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Messages - Punk Monk

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26
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: May 28, 2017, 03:02:25 PM »
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm happy to say it's been all good.

A couple of weeks ago, The Missus and I settled back into our steady groove of Weekend Business Time. And it was...wonderful! Everything worked as it should have. And I swear, it actually brought us closer together. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel intimate with my wife. The psychological and spiritual aspects of sex are slowly starting to return.

Last week, we had to take a little break because my wife had some minor female issues. It's okay now (although I wish she'd go visit her OB/Gyn. But like her husband, she steadfastly refuses to see a doctor when someone else suggests it!). During our downtime, I went solo for a night. And I have to tell you folks...I didn't really enjoy it. It's like my brain is finally rewiring correctly and recognizing that masturbation is a very poor substitute for the real thing.

As an aside, there was a time when, deep into my addiction...I preferred masturbation to actual sex. Now, I can honestly say that's not the case.

We got it on again today and it was awesome! Again, there was a time when I used to dread having sex with my wife. Not because it was bad, but because of my nerves, performance anxiety and all those other demons I'd posted about before. Today...I couldn't WAIT! I was like a horny little kid excited about the prospect of "doing it" (as Mrs. Monk likes to say) with a beautiful woman!

The thing I'm noticing the most is the change in the perspective. The hierarchy of needs (if you will) between masturbation and real sex has completely flipped. And I find little things in a physical world (touch my wife's back, kissing her neck, sniffing her hair, etc...) are more arousing than soft core porn pictures.

I still wouldn't say I'm "cured" yet (it just doesn't feel complete at this moment). As such, I'm still keeping my tracker at a two-week segment. But I definitely feel like I'm making some very significant progress.

Monk

27
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: May 09, 2017, 09:38:54 PM »
It's been a challenging few weeks. Both my wife and I have been travelling over the past few weeks. This, unfortunately, forced us to spend the last three weekends apart. And a sad symptom of this is a complete lack of Gettin' it On.

This past weekend, I had the house to myself for the weekend and I cracked. I jacked myself silly for two and a half straight days, though I didn't do much surfing. Most of my inspiration came purely from the old internal Spank Bank. But it still had an effect.

I noticed I was really irritable on Sunday. Couldn't understand why. It was a beautiful day, I was chilled and relaxed. There was no reason to feel bad at all.

Then about mid afternoon, it me; "I haven't jacked off at all today! I'm having withdrawals!!"

But, happy to say I've been "clean" since Sunday night, the Missus is safely back home and we're both staying put for the foreseeable future.

So, all it well back at La Casa de Monko.

Still feeling the tinges of the withdrawal, though. Or maybe I just got used to having the house to myself for a few days!


28
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: April 17, 2017, 10:54:50 PM »
Seems like things are starting to get back on track. Had a great weekend with The Missus and the Little Monk behaved perfectly! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

Amazingly, the more "in the moment" I was, the more aroused I became! Something as seemingly minor as just caressing her face was a huge turn on. It was like my senses had been reawakened and all those little details...scent of her hair...feel of the sheets...were more exciting than any image or fantasy I could conjure up in my head.

It felt so good to release, I was actually giggling with joy afterwards!

And I was hit by the obvious (yet alien) realization that no porn or fantasy will ever be as enjoyable as the real thing. And the key is to channel all that vivid imagination in to present moment.

But, winning one battle doesn't win the war. So, I'll reset my counter for this week and continue on the current path.

Seems to be going in the right direction.


29
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: April 10, 2017, 11:06:10 PM »
<clumsily side-stepping the spiritual bit, due to my embarrassing ignorance>

Congratulations on fighting your way through a tough week. Really feel for you with the performance anxiety and self-esteem challenge you're experiencing in the bedroom. I've had very similar challenges over the last 3 months and find very nervous about physical intimacy with my wife. I got to convincing myself that, even though I was committed to staying off the P&M, there was no spark left in my marriage. That was bullshit. Just another cognitive distortion to throw me off the path and into the nettles. I'm trying to take my time and be empathetic with myself. I know that there are times of the day when S has traditionally been gentle, no stress, relatively short and ultimately very relaxing. Other times when it was traditionally more exciting and more of a performance. I currently find that I'm less anxious and enjoy things better at the "low stress" times of the day, so I'm trying to build confidence at that time and I think it's working. Might be something to consider.

