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Messages - MioMio

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51
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: January 12, 2015, 03:21:40 PM »
I had a couple of drinks Friday and I have mixed feelings about it. It felt great to go drinking again, but in the end it wasn't very fulfilling. The next day I edged hard, but had myself under enough control not to go all the way!

I feel very self-centered when it comes to this reboot. However, alcohol is always luring around the corner.

52
Porn Addiction / Re: Obsession for the Perfect Body ?
« on: January 05, 2015, 01:51:24 PM »
Haha, I am all about the boobs too and can relate to your situation all the way. Actually, just the thought of it makes me all tingly. Dare yourself to withstand the temptation and fight to get out of focus on boos in any given moment. Afterwards, it feels great just to know that you've conquered your trigger!

53
Ages 20-29 / Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« on: January 04, 2015, 05:08:46 PM »
Perfect! Baby steps are the way to go! Have you considered rewarding yourself for every (other) goal?

54
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: January 04, 2015, 05:07:00 PM »
Personal insecurities, self-consciousness

I have come across a facade of my life today that seems so dark that I was astonished because it does not fit my character at all.

Basically, I live a very minimalistic lifestyle at home. It is important to me that all my furniture is in perfect symmetry, there's nothing just laying around and everything has its place. Rather than buying decoration for my apartment, I tend to give items away. Somehow all this control over my environment creates order in my head. Thanks to another rebooters message today, I cam upon the reason for all this tidiness.

Yes, minimalism creates order in my head and I love how freely I can walk through my apartment, but the basis for all this is completely different. In my teens, I was sick for about nine years and suffered from something called SUNCT-syndrome (http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/SUNCT-Syndrom). I would have these incredibly painful attacks in my facial area and told myself that at some point I will commit suicide. Life was just not liveable and as far as I recover, this disease appears to have one of the highest suicide rates, due to its intensity of pain and hopelessness to find proper therapy.

In any case. When I moved to my apartment, things got better physically, but every now and then, the pain would re-appear, even if only on a much smaller scale. At such moments I "realized" that I needed to plan ahead, find the perfect way to commit suicide and leave as little of work for my family behind as possible. So I started throwing out every thing that I didn't need in order to be able to move all my belongings in a matter of a few hours and get my life over with.

I realize that this is not really related to pmo, but I feel that all these things I realize somehow contribute to a bigger picture.

55
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: January 03, 2015, 07:11:07 AM »
Softcore to porn

Yesterday, another rebooter's journal reminded me of how everything started...

Before I got afflicted with porn, I would rush to the store, buy some magazine like fhm and get all obsessed over tits. The whole process would last anywhere between 0,5 and 3 hours. MagazineMO  :D


56
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: January 02, 2015, 01:24:16 AM »
Day 12

Everything has been going fine for the last two weeks. But tonight was the first time that I had cravings for porn, fantasies, images etc. Accompanied by some weird stomache ache and general restlessness, I'm not sure if I am just weak from the last days of excercise or if withdrawal is kicking in.

57
Ages 20-29 / Re: 20+ years of addiction. Searching for a new life
« on: January 01, 2015, 03:23:54 PM »
Hi rebooter!

I have been on and off rebooting for seven months now. It is sooooo worth it, all you have to do is stay strong and accept a relapse. I am aiming for a final reboot now and have high hopes for it to work out.

If you find the time, make sure to read some other journals. Many experiences will help you deal with this issue much easier.

58
Porn Addiction / Re: Stupid TV
« on: January 01, 2015, 02:50:11 PM »
I understand that TV is an important part of family life, so just stopping the evening ritual would be nonsense. However, I do want to encourage everyone to give a TV-free life a shot.

Apart from the obvious intention of reducing explicit material, you will realize what massive influence media ha on the people around you. You will risk not being able to talk with your friends about the latest talent shows, but really, what significant opinion can David Hasselhoff offer anyway?!

 


59
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: January 01, 2015, 11:03:17 AM »
Social Anxiety

I notice that I tend to be very hectic when first talking to people. It's not some hook to initiate conversation, but a result of missing rhythm. I will try to work in it and go more relaxed about meeting new people.

Also, I think this also applies well to the reboot. One we get weak and are about to relapse, it's the hectic respond to just do it and pmo. If one takes time to recapitulate, if it's really worth giving up weeks of struggle, the conclusion should be against die porn!

