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Topics - Emerald Blue

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Reclaiming our sexuality
« on: July 11, 2016, 08:40:00 PM »
IMPORTANT: this topic is for partners of PA to share how their SO's porn addiction has affected their sexuality, and how it has been changed as a consequence. I would like to politely request that male porn addicts/users hold back on posting on this thread until we have several contributions by female partners. We welcome the perspective of men who have struggled with PA but please respect our need to be able to express ourselves freely and support each other on the partners' section of this forum.

My experience
Since facing my partner's porn addiction and his quitting porn after many, many years of habitual porn use, I have had to rediscover and redefine my own sexuality. Previously I enjoyed sex with my partner and we had no sexual difficulties until he started using porn habitually. I have never been especially interested in porn. Why would I? I enjoyed the real thing. I never wore porn clothes or played dress up games. Again, why would I? I never questioned my desirability and my preference was for the purity of the naked body. Of course it helps when you're both young and beautiful and in great shape. To be honest, I thought I was above all that porn shit, I thought I was too smart and too intelligent for it. I thought he was too. I always saw porn as something that teenage boys looked at, or dirty old men or loners. So much for the arrogance of youth. I had no idea that my partner would turn out to be a porn addict. I never thought he'd give up on having sexual relationship with me to sit in front of a screen wanking off to porn videos.

We both grew older. That's kinda hard to avoid if you're alive on this earth. No one is immune from that. Even so, we're still both good looking people and we're both still in good shape. Obviously I thought I was losing my appeal in the early days of the internet when he started logging onto the porn sites almost immediately and that was it. You'll all know what this feels like, feeling undesirable, less attractive, too old, the "wrong" shape/size. It really dents your sexual confidence. Sex was less and less frequent. He never seemed to want it although we rarely had sex. Of course I knew he was using porn but when you try to say you don't want porn intruding on your relationship and whatever you say makes no difference, it reinforces that feeling of being unwanted and undesirable. And once erectile dysfunction happens—I felt as if the message was loud and clear. Whatever sexual feelings he once had we're long gone. It took several years to get to that stage and several more years of no sex whatsoever - for me anyway, I don't even want to think about what he might have done. With my self esteem eroding away to nothing and the distance between us growing I had to call time on his porn habit.

OK, I know about porn addiction now. I don't want to talk about that on this thread because we all know what it is and the processes in the brain, etc etc. As partners WE HAVE OUR OWN PROBLEMS to deal with. So I don't want to get sidetracked by the addiction process.

What happened to me over the years? I developed a very negative self image. I lost all sexual confidence. I lost my sex drive completely. I masturbated very rarely. I once relied on the memories of our own sex life and fantasies of what it could be like, but without that relationship there could be no fantasy because the source of my fantasy became a reminder of sadness and loss. So I shut it all out of my mind. I had no interest in sex at all. I had switched off from sex completely. I would never have thought that was possible but it happened.

It's been really difficult to overcome all the emotional upsets that surface as we have tried to reestablish our sex life. It's hard to be vulnerable when you've been hurt. It's difficult to feel desire again when all thought of sex became associated with sadness. It's difficult to be touched when you believe he's imagining what he saw in porn. It was even difficult to be naked again when you believe your body was rejected. This was how it was for me. And that's not even touching on the lies and deception and the loss of trust which creates so much emotional stress in the relationship.

I also had to come to terms with his inability to resist sexualised imagery and even the way he would objectify attractive women on TV. I never had issues before. I could easily ignore some celebrity in the newspaper spilling out of her dress, but his eyes would automatically lock on. It ruined my ability to sit down and enjoy a movie, for example. I was never prudish about nudity or attractive women. I studied visual arts and fashion. Now I feel that I have to be so careful about the books or magazines that I buy because books featuring fashion and art photography can include some "risqué" photographs which I never considered particularly sexual before. I also watch documentaries on subjects I am interested in on my own because there may be some "sexy" imagery. Not porn, nothing remotely like it, and not because it's a potential trigger for him but because his PA has actually made me change my behaviour and because it has tarnished my enjoyment in subjects I was interested in before. Only this evening I was on Amazon considering buying a book by a particular designer but decided not to because his porn addiction has made me censor my own viewing material.

Even when I'm buying lingerie. OK I never wore porn costume because I thought it was sexless and artless, but at the same time certain types of lingerie and hosiery are associated with porn. Now I make a conscious effort to be "not like porn" yet at the same time allowing myself to express my femininity, regardless of whether he sees or not.

