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Messages - Midnight Rider

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: April 16, 2016, 05:41:52 AM »
The last 6 weeks have been hard. My alcohol relapse and all the stress caused by my ex-girlfriend making trouble badly affected me. I simply wasn't able to fight against that and against porn at the same time. But I now feel ready to fight porn again. And also to get back on the forum !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: March 20, 2016, 09:12:25 PM »
Second post today. I post because it's hard tonight, so excuse me if I just talk about the little things of my life ; I'm just throwing down things right now to keep my hands and my mind busy.

My ex-girlfriend is making trouble concerning Easter vacations -- as she does at each vacations... Even if I know I'm right, I feel very stressed, as she tries to involve police and child protection services each time, so I just want to drink and PMO. It's awful how invading those fights can be. If only I could let go... (let it go, let it gooooo... aaaah! get out of my head! that's really invading too! lol). But the fact is, I can't let go. Or at least, I don't want to, because I know my ex-girlfriend is trying everything to avoid me and my family to see my daughter. And there's no way I want to let my daughter go away. So I choose to fight, no matter what. And so far, I've been successful as I got the share custody. And I already know I will have to fight for the next two decades. (3 sentences beginning with the word "and" ; my English teachers wouldn't be proud of me!)

I recently learned how "special" my ex-girlfriend is. Indeed, her family took contact with me at social event 3 weeks ago. I then learned that they saw my daughter only once in two years -- for those who saw her. Even the great grandmother only saw her only once (twice with the day following her birth). They say there's just my ex-girlfriend and her parents seeing her. So I offered them to meet at a restaurant so they can know her. (To give you an idea, my family and my friends live 900 km away and they saw my daughter more often than my ex-girlfriend family who lives in a 10 minutes radius.)

The restaurant meeting was this morning. It was weird to meet her family again. But it was weirder to see my daughter reaction when she saw her great aunt. Her great aunt looks the same as her grand-mother (they are sisters) and my daughter never wanted to look at her in the first hour. She kept looking at me for over a full hour, without even drinking her juice or eating her pancake with maple syrup. She neither wanted to look at her great grand-mother. I never saw her like that before. I don't know what it means, or even if it means anything at all, but it shook me. Clearly, they were strangers to her. Finally, she began to interact with the others when they gave her a chocolate (so bad for the Lent!), but otherwise, I doubt she would have (never underestimate the power of chocolate!).

I will stop here for now. It's good, the tension lowered since I opened reboot nation page and began to write. It's not a so long text, but it takes me some times as I have to concentrate to write in English.

Also, thanks again New Day for the song. I listened to it a couple of times while writing this post. But now I feel relax, so I want to listen Blue Skies.

I'll finish with that : for those how wonder why Blue Skies... Well, I told you I had to fight for my daughter. Almost a year ago, I was in Court asking for share custody ; my ex-girlfriend asking just to let me see her a few hours a week. It took us half a day of hearing. Just before lunch break, the judge turned to my ex-girlfriend side and said that he was seeing in front of him two excellent parents, that he was thinking to allow the share custody and that we should meet during the break to negotiate the terms. I knew then it was all over, that I had won the share custody. When I came back home briefly for lunch, I put Blue Skies my Willie Nelson out loud on my computer and listened to on repeat while crying of joy and or relief. I can't recall why I put this song as it didn't mean anything to me before. I just remember that I discovered it a few days before in Star Trek Next Generations movies. But now, this song means everything to me!

Willie Nelson -- Blue Skies, with lyrics :

Good night folks (unless I have another surge tonight!)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: March 20, 2016, 07:22:01 AM »
Hi guys, thank you for support.

Last 3 weeks were not very good for me. I struggled against alcohol after my relapse at the beginning of the month, and I just found myself unable to fight against porn at the same time. Bottom line, last 3 weeks were a major relapse. And were dark times... far away from Willie Nelson "Blue Skies" I like to listen at.

Make me think, thanks New Day for the song. I just listen to it, I like it. We indeed have the power to reach our goals if we dedicate ourselves to it.

I would got much more to say this morning, but I will stop here to listen Care Bears with my daughter and play outside in the snow (we still got lots of snow up North !).

Thanks again for support guys. I'm getting back on track.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: March 03, 2016, 02:46:39 AM »
That's enough tabarnak. Just relapsed. Asti de porn de marde. ARRRRRRG. I don't know if I'm more angry at myself or at porn itself. Anyway, damn porn. Gonna go cry in my bed.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: March 01, 2016, 07:38:29 AM »
I relapsed this week-end. I had a sport tournament. We won, so we went on party, I got drunk, and I relapsed.