60
Ages 20-29 / Re: system reboot starting now
« on: December 31, 2014, 05:44:05 PM »
I'm sure you took the right step. Take yourself some time and try to analyze your day. Filter the times when you pmo most likely and find counter measures! Cold showers have become a classic, though I have switched to warm/cold each time one minute with a total of three turns. It's very effective, has an immense effect on your immune system and leaves you energized. Just make sure to leave the shower after a cold minute.

Also, remember that relapse may come and will not mean the end offen the world. Moreover it should help you find your weaknesses!

61
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 31, 2014, 03:52:59 AM »
I do not doubt that it's possible, since I have been there before. However, I always had to put on some kind of mask to become the guy who can have fun without alcohol. We'll see how everything turns out, I'll keep this thread updated.

62
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 31, 2014, 01:56:30 AM »
Alcohol

In the past I used to binge drink a lot. At first because I didn't know any better, then to surpress my problems and finally, because I would lose my social anxiety.

Now back to reality: None of these aspects apply to me anymore! While I was planning on quitting alcohol until February, I am now contemplating becoming sober for good.

I must way however that I'm somewhat nervous about it. In my line of business alcohol and networking are very closely related. Ultimately, I will have to find natural days to go along with the crowd, without drinking.

63
Interesting story! I can see myself in some aspects of your life. Also, I appreciate you taking small steps, we are much too obsessed with getting everything as fast as possible.

Your post has actually brought me to the point to contemplate giving up alcohol for good.

P.S. Stiffy, great name!

 

64
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 31, 2014, 01:32:54 AM »
Sexuality, the virgin issue and alcohol

Looking back on the time I was about to have sex, I was always drunk and witnessed ED. I suppose staying away from booze will just be part of the whole experiment.

Another thought came into my head. I'm curious how my years of abstinence from social life and teenage experiences, coupled with excessive pmo, have had an effect on my first sexual encounters. Perhaps it was already too late once I got sexually active, since my brain was wired on porn. This idea would put a totally new perspective on my struggles of being a virgin.

I think I may have become obsessed with the topic, because I felt that losing one's virginity is expected before 20 or so. I feel that lying about having had sex before was a step into the wrong direction and that this reboot will potentially make it possible for me to make amends with my virginity issue.

65
Ages 20-29 / Re: Damaged by porn, 26 but time to begin life!
« on: December 31, 2014, 01:15:45 AM »
Good to hear that you are making progress on an emotional basis.

Just be careful that you do not get obsessed with this girl. It can turn into a major distraction from your reboot and when things do not go as you wish, it may even make you relapse!

66
Porn Addiction / Re: How Much To Share?
« on: December 30, 2014, 03:41:14 PM »
Maybe we are being to harsh on ourselves... How do you feel about changing perspectives! If I tell someone that I quit porn for the above mentioned reasons, the majority has to accept that decision, because they must feel similarly. Now don't get me wrong, maybe I have just been living behind the moon for the last 20 years, but porn has become an essential part of our lives. Ask any guy if he can honestly state that porn has change his life to the better and represents a fulfilling way to spend his time! Many will deny the ugly truth, but deep inside they can't deny that we are on the right track.

Now, facebook? Same problem. How have people communicated 20 years ago? Probably by phone. Is Facebook really necessary to stay in touch? Isn't it much more fulfilling to meet an old friend by chance and not search engine? To me, fb is nothing but a source of people trying to create a better self. Alone setting up a profile is so far fetched... Show me one honest profile that depicts a person how they really are. Okay, this is becoming a novel. To sum it up: I used to be on fb 24/7, now I'm gone - nothing has changed.

67
Women / Re: 22 year old girl addicted to porn since age of 15
« on: December 30, 2014, 12:12:44 PM »
This is a great post and it has widened my horizon on rebooting. I hope you will find a solution to your problem and rewire soon!

68
Porn Addiction / Re: How Much To Share?
« on: December 30, 2014, 12:06:03 PM »
Clearly, sharing your problem is part of recovery. I totally agree with the stigma problem and truthfully, I didn't feel that sharing my problem would find much acceptance. The problem is that we are handling an addiction.

I have started to tell my friends that I have stopped porn because I feel that it completely irritated my view of women and that it nothing but a waste of time. Accompanied by signing off from social media, everyone accepted my view and I received more recognition than rejection.


69
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 30, 2014, 07:50:18 AM »
Setting up and getting rid of barriers

Now, while being on vactaion, I can finally get my head clear. It is absurd ehat I have on my mind all day long and I see why I feel stressed out all the time. Clearly, I need more time outs:
- weekend trips
- outdoor activities

70
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 30, 2014, 01:38:13 AM »
Hard Mode

I have come upon the problem of TV series before. Perhaps they are a small addiction or an outlet for non existent hobbies. But the real problem here, is the display of nudity.

