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Messages - tonenuff

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Getting clear
« on: October 09, 2015, 10:34:57 PM »
Been "off the wagon" the past two weeks, a couple of days "on"/a couple of days "off". I guess the only upside is it hasn't been to porn. I did some photography at a recent yoga event I was participating in for the event promoter and Yoga girls are "right up my alley"; I find them very sexy, even fully clothed. So as I have gone through the photos and sent them off to different groups to use, I have had handfuls of the women involved reaching out to me as they wanted to see the pics and if they were in them. They have all been very complimentary and some I have had ongoing conversations with. So between the conversations (not sexual, just friendly/fun) and the photos, I have been pretty turned on and have masturbated to some of the photos. I do not know if this is any progress as it is still images, but there is no porm involved; Everyone is dressed and doing yoga, I just have found the whole scenario very stimulating.

So I am still working on it...

Ages 40 and up / Re: Getting clear
« on: September 25, 2015, 03:28:44 AM »
It appreciate the input, it's good to know others have gone through similar. It's a good point to look at it as you said. I've done a lot of digging in in my life, but this area is one I haven't done as much. Time to look at that...

Thanks again!

Ages 40 and up / Getting clear
« on: September 24, 2015, 02:23:54 AM »
Hi all,

I have been meaning to reach out to everyone here for a while, but kept putting it off saying "I can do this myself!" but I haven't been successful. Hopefully with the insight and guidance available from everyone, I will finally be able to beat this addiction, so I thank everyone in advance for any help you can provide. I am forty two years old and currently single, and after an ongoing string of bad relationships, I felt it would best after the last one ended a year ago to really step back from it and get my issues resolved, this being one of them. I have done a lot of work on myself and feel there has been a great amount of personal growth, but this is one issue I have yet to resolve. I had attempted to reboot earlier this year, after I found the website and watched the videos, but it only lasted about three weeks before a relapse and that has been going on like that for about six months now. So I approach this with a beginners mind and input is appreciated.

I first saw porn was I was around 7-8 years old. At a friend's birthday party, the older brother had Playboys and he told the boys there that he would let us see them if we crawled through a culvert in the woods. My friend and I did it and were able to get a glimpse of the magazine before his mother came in. I had a very close relationship with my father and when I told him what had happened at the party, he took one out he had and let me see it. From there on out, I had an interest in it and would sneak a look at my Dad's magazines any chance I could get. The first porn film I saw was an old Marilyn Chambers video when I was about 12-13 and it wigged me out at first; It was hardcore and I had never seen anything like that. I found it disturbing but but when I got older, it no longer was and I found it very exciting. I did not start masturbating till about 14 years old and it was to magazines (Playboy, Penthouse) but it wasn't frequent, maybe once a week, as my mother and the Christian upbringing I had taught me it was dirty and wrong so I always felt ashamed after.

I got my first girlfriend when I was 16 and began having sex when I was 17, and with that porn and masturbation interest dropped off, as it always seems to when I am in a relationship, at least in the beginning. One issue I have always had since I first started having sex and continues to this day, and the reason for my desire to reboot, is delayed ejaculation. I have never been a "quick draw", it always has taken some effort to reach orgasm. When I was a younger man and sex was new, long before internet porn, it was manageable and not a huge issue. I could almost always reach orgasm, it just took a strong effort and knowing when I felt it coming to ride it out. This wasn't bad for my partner as they often appreciated the fact that I lasted long. That was until that turned a corner for me where it is now extremely difficult to reach orgasm during sex unless it intense, which I will explain further on.

Into my twenties, I went through many dry spells that led to more and more masturbation. I was living on my own at this point and I had met friends who openly talked about it and would swap porn tapes and talked about going to the porn store to buy new ones. I wasn't as comfortable talking about it as they were, but their openness about it made me feel less guilty and considering my lack of sexual outlet, buy porn and masturbate more often. Around this time I got involved with a girl who ended up doing a lot of emotional damage to me and left me with large mistrust of women. Also around the same time, I got the internet and all the porn I wanted at the push of button. When I look back, this is where I feel the shift really began from looking to actual women for sexual stimulation, and more just at images.

