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Messages - hopeful

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Back to the real me
« on: September 02, 2015, 01:07:15 PM »
hi GX70,

it's good to have you here. So many people with the same problems. I also came a long way, and finally after so many years my reboot is going great. To me and my partner, this site was very helpful. We read a lot of stories here ,and it gets us talking.
I don't know if you have a partner right now, but it's easier to share the burden. On your journey probably there will be a lot of triggers, who can throw you off balance. The easy way can be to relapse into old habits.It's feels safe and secure, especially when you are not.
I know now that it's possible to stay clean and rewire your brain. Believe me, you can. Also I'm convinced that pied is the direct result of PA.
As I am rebooting now, I feel to have my life back and in control again. My brain becomes sharp, and I'm able to relate to people around me. Self esteem has gone up, and really feeling good. This makes me even more determined, to end this fight.
I just know I have a better person inside me, which I've lost a long time ago.My partner deserves this "better me", nothing less.
So keep up your strength, stay committed, and keep posting.
All the best !

Ages 40 and up / Re: My story
« on: September 01, 2015, 01:33:53 PM »
I'm the partner of Hoopvol, she's replied earlier.
I've had porn in my life for almost 35 years now. There is a lot of similarity between your and my story.As a young boy i didn't think of it as a problem.During my marriage with my wife, it became a very big problem.Slowly our lovelife went downhill, and at last there wasn't any left.All those years I tried to keep it a secret, with little success.She knew already for a long time that I had a problem with porn.I just couldn't tell her about it. Was ashamed, and felt very guilty towards her.Tried very hard in keeping up the appearance.
When she confronted me with it, and she confronted me several times, I became defensive, and tried to deny the whole thing.Afterwards I promised to quit this s"t, and move on.
I never quit, or even tried to. This rush, my brain was craving for, was just too strong to resist. I needed my dopamine, over and over again, and ever more frequent.My wife was becoming very desperate, and finally she forced a breakthrough.This couldn't go on like this.
It would end our marriage, and I was hurting just about everyone around me. Completely lost my focus, and was going numb, totally bliss of what was going on around me.Only thinking about the next possibility to "score". When she put my back against the wall, I slowly began to open up and told her in parts and pieces the whole truth. Off course she was hurt in a very bad way. Confused and angry with me.
It felt like I ripped her heart right out off her body. We were devastated, and literally hit rock bottom. When I think back now, it was truly the darkest period in my life ever. It was my wife who kept on fighting for our relationship, [forever grateful for that], and we went for counseling. After about 6 months, I relapsed, and with great speed, I was becoming the same guy I was before.
My wife noticed, and knew I was relapsing. Once again I find myself confronted with my addiction, This had to stop, and has to stop right now. Second time counseling,  this time a little different. There was more room for my partner, and how she felt about it. About 10 sessions later I promised myself and my loved one, that I would stay clean, and honest. My addiction was to be a thing of the past.
I learned to "see" my wife again, and what it did to her. Little more understanding of her feelings. It was new for me, cause I've always been numb to others. Really couldn't  relate to anyone. In any relationship, this is a disaster.
I've learned it' best to be honest and open. That way you can find yourself a teammate and fight this thing together.
I wish you the best and I hope to read about your progress here.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Smoke and mirrors
« on: August 27, 2015, 04:55:06 PM »
I'm the 47year old husband of Hoopvol, also posting.
Sounds very familiar to me. I was showing the same behaviour. For me it was a great deal of guild.
At that time I was so ashamed and angry at myself. When I came clean, and confessed it all to my wife, I felt sick and empty.
Slowly i became aware of her point of view, and what she's been trough. My self esteem dropped and I went insecure.
And I mean insecure about EVERYTHING ! I became very afraid of losing her and to have ended my marriage.
And in the end losing it all. Tried to make things right on my own way, and desperately wanted to show her that I was to be trusted . In my case , I was truthful and open, and my intentions were upright.
My point is, maybe your partner is also truly making amends to you, and he's not playing tricks.
I'm sure, women can sense instantly , when partners lie.

for starters, welcome on this forum.
My understanding of the idea of a reboot started here, and with success. I'd been struggling for 1,5 years before I found this site. I learned a lot about the damage to my brain (and my relationship) and the way to fix it.
Keep posting, don't fight this demon on your own.

Ages 40 and up / Re: How to stop the fantasies?
« on: August 22, 2015, 04:58:58 AM »
hey, Bumper,
hang in there. Your brain has been programmed for such a long time, and desperately seeks for the dopamine rush.It is truly a struggle.
You have to build up confidence, and feeling better about yourself, and fight this monster.You've already made an awesome step , in confiding here on RN.Most of us are there, are have been. Keep sharing and keep involved on the forum.
I always think back of the dark days, and how I felt back then.It makes me sick. Since then, I've been keeping my mind busy with things, involving my family, and friends. It helps tremendously, cause people around you, especially my partner, react on you like you are
just a different person. Off course you are, you are banning the P out of your brain, which has been clouding your brain all the time.
As long as you are committed to this disease, you're not able to let other people come close to you. That's why it is so destructive, during a relationship.There is no place for PA in any relationship.Also you really have to find someone, who's close to you, with whom you can talk. Don't fight this thing on your own.
Keep posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 21, 2015, 03:49:33 PM »
Thank you Bango Skank,
i just want you all to have the same feeling as I have right now.
The first sense of freedom. We all should be free, and live our lives like we want.
Keep on saying this, I couldn't have done it alone.
We're all here, cause we're fed up with this s**t.
Keep supporting, we can really make this happen, I' m sure.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 20, 2015, 04:30:50 PM »
I've had a terrific week. Everything's going for me right now.No PMN or MO, and not even considered .My relationship is also going up,
I commit myself in staying honest, and I keep talking to my wife. She feels good about herself also. Reading a lot here on RN, every day.
It really helps.Going strong.