There is more to write about but I have to stop for now. I want to add to this post later. I just want to get the ball rolling on how we reclaim our sexuality. One thing I know for sure is that we do not have to be given "permission" to acknowledge and experience our sexuality, which porn addiction denied us.

This is a question for the wives/girlfriends of men whose habitual porn use has created problems in committed relationships/marriages, whether your partner has quit or is still using porn.

How did you meet your own needs for emotional and physical intimacy? How did you cope with the very private feelings of sexual rejection? How did you protect your self esteem? What did you do to compensate for what was lacking or had been lost in your relationship? How did you feel on the occasions that you knew he was using porn with you in the house?

In other words, how did you (or do you) cope and preserve your sanity?

Can I ask for the recovering addicts hold back until we've had a few posts from the female partners? As much as I believe that the solution is best found by both "sides" working together, I just want the ladies to be able to express their own experiences honestly and freely before we respond to the male perspective.

When I look back at my state of mind around the time when the porn issue exploded, I can't believe how shattered my morale was. I had no sense of self worth whatsoever. I was in a marriage where there had been no sexual relationship for several years. felt that I had struggled to compete with his porn habit and lost. Our sexual relationship  was extinguished by his apparent lack of desire. I grew disheartened by being turned down too often and towards the end he was losing his erection, couldn't finish, etc. It destroyed what remained of my desire. I had already been beaten down by his porn use for the previous 9 or 10 years and when it seemed that he could no longer force himself to have sex with me, something died inside me. And what did I do about it? Nothing. I just accepted it. And now? I'm mad as hell that I was prepared to accept my status as a leper, like some sort of untouchable that was banished from my own marriage by all the shit he brought in to our home and into our lives.

I'm having some real problems understanding why I felt as I did and why I believed that I was this deeply unattractive, undesirable woman who didn't deserve to be wanted or touched or even seen. How low was my self esteem that I ended up feeling that way? I'm actually shocked! Shocked at myself and the crazy things I was thinking.

I was and still am a good looking woman. I might be older now, but none of us is exempt from growing older, but even so, I look considerably younger than my real age and I'm still in good shape. I may no longer have a youthful kind of beauty, but I still look very striking. So why did I believe that I was ugly and misshapen? I'm not. I felt that way because the man I made a lifelong commitment to, the man who said he loved me, would far rather masturbate compulsively to thousands of images of naked women. He would rather go to a bar to watch some tawdry strippers flaunting their genitalia to a roomful of strangers than come home and see something better. He would rather watch fake sex on a laptop screen performed by Barbie doll robots doing it for the money than have the real thing with a willing, sexy, orgasmic partner who loved him. WTF is that all about? He behaved like an idiot. What was I to him? Was I last year's hot video that didn't do it for him any more? That's no way to treat someone you love. But even worse, I accepted being treated like that because I loved him and I felt that he had to have what he needed to be happy. But what about how I felt? I never thought about how I felt because I didn't think my feelings mattered! Big mistake!

So there I was in pieces, believing my breasts were too small and face was showing signs of ageing, and my legs were too thin, and this was too that, and that was too this... And now I'm yelling at myself, "WTF was I thinking???!!!" There was no way I should have been thinking like that. It was a symptom of my mental distress. I was thinking irrationally. But it in the context of being the wife of a man who had been addicted to porn for 15 years, a man who wouldn't look at me, wouldn't touch me, it made perfect sense. That's how warped my thinking had become.

In any case, a lifelong commitment should transcend things like looks and youthful attraction. A marriage can't depend on looks and eternal youth. But porn eats away at the most important building blocks in a relationship, like respect and trust for a start. He didn't respect my feelings about his porn use over the years anyway, and I didn't even take heed. I didn't care about myself enough. I carried on believing I had to suck it up. I just carried on suffering in silence because somehow I believed that I was no longer good enough for him and porn was the price I had to pay for his "happiness".

Right now I'm having a bit of trouble with how irrational my thinking became over the years, and how my self esteem was so far below zero I'd lost sight of who I was. I'm angry at how I allowed myself to be duped and disregarded. I refuse to see myself as less than. Somehow the old me will come back and merge with everything that I've learned over the past several months and a new me will emerge. I've had to go through some very ugly shit and I'm sure there's more to come, as getting through this is forever a work in progress. My feelings are strong and often confusing, but there's no way that I can go back to being that broken little creature.

