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Messages - Gracie

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51
My husband was horrible in the beginning.  He made a lot of personal remarks to me which were very harmful.  I chose to stay in my marriage and do not regret it.  However, I won't sugarcoat it, it was tough at times.   I shrunk away from his touch because it was both infrequent and only when he wanted sex.  So I came up with ways to address this.  And it was for me.  We go to bed at same time every night.  We stay in bed all night.  We sleep naked.  We had what I called full body hugs before sleep and when waking up.  Not sexual, not for purpose of sex.  For re-connecting.  We kiss hello and good bye every time.  Work, grocery, errands...everytime.  Not peck kisses, real kisses.  No tv or internet alone.  Non-negotiable.  No orgasms unless we were together.  Those were the beginning. 

I would suggest reading Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight outloud together.  My husband and I would talk about us as we read.  Reading aloud was a big help.

Only you can decide what is best for you.  I could not imagine myself without him.  The work was worth it!

52
Ages 30-39 / Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« on: August 18, 2018, 11:16:33 AM »
Rich, you have taken the most important step of all in this fight!  A good thing to do would be listen to the podcast in the stickies at the top of the partner page together.  If you are not ready to let her know you are here, you can simply copy the link and paste it so you two can watch together.  Post here and let us know if we can help.  There is a lot of experience in those that follow your thread.

Way to go!!

53
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: August 16, 2018, 09:06:34 PM »
I guess for we wives porn feels like an affair.  Generally speaking the amount of sex we get plummets.  I had sex once a week.  He was having "sex" 5 or mor times a week with whoever was in the movie in his head with penis in hand..  So....how does it not resemble an affair?

54
We wives here will agree with telling.  While it is tough, ultimately you have people helping you recover!!!

55
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 16, 2018, 08:44:34 PM »
Bob,

The advantage to being here and posting is you shine a light for others.  That is why it is important to remain.  Maybe not post every day but new healers need to know the way of recovery.  They need to know wives should be involved.  I have yet to read of a success without wife knowing of what had happened.  You are an important cog in the wheel of recovery!

56
Ages 40 and up / Re: Back again
« on: August 11, 2018, 07:34:53 AM »
I would recommend listening to the podcast at the top of the Partner section in the sticky area with your wife.  It is well worth the listen.   I would recommend reading Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, 7 conversations.  Great book.  Helps communication!

57
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Read the new sticky above
« on: August 11, 2018, 07:20:09 AM »
The sticky I posted above is a study about how porn use affects wives.  It shows our feeligs are not crazy.  We are not "losing it".  It was very empowering to read.

To all the new partners here, you have come to the right place.  We will listen and help as we can.  You are not alone.

To the men that read our pages, talk to us, we can help you under stand you partner.

Gracie

58
Your welcome!  The reasons you state are why it is here!!  If you need anything, let me know!!

59
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: STD check
« on: August 06, 2018, 09:32:42 PM »
No you are not a bad wife.  He needs to understand that you have your recovery and process.  If getti g tested helps you breathe a sigh of relief, then you must do that.  You spoke to your doctor.  It is not as though you announced it on Facebook or with a group of people.  You are taking care of you!  That is a must if you are to make your relationship whole again.  This recovery is not only about him.  It is about you and you and him together. 

60
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 02, 2018, 06:23:24 AM »
To repeat a post I have used before:

GO BOB GO!!!  GO BOB GO!!!  GO BOB GO!!!

61
Porn Addiction / Re: Annoyed by hollywood sexualized industry
« on: July 31, 2018, 06:26:45 AM »
I agree.  We put all movies through various places on internet to determine nudity and sex.  If there is any, it is a no.  I was wanting to take grandsons to Ready Player 1.  It had talk about sex dolls and masturbation!  WHY?  If there is brief nudity it is full on woman's boobs.  Sex is not needed to make a good movie.  Or TV series. 

62
Ages 40 and up / Re: Looking for new milestones
« on: July 28, 2018, 08:09:13 AM »
I will say this.  My husband and I made a commitment to, No orgasm without the other person present.  It then made solo sex a thing of the past.  This was during his reboot and then continues now.  We were amazed at how it helped us both gain a sense of how important it was to talk and come up with solutions.