Ages 40 and up / Re: How to stop the fantasies?
« on: August 20, 2015, 04:11:50 PM »
thinking back when I was PMO'ing , and how I felt during those times always helps me.At that time I felt like a wreck, and saw now way out.Finally I was able, with a great deal of help, to make a breakthrough, and it gave me so much more energy and joy for life.
Talking to your partner or loved one is always a good thing.You do not have to fight this on your own.
Keep your mind and body busy,maybe workout.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 19, 2015, 02:53:04 PM »

as long as she understands that the addiction has nothing to do with her. When I was watching P, it didn't really matter hoe the "actors"
looked like on the screen. I was satisfied, when the actual "act", was shown. That , in retrospective, is ultimate sadness. It should have opened my eyes sooner, but my brian just didn't react. Only focussed on getting  the dopamine rush.
It makes me sad to see how so many men, and teenagers, sign up on this forum,every day, who have been lured into porn addiction.
It's global ,easy accessible , and a deathtrap. My heart breaks when I read stories from addicted kids at the age of 13 ! This taboo has to be broken, and politicians should fight against it the same way as some of them do against drugs or alcohol.
Had to get this off my chest.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Here goes everything...
« on: August 18, 2015, 05:33:14 PM »
again, doing the right thing. Glad you found your way here. You'll get a lot of answers to your questions on this forum.
It sure helped me a lot.
Wish you strength and courage.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Brain Fog - NO MORE!!!
« on: August 18, 2015, 05:20:51 PM »
 I'm thinking more clearly every day. It gives me peace of mind that I haven't felt for a long time. The chase after the P rush, is over.True, sometimes some of those images flash through my head, but now I'm able in shutting off. Don't feel anxious about that either. No desire for P , and keeping my brain busy. It pays off. You all are being really helpful. Much appreciated.
I agree, Gabe's video's , changed a lot for us. This guy deserves a medal.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 18, 2015, 04:29:19 PM »
another thing I want to share with you all,
when I was beginning to heal myself, I was just as selfish, as when I was PMO'ing. The only thing that mattered, was to get rid of P, as soon as possible. It took all my energy for weeks. One time at the therapist, my wife was asked how she felt at that moment.
She literally bursts out in tears, but couldn't really tell why. The therapist asked her "Maybe, because he really sees you now for the first time?".
that was really an eyeopener for me.
I think we sometimes forget that there is often a loved one involved, who can be easily forgotten, when you're completely lost in your recovering process. Our success in recovering has every thing to do with the full support of our partners. When we show that we "see" her (or him), it 'll smoothen the way to reconnect, again. In my case I needed my wife's support, a 100%.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 16, 2015, 04:06:20 PM »
Same here. Becoming totaly honest was the right choice.get Some weight off your shoulders.
It 'll show your respect to your partner .after all , they didn't ask for this

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 15, 2015, 05:25:11 PM »
Well, it's good to hear that you're doing the right thing.I know it is a huge struggle, you have to go through.
Are you thinking of letting your wife know already.? In my opinion , it can make it a lot easier for you.
Get that weight off of your shoulders, talking, or even fighting with your partner, is healing.
Keep up the progress

Ages 40 and up / Re: New life begins
« on: August 15, 2015, 03:54:26 PM »
good to hear you're making progress, and not indulge yourself into the safety of old habits.M.O,ing is, at least in our case, not a good idea.
For me MO will go to PMO very easily.
Sorry to hear that your home life is such a mess.One thing you really don't need right now.
Try to stay focussed.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 15, 2015, 03:33:52 PM »
bango skank,

how are you doing so far ?

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 15, 2015, 02:23:01 PM »
Come on Bob, stay strong. You fought this one, that should make you feel're right to keep mind busy with something else.
It works good for me. How's your exercise going?

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 15, 2015, 10:51:22 AM »
Hi guys,
had a good day today. Also been quite busy, and kept myself busy, around the house.When I was alone today, I'd feel to have a choice in not giving in to old habits. Made me feel very confident and strong.I know now that I can slowly get past my former behavior.Last night I made love to my wife, and it was amazing.With all the right feelings.This energy I got back from her as wel,just great.You really can set the mind, to any way you want to. Guys, I know it's tough, but only you have the choice,in willing  to be a better person.
I'm determined to carry on like this.Keep you posted !

