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Messages - Gracie

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26
Porn Addiction / Re: Pills during reboot
« on: November 09, 2018, 10:35:50 PM »
It did not make my husband want me more.  I could tell the lust was not there.  There was no feeling of he could not wait to have me.  Sooo no.

27
Porn Addiction / Re: Why kick porn?
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:45:39 AM »
Thanks!!

28
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / My husband/boyfriend uses porn
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:36:34 AM »
This is from my husband and my go to seven years ago.  There was not much out there that did not blame me.   The whole site is helpful!


http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/my-partner-has-porn-habit.html

29
Porn Addiction / Why kick porn?
« on: November 03, 2018, 09:31:35 AM »
Here is information from one of my and my husband's go to in the begining.  7 years ago there was not much in the way of information.

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/p/why-kick-porn-habit.html

EDIT: fixed link - Gabe

30
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: November 02, 2018, 01:28:51 PM »
So sorry that your marriage did not make it.   This addiction is so hard on relationships.  It is so hard to work through.  I know that I do not know how I stayed with it and all the work.  We had been married for 27 years.  However, I knew I loved him.  I knew if we were apart, I would still love him.  But, my self esteem and everything else was pretty close to zero.  There are days that it still creeps up on me.  And I still worry.  I still stay vigilant.  This will never sneak up on me and take my sense of self ever again.

He has done evrything I asked and he has worked hard too.  Just don't ever let porn into a relationship again.  You are better than porn. 

31
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: October 24, 2018, 05:24:37 AM »
Just saw your post.  Sorry you are having illness.  That is the worst.  Hope your husband and kids are giving you well deserved TLC.  Ihave found that when I have health issues especially when pain is involved, the triggers abound in my weary head.  My husband and I figured it out.  I let him know when I have physical pain.  If it overwhelms me, he holds me while I cry.   It is like the pain just opens the door.  Don't know if that happens to you or any of the others on here.  But it sucks.

Take care of yourself.

32
Ages 40 and up / Re: Stress/Anxiety=PMO
« on: October 19, 2018, 06:38:13 AM »
Just a note, rewirng to your wife, should never be reduced to "nailing her"..   This would be a continuation of porn thinking.  Making love to your wife puts it in the appropriate couple bond context.   

33
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: October 03, 2018, 10:55:09 PM »
Just an observation here.  67 has said he loves his wife and wants to fight for his marriage.  The operative words being, loves his wife.  How great!!  If one reads, it was not just a chat.  That is all she may have seen, but he admits to the addiction.  Healing from this takes time for both addict and partner.  And hopefull both realize they should be together.   

Hang in there 67.  Time helps!

34
Ages 40 and up / Re: Sunshine
« on: September 27, 2018, 06:31:47 AM »
Tomy, I recommened 7 converstions for a lifetine of love by Sue Johnson.  Read it aloud with your wife.  Pratice loving connection with Karezza.  It helps you reconnect!  And talk.  She is right, you are a good man.  You ae taking a path of change for you, for her, for your marriage, for your children,  and for your life.  How could it be any better?   My husband and I are 7 years past discovery by me.  He has changed for all the reasons I just stated.



Mr. RF.  Not every recovery is about women giving sexual support.   Commuication is the key each and every time.  PAs need to communicate.  My husband not having sex was how I knew something was wrong.  Men have PIEd and Flatline and a host of sexual reaction with their partners as healing begins.  Hard mode give both of them a chance to recover and move forward.  But porn addiction is not about the sex.

35
Porn Addiction / Re: Men and Porn Addicts and the #Metoo Movement
« on: September 25, 2018, 06:01:34 AM »
The best thing you can do is recognize that these things do happen.  Recognize that women have a great deal of fear around telling a lot of time.  Fear they will not be believed, fear of being bullied,  fear of the unknown. 

Recognizing and being responsible for past actions is a huge step.  Raise your children to be different and not be sexist.  One thing I read has always stood out to me.  We make sure a boy has a condom on his first date and a girl has pepper spray. 

Encourage friends and family to be different and not view women the way they have. Women should not have to fear walking alone or being anywhere.

36
Ages 40 and up / Re: I am doing it for ME
« on: September 21, 2018, 06:32:03 AM »
How about using the computer to learn a language?  Take a class in something that interests you?

37
Porn Addiction / Re: Misogynistic language on here
« on: September 16, 2018, 05:29:01 AM »
An aversion to promiscuous women?  Perhaps women here should speak unkindly of promiscuous men.  Men who reach out to other women because their wives are (fill in this blank with whatever the wife does not do, lose weight, wear makeup, look like promiscuous women) in order to have the sex to which they are entitled. 

PMO is relationship focused.  If you love the woman, communicate with her she will be there for you.  If you do not have a woman in your life now, do it for your future wife.


38
Porn Addiction / Re: Sexualization of Nerd/Geek Culture
« on: September 15, 2018, 07:55:37 AM »
Rich,  all women/girls ae overly sexualized.  It is the product of our culture.  We womn encounte t all he time,everyday.  Watch tv sometime and count how many ads are directed at women. And how we should be different. 

39
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: September 14, 2018, 10:34:45 PM »
What is most puzzling to me is that sex is everywhere, tv, movies, ads, internet, social media, yet no one talks about it.  No one talks about the fallout from being sex centered.  Sex addiction, porn addiction, sexual abuse, sexual assault, significants others of addicts and victims.  It all seems to be taboo.  So all suffer in silence thinking "only me".   

How sad that this seems to be the case.  We must all talk.  We need to shine a light. 

