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Messages - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 20, 2019, 11:19:21 AM »
Alright, I hit day 60...  meh,, not feeling anything. Guess I'm just having an off-day, low energy, no motivation, no desire for anything etc....  still working on my CV.. but not even sure if I want a job or not,, well..  so confused about anything.. but my conclusion is I have nothing to lose - just go to job-interviews and I'll get a better feeling from there. I am not obliged to take the job, there are no one pressuring me - I am to decide. And that takes some pressure and uncertainty of my shoulders. 

For the pmo journey, I can definetly feel a lot of hornyness.. it's usually like this at summertime. I'd really like to spend some time with a female.
I think trying tinder again would be ok I guess..  and some dating sites. dunno.. ... dont know what I want, this is my overall issue. I guess adhd does that, sigh.

have been peeking some YT videos,.. just to get horny ,then just to shut it down...  I think I want to "reward" myself some way,, like my mind is saying "hey it is good to be horny.. just watch some, then shut it down"... happened a couple of times - and this is exactly what I want to eradicate from my life.. the fake, the isolated, the lonely, the disappointing, the tricks ... all which are not real. just an artificial stimulation, that works me up and I shut it down, just to realise I spent my time on nothing. That which I was idolising was not there beside me. No one beside me to love me.. No one to adore me. ... I miss that. Been so focused on "fixing" my life, and focused on everything thas was wrong in my life, so I made got more of the negatives. Time to do some changes, I owe that to myself, to my son and family.. they want to see me happy as well.. not coocked up in a room all alone trying to 'make it' whilst being all isolated.

What am I doing to overcome these issues?.. well.. a job is a start to get social. that would get me into some routine again. I'll see what I can do about that..

for pmo.. not feeling anything.. just careless... I guess that is a part of it, being apathetic and not feeling it's going anywhere at times. I acknowledge that is part of the game.. trucking on...   I want to stop peeking completely, I think the couple of times I did it was not healthy,, it was not P,, but still.. it's the same act of searching, looking for something.. that dopamine-grip that takes over until you realise and wake up. 

I cannot put blame on any technologys like 'it's because youtube, or instagram etc'.. no, it is me. It is that sudden impulse in my body that just says "have a look at some *part of a womans body*" and makes my fingers type that shit in youtube or smth... its that automatic impulse that takes over. It is THAT which I need to observe, acknowledge and explain it with kind words "no my friend.. this is fake. let's not go there.. it has never, ever, given you what you wanted".

So, for the next 10 days I will try this tactic and see if I get better at managing my impulsive behaviour and control myself. 
besides that everything with pmo-free is going really good. something weird happened the other day,, I was taking a piss and out came some of my man-juice as I was pissing - ehh,, that was weird.. I pressed it out down the toilet.. My body must have been in excess haha.. normally I use to O and since I havent done that in 60 days, my body reacted like that.   

Still going hardmode and not touching etc. decided I will save it up for the next girl I am with. I am probably going to explode in my pants as I undress her.. its ok, I wont even explain or get embarrased.. I know there is so much in excess that I would be able to hit it off multiple times when I get a girl in my hands..  Need to stop talking about it though,, wont happen anything sitting here. So yea',, will take up some tinder and dating stuff again. They dont get me aroused in that aspect of wanting to peek/edge etc.. these sites really do bore me.. and my main focus is to get her out.. So I find can reason to install such apps.

So the next 10 days goal :

- Get my damn CV done completely   (next is to send to jobs)
- Snap some photos and get my tinder and some dating apps up again

Attending my sons birthday this weekend, so will probably be busy with that tough. anyways, have a great summer everyone.
Next stop day  70

Pmo-free .   April 20 .   Day 60

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 16, 2019, 02:39:06 PM »
All well, put on some gangster rap and cleaned up entire place and fixing up CV. Productive day

Pmo-free .   April 16 .   Day 56
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 16 .   Day 13
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 16 .   Day 13
30x Morning pushups .   April 16 .   Day 13

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 15, 2019, 05:36:20 AM »
Got through yesterday and fought the urges. My mind was trying to trick me..  seeking dopamine spikes so I could 'release'.
Have some hard time staying consistent with the gym and other things.. so I am going to cook counter down to to basics again and start from there. Will take up gym up again when I have my other things sorted out. For now, just coasting along more vigilant towards urges and peeking. When I feel it happen, I will replace it with meditation instead.

Pmo-free .   April 15 .   Day 55
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 15 .   Day 12
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 15 .   Day 12
30x Morning pushups .   April 15 .   Day 12

I am getting close to day 60!.. makes me proud I've comes this far.. and I withstood the strongest test up to now (day 54) I learned a lot from that day.
Going strong - onwards and upwards

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 14, 2019, 07:28:00 AM »
Man.. filled with shame now and riddled with questions. I know I did not relapse, but just the thought that something took over me, 'I got tricked' feeling.. annoys me, I just have so many questions.. why?..

Why could I see myself pressing, the very thing I was not suppose to do.. to stimulate myself 'a bit'..
Why did I click onto the next video, and the next?.. to stimulate myself with this 'just a tiny bit more'

I think the term is 'edging'.. clicking a bit, then a bit more,, until it eventually would escalate into a full blown release.
thankfully I didn't go there but I still feel the shame of going astray (or what it's called - english isnt my primary language)

Why was I aware of my actions the whole time,, but didn't stop it earlier?.. in total wasted 15min of clicking on 'innocent' stuff.. and when I ended up on that P vid and viewed a full 1min vid,, then it hit me..  "get yourself together fool!". 