It is insane how much sex and nudity is displayed in current TV series. I have come to the conclusion to cut this part too!

71
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 30, 2014, 01:26:20 AM »
M and stress relief

I came upon some posts that dealt with stress relief. I remember exzessive stress leading to M. This ocurred when I was studying for exams.

I will try to find some short and long Term activities for stress relief.

72
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Journal
« on: December 29, 2014, 03:14:04 PM »
Self-consciousness

I have tried to look for a source of my self-consciousness and I feel that it is at least partially connected to the fact that I was always the tallest and oldest looking. In my opinion, my environment concluded that physical maturity must go hand in hand with emotional maturity.
However, this has never been the case.

I've never had a girlfriend, I'm an almost 27-year old virgin and I feel akward when it comes to social activities. I have been sick for the majority of my teenage years and perhaps this is the reason that I have a mixed up set of expectations and values every man my age should possess.

Now, back to the reboot:
I'm in Austria right now and have been skiing/hiking for approx. 8 hours today. Clearly working on your physical condition keeps your mind of pmo and helps to stay centered. I have totally underestimated this factor and will integrate it into my reboot.


73
Ages 20-29 / My Journal
« on: December 28, 2014, 10:55:55 PM »
I have been around this forum since May 2014 and went through many rocky bits, but the significance of positive experiences have made me realize that reboot is the way to go.

Update 1:
Relapsed after 59 days.
Update 2:
No ED
Update 3:
First wet dream (ever)
Update 4:
Relapse after 74 days.
Update 5:
Going hard mode!
Update 6:
New thread.

Looking back, there have been several issues that have made me relapse, but mainly a lack of goals. I am not rebooting to impress others, but to make a permanent change in my life. From now on I will try to observe my actions from a realistic point of view, no bullshit, no attention-seeking.

My sticking points:
a. Personal insecurities (the problem)
Namely,
- self-consciousness
--> how do I see myself and how do others see me?
- sexuality
--> at some point I decided to refrain from taking a realistic approach to sexuality and turn it into a taboo topic to avoid at all costs
- women
--> I grew up on very liberal terms, but always set up own barriers. I would reject girls approaching me, due to a lack of self-confidence and fearing conversation
--> I was always expected to just handle the situation with women, but I get anxious around them. Around my family and work it makes me uncomfortable to speak about women, even worse to look at them. But it's not a taboo, somehow I have created this barrier myself!
--> Every relapse was caused by the fact of me coming home alone, not having met a partner or feeling that I could not stand up to the expectations others have in me
- socializing
In rare cases I have felt that I could be myself. Often, I play(ed) roles to fit into situations. More importantly, I acted how I thought others expect me to be... life of the party, the fun guy, the story-teller, the drinker...
- alcohol
to be continued...

b. Alcohol (the tool)
So far, every relapse I went through was partially caused by alcohol. It is a powerful tool to get your mind of problems and relax for a short period of time, but it also destroys boundaries and only offers a quick, but damging fix. In combination with my reboot, I will refrain from alcohol.

I will use this journal to work on my sticking points. This Journals is intended to give me a better perspective on myself and help self-reflection.

Reboot Plan:
1. Go hard mode - No P, no M, no (intentional) O
If it get's serious with a girl, share my path and stay with it.
2. No drugs, absolutely no alcohol
3. Work out: Hiking, bicycle, maybe gym
!! Plan weekend trips to get my head clear
4. Eat healthy: No junk food
5. Sleep min. 8 hours per day, get up no later than 7
6. No TV series, only selected movies in cinema.
7. No lying, no showing off, no attention-seeking

74
I completely agree with you. Before my last relapse I thought things were going great and I didn't even see myself slipping anymore.

Going hard means checking yourself all the time!

Beware of TV shows, it's insane how much nudity and Sex is included these days.

75
Ages 20-29 / Re: 2nd relapse after 75 days, here we go again.
« on: December 10, 2014, 06:36:18 AM »
Thanks for the kind words!

For the past months I have been rolling good without any filters/blockers in my browser and I'm going to keep it this way.

Still, I plan to stay away from the obvious xxx-sites, but also include
- youtube
- streams (my favorite shows offer way too much nudity)
- ... this list will get longer, I'm sure
= More free-time to practice a new hobby :D

And yes, I have decided to go hard-mode!

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