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Messages - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 21, 2019, 09:35:00 AM »
Dont know if this is a weird thing or not.. but was googling for a person for some work related. Then a image of a person having intercoarse was shown in one of the other thumbnails.. my eyes glazed over it, and then... I felt really.., like really sad.. just thought out "why..."

Naturally I didnt even want to view the picture, didnt press the thumbnail or anything.
Just observed how it killed me inside.. the feeling of sorrow and sadness... maybe it was a subconscious expression of all my life wasted on this bullshit in the past. Get sad just by writing it now.. I guess I am in a phase of hurting and getting over deep feelings from the past. It can only mean I am in the right path by having these emotions. Seems like I really want to meet with real life people, and not waste a single second watching pixels.

I have a past hobby of taking photos, so was viewing images on a forum site afterwards. I do see many beautiful women (not nude), and I am very aware as soon as the slightest arousal comes then I click away. I am mostly viewing as I am in awe of how the photographers take amazing pictures, and I feel like I want to go back to this hobby. It is not just for women-chasing, I would actually prefer to take images of children and men as I dont get performance anxiety etc. I have that issue if i'd have to photograph women,, I know its a false belief because I am actually really good at it. Social anxiety has held me back in many aspects in my life.. really sad.

anyways, I am thankful for sticking out a full month! Yaahh!.. I have not watched anything whatsoever, no pmo of any kinds - huge improvement.
I dont know if I am flatlining or what it's called.. I do feel lethargic and down these last weeks.. feeling down and just questioning everything. Just general dissatisfaction with life and not being fulfilled. But this has been an ongoing feeling through many years to be honest.. I think its my ADD that is causing most of these feelings. 

anyhow, I do feel getting rid of pmo is a great choice i've made and i am going through with it. I dont expect wonders of any sort.. just chosen to eliminate what I feel is not good for me.
Here is to one more month!.. :)

counter : may 21 / day 30

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 20, 2019, 04:38:16 PM »
Super stressed right now due to my work not going as I want it to.. struggling the most to make money. stressed financially and that is keeping me inside. That is not helping me on the social side, nor mentally being inside all day. I dont want to go back to an ordinary job, but maybe I have to.. I dont know. super stressed out, lost $ today and head is hurting...

I know my state is incredibly low after making the mistakes today. stressed and tired, + some lonelyness and nagging at people.. and isolating myself. yea.. that is no good at all. These are the times I usually watch something innocent and get lured into the rabbit hole and end up PMOing. but NO.. Not this time.. P is not an option. I will face my pain and sit through it.. I am not giving in.

Hard to motivate myself after failing over and over again with what I really want to do. Maybe Im just not fit to do this kind of work. man.. years wasted if I have to give it up.

counter : may 20 / day 29

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 18, 2019, 04:01:06 PM »
I've been doing KETO diet for a week or so today and felt groggy and low energy.. I think that was why I ranted yesterday as well, oh well..
Today we held birthday for a friend, There were lots of sugary stuff... but all I chose to eat was a very small slice of cake.

That is pretty good for a whole week of no sugar. I use to eat sugary stuff without being mindful about it.. but I have completely changed that.

Just like I somehow adopted the 'Trigger' thought for seeing women on the laptop, I have adopted the same for sugar and quickly observe myself and see the wanting.
Then I act in my best interest .. "I decided not to, so i'm not doing it".

I am proud that I am getting more and more disciplined. Something I always wanted..
hopefully I can hold this streak, I really feel I am becoming crazy observant of my thoughts and actions this time.

counter : may 18 / day 27


Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 17, 2019, 04:22:33 PM »
Hey, just wanted to comment on some things I read.

Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.
You are on day number 7 now!.. Try not to compare your day #7 with your 40-day streak or anything from the past. Those are bygones. You are here now my friend and #7 can turn into #10.. and before you know it the snowball is rolling.

I can tell we have some similarity in the loneliness part.. we really want to show ourselves and meet new people .. but have some fear of getting rejected, hurt by people. I am the same... but my conclusion is.. some people may have hurt us in the past, and that hurt can fill us up ,, so bad that we think that people in the future might hurt us just as bad. The thing is, all people are different, all situations are different.. this very moment you are reading these words.. you have never ever experienced before, a totally new moment and you would never guess i'd write yellow elephant right now, right?.. =) .. see..  its the same with new people we might meet ahead of us. We have never ever met them before, and sure enough, we can get surprised on a positive note. Hell, that person or the next could be a person that would treasure you for all that you are.

For the part with your mother. I dont know the full story, but what I do know is you are burying some feelings and rejecting your mother .. for something that maybe she fully isnt aware of. maybe she cant help it. maybe her mother or father brought her up in a way so he learned whatever behaviour you feel you are not getting. As you wrote me, compassion and love is the better way remember?.. Maybe, just maybe.. there could be a way you could forgive your mother... maybe just maybe, you could do something totally opposite of what she would expect,, maybe bring her flowers.. why? just because.. why not.. she held you in her arms and gave you life when you were a baby... she cared for you. Yea maybe some things got screwed up along the way, but she is still your mother.Maybe there was a way there to act with love and compassion. Maybe she needs the same as you do, ever thought of that?.. Who else than her son would be better to receive love from.

Sorry I did not mean to give unsolicited advice.. i often do that to people. I just wanted to invite you to think about the opposite side as well.