For now, I mostly, just have questions..  what led to this?..
- procrastination (i was suppose to do something completly else today,, but ended up surfing).
- alone-time (not having a structured life, job, I manage my own time.. and no social life).

These are the main reasons... me not staying busy with anything. I had actually decided to update my CV so I could apply for jobs next week .. somehow I procrastinated that I led myself into the arms of the devil. Kinda feel sad about that.
But not gonna stay and have a pity party for myself. Gonna get up, take a shower and get out the door..

will bring my laptop and go to a coffe place and write that damn CV ffs!! I expect of myself to post an update tonight with my CV being done. I cant go on not having a social life, being totally isolated and not going out etc.. this is no way to live.
Maybe it was a sign.. a sign so I could do exactly that - take action and get my ass up instead of procrastinating.
.. Get busy with life!     

btw - thing is I just remembered,, when I had a job. I would still fall into this (mostly when I was bored).. I would go to the toilet to get a release and go back "working"... so the issue with P is not having a job..  It can be boredom, stress, loneliness..

but I will still apply for jobs, to get the social aspect in my life. I need that for my life as things are now. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 14, 2019, 07:04:34 AM »
almost slipped today..  watching yt, led to some old behaivors watching abit of twerking,, and led into me watching an xrated vid for 1min.. holy shit, wth am I doing?!!... Instantly I knew that was a wrong path, and I shut it down before doing any harm.

quickly hurried up here to do some writing. Nothing done, no touching, no M or O - so this is not a slip, but a lesson, a warning..  I caught my behaviour in time before starting to touch or do anything to stop my progress. I learned from this lesson, be vigilant, do not even peek for a splitsecond, it will lure you down the rabbbit hole even if you don't want it. The power of the addiction is stronger than the rationalisation of 'I know I should not do this' .. all of that rationlising shuts down when our evolutionary body is seeking to reproduce. I am so thankful I was able to come to my senses.. I've never been this close to slip-up in my entire journey to this day. What a punch to the head this lesson was..

Today will be a tough day, as I can feel the crave for stimuli. Man fuck this Im not going down like this!!!

Not going to let this rule my life and relapse again and again over the years.. im done with this. Thank you for the warning, thank you for showing me I need to NOT PEEK, NOT SEEK anything at all!.. Thank you for showing me that it is easy to let guards down for just 1min.. thank you for giving me power to stop myself, realising the truth, that what I was watching was FAKE and would only harm me by continuing the process. Thank you for showing me I deserve more than this fake stimuli.. that I deserve true love and affection and to be loved for me - not a screen that does nothing for me.

What I did was an impulsive act which I initially had little control of.. I was observant of my acts but hard to resist it as my brain felt 'stimulated' - but I regained my senses and my self-control and came back to the truth. I feel like I need help from some higher powers at this point, so I will only use my laptop to seek information about god (I have been an atheist all my life, so this is a some shift to do this.. but feel like I need help from a higher source atm).

Thank you all for being beside me as we go through this addiction. I will add to my counter and mark this day with bold, to remind me of the marked day,, The day that almost took over but I did not let it.   For now, I need to take some time off and forgive myself for this behaviour, I need to ask for forgiveness and strength to continue my fight. I will ask for love to enter my life from real people.

I put my trust in the process and will truck along. I didn't come this long to give up. I deserve better. All the best -

Pmo-free .   April 14 .   Day 54
Get up at 09am .   April 14 .   Day 3
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 14 .   Day 11
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 14 .   Day 11
30x Morning pushups .   April 14 .   Day 11
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day 1

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 13, 2019, 07:32:36 AM »
... continued post (2h later)
Taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this
took my pills, prepped my gymbag and bicycle, got gym clothes on.. then.. I got disorientated,, procrastinated.. My mind did everything else than just getting my shoes on and getting out the door.. so I ended up wasting time on the internet. My friend called me and I told him I was my way to gym.. but I never went. I feel bad ,, no I feel dissapointed.. why cant I follow up and just do it?..  actually I do feel bad . and down.. I am really trying to tell myself "relax, it's your ADD,, relax you didnt sleep well" etc.. but fact is im just sitting at home now and not doing shit..  Will go meditate now and wait for my friend to pick me up... will help him change out tires on his car.. and i'll bring my laptop with him and ask him for help - getting help to sit beside me and do things i've been procrastinating.. seems like I dont have the willpower to do it by myself. I need help.

I finished the porn myth audio book. really got some great knowledge that will help my journey being pmo free. I am proud that i've come this far and I believe I can hit the 90-day pmo free for sure. But what I am dealing with now I think is my ADD (lack of motivation in everything) and therefore I bought 'Driven to distraction', a book about ADHD and how to get the best out of it.

I will try to get sleep early today and start fresh tomorrow. I feel sad right now for todays turnout, yet trying to stay compassionate and forgive myself. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 13, 2019, 05:36:35 AM »
Day 53!.. trucking along. Yesterday I woke up early and hit the gym and did some work after.

had a crazy wet dream last night..  dreamt I was watching a P movie and I could feel my body really wanting to get have an orgasm,, then in my dream things shifted and I was all the sudden being an observer of myself watching the P-movie … and I was shouting to him/me “NO dont do it.. shut it down.. dont watch it.. its fake..” it went on like this and I woke up from the dream. I felt some sort of shame, because I thought I had PMO’ed since I still had some sexual feelings + wood .. then I relialised, it was all a dream =).. piuh.. 