Thanks! And that's great advice. You're absolutely right; the best time to build up the confidence is when one is feeling confident. I recently discovered that I've been approaching sex as something we have to do instead of something we want to do. Lately I've been feverishly trying to mentally schedule time when we can squeeze in some intimacy between all our chores and running around. All this does is ramp up the pressure. I start feeling that if I can't make it happen during this tiny time window, that's it for the week.

But if I don't think about it, I'm relaxed and the right moment just...occurs. Then The Missus and I just happily follow the urging of our naught bits.

Of course, I can intellectualize it to death. Putting it into practice, however...aye. There's the rub.

Quote
And I wonder whether you might consider changing your commercial news aggregator, mate?

That's...brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?! Seriously! I just went and deleted a couple of the biggest offenders from my bookmarks. I'll stick to CNN and the other dull (but safer) sites.

Thanks for the good tips, Workinprogress.

P. Monk

30
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: April 10, 2017, 10:38:08 PM »
Yes, Punk Monk, once again we find ourselves on a parallel journey!  Let's keep each other on the straight & narrow.

Biggest problem for me, in terms of breaking the PMO habit, is that my wife is experiencing some menopause-related issues that reduce her desire and ability to have intercourse.  She's dealing with it (not pleasant for her, either), I'm very patient, and our relationship is excellent. It's just difficult for me, horny bugger that I am, to not to be tempted to use porn -- which would only make matters worse for both of us.

My friend, our journey is so parallel, it's practically the same straight line.  My wife has also been having some medical issues that have forced us to curtail our sexual activity. Nothing serious...we're just playing it safe. And like you, I'm a lusty man, so it's tough not turn to old bad habits.

It's helped me to examine my views on sex and intimacy. And lately we've been exploring other physical expressions of intimacy. Just a lot of physical contact (lovin', touchin', squeezin'...as the song goes). It's a nice change of pace. As guys, we always see intercourse as the end goal and everything else as a race to the finish line.

But sometimes, it's nice to just hang out on the track with no particular place to go...

31
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: April 09, 2017, 08:59:48 PM »
Well, that was tough week...but I made it through.

Actually, the first few days were easy. But my libido was raging by around Wednesday or Thursday. And just about every pretty girl was getting me aroused (this made Kung Fu class Thursday night especially challenging).

It's also doubly difficult when literally ever third article on any commercial news aggregate site is about some celeb's "new bikini body", "sexy photo shoot" or "hot new Red Carpet look".  I managed to keep control and not click on anything. So far it's working.

For the spiritually minded among you (and I know there are several), I've also been folding some chakra balancing into my daily meditations...focusing particularly the 2nd chakra, which governs sexuality and pleasure. Have a feeling "opening up" the 2nd chakra may help resolve some issue. Seems to be working so far.

Anyway, I'm going to reset the counter and go week to week for awhile.

Stay tuned...

P. Monk

32
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: April 09, 2017, 08:46:24 PM »
Oh for God sake Andy, are we on the same frequency again?!  I just reset my counter last week because of some stealth backsliding.

And 40New30 is right; posting here even when clean really does help. In fact, any time I get the urge to go to any potentially dangerous site, I come here...even if I don't post.

Good luck, my man. Fight the good fight!

P. Monk

33
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: April 02, 2017, 05:24:59 PM »
Okay, this is getting annoying. I seem to be regressing back to some old bad habits. And while it's not a full blown back slide, it's impacting me in a negative way. So far, the PIED hasn't returned...but the PIDE has. And in a weird way.

I can actually get to the Point of No Return, but for some reason am holding back. So I get close, hold off and go soft...leaving neither me nor The Missus satisfied. The worst part is that this has given me a serious case of angst and performance anxiety. So instead of looking forward to the Happy Fun Sexy time on the weekends...I dread it.

And although my  wife continues to be a trooper, I feel useless and unmanly as I'm constantly letting her down. Of course, this further fuels the sense of insecurity and makes me tempted to self gratify.

The worst thing is how I justify the Surfing I do. "Just one picture", "It's no big deal", "It's not REALLY porn", etc...

The only thing to do is basically do a total hard reset and avoid EVERYTHING on the net. No bikini or lingerie pictures...no "check out such-and-such celebs hot bod Instragram", etc...

So, I'm taking a page from Kurall's book and resetting my counter to a smaller chunk of time.

Let's do this a week at a time until those pesky neural pathways get firmly locked into place.

34
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: March 19, 2017, 04:09:22 PM »
Been awhile since I posted.

