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Messages - Punk Monk

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51
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 18, 2016, 10:59:58 PM »
Success!

The Missus came into the living room this afternoon with nothing on but the TV. Didn't need to be a genius to know what THAT meant.

Everything started off pretty good at first. And the Little Monk rose to the occasion! But I experienced a little bout of performance anxiety. Fortunately, it was nothing a little foreplay couldn't fix and I was back in the saddle in no time!

And I was actually able to climax in a normal amount of time.

Getting to The Point of No Return happened pretty naturally, though I still needed a brief mental boost to get me over the line and imagined my wife talking dirty to me.

I hesitate to ask her to do that in real life because she does so much already. Doesn't seem fair to ask her to change things because of my problem. Perhaps I'll bring it up in the future as my confidence grows.

But for now...I'll take the victories as they come! (Pun intended)

P. Monk

52
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 11, 2016, 07:16:02 PM »
A side effect of PIED is performance anxiety.

After my last couple of failed attempts, I was a little apprehensive about approaching The Missus for some weekend lovin'. Actually had some honest to God butterflies in my stomach - like a young boy during his first time.

But nothing can stop the truly horny!

Fortunately, there was no failure to launch and the Little Monk was able to rise to the occasion. There was, however, a failure to land as I wasn't able to finish.

But I don't really count this as a "failure" because for the first time in a long time, I was able to be present and engaged with my wife without going into my head. I was tempted, because she likes it when I finish. But at the same, I need to allow my brain to rewire correctly free from shortcuts and "cheats".

It was still fun. And an interesting side effect is that I feel a profound connection with and love for my wife right now. Because it was HER I was with, not some fake fantasy in my head.

I also think I'm experiencing a bit of a flat line. The arousal, while it is there, isn't quite as strong or present as it had been. So I'll take this as an indication that the rewiring process is working and will keep on keepin' on.

P. Monk

53
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: September 03, 2016, 04:04:12 PM »
the same wanker's vortex. 

That was my favorite episode of "Doctor Who"!  ;D (little bit of geek humor to take the edge off).

I feel like I've finally hit my "Rock Bottom". Just posted that, while I can at least get it up now, I still can't seem to get off. And as understanding as my wife is, I'm tired of watching her try to help me with something that's my problem. 

This should be the most natural, easiest thing in the world. Instead there's still this air of tension and performance anxiety that spills over. She doesn't deserve that and shouldn't have to deal with it.

So I've determined to kick this thing once and for all.

(Wish us luck!)

P Monk

54
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 03, 2016, 03:49:26 PM »
Whelp.

The good news is that the PIED is gone.  I was able to get the party started with the Missus this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I'm still having trouble finishing. Keep wanting to go into my head to get some sort of "incentive" (visual or aural) to help me get to The Point of No Return.

Came close (HA!) but just couldn't get there. Which of course made me try harder, which in turn frustrated me  more, which made me try harder...

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

Wish there was some sort of magic bullet to help me get over this hump. But that's the problem with any psychological ailment. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain.

Man, this is annoying...

55
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: August 30, 2016, 09:30:36 AM »
Dude. It freaks me out how parallel our paths are.

I had a bit of PIED a couple of weeks ago and had to do a reset.

So...okay. Repeat after me "This is the last time we do that."

Monk

56
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 21, 2016, 10:05:37 PM »
Resetting my counter tonight.

Honestly, I've gotten cocky (pun intended).

While I haven't been fapping to porn subs, I've been sort of "stealth looking" and convincing myself it was no big deal. A topless photo here...a sexy picture there. I even flipped through a mature comic book where one of the characters looks like an idealized version of my wife.

But my wife doesn't have flawless skin or a perfectly drawn hourglass shape. And when we'd get intimate, I'd be calling on those images to get me through.

And it's taken its toll.

Last week, I couldn't get off. And today, I couldn't even get it up.

Now that could be due to some other things as well. I'm about to start a new job, so there's that. And my wife's been talking about having kids, so I may be putting pressure on myself to perform.

In any case, I need to rewire my brain and body to respond to stimuli in the real world...not in my head

Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive and understanding. She said something very enlightening today. She said "I always want to do it. I just don't think about it all the time."

That, my friends, is the desired natural state; to be ready and eager when the time comes, but not to have it sitting on the brain at all times.

Strangely, I feel reinvigorated by this experience. My goal is to be able to have an intimate relationship with my beautiful and loving spouse and give her the fully present experience she deserves.

Sure, I'm bummed I couldn't perform today.

But hey, that's only for today.

P. Monk

57
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: August 12, 2016, 12:54:07 PM »
Hey Andy,

Just came by to check in.  Sorry about the reset, man. Hang in there. Like I've said...the first few days are the roughest. If you can make it past that, it's all downhill.

And if you have that determination, you shouldn't have a problem.

Monk

58
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 05, 2016, 10:05:59 PM »
Yes! Exactly!

To good old health moderate wanking! (lifts beer mug)

59
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 04, 2016, 10:08:42 PM »
Interesting observation; now that I've removed the constraint on MO, I no longer feel the urge to do it.

