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Messages - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 30, 2019, 06:15:17 PM »
                                                           Day 40 !
Boom!!.. did it.. no peeking, no pmo, no nothing what so ever in forty days.. milestone!

I am getting better at feeling the sensations in my body, when it wants to lure me towards peeking or smth like that. I instantly feel it, recognise it for what it is (lust for fake endorphins and stimulus) and kindly say "naah, we aint going there buddy". That's what has been working for me, so will optimise this process along the way. Thankful I can keep my emotions at bay, surely not easy but manageable. To be honest, I don't ever think its going to be easy.. the quick-fix solution will always be readily available and most likely the internet will become more flooded with enticing ways for quick-fix "solutions" for low state emotions. My focus will be on this ; Managing. This is all I can do, feeling the feelings inside and communicating with them.

Here is an example of self-talk / self-communication whenever a lustful feelings would arise;
"hey.. I see you are feeling like this right now. You are feeling lust because you stumbled into something you really like here. That is nice, but hey.. remember the past?.. how much you've spent time viewing all of this stuff?.. It didn't get you what you were watching at that moment did it?.. naah.. so why would it now?..  I do understand it makes you feel really good right now.. but please understand what you are watching right now, is not real. Kindly pull the eject button and lets go do something else. "

This form of guiding self-talk is working for me.
So, going for the five-o now.. the 50 :).   
....Can I do it.. hell yeah!

Positives this week : Slowly starting to creep out my layers of feelings of inability and sloth. Been working on a business-plan for an IT company, finished up business processes etc and mocked up everything for a website. Starting to reach out to designers to inquire for prices of a landing page and flyer. So slowly getting started on making a business for myself, instead of sitting home not doing jack.. That has really killed me the last many months, and finally getting myself out the pity party and making some changes. My biggest challenge will be the mindset of making money for my company,, as i've been institutionalised the last 20 years or so (working for large companies).. I got out of that some years ago, but never really made anything for myself. So having it a go at this.. I have the skills and confidence to provide IT services so I know i'll be a boss at it. It's 100x times better than sitting in a room and breathing the same recycled air and watching a screen for 15/h a day.. I cant do that shit anymore.. I need to get out, go meet people.. fix shit, make people happy.. and make money of it. Let's see where it goes... but taking the step now and leaping forward.
I got this!..

counter : may 31 / day 40

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 28, 2019, 07:23:10 AM »
Thank man! really appreciate you'r comment.. It definitely gives me some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Yea I can totally understand you, my body starting to scream for me to do something, anything, to get in touch with real women. I am 100% positive I will get there.

Glad you got through the depression and ended up seeing that girl! Thanks for the encouragement! really helps)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 28, 2019, 06:46:51 AM »
Need to make a quick update, couldn't wait to day 40.
Years ago I tried quitting this, I made the mistake of suddenly vanishing after some months of free pmo.. thinking I was cured.
I vanished from the site and boom, life hit in some mystery way, and I fell into the trap.

I am not making that mistake again (vanishing from here).. I'd rather update every day. I've found it very helpful to journal on a daily basis to stay clean.
So that's what I am going to do. Keep updating that counter and go through the storm =)

So whats up.. I dont know why I look forward to the 40-day number so much.. I guess its a goal of mine, a milestone.. never set that goal but somehow that number has a meaning to me.
so.. 3 days to go :) :) ;)

Besides that.. I am horneyy as fuck. My machinery is pulsating constantly like crazy.. my body is sending my impulses to release all that energy all the time.
.. "just take you'r hand and do it" is the signals I get all the freaking day, from I get up (with a hard ass wood naturally) to late night.   
I am resisting like crazy trying to stay active in other areas.. searching for business ideas etc.  But today the pressure is like a effing boiler about to explode!.. I have to go to the gym today or all that energy will burst and make the earth shake on a richter scale 10.  That is my plan for today - focus all that energy elsewhere > lift heavy weights!! because it's like really really bad today.

To give a better description, I am so horny that if I held a girls hand right now I would probably ejaculate lol.. it's that bad. I mean, It is probably a good thing =) ..  I wish I could give all of that energy to a girl.. but yea, one step a time - i'll get there.  But fuuck this pmo-free stuff is really working for me in regards to having the machine work better (not that i ever had that issue).
I am not having a depressive day today thats for sure.. probably because 90% of my blood and oxygen has relocated to the lower compartment lol.

ok ill stop. I have to do push-ups right now.. holy shit the pressure is crazy. see u all

counter : may 28 / day 37
come on 40! I got you!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 27, 2019, 06:56:51 AM »
Slept for +15h and had vivid sexual dreams. Wood felt like it being hard for +2h while in bed lol.
At the time I woke up, my member was still up like someone had attached a bone to my body.....
 I feel sorry for the next girl I will be having sex with... My member will be up non stop haha.