I must say that my motivation this morning is low. It's gonna be a long day...

Ages 30-39 / Re: Keiffers Journal
« on: February 28, 2016, 07:44:34 AM »
Hello Keiffer.

Grats for your 6 days without PMO. And also grats for your 2 months with very little P.

It's a nice journal you're keeping here. You seem to have a good match plan to fight this addiction. I also note that you fought another big addiction before, and won! I'm sure you can win this fight to.

Keep strong !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 27, 2016, 10:56:47 PM »
Day 1

I'm back on track. That damn P I looked yesterday is still playing in my mind. So I avoid being home alone and stayed at the sport club with some friends. Tomorrow should be the same.

Today I feel :
-  Good, to be back on track ;
-  Good, by the sport and by spending time with friends instead of alone in front of my computer ;
-  Horny ;
-  I feel like a hunter with radar eyes when I see women around me. I hate that...

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 27, 2016, 12:37:15 AM »
Day 11 
Day 0

Thanks Tzimisce for the encouragement.

I had a relapse today. I went to bed late last night, and I was tired this morning (wasn't I talking about that yesterday ?!?). So I began by looking P-sub instead of working, and I ended up binging on P for about 4 hours. I'm angry at myself about that. But I'm also happy, because I don't know how, but I managed not to M. Somewhere inside me, I know that it would get worse if I M.

So today, I feel :
-  Angry at myself. But not as much as before. I mean, it's done, now let's move over it. But I'm frustrated anyway.
-  Horny, because of all that P. Next days might be hard.
-  Proud not to have M despite the situation.
-  Angry about porn. >:( I definitely want that stupid thing to get out of my life and of my head.
-  Relieve. To write all this down. It's waaaayyyy harder to write about relapses than good days. But it helps moving over it.

I will reset my counter tomorrow :( . I thought of what to do about it considering that I didn't M. But I must be true to myself. So let's start a new streak.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 25, 2016, 10:34:49 PM »
Day 10

Today I had a meeting with my therapist, as each Thursday. I was proud to show her my calendar full of abstinence stickers. So today, I feel good. But I realize another thing. Changing some bad habits helps me. Namely, getting into bed at a decent time. So I also but stickers on my calendar when I go to bed before 10:00pm.

It brings me to a post of Lyon3 (Topic : update at 483 days - reply #595) sharing a short but very instructive video. It explains that breaking an addiction is not just a matter of abstinence, but a matter of changing your environment. There's no trigger in the video.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot journey (no more monkey spanking)
« on: February 25, 2016, 09:58:48 PM »
Bonjour New Day.

I don't pretend to be an expert on the subject, but here's my understanding. Some guys do continue to M without P, and others don't. You're the one who choose how you manage your counter and when to reset it. You can even have two counters, for example, one for M only, the other for PMO.

Personally, I choose not to M at all for two reasons. First, my brain replay P images in my mind when I do so. Second, there's a chaser effect that make the following days more difficult.

At my first attempts last Fall, I did M without P, because I wanted to know how it would respond and if I was in a flatline. It simply made me relapse. So now I go the hard way.

Can you recall what made you relapse after your 35 days streak without PMO ? Maybe you can find an answer there...

Hope this helps.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My Journal
« on: February 25, 2016, 09:46:17 PM »
Good call Tzimisce. You must indeed keep the focus on yourself and on your long term goals. And as Arahant said, if she loves you, she will understand.

By the way, I'm glad to see that you bounced back after your relapse. It shows your strength. Keep on !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Want to be a better man
« on: February 25, 2016, 05:29:51 PM »
Hey Phil. I also had terrible times working. Or I should say, trying to work. But I'm on Day 10 and I already feel better and regaining productivity and concentration. We all progress at different rates, but keep on, you will see improvements. It's just a matter of time !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 24, 2016, 08:38:45 PM »
Day 9

Another day closer from my longest straight without PMO (11 days). Today was not to bad, but I surprised my hand touching and rubbing my penis a couple of times while working. I will have to watch out, I do it without even thinking. Nevertheless, I didn't have to struggle too much.

Tonight is a bit harder, as I just came back from the local swimming pool. I sometimes had to fight not to be lurking at women there. I hate that, I feel like a predator.

Today I feel :
-  sick and tired ;
-  horny. I'm gonna leave my computer right away and go read a book, otherwise I fear of what might happen.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 24, 2016, 12:19:44 AM »
Day 8

Another day without PMO ! Today was easier than previous one, as woke up with a cold. My body just want to sleep, it doesn't seem to care about anything else. But if I remember well, a cold never stopped me from PMO before.

