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Messages - achilles heel

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1
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 16, 2019, 05:33:54 PM »
Thank you once again, guys!  :)

Day 12

I'm right back in the emotional rollercoaster of the first weeks of reboot and my life seems like a rollercoaster too. The good news is: I made a successful restart and it feels like a new life due to the changes I made at home (new furniture, clean up, buy new plants, rearrange old furniture), this really helps and I am confident to make it through the upcoming hard stage of reboot.

Last saturday I had sex twice with a girl I dated for a while at the beginning of this year, it definitely didn't feel as satisfying as during my longer streaks of abstinence and the second time I didn't get 100% hard. I cut back contact with her because of her drinking and cocaine habit and the danger for me to get pulled in again (we got drunk and high together often). This time I convinced her of cancelling the drug delivery and have a good time sober, but her habits are out of control and I need to keep more distance to save myself.

And ironically there is good news in terms of dating just now that I returned to the porn abyss: I got a girl's number at a bar (being completly drunk and high) three weeks ago and at first we didn't seem to have a good connection writing messages and we both had been really busy (as I was meeting the other girl again) until we finally met last week. I tried to avoid a dating situation, but we ended up at a bar sitting in front of each other and I felt the return of my social anxiety that had gotten so much better during my long abstinence.

I POINT THIS OUT TO MYSELF: The healing of social anxiety due to abstinence from porn is NOT placebo! I use to forget about this when my streaks advance, but after porn I have a hard time making eye contact and feel nervous and insecure.

My solution to this was to order drinks to relax a little and at some point I just went to the toilet because I really felt uncomfortable holding eye contact all the time - not because of her, she's really awesome and asked "You're not going to leave through the toilet window, are you?". I should have had a great time as she's good looking, funny and really self-confident, but instead I felt intimidated and worrying about not being good enough for her. Porn is not the source of every issue I have, but THIS is completely porn related! I really could beat myself up for throwing away my impressive streak last month.

However she really likes me and wanted to meet again. As I had already set up meeting the other girl last weekend, we agreed on meeting yesterday and she came to my place. To calm my nerves I planned on drinking with her, but as I offered her a drink she replied "No thanks, I do like you without being drunk." - I felt even more uncomfortable because I didn't know if it was a joke or a serious reference to my drinking behaviour. There was no choice but to stay sober and not use alcohol to escape. Later we cuddled, kissed and started undressing, but I felt too nervous and uncomfortable to keep going because she's incredibly hot and in the back of my head I thought about not being completely hard during the second round last saturday. She noticed that I didn't take off her underwear and asked if I didn't want to keep going. I told her straight forward that she was making me a little nervous, because I really like her a lot and that I'd prefer to keep things until that point for now. She was perfectly fine with that and told me today that she can't wait to meet me again and how she enjoyed being with me.

I remember how just a month ago I hit the 100 days clean, felt so much more self confident with much less social anxiety and now that I finally meet an amazing girl who likes me too I go through all this shit again. I am sick of that ever lasting vicious circle of falling into the porn abyss, experiencing social anxiety and as a result getting drunk or doing cocaine to socialize, then relapse on porn again due to the hangover and so on. My life is full of amazing opportunities and it's totally worth it to once again pull myself out of the abyss step by step, day by day.

2
Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« on: October 16, 2019, 01:01:44 PM »
You're so close to 3 weeks, hang in there and remember the effort you put in already! Use as many restrictions as possible to keep yourself away from danger and find emergency plans for heavy urges... gym is a really good idea and you will see results apart from the helpful distraction... all the best for you!  :)

3
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 16, 2019, 12:57:47 PM »
Looks like you're doing well overall and got over the minor cravings and "flashbacks" :)

Good to see how you're taking on things with the girl with patience, you're right about not needing to rush anything! Be careful about the social media accounts and "curiosity" though, you know what tricks our brain can play and are right about not trusting yourself (at least too soon).