Things are progressing nicely, though not at 100% yet. The Missus and I just had our weekend roll in the hay and it was quite fun. No issues getting The Little Monk to stand at attention. However, I encountered another problem...one that's been a rare occurrence for me.

We were literally about a minute into getting hot and heavy and I could feel the desire to release. So I tried to pull a "Sting" and hold off. But alas, alack and a chicken a la King, once I choked it back...I couldn't recover. So I didn't  finish.

On the plus side, this suggests that I'm more in tune with the physical sensations than the mental imagery, so that's definitely a step in the right direction.

Mrs. Monk asked me why I didn't just let it go. "Because I was having fun and didn't want it to end just yet!" 

The lesson here is that it's all about balance. The quest is to find that "Goldilocks Zone" that's juuuust right.

Maybe Mama Bear will be in the mood a little later...

35
Ages 40 and up / Re: That's it, never again!
« on: March 19, 2017, 03:59:37 PM »
Hey Kurall,

Glad to see you're back. You may not know this, but I drew a lot of inspiration from your posts. So keep at it. It's a smart idea to keep coming back here whenever you get those urges. Sure beats going to those other sites (knowwhatimean?!?!)

I also notice you're handling staying clean in small chunks. Wise idea. As they say "The thousand mile journey begins with a single step" (Hey...I gotta live up to my user name!)

Hang in there.

Stay strong.

P. Monk

36
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: March 04, 2017, 11:03:10 PM »
Monk, the exact same thing happened to me re: post-intimacy surfing urges. It was a fairly sizeable Wow this is addiction moment.

Glad to hear you pushed through the temptations. All best with your journey to freedom!

Thanks Mio. Nice to know it's not just me. Glad you were able to move past it.

(But I'm totally stealing "post-intimacy surfing urges"!)

Monk

37
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: March 02, 2017, 10:24:19 PM »
The feeling that I wanted to "reward" myself after performing with my wife is very familiar. It always seems to be the day after.  It is just another one of those insidious triggers we have to fight.

Indeed. Just another way for the Addict Brain to convince us we need another hit of the habit.

I once knew an alcoholic who would have a glass of wine after successfully attending an AA meeting.

Same damn thing...

38
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: February 27, 2017, 10:09:58 PM »
I think things are finally back on track!

Had the biggest case of Blue Balls all week since we hadn't done "The Deed" in a couple of weeks (my wife had to "pay her monthly bill"). So when Saturday rolled around, I jumped at the chance to jump on my wife!

Everything worked as it should have. No PIED or PIDE!

That left me (and her) feeling so good, I was tempted to reward myself with a little Spank Bank Fantasy Wank a little later that night.

Just think about that for second. As a reward for being able to have good, normal REAL sex, I was tempted to have a virtual go with one of my digital playmates. That's literally like an alcoholic rewarding himself with a drink for staying sober for a week.

Happy to say, I resisted. But it's almost frightening the way the addicts brain works.

Thankfully, the desire for recovery is far greater than the need for momentary gratification.

Monk

39
Ages 40 and up / Re: Flatline and masturbasion.
« on: February 12, 2017, 04:37:27 PM »
Hey Bornholm,

First of all, thank you (and your girlfriend) for your service in the military.

Second, you wrote: "Would it be beneficent to masturbate without fantasies (physical motions until release) and then hopefully avoid having to deal with flatline when she comes home again in two months?"

If you can do that, sure. Shouldn't be a problem. The challenge is that most of us with the Porn Addiction can't. I tried that and only tried to fantasize about my wife. But you know what? That's still a fantasy. And it caused some ED/DE problems for me later on because I had to rely on the fantasies instead of being in the moment.

Everybody's different. And what works for others may not work for you. But in my experience, I've found it better just to ride out the flatline. My wife and I once didn't have sex for six weeks (due to my flatline). But when we did...it was AWESOME!

P. Monk

40
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: February 12, 2017, 04:32:04 PM »
Haven't posted in awhile. But I'm still having trouble with the PIDE (no, I'm not dyslexic. That stands for "Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation').

When my wife and I have sex, I can get it up fairly regularly. However, I can't seem to finish. Part of the problem is that I've conditioned myself to ejaculate to imagery (due to the porn or porn fantasies). As a result, I need some kind of fantasy to get me to the Point of No Return.  Once I'm there, I can shift back into reality and ride the wave to orgasm.

