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Messages - hoopvol

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: September 23, 2017, 04:35:06 PM »
Hi RN,

You haven't heard from me for some time.... I recently found a Dutch forum and it's easier for me to write in my native language. I'm still reading your posts and you keep inspiring me!  Thank you all for that.
My partner and me are still working on things. Mostly communication: I think we all know that can be a problem.

Thanks again and lots of love from the Netherlands!!!

I will switch to Dutch now to invite Dutch ladies to the new forum:

Ik wil Nederlandse of Nederlands sprekende dames graag uitnodigen voor het nieuwe forum:

Dit is een forum voor partners van seksverslaafde/pornoverslaafde mannen en/of overspelige mannen. We zijn nog niet met veel, maar dat kan natuurlijk nog komen. De beheerster van het forum heet Annet. Zij is een counselor en zal je met raad en daad bijstaan. Ze heeft het hele forum afgesloten voor de buitenwereld: Wanneer je je aanmeldt, zal ze eerst een bel-afspraak maken, om er zeker van te zijn, dat je geen internet-troll bent. Wat je op het forum post, is ook alleen te zien voor de leden, die al geaccepteerd zijn. Het forum is dus heel veilig en anoniem. Tijdens dat eerste telefonische contact mag je je verhaal doen, maar dat hoeft helemaal niet.......
Weet in ieder geval, dat je niet de enige bent en dat je van harte welkom bent!!



Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: May 13, 2017, 04:18:41 PM »
Hoi EB,

I recognize myself in your words: for over 8 years I stopped confronting him about his P-use. It was the only thing we argued about. After a really bad incident (about 12 yrs ago), the usual pattern started again: days of silence, the apologies and finally the promise he wouldn't do it again. Only to find out two weeks later, that he was at it again. That was the moment i realized he wouldn't stop. I asked myself wether is was worth loosing our entire relationship and I decided I didn't want the P to take everything away from me. Back then I thought it was nothing more than a habit, something most men did. If had known back then, what I now today, everything would have been very different from there on.
During the first conversation about our problems (it was more like a monologue, actually) I didn't even use the word Porn. (3,5 yrs ago. I just noticed he needed a lot of attention from other women and that he was not interested in me. I told him that I was ready to let him go, so that he could go and find someone else. No one was happy in the situation we had gotten into: Non-existing sex life and loss of intimacy. The following day he was very distressed and he was very afraid to lose me. That was so confusing! I didn't know anything about PIED and I blamed everything on my body. It was only after that day, that I started to look for more information about ED and learned about PIED. All the pieces of the puzzle fell in place! So for over 8 years I was the enabler.. turning my head and trying to ignore what he was doing when he was out of sight. Looking back it was such a waste of time! But better late than never...

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Abusive relationship
« on: May 13, 2017, 03:52:33 PM »
Hi Serenety,

my husband was never abusive, not verbally nor physically. Not during his addiction and not during his reboot. It's not a symptom of pornaddiction! Please take care of yourself and find yourself a safe environment. You feel crippled, so please find help. Is there someone you can trust? Someone you can turn to? Someone in your family or a good friend? If not, maybe you can see a doctor and start from there.
You can't do this on our own.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: May 13, 2017, 04:52:44 AM »
Hi everyone,

I've been catching up on my reading. I haven't posted for months. I guess I needed some time.
We are seeing another therapist and I have to say, that things are changing now. This new therapist is a clinical psychiatrist, a relationship counselor and a sex therapist. AND he understands PA. And that was new to us. It's sad, that it took us 3 1/2 years to find him. We have to travel 2 hours every time, but we don't mind. This is the first therapist that treats us as a wounded couple and I'm part of the process. With the other 3 therapists I was a bystander, someone who was allowed to be there, and at a certain point I even had to be the cheerleader: telling my partner how well he was doing en keeping him in a positive state of mind. Or else.... there was the danger of relapse! That was so bad for the relationship: I couldn't talk to him about my struggles anymore. That would make him feel bad about himself. But the stupid reality is, that he didn't relapse when he felt bad; he relapsed when things were going better. When our relationship started to improve and even our sex live was getting better. "When things go well, It goes wrong". That makes it very difficult to trust again and to relax.
The new therapy is now focusing on communication. He has to learn to talk about difficult things.
I think we are on the right path now and I hope we reach a point were we can get some of the unconditional happiness back, that we lost so long ago.
Gracie, I want to thank you for sharing the podcast. I've listened to it and I pointed it out to my husband. He will listen to it soon (or maybe we will do so together). I really recognized so much.

ps: Months ago I posted about an Experiment by a Dutch University and I said I would keep you posted. My husband volunteered to participate, but it took so long before they could start, that he is no longer a good candidate: He is P-free over year now!! We saw adds in the paper, that they were looking for volunteers and wondered why he didn't hear anything. Now they struggle to find enough PA-s, who are willing to participate, to start the experiment....  :-[

Hi Emerald,

I've been away for some time and just received a PM from someone I really appreciate. This was the last push I needed to start posting again.
Anyway: I just wanted you to know, that I really respect how much you have grown over time. You really got this one: we can't control what they look at. Not  on the internet, not on TV, not in magazines or on billboards etc. It all comes down to trust and that's the hardest part of our recovery and it takes time.