Okay, that's not exactly true. I still get the urge. But now that I've given myself permission to do it, I no longer feel the immediate need to give into the urge. After all, there's always later. And when later comes, I find I'd much rather be doing something else.

Honestly, the mental shift has been quite liberating. Let's see how it plays into my actual sex life now...

Disclaimer: I AM NOT suggesting that one should give into satisfying the PMO Addiction. I'm slowly realizing that I've never been addicted to MO in and of itself.

60
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 02, 2016, 11:17:20 PM »
I decided to delete my Wanker Counter.

The Missus got her monthly visitation Sunday afternoon. Fortunately, we'd already had a roll in the queen-sized the night before, but I was hoping for a repeat performance. So, I took matters into my own hands.

And you know what? It was fine. Though there was some element of  "fantasy" to it, it was more of a rehearsal. What would I do next time? What would I like the missus to do? What would I like her to wear? What would I love to hear her say. All these things are in the realm of possibility and absolutely within my ability to make manifest.

The next day, there was a brief craving for an endorphin rush. But it settled itself.

And I'm very inspired by some of the dialogue with AndyNJ and RunToSpirit.

I chose not to see myself as an addict. Rather, as a healthy male who enjoys healthy male things. I do not crave them and they hold no power over me.

"...and doggone it, people like me!"  ;)

Monk

61
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: August 02, 2016, 11:01:10 PM »
Buddha nature is at my core -- not wanker-nature!

Of course! Bodhisattva versus Bodyslappa!

62
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: August 01, 2016, 10:50:12 AM »
Andy,

That's a very good point and quite a brilliant approach.

And you're right. There's a difference between "being an addict" (self image) and "engaging in addictive behavior" (self discipline).

Excellent work, sir!

63
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 01, 2016, 10:45:45 AM »
Indeed.

Thanks for sharing, Runto and Andy!

64
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: July 31, 2016, 12:40:50 PM »
Hey Andy,

Just dropped by to check in.

I get where you're going. As you said, the only important thing is that it works for you.

And because you didn't ask  ;D, I'll give you my completely unsolicited two cents!

I think freedom from addiction means that your habit does not control you.

For example, I've never had a drink to get a certain feeling. For me, it's part of the overall dining experience. Sometimes I like a good glass of wine with my steak or a cool stout beer with my hot wings. But I've never ever come home from a hard day and said "God, I need a drink".

As such, I do not crave alcohol. But I don't deny myself of it either.

If you can get to that point...you're well on your way.

Good luck, brother.

Monk

65
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 31, 2016, 12:19:39 PM »
Just a quick check in.

So far, things are going well.

My sex life with my wife is getting back to normal as we're both getting more relaxed about it. In fact, last week, for the fist time in months, she actually initiated things! And she did it again yesterday!

The only issue is that in an effort to prolong the pleasure (and not be a Minute Man), I intentionally try to hold off release. But in order to finally blow, I have to depend on imagination. However, it's usually an image of The Missus doing or saying something.

I feel it's somewhat PIED related in that it's still an inability to "go with the flow" ("blow with the flow"?) of the purely physical experience.

We also realized that according to the Marital Lunar Calendar, she's about to have a visit from Aunt Flo soon. Which means no sex in the champagne room for a few days. And that means I may have to take care of myself.

But lately, I'm starting to wonder if "No MO" is realistic or even healthy (note: I mean specifically for my case. I'm not suggesting that this is a bad idea for everyone in general). In my porn days, I was jacking it almost every day...sometimes several times a day. Now, if I do, it's every few weeks and usual more of an enhanced memory than a pure fantasy.

One of my Fellow Rebooters was saying that MO CAN be used as a way to keep the sex drive/sex life healthy...like "Spring Training" before the big game.  So I'm still contemplating this concept.

For now, I'll stick to my guns and lay off my pistol (HA!) as long as I can. If I hit the 30 day mark, great! But I won't beat myself up if I don't.

Monk

66
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 21, 2016, 12:56:32 PM »
Haven't posted in a while but things have been going pretty well.

I managed to hit my 30 day mark and avoided intentionally seeking provocative visual material (but God...does the modern world throw it at you!).

I also redid my counter to say "P and P Subs", mostly because I was tired of seeing it all grayed out. I haven't watched porn in over a year, but I guess "P subs" sort of covers that.  Extended the target to 45 days. Should be a problem.

Honestly, my biggest challenge is going to be not MO-ing. I've reset that damn thing twice already! Hopefully, third time's the charm.

P. Monk

67
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 11, 2016, 12:19:19 PM »
Crap!

Another reset on the MO Counter.

I just can't seem to keep my hands off of me.

After a week at my mother's, we got home to a visit from Aunt Flo. So, no sex in The Champagne Room again. Then I saw my wife getting dressed this morning and everything just let loose.

So...on the plus side, still no porn (unless a scantily clad wife counts) and no PIED. And I'm averaging about a spank every eight days (as opposed to every day).

Again...baby steps.

Monk

68
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: June 27, 2016, 09:28:31 PM »
Thanks!