I really like your technique of speaking to your inner child. I have done this as well, and strange enough, that somehow works.. like, its like speaking to the subconscious and it responds.. When I do this process, usually my inner child answers with things it's afraid of.. I mentor him and tell him stuff like "can you see nothing happened, and you are ok." "did you ever think about the problem wasnt you, but it they were shy etc". stuff like that. I works wonders, well at least for me.. I need to do it more - thnx for reminding me ))

I like you have plans to keep yourself active.. maybe have a look at and find something with a low-bar. Like, attend a 1h meditation group. There is little commitment to that. and maybe you'll find someone that is into saxophones.

btw, regarding IG.. man, that shit can really trigger you. I dont know with you but images of women everywhere there. I deleted mine. Hated seeing people with "perfect" lifes and women flashing how "perfect" they are.. I felt I was missing out and made me feel more lonely and sad. If you can manage it, that is good. I couldnt so it had to go.

.... #7.. next up #10... as I have full confidence in you being able to control your emotions this weekend. I think you will be aware of you'r triggers more ,,  send it love and acknowledge that feeling are here now, but will soon go away. Invite them. Let them try to convince you to go back to old ways, but this time,, talk to the urges.. tell them with love, that they are welcome to stay here for a while, but you are releasing them. thank them for being there, they are not there to harm you.. show them compassion.

not sure if it makes sense)).. it might work,, who knows =)
have a great weekend

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 17, 2019, 03:52:28 PM »
Thanks Pete, will read that book once finished with this one. I have seen other mention it, so definitely worth a try to cement in how toxic this stuff is.

mobilfreak I totally get you, I have a black/white mentality and usually I dont place a greyzone .. its do or die. The thing is (as you mention) we are human and can fail.. and I do remember being hard on myself for not 'making it' (whatever it might be)... so me getting back up has always been difficult. You'r comment made me think it over.

I think I will change my perspective abit (and not be that black/white) to;  lets just take one step, one day a time... Appreciate every single minute and day I can abstain from this toxic content.
Have a hard time writing 'if i relapse then i'll forgive myself etc'.... I mean, I totally get what you are writing.. its just hard for me to have that safe-way plan.
Kind of confused right now hehe, because I know you are trying to help, so I wont be too hard on myself if i should relapse.. but the thought of relapsing disgusts me right now. I get sad thinking about it.. So it's like I rather want to burn my bridges and only stay strong and forge forward.

The thing is, I know life can happen.. stress, loneliness, people letting you down, feelings of not being good enough or doubting one self etc. All of these, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and maybe into relapse. I am aware of this process. I think i'm kind of denying that these things can happen emotionally right now.

I think the best thing would to have a plan if xyz would happen. fx.
IF I get aroused by watching a pretty face, and I find myself chase ; then I will do this.

like, being proactive rather than being reactive in that moment.

for now, my plan is this : if I get the feeling of arousal then shut it down!..
well, I hope this plan can last.. but man, I am a person with a lot of sexual needs which i am just putting on the side.. eventually it has to come out. I just hope I can find a girl to date/have sex with before my sexual tension builds up too much.

So far I haven't made any attempt of going after women. The last 1-2 years have been strictly focus on my business.. this has taken a toll on me, as financials are hard on me now.. and my living situation isn't optimal to bring women here. So I have just plugged away working nonstop daily. Not healthy I know...  but, this is how things are now.

I have an idea that says ; WHEN my business is thriving, THEN I can get my own place and first THEN I can allow myself to go after women.. it's like I dont feel worthy as things are right now.. its really a shame as I am sabotaging myself big time and not living in the now.

The good thing is I started to go to the gym again and build up muscle, that gave me confidence some years ago. That might help on the situation. But still have thoughts on my living situation and my business which is holding me back from .. well,, Life...  And without any real life, seeing people etc. then its a double whammy on the lonelyness which leads to .. me trying to comfort myself.. just a little.. which could turn into a loss of dicipline and rationalize a small pmo. You know the drill.  So this is my life right now. 

sry to rant) but the more i write here, the more I realise i need to change parts in my life. Maybe P is never the root-cause of all this.. maybe it's just me wanting to be acknowledged by someone.. someone that is proud of me.. someone that looks at me with dreamy eyes when I wake up,  and just love me for who I am. I've had it before... but that girl let me down big time and hurt me.
Since that day (3 years ago) I promised myself that I would focus on business and isolate myself. I've been doing that .. but getting little to no where. 

Not sure what to do as things are now... I think i'll just keep going with my work, and stay on the PMO free path. But I dont think it will fix my issues of social anxiety or loneliness.
I am really good with meeting women when I travel.. but back here, nothing. Just total isolation.  I haven't travelled for 1.5 years now, and its frustrating... but as financial things are now, I cant allow myself to travel.  so many things mixed up..

I think i'm being in a low state right now. am normally a very positive and strong person...
I can feel im just ranting here with thoughts all over the place, will stop now. thnx for commenting. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 17, 2019, 12:22:54 PM »
Doin well.. just an update to get myself accountable here.
I notice that when i browse youtube or anything, and if a beautiful woman pops into the suggested videos (I have a high trigger for beautiful faces) i am diciplined enough to quickly remove it.. Either I remove the suggested video in youtube, or instantly observe that I feel lust.. and my brains instantly says *TRIGGER* ... then I know to remove myself from the situation. Im really thankful I am mindful about that my feelings and how I can see when my body feels the urge to click onto that beautiful face.. nop, not doing it!..  I have to be honest that reading other posts in RN kind of scares me.. seeing other guys reboot every week or so... I just think to myself,, maan.. I dont want to do that to myself. I guess that drives me as well. Guess Im just fed up of not having dicipline in my life, and I am making up for it now. 

I trust myself and believe in myself that i can stick to the process. I have set my goal. its already done. nothing can stop me.

