad and how bad we felt at all.

Porn gave us a good feeling for far too long. And it's sneaking in telling us "You are now feeling good, but imagine how great you would feel with just a little dose of..." and there we are again.

I will continue this. And I didn't forget about you either, jkkk. But I have to hit the gym for a longer session, because I sinned in terms of nutrition on my lazy saturday full of reading and music so far ;)

A wonderful weekend to all of you out there!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 29, 2016, 06:56:08 PM »
Day 8

Just the daily update that I'm still doing well.

I really hope you had the time to read the report I talks about in my previous post

Not yet, as I said, I will take my time this weekend and read through that and your journal in detail. But thanks a lot yet for your inspiring replies, it means a lot to me! :)

Thanks a lot for your thoughtful reply on my journal, Theself! I'll answer in detail to your journal as soon as I find the time to read it completely, till then I wish you all the best and want to read your road to a success story! :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 28, 2016, 02:49:01 PM »
Day 7

A week has passed since my last relapse. I'm very proud of this achievement and will do my best to make it 10 days, not relapsing this weekend.

Thanks a lot for your replies, guys! Don't find the time now to answer in detail, but will do so as soon as possible! :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: The Death of an Enemy (The Birth of an Ally)
« on: July 28, 2016, 01:44:58 PM »
I was up feeling lonely and broken thinking about the past and all that I did wrong and regret because of my state of mind or because I didn't follow what I truly wanted.

I can relate to that a lot, but it's useless and leads nowhere. You know that too and I know how it's hard sometimes to fight these thoughts. Be glad to have identified your problems and to have the chance to change and advance, you're doing great so far and should be proud of yourself!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« on: July 28, 2016, 01:40:57 PM »
Hey guys,

Does anybody have some kind, encouraging words to help bring me up? I just had a relapse last night after 3 months of not PMO-ing :(

I was/am doing really well, and I want to see this as a tiny little bump on the road to recovery, but right now (the morning after) I'm feeling a bit sad/depressed/confused/dissappointed in myself, all that stuff. I'm trying to be really big on forgiving myself cuz I know that's the best way to move through after having an accidental relapse.

Ok, I'm gonna move out into the day.

Hope to hear from you!


Hey Peace!

The same happened to me after almost three months. And then it hit me again several times. Prepare yourself the best you can for the chaser effect, go outside, stay busy, connect with people. I wish I would have kept it a little bump on the road, but instead I got thrown off and it feels even worse afterwards - don't do the same. It's totally worth it to suffer and resist the urges and I know you can do it! Set yourself a low goal and be proud if you reach the first 2-3 days without relapsing again. Resisting the days after a relapse is harder than a really long streak, so get up and keep walking immediately!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 27, 2016, 05:10:25 AM »
Day 6

Things are going well, one more day to reach the intermediate goal.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: July 26, 2016, 04:11:42 PM »
Are you alright, j? I hope your latest relapse didn't cause further trouble. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 26, 2016, 04:09:46 PM »
Day 5

Five days complete. Building habits works despite recent relapses, just finished my third book this month. I haven't read three books the whole year so far. And even if I'm extremely busy I do a little workout every day. My Facebook use decreased a lot ultimately. I think I'm on a good way, but know that I have to be very aware due to having reactivated the "bad" pathways of my addicted brain.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 25, 2016, 02:10:07 PM »
Day 4

I reached my first intermediate goal to not relapse again within the first 72 hours. My next goal is to extend this to a whole week.

Dude, I commend you for getting back on the horse and immediately setting a goal for yourself. Looks like it's going well, too! The first 3 days (especially on a weekend) are real tough, hang in there man. You're so close to starting this journey off right.

I'll do my best! I feel like recovering easier with every longer streak of abstinence. My last streak of 88 days was really healing and the life I lived and the progress I made aren't undone because I watched porn again. The amount of porn I watched in the last 4 months was what I watched within a single week three years ago. I have to remind myself of where I come from and how a step back just means I have to take two steps forward. All the best for you on your journey too!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Momentum Is A Cruel Mistress
« on: July 24, 2016, 04:42:31 PM »
Thanks for your kind words and congrats on your recent success! The showing results should give you a boost of motivation and you're on a good way, keep it up!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 24, 2016, 03:44:44 AM »
Day 3

I had two very productive days and will add another one today, reaching my first partial goal tomorrow. Good luck to everyone else out there, we can do it!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 23, 2016, 09:42:44 AM »
Day 2

