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Messages - Gracie

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: July 13, 2019, 06:05:05 AM »
Just checking in.  Bob you can do this!  You are worth it!  Your marriage is worth it!  Your wife is worth it!  One day one minute one hour each is a step in the right direction!!!

2
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 13, 2019, 06:01:15 AM »
This mus t have been very scary for your son!  Today on one of the news sites they had a video of JLo giving a lap dance to one of the US Women's soccer team members during a concert of hers.  My first thought was how is this news? Then why would she do that?   I try to help guide my grankids now, through all of this.  Their parents do a great job I am the assist.   I feel too many behaviors have become acceptable.   We need to keepb banging our drum of unacceptable.   

3
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: June 19, 2019, 12:58:47 PM »
I was a discoverer as well.  It really guts us when we find out this way.   I was devastated!  That is why I always tell men that if they want to change they need to be 100% honest with their partner.  I will tell you he has to want to change.  There should be boundries.  I set things up that I needed for me.  If you want to know more detail PM me.

4
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 16, 2019, 07:50:38 AM »
Aquarius, just my brief input.   First, I needed a break to get perspective.  But will be back.  I was a member of a Navy group that pertained to my dad's squadron.   Great group enjoyed reading their stuff and then one day truly inappropriate jokes (misogynistic) came up with pictures of women's breasts talking about the view.   I wrote my post teloing why I was leaving and that there were sons and daughter and grandchildren on.  They got pissed that I did not understand that men need to see this stuff.  So I left.  It was on Facebook.

5
I do not feel that PS said God is the only way.  He says it is multifaceted.  God and Christianity are one facet.  My husband used the research I did to get him on the right path.  He was so full of shame he  could not do it.  We committed to being a team.  And it worked for us.  Not everyone brings their wife into their recovery.  Many do not even tell her,  I was a discoverer.  So cat out of the bag.   It worked for us.

6
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 31, 2019, 10:37:57 PM »
I know a cazillion cups of coffee and someone who understands is priceless. 

I think porn just warps the way they think.  Do not think shemale is the preference for having sex with two people.  I think it is sex with oneself kind of a turn on for him. 

The first six moths I think I cried every day.  I felt so betrayed and lied to.  I also felt stupid. I was like How could he pull the wool over my eyes like that.  How could I miss the signs. I was a basket case.  Then it would be okay I can  do this and then boom right down the rabbit hole. 

Hope the interview goes well.  Let us know.

7
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 26, 2019, 08:03:19 AM »
How are you doing?  I know sometimes it is easier to live inside your head and try to figure it out. But talking helps, as in coming here.  I call it talk, weirdo that I am. 

8
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 18, 2019, 12:44:10 AM »
Glad to hear the steps you are taking.  Doing this work together is so much better.  It makes it so you can help one another!  I always like to see couples make it.   There have been men in the past that shared their struggles  and we have watched them grow and learn and become amazed as well.check in so we can talk!  Great having you here!

9
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 16, 2019, 11:15:16 PM »
Just checking in.  How are you doing?

10
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: January 07, 2019, 09:35:45 PM »
Here is wishing you a good birthday!  Hepefully you are doing better.  This is difficult to wrap our brains around as partners and we truly feel like we are going crazy.  Please reach out and ask anything you like.  We are here for you!

Gracie

11
Porn Addiction / Re: Rewiring in relationship or marriage
« on: January 01, 2019, 10:24:39 PM »
Well I guess in a roundabout way it is a successful rebooter.  My husband rebooted. Been clean 7 years.  And what i wrote is what we did.  Maybe pretend my name is Fred and I am talking about my wife and I.

12
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 30, 2018, 08:56:30 AM »
My one piece of advice for now is get the book I mentioned and read the blog as well.  A lot of great info for both SO and addict.  Keep taking care of your self and keep talking with your husband.   Good job with credit card statements.  He sounds committed to change and to helping you!

Gracie

13
Porn Addiction / Re: Rewiring in relationship or marriage
« on: December 30, 2018, 08:50:48 AM »
Try Kareeza.  My husband and I talked and came up with an interval of time to engage in being naked together.   I needed  physical touch.  We agreed on every other night.  We kissed cuddled did Kareeza.  Mostly no sex.  We had full body hugs morning and night in bed.  Slept nude.  Kissed hello and good bye, everytime we went somewhere with out the other, work, store, errands, every time.  That was what tuned us in to each other.

14
Porn Addiction / Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« on: December 28, 2018, 02:49:33 PM »
Thanks Gabe for your response.  As a partner, I do not care when someone talks.  I want it in the light.  I want people talking.  I want people to know that it causes consequences.  Whether some one talks as they are using, rebooting, a day after or a gazillion years after, makes no difference. Bring it forward!

Gracie

15
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 28, 2018, 02:30:09 PM »
It was good to see what you wrote D22.  I too looked back and could actually pinpoint when this all escalated to what I call "gee I don't like my wife anymore".  He withdrew, from me, the kids etc.   As a result, we were manipulated to only consider how anything would affect him.  When you read other SO writings you will see Narcissism is there.  And the men's journals often reflect this as well.  So yes we were manipulated. 

The hard thing for us as SOs is to realize that our husbands were looking through addiction glasses.  The world they see and saw was not real, it was filtered.  Not until we were a year and a half out did my husband realize how altered his world view was.  He realized quickly the pain and distrust he had sown was.  My complete brokeness was evident.  Even now 7 years out, he says he cannot believe the man he became.