63
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: July 28, 2018, 08:01:43 AM »
Hey Bob!

Good to see you have the most important component i your recovery, your wife!   The center of your intimacy!  This is what will make your walk different this time.  You have someone to share the load with.  Keeping a secret like porn and then piling on top of that with secret attempts at recovery is exhausting work.  Then if that is the chioce and the wife discovers, the load can be unbearable!

As painful as it is to walk the walk of recovery with total openess, I would not have it any other way.  I learned things about myself.  And my method of communication.  See Sue Johnson book Hold Me Tight.   And he has learned about himself.  And his method of communication. 

I also learned he indeed does remember how to make love!  Not just have sex.  I learned he could stop the "need to ogle women".  I learned most importantly he does love me.  I still struggle with the youthful attractiveness of the women.  But he holds me and talks to me when it sprouts up.  Not often anymore but....

He learned how "something everybody does" literally broke my heart.  I was a shell of myself.  He learned, looking back, how he disconnected himself from our family.  He learned, I am not "a cold fish".  He learned I enjoy making love.  He learned that our marriage could survive.


Only working together, through excrutiating pain and the highs of discovery of each other and communication could we be here today.  7 years later.

64
Ages 40 and up / Re: Need advice
« on: July 21, 2018, 08:57:11 PM »
You might follow up with him.  Just leaving it there makes it difficult to talk about again.  You might check out and then have him check out Fight the New Drug.  It has great information and videos geared to teens and young adults.  Their video Conversation With Porn is funny!!!

65
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: letting go
« on: July 18, 2018, 09:35:09 PM »
Bob,

Thank you!!!  I think I am the only SO that was here when the Nation was started by Gabe and am still here.  So many have come and gone, and I do think of them often.  The reason I continue here is that addicts with partners need to recognize the the porn pebble ripples out far and wide.  And partners are not there by choice.  We really want to help.

I want to help.

66
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: July 17, 2018, 06:38:29 AM »
Good to see you still working Bob!!! Your new found committment is the way to go!!! 

Good for you!!!

67
I get that men say we are not less in their eyes  What I am explaining is what they do that makes us feel less.  And as a wife one of the most difficult things to work through. 

For example most men don't view it as akin to cheating.  A lot of women do.  Some times we have to look at both sides.  And it takes looking at both sides and working together to heal. 

68
Mr. Pazama,
You are right porn fills a void.  That is one of the truest things ever said.  What is difficult for us as wives and partners is that instead of reaching out to us or a trusted friend our guys reach for their dick.  And they do this to women who are enhanced, made up and in shots that keep them attractive.  If only in the real world we could wake up with a beautiful head of perfect hair, enhanced unmarked bodies, with no kids in the next room, no job to go to and wet and ready for the wildest tumble in the sack our partners ever imagined.  And alas if you read through the man threads they in fact expect some of this to be real.   I always put out the premise that if the women in porn were wrinkly with hangy skin, then it would make the addiction less likely. 

That being said, in a way it is us, in your mind.  We cannot be the different person every time.  We cannot change the aging process.  We as wives were the ones chosen by our men and the men are who we chose.  However, they changed our sex life significantly with nary a thought.  We did not get a vote.  We did not get to say we think your sagyy belly is too big or where is your sexual energy.  We were shut out.  And since we trusted our men, we were left to wonder what happened.

I saw where you wanted an accountability partner that you didn't know because you would lie because you were ashamed if you knew the person.  Partners have no one sometimes too.  7years ago there was nothing for us.  We get told, all men do it, wear makeup, dress sexy, try new things in bed etc.  Or we are told to leave.  I had one that got it.  She said he's an asshole.  I was not blamed.   

I wish you luck.  Learning to share whatever bad feeling you have, when you use porn ,with your wife instead of reaching to touch yourself will go a long way in your recovery and will bring the two of you closer.

69
How my husband preserves his Reboot is he has made our marriage and me the most important thing in his life.  How I preserve my reboot (my work) is I make our marriage and him the most important thing in my life.  Then together we make our family the second most important thing in our life.

