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Messages - hoopvol

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Hi Sickofit,

I just read a post by Bob, that might be helpfull:
It's a message to " Punk Munk"

Please keep visiting this forum. It will help you to educate yourself. Know you're not alone!

EDIT: I put the link in directly to the comment to User Punk Monk - Gabe Deem

Ages 20-29 / Re: Regaining Control of MY Life!
« on: August 12, 2015, 05:47:58 AM »
Hello Zalliek22,

good you found your way to this site. Eduction is now vey important and it can help your girlfriend as well. Watching Gabe's video's together helped me to understand, what was happening in his brain (I'm a partner, btw) It helped me to understand, that he wasn't watching p, because he was looking for something/someone better than me. It still took me some time, but it certainly helped.
You will find a lot of support here and you will realize there are so many others like you. I wish you all the strength you need to fight this and I wish you and your girlfriend a bright future. Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to reading your progress here!

We read a lot of books ourselves and that was really helpful as well. I think the most important part is, that you talk to your partner and that we educate ourselves. One way or another.  You are so right: knowing we're not alone helps as well. I'm so glad we found this site. I felt alone for so many years, but now we are able to share.
Wish you all the best and hope you and your partner will recover from this!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: I THINK I'M DONE
« on: August 11, 2015, 03:17:58 PM »
Hope to see you on this side, soon!! You're so right: he has to see he has a problem, otherwise there's nothing to fix. You have a lot of healing to do yourself, as well. I' ve been thinking a lot about you, these last couple of days. Talked to my husband about you as well. We truly wish the best for you and your children.

I'm so sorry, you lost her, but Gracie is absolutely right: you have to heal for you...
You will notice the difference and so will people around you. It might not get your girlfriend back (or maybe there's a chance it might), but you will get (control of) your life back. And that's even more important. I wish you all the best and
I hope to read about your progress in your journal... keep up the good work!!

I just read your own reply: education, was what really helped me to understand. We watched Gabe's video's together and it helped me to understand, what was going on in his brain. It also taught me, that he didn't watch p because I wasn't good enough. I don't know whether, you will speak to her again or not. I hope you get the chance to educate her. Keep educating yourself as well..... again: keep up the good work. You will find a lot of support here.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 11, 2015, 01:23:35 PM »
Hello Bob,

thanks for your kind words! It is a coincidence, that of all the rebooters, you wrote a reply in my journal:
the day before you wrote it, my husband told me about you. He read your journal an replies and your story is very similar to his. I  really appreciate it, that you read the posts on the partner-section of this forum as well.
And you are right: English is not my native language: we are Dutch. This makes it a bit harder to express ourselves and it takes a bit more time to get thoughts and feelings "on paper". And Google translate doesn't really help.  ;)
All the best to you and your wife as well!!!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 09, 2015, 09:55:49 AM »
small update: again a sign (two signs) things are changing:

a couple of days ago we were going through some old photo's. Holidays, birthdays, trips we made in the past, etc. you know what I mean. Afterwards he told me he felt very sad; he saw the photo's and realized how I must have felt during some of these holidays, for example. This was the first time he was capable of feeling empathy, the first time he tried to understand how I must have felt. To me that's a big change. He never thought about how I felt. An addiction (I think any addiction) makes you selfish. He told me, that he was selfish most of the time, always preoccupied. Now he doesn't even understand how he could be this way. That tells me, something is really changing in his brain. I'm very grateful he now has the courage to tell me about this. I know the feeling of shame and quilt sometimes get in the way. In the past he didn't talk about things, because he was afraid of the consequences, afraid of hurting me even more. Now he knows he doesn't have to be scared and that by not telling me, he is hurting himself.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Been a tough road
« on: August 09, 2015, 09:10:21 AM »
I understand from your posts, that your wife doesn't know, what's going on? I don't know how your relationship is, of course, but she seems to be a loving an understanding person. At this moment, you are fighting this thing on your own. If you tell her about it, it can become something you fight together. A wife/girlfriend often feels or senses, there's more going on. I certainly did and it made me very insecure. When he finally told me everything, it was devastating, but also a relief: I finally knew what had changed the man I thought I knew so well and that I wasn't seeing ghosts. I was shocked by his confessions, but what was even worse, was the constant lying. That did more harm, then the facts themselves. I don't know your situation well enough, but to me it was very comforting, that he finally was telling the truth. It made it possible to talk about it and for me to be supportive. It was't easy at first, as you might understand, but it was totally worth it. If you do decide to tell her about it: be completly honest, don't serve the truth in little bits and pieces. Yes it hurts, but it can heal. I always compare to an open wound: when you keep scratching it, it won't become a scar. We know it will always be part of us, but as long as it is a scar, it doesn't hurt. Scars can even make you more beautiful and stronger! Sometimes our scar starts to bleed a little bit, but by being honest and open, we can stop the bleeding. Gabe's video's can help you to explain to her, what was happening to your brain. We watched them together and that was very helpful.
Whether you decide to tell her or not: I wish you all the best and hope to read more about your progress!!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: I THINK I'M DONE
« on: August 09, 2015, 07:45:31 AM »
Hello Chickaboomski,