4
Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:59:54 AM »
Great to read you've come that far already! Keep going and stay alert, to my experience heavy depression due to reboot passes after the first month and it becomes easier!  :)

5
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:42:35 AM »
Really great and helpful to see how after such a long time you're not just "cured" and stop caring, but still have to watch out and keep this a daily success. You're giving an example on how to take on this problem and I am learning a lot even from your quiet days. Sooner or later I always thought about going back to my "normal life", no matter how much I told myself to stay alert. Now your example shows how you managed this problem for over 200 days and despite a longer quiet time, there are still urges, there is still the danger of relapsing if not taking care of this process.

Just keep going as you always do! You can feel proud and happy about what you already reached now, this is a huge success and every situation of trouble you manage will help your brain to make the right decisions in the future!

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: October 13, 2019, 06:10:16 AM »
I hope you didn't give up - there is a way out and you can make it!  :)

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 10, 2019, 06:07:30 AM »
Day 5

Thank you very much, BlueHeronFan, putting things down in a more rational way helped a lot. I need to treat my addiction that way to find solutions - good thing is, I made a decent start of 5 days yet.

I am currently changing furniture and rearranging my flat to give myself the impression of a new beginning. This helped in the past to initiate major streaks. Cell phone stays out of my home, restrictions are activated, now it's time to keep working my way out of the abyss.

8
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 07, 2019, 05:10:04 PM »
Day 3

No, there is no update about 2 weeks complete. I relapsed on friday until saturday, but at least it was a wake-up call.

How did it start?

I wanted to go out with friends on friday and had my phone in my car. It was rather difficult to communicate because it was cold outside and I decided to make an exception and take my phone home. After all I decided not to leave, but to go to bed early.

Instead of taking my phone back outside, I didn't care - after ten days I should be on the safe side, because I learned my lesson, right?

Around midnight I looked up a movie, out of "curiosity" I opened the google images and clicked through pics of one of the actresses, then scrolled down the related pics until reaching bikini pics and clicked around a bit more. Through related pics I ended up at model pictures in bikini and at some point caught myself thinking "That's porn subs already, your streak is already broken, now it doesn't matter if you keep going!" - without searching explicitly for porn ("Hey, I am not searching for it!") I stumbled upon porn later and then thought: "Well, I already looked at porn, I have to start again anyway."

(Maybe a trigger warning is requiered from here on:)

Hours later I had watched all of my "favourite" categories and went down the abyss because my normal taste didn't turn me on anymore. I watched degrading point-of-view clips, fake rape videos and so on. I wrote a girl who's into sexting and did really unspeakable things on cam and when she went to sleep, I continued to watch more and more porn until I came basically by accident after a total time of 12 hours.

I know I shouldn't hate myself for this, but it's hard not to. It has been a very painful lesson, one I thought I already learned long ago: I can not handle my cell phone at home! Like, I am writing this at almost every page of this journal and still out of pure lazyness break this rule constantly to relapse again.

It's not that much of a sacrifice after all, but it saves me from the most painful, humilliating and damaging experiences of my life.

This is the last chance to turn my life around and I will not fail. This is a promise to myself: I will succeed. I am free and I will live my life the best I can.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 03, 2019, 03:25:28 PM »
Thank you very much, Blue and Lero!

@Lero: As I mentioned in your journal, we're in similar trouble concerning weekend excess and it's dangerous for the reboot. I definitely will keep working on this.

@BlueHeronFan: YouTube is safe if I use it for a certain purpose - I found the video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKn4IGY8OH8) and started watching, thank you! Hope to finish it this weekend!

For now I'm just here to announce I reached another checkpoint:

Day 10

The two-digit number. I'm keeping myself very busy, because the hardest stage is about to set in. Have been incredibly productive so far and my next partial goal is to complete two weeks which includes making it through the weekend. Still it's a big success already to get back on track after falling back into the porn abyss - step by step I will succeed. I hope to be able to give a major update this weekend when I completed a long to-do-list, I am doing very well so far and while busy I am less likely to relapse.