Please add your own experiences here – about how you ended up feeling about yourself when you were having to deal with your partner's PA, or it's still going on. It seems a universal experience that partners go through devastation and despair, and it sometimes seems impossible to recover our old selves again. Are we ever the same again? Somehow I don't think we can be.

A question for male addicts who are in a long term relationship –

You know your addiction has hurt your partner and damaged your relationship. Some of you may feel  your behavior has been at odds with your beliefs, whether spiritual, moral, political or personal. Some of you may even have been aware of betraying your partner, or at least lying outright to your partner, by acting out in various ways, either through the type of porn you sought out or taking your interests further than "just" porn.

How does it feel to live with the moral or personal dilemma of having a "secret" porn addiction and having fantasies that are at odds with your beliefs perhaps, and then switching back to your role as loving husband and "good guy" in the rest of your life. Do you feel like a hypocrite? Do you feel you are at some level a flawed individual? Do you feel you have a "dirty little secret" which you don't want anyone to know? Do you feel that there is a stigma associated with porn addiction that makes you feel ashamed?

I'd like to know how this feels and how this either perpetuates your porn habit or makes you less likely to ask for help. More importantly, does it make you feel that you have to hold back from being honest with your partner because you feel they would be offended or upset if you were to be upfront about your behavior?

For me, the thought of my husband sitting at a screen and masturbating to porn put me off wanting to have sex. Knowing he was regularly using porn destroyed the feelings of intimacy. Wondering if he was playing a porn movie in his head when he was with me put me off sex. His lack of interest in having sex with me put me off having sex with him. His loss of arousal during sex put me off having sex with him. Walking in the room and finding him wanking off to porn put me off having sex with him. Dirty tissues next to his computer put me off having sex with him. So yes, his porn habit turned me right off. How was it for you?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Depression
« on: March 02, 2016, 07:29:51 AM »
I feel I have to say this. Because of all the porn crap and the aftermath of blowing the lid off the problem in my relationship I've hit the wall. I'm clinically depressed from trying to deal with it. It's such a huge problem, or rather, the problems that a porn addiction can mask can be huge. It's made worse by having a partner who lied every which way about his habit, and then got angry with me for discovering what I did, for asking questions, for being upset by his lying, for talking about it in the first place. His porn habit annihilated my self esteem and sense of self worth. As much as I try to build it up, my self confidence is so fragile and easily broken. I have lost my identity as a woman. I don't even feel like a real woman any more. Something had to give and not unsurprisingly it's my mental health. It's depression and it's an illness. I need to follow my own advice and look after ME. Please look after your own emotional health as best you can because you need to be so strong to deal with this shit.

Just opening up a new discussion on whether or not porn represents an infidelity. Or is it a betrayal of another kind? I'm sure we all have our own perspectives on this issue. There is no right or wrong way to view it, and if you are like me you may find yourself having feelings that contrast very strongly with any sort of logic. If there is no emotional or physical relationship with another person, why do we feel as we do? Obviously these feelings go way beyond the activity itself and seep into the rest of the relationship. I'd just like to know whether some view it as an infidelity (or not), whether some people used to see it as an infidelity but no longer see it that way (and why), or whether some people have never seen it as infidelity but as something else entirely. I need time to think this one over before I reply, but feel free to explore your own views and feelings on this thread, please.

To any porn addict men reading this, I'd love to hear your views on this too. It would be very interesting to hear the other side on this on as it can be an area where partners get "stuck" in their own recovery. But could I politely request that the menfolk hold fire until maybe 3 or 4 ladies have shared their experiences? Thanks.  :)

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Will I ever feel better
« on: February 17, 2016, 07:57:43 AM »
Sometimes I just want the hurt to stop. It never does. I hate porn with a vengeance. I hate how it has damaged my relationship. I know that I can never again experience the beauty the lovemaking we used to share. The toxic effects of his porn use have undermined the very core of what our relationship was built upon. He was the one who did it. He chose porn over me. Nothing I said or did made a difference. He left me with no alternative other than to suffer in silence for 15 years until I was a suicidal wreck.

How did I get to be like that? How did I allow it to happen? Why did I believe that I had no choice? I'm still suffering the after effects, the years of neglect, of never being touched, the lies, the deception. I'm left with the hard work of rebuilding my self worth and doing a better job of taking care of me.