Haven't had these kind of vivid dreams until now.. very interesting, like being 13 again.

BUT.. One thing I am suffering massivly from.. and I can't really say if its due to this journey or my ADD.
It's the brainfog and being confused about everything. I feel like it started around 10-14 days ago. Totally confused all the time,
thoughts everywhere, cant take action properly, cant make proper decisions etc. It's all a mess as things are now. Not knowing what
I want to do in my life etc. That part really troubles me.

Taking one day a time, so far im doing good with this pmo free life.

Just need to fix my real life, like..  job/business wise (my biggest worry), social life (seeing people), hobbies (no hobbies atm), women (get some punani as I haven't gotten any for like 2-3 years , because I burried myself in a startup business.).

I use to get a lot of women, either with dating sites or meeting them whilst traveling.. the last couple of years have been worries of how to make money, and it's been killing me, lost so much to the point I dont know what to do know. Get a job?.. that was what I was trying to avoid.. but, if things just aren't working... then what?!.. man.  My head is everywhere about this matter. I need to fix this. Get something going.

PS: If anyone have had these brain-fog days/weeks, I would really appreciate a reply how it affected them. For me it's like im going in circles mentally, but cant do anything physically.
One second I want to go to the gym, then I end up doing something else and stay home. Mind is everywhere and it makes me really sad and I feel so low about it. Some days I even catch myself
saying im a loser etc. makes me feel low about myself.

counter : may 27 / day 36

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 26, 2019, 07:33:47 AM »
nothing new, just a small update to keep myself accountable.

I am grateful that I acknowledge this as a slow and steady process (and in no way an easy one)... it will eventually be worthwhile.
I am grateful that I take it one day a time.
I am grateful that I am observant of my thoughts, feelings and actions as soon as triggers pop up.

Come to terms with that there are triggers everywhere.. they are totally unavoidable.. it's just how the world is mixed together now a days. More and more sexual commercials, women getting more and more screwed up looking for attention on media etc. I mean you can barely watch a youtube talent show without getting ** stuck into you'r face after 10 minuttes of watching.
This is just how it is... I cannot control that.

What I can do, is to my best ability to ;
1. acknowledge I am seeing something that excites me.
2. see it for what it is (something that is on a screen and not real)
3. appreciate it and let it go. simply step away or manage the lust by focusing else where.

Simply learning to control my self when triggers arise. If I'd want 0 triggers I would be have to live under a rock.. that is not going to happen. Better to learn how to self-control thoughts feelings and actions of one self. If any lust grows by continued watching, then my rule is to click away.. there is no benefit of hurting one self like that, proceed to watch something that teases you and could eventually fall into the trap.

This is what I am trying to regulate within myself, observe trigger, appreciate it's beauty, acknowledge it is not real, seeing it has no benefit for me right now, let it go.

was only suppose to journal this post by with an update of my counter.. I always end up writing more stuff. oh well.. If just one line could help just one person out there, then i will keep writing.
This is no easy journey.. should I make it, it would be great for everyone to see my complete diary with all my thought and tactics.

come to think of it, what is it to Make it?.. To achieve success with this.  The odds of falling back and relapsing are high..  I think I have to define what success is for me, otherwise it will be tough in hard time. I think for me it is to never let my guards down, and continually manage my thoughts and emotions on a day-by-day basis. I think addicts (of any sort) needs to fight daily and be vigilant towards any form of triggers and have a plan that replaces the usual addictive actions that follows. For me now,  I am coping by acknowledging as soon as I see a beautiful woman, and step away from it (the process I mentioned above). I have proved to myself that i've been diciplined and strong enough to follow this for 30some days. But what will happen on the days I am really high/low?.. What if my guards come down?.. not sure for now. I just down want to mess this streak up, so a lot of random thoughts come out here.

I know i'll be writing about pain at some point. will keep that for another post.. but think P was my escape to avoid the painful times of loneliness.. using it to relief my worries about my future.. thoughts of 'am I good enough to have a girlfriend that loves me'... feelings of low self-worth drowned by pixels,, that lead to even lower self destructive thoughts, doubt and lower self worth.
What a Vicious cycle....  What a sad way to treat one self.. Painful to think back how much stuff have hurt me.... but now, finally, I am breaking free from it. need to get over this period of flatline, so I can get back on track and build up confindence to live life again. For now, everything feels like being in a rut.. Its part of the journey I know.

ok i'll stop now.. see you all in 5 days for that magical 40 number.  I got this!

counter : may 26 / day 35

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 25, 2019, 07:38:26 AM »
Proud of myself for not falling into the traps yesterday. It was a hard time, but I fought through...
fought through the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, loneliness, despair and a total confusing time in my life.

and for that, this post must include a I Have the Powerrr heman moment. I overcame strong urges. Important step for me.