Keep advancing everybody!  :)

10
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: October 03, 2019, 12:15:58 PM »
Congratulations on going steady towards success!  :) I guess the quiet days are the reason why you are advancing so much, you're the opposite of what I mentioned on Lero's journal about Lero and me (and many others) permanently searching for another thrill, for something to happen. This is leading to stupid decisions and many times back to porn. You learned to be happy with the every day pleasure and will more likely find true happiness due to appreciating the "normal" high of life.

I'm looking forward to the next episode of you and the girl, the build up is great so far and hopes are high there will a happy end ;) Don't worry about your history as a porn addict, most girls assume every guy is watching porn and by telling them you quit this shit forever you won't have any negative feedback but full support!

Worrying too much is a key almost all of us here seem to have in common as I notice by your story and the reply of Quitforeverthenwin. I can relate to feel uncomfortable about things others barely notice and it's really hard to get over it. The perfectionst self-approach could be a key why we escape to addiction and feel the pressure to escape from a reality that isn't as unforgiving as we use to think.

Just stop worrying, you're awesome! :)

11
Ages 20-29 / Re: 27 And Done With Porn
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:53:39 AM »
Hope you're doing well and just took some time off the internet, Adventurer!  :)

12
Ages 20-29 / Re: The final countdown
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:52:14 AM »
We were in the same boat and roughly same number of days, I relapsed after 100 days, you advanced another week. I can totally relate to your situation now as it really sucks to get up after coming so far. But this long streak wasn't in vain, it showed us that we are capable of 100 days clean. And if we can make it 100 days, we can make it 200 or even a life long!

I really like Lero's definition: We're in search of the opposite of emptiness!

If you ever have any doubts, remind yourself that you reached a level of despair to search an online community of porn addicts to confess your addiction and search for help! We are here because this is destroying our lives and because we wish to get rid of this more than anything else, now what's the benefit? To reach what you most desired for years!

13
Ages 20-29 / Re: squid's journal
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:45:25 AM »
Congrats on being close to the magic 90 and on the big plans that will make your life more fullfilled without a doubt. Running a marathon is definitely a big challenge, but just think of how you advanced at video games and then imagine putting the same time into your fitness - you will reach your goals easily!  :)

14
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: October 03, 2019, 11:41:01 AM »
Congratulations on your first week, great to see you're back on track! Tomorrow will be the return to the two digit number and as you said about your "muscle", you are going in the right direction! :)

Another thing that I want to say: The city has "TRIGGERS" written in capital letters all over it. For a P addict, this is suffocating. Too much "softcore P" disguised as advertisements everywhere I fucking look. At the same time, girls look so uninteresting because they are not on a screen. Their skin looks so "weird", so unappealing. I feel no interest to engage with them. Ha! It makes me laugh like the Joker from the new movie. I am stimulated by advertisements but not by real girls. This is the true definition of P addict, man. Only 7 days won't turn things upside down but I'll get there.

I know and hate this feeling and I definitely had this changed during my longer streaks. When back in the porn trap it even turns me on more to receive nude pictures by a girl than actually be with her - this just feels wrong, it doesn't feel human!

I haven't drunk in a week and I don't plan to but I have moments when my mind wonders to "Man, let's have some fun!" I don't need any obstacles right now

Also congratulations on this, I can totally relate to what you wrote on my journal about the button to escape reality and make it easier to socialize. It's also a feeling of missing out something, of not being part of the newest drunk episodes with the "entourage". I think this restlessness ("Something needs to HAPPEN now") is a common thing most addicts share, but I haven't found any key to actually leave it behind.

I hope everything works out well with your new job and you keep advancing in days clean!

15
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 29, 2019, 05:39:13 AM »
Congratulations, Lero, now build up on this good start and complete the first week!  :)

16
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 29, 2019, 05:37:56 AM »
Thanks for your support, guys!

Day 6

The good news is: It's day 6 of hard mode and I am doing well. Had sex on friday and definitely feel a big difference on how it felt during my abstinence and now - less intense, didn't get 100% hard and it took longer to come. Porn is just setting me back in so many ways and I tend to forget during bigger streaks.