Some days it can be such a struggle just trying to feel OK about being myself. I can look in the mirror and say "You're looking good today" and I can wear nice things. But then I think of all that porn shit, and how he disrespected my body and showed no interest in me. And then I feel like shit.

I can remember specific occasions when I was rejected. I can remember donating a beautiful satin nightgown to goodwill because it brought back painful memories of the naive occasion when I planned that a sexy, romantic evening, only for him to behave in a way that was almost hostile. His words killed my spirit that night.

Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes I think he never did. He dragged me through so much shit and I just took it. I started believing I was too old or too ugly, that I was undesirable. Not just as feelings but as irrefutable facts. From someone who had complete confidence in her attractiveness and body shape to someone who couldn't bear to look in the mirror. He chose porn and that's what it did to me.

I'm through with all the hurt, all the wreckage, all the shit he put me through, all the lies, all the pain, all the rejection. There he was, sitting on his throne, choosing women from a storefront whilst hammering away at himself, oblivious to what was going on in his real world relationship. He even admitted he never even thought about my needs. But he still put enough effort in to hiding his pathetic habit from me.

Some days I wonder, why should I continue to respect him after all the pain his thoughtless self-indulgent behaviour has put me through? Why should I believe anything he says after all his lies? Why should I even let him touch me after he treated my body like a consolation prize?

I've just had enough of feeling this way. I've had enough garbage in my head for too long. I've looked to him for approval, that I'm good enough for him, trying to please him, allowing him to decide whether I'm attractive enough for him or whatever. And it's not doing me any good. Just what do I have to do to feel OK about being me?

How do we rebuild trust 'after' porn?

It goes something like this. We fall in love with someone and they love us in the same way. We make commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. Life is good. Sex is good. We share our hopes and dreams. As life goes on we see each other through hard times too. Life goes on, time passes, times change. We change. But we're still happy together and still intent on sharing a future together.

Then we discover our partner has been using porn. It's all happening behind closed doors. We've been excluded from our partner's sex life. Maybe there's more than just porn going on, maybe there isn't. We don't know. But in time there's a wall of secrecy to keep us out. Lies and denials when we ask questions. The porn addict is blinded to the effects his behaviour is having on his partner and on the relationship.

Then we put our cards on the table. We've had enough. No more porn or no more us. That's the stark choice. If we're lucky they quit and we both re-commit ourselves to the relationship.

But how do we rebuild trust? What about the lies and the secrecy that became a way of life? How do we know what's really been going on if we KNOW we've been lied to? How can we trust someone who lies several times before admitting something not even worth lying about? How do you trust someone who is so clever with words that they'd use words that sound 'true' in
order to deceive? And if they lie about something as stupid as porn, can they be honest about other important issues?

What does trust mean to us now? Does it mean something different 'after' porn? It certainly FEELS different to me. I don't know if this is a phase or whether my definition of trust has to change. I find myself asking how likely his 'truth' is? Is it always going to be a deliberate weighing up of the odds? I know more about my partner now and I'm still trying to come to terms with this knowledge. I'm also having to accept that there are probably things I don't know. We are told that trust is essential for any relationship, but what exactly does trust mean now?

Just to make it clear - this isn't about whether someone is or isn't watching porn. It's about repairing the damage that a porn habit or addiction has caused.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Season's Greetings
« on: December 19, 2015, 08:31:14 PM »
Hi everyone

I just want wish everyone a happy time over the Christmas holiday period.

I'm taking a break so I can enjoy the festivities.

Wishing you all the happiest times.  We can reunite in 2016 to kick that porn monster to the curb where it belongs. 


Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / What else besides porn?
« on: December 11, 2015, 11:14:04 AM »
What other behaviours has your partner admitted to besides porn? I'm wondering about sex cams, chat rooms, strip clubs or even paying for sex. Is it typical for PAs to just stick to porn or do they go beyond porn?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Avoiding codependency
« on: December 09, 2015, 07:10:22 PM »
I've been reading about co-dependency in the context of sex addiction. Many therapists working with sex and porn addiction - especially since high speed internet connections have brought unlimited access to porn and cybersex to just about every home and mobile device – are more of the opinion that partners experience trauma rather than being ready-made codependents subconsciously seeking out an addict to love. I would tend to agree with the trauma model. Porn addiction is happening because of easy access explicit material of every shade and variety 24/7, and that people with no underlying risk factors for addiction can end up having the reward centers in their brains hijacked and conditioned to "need" porn at the expense of relational sex with a real life partner.