Rebooting is not just "stop watching, stop masturbating".  It is realizing we need intimate human relationships.  I am not talking just sexual intimacy.  I am talking emotional intimacy, communication intimacy.  Learning how to talk to one another, whether partner, family, friend acquainance.  Every relationship that has existed during porn addiction suffers.  The groups I mentioned have been there and communicating with an addict.  They will communicate differently once you start changing. 

The other thing that goes with reboot:   We carefully screen all tv and movies for brief nudity, sex scenes, sex talk and decide together what is ok.  We screened news sites for same reason. Fox, the conservative is the all out winning worst.

Just my experience expressed here.

70
Ages 30-39 / Re: Humble Rich: Getting Back to Health
« on: July 09, 2018, 09:11:21 AM »
I will start by saying I know your position on telling your wife.  She notices that you are controlling and not making her feel loved. 

A lot of times, the need to control our space comes from hiding things.  Keeping secrets.  It can be how we feel about our selves, how we feel in general, it can be eating, it can be porn, or just family secrets.  But we become controlling so this "bad thing" isn't out.  And so it beomes bigger and bigger much harder to turn loose of. Because it has grown so much.  (Note: I said we because I learned this lesson in my life)

Second, as a wife, we know, even before D-day something is not right and we do not feel loved like we had been in the past.  Your wife described you from the past, that may be the last time she truly felt loved.  If you need a road map with a destination, she has just given you the destination.   (I thought my husband was having an affair and no longer liked me.) If you read the partner pages we all felt unloved.  A common affliction among the SOs.

Hope your recovery continues!!

71
Porn Addiction / Re: Reason to quit
« on: July 04, 2018, 08:46:16 AM »
Just giving this a bump.

72
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: letting go
« on: June 27, 2018, 10:56:53 PM »
Oh no!  That is a tough spot to be in.  Sometimes I just want to say, " m...fing porn" why did it start?  It screws up so many lives.   And causes pain.  Hopefully the counselor helps you.  Taking care of you is so importent now.  And know we are here for you!

Sending peaceful thoughts your way.

73
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: letting go
« on: June 26, 2018, 05:00:12 AM »
Boy, nothing like asking for an essay.  I thought I wrote a long response.  I must have hit a wrong button the other day.  Now I have to rewrite.  "Sigh". Technology.

74
Porn Addiction / Re: Wife looking for perspective
« on: June 23, 2018, 07:29:25 AM »
Well, I was told the same things.  Initially I had physical shortcomings of all sorts.  I am mid sixties and get guessed at late 40s.  But that tidbit does not make a bit of difference in the pain level you feel when you are told that.  Because to a wife, what matters is how he sees you.  It was tough at the beginning. Different people have different ways of dealing.  I set boundries and rules that made me feel secure.  (There was a lot of crying and loud discussion taking place.  Please know, I was the lowest emotionally that I had been in my entire life.)

My healing rules:

We sleep together all night every night naked.  (Several of these are getting used to his touch again. As the only time he touched while addicted was for sex)

We had full body hugs before we went to sleep and right before we got out of bed.  We kissed good night and good morning.  Real kisses!

We kissed hello and good bye every time.  Real kisses.  (Yes even grocery, walk dog etc)

We sat by each other on the couch all the time.

We held hands in public.

If he ogled, I told him immediately.

We read Love You hate the Porn separately underling important things to us and then read it together out loud and discussed under lines.

We read Sue Johnson book Hold Me Tight. Farther in.

Of course we talked, cried but we did it together.   

We are rooting for you!!  I am 7 years after d-day.  We are still married.  And doing great.  If you want you can pm me.

Gracie

75
Ages 40 and up / Re: P. Parker journal
« on: June 23, 2018, 07:04:35 AM »
My post and the one on renovates thread are things you can do together   This helps the bond. It helps you understand each others healing.   It enables you to heal together.

One thing in the book mentioned on renovates thread helped my husband, "he caused the wound, for it to heal, he had to be the bandaid.".  It takes both to reach out and assist in the healing.  He could not believe he did this. To me, our family and our marriage.  But we worked together.

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