Will keep on reading YBOP and become more knowledgeable on why our brains act this way.  I will come here more often and write, as I think it helps me in my journey. If i let go, I have a feeling the odds of slipping into a desire would be much higher. Definitely not going that path.. Better to come here and spill out my thoughts.

counter : may 17 / day 26 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 16, 2019, 04:18:53 AM »
nice one thnx!  :D

im reading the book YBOP and really liking it!.. read this which I find very interesting

"Quitting isn't a cure all for your life problems – but it's the foundation, a ploughed field
in which you can sow seeds for a new future that isn't bedevilled by the secrecy and shame that comes with falling into the seemingly inescapable pit of porn-related despair that so many of us know. A life of hope and strength – not jizzy tissues, jealousy, bitterness, self-hatred, resentment and unfulfilled dreams.”

... a foundation where you aren't ashamed of yourself for doing what you know is wrong. I like that idea. I always liked the notion of respecting one self and doing what acts in ones best self interest.
i know for sure I feel like shit when PMOed, not going back to those low life actions again. yea I might be harsh here, but it's just me realising how low i've been throughout my years of pixel consumption, numbing myself ... not thinking.   I would love to say "i was thinking it would cure me, that is why i was doing it".. but no. I was not thinking at all ... just reacting of my lust, wanting and urges of my whatever the hell my body told me .. no self control whatsoever.   

Oh well, no need to go back in time and punish myself .. that was then. I am here now. I am going to the gym, eating crazy healthy (started keto) and meditating daily and I'm fucking lovinn it!..
hey year 2020.. your pmo-free ass is mine! I promise myself to become better, improve and go after real girls and enjoy myself. have fun. laugh. smile. become proud of my life.  I got this!

counter : day 25

Ages 30-39 / Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM »
Late 30s single and been dealing with P for a hell of a long time.. and its been robbing me for my self-worth.

as I started getting a computer since 13yo, my first search phrase was 'sex' in IRC forums and would happily wait +30min on a 14.4kb/s dialup modem, waiting for a picture of a women to show.
well, its easy to say things on the internet has changed since. P was somehow always around the corner, it got easier and easier to get a hold of. Going from magazines to torrents, high speed and yea.. you know the drill. I always had to have the release.. the quick fix. Little did I know that most of my anxieties and self doubt started because of this self medication. It was a way of comforting myself and showing myself love (i must have felt that) where I didn't feel I got it from the right places (my parents for example). So I just had to numb myself with these images to feel good.

As I got older I got into dating sites. I would say most of my sexual encounters are from the internet. I had a way with words online at that time, and ive probably been with +50women or so. Not that it is a thing to be proud of.. but I do have experience with women. Well, that was the days. Things are different today, but that is a story for another time.

I never had any PIED, my issues are with loneliness, feelings of not being good enough, worthy of love etc. and hence resolving to p to ease my mind. Which cascades into social anxiety and becoming somewhat a passive person, hesitating on a lot of things in life due to accumulated low self worth. I combated that with becoming great at things, mostly masculine things such as martial arts.

I am starting this journal so I can keep track of my progress. I started 29/4 so I am totally PMO free 24 days by now. I am not setting any goals for now.

Reading others journals kind of scares me, how the relapse can get a hold of people and creep back in. I have tried pmo free for months, but then life happened and I got stressed and fell back into it.. so I know how dangerous the cycle is. 

But from now on I have decided to be better myself. I have decided to respect myself. Why would I serve myself with thrash? Do I see myself as thrash? No! .. I am a worthy person that is worthy of love, compassion and someone that loves me for who I am. Even if it's hard to believe, I know it's the truth. But in order for the truth to come to fruition, I have to act correspondently. I have to walk the walk!

What does that mean for me?

1. I am hereby deciding not to view anything that triggers me, and lure me into the rabbit hole of endless 'just a little peek'
2. I am hereby deciding, that when a trigger comes (it will come) I will observe the feeling of desire, the feeling of an undisciplined mind, and I will chose to meditate instead.
3. I am hereby deciding to update here on a weekly basis at least until 01/2020. even if its just a counter update. I need to hold myself accountable.

I started my journey 24 days ago (29 april 2019), and im to this day fully PMO free. I look forward to continue this disciplined act with 1 small step every single day.
Know there will be times where triggers come, and I vizualise myself being steadfast, and removing myself from the situation instantly. I am not a religous person but am really praying to god that I can have the strenght to overcome the urges when the expected triggers come. So far I have been doing amazing and I am proud of myself... so now its just a matter of trucking ahead ever so slowly. There is no rush.. just 1% better every single day.

and to address my subject title. 'go through the pain'. I believe this is a must for all of us. Feeling the pain of withdrawal, the pain of wanting, the pain of cravings.. really feel it, and sit through it. I know easier said than done. But my belief is we will become stronger the day after, if we can just sit through the pain in that moment and not succumb to the desires. I look forward to see if I can do it. I have really had zero cravings so far.. I think reading blogs of others have affected me so much that is has sincerely scared the shit out of me. I have cried reading other peoples blogs, how this thing have destroyed their lifes... and then I got flashbacks of places I had to have the 'fix' and feel ashamed of how I could let it go on my entire life. Well, I do forgive myself and now i am only looking ahead.. but maan, I dont want to read myself in 5 years here again about me relapsing over and over again and my life is going to the drains. No fucking way!..  no fucking way.. I am not here to TRY.. I am here to fucking eradicate this bs fake pixel crap out of my life once and for all.

Last time I had a long streak (+5 months I believe it was), I messed it up by rationalising one day, that it was okey to view girls twerking on yt.. then it went on from there and fell back into it.
Not making that mistake again. Also I remember starting edging, playing with myself with a bathmate etc. also a wrong choice. I learned and im wiser now. No temptations what so ever. I am here to go through the pain this time. if any triggers come ; I shut it down!..... I got this for good this time!!

final note. why did I attach the image of BL?
Look at his eyes.. what are they saying? "dont fucking mess with me"..
Look at his character.. "im not the one to be messed around with".
Look at his tightened jaw "I might look calm, but expect fire upon you"

... he is certain in himself. He glows a calm demeanour, yet power within. He has confidence that he can kill anything on his path that tests him. He is not bullshitting, his eyes says it all. "I will take you down with every inch of fiber in my body". ..... This is how I feel now.. that feeling, where I am certain I can give this up for good. Please god give me the strength.