Doing good so far, keeping myself busy. Nothing much to say, despite maybe that I'm building a reading habit again. Read two books within the last three weeks and little by little increase my attention span. Not all progress was lost during my relapses and it's up to me to move forward.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 22, 2016, 12:42:03 PM »
Day 1

Kind of hurts and demotivates to write "day 1" again, but that's the pain of regret because I wasn't willing to suffer the pain of discipline. Reading through the board there's lots of journals that just stop and users who disappear. I guess in most cases it's not due to having succeeded and yesterday I got an idea how they might feel. I decided to start the whole journey again and go through hell and back. I can't tell why I'm going to succeed this time. I can't tell if. There is just this promise to get back up again and never give up. I must and will overcome this addiction.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 21, 2016, 06:00:55 PM »
Day 0 - Ground Zero

Lots of wise words have been written. I could say "This time I mean it!" to repeat the other day "This time I mean it!". I relapsed again. Yesterday on sexting, today on porn. It's always the same and I've got to question my motivation.

I'm not trying to get rid of this addiction for the sake of getting rid of this addiction, but because I suffer from social anxiety that got seemingly better throughout my best streak of almost 90 days lately. After my latest relapse I noticed how I improved my life and how I didn't fall back to 0. I'm doing my routines, eating healthy, living an overall satisfying life. I didn't even drink, but I relapsed anyway.

Because my addiction managed to sneak in telling me it was possible to live my renewed life while going for the dopamine rush once in a while. I tried to control my addiction again, not excluding sexting and porn subs like I announced.

I do understand the character of this addiction, but somewhere deep inside I left a little door open. I have to understand that I have to overcome this addiction because I'm an addict. Social anxiety is a side effect and not enough motivation to definitely break free. And it shouldn't. The simple fact that something that useless and damaging is controlling me must be motivation enough to fight it with everything I've got. I have to shut the door. Quitting this addiction means never again to look at girls on a screen with the purpose of arousal and to avoid every possible source of a sexual themed dopamine rush. I am ready to do that.

I realize how I relapse while not visiting Rebootnation as often as at the beginning. And I managed to outsmart my web protection due to a weak link within the system. I fixed it, but that's no excuse anyway. I need to get back on track. First goal: No relapse within the next 72 hours, resist the chaser effect this weekend.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Into the Odyssey
« on: July 16, 2016, 09:18:58 AM »
Interesting story and despite being unique in its details, you're basically facing the same struggle with sexually themed dopamine addiction, we all share. As you wired yourself to porn very early and don't make it a week without watching, you should do this the hard way right from the beginning. Read all the information provided on and abstain from sexual arousal from a screen completely.

No sexting, no searching for pictures on Facebook, no fantasies of porn or sexting, nothing. Web protection software might help, turning off images while browsing is also useful.

Good luck!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 16, 2016, 07:22:16 AM »
Day 4: The life I want to live

Before really considering myself an addict and trying to recover, I already had the problem identified to some degree. Even ten years ago, when my PMO sessions escalated more and more, I would sometimes feel so ashamed I'd delete all of my porn and swear to never go back. The next day I would recover the files and start to play tricks on myself, like saving a backup in case I'd delete them again. This addiction somehow feels like schizophrenia.

Three years ago I decided to leave porn behind and since then didn't build a porn folder on my computer again, but still allowed myself porn substitutes, due to not identifying the problem of dopamine addiction behind porn. Ever since sexting became a major problem, because I'd tell myself it was interaction with a real woman and therefore not to be considered pornography.

Well, I stopped counting the times I said "This time I quit for real!" and the latest big relapse really hit me hard. I just entered a depressive state of self-doubts, of thoughts about wasted lifetime, of feeling powerless. How this relapse threw me back again.

All these self-doubts weaken my power to resist, because the addiction is sneaking in, telling me "Look, you'll never be free, just let go and enjoy the high of the moment!". Every second of my life a thought like this might appear and I have to be able to say "No!" which brings me back to one of the most impressive thoughts I'd like to quote:

Our victory is very much a daily thing. Every day we have to think "man, look at me, I didn't use porn today" and to be very vigilant in staying away from triggers etc. But also to be relaxed about it. I feel that if we're too stressed and too tense about our reboot succeeding, we'll just end up relapsing sooner or later because we're making it into too big of a thing, you know? Like once we've slain the beast, we truly have to walk away, move on, and not dwell on it.