I am thankful and I feel blessed being able to withstand.. despite going through hard times.
... for I know... after rain, comes sun. I believe in myself. I got this

going for day 40 now! lets do this!!!

counter : may 25 / day 34

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: May 25, 2019, 07:21:24 AM »
Good you are being honest, there is no shame in what you did, it was just a stepping stone. This is part of the journey, so don't be too hard on yourself. Find out what it was that triggered it from the beginning, what did you do / feel / what did you do next etc. Think deeply about it, (without judging!) then for next time do something else instead. 
Be strong and start again from today. Start small.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: May 24, 2019, 05:19:27 PM »
Great job with day 4!! We all start from some where, and you are off with a good start being here and journaling. Pete mentioned contingency plan which I find is a good thing to have thought about.
Something like “I will do x when I get aroused”... just the action of sitting and thinking about it will plant seeds and increase your odds of doing it.

Let me give you an example.. after 32 days pmo free or so, today was the most challenging day for me. However I ended my journal of by writing ‘ill meditate now and shower’. Immediately I shut my computer down and did exactly that. I know for a fact I have written this plan down some time ago.. a plan to do xyz if I get urges/stress etc. Even if I had urges, and my body wanted the relief,, it led me to a another path of relief.. meditation. It helped. Still a tough day but I overcame that peak moment where normally I would with 100% pmo.

Try to think some strategys in what you could do instead.. something that distracts you. Pushups, squats, meditation, gaming, running, jumping jacks, standing upside down hehe I dunno what you like.. think outside the box.. something where your entire body knows this set rule.

Fx; IF at ANY point, I feel my companion try to get aroused : I will drop everything in my hands and do [action] right away.     Say you had a rule to do 30 pushups, x 5 times no matter what..  and you absolutely had to do them all before doing any other activity. That would make you more fit after a month and distract yiu from all that nonsense pixel stuff. At least for an hour or so.. if you feel urges again, you know what to do (again) and with enough soreness in your chest and arms,, your friend will forfet everything about making you horny again for that day... because he knows what you will do if he dares to wake up again.  But the rule is You MUST do the actuon every time.. no cheating.. he will find out when you do or when you skip.. and that one time where you are caught not following the rule, the action could go somewhere else (tension/relief of tension =pmo).

Im just thinking out loud here and writing what worked for me today. I meditated because I felt urges ans stress. I will implement it as a rule and see how it works. All the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 24, 2019, 05:00:38 PM »
Day 14 Great achievement! Keep it up. I believe in you.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 24, 2019, 09:36:07 AM »
Quick update.
Today, right now,, feeling it massively and being challenged as hell. The urges,, everything in my body is trying to get the to the point to Touch myself so I can stress off. . The only way I use to do it was with pmo. But I am a lot wiser and smarter now,, still.. signals of my body and what remembers lies deep and body is really strong. Its a fight of mind vs body right now.. and I feel I am in the middle of the fight.. being tossed back and forth between feelings and rational thinking.

I have not have this kind of urges to this degree to this date. Its hard not takng the easy way out (pmo). Releasing and giving in is so easy and so luring. But I have decided I am sticking to it, so I am.. My mind is just troubled with a lot of stress lately, and my body is trying to tell me to relax.
But releasing (that is what I name it,, giving into pmo and ejaculating).. wont solve any of my issues.. I know I would put shame on myself after and that would worsen my situation.

I am sticking in there, pmo is no option. Despite this being my absolute hardest day, i wont give in. I got this..   I will take a shower now and do something to get out the apartment.. take a walk some where. I hope this fight will stop today, its crazy.. dont want to be a part of this.

“Stick it out... u got this” is my note to self, while sitting here crying why things has to be like this. I dont get it.. didnt think i would get to this point and feel like this. I acknowledge that the struggle is a part if it.