My father got sick in my late twenties and died when I was in my early thirties. He and I were extremely close and when I died, I was heartbroken. Soon after his death, the girlfriend I had at the time who was living with me, left. I had been head over heels in love with her and it broke my heart when she left. After the emotional damage done by the girl in my twenties, the loss of my father and now her, I disconnected. I no longer wanted to get close to people, I just wanted to have sex and move on. In 2006 I signed up on adult dating (sex) websites and once I gave it sometime, about six months, I became good at the game. I would just jump from girl to girl to girl, constantly lining up new ones or setting up time with "stand bys" to make sure every weekend I was having sex. There were weeks I had multiple encounters with different women or weekends where I had "dates" set up for saturday and sunday, morning and night. I thought this was the being a "real man" and had finally achieved the sexual prowess that men feel is important to their "manhood". There were no relationships here, no real ones at least, only ones based on sex that never worked out because how could they... All this time I just kept surrounding myself with sex, whether it was meeting a woman for sex, talking to them about it or masturbating to porn online, everything was sex and that it became more and more intense and more and more wild. If the sex or the porn wasn't intense, I wouldn't be able to reach orgasm: regular sex or basic porn wouldn't do it anymore. It got to the point where even maintaining an erection would be difficult if it wasn't intense. Getting an erection wasn't the issue, but maintaining it during sex was as I needed it to be so intense for me to get off, because if it wasn't I would just "lose interest"; I would often have to put on porn in the background just to get off. This was difficult for the women I was with because although I would perform for long period of time, I would lose interest and stop as I wasn't reaching orgasm and it was hard to maintain the erection. They often thought it was them and would get very self conscious and would want to leave. There was nothing good about any of this.

Around 2008 I realized I had an issue, but was to afraid to stop figuring I would "lose everything" if I did. I made a half hearted attempt at personal growth and saw a therapist for about four months, but when he got sick and could no longer see me I stopped trying and just continued along the same path. It wasn't until 2011 that I realized I need to break this loop. I wanted a real relationship and wanted off this track, but didn't know how to do it, but putting that intention out to the universe started the ball rolling, and a nurse at an STD clinic set the course.

After all of these encounters, I decided to go for an STD test to make sure I didn't catch anything. I came out clean, but the nurse there berated me about my lifestyle. She asked me why I couldn't just get a girlfriend. I told her I was trying but it wasn't easy to find the right person. Her response was, "Well you definitely aren't going about it the right way!" When I left, I remember being very angry at her, thinking who is she to judge me!? After all, I was a sexual superhero to my guy friends, all of them living vicariously through me. What did she know!? The next day after my ego sat down, I realized she was right and decided to get healthy. I stopped with the sex sites, deactivated the account and began disconnecting from the women I knew there. I started with a therapist, began meditating and studying buddhism, deepened my martial arts practice and became a yogi. Over the next three years, I had three different girlfriends and all I had some issue reaching orgasm with. None worked out as I hoped and I ended up once again with a severely broken heart, but I am good with all of that as it was part of the path to get me here.

So this is where I am now, at a point I feel I am ready to have a healthy relationship, but I still have this problem of delayed ejaculation that I need to resolve. As I had mentioned earlier, I attempted a reboot earlier this year stopping masturbation and porn cold, but it only lasted about three weeks. The only positive note on that was when I did relapse, it was to a picture of a girl in a sexy dress, no crazy porn; she wasn't even naked! That didn't last long though and I was soon back to over the top, intense porn. It has been on and off like that for six months now. I recently just got rid of my "porn stash" of old tapes and magazines. I rarely ever looked at them, I only kept the for some strange nostalgic purpose. As a symbolic gesture, I packed them all up and left them at the back door of a local auto shop (I use to fix cars for living and those guys love porn.) I am not sure what to do as I still get urges like I was a young man. I wake up daily with an erection and often find myself pre-occupied with sexual thoughts like I did as a younger man; I was hoping that distraction would go away as I got older, but it only lessened slightly. I attempted to get rid of any triggers, but some I do not know how to avoid. I am avid yogi and when I go to class, there are often very attractive women there dressed ever so slightly. I will find myself thinking about them well after class and end up masturbating to "clear my mind", and that's what it will do. Once I get my "fix", I am good for a while, like the thought never ever occurred to me, but that is only one trigger. I thought about porn blocking software, but I will just find a way around that. I have the will power at times, but between hormones still flowing and the addiction, it's been very hard to beat...

That's my situation, I appreciate you taking time to read it and any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

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