Thank you for reading.

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 13, 2019, 11:15:38 PM »
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: March 13, 2015, 07:32:19 PM »
everything is going okej. having some difficulties with something recently.  gotten a bathmate like 1.5 month ago and been using it. getting good results with it... but then I began to see some pictures initially while using it, and later on some vidoes of girls twerking on YT. hmm..  I guess I was rationalising it was ok, since i only used it to stay hard and use the pump.  today i fell into the trap of watching some lesbo crap and had my first PMO after like 88 days,, damn..  but not taking too much hard time on myselfe though. ... but not sure if i should reset counter,, guess it was a slip and felt a bit ashamed.. but nothing like before starting this journey. before rebootnation i felt like the lowest you could get.

but anyhow.. time to correct the spaceship.
again, I led myself in a destructive path with the ever slowly watching "innocent" images, that led to this. I should have seen it coming. hmm,,  steps to correct this?..   not use any ipad whilst using the bathmate device. just gotta use imagination like i did the first month. 

regarding to girls and dating etc, there havent been any action. well, ive gotten numbers, but they flake.. so just focusing on myselfe recently. workout, chilling, my kid, working on the app-biz etc.
Not taking life too seriosly actually,, and i need that. I've been working jobs since i was like 13-14..
So I feel I deserve a break and take a chill.

Decided going to poland with my buddy in april to game some girls and learn some more. the weather is also getting better, so hopefully that will get the girls mood better as well.

btw also started motorcycle driving lessons. I felt like I wanted to try something new.. =)

other than that, just trying to find myself and work on myself 1 day a time.

take care everyone =)

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: March 13, 2015, 07:15:23 PM »
hey bro, hope u are doing good. just checking up on you

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: February 22, 2015, 01:28:52 AM »
bro, its crazy... I was in the gym yesterday,, and after working out a bit I was looking at a set of 36kg loose weights for some bench press.
I didnt think i could take them, but I asked a guy "hey can u help me,, I think i can just take 2 sets"... I wanted to achieve the two sets,, then at least I have tried.. and next time i might be able to take 3.

So I took the weight, and guess what.. I took 8 sets all alone,, he helped me with the last one only =)
what happened was I underestimated my self. There was no reason for that.  The result was I took weights that made me sore much more,, which will make me grow!..

its a cool analogy you bring up, with life and workout. Its true man..  push past it anyway and youll get stronger.
but the key is Push and Action.. "Knowing is not enough, You must Apply".. 

Feeling overwhelmed can get to you, it can quickly take over and put you all bummed out in the couch, wanting to do nothing..
letting you sit and watch crap (either the net or tv) and not going after what you want. This is the hard part,, and this is the part where we need to push.. push to change our habits.

Yea man I have my son.. actually we just woke up and he is sitting beside me eating some breakfast. taking him out to a shopping mall where they have this inside skiing later :)
I will update my post soon =)

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: February 21, 2015, 03:11:47 PM »
You are really a good father.. you are taking responsibility for your daughter and making sure to be there for her. I have no doubt in my mind this is the best way, for you and your daughters future relationship.
I can understand this path doesn't come easy,, but you are doing it for your family, your blood.. nothing better to choose than this.

Some how, Fight Club came to my mind when reading your posts. Ill try to refer some stuff to your situation.

Quote Chuck Palahniuk; "It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything."
As I see it, you are getting rid of some strings in your life.. strings that are not doing you good here and now... You are looking long-termed..  Where do I want to be in my future.. Let me get rid of the crap I dont need / makes me happy,, and let me go towards the stuff that makes me happy,, and gives me better life quality in my future self.  You are becoming more minimalist and choosing the stuff that are important for you.

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Day by day, you are becoming more observant of yourself, your thoughts.. your inner demons and listening to yourself much more.. You are processing your thoughts better and becoming AWARE,... Aware of shi*t you dont need.. getting rid of excess and keeping your favorite stuff.. Aware that you WILL make it no matter what happens in your life.. Becoming aware, that you are not giving 1 fu#k what other people think of you... Aware that anything is possible and you can start over with your life as of, NOW!..  You can become the person you want to become... and all external stuff, the fancy stuff.. you dont need that. Keeping it simple. 
Your situation will switch eventually, try not to worry and steer towards the light pole, if you know what I mean. Focus your mind on how awesome u are ,, that you are the shit! :)

Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
You might experience some pain right now bro. I understand your time now is hard for you.. Situation with ex and daughter, bankruptcy, financial standing, the house,..   But I feel there is energy inside of you that wont give in,.. you have a ton to give. You have my 100% trust,, I know this pain is here now, but just here to subside and to leave. Remember, after the rain will come sun!..  keep in there bro. I know you will find opportunities and find your way. dont ever think less of yourself or capability..  Just trust your gut,, that right now, you are on the right path...

Seeing your daughter more is the best decision man,.. as a father myself I can relate to this and much respect for doing what you are doing.

What it comes down to basically,, you are taking responsibility for your life.. you are changing your ways for the better. Are thing unsafe, uncertain, not knowing the future and unpredictable?.. Yes.. this is what it is suppose to be!.. Its called living and feeling alive.. its following your gut instinct and tearing down the invisible walls around you.
Will this be hard?,, I cant even imagine how hard it is right now man.. but I know you will find a way.

will leave u with a final quote from Bruce Lee.   

..."To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities."

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: February 11, 2015, 07:45:17 PM »
thanks alot man :) ..  the date got cancelled due to some work related stuff, but she is down to meetup soon. and working on another girl I met some time ago as well.. trying to hit up a date for next week.