“Go through the pain”.. ok, gotten a bit off my chest now, im glad. Distracted me for a bit there..
plan for now : meditate, shower, getout.

counter : may 24 / day 33

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 09:34:05 AM »
My problem for the moment is, these women writing me.. and as in they being hot as hell.
(my looks are good and I've never had issues getting women.. especially not via online)

so, I get responses for the ones I like for the most,, and they are rather receptive.
now here is the thing.. if they respond with something that can get my imagination going... just a little thing as ;

"Hello,Let's get  acquainted!, maybe we are a match, who knows?"
or getting a whatsapp number to practice language with her.

ouff man.. my member goes bananas.. I have a really hard time not being horny. It has nothing to do with watching P.
well, it's like I have even more hornyness than for a month ago. So my challenge is trying to calm down my feelings.
and try not to think so much in sexuality when I speak with these women..  I will give it my best. Dont want to fall into the trap of a quick release just because of future imaginations which has incredibly low odds of happening (meeting them and having sex with them).. I mean, it could happen but would require too much effort as things being.. travelling abourd etc.

focus = practice language. thats it!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 09:26:53 AM »

Had the funniest experience when I woke up. My member was rock solid, and it had it's own agenda. = "Get as horny as possible so he does something about it"

But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

Basically talking him down and not being so reactive haha.. I have never done that,, like', spoken to him lol..  I rememeber laughing about it when I was up. crazy stuff right there :)

It's just to show I am becoming more aware. I like that!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 06:38:19 AM »
Thanks Pete)

I have decided to begin the language i've always wanted to learn. So recently started a audio coarse and listening to it on my way to gym every day.. aprox 1h per day. I am totally getting it and getting better at it. I have also found a site where you can look up people to practice with. Problem is, I naturally seek out the ones that are beautiful.. not sure if its a problem, but just feel I get horny by seeing their images. hmm.. I will restrain myself and keep it no zero flirting and strictly language learning. I have decided to learn the language, so here goes! ... I feel i am becoming more and more diciplined which I am super grateful for.. like really really grateful. Not sure if its the restraining of pmo which gives me more testostoron or something. I mean,, I have crazy amounts of testostoron already... I wish I could give some of it to guys here with PIED because my hornyness is over the top haha..

The thing is, I am VERY aware the instant I get horny and diciplined to acknowledge it, and kind of .. 'talk to it'.. talk to my hornyness to talk it down so it wont escalate to doing anything that is not good for me. It usually started out with touching/stroking myself just a little bit.. which led to full pmo. I am not going there.. why? because I am really starting to feel the good effects this stuff gives me, most of all.. the dicipline to stick in there with something.

The pressure down there is for real, everything in my body is screaming "releaase the pressure"..  its like small gremlins screaming 'do it.. just do it' and trying to lure my body to get more and more horny so I can realease the pressure.. fuck, they are doin it good - but im not giving in. I know this is a part of the journey.. i know it's their job to make me wanting to relapse.

counter : may 22 / day 31

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 21, 2019, 09:35:00 AM »
Dont know if this is a weird thing or not.. but was googling for a person for some work related. Then a image of a person having intercoarse was shown in one of the other thumbnails.. my eyes glazed over it, and then... I felt really.., like really sad.. just thought out "why..."

Naturally I didnt even want to view the picture, didnt press the thumbnail or anything.
Just observed how it killed me inside.. the feeling of sorrow and sadness... maybe it was a subconscious expression of all my life wasted on this bullshit in the past. Get sad just by writing it now.. I guess I am in a phase of hurting and getting over deep feelings from the past. It can only mean I am in the right path by having these emotions. Seems like I really want to meet with real life people, and not waste a single second watching pixels.

I have a past hobby of taking photos, so was viewing images on a forum site afterwards. I do see many beautiful women (not nude), and I am very aware as soon as the slightest arousal comes then I click away. I am mostly viewing as I am in awe of how the photographers take amazing pictures, and I feel like I want to go back to this hobby. It is not just for women-chasing, I would actually prefer to take images of children and men as I dont get performance anxiety etc. I have that issue if i'd have to photograph women,, I know its a false belief because I am actually really good at it. Social anxiety has held me back in many aspects in my life.. really sad.

anyways, I am thankful for sticking out a full month! Yaahh!.. I have not watched anything whatsoever, no pmo of any kinds - huge improvement.
I dont know if I am flatlining or what it's called.. I do feel lethargic and down these last weeks.. feeling down and just questioning everything. Just general dissatisfaction with life and not being fulfilled. But this has been an ongoing feeling through many years to be honest.. I think its my ADD that is causing most of these feelings. 

anyhow, I do feel getting rid of pmo is a great choice i've made and i am going through with it. I dont expect wonders of any sort.. just chosen to eliminate what I feel is not good for me.
Here is to one more month!.. :)

counter : may 21 / day 30

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 20, 2019, 04:38:16 PM »
Super stressed right now due to my work not going as I want it to.. struggling the most to make money. stressed financially and that is keeping me inside. That is not helping me on the social side, nor mentally being inside all day. I dont want to go back to an ordinary job, but maybe I have to.. I dont know. super stressed out, lost $ today and head is hurting...