i've been following your posts for some days now. I was in exactly the same place. Denial, it had nothing to do with me, etc etc.
It's been 1,5 years now since he finally realized he was addicted. I saw so many signs and I just knew. He did't/couldn't see how it affected me and our relationship. You are in a bad place now and the most frustrating part is, that he has to see the problem, before you can go anywhere. I hope you find the strength and the courage to hang in there. I know, things can change. We've been working on it for 1,5 years now and everything has changed. We are still " work in progress", though. When/if he sees the problem, you can work on it together. I always thought it was our problem, not just his. It all started with his addiction, but the effects on me and on us made, that I/we have to heal as well.
I wish you all the best and I hope to read some more hopeful (hoopvol in Dutch) posts from you in the future! 

Hello Olaf,

good you found your way to this forum and thank you for being so honest. I have a question: does your wife know about your addiction? Does see know about you using P? I am a partner myself and have known about my husband's pmo-ing for years. This made me very insecure and as a result of that I didn't enjoy having sex anymore. What caused a lot af damage as well, was the constant lying. When I read your journal, you say it started again because your wife turned cold. Maybe there is a reason for that. Have you ever talked to her about that? We talk a lot lately and it really helps us both. When she doesn't know and you decide to tell her, be prepared: she might get very upset, angry, etcetc. I've been there myself. But when you educate yourself and her, things can change. She might change as well. I know I did. I'm changing into the woman that i used to be. I'm not there yet, but getting there.
It might help you too, to look at yourself in a different way. I truly believe you are a better man, than the "faillure" you think you are. Your wife is still at your side and that should tell you something. When you can beat this, you'll start looking at other things in another way, too. It's not all about sex.
We both are very glad, we found this forum and know, that we are not alone. In a way it helps to know that there are many others fighting the same battle. (it's sad as well, of course)
I truly hope you will find the strength to overcome this. 

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Need help getting through this
« on: August 07, 2015, 05:45:34 PM »
Your story makers perfect sense to me. I felt the same. It went on for so long, that I was convinced I was unworthy to be loved. The video's Gabe posted, realy helped me. It's still difficult and I still feel anxious when he sees me naked (try to avoid it als much als possible). But we are on the right track now. It took me a long time, to believe him, when he said he realy loved me. It destroys everyting you used to be. I myself used to be very confident and sure of myself. But years of rejection does real harm. Please try to believe, you are still the person you were before. Eventualy he will see you that way too. It takes a lot of work on his part, don't get me wrong! But when he does his share, try stop being angry and hurt. It will help you both. I wish you a lot of strength and wisdom. Please try to become you again!!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Something needs to change
« on: August 07, 2015, 12:03:22 PM »
Hello Art,