Had a bad sleep after that, was up to like 5-6am and due to rain and thunder and didn't get to wake up at 09. So its 12:30 here, feel unmotivated but I guess that is natural due to a lack of sleep. Despite that,  I am gonna follow the plan.  taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this

Pmo-free .   April 13 .   Day 53
Get up at 09am .   April 13 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 13 .   Day 10
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 13 .   Day 10
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 10
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day --
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day -
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day -

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 12, 2019, 03:50:30 AM »
Good morning day 52!..
check check check check chek and I am now out the door towards the gym.

Good day everyone!

Pmo-free .   April 12 .   Day 52
Get up at 09am .   April 12 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 12 .   Day 9
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 12 .   Day 9
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 9
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 12 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 12 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 12 .   Day 1

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 11, 2019, 04:15:54 PM »
Day 51.    edit : somehow I think this post will be one of my most important ones.
Thank you Pete and Jixu for the support! I am here because of good souls like you, people that cares.

Alright.. not really into any rah rah inspiration/motivational speakers.. but david goggins is excepted, he is the real deal.
And this is some real-deal Rocky shit so I had to share it :)  : 
Breaking down his words below to do some analysis on what he is trying to communicate.

A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.
You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourselfe.

You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life.
You need to live the grip of life to find inspiration

put challenges in front of yourself!

when you put challenges in front of yourselfe, and attack it.. that’s when you find inspiration.
Try to be 10% better than you were last week.
so if you run 30 miles a week.. run 33.
if you are swimming 500 meteres, swim 550.

and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch.

The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.

Find yourselfe in the grip of life.

You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.

Alright.. I had to share as it made me think about my situation. Staying at home, trying to think myself out of my situation. Not doing any planning, not taking any desicions, just roaming around here and there… tired of it. Not trying anything, just fearful about my future and if I am able to make my entreprenural journey.. constant thoughts of If I am good enought for it or not etc.
line 1 : “A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.” .. yup. a depressed mindnset aint getting me no where. I need to do some changes here. Going on.

line 2: “You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourself”.  It is true in some aspect, I definetly could do more.. I could take my business more seriously, I could take up gym, I could quit sugar,  I could take up buying a car in able to take my son out more.. I could find some part time job..  ( I still have an issue at trying to find a steady job even if I know I would rock it.. but the thought of robbing my time holds me back).. I could go out more, smile more, I could approach people daily and interact more,  I could hit on women more=),..   My depressed mindset have held me back from all of these things which made me happy. I believe that if I start doing more of these things, my monetary situation would become better.. why? because I wouldnt be so fearful or depressed.. I would have more courage, diciplined and hence make money with my business. All I mentioned are challenges to me. getting outside and doing stuff, and mostly talking to people as Ive conditioned myself to think i am a shy guy.. which has never been true every damn time I’ve approached women (when I was in my PUA mode a couple of years ago).  So > do more.. definetly some outlined stuff to improve upon.  Would be really cool to ever so slowly add to my counter here,, like “give a compliment today”… that would actually be really cool!..  that is such a low-barriere thing, and would eventually probably make me want to know more about her. anyways, back to topic : DO SOMETHING.  .. alright, peeking at the three things I wrote first,, that must mean something I really want to do ; 1.  I could take my business more seriously 2: I could take up gym. I could quit sugar.   These are some sort of repetative stuff which I can do on a daily basis. Becoming diciplined and following a daily process for my job.   and going to the gym.   Will add these to my action plan later.

line 3/4; “You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life. “ … Yep, feel really demotivated when just staying home. Roger that=). I’ve been doing that for too long time and it’s about damn time I make a change!! I might be in a slump, I might have financial worries, I might not have my own place - but FFS… slumps are not permanent,, just hard to see beyond. I am not dead, i dont wish to be.. I know my character and that I can overcome anything. I might have been let down by people but they do not dicate my life ahead of me. Time to grab the balls of the bull and make a ride of this life.  ehh, that came of weird.. but you know what I mean haha.

line 5:  “put challenges in front of yourself!”. Alright, I already identified some challenges that would move me in a better direction.. just 1% better daily.   
> STRUCTURE - not just for my business, but for my overall life.. when I’d wake up, when I’d go out the door, when I’d study business, when i do business, when I do workout, when it is ok to eat sugar, and when would be time to give a compliment.   A structure that outlines these things would give me some sort of accountability for myself.. and I think I would do it, and hopefully it would become a habit.
Imagine if I gave a complimennt to women on a daily basis.. I would become confident in myself and … holy shit,, I would actually become the guy I want to be.  ouf, that sentance hit my heart..  Becomind the guy I want to be. Why did it so?…  what is holding me back?..   fear?..  fear of what?…    digressing here - but hitting some important topics and really glad I am sharing it here as I write. So ,, challenges put into some sort of routine, which I can track on a daily basis (just as what im doing with that experimental counter).   Good, doing some introspective digging here and I like where it’s going.   moving on…