I know my state is incredibly low after making the mistakes today. stressed and tired, + some lonelyness and nagging at people.. and isolating myself. yea.. that is no good at all. These are the times I usually watch something innocent and get lured into the rabbit hole and end up PMOing. but NO.. Not this time.. P is not an option. I will face my pain and sit through it.. I am not giving in.

Hard to motivate myself after failing over and over again with what I really want to do. Maybe Im just not fit to do this kind of work. man.. years wasted if I have to give it up.

counter : may 20 / day 29

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 18, 2019, 04:01:06 PM »
I've been doing KETO diet for a week or so today and felt groggy and low energy.. I think that was why I ranted yesterday as well, oh well..
Today we held birthday for a friend, There were lots of sugary stuff... but all I chose to eat was a very small slice of cake.

That is pretty good for a whole week of no sugar. I use to eat sugary stuff without being mindful about it.. but I have completely changed that.

Just like I somehow adopted the 'Trigger' thought for seeing women on the laptop, I have adopted the same for sugar and quickly observe myself and see the wanting.
Then I act in my best interest .. "I decided not to, so i'm not doing it".

I am proud that I am getting more and more disciplined. Something I always wanted..
hopefully I can hold this streak, I really feel I am becoming crazy observant of my thoughts and actions this time.

counter : may 18 / day 27


Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 17, 2019, 04:22:33 PM »
Hey, just wanted to comment on some things I read.

Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.
You are on day number 7 now!.. Try not to compare your day #7 with your 40-day streak or anything from the past. Those are bygones. You are here now my friend and #7 can turn into #10.. and before you know it the snowball is rolling.

I can tell we have some similarity in the loneliness part.. we really want to show ourselves and meet new people .. but have some fear of getting rejected, hurt by people. I am the same... but my conclusion is.. some people may have hurt us in the past, and that hurt can fill us up ,, so bad that we think that people in the future might hurt us just as bad. The thing is, all people are different, all situations are different.. this very moment you are reading these words.. you have never ever experienced before, a totally new moment and you would never guess i'd write yellow elephant right now, right?.. =) .. see..  its the same with new people we might meet ahead of us. We have never ever met them before, and sure enough, we can get surprised on a positive note. Hell, that person or the next could be a person that would treasure you for all that you are.

For the part with your mother. I dont know the full story, but what I do know is you are burying some feelings and rejecting your mother .. for something that maybe she fully isnt aware of. maybe she cant help it. maybe her mother or father brought her up in a way so he learned whatever behaviour you feel you are not getting. As you wrote me, compassion and love is the better way remember?.. Maybe, just maybe.. there could be a way you could forgive your mother... maybe just maybe, you could do something totally opposite of what she would expect,, maybe bring her flowers.. why? just because.. why not.. she held you in her arms and gave you life when you were a baby... she cared for you. Yea maybe some things got screwed up along the way, but she is still your mother.Maybe there was a way there to act with love and compassion. Maybe she needs the same as you do, ever thought of that?.. Who else than her son would be better to receive love from.

Sorry I did not mean to give unsolicited advice.. i often do that to people. I just wanted to invite you to think about the opposite side as well.

I really like your technique of speaking to your inner child. I have done this as well, and strange enough, that somehow works.. like, its like speaking to the subconscious and it responds.. When I do this process, usually my inner child answers with things it's afraid of.. I mentor him and tell him stuff like "can you see nothing happened, and you are ok." "did you ever think about the problem wasnt you, but it they were shy etc". stuff like that. I works wonders, well at least for me.. I need to do it more - thnx for reminding me ))

I like you have plans to keep yourself active.. maybe have a look at and find something with a low-bar. Like, attend a 1h meditation group. There is little commitment to that. and maybe you'll find someone that is into saxophones.

btw, regarding IG.. man, that shit can really trigger you. I dont know with you but images of women everywhere there. I deleted mine. Hated seeing people with "perfect" lifes and women flashing how "perfect" they are.. I felt I was missing out and made me feel more lonely and sad. If you can manage it, that is good. I couldnt so it had to go.

