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Messages - Punk Monk

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176
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 15, 2015, 10:21:38 AM »
Man! Woke up with some "Viagra" quality Morning Wood today! Wasn't sure if I should stay in bed and hide or tie a flag around it! (I chose to do neither).

Forgot how good the natural male response feels...or how off center the porn addiction made it.

My missus also got a visit from her monthly friend today. Usually, this means we can't have sex for a few days (we call this "Closing the store"). We started discussing how we haven't had a chance to be intimate lately because we've both been working through our issues.

So I brought up Kenny Prester's suggestion about getting intimate without intercourse.

She liked the idea, so I have the green light to try that when appropriate.

Funny thing...all we were doing was talking about it...the touching, the gentle stroking of the skin, the kissing...and I started getting aroused!

So this is what normal feels like.

Feels good!


177
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 14, 2015, 09:14:55 PM »
Leon,

Great insight. Obsessive urges are just symptomatic of something deeper. So I need to find out what that is. 

Honestly, I think I'm just horny. It's been awhile  since I've gotten it on. And my wife is working through her own stuff right now, so porn seems like a good avenue for self gratification. These, I suspect, are just old behavior patterns emerging and slowly dying away.

Thanks, man! I probably wouldn't have figured that out had it not been for your post.


KennyPrester,

The "no intercourse" sex is a great idea! I've actually run that past my wife and she's game. I also love the last line in your post. You are absolutely correct. I try to do "make love to her" in many ways throughout the day. I find myself being more "handsy" with her (and she loves that) now that I'm clean. And that definitely gets the "little monk's" attention!

178
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: July 14, 2015, 10:11:20 AM »
I’ll allow myself to admire (but not gawk) and won't let it lead, as such arousal has in the past, to PMO.  What I want is to go back to how I was as a teenager in in my early twenties, long before I was addicted to PMO.  I got aroused by women all the time, but what it would lead to was incredible sex with my girlfriend (and that was the only thing I could imagine it leading to).

I can relate. I grew up in Jersey but used to go into the City all the time. Whew! It's tough.

Regarding the admiring vs. gawking, I'm experiencing that myself.  In Dallas, there's no shortage of pretty women either. Yet I find myself actually appreciating their beauty instead of filing away their images for later use.

The mind shift is actually very cool.

P.M.

179
Ages 40 and up / Re: Reclaiming my life
« on: July 14, 2015, 10:06:43 AM »
I've rebooted. I yelled it when I was making love to, I'm rebooted, I'm rebooted. Even with a Condom, I felt everything, and I loved it!

Rock on, Kurall!

Congratulations! That's very inspirational and I can't wait to get to where you are.

(Metaphorically speaking, of course...'Cuz that would be weird if I was ACTUALLY where you are... ;D)

P.M.

180
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 14, 2015, 09:59:37 AM »
I'm noticing that sensitivity down south has really improved.  It's becoming a lot easier to get and stay hard (without visualization, I might add).

It's to a point now where, to quote Eddie Murphy in the great 48 Hours "My dick gets hard every time the wind blows!"

Still a little nervous to engage with the wife for fear of Failure To Launch, though. But I guess nature will take its course soon enough.

Strangely, I continue to have the occasional temporary urge to view pictures of specific "fitness models" (it seems like a different one every day).  But it dies down fairly quickly.

So far the desire to get permanently cured has greatly outweighed the desire for a temporary fix.

PM

181
Ages 40 and up / Re: 60 Day Reboot: From addiction to connection
« on: July 12, 2015, 10:19:14 PM »
Hey AndyNJ,

Welcome. Love your optimism and determination. That will carry you far in this journey.

I share your same goals in being a more connected husband. I've been "clean" for a little over 40 days and I can tell you...it's been wonderful. My relationship with the missus has improved and I just feel better about myself in general.

It's a challenging path. But one that ultimately will lead to greater long term results.

Keep up the good work.

PM




182
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 12, 2015, 03:42:12 PM »
Hey AndyNJ,

Thanks for the reply. That seems to be what I'm hearing (or...reading) from the other posters. Basically, stick to the plan and let it happen naturally. So that's what I'll do.

Paraphrasing the Buddha..."When do you not know what to do, do nothing until you do."

Good for you for getting in better shape. Whether it's for sex or just for the overall lifestyle improvement, keeping fit is always a good thing.

PM

183
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 12, 2015, 12:52:06 PM »
Pretty good weekend.  A couple of urges here and there, but nothing that didn't go away after a few minutes.

However, I do have a question for you folks around performance anxiety.

My wife and I haven't had sex in about three weeks. For us, that's a really REALLY long time. When I told her about the reboot she was very understanding and told me to take all the time I needed. But I sense she misses the way we were.