I guess something really changed. To write my story in this forum sure helps. So many times I felt dumb and guilty after PMO, now I can feel proud day after day to post my success. I can now express all my feelings knowing that we're a whole bunch of guys and girls living similar problems, sharing the same fight, and not judging each others. I don't know for you guys, but I really like to read other users posts and see their progress. It makes me happy and motivates me.

Today, I feel :
-  good ! sick, but good ;
-  free (even if I know my fight is far from being over).

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 22, 2016, 08:48:45 PM »
Day 7

Today I was tired. My daughter woke me up a few times during the night. I felt the afternoon was going to be hard. It's always like that when I'm tired. I try to work, but I can't concentrate, so anxiety kick in, and then the old reflex to watch P. But it's not good, since my PMO sessions are always followed by procrastination, guilt, more anxiety, and so more P.

So I chosen to take a walk in the woods. That 2 hours walk in snowshoes in deep fresh snow really helped.

For too many weeks, I was telling myself that I should make more sports, go outside like I used to do a few years ago, take a walk when I have an urge, etc. And I was never going out. Then last week, I gave up that idea and decided to try something else (listening to music out loud). And since then, it's weird, it's easier for me to go outside and make sport. Like if there's no more pressure on me. Like if it changed from a burden to a pleasure. I realize I really put too much pressure on myself. Damn pride !

So now, I feel :
-  exhausted ;
-  relieved ;
-  proud  :D ;
-  hungry !!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot journey (no more monkey spanking)
« on: February 21, 2016, 09:49:26 AM »
Bonjour New Day.

Welcome back on the forum and grats for your 5 days straight. I also have some moments harder than others. They are usually related to stress, fatigue or boredom. Also a huge cheer for your improvement of your sessions length.

I like what you did a few months ago on your first post when you enumerate the way you felt that day. I believe it's a good way to realize how we feel and then to fight it. I think I'm gonna try it.

I had many relapsed because I began to watch P "just to see what's new", even if I sometimes managed not to MO. I now believe it's easier for me to simply avoid P and P-sub.

Keep on, warrior !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Want to be a better man
« on: February 21, 2016, 08:00:01 AM »
I do wish you luck ! I'm glad you moved on to keep fighting.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 21, 2016, 07:53:44 AM »
Day 6
Thanks akpal2. Last night was hard. I had a sudden urge before going to bed, but I managed to close my computer and to open a book. But during the night, oof!, I think I woke up at least ten times with my hand at the right place and with sexual dreams. But I passed through.

Hey! Just got myself the privilege to put a Easter chick on my calendar. Yeehaw !

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 20, 2016, 04:22:22 PM »
Day 5

I survived to my black Friday. I didn't worked a single minute, but I achieved my goal : no PMO. I guess it's a long term investment ! So I sticked on my calendar a pink bunny carrying a yellow egg (and my daughter put herself two stickers for peeing twice in the toilet). Yay !

I relapsed a few times on the 4th day and my last 4 days straight without PMO was in December. It feels great to see that number 5.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Want to be a better man
« on: February 20, 2016, 03:54:30 PM »
Salut Phil.

I guess we all feel dumb when we binge on something we know we shouldn't. Must be part of the sickness. But the way you talk about it, I can feel that you have pride. I think it's that pride that make us feel dumb, guilty and depressed when we relapse. But it's also that pride that helps us fight to achieve our goals.

I learned in the last weeks not to blame myself too much after a relapse. I take note of my relapse, I seek if there's a reason for it (often nothing specific), I take note of the blame I put on myself, and then I move on. It's like missing a shot in a sport. You must forget it right away and think at the next one, as the next one is always the most important one.

I also keep track of my progress on a calendar for now 16 weeks. I hate to inscribe my relapses, but the good thing is that I can see all the progress I made since the beginning.

Hope this helps you  :-)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 19, 2016, 09:18:54 PM »
Just wondering... Two weeks ago, I started to put stickers on a calendar the days I do not PMO. I know it sounds stupid, but it helps me...

Am I the only one using such child tricks ?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 19, 2016, 09:11:45 PM »
Ouf ! I passed through the day. It's easier tonight. Should not be too bad this week-end because I have my child with me. It's always easier when she's there. She really is a strong motivation for me.

Philgood63, you're totally right! I really realize it a month ago when I passed a complete week-end of perfect weather with my daughter without doing anything because I PMO and procrastinate late on Friday and Saturday nights (and I said it's easier when she's with me... I will have to pay attention...).