.... #7.. next up #10... as I have full confidence in you being able to control your emotions this weekend. I think you will be aware of you'r triggers more ,,  send it love and acknowledge that feeling are here now, but will soon go away. Invite them. Let them try to convince you to go back to old ways, but this time,, talk to the urges.. tell them with love, that they are welcome to stay here for a while, but you are releasing them. thank them for being there, they are not there to harm you.. show them compassion.

not sure if it makes sense)).. it might work,, who knows =)
have a great weekend

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 17, 2019, 03:52:28 PM »
Thanks Pete, will read that book once finished with this one. I have seen other mention it, so definitely worth a try to cement in how toxic this stuff is.

mobilfreak I totally get you, I have a black/white mentality and usually I dont place a greyzone .. its do or die. The thing is (as you mention) we are human and can fail.. and I do remember being hard on myself for not 'making it' (whatever it might be)... so me getting back up has always been difficult. You'r comment made me think it over.

I think I will change my perspective abit (and not be that black/white) to;  lets just take one step, one day a time... Appreciate every single minute and day I can abstain from this toxic content.
Have a hard time writing 'if i relapse then i'll forgive myself etc'.... I mean, I totally get what you are writing.. its just hard for me to have that safe-way plan.
Kind of confused right now hehe, because I know you are trying to help, so I wont be too hard on myself if i should relapse.. but the thought of relapsing disgusts me right now. I get sad thinking about it.. So it's like I rather want to burn my bridges and only stay strong and forge forward.

The thing is, I know life can happen.. stress, loneliness, people letting you down, feelings of not being good enough or doubting one self etc. All of these, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and maybe into relapse. I am aware of this process. I think i'm kind of denying that these things can happen emotionally right now.

I think the best thing would to have a plan if xyz would happen. fx.
IF I get aroused by watching a pretty face, and I find myself chase ; then I will do this.

like, being proactive rather than being reactive in that moment.

for now, my plan is this : if I get the feeling of arousal then shut it down!..
well, I hope this plan can last.. but man, I am a person with a lot of sexual needs which i am just putting on the side.. eventually it has to come out. I just hope I can find a girl to date/have sex with before my sexual tension builds up too much.

So far I haven't made any attempt of going after women. The last 1-2 years have been strictly focus on my business.. this has taken a toll on me, as financials are hard on me now.. and my living situation isn't optimal to bring women here. So I have just plugged away working nonstop daily. Not healthy I know...  but, this is how things are now.

I have an idea that says ; WHEN my business is thriving, THEN I can get my own place and first THEN I can allow myself to go after women.. it's like I dont feel worthy as things are right now.. its really a shame as I am sabotaging myself big time and not living in the now.

The good thing is I started to go to the gym again and build up muscle, that gave me confidence some years ago. That might help on the situation. But still have thoughts on my living situation and my business which is holding me back from .. well,, Life...  And without any real life, seeing people etc. then its a double whammy on the lonelyness which leads to .. me trying to comfort myself.. just a little.. which could turn into a loss of dicipline and rationalize a small pmo. You know the drill.  So this is my life right now. 

sry to rant) but the more i write here, the more I realise i need to change parts in my life. Maybe P is never the root-cause of all this.. maybe it's just me wanting to be acknowledged by someone.. someone that is proud of me.. someone that looks at me with dreamy eyes when I wake up,  and just love me for who I am. I've had it before... but that girl let me down big time and hurt me.
Since that day (3 years ago) I promised myself that I would focus on business and isolate myself. I've been doing that .. but getting little to no where. 

Not sure what to do as things are now... I think i'll just keep going with my work, and stay on the PMO free path. But I dont think it will fix my issues of social anxiety or loneliness.
I am really good with meeting women when I travel.. but back here, nothing. Just total isolation.  I haven't travelled for 1.5 years now, and its frustrating... but as financial things are now, I cant allow myself to travel.  so many things mixed up..

I think i'm being in a low state right now. am normally a very positive and strong person...
I can feel im just ranting here with thoughts all over the place, will stop now. thnx for commenting. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 17, 2019, 12:22:54 PM »
Doin well.. just an update to get myself accountable here.
I notice that when i browse youtube or anything, and if a beautiful woman pops into the suggested videos (I have a high trigger for beautiful faces) i am diciplined enough to quickly remove it.. Either I remove the suggested video in youtube, or instantly observe that I feel lust.. and my brains instantly says *TRIGGER* ... then I know to remove myself from the situation. Im really thankful I am mindful about that my feelings and how I can see when my body feels the urge to click onto that beautiful face.. nop, not doing it!..  I have to be honest that reading other posts in RN kind of scares me.. seeing other guys reboot every week or so... I just think to myself,, maan.. I dont want to do that to myself. I guess that drives me as well. Guess Im just fed up of not having dicipline in my life, and I am making up for it now. 

I trust myself and believe in myself that i can stick to the process. I have set my goal. its already done. nothing can stop me.