Yea i am sure, and much more confident in having dates now =) I actually look forward to it, instead of before not wanting and feared the dates. the fact that i might sweat always worried me.. but now, if I even get that thought, I just let it pass aside and think "of coarse im going to rock the date.. she will love me!" ..  and with that mindset, I look forward to meetup the girl.

I felt the last days that when home at nights, my brain was hungering after seeing girl-pics again.. but this time I observed my actions quicker and didnt let it go further than 5-6min...   then I went to rebootnation to read some material, and I saw your last post.. where u linked to this :   that is an amazing post!.. thanks for sharing.

So I've decided not to arouse myself with the pics anymore. yea, my brain was trying to get the dopamine rush .. by replacing it with some images. It tricked me to think "ahh its nothing, just some images of yoga girls butts" hehe.. It got to me.

I had my first orgasms the last day, and it was because i got myself aroused by browsing some yogagirl images... I guess I browsed for like 10-15min, closed the laptop..  imagined some stuff and orgasm..

but I dont feel bad at all, have done it. I dont feel like it was a relapse or anything.. I learned more about myself. I had not had an O for +50 days... and I felt it didnt do anything for me. I felt it was not worth having that orgasm, for nothing. I had myself aroused and that lead to an O

...  So today I registered myselfe wanting to search for the stuff again.. but I quickly shut it down.  Its better to not arouse myself with fantasies.. it serves no point.. its not doing making me get more women by looking at images. 

So decided to go out more and talk to women.. making it a priority!.. My wingman is not around at the moment, so im going out myself even if its tough. and the downside is there havent been any women i'd like to stop the last week. But the main part is im doing something I didnt do before. I am going out, alone, to cafes, walking the streets... I really enjoy it!... 

And now I dont have a full-time job either, I got laid off   (it was planned btw -  I was fed up with the corporate world and planned this all along.)
So now I am enjoying my freedom, waking up when I want to, do what I want to.. learning new skills and taking care of myself.
I am sure I will do better with women, just as well as I'll find a opportunity within making money online and living a passive income life..

It would be awesome to meet up some time man! for sure!!.. Ill let u know if I am traveling to states, and u can tell me if coming to europe some time.. maybe we can arrange something if we are both close.

Gwyn, welcome to the forum man!..  yea alot of changes will happen for the better,, just stick to the program! :) ..
yea man you are right!..  especially expanding your comfortzone and working on mind and body!.. I am hitting the gym hard as well recently.. my body is growing and shit is looking more tight every day :D .. that feels great!.. 

I just finished reading "Osho - The joy of living dangerously".. Very good book about our fears and jumping into the uncertainty of life.. instead of living a passive life not worth living. He is advising meditation alot.. at least 20min a day. I am trying to do it..  its just I have to prioritise it better.

so regarding to meeting women, I have to make it a MUST.. make it URGENT. and take MASSIVE ACTION  (yea ive been listening to tony robbins lately haha).   

But really, I feel sometimes my brain is trying to get back to old habits.. trying to somehow avoid going out.
At least im observant and wont let it :D ..   its trying to lure me...  no no no..  its dealing with the wrong person haha..   

Tomorrow ill head out again. Hope a nice woman crosses my path so I can show my ego that its all good'.. this is the new Me,  by doing it again and again and again.. till there wont be any worries about "who is watching, im stopping this woman all alone".. 

yea man im staying strong :) .. I am carrying on!.. 
Thank you for your support as well.. I am sure it would not have gone this well, without knowing an awesome guy like you was reading and responding to my posts.


Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: February 11, 2015, 07:01:58 PM »
What a great post!..  and thank u for that link,, its been really good reading it!..
Look forward to read how everything is going with you and business. We speak up soon :D

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: February 05, 2015, 07:27:06 PM »
Hey   :D
A quick summary.. its 52 days now, no Porn no Orgasm .. hehe   its pretty crazy.
so here we go.

When I started out I experienced massive wood.. I still get that.. Now its not just when I wake up middle of the night/mornings. I can talk to women, and from the joy of taking action / having an awesome conversation I can get a wood. That is awesome in itself haha.. feels really great and women sense changes in you. I dont need to fight porn away or anything.. Its just not a part of me anymore. In the beginning I had cravings, but now my mindset just doesnt see it as an option.. which leads me to

I feel more and more confident in myself.. for every day!.. I just got fired today (dont worry, it was a part of my plan=) and I feel awesome!.. I know opportunities are lying ahead!.. I am no longer a sheep of a 9-5 job.
I stop women every day.. before this, hahaha.. I would not approach women just out of the blue'.. I was Nervous as hell!.. but now, my mindset is like "fuck it.. what u got to loose"..  I do listen to self-made affirmations daily which helps me I am sure. All in all, I am listening to my body much much more, and takes us to

Nature is guiding me towards the things I want, and I go for it!.. Ive longed for a girl for a long time.. Ive longed to quit my high-paid job (but low life/work-quality) and I did it.. I am listening to my heart and not letting my mind block me for the things I want to pursue. By not numbing my brain, some switch has been made for sure in my mind. Like nature is feeding my mind some wolf-cells in it and telling me to "GO!.. GRIND!.. FAIL AND FIGHT!".. Nature is taking over my mind and body and projecting a more Dominant, Masculine figure.. An awesome Guy.. actually the guy that i have always been, but didnt have the courage to be.. to let him shine through.  Had I been masturbating to porn, I'd be all lazy and feel bad every day... and a feeling of not being Alive, yet a 'passive' persona.