I also have some concerns that I am potentially at risk of becoming co-dependent. It's so easy to fall into the trap of monitoring and checking, and wanting to take charge of "his" recovery, getting paranoid about relapses or whether he might be looking at potential triggering materials etc etc. I've been there. Some days I AM there. We know it doesn't feel right to be in that "checking" mindset. We don't want them to "fail" and we see their recovery as a reflection on us – whether it's our desirability as a mate, or that we are failing to motivate or educate our men about the negative effects of porn addiction, etc etc. BUT......where are WE in all of this? What about OUR recovery?

We know all that stuff about how it's up to him to quit, that his recovery is his responsibility and not ours, that it's not our fault, that his porn addiction is not about us, etc etc. But I know how hard it is to let go of wanting to somehow keep him in recovery, and that feeling of "if I get complacent about him being off porn he'll sneak back to it and lie to me all over again". I know I have to let go of that mindset and focus on MY recovery.

To his credit, my SO has been encouraging me to get back to doing the things I used to enjoy. After he quit porn and various issues came to light, it was a very difficult and emotionally charged time for both of us. I didn't have the energy to do much else. I couldn't return to doing all the things I loved to do because my head was elsewhere. I had many false starts. I was triggered by TV shows, movies, music videos, etc. Everywhere I saw reminders of his PA. I had endless doubts, unanswered questions, and every so often another aspect of his PA would come to light. I carried on checking to see if he was back on porn and looked for any evidence that I might have missed. I also knew it wasn't a healthy way to live.

I bought several books on porn and sex addiction, but the best book (for me) is Sex Addiction - The Partner's Perspective. I like it because it's written for partners. Although the term "sex addiction" covers a range of behaviours, porn addiction is acknowledged as a subcategory of sex addiction. Regardless of how the addiction is acted out, the advice to partners is the same. It's about US, it's about OUR recovery from their betrayal and not THEIR recovery from THEIR addiction/compulsive behaviour. I'm sure there are other books that work well for other people. I would try a few and see what fits your own experience.

The best thing I have learned is the "cycle of reaction" which is about being triggered (being reminded of his porn habit by something on TV, a memory, or my own anxieties about his past behaviours) and then going through the cycle to "reactive behaviours" (confrontation, checking and investigating, getting angry, etc). Then it settles down, you're back in the "dormant" phase and somehow you believe that everything is going to be fine, but after a few days there's another trigger and so the cycle begins again. I actually caught myself THREE TIMES last week being triggered and then dealing with it. I got a handle on it by writing down what triggered me and identifying the underlying emotions. Then I told myself I can't control his behaviour or I can't control what he sees or how he reacts to it. I can only be responsible for me. And getting familiar with this cycle of reaction and knowing it's time to put the brakes on has been an enormous breakthrough. If I didn't do this then I could end up becoming "codependent" and becoming too involved with his recovery and not my own.

The most significant thing that has happened as a consequence of identifying the "cycle of reaction" and taking control has been that I have actually had the energy and drive to make a start getting back to doing what I used to do. It's been tough over recent months, there's been a lot of trial and error getting a handle on my emotions and reactions, my mood and being preoccupied by his PA. Much of it had to be experienced to understand it and get through it, but I think there comes a time when we have to move on and take care of ourselves otherwise we'd go mad. We need to focus on ourselves regardless of where our partner is in their recovery.

I read is lot about setting boundaries about what we find acceptable and what we don't want as part of our lives, especially when it comes to porn and sex. The trouble I'm having with this is that I never consented to his porn habit in the first place. He just became better at hiding it from me. In recent months, when I did discover any evidence, he was more interested in how I found out rather than the real issue ie the extent of his porn habit. The evidence I discovered also exposed his lies, even though he said he would be honest with me. So, how on earth do we establish "boundaries" if the other party wants to distort them to suit their own agenda, even if it's just to save face?