Bad news is my behaviour concerning alcohol and drugs, it has gotten out of control. I always wanted to keep this topic out of this community as it's about porn and not about other habits, but I definitely need to quit cocaine or I won't succeed in overcoming porn. And while I don't want to quit drinking completely, I need to cut it significantly. When really drunk and with the "wrong" people around me, I will do cocaine and once started I won't stop because coming down just sucks bad. The next day always feels like hell and I am more likely to return to porn to make me feel better. Actually porn and coke have a lot in common, both highs are just about searching for a bigger and bigger and bigger high and the same dose won't do after a while. There is no benefit to it, really none and I need to remind myself, that's why I write this down here. It's my easy way into socializing, because all anxiety is just gone for a short amount of time, but that's a cheap and fake way I chose for far too long (8 years) now.

It's enough, I love my life with all its ups and downs and will leave the road of addiction behind before it's too late.

17
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 25, 2019, 05:18:59 PM »
Hey, man, it's just awesome that you're back. Sorry you've hit a rough patch and that you have some literal and metaphorical cleaning up to do. But I'm rooting for you!

Thank you very much for your help once again, I managed to turn the switch. I started a new sheet on the computer with daily, weekly and long-term goals for the rest of the year. The main part of my tasks at home is done too, restrictions are activated. I had to really convince myself of a new start and now I feel like I've got the energy to go through the hard first weeks again. Although you're completely right:

You're exactly right to focus on just getting through Friday. Stick with the small milestones and the manageable goals. (But I also think you have it in you to get way beyond 100 days!)

First things first, next stop: Friday!

You didn't let anyone down. Everyone here is responsible for his own life and you don't need to feel guilty about anything. Everyone here knows exactly what you're going through because we've all been through this over and over again. This guilt is another trick your mind is playing.

I think it's a great decision to get rid of your phone and install porn blockers for now as it makes it easier. I believe all you need to do is to go through the next 7 days and you will be comfortable enough to resume your streak. The positive things the 100 days have done to you are still here. Don't let them go.

Thank you very much for your kind words, brandnewself! :)

I know you're right, but there is still this feeling of failing to finally be a good example and head towards the success stories to give hope to others on the one hand. On the other hand I didn't give any support on other journals in weeks and instead returned to my porn cave. Let's not call it "guilt", but responsibility or accountability. We're in this together and it definitely is easier to go through this with the help of others.

Day 2

So I just doubled the amount of abstinence since my latest entry ;)

Now that the dust (not only at my home) has settled, it's time to analyze where things went wrong. It all started with breaking my restrictions to stay in contact with the girl I was interested in and surely went downhill when I got rejected out of nowhere and binged on alcohol and drugs during the weekend. It has been a miracle I didn't relapse right away, but as I made it to 100 days despite all that apparently gave me a feeling of not needing any restrictions any longer and I relapsed the day after.

The last two weeks have been really, really hard because aside from some heavy personal issues within my family, the whole story about the girl who rejected me has a really fucked up plot-twist that left me shocked: I mentioned that I know the girl through a friend in common. Well, to be more specific our "friend" in common is female and I didn't really know her well, but through another friend (we met in a big group maybe twice before). Right after the girl rejected me by that text message out of nowhere, our common "friend" sent me a message like "Sorry to hear things didn't work out, still want to hang out this weekend?" and I met her without any intentions because I wasn't interested in her at all beyond friendship.

Turns out she is a complete psychopath and apparently was a driving force beyond that rejection (by telling that girl things about me) to spend time with me alone. I realized too late, tried to distance myself and, as she realized, received phone calls in the middle of the night, insulting messages and had to block her on every possible way of communication. This pretty much sums up my luck with girls lately and I guess it's a good idea to return to focus on myself and my development.