Philgood63, right now in Québec province, there's nothing about porn addiction. No forum or website. There's a short topic on some sites, but nothing serious. They usually refer to sexologists. I did found a forum in France, but it's not half as good as this one.

My doctor and my therapist at the dependance center also suggest me to see a sexologist. But thanks to english sites and books as YBON, I knew that my problem was an addiction one, not a definition of what kind of sexuality I like. My therapist now understands me. She tells me that what I live is really similar to cocaine addiction.

This addiction really just begin to be of public awareness in France and in Québec. Is it taboo, or is it simply under the radar ? Maybe we need a rock star to make his coming out live on tv.

Thanks for your support Tzimisce, and good luck for tonight.

Bed time if I want to do things with my daughter tomorrow. I realize it's also easier to resist PMO when I'm fully rest. Bonne nuit !

Ages 30-39 / Re: My Journal
« on: February 19, 2016, 03:05:33 PM »
Bonjour Tzimisce. Personally, I would avoid real sex or masturbation at our stage. It may be just me, but I can easily replay porn images in my head while having real sex or MO. So I guess the impact is the same as PMO. I also fear the chaser effect that could come the following days.

Keep strong, no matter what you choose to do.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Want to be a better man
« on: February 19, 2016, 11:07:39 AM »
Hello Phil.

A kid and a wife are two really good reasons to quit porn. It might not be the same for everyone, but personnaly, I couldn't stop quitting porn without stopping alcohol. Alcohol depressed me and was putting away most of my motivation.

You want to be a good father. Fight for it! It is so great to be a father, it's worth fighting for.

Ages 30-39 / Le Québécois - A nordic fight
« on: February 19, 2016, 10:40:58 AM »
Bonjour chers lecteurs ! Hello dear readers !

I'm now on day 4, and damned! that's hard. So I write down my own topic in order to keep myself busy, because PMO is fully filling my mind this morning. I feel like quitting smoking. No way I can concentrate on my files this morning !

French is my first language and English is my second one, so please be indulgent with my writting errors. I know I could have write on a French forum, but I feel more confortable here for personal and cultural reasons. I will write in English because it is an English forum so that everyone can understand, but feel free to post or message me in French if you want to practice your French !

I began with porn long ago (I'd say 20 years), while being a teenager. I'm now 33 years old. I was looking in secret at my father magazines and late night erotic tv shows. But everything went out of control when I got high speed internet. That's when I began a daily consumption that never stopped since.

15 years and a few girlfriends has passed. Looking back, I realise that porn always had impacts on all aspects of my life. After the first weeks with a new girlfriend, I used to jerked off all my libido on porn, so I had nothing left for my partner. I still wanted them, but how could they beat all that crazy images you see in videos ? At last, I was almost not touching them. I also sometimes had erectile dysfonction (ED), creating a fear of not getting or keeping erections.

It also had impacts on my social, educational and professionnal life since I often use to stay up late in front of my computer instead of going to bed. So I used to wake up late and tired, to skip classes, to sleep in class, to miss meetings, to miss partys, to lack concentration at work, and so on. And four years ago, I move my lawyer office in my house. I then started to watch porn at job when my secretary wasn't there. It's useless to say that my productivity (and my finances) quickly went down.

I knew for many years that I had a problem with masturbation, without knowing it was related with porn. I talked about it to my ex-girlfriend five years ago. She did understand and tried to help me. But when I first relapsed, she feeled cheated and we got a fight. After that, I simply lose motivation and fell back in my secret life... We're now separated with a 2 years old little girl in shared custody.

Last fall (2015), I began a consultation at my local dependance center to help me with an alcool problem. It quickly was resolve, so I choose to move on with porn. OUCH ! that's way harder ! The dependance center personal wasn't even aware of porn dependance, but they accepted to continue to help me anyway. I feel they begin to learn fast about it even if there's not much french litterature on the topic.

It's now my 16th week of struggling against porn, masturbation and orgasms (PMO). I had an 11 days without PMO, a relapse, and another 12 days. Since then, I use to relapse after 2 or 3 days when my libido get too high.

I woke up Tuesday. Angry and motivated. That's enough. I'm tired of all this, I want to pass on something else. I want to be able to fully enjoy my life and my little girl. I fought so hard to get that shared custody, I'm not gonna throw it away for a stupid addiction. This is crossroad. Fight it or submit... LET'S FIGHT, once and for all !

I'm still on that fourth day. Damned! it's gonna be a long one! I think I will get a snowshoes walk in the forest and eat a poutine this afternoon.

Keep on riding folks

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