Fear is not real. I have known this for a long time...  but actually going towards my fears? Actually heading towards the abyss, the uncertainty?..  What does that take... it takes a MAN. A Man that takes a decision and sticks to his decision no matter the adversity along the way. It takes COURAGE. Now listen... I know im only 52 days in, but I feel I've grown as if it was 12 months!..  The boldness, the courage, the power ive gotten is crazy. Observing my habits daily, Changing my bad habits and finally .. finally facing, my fears. for they are not real. I am failing every day but this is millions times better since im Growing every day!.. 
I am observing my ego much more.. the ego thats trying to put up the invisible walls around me .. but im not letting it keeping me caged. Im breaking the walls every day. I am becomming stronger for each day, to not let the fears control me.. I take the control!

As you see, alot of change is happening for me for the good. I am not sure if I can put all on it being keeping away from PMO. But obviously this has helped tremendously!..
But I can tell you one thing...... The support here has been worth gold for me. Finding someone to write with here, thats going through the same journey..
someone that takes the time to ask how one is doing.. and letting u know you are on the right path. I cannot put a price on that.. Im so thankful. It has helped me ALOT towards being a better version of me. ntg has been the best support for me here!.. thanks brother - and high-fiving all other guys in here thats been supportive as well!.. thanks for welcoming me to this awesome journey!..

So where is life headed from now?.. I can tell you for certainty. Porn is no longer an option at all.. I will NEVER go back to that fake crap. It destroyed alot of me before.. I will not let it anymore. There will be a time where I will laugh at it for even trying to enter my mind!..

and for the rest?... I have an awesome journey ahead of me. I will follow my passion and grind to make a living of it. Im extatic I got fired today!! YESSSS!!! FREEDOMMM :D :D
I am not going back to 9-5 corporate office zombie jobs, hell no!..

I will be traveling more this year.. and Im sure it will lead to new possibilities in my life.

Negative stuff
sorry there is just one thing, I must admit, I have been seeing some pictures of women in yoga pants haha.. but thats it,, I didnt obsess about them or anything, max 5min of checking some pics out.
I cant say that is too bad,, thinking of the progress i've made :D :D .. but I do get horny, alot .. haha for godness its been 52 days with no sex or anything..  so yea the women can sense it on me.. most of the women I've stopped have a boyfriend.. and not just being an excuse.. I think women here has boyfriends in winther time, and summer time they are more available :D .. We will see.. But when I get home, I get in the hot-tub,, I do think of women, might see some pics of the yoga girls but thats all. not doing anything .. just hoping and wishing that tomorrow will be a better day with more women to talk to :)     but man I do feel the pressure rising hahaha..  but I told myself, Im not doing anything before its real sex! .. Im sure I wont even last 1second when having sex next time hahaha.. but there are 12 rounds in a boxing match :D

52-day conclusion
I was about to write this is the best thing happening for me ever, and I burst to tears.. Im so thankfull for finding this site. This has been the best journey so far and I love how my life is changing towards the better for each day. Stuff I always been dreaming of, wishing for.. now I am actually living it!..

and ntg bro, hehe.. not swimming in women yet.. but im getting better an being social and showing myself as a MAN!.. Stopping women everyday, but with all the snow and stuff,, not a lot of nice women out..
but I met a really nice 29-30yo woman yesterday.. and she seems to be into me as well :D so I really look forward to have some red wine with her.. perhaps this weekend.

But mostly I am just glad I am becoming better at the social-skills each and every day.
I do not care for results with women right now.. I am just following the plan and executing :) .. the rest will come eventually.. I am a patient guy ;) ..

I hope it was a little inspiration for the newcomers as well. I am also a newcomer, but I feel and see a Huge change already. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: February 03, 2015, 03:28:37 PM »
Brooo!! U are doing awesome as ever man!!
Keep feeding your minds with positive stuff (as I see you are doing with the YT videos :D  - Keep em coming!) ..

You are headed in the right direction. Keep doing the stuff that makes you happy. Keep doing what u love to do.
This is very important for all of us.. to have a sense of direction as a man.. following our passions!

and yea, I totally agree with you, that women sense, that we are doing something better for our selfes.
I wishing the best for going at your company!.. remember to work on the things you find awesome, and outsource the boring stuff!.. ( i just alot ).

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: January 31, 2015, 05:07:30 AM »
Bro that's awesome man!!! Ur going STRONG! Loving it ur taking controle of ur body.. Talk to ur muscles, tell them ur the boss!! I bet u know videos of CT fletcher and Mike Rashid,, they do the same when they train, rather overtrain!.. And it's fuckin awesome. Ct fletcher also has an app that pumps u even more,, it's great!  Yea man Gregg Plitt was the biggest inspiration (rip) his words and actions are a huge inspiration!..  Cool you are getting help from other forums as well..I can see how much this is helping me, so definitely forums are great! I think I'd like to find a forum for business, maybe passive income forum.  I wanna hit the gym now after reading ur post!! It's been a week missing the gym for me as well,, and my body is craving the pump!! :D thanks for the post bro! Ur an inspiration and u keep me motivated to do better in my life.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: January 31, 2015, 04:54:47 AM »
Thanks for checking up bro!..
Yea 47 days .. Never thought I could do that long when starting out hehe. I'm still doing great and nothing is stopping me :D still going at the challenge with stopping women daily. Some days I get better reactions and some days I get numbers,, but most of them don't reply haha,, so I know this is a part of the game. I'm not taking anything personal or getting all emotional about it.