Will keep on reading YBOP and become more knowledgeable on why our brains act this way.  I will come here more often and write, as I think it helps me in my journey. If i let go, I have a feeling the odds of slipping into a desire would be much higher. Definitely not going that path.. Better to come here and spill out my thoughts.

counter : may 17 / day 26 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 16, 2019, 04:18:53 AM »
nice one thnx!  :D

im reading the book YBOP and really liking it!.. read this which I find very interesting

"Quitting isn't a cure all for your life problems – but it's the foundation, a ploughed field
in which you can sow seeds for a new future that isn't bedevilled by the secrecy and shame that comes with falling into the seemingly inescapable pit of porn-related despair that so many of us know. A life of hope and strength – not jizzy tissues, jealousy, bitterness, self-hatred, resentment and unfulfilled dreams.”

... a foundation where you aren't ashamed of yourself for doing what you know is wrong. I like that idea. I always liked the notion of respecting one self and doing what acts in ones best self interest.
i know for sure I feel like shit when PMOed, not going back to those low life actions again. yea I might be harsh here, but it's just me realising how low i've been throughout my years of pixel consumption, numbing myself ... not thinking.   I would love to say "i was thinking it would cure me, that is why i was doing it".. but no. I was not thinking at all ... just reacting of my lust, wanting and urges of my whatever the hell my body told me .. no self control whatsoever.   

Oh well, no need to go back in time and punish myself .. that was then. I am here now. I am going to the gym, eating crazy healthy (started keto) and meditating daily and I'm fucking lovinn it!..
hey year 2020.. your pmo-free ass is mine! I promise myself to become better, improve and go after real girls and enjoy myself. have fun. laugh. smile. become proud of my life.  I got this!

counter : day 25

Ages 30-39 / Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM »
Late 30s single and been dealing with P for a hell of a long time.. and its been robbing me for my self-worth.

as I started getting a computer since 13yo, my first search phrase was 'sex' in IRC forums and would happily wait +30min on a 14.4kb/s dialup modem, waiting for a picture of a women to show.
well, its easy to say things on the internet has changed since. P was somehow always around the corner, it got easier and easier to get a hold of. Going from magazines to torrents, high speed and yea.. you know the drill. I always had to have the release.. the quick fix. Little did I know that most of my anxieties and self doubt started because of this self medication. It was a way of comforting myself and showing myself love (i must have felt that) where I didn't feel I got it from the right places (my parents for example). So I just had to numb myself with these images to feel good.

As I got older I got into dating sites. I would say most of my sexual encounters are from the internet. I had a way with words online at that time, and ive probably been with +50women or so. Not that it is a thing to be proud of.. but I do have experience with women. Well, that was the days. Things are different today, but that is a story for another time.

I never had any PIED, my issues are with loneliness, feelings of not being good enough, worthy of love etc. and hence resolving to p to ease my mind. Which cascades into social anxiety and becoming somewhat a passive person, hesitating on a lot of things in life due to accumulated low self worth. I combated that with becoming great at things, mostly masculine things such as martial arts.

I am starting this journal so I can keep track of my progress. I started 29/4 so I am totally PMO free 24 days by now. I am not setting any goals for now.

Reading others journals kind of scares me, how the relapse can get a hold of people and creep back in. I have tried pmo free for months, but then life happened and I got stressed and fell back into it.. so I know how dangerous the cycle is. 

But from now on I have decided to be better myself. I have decided to respect myself. Why would I serve myself with thrash? Do I see myself as thrash? No! .. I am a worthy person that is worthy of love, compassion and someone that loves me for who I am. Even if it's hard to believe, I know it's the truth. But in order for the truth to come to fruition, I have to act correspondently. I have to walk the walk!

What does that mean for me?

1. I am hereby deciding not to view anything that triggers me, and lure me into the rabbit hole of endless 'just a little peek'
2. I am hereby deciding, that when a trigger comes (it will come) I will observe the feeling of desire, the feeling of an undisciplined mind, and I will chose to meditate instead.
3. I am hereby deciding to update here on a weekly basis at least until 01/2020. even if its just a counter update. I need to hold myself accountable.