But right now, when I try to come, I can't. None of the old triggers work anymore (which is not a bad thing). I recognize this as being part of the infamous "Flatline" (that in-between phase where, as your brain is rewiring itself,  nothing seems to trigger). I'm also aware I'm trying too hard. There will be times I'll try to force it, and just go limp inside her.

Today, as we were getting it on, I could feel the pressure building. So I went into my head to trigger the Point of No Return out of habit. When I realized what was happening, I tried to shift back to the Present, but it was too late. The Little Monk had retreated into his Wilt of Shame.

On the plus side, I haven't so much as looked at any old vices. It's tough, because there's always some internet article about "so-and-so celeb's bikini selfie" or  "such-and-such's sexy lingerie shoot". I don't even click on them anymore. There was also a fetish site I used to frequent occasionally (side note: "frequent occasionally" seems like an oxymoron) that I haven't touched in close to a month.

I'm determined to beat this permanently. And it WILL happen. Just need patience and time (both of which always seem in short supply).

Monk

41
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: January 22, 2017, 03:12:52 PM »
Aaaaaand...I'm back!

Reset my counter after a nasty little relapse.  The long and the short of it is...I got cocky (pun, as always, intended). After curing the PIED and the PIDE, I decided I was invincible. So I dallied here and there at some old vices.

My weakness had always been nude pictures of celebs. So while my wife was "paying her monthly bill" (we don't have sex when she's on her period), I revisited some old digital playmates. Figured what's the harm? I'm cured, right?

Wrong!

This is the equivalent of an alcoholic saying "One drink won't hurt me."

It wasn't even a full blown relapse...just a peek here and there. But it led to some regressive thinking. And when the new year arrived, so did the PIED and the PIDE. But that also brought a resolution. This year...I'm going to do it right and complete.

Managed to stay clean for the last few weeks. And I won't even look at bikini or lingerie pictures. Had a serious panic of performance anxiety this afternoon but managed to get through it. The PIED seems to be gone. But I wasn't able to finish.

Still, this re-enforced that the real thing is much better than the fantasy.  Which in turn brings back the correct thinking. Rather than thinking "I'm horny, when will my wife leave so I can jack it", the thoughts are more along the lines of "I'm horny. Let's see what the Missus is doing now so hopefully I won't have to jack it."

My resolve is stronger than ever and I'm determined to permanently put the cap on this thing. I am constantly amazed by my Missus who's been sober for two years and is all the happier for it. Her patience, willpower and tenacity completely inspire me.

So here's to a Prosperous and PIED/PIDE Free 2017!

P. Monk

42
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: December 19, 2016, 01:10:22 AM »
Wanted to check in and log a success story for the Forums.

Looks like I'm pretty much over the PIED and the PIDE ("Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation"). For the last month or so, all my equipment's been working the way it's supposed to.

Sure, sex in the Monk household has been a little "vanilla" .But as the Missus reminded me, we've keeping things simple and standard until I felt comfortable (she's a trooper, that gal of mine!). Slowly but surely, the anxiety and angst has been lessening. And the Little Monk has been able to get up and working on a regular basis.

And yesterday, for the first time in a long time, we actually had normal fun spontaneous sex (the way we used to when we first got married). I wasn't nervous or worried or retreating into my head to force a reaction.

I was fully present and committed to the moment. And the result was wonderful!

Even after we finished (and boy did I finish!) things felt different...better...more real. I felt relaxed and wired at the same time. I couldn't believe I'd been sacrificing feeling this good for porn fantasies.

Now any time I'm tempted to fall back into old habits, I'll remember how good the Real World feels.

Hope everyone else is finding the their way out of the Porn Pit. If you're struggling, keep reading the Forums, talk to each other. Hell, drop me a line if you want. 

This stuff REALLY works!

P. Monk

43
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 29, 2016, 06:33:30 PM »
The Missus was having some health issues in her Womanly Region. Thankfully it was nothing serious and she's fine now.

But naturally, there was no Nookie in the Monk household for the month as we were getting that all sorted out.

Unfortunately, I sought companionship in the internet and my own right hand.

Nothing serious...just a few pictures of pretty people to jog the ol' spank bank.

Nevertheless, that may have set me back a bit in the Real World. We'll see, I guess.

In the meantime, I reset my counter. And should probably start coming here every time the urge to stray resurfaces (which will probably be every couple of days at this rate...)

