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Topics - Keyblade Keeper

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Ages 20-29 / My Shadow
« on: September 27, 2015, 12:22:01 AM »
For the record, I decided to name this journal after one of my best friends who used the term "shadow" to characterize the demons he and I have struggled through. I figured what better term to use than that to describe my journey?

A little about me...I'm 22 years old, graduated from undergraduate university this past May. I am planning on medical school in the future but I procrastinated too much on my apps to have made the cut for this year so I'm back at home with my family.

I discovered porn before puberty, and used to just watch it for hours and hours without touching myself at all. My parents caught me and called it smut and would ground me for watching it, which only drove me to watch it more. When I masturbated it was using a Death Grip, without lube, and very fast because I wanted to minimize the chance of getting caught. I always worried that I would have ED since I discovered YBOP but I was a virgin up until last year...

I'm gay and have only been out since March of '14 (in fact, my self-discovery is what ended my last attempt at rebooting). It was an exhilarating experience to finally have some sexual experiences. However, my worst fears came true: I have problems maintaining erections and cumming. I get rock solid boners when making out with a partner and when I please them, but whenever they start to touch my dick I usually get gradually softer and softer. I used to get embarrassed and just let my partner do the deed (i.e. I would bottom) and ignore my dick. Eventually I got better with cumming and was comfortable enough to jerk myself off, whether it was during sex or after. Only a few people have managed to make me cum without me jerking myself (and only if they jerk me). While I enjoy sex now, I can't truly relax and just let my worries/performance anxiety/thoughts go. Especially since I would like to top eventually but without a quality erection that is definitely unfeasible.

Looking around the web, it's more than just porn that is the problem here. I compulsively masturbate at least 1-2x daily, on average. My penis is desensitized from the number of times I've given myself abrasions from dry masturbation. Porn is definitely part of the problem, but there are other issues here too. In the past, I've demonized porn as the sole problem. Since I started seeing a therapist last year, she helped me realize that viewing something as completely "evil" just wastes energy and thoughts on the source...I am still trying to accept that porn can be useful to some people but to me...I need to minimize its use, cut back on masturbation, change how I masturbate, and try to let my poor dick rest and recover.

I had three long-term attempts at rebooting. My first was when I started college at 18. I managed somewhere around 21-25 days of complete abstinence (I can't remember) and passed the 100 day no-porn mark. But...I still used death grip and didn't feel recovered. And I was still hiding my homosexuality from myself so I felt I was failing because I didn't have sexual urges towards women. Attempt two was the following year, when I turned 19. I made it 32 days completely abstinent and around 70 days of no porn. I felt more alive that reboot than the previous one. But the stress of school made me start playing with myself to procrastinate and to relieve my stress. My third attempt was barely started, maybe 3 weeks in, of just trying to do no porn, with masturbation being done in a less-nuanced way. That whole thing was thrown out the window when I realized I was gay.

I am definitely aiming for 100 days of no porn. Masturbation I'm shooting for the same but I'm still a little unsure if I would count jerking off during sex as masturbation. Maybe I should still forego touching myself and urge my partner to play with me instead, and just enjoy the pleasure without necessarily needing to orgasm. In terms of sex in general though, I'm probably going to take a break and definitely take myself off of the hookup apps I'm using for now. I'm still a little unsure, especially since I have a friend who I could hook up with at any point I want to. To further promote penile sensitivity restoration, I'm considering making any "self love" time require me to use my Fleshlight to promote the body becoming used to non-masturbatory stimuli. I'm also trying to remember to use lotion on my dick daily to moisturize it and promote healthy nerve function. And, while I'm at it, I'm considering trying to restore my foreskin (manually, not through surgery). Of course my mom always says I dive headfirst into things without wading in slowly so maybe I should focus on just the abstinence piece first.

Sorry for the long post guys! Starting at day 0 right now (I decided to jump back in after my second PMO session today...) so the journey begins...tomorrow.

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