I think I'm alright enough to go for it. But I have a serious case of performance anxiety. I remember the last few times we tried and my soldier just wouldn't salute. My poor missus did what she could to help but to no avail. I don't want to put her through that again.

But at the same time, I feel the lack of sex is affecting our moods (or it could be my guilty conscience).

Any thoughts on overcoming the Fear of Failure to Launch while rebooting would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

42 days since reboot
19 days without incident

PM

184
Ages 40 and up / Re: Starting today
« on: July 11, 2015, 01:01:33 PM »
I feel for you.

I don't know how many times I tried to have sex with my SO and it didn't work and then I would run and watch pornography because it was easier.

So much THIS.  When finally got porn free in June, it was a month of false starts failure to launch whenever I tried to have sex with my wife. With a lot of help from her, we were able to get it on once of twice. But I developed a huge case of performance anxiety in the meantime.

I'm only just now starting to get my confidence back. Really considering putting the moves on her today, but I'd rather wait until I'm sure than risk screwing things up.

Bottom line...you're not alone, O.L.D. We've all been there. Hang tough, my brother.

P.M.

185
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 11, 2015, 10:07:38 AM »
Thanks for the welcome, folks. Reading the journals and visiting the YBOP site has already helped a lot.

Had a weird night yesterday. See, my specific addiction comes in the form of erotic pictures and videos of celebrities (models, actresses, etc...). Sometimes, it's even just soft core stuff like sexy lingerie. Well, for some strange reason, I had a craving (there's no other way to describe it) to see pictures of a particular model I'd fapped to in the past.  I guess it's like an alcoholic craving a specific wine or mixed drink.

But knowing what I do now, I sort of distanced myself from my brain and observed the process it went through. It was fascinating! Just the ways it tried to justify things: "I don't need to see the sexy stuff...I can just watch a video she was in. That's okay, right? Just a little peak?"

Again, using the above analogy, that'd be like an alcoholic saying "I'll just uncork this bottle of Cabernet and just sniff it. no harm in that, right?"

In the end, I was able to convince my Rebel Brain it wasn't worth it and to stand down.

I'm sure I'll eventually get to a point where this kind of a thing isn't a problem. But for now, as I go through the reboot, there's just too much of an association.

Reboot On!

41 days since reboot
18 days without incident

PM

186
Ages 40 and up / Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 10, 2015, 01:50:35 PM »
Greetings folks!

So glad to have found you all. Apparently I was doing a reboot and didn't even know it. But stumbling across Reboot Nation answered a TON of questions.

Quick summary:

I'm 47 years old and didn't really get hooked on porn until recently. But it was enough to screw things up. My wife is an alcoholic. And as she got deeper into addiction, so did I.  She would get drunk and pass out early in the evening (or day on a weekend). So, I started going online to fulfill those "male urges".

As my wife spent more time in an alcoholic haze, I'd spend more time online.  Soon, I was visualizing porn even while we were getting intimate.  Eventually, I needed the visual stimuli just to get to the Point of No Return.  And it seemed to take longer and longer to get there.  I also began to look forward to her passing out because that meant I could spend more time with my "digital playmates". And since I work from home, I was jacking it on a regular basis.

I decided to give up porn in February. Unfortunately that lead to erectile dysfunction. After one particularly difficult evening, my wife got drunk and said some incredibly hurtful things. So I went back to porn because at least I could "fake it to make it".

In May, my wife chose to get sober. I thought, "Well, if she can give up her addiction, I can give up mine." I stopped on the 1st of June. However, this lead to another month of ED.

I started researching possible causes (medication, diet, age, etc...). But I'm not overweight, am pretty fit for my age and eat fairly healthy. Then I remembered what happened in Feb. I Googled "Internet Porn and Erectile Dysfunction" and found the Your Brain on Porn Site!

Holy cr@p did that clear things up!

It explained everything I was going through while I was doing it (the anger, the resentment, the moodiness) and everything happening since I stopped (rebooting, flat lining, etc...).

I confessed all this to my wife last week and she was remarkably supportive and (as a recovering addict herself) very understanding.

In the time since I've quit I've only slipped twice (and none of it lead to fapping). But now that I know how it works, I'm more determined to stay "clean".

I'm noticing some changes already. The morning wood's coming back as are the "spontaneous erections".  I still get the urge to get online, but they're getting less and less frequent.  And a couple of nights ago, while lying in bed next to the missus I put my hand on her rear and got the rock solid hard on! I considered waking her to do the "Marital Dance", but she was out like a light.

There will be plenty of time for that, I suppose...

Anyway, glad to be here!

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