something needs to change: it really does.... It's such a shame, a guy like you has to struggle with this addiction. It is really causing problems for a lot of young guys, like you. It breaks my heart to read your story. I hope you can overcome this and I hope, you can change the way your brain is working right now. I don't know whether you saw the video's Gabe posted? This really made a lot of sense to me. He explains very clearly en openly, what happens in your brain. It can get better and I hope you will find the strength to "repair" yourself. Your life will change, but before you get the reward, you will have to fight. I wish you all the best and hope to see your progress in your journal!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Been a tough road
« on: August 06, 2015, 04:19:25 PM »
Good you found this site. It's heart breaking to read about your struggle with drugs. You are so right: this information is way overdue. I'm so glad we found this (I'm a partner btw) and it 's realy helpfull to read about the science-part of it. For me it helps me to believe, it's not me being not good  enough. I hope you and your wife get your life back.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 06, 2015, 04:01:15 PM »
Thanks chpcbr! I don't want to take all the credit, though... I stumbled across a letter from another woman on the internet and it seemed a good way to let him know how I felt. I was scared, because I didn't know how he would react and feel about it. After reading he started to cry his eyes out.
Then he gave me a big hug and told me, it was the most loving thing, that anyone had ever done for him. We are doing much better now.

Dear "wife",

i've been there myself... it surely is a tough journey. From your words I sense a lot of love for your husband and that's very important. It also makes it very hard. Try not to be angry all the time (that eats you up inside). It's not always easy to be supportive and understanding. I used this little trick: every time I felt anger bubbling up inside, I would just stop talking and take some time to get a grip. My husband knew I tried to stay calm like this, so the moments of silence weren't too awkward. It really helped us to keep talking in a manner, that made a difference. When i read the scientific explanation on this site, it helped me to see the man behind the addiction en not just the addiction and the harm it did.
Hang in there and take care of yourself as well....

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 06, 2015, 09:04:41 AM »
Letter to my husband:

I love you. You are the love of my life.

You are a companion and a wonderful father.

I love your warmth, your kindness, your helpfulness ...

But ....

Sometimes I want to run away screaming. Sometimes I do not want a relationship with any man, never again. I want to feel confident, to feel safe, dignified and beautiful. Once,  you made me feel that way.

Before I discovered your porn.

Before I realized what grip it has on you.

I've tried. I tried to accept it. I tried to ignore it. I tried to watch it with you. I hated it, but I loved you.

I tried to believe you when you say that I am the one that you want. I miss you, weep for you, as you look at a whole range of images of women with which I could never compete.

I tried to convince myself that it is nothing. I tried not to feel bad when I realize that you'd rather have sex with the fantasy in your head, then with the woman in your bed. I tried not to feel rejected.

I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things., that I overreacted. Attempting to believe, when you tried to convince me that there was nothing to worry about. It is a pity that I know your dear face too well.

I tried to feel sexy. Tried not to feel so awkward and uncomfortable. Tried not to think that my body is not good enough.

I tried to shrug my shoulders if you were interested in another woman, and gave her the attention I craved. Tried to believe that you really did not want anything with that person, but your actions showed otherwise.

But ...

I have also tried other things.

I tried to punish you. I tried by fight or silence.

I tried to look at you with disgust. I tried to hate you.

I've always tried to catch you. I went trough your phone, computer, and even checked our bedroom. Like a detective in in our own home.

I tried to talk to you, cried and shouted.

I tried to keep quiet.

I tried to think about a life without you.

I tried to imagine how the children would react if we were no longer together.

I'm so tired of trying.

I wish that you could really realize what porn is doing to us.

I wish you could understand that I often already know the answer when I ask your a question.

I wish that you could not lie so easily.

I wish we could just make the pain go away.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and not fall in love with you, that we never started our life together.

But I can’t  disappoint you.

I can not leave you and I can not hurt you.

I sometimes feel so helpless and scared, weak and worthless, ugly, embarrassed, old, used, tired, sad and alone.

I love you; I want to be able to trust you.

I hope it all works out.

I hope that you can wrestle yourself free from the grip that porn has on you and on us.

I hope, someday, I will be able to show myself to you again naked, without worrying to be compared to all the pictures you have seen and that are in your head as well.

I hope that our sex life can become bright, carefree, cheerful and even naughty like it used to be.

I hope that we will be happy again.

