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Messages - achilles heel

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26
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 05, 2020, 04:57:56 PM »
Day 28

Thank you, guys!

Four weeks complete, but I can't handle cravings anymore. I'm feeling alone and isolated and took my cell phone home, binged on YouTube and it's a miracle I didn't relapse so far.

Despite feeling completely powerless I'm going to the gym now just to do something and distract myself.

27
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 04, 2020, 05:31:57 PM »
Day 27

Thanks, Blue!

Very difficult day today, broke my restrictions, feel like I'm going to give in soon to the urges. I have to remind myself of the daily success. I know I can make it today and as today is almost over, I am setting a plan just for today and tomorrow: No porn!

As soon as I get back to work on monday, things will be a lot easier. It's the end of the month and it's just about making it through this weekend.

28
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 03, 2020, 11:40:44 AM »
Day 26

Thank you once again, Blue!

Just my little, daily update - plans for the rest of the day: No porn!

29
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 02, 2020, 03:32:34 PM »
Day 25

Thank you very much, Blue and Freedom! Your support means a lot to me! :)

This rebooting nation website has helped open my eyes to the thousands of men who are experiencing recovery from PMO addiction daily, so y'all understand me and I can understand y'all - the frustrations, symptoms, the daily struggle. One day at a time, we can can recover from our addictions.

Exactly, without exaggeration I can say that this community has been kind of a lifesaver for me and I don't want to imagine where I was today without the great progress due to the constant fight against porn. We're going to make it and leave this behind!

Whenever I might doubt the way I just need to remind myself of today, because I felt an incredible level of energy. I am not sure I have ever been this long without any O at all, would have to look up this journal, but I am going complete hard mode and today was maybe my highest level of self-confidence, sports performance and productivity at work ever.

Until now I didn't experience any depression, but I am prepared for the rollercoaster to go down at any time. Taking my phone home yesterday was stupid and I didn't repeat the same mistake. It was okay to communicate, but it was too much of a risk.

I am very busy until saturday and then will check out the other journals here. Hope you are all doing well! Next goal: One more day without porn!

30
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 01, 2020, 05:38:27 AM »
Day 24

Thank you, wecandoit! :)

I made it through the rest of december without any P, P subs, M or O - amazing success and now my next challenge is to make it through the first day of 2020.

Today I made an exception and lowered my restrictions taking my cell phone home to be able to communicate with my friends and family. I will try to socialize more in 2020 and the new year was a good set up to write people I haven't seen in a while. It's important to me to point out that this is an exception, the cell phone will be gone again in a few hours and I will return to my own rules. Important reminder: They are absolutely necessary to succeed!

31
Ages 20-29 / Re: Breaking the cycle of addiction for whole life
« on: December 31, 2019, 01:58:19 PM »
4 days is a success already, just take it day by day without any major goals and focus on making it to 2020 without relapsing! You can do it!  :)

32
Ages 20-29 / Re: It's not impossible if others have done it
« on: December 31, 2019, 01:56:47 PM »
The brain plays tricks with me. I say: "If I binge, I will go to work feeling very anxious, tired, unmotivated, apathetic and performing subpar" but the brain answers me: "Don't worry, man, you can handle it. It's all in your mind. You will just go there and be fine." This is how I've fallen for the trap many times and when I went to work it was just like I had known it was going to be: a disaster that I couldn't handle.

I can relate to this so much and experienced exactly the same every time. It's the worst experience I to face all my co-workers in the morning after a night of porn binge. I try to avoid contact, don't manage to hold eye contact and in the worst situation even start sweating because I feel like everyone is looking at me. Now three weeks of hard mode later I look everyone in the eyes, make jokes, speak in a clearer voice and express my discontent if necessary without being afraid of confrontation.

This is not placebo, I can relate completely to your reflections and wish you all the best to escape that vicious circle. You know your problem and you have the will to change - add patience and you will succeed!  :)

33
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 31, 2019, 01:45:04 PM »
Congrats on your small victories, I know how they feel and can relate a lot to the boost out of better social interaction at whatever level! I'm glad to see you survived the big wave and hope the next days will be easier for you.

Your journal now exists a whole year and has been a huge inspiration for me and a source for useful information. Your support to me (and to the whole community!) was overwhelming and I'd like to thank you for that!

My aunt (who is a retired social worker and ran an addiction recovery program for 20 years) told me that sometimes when dealing with an addiction that times just needs time (for healing purposes, recovery purposes).  She also said that typically the first year of intentional and committed recovery without relapse is like a roller coaster - the brain is learning to live without the addiction anymore, figuring out how to cope with the different emotions and challenges.

This is maybe the biggest lesson I learned this year: There is no healing in a certain amount of time! The word "reboot" suggests we just need to stay clean for 90 days and are "normal" again, as if our addiction never existed - but the truth is: We have to work longer, to a certain degree we need to work our whole life to not fall back into the old behaviour. It's a daily thing and it definitely is possible to succeed.