 It's just a plateau and its all a apart of the game. I'm keeping at it. I've never stopped that many lady's, so it's pretty crazy coming from a place where I didn't have the balls to say anything to women because I thought I was shy. I just needed action in my life, and accepting to fail with women in order to find out I weren't actually shy.. In order to get a woman in my life. Just going out and trying, failing and learning is the best thing ever happened for me :D

Yea bro I am a strong man :D .. I have actually created affirmations for myselfe.. 1 hour of audio I listen to daily. That shit helps correcting your mind!.. It just needs to be listened to daily or won't help. The best way to make the adfirmatikns is to install an app on phone called "opinions" an audio voice recorder. I already had prepared +300 affirmations whilst reading A book of Pook (awesome book if u want more women in ur life)

Thanks for following up on me :D

Ages 30-39 / Will you fight like this guy, when adversity comes?
« on: January 26, 2015, 06:02:04 PM »
I am 42 days in and its going good for me.
However, I am preparing for a tuff time. They will come to us all.

Days where we feel beaten, down and feels like nothing will go in our way.. like nothing good will turn out. be ready for those days. they will come.

but who ever said this would be easy?.. no one, because if this was easy.. everyone would be doing it right. remember yourself that this is suppose to be hard!

"what if I get beaten down" you ask?.. you will get beaten down where you feel like giving up... but the fight is never over untill you let it. Its in your hands, you are in control always!... 

give me 5minuttes of your time.. and watch this clip and tell me what you see. then get back to this post.

What do I see?
I see a man that is severly beaten up..

He can barely see out of his eyes.

He can barely stand up...

he gets knocked out twice, yet he finds the fortitude to stand up again..

He is almost beaten,, but his heart tells him to continue the fight. Continue the struggle.

He wont quit. 

... at a point his coach Joe Rossen looks him in his eyes and tells him "you better fucking go inside on him".... 

think of it, his coach didnt think of the fact that his fighter was about to loose..

he focused on the direction he needed to go! :: Forward and never ever give up.

...What happens in the next minuttes you see for yourselfe.

You will see a man that did not give up, even if everything appeared to be the end of his career.

He Fought with every last breath, every last energy in his body to win the battle.

Remember this fight.. and be ready for adversity when they cross your path. They will.

... Dont ever give up. Ever! You are in control.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: January 26, 2015, 05:29:03 PM »
Im really proud of you man!! I look forward to get that mail from rebootnation to see if any posts from you. You are making huge progress!! I am glad your brain is beginning to heal itself and ever so slowly get a much better positive perspectice on women... and not in a porn related way. Your progress will graduatly make you love women more, become more masculine and become a better you - you totally deserve it. You are a good man and I am sure you have done some things in your life, you might think less of.. which you actually shouldnt. Think back of some things you were proud of,, now take that feeling and double it. You deserve being proud of yourselfe. Dont let anyone tell you less of yourselfe,, not even "yourself".

thanks bro, I have my wingman for now and I am taking action for now.. I think too much info will be too much at the momenbt. I will proceed with that for now - but thanks for the offer, ill say so if needed.  Im reading "a book of pook" at the moment and really learning some good stuff from there as well.

awesome you took action and acted first!! that inspires me so much. which reminds me of one of the first lessons in a book of pook. let me paste it here.. i hope its ok.


“Rejection is better than Regret”
“Remember,” said Pook. “Change is gradual. Before, you saw no opportunities.
Now, you see them all about you, yet you are too hesitant to take them. You’re
slowly becoming more aware.”
“What are you saying?”
“When you find yourself hesitant, always yield to Action. If you see her, do not
wait, gawk or wait for a ‘perfect moment’. Action, action, action!”
“Pook, I cannot. You see… I am insecure. I don’t have that confidence!”
“You are confusing CAUSE and EFFECT. The CAUSE of your hesitant nature is not
because of your insecurity. You have not gotten what you’ve wanted, what you’ve
desired. THAT is the cause of your hesitant nature.”
“You are caught in the vicious cycle. You are hesitant because you are not used for
things going your way. And things will never go your way because you remain
hesitant. You see what you want, become hesitant, and the door of opportunity
closes. It happens again. And again. And again. With each choice towards
Inaction, you reject yourself a little bit more.”
Pook continued. “This is where that cycle of hesitation leads. In your world of
Hesitation, you shred off more and more of your manliness until you turn into a
full-fledged Nice Guy. Then you seek to remove hesitation by making the approach
risk free. Then you start giving gifts, poetry, flowers, and declarations of love. You
start to examine and re-examine non-existent signals until they read the way you
want them to read. In the end, you place her on the pedestal and throw yourself to
her worship.
“If there is a choice between less pain or the possibility of more pain, we default to
the less pain. In adolescence, going for a girl and failing made you think everyone
else would laugh at you. Whether or not it was true, you thought it was true. This
was how you were kept within the cycle.”
“But Pook! How do I get out?”
“By realizing that the choice of Inaction is more painful than Action. Childhood is
over. You are the MAN. You must approach. Always default to Action now. From
those of us who wasted years in that hesitation mode know that Rejection is always
better than Regret. Always.”


She seems to be a good girl which can support you as well. So awesome you cuddled and kissed for hours... And a big progress in how your brain is re-wiring,, and your mind disassociating being with women.. so awesome you are feeling more aware and feeling how wonderful it is being with a woman, and not thinking of porn and such.  You are on the right path.. you are being in control and taking the right decisions towards a better mind and body. Your body is thanking you each and every day for that.. proceed doing what your doing. I know nothing will stop you now.

Thanks Leon, Im glad I inspire others here =). I am just a newbie in this, but I see how much this helps me in a positive way, so I love to share my experience with others. Thank you for the encouraging words ntg bro =) .. yea man this is definetly more helpful that I could ever imagine. When I created my account, I'd never think, that typing down my thoughts and feelings would be this helpful.