I hope that I'll ever be able to trust you unconditionally again

Because I love you. Because you are the love of my life.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / there is hope
« on: August 06, 2015, 08:30:09 AM »
First, I want to express my admiration for Gabe and his work on this site. It is very beneficial for us, to see that we are not alone and that this topic is being discussed so openly.

We have been married almost 20 years and have three beautiful, wonderful children. All the ingredients for a happy life. Lately, we are certainly working very hard, to find this happiness again.
Our story is quite long, but I will try to limit myself to the most important moments.
The first time that I found his hidden stash, I was devastated. My knight in shining armor fell from his horse. (is that an expression in English?) This was at a time in my life where I myself was not feeling too well: I had just given birth, we had just moved and because of that, I had to quit my job.. All this made that I was not the person I used to be. When I confronted him with my discovery, he said it was the first time and he was just curious. He later stated that he did it because he thought our relationship at that time was not really good. I was very disappointed that he was not talking to me about it, to find out what was going on, but he fled into porn. He promised me then that he wouldn’t do it again. The years that followed were a series of discoveries, confrontation, denial, excuses, sorry again and promises to never do it again. After the final confrontation (10 years ago) I came to the conclusion that this could not go on like this. It was tearing us apart. I turned to the Internet and looked for help. The only responses to questions from women in the same situation were: 1. You're a prude. Every (real) man is watching porn, it’s  healthy 2. He looks at porn, because you’re not giving him what he needs .... Work on yourself to be attractive to him so he does not need porn. I came to the conclusion, that is was because of me: it wasn’t a real problem, I made it a problem. Therefore, I made the decision to accept it as something that just belonged to him and  would never stop. It was impossible for me to accept it, so instead I chose to ignore it. Eight lonely years, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it (not even to him) I usually knew exactly when he was looking; you develop an extra sense. All intimacy slowly disappeared in those years. At first sex was less in quantity but also in quality. That was partly because of me too, because I could not enjoy the sex: I was always afraid to be compared with what he had seen on his screen. He started to avoid sex, and ultimately, all intimacy disappeared: a certain look, a little touch; we could not even look each other in the eyes anymore. To the outside world we were the perfect couple and that was often told to us. But they only saw a hollow shell. The ED was now a fact. I began to think that maybe he had a physical problem, or that he just could not make love to ME. When I found further evidence that he was surely capable of ejaculation, it was clear: he is not able to have sex with me.  That was the moment I felt the need to talk to him about it and I indicated to him that I knew he could not make love to me and (worse) I also understood him, because I was not attractive enough. (heart breaking, but that’s what it had finally done to me). He didn’t really react then; now I know, that is was very hard for him, because of the shame,  I turned to the internet for answers and more information about ED. And there it was in the top three of causes of ED: excessive consumption of porn. Then everything became clear to me! After many discussions and a month later he finally confessed: he was addicted and he had been using porn since the age of 12/13 yrs. That all happened 1,5 years ago and much has changed since. We went to a therapist together and a year later (after relaps) we went for the second time around. We now know that we have to do it largely on our own. I try to support him as much as possible and not to get angry during our conversations. About 6 months ago I saw a letter on the internet,(a wife wrote it to her partner)  which I could have written. I used this letter as a template for my own letter to my husband and gave this to him. The letter really touched him and it was also clear to him what had happened to me and more important: to us. With the letter I also gave him silver pendant containing a small note with the last words of my letter on it. He uses it as extra support: he holds the pendant, whenever he feels anxious. This really helps him.
I translated the letter (we are Dutch) and posted it as a reply so you know what I’m talking about. A few weeks later I received a letter from him with a pendant with a very loving  message inside. And this really helps me.

We watched Gabe’s video’s together and we decided that we both would register on this site. We feel, we can help others and by doing so, help ourselves as well. We’re not there yet, but we have come a long way. Now ,we don’t have sex anymore: we make love!
I want to end by saying again ,that I am very glad I found this site ... .. If it would have  been here 10 years ago, the past 10 years of our lives would have been very different.
I wish you all a lot of strength: it can be done!!

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