34
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 31, 2019, 01:30:27 PM »
Day 23

Thank you, Blue, I'm going to step clean into the new year ;)

The crucial last day of the decade goes fine so far and I'm few hours away from a major goal: To make it through the rest of 2019 porn-free! Not only that, but so far I made it in complete hard mode without any porn subs, M or O at all.

The only thing that matters now is to reach 2020 without a relapse so my brain has no way to pull the "Start a clean streak on january 1st" trick. I fell for that many times before, but this time I consider starting at day 24 to be the better option.

On a side note I am 44 days drug free and new year's eve has been difficult for me in terms of cocaine use. Because of my struggles I made a decision to treat this as a random day and instead of going to a party I will hit the gym, eat healthy, go to bed early and start 2020 full of energy.

Finally it feels like I regained the belief in myself to overcome this addiction and I am happy and proud I didn't give up after 6 years with hundreds of relapses. Quitting porn still is the biggest goal of my life and I will make it one day at a time!

35
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 30, 2019, 12:26:47 PM »
Woke up from the nap and was fixated on the thought of knowing whether one of the girls from my nonsense last night was on a particular website. Took thirty seconds just to find out, didn't look, didn't watch, just found out and left. Can't explain it, it's weird. Nothing to be complacent about, but maybe just an "aftershock," hopefully. No matter what, it's always a choice, and that was a bad one.

This really sounds weird, yes ;)

I'm glad you made it through the storm, but be aware of what might be following... I know that after a longer time of abstinence one tends to forget how bad a relapse really feels, but we are good examples here to remind you how lucky you are at your stage of recovery and how it feels to creep out of the hole again after another binge...

36
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 30, 2019, 12:20:29 PM »
Day 22

Thank you, Blue! As long as I take this serious, stick to my restrictions, write here daily (even if it's a short entry) and prepare for mood swings and cravings, I can make it step by step. Today I am very busy, tomorrow will be a huge challenge as it's the last day of the year and I have plenty of free time. Will make plans to keep myself busy and hope to soon enter 2020 porn free and with even more motivation.

37
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 29, 2019, 02:43:28 PM »
I don't feel good, but I expected to feel worse. I'm not going to say exactly why, but I guess I'll take it. Whether I'm calling this a relapse or not, I'm thinking I might restart my counter on January 1st, a symbolic fresh start with the momentum of all I learned this year behind me.

Still weird how everything I know I should do just sort of crumbles in a snap. Today is going to be a good reset day. Hopefully I can get my head screwed on straight and power through the rest of this week.

Your brain is doing just what I anticipated one or two weeks ago when I said why I was afraid of the end of the year... EXACTLY the same is what I feared and here is your reply:

Forget starting on January 1st! Just remind your brain that you could start on January 1st at day 1, or you could start at day 1 plus 20 (or however many days it is, lol). You're doing great and it's good that you're aware of the pitfalls. Just keep pressing on!

Nothing happened so far and don't enter negotiations with your brain about what a relapse really is and how you could start a clear new start. You can not change what happened, but you can change what is about to come and it is very likely your brain is going to pull the "What you did was a relapse already, so give yourself the pleasure of a real relapse and start a clean streak on january 1st!"

You have to shut down that voice and keep yourself away from your computer and phone while being alone for at least the next three days! Just do it, this is too dangerous to handle as you already negotiate about the definition of a relapse. You activated some old pathways of your brain to a minor degree, but that's nothing compared to what a complete relapse would do to you.

It's the idea of a perfect streak, of never looking at anything similar to porn again in our lives - but that won't happen. You made impressive progress, you are one of the very few who made it almost a year clean, I never managed that trying for six years now.

Your challenge now is to keep living a life without that toxic shit and there will be trouble at times, but it's not anymore about resetting streaks, this is your life and you wanted to quit because porn and its substitutes were doing severe damage to your life - so make sure you are doing everything you can to avoid that damage.

This may sound drastic, but I can spot that dangerous territory you are on and remember how I felt after throwing away my longest time without porn (despite it being only 1/3 of yours) - do whatever it takes to stay/get back on track, I know you can and will do it!

38
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 29, 2019, 02:27:25 PM »
Day 21

Today is the only day that matters, but 20 is still a good looking number.

Thanks a lot, Blue, 21 is looking even better and I am just about to complete the third week. It feels good and for now I don't face the expected trouble... I stay aware though and focus on the next day. If I really manage to make it through 2019 without relapsing that would be an incredible achievement as I always struggle during the end of the year...

Porn is not an option and I will keep advancing!

39
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 28, 2019, 01:38:51 PM »
Day 20

Thanks, Blue!

Here's to day 20!

Exactly, I almost completed day 20 and still feel very good. I don't really trust my own state of hapiness because I want to be prepared for a wave of depression kicking in towards the end of the month, but for now everything's going rather well. Cravings are there, but not as intense as 2-3 days ago.

I'm still in the middle of the most difficult weekend and still think day by day: I want to reach tomorrow without porn!

40
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 28, 2019, 01:31:38 PM »
This sounds like the setup to a relapse and you should be extremely careful now, you're still at the point to make a decision, but once you enter that videos of said thumbnails, the autopilot kicks in and everything might go downhill even after such a long time. It's the right decision to get your phone out of sight in the morning and as I said: Restrictions might be a useful support...