The hard thing for me to acknowledge is that I looked at things through the filter of my pain and hurt.  I had to make a committment to what I wanted.  Did I want my marriage to continue?  Did I want to end it?  We, my husband and I, came to the conclusion we loved each other.  We worked together.  Sometimes one step forward and three back.  But work we did.  I still have painful times.  I still have tears.  But not often.  And I am glad I did not walk away from 26 years.    However, he made the decision to change and leave porn behind.  And he did change. 

16
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: December 26, 2018, 09:54:44 AM »
Hello, and I am glad you found this site!  Your story has parts that sound exactly like my sory.  Married, husband goes to bed later, sex life sucks, take kids places, comes home from work, watches tv, stays up and on and on.  Fortunately, mine only watched HBO and Cinemax not on computer, but porn is porn.

I was heartbroken.  Literally a babbling mess.  My heart hurt like someone had stabbed me.  That was 7 years ago.  We are together and in love.  But, the walk to here was not easy.  It is work.

First go to markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. Read everything in the tabs across the top and then read the blog material.  Tell your husband he needs to read them as well.  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer wrote a book, Love You Hate the Porn. Buy it and read it. These two things were what gave me hope.

Your will need to set boundries for your husband that will help you trust again.  So think about that, what will it take.  My first boundry was he and I go to bed at the same time and remain in bed all night.  For me that was non-negotiable.  Then I worked on others.

Your husband has a problem.  The hardest thing about this is he has to decide to get rid of porn. You cannot do that for him.  But take care of you.  Know that you have worth!  You are a mom, you are a caring person. You are important.   If you like, you can send me a private message as well.

Peace


17
Porn Addiction / Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« on: December 26, 2018, 09:27:17 AM »
Remington, what matters most is you said it outloud to someone.  It does not matter when ( although I do have a caveat I will explain).  Telling holds you accountable to remain free.  If you never tell, it is easier to relapse because no one will know.   Speaking outloud uses many of your senses and that is what makes the commitment real. You think what you say, your mouth is used to speak, your ears hear the words.  It further grounds you in your commitment to be rid of porn.  Good for you!

Now the caveat.  As a partner, I feel if you are married or in a long term committed relationship, you should tell.  I have a few reasons.  One is sitting and telling your partner is painful to them. I will not deny that.  But, it is far less painful than the partner discovering the use.  That my friend is devastating.  And as painful as disclosure is, it allows two to work on the problem.   My husband did not realize what it had done to him until we talked about how different he became. And how he made a decision about our sex life without including me. 

The other reason is, without telling your partner, it is easier to use and no one else knows.  Communication with your partneris the linch pin of use.  Porn causes the user to disconnect from others and becomes a false reliver.  Living in your head is not the answer.  To truly leave porn use behind, you must reach out to others for comfort, encouragement, understanding and most importantly love.

Just my thoughts.   And keep telling to those yoh can.  Bring this out of the darkness.




18
Perhaps the wife needs truly taken under your wing.  I know I helped someone and I am pretty forthright.  When she heard my brokeness at finding out and then my path it encouraged her.  I spoke of a wife's right to have a whole sex life and committment from her husband.   I explained that by choosing porn my husband did not include me in choice or choosing how our intimacy should be. 

Most men seem to be focused on the physical result of a body on porn.  They seem to be reluctant to discuss the very real psychological trauma to them through the change in their relationships.   And that is the piece, when it becomes the focus that brings long lasting healing. Read Saving my Soul's recovery . 


19
Porn Addiction / Re: Commit to Commitment in your Marriage
« on: November 28, 2018, 07:06:07 AM »
Rich,
I have avoided responding here hoping some of the other rebooters would read this and comment on the wisdom of your words.  I say that because when we women comment sometimes the thread just stops.  I was hoping others would have an aha moment and comment.

I want to say the process of healing from porn is attaching yourself to real live human interaction and communication.  We, as humans, are not made to respond to pixels.   We need love and that means giving love and receiving love.  We need caring which also works both ways.  We need companionship.  Once my husband worked through this, we are in a place that makes us now understand we are one.  Being totally committed to another is amazing.

Work it out like an equation. Susie plus Fred equals love and committment.  Not Susie plus Fred plus porn equals love and commitment.  There are only two in a relationship.

20
Hey all watched the vids back to back this am.   You all need to watch!  Very well put together!  I was IMPRESSED!   Great job to you as well Gabe!!!

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Time To Make A Change
« on: November 18, 2018, 09:19:52 AM »
Sounds like you are doing well!  Go to this site below.  It has a lot of information for both husband and wife. 

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: November 16, 2018, 09:49:28 AM »
BOB

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!  KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!!!!

23
Porn Addiction / Re: They Are Using You
« on: November 16, 2018, 06:26:23 AM »
Here's a great article linking porn and sex trafficking.Helps you understand the orgasmic pleasure being portrayed is fake!!!!

https://fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-porn-sex-trafficking-connected/

24
Gabe!   Thanks for putting this here!   So many need to watch it.  I want to say thank you for facing this addiction head on.  I appreciate that you shouldered the responsibily and shared your story.  Just letting you know!   

25
Porn Addiction / Re: Pills during reboot
« on: November 12, 2018, 05:28:50 AM »
The lustful part has not ever fully came back.  However, having gone through this, our marriage is different.  I believe Mayer's point in telling your wife, is that discovery by her can be a shit show.  Telling her controls emotions much better for both of you.  I was a discoverer after several years of feeling something was off in the marriage.  I actually thought there was an affair even though there was no time for one.  But our intimacy, ie closeness, talking together, sex life was non existent.  Their was no loving touch applied to anything.  So I would say wives know for many years, they just dont know exactly what.   

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