line  10/11 :  “and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch. “
                     “The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.”
Hmm… so what I get from this is,, just do the minimum amount possible!.. if that means showing up to the gym and untying your shoes and putting them back on.. then do that and take it as a victory (I showed up).   If that means doing 45min of effective business work and stoppingn for the day, then that is successs. If that means going outside to ask a girl for the fucking time, then do that and take it as a victory.
I think what he is trying to say is ; do a little bit of what challenges you,,, just that little bit - but on a daily basis… and by time and repetition you would be comfortable doing that thing that it would natturally progress to take it to a higher level.. like fuck, after asking women for the time 30 times eventually you would stop giving a fuck about the time and tell her you like her smile,, right =). I know I would.
Now that other line is interessesting… I’ve mainly been home trying to make my business work and have totally neglected myself, joy, my family, my damn soul…  cant even remember when I’ve smiled with true happyness last time… come to think of it. I do… when I fell in love 3 years ago with my x. Which turned out to be a toxic relationship - but none the less. I was happy.. I was wanted,, we were both in love.. I felt loved. That made me happy.  I believe there is another out there for me which can give me that again. I miss that. oh, back to topic… have I become weak?…    I can already feel the answer inside of me wanting to get out.. YES!.. mentally weak. Not believing in myself. doubting. scared. as i am writing this I feel my innner child is talking to me, ok this might sound weird but I am typing what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.  Feel like he is confused and dont know what to do, where to go..   he lacks structure.. he needs to know what to do.. and know that, whatever he will do is OK. He wants to have fun again and know that everything is going to be ok. I am going to make him a promise…  …. me and you, we are going to have fun again. I promise you that. Trust me.
.. ok im back. sorry for the sudden shifts, told you.. ADHD kinda does that to you at times. but yea.. lack of accountability/structure can lead into slots and into weakness. that what’s happened to me. Time to turn the damn boat around and put some GPS on it with laser-sharp direction.

line 12/13: : “Find yourselfe in the grip of life.  You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.”
ok. grip of life .. what is that for me? .. challenge myself. fail. have fun. mess it up. smile at it. laught it off. just do the damn thing. show up. do 1% every day. be kind. be compassionat to other people. laugh. have fun. express yourself. show yourself. give love. take action. be decisive. be clear. make plans. stick to the plans. control my mind.
… ok what does all of that exactly mean in actionalble steps.. because for now all of that sounds all good, but its useless if not put into action. I know, I’ve had these great plans and thoughts MANY times and ended up fading out after a week or two.. I was never consistent with it. …. but I am seeing things are slowly changing after my presence here. I have the support. I feel obligated to update my counter (hold myself accountable part).. I believe it’s possible. I am starting to have faith.   SOO.. Time to make a damn plan !!.. BUT cant put too much on the plate,, I am very cautios with that.. Too much and I’ll get overwhelmed and ditch everything and that will make me feel like a failure .. and who knows, that could lead into PMO.. hell no, not taking that route! one step a time baby one step a time!..

so.. plan for now. lets see,  3 main things were:
1.  a structure for my business. Which is basically a daily planner such as get up at 08, etc.   out the door at clock 09 , be at gym at 10 etc. ..
2. go to the gym.
3. no sugar.

So,, I tried these things before and sometimes I can do a streak and just do it on a daily basis without thinking - and some times,, things in my life just happened which made me ditch it all and become all slot and lazy…  the inconsistency is what I am fighting against the most. This is one of my root causes and mostly stems from my innatentive ADD.  well, remember the very first thing I added my counter : TAKE MY ADD PILLS !! Yahh.. and i’ve actually been taking them every morning - sticking to the plan. So it seems some consistency is starting there. It havent gotten me out the door though, but I didnt plan that in. But I am doing that now.  What can I commit to?.. Can I commit to go to the gym on a daily basis?.. hmm.. it’s a mouthful right now.. but I know I really want this, and I know it could benefit me immensly (I was SO damn confident when I was buff).. I think it’s the right thing to add. Add gym as a daily pracsis. .. alright, so.. I need to put it in as a super-low barrier.. nothing like workout for 2hours daily.. no, … way way lower. thinking thinking.. how could I trick myself to commit to the absolute lowest act, that would get my ass out the door without hesitating. hmm…….  Tie my shoes and untie them at the locker room??.. really.. are we going there??.. fuck.. haha..  I mean, just the thought of that,,, I’d be ok with that.   “OK I know I have to get my ass to the gym just to untie and tie my shoes, and it’s a success” .. yea.. that could actually do it for me. I know i’d end up working out anyways hehe but the mind-trick is on another level :D ..    So, typing that in as an update to my counter right now!..

no sugar.. hmm.. I think this part will come naturally when I begin working out. I’ve always been very healthy and fit.. especially when I do gym on a routine basis. I am actually starting to look forward to going to the gym as i am writing this.. why, not sure..  maybe that low-commitment funny crazy idea I just came up with.. tie/untie my shoes haha wth, if this shit works I am going to write a book about it haha.

then the first part.. the structure thing, which again, has been super inconsistent for me. working late.. staying up to 3am mindlesly watchingn random YT videos until my eyes cant no more. I think it has been an escape for me. Kind of like what PMO was in the past.. an escape of sorrow, lonelyness, lack of connection.. just wanting to drown my mind away and falling asleep. Its time to make a change here..  I need more structure in my life. I remember when I had a daily job, there was structure. well, i wasnt ‘happy happy’ but, at least I werent doing the shit i am doing to myself today.. hiding, depressive, not going out, all tied up in front of my pc all day…  I was active and outgoing when I had the security of a steady paycheck, the structure of knowing what to do for the day. I need that back!..  No one is going to make it for me but me. so..  lets see. main things are get enough sleep and get up in the morning, so I have enough energy to take my pills and get my ass out the door towards the gym. That alone would be a great accomplishment.. by time and repetitions i’d have muscles and fit look again, get some confidence, stay diciplined, get some mass on, get a better mindset, be more optimistic, be more approachable, smile more, approach women more and become a super stud .. ok ok, taking it too far now, easy now heh. But yea’,, ..  Get up at clock X and sleep at clock X, would be a good start. So,,, adding to the action plan, my counter. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. it’s a good experiment!.. I really hope I can find consistency in these things as I am experiencing with PMO-free right now….. and imagine if I could.. if so..
I would become the guy I want to be.