I hope everything's going well and you're making it through the wave to have easier days again!

41
Ages 20-29 / Re: Breaking the cycle of addiction for whole life
« on: December 27, 2019, 12:30:42 PM »
No shame, just get back on track right away - we're in this together!  :)

42
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 27, 2019, 12:22:46 PM »
Day 19

Thank you, Blue, today after almost 19 days without porn, porn subs or masturbation I actually realized the progress I made:

When I started this reboot there were 23 days of the month left and I made a plan of reading two books and listening to 23 new music albums (1 per day). Yesterday on day 18 I finished the third book and started the fourth (when going to bed I am now lighting a candle and reading until I fall asleep, can only suggest that habit). I already listened to all 23 new albums, discovered some great new music and started to make a new list for january. My daily workout routine at home is also complete until today and I returned to the gym to get back in shape. At work I interact with others much more confident again and already have a better stress management. Even the girl from the bar last saturday replied and we wrote some messages, although she doesn't seem to be really interested and honestly neither am I - but hey: I saw her, managed to interact, got her contact and she replied. That's a huge boost of confidence for myself.

Now that I allowed myself to be proud of the first steps it's time to get back to work: I know that after such a positive state of mind the rollercoaster usually goes down and I got caught off guard too often. It's very important for my recovery to take this even more serious than before: My nutrition was horrible during holidays and I will work on that aspect starting today. Restrictions on my computer remain the same, my cell phone stays out of my home and this weekend I will avoid alcohol, but instead go to the gym every day.

The porn free life doesn't await me after a certain number of days, I am already living it and despite cravings, mood swings and some heavy issues in my personal life it's so much better to be productive and look back proud at the achievements of the last weeks than return to the temporary high of porn and the following abyss of self-hatred and regret.

Next goal: Complete today without porn and follow my plans instead.

43
Ages 20-29 / Re: It's not impossible if others have done it
« on: December 27, 2019, 11:28:48 AM »
I never learn.

Don't beat yourself up for relapsing and falling back into the binge trap, it's not your fault and it's not about learning or wanting. This is a severe addiction and we're all here because we couldn't quit on our own. Focus on what led to the latest relapses and try changing behaviours and situations that are dangerous. Some positive changes might be helpful, as I start a new reboot I try to rearrange furniture, change things at home and do something new to give my brain the signal of a new start.

You keep writing here and desperately want to change, so there is a way out, just believe in yourself and your ability to overcome this addiction!

44
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 27, 2019, 11:19:17 AM »
Do you use any restrictions? Maybe it might help to block YouTube for a while, I am using LeechBlock for Firefox blocking specific pages and specific times - I could get around, but it's about not stumbling across unwanted things in first place... it just might be a little helper for the week to come...

45
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 26, 2019, 05:29:14 AM »
It's incredible how deep porn is carved into our brain and how and when it appears again trying to get us back to the old high. You are dealing just right with it by just accepting that this happens from time to time. I remember that I got desperate when after 2-3 months porn appeared in the back of my mind thinking "When will I be completely healed? When will these images be gone?", but that's not how it works, it's a task for life and one has to accept to put in work forever (though focus on it every day again).

I guess the idea of a life-long recovery that has to be taken one day at a time is the blueprint (pun intended) for successful healing!

46
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 26, 2019, 05:18:57 AM »
Day 18

Here's to day 18!

Thanks a lot for your ongoing support! :)

So far I did very well, way better than I thought. My next goal is to reach tomorrow without a relapse and then I will have to face the difficult weekend. So far it's better to just focus on today and not think about the next days.

You are right about me not starting at a complete ground zero, but after my latest series of porn-binges 18 days ago, I feel the same intense cravings as always when I go through this early stage of reboot.

47
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 25, 2019, 02:43:44 AM »
Day 17

You're absolutely right, Blue, if I think long-term I get overwhelmed by the feeling of "If I don't give in today, it will be worse and I will give in tomorrow!". It's just about today and today is porn free! It's also a reminder to myself to not take the longer streaks of more than a month for granted, because the third to fourth week really is hell. It just sucks to have to go through that again and I get triggered by everything!

48
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: December 24, 2019, 08:22:00 AM »
Day 16

Thanks a lot, Blue!

It's now day 16 without any porn, porn subs or M and I feel very strong cravings. I can make it today and reach tomorrow without relapsing, that's all that counts for now.

49
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: December 23, 2019, 03:20:24 PM »
The holidays are always dangerous, at least in my case I relapsed often due to free time and lack of clear daily schedule. On the other hand a time to rest is also important. As long as you identify dangerous situations early enough, you might relax a little from daily routines and enjoy doing nothing! :)

50
Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« on: December 23, 2019, 03:15:54 PM »
This is now a crucial point in recovery: Get back on the horse immediately and take all precautions necessary as your brain might be already triggered by fantasies and the cravings will become more intense. I suggest you avoid YouTube and mindless browsing completely to keep the danger away, just keep yourself busy with offline activities. You're doing great so far, don't risk losing that progress, but keep advancing! :)

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