Keep being who you are!!


Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Trickle down disclosures
« on: October 13, 2016, 10:19:06 AM »
Hi Stillme,

I've been away from RN for some time, because I needed a break, but I have been reading your posts lately. I just want to tell you how sorry I am to read this... You don't deserve this!!
Lots of love and strength!!!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: How can I help my partner
« on: August 25, 2016, 07:56:46 AM »
Hi Concerned,

first of all: welcome!! It's always a bit sad to say that to a new member, but I'm glad you found us!!
I think, the most important thing now is, to educate yourself and him. Understanding the nature of this addiction is sometimes very hard for a partner and all the info on this site and on YBOP helped us both.
He has started his reboot and that's good thing!
But his believe that he "needs P and always has been that way" is not. No one needs it; it's not natural, so why should anyone need it. Maybe he thinks he needs it now, but that's the way his brain is working now and that's why all the info on this site is helpful: to make him understand he doesn't need it.
Read posts by others, watch the videos and read journals by others partners. Try to get him to read/watch them too. Maybe it will help you guys to talk about it in a constructive manner.
About your question about what you can do to help: try to be patient, try to keep communicating, try to be close to him in ways that aren't per se sexual. (have fun together!)
I hope you to will find a way to get through this and get the relationship you deserve!


Hi Sadness,

So sorry to read your story!! But I would like to welcome you to this site. It has  helped both me and my husband a lot. It helped me to understand the nature if this addiction. We watched the videos together and they made it easier for us to talk about everything. I haven't been very active lately, but i keep reading posts by others on a daily basis. I personally don't share the experience of being victimized by other rebooters on this forum. In fact, I've had contact with some rebooters on a more personal level (personal messages) and got to know some of them a bit more. PA's aren't all perverts. Yes, bad choices were made, people got hurt and relationships suffer, but a lot of rebooters are aware of these consequences and are trying to fix themselves and their relationships; some of them are really concerned about their wife's/girlfriend's wellbeing and are willing to do what is needed.
You could always choose to communicate through personal messages in stead of posting in public, if that feels safer for you. I'm sure, there a a lot of us, who would be glad to support you in this battle. I know I am.
I have to agree with Augusta: take care of yourself and your baby. You can't fix him; he has to be willing to do that himself. But you can work on yourself. I think, that's something we all learned at some point.
I hope you'll find the strength you'll need and I hope your partner will open up and be honest about this. That's the first an most important step.


Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 04, 2016, 05:32:16 PM »
Hi Bob and Sender,

Bob, thanx for your encouraging words!! I follow your posts and you should be proud of yourself!!

Sender: I totally agree. That's why I compared it to alcohol: you have to go out and have to be a certain age to buy it; it's not available at any time, any variety, unlimited and for free. Some partners didn't even realize it was there; right in our homes. But blocking it completely won't work, I'm afraid. There will always be ways to get past the filters. That's why I think educating our kids is the most important tool we have. We already talked to ours and it wasn't as awkward as we feared. I have to admit, that I put a filter (Open DNS) on our router. I did this, because my husband asked me to. It gives him more peace of mind, knowing he can't just click and watch. But I think, there are a lot of parents out there, who don't know the danger or don't want to know. That's why I'm glad we did the interview. I believe you were interviewed by Lee as well? Thank you for taking time to raise awareness.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Colorless days - forever?
« on: August 04, 2016, 12:51:00 PM »
Hi Stillme,

please keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Especially now, when you are in this dark place. Reaching out to others can do so much good. Just knowing, you are not the only one and "talk" to others who understand what you are going through is so important. (at least it was and is to me) I realize I'm lucky: I have a close friend, that I can talk to now. She doesn't understand it all, but she tries en she doesn't judge. She asks all the right questions and is willing to learn from this.
Stillme, if you decide to stay away: I wish you the best of luck and all the strength you'll need, but I hope to see you again, here on RebootNation.

ps: do you know: 

It's especially for partners. That's what brought me here. I saw an interview with Gabe on that site