Pmo-free .   April 11 .   Day 51
Get up at 09am .   April 11 .   Day 0
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 11 .   Day 8
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 11 .   Day 8
30x Morning pushups .   April 11 .   Day 8
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 11 .   Day 0
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 11 .   Day 0
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 11 .   Day 0

(for new visitors seeing my counter : I know this might seem confusing , but it’s an accountablity counter which seems to have a positive effect for me staying consistent. so just testing things out until 1st of july).

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 11, 2019, 04:05:15 PM »
great posts today! you inspire me. thank you for sharing that!
we're definitely going to take that bull head on again.. but we got this. this time we are suited up with the very best tactics, experience and support.

all the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 11, 2019, 03:28:28 AM »
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!

Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: June 10, 2019, 04:51:54 PM »
Hey OrangeSpider.
Just checking to see that you are doing well. I'm sure you are just busy with work etc.
Anyhow,.. we are all here to support if needed.

all the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 10, 2019, 04:45:10 PM »
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.

Nice work! as you already know, there will be a lot of these "character building" experiences.
...and what you did, was a demonstration of true inner strength! a true will to change. keep it up

I agree, it is about so much more to this.. compassion and a loving connection toward one self and others, are definitely on top of the scale.
Wish you strength ahead - 10 days is outstanding! you are on to a great start

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 09, 2019, 11:00:30 PM »
Good morning day 50!
I did it. reached my goal!.. yesterday did scare me though.. the instant pull that came in a fraction of a second was immensely strong. Normally I would succumb to feelings like that.
So glad I caught the feeling right away and found ways of not taking the easy route,, just to fulfil temporary emotions for a short-term feeling. I quickly realised I was in a stressed state and thankfully I knew that anything that would lead to PMO or any kind of artificial stimulation, would not solve my issues.

I am thankful to stay on the path and be here for the long run. To be honest, it was really scary and getting teary eyes right now how fucking fast it can come,, how tricky it is and how much power it has to lure one in, in a splitsecond. thankful I didn't fall for it.. so thankful! This I believe was the first time I really felt strong and fought against it… because that instant urge was stronger than previous times I felt it. Now I know to NOT binge eat sugar and icecream in one day when stressed,, as it can get me in that state again.

Alright, now on the the positives!.  effing day 50!!  I told you boiii… I was coming for you!! and I got you!!..
50 days, wow.. and in 10 days that’l be 2 months!!!..  Hence : new goal   > >.   the 60 mark!! 

I like to break it up in small reachable goals like that. Still feel the need to journal daily as the powers are still hidden in there, ready to attack.. so I need to be here to stay vigilant in order to come out strong on the other side. I have 1 week to go on the experimental counter thing for vitamins etc. So far I like writing it here as it keeps me accountable. like, I would absolutely HATE updating my counter here without actually have done it. That would make me a liar, a fake and cheat only myself. I would never do that.. I have self integrity to stay true to myself so keeping the counter alive for now. so far im doing good with 1 week in.

Oh yea and I finished YBOP and started The Porn Myth which Pete McVries suggested. Good read so far!

Pmo-free .   April 10 .   Day 50
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 10 .   Day 7
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 10 .   Day 7
30x Morning pushups .   April 10 .   Day 7

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 09, 2019, 01:59:49 PM »
whoaa just hurried in here to write so I wont do anything I'd regret...

My son and I had a great day yesterday and the rest of it today. Then he was picked up,, and I was again alone..  left finding ways of 'making money / what to do' endless search..
get a job? try out this? go travel? start this business idea? what about doing this, or this? .. etc etc etc.. searching like this all day.

on top of that.. I've eaten too much sugar all day and it is putting my body in an elevated state of emotions,, or something like that.. blood sugar probably bouncing everwhere by now.

then.. all the sudden,, it came in a split second out of nowhere > "just do it.. release it.. you will feel good and relaxed after".. that voice.. telling me to find smth to M to..
holy shit!!.. that's when I hurried up clicking the Reboot Nation bookmark... I just wanted to get in here asap and just write ANYTHING!!

..It's probably a combo-mix of stress, anxiety for the future and the high amount of sugar-intake that is doing all of this. I am really thankful I am this observant when these sudden urges / spikes of malware thoughts enter my brain..  I had that instant flashback memory of me in a PMO act as it was happening....body were trying to make me go there again - hell no,,,, it scared me how powerful the pull was,, so I instantly pressed the shortcut to get here instead.. damn ..

ok, writing seemed to reset everything... focusing that I am reaching my 50th day goal for tomorrow. I can do it!.. no urge or stress is going to set me back!
I am aware i'm in a high-state of stress and anxiety.

Will calm myself down with some meditation and go to bed early, so I can get up and celebrate my 50th + be productive early on.  Take care all!

Pmo-free .   April 9 .   Day 49
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 9 .   Day 6
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 9 .   Day 6
30x Morning pushups .   April 9 .   Day 6

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 08, 2019, 03:40:38 AM »
Having wet dreams more often.. typically in the mornings.. Im half sleeping, half grinding the bed due to dreams of being with women,,  then I wake up and become aware of it, and I simply stop it.
Things are on automatic per say. No urges to see P, however I do feel like a wanting to interact with women.. which typically leads to testing a dating site, but end up closing it right after because of how fake and shallow I feel it is...

but there is something more than that underlying,, I think it's that I don't feel deserving of having women into my life as things are going now. I'm always so serious about my work, despite it not working out as I want, not making any $ and it's stressing me out.. all of that combined makes me stay at home trying to make money,, isolated,, and categorize myself as unworthy of attracting people into my life.. 'what do I have to offer' sort of thinking,, which logically I know is totally ridiculous..   Thing is I dont have my own place, however, one of my friends offered his apartment to me and said I could take it whenever I wanted and bring ladies there,, so I cant use that excuse any more (not having my own place).