I have to stress this out to myself, because I realize how I start to think in my day count again, feeling like 4 days is nothing and I'll need to run a month or two at least to consider it a success. But this is wrong. First of all: It's important how I live my life every day, every hour, every second. And everything's better than watching porn. If I spent four days without porn, that's four days won. I'd like to use another quote from jkkk:

If we made three days without porn, then we are masters of the universe. If we did 60, we already won. Sounds like nonsense, but it isn't. We make decisions. We are powerless towards addiction, but we can make decisions.

I am proud of picking myself up again, of saying "No!" to porn again and again and again. I can't change the past, but I can make decisions and I'll keep saying NO to pornography in all its forms. Even if I have doubts about my life, I know for sure I want to live 100% free from pornography or any artificial substitute and no matter how many times I might fall, I will get back up again.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 14, 2016, 04:37:27 PM »
Day 2: Picking myself back up

Well, relapsing three times in a row didn't happen to me for a long time and it is definitely a set-back. I guess the problem is how it caught me by surprise to relapse to porn after thinking I would have built a barrier against it during the 3 months before. I clearly didn't take the non-nude-edging-session a week earlier serious enough. If I look at the third month I already find several dangerous situations and felt too safe once more. My plan of building new habits as well as reducing Facebook and phone use is in progress now and I will focus on living my life the most satisfying way possible. If I needed any further proof how porn sets me back, this is it.

I'm getting more nervous around people again, my voice isn't as clear as before, I'm still feeling tired (well, the three relapses lasted several hours and ruined my sleep). My happiness wasn't placebo, porn is damaging my life! How could I fall for it again? I know how I always preach to react with love instead of self-hatred, but it's really frustrating I went down that road again. I just think about how I shouldn't have been drinking in first place, but it's too late to complain now. It's going to be a long, hard road again, but I'm willing to do just anything to overcome my addiction. I have to be very careful again and after completing my first goal of not relapsing for 24 hours, I'll extend my goal to one week. It would be great to live a week without porn and I'm sure I'm going to make it.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: July 13, 2016, 01:09:22 PM »
Hey, Faptain!

As of right now i'm not going to set any goals. This next month will be very heavy on my shoulders so i'm gonna do what I can and nothing more.

Hope you're not having too much trouble and doing well despite of the stress!?


Ages 20-29 / Re: The Death of an Enemy (The Birth of an Ally)
« on: July 13, 2016, 12:17:19 PM »
If I compare what you're writing during last weeks with the earlier pages of this journal, you made enormous progress. It's truly inspiring to read how often you got up already after falling down and how things finally move in the direction you want to. Just keep it the way it is!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 13, 2016, 06:32:45 AM »
Day 1 - Relapse, reset

 I'm not just a porn addict, I do have an addictive mindset. No matter if it's gambling, drinking or porn, I just can't stop. This is very hard to admit.

Admitting these difficulties is like a new beginning for you. Any of those addictions are destructive.

It's complicated, because I'm not an alcoholic or gambling addict in terms of repeatedly doing both. But once I drink or gamble I simply don't stop. It's just like my porn consumption, I need a bigger high and keep drinking until I nearly vomit or pass out or keep gambling until I lost the money I brought with me. The main drinking problem consists in my lowered willpower and self discipline afterwards in terms of porn and if breaking free from porn requieres not to drink anymore, I don't have any problem bringing this "sacrifice".

The problem, of course, is my dopamine addiction and it's not easy to accept that I have to stay away from certain things that are damaging to me, while others can moderately enjoy them. But you're absolutely right, that these habits are destructive. I learned from this weekend the hard way.

I'm almost 1 1/2 days clean and reached my first goal to not relapse again. The hardest part was to tell my girlfriend, because our relationship got much better lately and surprisingly gained a new perspective. She is still supportive, but thinks I should get professional help. I basically agree, but I guess that I or most of our community members could tell a psychologist more about our problem than the other way around. Has anyone got any positive experience with treating porn addiction with the help of a psychologist?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Getting back to life
« on: July 13, 2016, 06:01:55 AM »
You're truly an inspiration on how to tread yourself and others. I can and must learn a lot from that. The love you've got for yourself and others is the reason you get up immediately after stumbling or falling down and that's the most important thing at our journeys.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: July 11, 2016, 07:54:43 PM »
Day 0 - Chaser effect setting in

I thought I'd never experience this again, but I'm right back at the beginning and have to struggle to make it 24 hours without relapsing again. I'm reacting with self-hatred and an "Everything's lost, relapsing again doesn't matter!"-attitude, despite knowing better.

First goal: Make it 24 hours without relapsing from now.

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