18
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 25, 2019, 04:25:58 PM »
Besides all that, today is Day 200. Next stop, 250 (and that feels like a really long way away, but I also feel like I can turn up the milestone difficulty a little at this point). We'll see, I might have to set an intermediate goal depending on how things go. But I'm feeling confident and hopeful, so no reason to hold back on the goal-setting.

Congratulations on that amazing milestone!

In terms of entering the "dating game" I think by what you describe (having a good time, laughing, you think there's more to it than just her politeness), you have lots of open doors to just develop this naturally as you are going to meet her again anyway due to school. If I understood it right your idea of "casual" is not to ask for a real date directly and I support that idea because a date also puts pressure on both and might end up awkward.

I suggest to go for interesting activities in your city like street (food) festivals, cultural/art expositions where you don't sit down face to face, but walk around and have some topics to talk about besides the dating situation of question and answer.

It's also an easier way to direct the conversation towards the topic of a specific event and - if she seems interested - ask her out starting like "This saturday I'm going to event X, want to join me?" - you are showing her that you are going anyway and she won't feel the pressure of a date. If you get along really well, it's a lot easier to develop some kind of dating situation out of the activity or - if you feel like it will take some time - keep it casual for a while.

19
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 25, 2019, 03:48:38 PM »
Day 0

Maybe I have a problem with partying, drinking and hanging out with the wrong entourage. Like a fucking movie. Hard drinking sessions deplete my dopamine and the next morning I feel low and crave dopamine like it's the fucking antidote.

I can relate a lot to this. First and second week without drinking are easy, but when time advances it feels hard to justify not drinking at least one beer with the friends because, well "You always did, what's wrong?". And after drinking the first, well, why not drink a second one? Then comes the third and control is lost already. Staying home or avoiding the "entourage" feels bad too.

The only thing that works for me is leaving the cell phone far away and make it impossible for me in the night/morning after to have it near me.

Day 1

Fucking day 1, man! How many times will I allow myself to write "day 1" here? I need to invest some urgency in this. No. 1 priority.

I wrote it yesterday and it sucks, but the important thing is to get up once more than falling down. We've got the unbreakable will to change things, beside setbacks and steps in the wrong direction. This whole journey makes us stronger, helps us growing as a person. You're not alone in this and there is hope, just get back on track!

20
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 24, 2019, 01:22:08 PM »
Thanks again, guys... feels kind of bad to admit, but I didn't really make it out of the porn trap... yesterday was my latest relapse and I realize I have to return to counting days:

Day 1

It's almost 24 hours since I relapsed for the last time. It wasn't my worst relapse of the last weeks, but I reached the point where porn doesn't turn me on anymore. I thought the same on sunday and relapsed yesterday because I took my phone home all of these days anyway and don't even make it one day clean by willpower.

It took some time to realize how it actually feels to be hooked on this shit, after 100 days it was all so much easier and I regret throwing this all away. This feels really demotivating to think I have to start again.

I just put on the restrictions for internet again and left my phone outside the house. Now it's time to literally clean up: I started washing clothes and dishes, I didn't pay my bills lately, two of my plants died because I forgot to water them, there is dust and dirt everywhere, just took the garbage out after a week.

This was a heavy setback and my first goal is to reach friday without another relapse. The first three days will be neccessary to get the things done I ran away from during the last weeks.

Back to counting days, back to my restrictions that helped me reach 100 days: This is the very beginning and the first 3 days will be a little milestone already - I have to put it in that perspective.

I hope to check on everyone's journals this weekend, sorry for letting you down for weeks now.

21
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 16, 2019, 12:19:19 PM »
Thank you very much, Lero and BlueHeronFan, your words mean a lot to me and help me now that I am facing sadness and regret. You show me I'm not alone in this and give me the strength to believe I might repeat and even surpass the latest success!  :)

I just got triggered by a lingerie ad appearing at a random news article and realize how far I had come. I didn't care about those ads anymore during my latest streak, but just now I had this tiny thought of "Hey, 4 days or 0 days isn't a big difference, go for it once again!" - this is not a conscious thought, but I'm definitely vulnerable to those triggers at this early stage and need to actively tell my brain "NO! STOP! MOVE ON!".