Truth is I can sweep up almost any woman (where there is a mutual interest) with my charm when I'm with her,.. money and stuff doesn't matter, . It's just my thinking that hinders me, thoughts like;  (you have to have money, you have to BE SOMEBODY, you have to have status, you have to be powerful etc).. these are the kinds of thoughts that sabotages me, the perfectionist in me that doesn't want me to make mistakes and don't like being judged etc. This is what isolates me and makes me stay home and try so hard becoming that guy.. 
It's like, I am stopping myself of even approaching anyone because I am afraid to tell my story, what I am going through.. and mostly, that I am not ....successful.

the 'successful' word hurts me just thinking about it. I know why... 2 years ago, my ex told me some very nasty words.. words that felt like piled through my heart with a big fucking pole.
she said I wasn't successful, I didn't know what I wanted in life, I had no direction, .... basically that she saw me as a loser. I was going through a lot of hard times at that point and that was the least of everything I needed to hear,, as I was changing up my life at that time..   Those words made me work hard daily to become succesful.. it hurt me so much...

since that time..  2 years later, I have isolated myself from everyone.. gone underground..  why?.. cause of working daily, and i'm still not fucking 'successful' YET..   well, she messed me up for sure in that regard.. but I do realise she projected her own insecurities and fears onto me that day.    I've forgiven her despite it all. I get attached to people I love very strongly.. and when they hurt me, I feel VERY hurt..  All I wanted was to love her and her to love me - but yea'.. turned out she was a golddigger ,, and there is a saying 'you cant make a ho into a housewife'. I wont go into that, but found she truly was a person going for money, fame and attention.. what a shame. But oh well.. life lessons. Moving on. I'll find someone that loves me for me some day. I also have to remind myself that not all women are like that and that every single women/experience are truly unique and have never happened before.. and anything can happen - so never give up hope.

anyways... for now, i'm stuck here, don't feel like online-dating shit... and not easy meeting women when I'm inside working so much.
'Need to make a plan to spend some time outside as well. Weather is getting better etc,  so the opportunities are there for sure. Will have to get out more for sure.. hit on some women just for the fun of it and take things from there...  could definetly use a small weekend trip or smth to kickstart my game again.  hmm.. that was actually a good idea. will see next week.

This weekend I'll be spending time with my son. Will be all about him and devote my full attention to him (I don't get to see him often).
Have a great weekend everyone - stay safe, stay strong.

monday will be day 50!..
Pmo-free .   April 8 .   Day 48
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 8 .   Day 5
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 8 .   Day 5
30x Morning pushups .   April 8 .   Day 5

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 06, 2019, 02:05:41 PM »
nothing special, just an counter update.

Pmo-free .   April 6 .   Day 46
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 6 .   Day 3
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 6 .   Day 3
30x Morning pushups .   April 6 .   Day 3

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 05, 2019, 05:07:59 PM »
Thinking about something.. a couple of years ago I watched some documentary on being vegan.. the content had a very deep impact on me, and I went hard mode vegan from that day. I was vegan for 9 months after that documentary. Then friends and family started telling me I wasn't looking good, lost weigh etc. Then it hit me.. The vegan lifestyle wasnt healthy for me. I tried it, but it was not for me. So I knew I wanted to stop it.   However, there was a trigger,, I went to a place where I use to eat grilled chicken, and I succumbed eating meat that very day. I had no self control.

Im annoyed that I didn’t really decide eating meat before hand, I kind fell of the vegan lapse that very day (that smell of grilled chicken completely took over all my human controls heh).
After eating I rationalised it that ‘I was getting weak’.. I had to eat meat etc. -  I just wish I had decided before hand that I was going to eat meat before entering that restaurant.

— Why am I writing all of this? Fear.. fear of losing control, if a strong-enough trigger pops in my face again… The fear of falling into some site,
on a day of boredom,
a day of stress or anxiety -
that leads me to wanting to get relief, and I succumb to the ‘old me’ of pmo’ing to free up my troubled head and sucumbing to ‘feel good’ in that very moment. I fear that.

I have no idea what I am going to do when those days come.. 
will I be strong enough to endure?
will I be able to think rationally and do something else for relief?…
what if it’s a really big crisis or something.. 

having many thought right now as I was reading other people’s blogs. Seeing how damn easy it is to fall into PMO again and again..over years and years.. 
I don't want that for me. ……. I know what I don't want, but haven’t really thought or focused of what I truly want!..

If I put too much focus on what I dont want, Im sure I will attract more of just that. and that ain't no good. 
Need to make some strategies and set some goals towards what I want in my life.
I need to put a direction in the gps, otherwise life will take me as IT wishes… I have to set the roadmap. oh well that will be for another post

…………. and maybe I am just overthinking things right now and projecting into the future.. shit I have no idea will happen or not.
But I know that it will always good to have a contengincy plan + making goals.       

day 46 tomorrow. so here is a special message for day 50  : “I am gonna tear u apart! and you'r friend too!!” =)    ie. seeing myself hit the goal already.
just had a coming to america moment thinking of that line haha. Take care all, We got this!

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 05, 2019, 01:41:02 PM »
Any suggestions!?
Do something nice for you'r mom, even if there are so many mixed feelings and everything and probably the hardest thing to do right now.
Just the act of giving flowers and a card saying that you love her. nothing more.