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: August 04, 2016, 09:29:08 AM »
Hi everyone,

we did the interview with Lee and here's the article:

As you may understand, I'm "Volpool". Just for the record: I did say, that it is very frustrating, that P (or P-subs) is everywhere. (the beer bottles around the house) But I also said, that I don't believe in blocking P. We educate our children about alcohol, drugs, junkfood, etc and I think P should be in that list as well. Education is the only thing we can do to arm our sons against P and make our daughters aware.
I know there are people around who believe blocking P is the answer, so I don't mind it looks like I said that. It needs to be said. (it's anonymous anyway ;))
I would like to thank Lee for his efforts to raise awareness!! Glad we could be part of it....

btw: Hubby is 3 yrs younger in the article. He doesn't mind ;D

Hi Cat,

first: welcome to RN. I always feel sad, when a new member signs in, but it's a good thing you found us! We all recognize the rollercoaster you are on. It's hard to understand why our SO's need p so bad, that they seem to be unwilling to give it up. Have you seen the videos Gabe posted on youtube and here on RN as well? To me, educating myself was very helpful. It made me understand a bit more about what was going on in his head. That is wasn't about me. I wasn't the reason he watched P. But in the end, I suffered because of it (we both did)
I'm glad that you two are talking!! Communication is everything!
Stay strong and don't lose yourself....

Hi Neuroguy,

I'm a partner myself and I can understand how your wife is on a rollercoaster right now. I think it's good you told her about this, but it is hard for her to understand. What helped me, was watching Gabe's videos together. They made me understand what happens to someone, when watching P becomes a problem.
For now: try to understand her. Maybe you can read some of the journals in the partner section of this forum. It may help you to understand what she's going through. What makes it even more complicated in your case, is the fact that she gave birth to you son just two months ago. 
Don't have much time now, but I will check in later.

take care and I'm glad you found this site!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Gaslighting
« on: July 08, 2016, 08:29:02 AM »
Hi Trust,

Did you even get any help to deal with the abuse in the past? For me the whole struggle of my partners PA was bad enough without having to deal with something like that. Maybe you should see a counselor for yourself as well? To help you deal with your past en your present.
Back to the gas lighting: I was in the same situation: but when you confront him with certain things, you think happened and he denies, you'll find yourself in a really difficult place. It's a bit unfair as well: you want him to admit to something, but he has no way of telling  you what you want to hear. When he denies, you don't believe him and when he admits (hopefully not!!) you will get hurt again. See what I mean? I now accepted that my husband left things out, because he didn't want to hurt me more, than he had already done. When I could do that, I was able to leave those questions in the past (where they belong) and started looking forward. I know you just started this journey and it took me a long time to get this far.
I only hope, that you'll reach the end of this bumpy road in good health!
Try to keep calm and keep communicating. And most of all: keep loving (yourself as well)

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: July 08, 2016, 06:09:13 AM »
Hi everyone,

thanks for your positive reactions. I will show the replies to him. I'm sure it will do him so much good.
Thanks again!!

Hi NwaltRed,

Thank you so much for your latest post in this thread!! If you were here in front of me now, I would give you a big motherly hug!! It takes a lot of courage to apologize like this..Thank you for that. Do you know what caused your distrust of women? Maybe you could go back to the source and (with some help) recover from anything that happened to you in the past?
I hope you'll learn very soon, that there are a lot of women and girls out there, that aren't bitches with a hidden agenda. I only hope you will recognize her, when you meet her. Best of luck to you!!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Gaslighting
« on: July 07, 2016, 12:20:57 PM »
Emerald Blue,

you always seem to find the right words....
I drew a line for myself: I'm sure I still don't know everything and I'm not even sure I want to. I just have to believe, that in the future he will be honest and open. I want to look into the future and not think about the past too much. Sometimes you can't help yourself, but I found ways to make a u-turn in my head and stop thinking " what if....?"
Like yourself I'm trying to find some peace of mind realizing I don't know everything. As long he doesn't create "new lies" I think/hope I can handle it.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: July 07, 2016, 11:23:43 AM »
Again a little update:
I'm so proud of my husband... He did it!! He asked a good and trusted friend (face to face) to be his accountability partner. He is even going to a counseling session with him. Then he (the friend) has an idea of what is expected of him and how he should/could react if my husband reaches out to him. After that he will make a decision. I think it's very good, that he makes a decision based on as much information as he can get. It only shows how serious he takes it. Asking this friend to be his buddy was one of the hardest things my husband has ever done!!
After that he volunteered to take part in a study of a Dutch University. They want to study the effects P has on the (addicted) brain. We don't have all the information yet, but the I think it's great he volunteered. The only thing, that worries him (us), is the possibility that he will have to look at P during the scans they'll make. We don't know yet, but we'll keep you informed. Maybe he can contribute to the scientific understanding of this addiction.