I've actually been past the PIED part for some time. My problem now is that I can't get off without imagery...a little imagery playing in my head. That's the biggest impact the Porn Addiction has had on me.

That's why I have a "No MO" Counter. I still associate sex with fantasy. So I'm training myself to enjoy the act without the imagery. It's moving along slowly...but at least it's moving along.

69
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: June 27, 2016, 09:24:21 PM »
We do seem to by in sync, P-monk. For me the addiction has trailed off and desire rises purely when I'm not able to have sex with my wife as much as I'd like.  She has a medical condition that can make sex painful, and I don't want to cause her any pain -- so that's been the issue.

Sorry to hear that, Brother.  Hope she's okay, all things considering.

In a way, it's the same with us. When I first came clean about the Porn Addiction, my wife was very supportive. But she finally admitted that sex was stressful for her. And like you, I don't want to cause her stress. But that's impacted my performance because there are times I feel that I'm putting her through something. And that just kills my libido. Which in turn stresses her out because then she starts to wonder what SHE did wrong to make me go soft.

Quote
  We're dealing with it, and I'm escaping into PMO as I used to.  The more intimate you become with your significant other, the less need for PMO.

That last part is very important. And you are so right!

70
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: June 27, 2016, 12:02:59 PM »
Well, the wife was talking about getting a boob job, so I had myself a little fantasy encounter with the potential future.

Had to reset my masturbation counter as result.  :(

On the plus side, we had some bad ass sex yesterday with no issues.

So...yay, progress!


P.S....Anyone know why my counters are greyed out and how to fix it? It's driving me nuts!

71
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: June 27, 2016, 11:58:03 AM »
Geez! You too?

Just reset one of mine this morning. Like you said...not a terrible backslide, but it counts.

Good to hear about the progress. Same here.

72
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: June 15, 2016, 02:28:28 PM »
I've been paying attention to how the relapse affects the brain holistically. Not just in the desire to PMO or MO...but in the way we perceive and process things.

I've mentioned before that my wife is a recovering alcoholic. On Tuesdays, there's an AA meeting held in the building (and at the same time) as an Al-Anon meeting. So we go together. It's sort of our thing and we make a date night out of it.

Yesterday, an attractive woman came into our meeting. And the whole time she was sharing, all I could think about was having sex with her. My imagination ran pretty wild and, to its credit, was pretty vivid! But I thank GOD that no one could have read my mind! Otherwise they would have slapped a big ol' parental advisory sticker on my forehead! 

After the meeting, I found myself feeling this undercurrent of irritation at my wife. There was no reason for it. We both had a pleasant day at work and enjoyed our time together before the meeting.

Then it hit me. I'm mad at her for not looking like the woman in the meeting. This is a particular symptom of withdrawal for me. My wife is absolutely beautiful in her own right. But coming off of a relapse, I find that I resent her for not looking like my current lust object. I think that comes from the brain trying to "trick" the body into using again.

And I've been fighting the temptation to satisfy my cravings to the image of the woman from last night's meeting. The urges got pretty strong, but subsided after a while and I think I'm nearing equilibrium.

Just need to make it past the first few days...

73
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: June 15, 2016, 02:12:11 PM »
I'm thinking the best way to overcome it is to convince my wife to have more sex (perhaps the topic of a different discussion group!).

Let me know how you get that to work for you!

That is part of the self-centeredness that fuels this P problem.

You're absolutely. In fact, that's the selfishness (and childishness) of any addiction. "I'm not getting my way, so I'm going to indulge!" The medium might be different, but the mechanism is the same.

And as you pointed out, we don't really know what affect our addiction has had on them.  My wife told me earlier on...after I had come clean about the porn addiction...that sex stressed her out now, because she does't know what she needs to do to get me off. She doesn't know what image or idea in my head she's competing with.

Wow. That's a good point. Thanks for the reminder, AST...

74
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: June 13, 2016, 01:47:02 PM »
Well thanks for jinxing me, Andy.   :P  Had to reset my counter last night.

The Missus got her monthly visit which meant No Sex in the Champaign room this weekend. That would make it two straight weeks with no nookie. And while that's not the worst thing in the world, it just bugged me for some reason.

So, I actually had a nice fantasy wank that involved my wife,a bikini and a yacht off the coast of St. Thomas. I also combed through some pictures on the web to find the perfect scenario and outfit for the fantasy.

Though it's not quite the same as a PMO, it is technically "seeking external resources for visual stimulation." Which means back to square one.

You know the funny thing is, I didn't really fight it. I just felt like doing it, so I did. And it wasn't even that fun. Just kind of empty and anti-climatic (pun intended).

And now, I don't really feel like doing it. Not enough to gain and too much to lose.

Hopefully it'll stick this time.

Monk


75
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: June 13, 2016, 01:31:59 PM »
Andy,

Man...we're TOO in synch. I also relapsed recently. Not major, but enough to reset the counter.

After all, this is our program of recovery. We have to be truthful with ourselves first.

Okay...so this time, let's stick it out and get to our goals.

I got your back, brother.

P. Monk

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