Anyway, the fight goes on.

Monk

44
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 07, 2016, 09:59:41 AM »
Another successful weekend with The Missus! The Little Monk was able to get up, get in and do his thing!

So I think I'm officially over the PIED. And the DE doesn't seem to be a problem anymore either. In fact, I was almost in danger of becoming a "Minute Man"! I had to actually hold back and slow down for a change.

Being "normal" sure feels weird.

Wouldn't say I'm "cured" though.  I still get tremendously strong urges to surf the web for visual content. And like any other addict, this usually flares up when I'm either stressed or bored.

I've been able to hold off (largely thanks to this community and all you wonderful people). But there's still the tendency to get complacent and think "Hey, I've gone a couple of months without incident. Surely one little PMO peek couldn't hurt, right?"

Except that's exactly how alcoholics fall off the wagon. What starts out as "one little drink" usually ends up in a binge.

So...every time I get the urge, I come here. Or I'll go to the gym...or fire up the XBox...or grab the guitar. Just something to get a away from the computer and move my mind to other thoughts.

On the plus side, the urges are far more easy to control these days and don't last nearly as long. Still, those little bastards still pop up every once in awhile.

But I'm ready for 'em...


 

45
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: October 30, 2016, 07:01:38 PM »
Great afternoon with the Missus yesterday. Everything was a go and we both had relaxed smiled on our faces when we were done,

In fact, I was feeling so good...I offered to get frisky again today! Unfortunately, she had someplace to be in a half an hour. So she didn't feel comfortable squeezing me in (pun intended) cleaning up and getting dressed in such a short time (which is perfectly reasonable).

So I did what any man would do. I took care of myself when when she was gone. No porn or porn subs involved. Just ran through my head what we would have done if she was there.

It's funny, but that actually helped in the healing process. The real thing is so much better than jacking it, I almost don't want to do that anymore. I'd way rather wait for my wife to be ready than turn to Ol' Rosey Palmer and her Five Sisters...

46
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: October 25, 2016, 09:29:15 PM »
Andy,

I support your goal AND your lewd pun!

You can do it.

Monk

47
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: October 24, 2016, 04:08:10 PM »
Well, somehow my 45 days of no Porn or Porn subs turned into 60!

So I'm resetting my counter with an official goal of 60 days.

Let's see how far we go!

48
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: October 16, 2016, 02:34:37 PM »
Had a wonderful afternoon with the Missus yesterday!

All systems were go and everything got off (pun intended) without a hitch.

Still had a little performance anxiety when I got inside and could feel myself going soft. So I took a deep breath and just forced myself to be in the present. Corny as it sounds, I just looked at my wife and saw how beautiful she is. I also focused on how good the physical act felt and the Little Monk started standing strong.

In other words, I got out of my head and into the moment.

I actually came sooner than usual. Asked my wife if it was to short. She just giggled and said it was just the right amount of time.

Still have a long way to go (I think). But every victory is a step closer.

49
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: October 09, 2016, 10:59:16 PM »
Today I really just want to punch myself in the dick.

The Little Monk was not behaving when The Missus and I started to get busy. To be fair, I was able to get it up. But after a few minutes of being inside, The Little Monk went soft.

My guess is that this is performance anxiety of some kind. I'm able to get "spontaneous erections", so there's nothing physically wrong and I've probably completed my Reboot Cycle. But not being able to play during game day is becoming very frustrating.

On the plus side, I had a very open and frank discussion with my wife about it. My biggest fear is that she thinks she's doing something wrong or is somehow to blame. Though we've talked about my PIED before, I went through it in greater detail. It was helpful for us both.

One of her concerns, for example, was that the stuff I'd been PMOing to was hardcore, rough or fetishy stuff. I assured her it had just been nude pictures of celebs and I don't do it anymore.

Anyway, after a little talking, we concluded that I'm pressuring myself to come (pun intended). Doing a little mental trace, this makes sense. Because while I could get up and in, the minute I started thinking about getting off, I went soft.

Not sure what else to do except just keep trying. But these occasional "failures to launch" have given me a serious complex...which in turn contributes to the biological reaction...which reinforces the complex.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So my current quandary, My Good RNers, is how to break the damned cycle?

Monk

50
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 20, 2016, 09:42:20 PM »
Glad to hear it!

Although now I'm convinced one of us is Tyler Durden...

But, hey! As long as we keep riding that similarity wave towards progress, it's all good!


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