Bro im like 41 days in or so,, my body is going crazy haha.. today i was a passanger in my friends car and seriosly i felt like a Wolf.. My eyes were scanning for women (and it was raining outside)..  My mind is working towards Reality.. Facing Fears.. Getting "rejections" from women and a hunger for learning to improve with women.. I am becoming... HUUNGRY!! :D  No more artificial stuff.. I lust for being a masculine man and stating what I want. bro, wait till you get to day 41 hahaa... this shit is crazy lol..  porn is the least im thinking of. Now I just want to learn.. get better.. So I can have real-life relationships with women.  This is helping us so much in alot of ways, and Im glad we here are supporting each other to become a better version of our selfes.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: January 26, 2015, 03:44:09 PM »
thanks for the support bro! :) am so glad you are following my progress.
today was fun as well, stopped a really quick-walking girl,, i was assertive and playful and didnt follow her quick pace, i just said in a assertive fun and playfull way "yo wait, come here.. come here :D... just 2 seconds.. " and she came back and talked to me, but she was in way hurry so i made fun of it and she said thanks and walked .. a fun stop. Yea bro its getting better :) and not doing P is helping as well... but also the massive support I get from you and my wingman for sure!!

id love to know more about channeling my sexual energy bro.. pls send me some info.

i had one woman in a mall, id reeeaallly like to stop.. i went for her, but then my mind began to think too much about it "you are in a mall.. you might sweat, and she might see it..and then what?.. " shit like that.. so she passed me, and i didnt approach her. Too much thinking .. and right now, sitting at home and really annoyed about it. But I can use this negative energy in a positive way.
I can take that as a lesson, and next time actually going for it.. whether its just giving the compliment and ejecting. yea.. that I should have done. Thats actually how I started on the street...

yeaa,, it all comes toghether now! hah..  off coarse.. if i want to approach women in mall/shoppiing center etc. I should start small - compliment and eject. do that enough times, untill your body is confident with it.. then on to next step.  wow, I just had an aha moment while writing it down here :D

your right.. keep reminding yourself "is she something for me?.. hmm, let me find out." .. and again with next woman, "is SHE something for me?.. let me find out. " simple as that. switching your mindset !!  I will wake up early tomorrow, head out and workout.. then work on my laptop in a cafe, then ill hit the streets alone again. this time in another city.

Ages 30-39 / Re: time to kick this
« on: January 25, 2015, 01:11:08 PM »
pd38, props for helping others out man!..
hey troys welcome man..  you can do it!! keep up the good work. We all started same place.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: January 25, 2015, 01:07:29 PM »
alright.. this weekend, the last days.. ive learned a couple of things.
so me and my wing has this "stop a woman per day" challenge.. we went to sweden the last days, and I stopped 3 women and got 3 numbers,, it was crazy! I was totally boss that day.
I learned I can get numbers from hot women, I learned I can approach anyone without anyone giving a sh%t.. and it was just an amazing day.

then yesterday, I had this amazing date with an amazing woman.. she was soo intelligent and we spoke for 5 hours straight.. amazing date ever. I was very nervous to meet her initially,because of her workstatus, her career ,, and the fact I havent dated for many years. But she was just as awesome as me :D .. we totally clicked. We kissed at my place later that evening and it felt really good.. I got hard while she was talking, so thats a good sign hehe..  She wasnt specifically my type (the blond type thingy),, but we hit it off really good. Anyways, I learned that dating is awesome! there was nothing to be afraid of, og anxious of..  it was a good time, with some good cocktails and awesome conversation. So I look forward for more dating in 2015

so what up with P you ask?... dude, I havent orgasmd in effing 41 days haha.. and not seen P either.. and im still lovin it!! My mind keep re-inforcing I dont need that shi# .. it simply has not done anything good for my life,, at all!..   Im not sure how long I can keep in the man-juices haha,, because some times I feel like O..  but I am 100% I wont be doing it to any screen of any kind. But I am still keeping my T-levels high.. Im approaching women daily (the challenge),, and actually another wingman jumped along the challenge, so we are 3 persons that has to report an audio-clip approach daily.  Its pretty awesome and way out of my comfort-zone, but I am getting better each and every day.. and just more aware of the things im doing right/wrong and what to make better for next time.

so all in all, im still in the game. Im still doing awesome and I wont let anything in my path to stop me!! Porn is not a ##cking option!! Im so much more glad now, I am actually going out,, meeting women.. and they Love it!.. holy shit thats another dimension hahah..  right now its snowing here, so the conditions are not that good, but there is no excuse - 1 stop per day,, MUST. So one must become creative. (malls, grocery stores, train stops, get out of car and approach girl) .. its crazy but fun.. and not so much frightening anymore haha.

I know I will get better with women when I am keeping it up at this pace. Thanks all for support and cheering on me=) .. approaching women and having women in my life, is something I have had really big issues with the last 10 years. and now I am actually taking action towards my "fears" by expressing what I want.

and I am sure that stopping the P has done tremendous for this development. Have I been jacking it off to P daily still,, there would be No chance I'd go out and do what I do. I would be numbing my mind, spirit and body to fucking lazyness.. to not want to go out and get real-life women.
thinking of it.. It was a medicine to avoid confrontation, to avoid getting rejections ,.. because my Ego could not handle that. That would be a big breach to my oh-so snow-flake special like ME.. oh now.. if I got a rejection, everyone in the world would now and I would be considered the biggest looser...

Fuck that!! now, I dont give a fu#k.. To hell what people think of me,, let them talk! They dont have the ball to do what I do... and thats why I am getting better.. thats why I am improving myself.
Only a true man will conquer his fears.. 

sorry for the rant, just had to get some stuff out =).. all in all, doing Awesome

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: January 25, 2015, 12:44:11 PM »
hey bro,
how was ur weekend?.. how is business going and have you had your daughter this weekend?
I presume you are still in the game,, actually I expect that from you bro :) .. we are doing this together. Im 41 days in and feeling awesome.

How about triggers?.. anything you remember of?.. where u thought of P for a second?..  Im curios to know.

keep us updated. :D

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