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 14, 2015, 04:24:16 PM »
Bango Skank,
I totally agree with Bob.
Women can sense all the small changes in behavior, when you try to hide stuff like that,from them. when she feels something's wrong, she might fill in the blanks herself and she might start to think other stuff is going on. (cheating f.e) My wife asked me many times to tell her what's going on. Then I finally opened up to her. When she became aware that i couldn't stop, she stopped confronting me. Due to lack of information, and the times Were different.. At that time  (10 yrs ago) this problem had more to do with the wife rather than with the man. So they said.It made her feel very sad and insecure, eventually it ate her up inside.On my part, I did believe I could get away with it. It was just something, healthy guys do. Really didn't see a problem.
Wrong !
Be honest to you partner, at all times with no exceptions. Make her understand how severe this problem really is for you.
Start this journey together, even when you think it's impossible to open up. Believe me, I've been there.

I really don't think of it as a mistake, to reach out to other people, who are close to you, or with whom your are comfortable with.
Especially, when your partner shut the door.It is, in my opinion, very important to keep talking and reflecting.I came down the same road, as many more here, and literally hit rock bottom.As soon as I opened up to another person, it felt like a relieve.Sure I understand her anger and frustration.After all it is a huge chunk to deal with.With your p addictive behavior, you took away her trust, and respect.
She feeling as alone and insecure as you are.
In my opinion, the only way right now is to work on yourself. Focus on healing and make sure you understand your addiction.
When you are desperate, you have to work on yourself, before you can help your partner.I'm really sad to hear, that she is not planning on educating herself. It's impossible to make you partner happy, when you're  not.
I'm truly grateful that my wife is very supportive, and I don't think how this would end, when I had to deal with it alone.
You need support, one way or the other, from another human being, I'm sure !
I hope that we, on this forum can be some sort of support for you, and please feel free, to share.
For me this forum is truly a revelation.
Know you are not alone in this.Hope to hear from you, wish you the best!

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 13, 2015, 06:56:03 PM »
dear friends,
thank you for the kind words.My wife was also touched by your replies.i'm more and more relaxed every day.This evening I went out for a couple of hours, to have a drink with some friends, and my wife was still there when I came home.
She used to be in bed when I came home late at night, but now she wants to see me, and talk to me.
Formerly I came home and turned to PMO, when she was in bed , but now everything has changed. this gives me such a good feeling !
I just want to say, that I no longer walk on my too's inside the house, cause I haven't got nothing to hide anymore.This is really liberating.
I'm open and honest in everything towards my spouse, one thing I never did before.
No PMO or even MO in weeks.
Working hard to reboot my brain right now.Thanks again for your support, and hope to talk to you soon.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 12, 2015, 05:42:13 PM »
Right now I' m doing oké.My wife and I talk a lot, and she supports me .
Feeling good about myself, and  selfesteem is rising.Read in another post that MO can lead to PMO.
I agree,for me the connection is made too easily.I only want to concentrate on my partner.Although she oké with MO.
Keep sharing.

Ages 40 and up / Re: SMS -
« on: August 12, 2015, 05:08:40 PM »
I know how strong a marriage can be, cause I still have one.
My wife currently is doing all she can, to understand what's going on with my p addiction.
Couldn't agree more with SMS. I'm so grateful to her, being so supportive and loving.
Many years I've treated her with little respect, and took everything for granted.
So Guys, that's what p addiction does to your brain.
There's no substitute for a respectful and loving relationship.P is a poison in the brain , that makes you numb for the things that really matter in life.
I love my wife to death, she picked me up and made clear to me that we will fight this thing
together, cause I know, and am very aware NOW, that she loves me.
My self esteem rising every day, and I'm enjoying the little things in our family.
We're not there yet, but I'm sure we will win this battle.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 11, 2015, 04:33:41 PM »
Hi Bob,
I've been reading your posts for a while now, and I can very much relate to your story.
My wife, also on this forum as 'Hoopvol", pointed out you wrote a reply on her journal. She now is very supportive, and understanding towards me.
Almost every day, since we are on this forum, we talk. Seeing her fight for our relationship,makes me stronger every time.
The letter she wrote, keeps me going !
You're right not to resign to MO.Nothing works better for me, than a clear, and busy mind.
Enjoy the simple things in life, and know that you're doing a good job in sharing with us.

Ages 40 and up / Re: newbie
« on: August 07, 2015, 06:19:42 PM »
thanks for your reply!
It's good to know that there are quite a few out there , having the same struggle. Not a good thing though, seems to me that the porn issue is getting bigger every day.Internet has sky rocketed my abuse for sure.I'm currently talking about my addiction, to my wife every day.I'm so glad and thankful that she is so understanding.I'm convinced that we can fight this together.To me , honesty and opening up to your partner is key.
We now can have sex on an unconditional and loving way.I'm more and more relaxed in and around the house. Not worrying that she may discover anything of my hidden agenda, that used to be there.
A few weeks ago I had a nearby relapse, but was able to turn it around.It made feel sick inside and pulled me downTold my wife , and after all, it was the best thing to be honest. Hope to gain the trust that we used to have together as partners.
My writing in English may not always be correct. It's a foreign language for me.

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