I started my journey 24 days ago (29 april 2019), and im to this day fully PMO free. I look forward to continue this disciplined act with 1 small step every single day.
Know there will be times where triggers come, and I vizualise myself being steadfast, and removing myself from the situation instantly. I am not a religous person but am really praying to god that I can have the strenght to overcome the urges when the expected triggers come. So far I have been doing amazing and I am proud of myself... so now its just a matter of trucking ahead ever so slowly. There is no rush.. just 1% better every single day.

and to address my subject title. 'go through the pain'. I believe this is a must for all of us. Feeling the pain of withdrawal, the pain of wanting, the pain of cravings.. really feel it, and sit through it. I know easier said than done. But my belief is we will become stronger the day after, if we can just sit through the pain in that moment and not succumb to the desires. I look forward to see if I can do it. I have really had zero cravings so far.. I think reading blogs of others have affected me so much that is has sincerely scared the shit out of me. I have cried reading other peoples blogs, how this thing have destroyed their lifes... and then I got flashbacks of places I had to have the 'fix' and feel ashamed of how I could let it go on my entire life. Well, I do forgive myself and now i am only looking ahead.. but maan, I dont want to read myself in 5 years here again about me relapsing over and over again and my life is going to the drains. No fucking way!..  no fucking way.. I am not here to TRY.. I am here to fucking eradicate this bs fake pixel crap out of my life once and for all.

Last time I had a long streak (+5 months I believe it was), I messed it up by rationalising one day, that it was okey to view girls twerking on yt.. then it went on from there and fell back into it.
Not making that mistake again. Also I remember starting edging, playing with myself with a bathmate etc. also a wrong choice. I learned and im wiser now. No temptations what so ever. I am here to go through the pain this time. if any triggers come ; I shut it down!..... I got this for good this time!!

final note. why did I attach the image of BL?
Look at his eyes.. what are they saying? "dont fucking mess with me"..
Look at his character.. "im not the one to be messed around with".
Look at his tightened jaw "I might look calm, but expect fire upon you"

... he is certain in himself. He glows a calm demeanour, yet power within. He has confidence that he can kill anything on his path that tests him. He is not bullshitting, his eyes says it all. "I will take you down with every inch of fiber in my body". ..... This is how I feel now.. that feeling, where I am certain I can give this up for good. Please god give me the strength.

Thank you for reading.

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 13, 2019, 11:15:38 PM »
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: March 13, 2015, 07:32:19 PM »
everything is going okej. having some difficulties with something recently.  gotten a bathmate like 1.5 month ago and been using it. getting good results with it... but then I began to see some pictures initially while using it, and later on some vidoes of girls twerking on YT. hmm..  I guess I was rationalising it was ok, since i only used it to stay hard and use the pump.  today i fell into the trap of watching some lesbo crap and had my first PMO after like 88 days,, damn..  but not taking too much hard time on myselfe though. ... but not sure if i should reset counter,, guess it was a slip and felt a bit ashamed.. but nothing like before starting this journey. before rebootnation i felt like the lowest you could get.

but anyhow.. time to correct the spaceship.
again, I led myself in a destructive path with the ever slowly watching "innocent" images, that led to this. I should have seen it coming. hmm,,  steps to correct this?..   not use any ipad whilst using the bathmate device. just gotta use imagination like i did the first month. 

regarding to girls and dating etc, there havent been any action. well, ive gotten numbers, but they flake.. so just focusing on myselfe recently. workout, chilling, my kid, working on the app-biz etc.
Not taking life too seriosly actually,, and i need that. I've been working jobs since i was like 13-14..
So I feel I deserve a break and take a chill.

Decided going to poland with my buddy in april to game some girls and learn some more. the weather is also getting better, so hopefully that will get the girls mood better as well.

btw also started motorcycle driving lessons. I felt like I wanted to try something new.. =)

other than that, just trying to find myself and work on myself 1 day a time.

take care everyone =)

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: March 13, 2015, 07:15:23 PM »
hey bro, hope u are doing good. just checking up on you

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 yrs old, been dealing with porn for 20+ yrs
« on: February 22, 2015, 01:28:52 AM »
bro, its crazy... I was in the gym yesterday,, and after working out a bit I was looking at a set of 36kg loose weights for some bench press.
I didnt think i could take them, but I asked a guy "hey can u help me,, I think i can just take 2 sets"... I wanted to achieve the two sets,, then at least I have tried.. and next time i might be able to take 3.

So I took the weight, and guess what.. I took 8 sets all alone,, he helped me with the last one only =)
what happened was I underestimated my self. There was no reason for that.  The result was I took weights that made me sore much more,, which will make me grow!..

its a cool analogy you bring up, with life and workout. Its true man..  push past it anyway and youll get stronger.
but the key is Push and Action.. "Knowing is not enough, You must Apply".. 

Feeling overwhelmed can get to you, it can quickly take over and put you all bummed out in the couch, wanting to do nothing..
letting you sit and watch crap (either the net or tv) and not going after what you want. This is the hard part,, and this is the part where we need to push.. push to change our habits.

Yea man I have my son.. actually we just woke up and he is sitting beside me eating some breakfast. taking him out to a shopping mall where they have this inside skiing later :)
I will update my post soon =)

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