My belief is you will receive what you give... if you are suffering, it may attract more suffering from others (in other way, shape and forms - such as victim role as you mention).
Whereas, if you give what you want to receive ("I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.") > you want better communication with your mom .. its better to start with a small step, a kind gesture. Only love and compassion will open a closed up heart.  just my suggestion but naturally I don't know what is going on other than what you write. I just wish for the both of you, a more compassionate relationship. 

If I may also suggest a video, something has helped me in the past in regards easing these kind of feelings ; "".
Enjoy the holiday! > ps. 1 month is freakin awesome!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:34:38 AM »
Made the mistake of installing Tinder last night.. why, not sure.. but spent swiping mindlessly for like 2hours. I swiped 'not interested' on like 99.9999% on all of the girls.
Swiped so much that finally saw a girl I met some years ago and I was like 'she still here..  da hell.. then what the fuck am I doing here' > went and deleted that shit right away.

It was a good test though (despite loosing sleep and time) because I found out that ;     a) I had zero interest in girls from the country I live in,, or maybe its just the fake pixel stuff doing it..    b) happy not to waste my time on that crap .   c) It definitely incentivised me to approach women I see more,, as all dating sites and such are by now ruled out. that stuff aint working for me no more. It did A LOT in the past.. but that was all lust and wanting to chase some tail for the sex of it. not in it for chasing any longer. I am sure some people meet there and get real relationships as well etc, but I dunno.. seemed too much of a time-waster and it was just surreal. Glad I tried it, and deleted it.. Now that is out of the way ).  I'd rather want to meet a person irl, give compliments and build a natural relationship like that.

anyways.. got up super late today.. updating counter and heading to the gym. Will prob just keep it at one post a day.
I promised myself that I wouldn't press the 'post' button before I had done the things on the counter so here goes....

Pmo-free .   April 5 .   Day 45
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 5 .   Day 2
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 5 .   Day 2
30x Morning pushups .   April 5 .   Day 2

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 04, 2019, 05:33:43 PM »
Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin :) .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 04, 2019, 05:25:57 PM »
Hi M)
Here to support you on this journey. You seem very introspective and mindful of your actions.. that is great! And you have an amazing questioning process.. Took a screenshot of those questions so I can use them so thnx:).

This line made me stop reading and think..  “Ultimately my reboot is about love and respect for myself and others.” Didn’t think about it in those terms before, respecting others (objectification)..
Very interesting perspective, will read more about it.

Day 4, yess! keep it up!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 04, 2019, 12:24:13 PM »
Was good journaling earlier.. I grabbed my bike and went to the gym right after. I

a special thank you to that person that DM'ed me earlier.
He reached out basically to say he was online if I needed to chat n order to get over the cravings. What a thoughtful and kind gesture!
and it really made me think about stuff today...... so gonna spill out some thoughts and ideas I have.

Not sure where to start, but here goes.
I was thinking why I could keep a streak this far, like 44 days is a pretty consistent record (for me) .. I have massive ADD, so my very nature is being impulsive and I have issues following through. but... with this, I can follow through..  was thinking why it was so,, then I was CLEAR : I was not doing it just for me ... I was doing it for every person reading these words as well. I was doing it to inspire people, that it actually was possible despite the ups and downs. Know im only 44 days in but I am really starting to believe this pmo-free stuff is possible.. like, completely.. forever.

SO.. why am I starting to believe this?.. what made it?... I think it's because I am starting to feel some sort of obligation to others here. Like, I really REALLY want to be a positive example of a person that 'made it' (not that there is a stop-line, as I believe making it is managing ourselves for the rest of our lives). So yea.. I think the fact that I am writing here more often, people following me, commenting on my journey and such, gives me some sense of really not wanting to disappoint people. Of coarse this journey is first and foremost for me, and I dont want to dissapoint myself as well of coarse,, but all the times I've relapsed, was because I was alone about it. No one following me.. I didnt feel there was any attention, no support, no nothing..  Now, I feel different, even if it's a few people commenting etc, I still wanna do good and set a good example. So.. I truly think this has been the difference.: Doing it for not just me, but others as well. That is why I could go through it for the past 44 days - and hopefully MANY days to come.   I know not to put any pressure on myself etc. and lets face it, I am human... so SHOULD it happen that i'd relapse, then I would be 100% honest about it here. I would only cheat myself by lying,, I would never.. I despise people that lie.. anyways, back to topic. The thought of people reading my comments and encouraging me, has given me another perspective on this thing. I am actually following through and sticking to the plan!.. All because of u guys (and if any girls reading=).

ok, now.. here are my other thoughts. Since my commitment towards people here is on this level, that I can be this consistent, then, why shouldn't I be able to add some other stuff to my counter?..
What if I added things slowly on a experimental basis, like,, 14 days to begin with.. and seeing if I follow through on that as well?.. what if I actually felt compelled to write here and look forward to tell the nation that I did that thing.. today, the next day etc.. and it became a habit. What if..  ..  That would just mean the WORLD to me.. being consistent and implementing a daily routine, so I once again could become happy.  So I want to list some thing that made me happy moments and see what I can slowly implement (without too much on the plate).

> taking my ADD pill on a daily basis
I have been absolutely inconsistent taking my pills. They do help me 'get started' .. but often I forget, I postpone, I dont take them reguraly and that hurts my daily structure. So this is a thing i'd love to put on the counter - taking my pills in the morning. Just for a 14 day period to see if it makes changes in my life or not. I took them earlier today and I biked to gym so it must do something.

> pushups
I've been doing that regurarly before and it just boosted my testostorone a lot (not that i'm lacking any of it, quite the opposite) but I really want to implement that as soon as I get up. Just to have my muscles pumped up and ready for the day. Ideally it would be 30x pushups when I get up.