Hi everyone,

When I read the latest posts on this thread, I feel a bit sad. I'm sure this is not what Bob had in mind, when he started it. Most people here on this section of the forum are in longterm relationships and still are in these relationships, because there is so much to fight for. We fight together with our SO's to overcome all of this and recover from the pain and grief PA has caused us. This is something we do together: men an women. We come here for support; both to give and to receive support. It's always good to welcome rebooters on this side of the forum, to get insight and input, we otherwise wouldn't get.
But again: we fight this thing together; It's not about men vs women.

Hi Stillme,

great post. I'm also one of the "lucky" ones, and I think everyone should read this!
Thank you for taking the time and share this with all of us!!

Women / Re: My journey to restoration
« on: June 27, 2016, 01:08:55 PM »
Hi Objectified1,

I can so relate to you post!! I think we depend too much on our partners for our happiness. If he would only do this or say that.... When he doesn't do the right thing (or does the wrong things) we go down that same cliff again. I hope, that eventually I will be able to trust him enough again to believe he won't do anything that will make me unhappy. Until that time I must take care of myself.
Try to see the positive in little things that happen to us each day as well. We're sometimes too caught up in all the negative thoughts, that we don't see them anymore. I had to teach myself to go through my day overnight and search for those positive things. Not just in your relationship, but it can be anything. It helps you to get your feet back on the ground. There is still light in this darkness.
It makes you stronger and maybe it makes it easier to do the right things (communicating....). Remember, we have a lot of healing to do and it takes time.
I really hope you'll feel better soon!!!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: there is hope
« on: June 22, 2016, 11:26:26 AM »
Hi everyone,

checking in again. We are doing much better now. We both have our own counseling and I must say, that counselors are picking up on this problem. I get the feeling they take it more seriously. The first two therapists we went to (together) took it all a bit too lightly. There was no relapse-prevention-plan and after the sessions ended we were on our own again. With the famous last words: " Don't worry, You'll be fine".
My husband is going to ask a good friend to be his buddy / accountability partner. A huge step for him, because he would like to keep it between the two of us. The therapist he sees now, told him it was a bad idea to have his own wife as a buddy. It would make it harder to confess certain things. For him, a relapse usually starts with flashbacks of certain p-scenes and it's easier to tell someone else, then your own partner about this. When he can do that, he can prevent a full-blown relapse. He's afraid to tell me about it, because he thinks it will hurt me again.
I've always been aware of the possibility of these flashbacks and we've talked about this in the past, but they still freak him out and make him feel a failure. But I think it's a huge win, if he's able to withstand the temptation after these flashbacks and stay away from P. He's done it before. When he stays away from P long enough the flashbacks should  become less frequent.
My therapy has ended now and it was good to talk to someone, who understood and who realizes what kind of impact this all has on him, on me and on us. Someone who understood and was able to teach me some thing to make me stronger!! I also talk about this with a colleague, who happens to be a close friend. She really tries to understand and asks the right questions and doesn't judge him or me. I know you all understand and this forum is very valuable, but talking to someone in person is even better. I can recommend it!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« on: April 05, 2016, 01:03:58 PM »
Hi Hans,

I'm a partner and I can tell you, that a man changes when he's "on Porn". When you manage to stay away from it, you'll notice changes in you, that aren't just about your performance. You'll become more attractive, you'll have more energy (eventually) and it changes the way you look at women. When you manage to stay away from P, you'll become a better version of "you" and she will find that very attractive. 8)

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Furious
« on: April 05, 2016, 12:57:45 PM »
Hi EB,

I see you also have to deal with a lot of anger. And we have every right to be angry. But... I do believe that lying is part of this/any addiction. Addiction comes with shame and guilt, pretending everything is fine, trying to be someone you're not, hiding stuff, not telling whole truths. Don't get me wrong: an addiction is not an excuse, but (to me) it explains were the lying is coming from. My SO is a very gentle, decent guy and the only time he lies, is about the porn (or P-subs). I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him completely again, but that depends on his progress from now on. Time will tell.

I wish both of you will find some peace soon, cause this anger makes everything so hard.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Furious
« on: April 05, 2016, 12:15:11 PM »
Hi tanb,

so sorry you have to deal with the anger again! It's all consuming and it makes you feel hopeless. I felt it many times before and I'm still recovering from my last blast. But please keep in mind: This is not the good time to make important decisions.
Your story proofs (again), that the hiding and the secrecy makes everything much worse.
Hope you will feel better soon!!

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