There is a tough road ahead once again, but I am willing to go this road again. It's the only choice I've got!

22
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:42:07 AM »
It's an especially great way to finish off a sort of challenging day: I had a vivid porn-related dream last night that got me started off on the wrong foot. I wouldn't call them urges exactly, but I have stopped myself a couple of times today sort of daydreaming about porn. It's like, "You know what would be nice/fun? To just unwind with some porn. Remember that? That was fun." And then I catch myself and try to think in other directions.

Luckily, the afternoon got much busier with school and stuff, so the worst of it was in the morning. I'm a little on edge now, though and worried about where it's all headed. I guess the shortest answer is that it will only go as far as I let it, so I just need to stay committed and stay strong. It has been a little while since I have had to go into "war mode" or whatever I should call it. Anyway, all a good reminder that urges and triggers can happen at any time. There's no magic length of time that gives us a free ticket out of trouble forever.

Sticking to it and pressing forward!

Good to see you are still aware and don't get desperate about porn appearing in your dreams after such a long time. This recovery is a life long task and you are showing how the daily work is still neccessary even after half a year without porn. Keep going and inspiring! :)

23
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:38:39 AM »
Day 1

I relapsed. I made a mistake.

What happened?

Whatever the mistake may have been: Don't make the same mistake I made and repeat the relapse over and over again. Get up right now and get back on track. Mistakes happen and they are not a complete setback unless you allow them to turn into days of binge.

A single relapse is no reason to panic, just make an emergency plan to avoid further damage. We're here to support you! :)

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 14, 2019, 04:41:05 AM »
Thank you very much for your support, guys, and sorry for letting everyone down. I went on a binge on porn and sexting for the following days and now managed to stay 2 days clean.

I fell for the "It's day 0 anyway, allow yourself the complete pleasure one last time and then start again!" trick, but the truth is, it all started way earlier.

I could have gone 200, 300, 500 days if I had just followed my restrictions. Instead it already set in when I allowed myself to use my cell phone at home - even though I only left it close to the entrance door - to communicate with the girl. I also kicked the restrictions of internet access at night, because it was annoying to not be able to look something up after a certain time.

When I realized I didn't relapse despite the lowered guards, subconsciously I thought I wouldn't need restrictions anymore. Got drunk and high on the weekend, took my cell phone home and watched YouTube in bed - without relapsing. And, hey, I returned to my old habits but without watching porn, everything okay, right? Of course not.

100 days hard mode showed me two things: First of all, I am able to live a free life if I stick to my restrictions, rules and good habits. And second I NEED to stick to those restrictions and build new habits to live a free life.

The key is the daily success, but also setting some goals for the next weeks while problaby making it through withdrawals, depression and the shit I said I never wanted to go through again. I will stick to some rules and goals:

- my cell phone stays out of my home
- maximum of 10 minutes of social media every week
- I won't access the internet after 22:30 (exception: Rebootnation)
- I won't go to bed after midnight if I work next day

- no alcohol (at least for the first weeks), no drugs
- no fast food, no refined sugar
- eat at least one piece of fruits/vegetables every day
- do sports every day (at least a 15 minute home workout)
- read at least 10 pages of a book every day

This is rather simple, but it's about getting back on track. I won't count days, because it will be frustrating to start this low again after reaching 100 days. Also I think now it's not about a streak anymore, I had the key in my hands to leave this behind forever and my new goal is living every day free and enjoying this life to the maximum, no matter if it's "day 2" or "day 200".

25
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 09, 2019, 12:25:15 AM »
Thanks for your support, guys, but unfortunately I failed!

Day 0

I just MO'd on sexting for hours, exchanging fantasies with a girl I hadn't seen in a long time. Facebook wasn't blocked anymore, now it's up to me to show not everything is lost. I will pick myself back up and be a part of this community again. It's important to not let this repeat and find strategies right away. More later.

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