Sometimes I feel that I have to come up with definition for what porn is, or what a lie is, or what evidence is, as if I'm talking in lawyer-speak and having to think up whatever clause or definition just so I can ask him question. He's very clever and slippery with his words, he's one of those people who will choose his words so carefully so as to be true but is effectively lying. It's really hard work. I'm sick of all his clever words, but at the same time I have to know what I'm dealing with. If lying and deception is something I find unacceptable in my relationship ESPECIALLY when in comes to issues around porn and the problems that arise from it, but he keeps on lying about it, or keeps trying to avoid delicate issues by the lying by omission tactic, how on earth can I maintain the boundary of not wanting lies and deception? It's tough because often you don't know you've been lied to or kept in the dark until much later. And then what? I can't resolve this one.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / The Lying Game - it never stops
« on: November 24, 2015, 04:33:47 AM »
So he gave up "porn" when I hit the bottom. After he saw me in utter despair and when I told him that I felt that his behaviour made me feel worth less than pixels on a screen, and then he swears off porn, what does he do? The very next day he looks at websites featuring photos of women with large breasts and all the time he's telling me the porn is over. He still couldn't help himself. He saw me at my absolute worst and he still couldn't leave it alone. "Not porn"? It's a sickness of the mind. I really don't know what to make of him after finding this out.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Life after porn
« on: November 22, 2015, 07:53:26 PM »
My husband gave up porn this year after 15 years of viewing the stuff online. By then there was no physical intimacy between us and I had reached breaking point. That's when he realised he had to stop. The problem started as soon as we had an internet connection installed at home. Until then we sex enjoyed great sex. I had a few health issues which meant sex was less frequent but I never lost my sex drive and the sex was always good. I had no issues with masturbation. I could accept the occasional magazine but internet porn changed porn everything.

It was the usual story - I found the evidence of his porn use on the computer. After about the third confrontation in the first year I gave up trying because he wouldn't stop. He just became more thorough about deleting the evidence. Our sex life became less frequent and then performance problems developed. Then the sex stopped completely. Our previous emotional closeness was also affected by the lack of close physical contact. My self esteem was slowly eroded to zero, to the point I hated my reflection in the mirror and seeing the shell of the person I once was. Earlier this year I more or less had a breakdown of sorts, at which point he realised he had to stop, but it wasn't that straightforward.

I had to face the porn issue head on. He might have been clever about hiding the evidence but I found enough to tell me what he wouldn't admit to. Despite agreeing to be honest with me about his porn use he still lied. He would only admit to the bare minimum that he thought he could get away with and when I found evidence that proved that he had lied he'd say he had no memory of it. So how will I ever know how far it went? He also admitted that he'd made repeated visits to strip bars in the past. I accept that I may never know the full story. I've had to draw a line under the disclosure/discovery episode. Whatever he did he can't change and neither can I. I'm certainly. I have had to revise my concept of trust, that's for sure.

I know that he hasn't gone back to porn. He said coming out about his problem was a relief. He says he was caught in a cycle of depression and self loathing when he was using it, but he couldn't or wouldn't stop.  He has since read about how habitual porn use affects brain, becomes compulsive, etc. He has a very different attitude than he had years ago when he paid lip service to quitting. He knows his behaviour has hurt our relationship, and hurt each of us as individuals.

His porn use destroyed my self confidence and self worth. I have a tall, slim physique and I know that I'm a good looking woman. My only "crime" was growing older and having petite breasts - which I was perfectly happy with. It's very difficult to rebuild my self esteem AND rebuild our relationship whilst dealing with the anger over the deception and crippling self doubt that comes from sexual neglect. I am having therapy - for myself. A stronger version of me is emerging. I'm slowly reacquainting myself with the girl that used to be and not the hollow shell I became. My younger self would have laughed at the vapidity and fakery of porn and pitied the middle-aged men who behaved like he did. My younger self would have sworn she'd never put up with being treated like that. We all think it won't happen to us but it's traumatic when it does.

There's nothing on his computer or phone that suggests he's back on the porn. He says he has no desire to go back. So far so good. Our relationship is a lot better BUT there are issues that flare up and it's not easy at times. If you want to tackle the porn issue don't be under any illusions. Life can feel much more difficult after you open the lid on the Pandora's box. You may see things you don't like and hear things that hurt. All those pent up feelings will hit you like a tidal wave over and over. But it's what you have to do if you want to rescue your relationship. No matter what, you also need to recover your own self esteem, reclaim your identity and rebuild your life. Easy to say, not easy to do. I'm a long way from being over it.

Stay strong.

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