> Vitamins
maan.. I've tried SO many times to take my vitamins on a daily basis.. and just like everything else I "forget" it one of the days... and it becomes a habit to forget it, and boom.. out of routine.
What if I had to 'check' it off in the morning and update my counter,, that I actually HAD taken them. Just the thought of having to update my vitamin-counter here, would incentivise me to take them. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. Dont want to put too much on the plate... so, I've decided for the next 14 days, that I am going to make a addition to my counter.
And I am going to make two daily posts. One in the morning when I've checked off the list, and one in the evening that goes through my mental state and just to show up. .
I am sorry that if the post will get too spammy, this is the downside to it, like.. writing two posts a day. But hey, I am going to take it as a personal experiment the next 14 days.. to see if I am going to follow through or not. There is a possibility my ADD takes over and 'forgets' to write, or get totally disorganized that it dont go as planned. i know this in advance, and if I cant follow through, then I wont be dissapointed in myself or be hard on myself. I know ADD can cause this. But for now, I feel commited to take this as a challenge. Lets do this!

Alright, here are the changes to my counter for the next 14 days (till 18 June).

Pmo-free .   April 4 .   Day 44
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 4 .   Day 1
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 4 .   Day 1
30x Morning pushups .   April 4 .   Day 1

So, this counter is starting from today on a experimental basis for the next 14 days. The rules are following : I HAVE to open this journal as soon as I get up, as my very first action is to update my counter as the first thing. Here goes nothing.. If I would be able to follow through with this, wow.. that would be amazing for me!.. I know it might seem as a simple thing for some of you guys, but for me being totally inconsistent with almost everything else in my life for the moment (besides being pmo free), it would mean consistency I always been longing for.. routine, good habits.. and these good habits could lead to other good habits (pills would for example get my day going, and would most likely get me to the gym, and I'd get more confidence etc)..

so, crossing my fingers to see if this would work. I will set an alarm that wakes me up every morning that plays an mp3 audio recording that plays get my ass up and update the counter :) ..  I am really hoping this stuff works. alright. I'll stop here and dear journal, see you every day for the next 14 days every morning. Take care ya'll.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: June 04, 2019, 06:53:36 AM »
Then I thought about what I really want to achieve and closed it
. <---------- huge progress!!
I knew you could do it man!.. believe in you! If you can win over the sensation once, why wouldn't you be able to the next time?
You just told you'r body that YOU are in control. Keep on doing more of this. You got this!..  Going down?,, I think more like you are going down to write a 10-day streak anytime soon. I can see it before me. Keep up the good work buddy and don't get tempted by those tricksters. They are doing nothing good for you. are they?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 04, 2019, 06:49:10 AM »
Just doing an update, in one of my hardest hours - as my cravings are insane right now. Watching an interview on yt and just an normal girl being interviewed and my eyes keep shifting to see more of her, as in sexual cravings way.. I feel my body gets crazy horny etc and wants to touch myself.  I can feel my cojones tightened up and feel like it's like a loaded gun just wanting me to squeeze the trigger. In ways of my body trying to tell me "go ahead, look for more girls.. it's ok".. and such. I got away from it and went ahead and did my meditations to ease of the worst of these sensations. In my meditation I sat and really tried to tune in on these sensations and try to still my body and mind. was not easy, but I passed the test. all good.

I have to say that this community, the people responding with encouraging words..  is much more valuable to me than I'd ever thought. The support here is just a huge amount of help and to be honest, i'm not sure if I could withstand without knowing someone was reading. It means a lot to me. It's like I am not going through this it just for myself, but also for people here. It makes me feel i'm not alone in this and feel supported. To be honest at times I feel these sensations and I catch them I get thoughts like 'I dont want to let people down reading my journey.. I want to be a success example this time'... and these thoughts make me stronger and go through the wall of temptation that pop up once a while. Knowing I will come here and write about actions.

Thanks Pete for reminding me that the journey is supposed to be like this, in waves with some days up and some days down - and to endure when down and not to forget or let guards down when up. My focus is still 50 days for now ,, and even as i'm writing this with my body about to explode,, am definitely not giving in. MindoverModem got back to my zazen practice, and did it as soon as I felt the urges today and helped a lot. I sat through the sensations, just being there and let it pass.

Thankfully I've become really good at feeling my body and shutting everything down when it gets too excited and refocus to do something else. It was crazy hard today,, because I was like mentally arguing with myself when the sensations was at the top. Usually when I get aroused my body wants me to touched on some sensitive parts on my upper body,, this is a huge trigger of mine.. if I start touching myself, then I fall into the rabbit hole. So I've done everything not to go there and really happy I can calm myself. I tell myself that I can save it, for when I'm with a girl.

I make fun telling myself that I truly feel sorry for the next girl I'm going to have inter coarse with. She wont know how much is 'saved up'. Last girl I was with I literally broke her bed, so I had to buy screws and everything to put it back in place haha. I'd rather want story's to tell like that, instead of a falling for a quick-fix because of sudden arousal,, then being shameful about it afterwards and knowing I have to start over once again. Get saddened just writing about it, as I (all of us) have been there .. and it feels like shit.

Whoah.. it helped. Coming here when my arousal is at the top, and writing my thoughts and feelings out, truly helps. It helps me get out of the both mental & body lust-cycle and get rational about it. thank you all once again for all the support! I'm even starting to believe would be able to do 100 days =) .. but yea, one day a time -> 50 is up next.

counter : April 4 / day 44


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