40
Reformed fapper...So your post implies that if she had sex with him whenever he wanted, did everything he wanted to do sex wise, cooked and cleaned for him, was a Victorias Secret model ie clean and healthy with make up on ALL the time he would be a better husband to her?   

So we have Christie Brinkley whose husband was a PA big time.   We have John Mayer, who could have anyone, we have Russell Brand.  We have Jennifer Lawrence's boyfriend.   Just to name a few.   Cheaters be cheaters and porn addicts be porn addicts.   

You need to read everything Gary Wilson and Gabe Deem have written and recorded again.  If you are placing being a porn addict at the feet of the Partners, you are not Reformed.

41
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: September 05, 2018, 03:00:44 PM »
Bob!  So impressed with your progress!

Your last post shows your growth as man, and more and most importantly as a husband.  A true life partner!

You have also shown the importance and advantage of including your wife in your recovery.   Yes we wives are hurt by the addiction, but we also love our husbands.  And we want our marriages to be what we know they can be.

42
Women / Re: Do Wives Enjoy Their Husband’s Visual Attention?
« on: September 03, 2018, 03:28:29 PM »
WFO   you said in your first post her obesity was a source of embarassment and frustration to you.  I can tell you mst women can feel that coming from their man.  If I felt my husband was embarassed by me (actually on discovery it was one of his gaslights) I would feel awful it he was gazing at me.  Because to me at that time if he saw me naked he was comparing me to what he apparently preferred.   He knew I was self conscious about my body. 

43
Ages 40 and up / Re: I need to change
« on: September 03, 2018, 08:37:00 AM »
Just asking is your name because of the artist Magritte?

44
Women / Re: Do Wives Enjoy Their Husband’s Visual Attention?
« on: September 03, 2018, 08:33:47 AM »
Whoa guys.   Oddly he asked for a woman's opinion and all of a sudden we are on the bandwagon of encouraging a split and lazy fat woman?   Really? 

First, as we all know porn directly influences a man's opinion of his wife both in and out of bed.  When my husband used, I had to ask for sex!  When I found him out, he said I never wanted sex.  And yet he was not in bed with me and sex, when it happened was just sex.  Not lovemaking.   Mind you looks and actions wise most people think I am 20 years younger than I am. So the lens and brain of porn do not serve the addict well. 

Your wife may have had difficulties with body image when she was younger, she may have been sexually abused or been in a lot of abusive environments.  This overides things from time to time.  If you say you are embarassed about her weight, she knows.  How does a wife overcome her husband's embarassment?  Especially if he is always looking at other women?  I often think of the smarmy song from a movie named Ice Castles.  It talks about looking at our partner, "through the eyes of love".  Try it.  Porn takes away that ability.

Now about her being  uncomfortable with your looking at her in the beginning.  You were someone she sensed was looking at her for sex.  And no not great when you do not know the person.  In fact it can feel damn creepy.   And if she has an abusive past,  the creepy is multiplied.  I would suggest joint counseling.  29 years is a lot to throw away !!  Remember eyes of love.  And by the way, my husband qualifies as obese put on a lot of weight due to porn.  I have walked by his side through his recovery.  He is the love of my life.  Obese or skinny.

45
Ages 40 and up / Re: Addict
« on: August 27, 2018, 06:44:40 AM »
Sooooo just a thought here.  Perhaps, if your wife is exhasted, you could say how about you take a relaxing hot shower or bath and then rub her fett with peppermint lotion and rub her back with no intent of sex?  Maybe have some food ready?  And then talk with her? 

Also, if she knows talk to her about how you are feeling?  The books Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Hold Me Tight:Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson are great at helping communication!!!  Good luck!

46
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 26, 2018, 08:51:51 PM »
Trying to help you not slip!  Perhaps others will be helped!!

47
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 26, 2018, 10:33:44 AM »
Ahhh the butt.  My husband's favorite view.  Best advice:  Keep chin parallel to the ground.   Think, if she were my daughter/grandaughter this would be YUCK!  (She is someone's daughter/grandaughter).  Not allow eyes to roam.  Focus on something that is shoulder height for you.  (This also helps with ogling, lingering looks, etc.)


Keep working Bob!  You can do this!!!!

48
Porn Addiction / Re: Sexualization of Nerd/Geek Culture
« on: August 26, 2018, 10:26:54 AM »
Over hundreds of years men have worn primarily the same clothing shirts and pants.  On the other hand, over the years women have ben aculturated to wear less and less.  Women are taught from birth that we need to look cute, sexy, beautiful, ugly dowdy etc by the clothes we wear.  The same is true of hair as well.   

49
Ages 40 and up / Re: Hope ...... (Male 50 married nearly 10 years)
« on: August 25, 2018, 07:21:23 AM »
Just remember, we as women are taught by our culture, our families, our husbands, looks are important.  We are also told that if our husband uses porn we are:  Too fat, not spicy in the bedroom, too old, too wrinkly, not enough of a sex drive, woman parts affected by childbirth, house not clean etc etc. 

So when porn is used it equals failure on our part.  I seriously thought my husband was having an affair.  I discovered his use.  Boy, what an eye opener.  You can get through this is the good news.  It takes a lot of work and commitment.  If you want to know more, pm me.

50
Ages 40 and up / Re: THREE YEARS NINE MONTHS PORN-FREE!
« on: August 18, 2018, 11:49:32 AM »
Hey!  Good to see an old familiar face!   Good to see you are still doing well and showing others it can be done!!!!!  Peace and much love to you.   It is important to know in this walk, whether the addicted or the partner to know there are those you can count on.

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