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Messages - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 06, 2019, 02:05:41 PM »
nothing special, just an counter update.

Pmo-free .   April 6 .   Day 46
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 6 .   Day 3
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 6 .   Day 3
30x Morning pushups .   April 6 .   Day 3

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 05, 2019, 05:07:59 PM »
Thinking about something.. a couple of years ago I watched some documentary on being vegan.. the content had a very deep impact on me, and I went hard mode vegan from that day. I was vegan for 9 months after that documentary. Then friends and family started telling me I wasn't looking good, lost weigh etc. Then it hit me.. The vegan lifestyle wasnt healthy for me. I tried it, but it was not for me. So I knew I wanted to stop it.   However, there was a trigger,, I went to a place where I use to eat grilled chicken, and I succumbed eating meat that very day. I had no self control.

Im annoyed that I didn’t really decide eating meat before hand, I kind fell of the vegan lapse that very day (that smell of grilled chicken completely took over all my human controls heh).
After eating I rationalised it that ‘I was getting weak’.. I had to eat meat etc. -  I just wish I had decided before hand that I was going to eat meat before entering that restaurant.

— Why am I writing all of this? Fear.. fear of losing control, if a strong-enough trigger pops in my face again… The fear of falling into some site,
on a day of boredom,
a day of stress or anxiety -
that leads me to wanting to get relief, and I succumb to the ‘old me’ of pmo’ing to free up my troubled head and sucumbing to ‘feel good’ in that very moment. I fear that.

I have no idea what I am going to do when those days come.. 
will I be strong enough to endure?
will I be able to think rationally and do something else for relief?…
what if it’s a really big crisis or something.. 

having many thought right now as I was reading other people’s blogs. Seeing how damn easy it is to fall into PMO again and again..over years and years.. 
I don't want that for me. ……. I know what I don't want, but haven’t really thought or focused of what I truly want!..

If I put too much focus on what I dont want, Im sure I will attract more of just that. and that ain't no good. 
Need to make some strategies and set some goals towards what I want in my life.
I need to put a direction in the gps, otherwise life will take me as IT wishes… I have to set the roadmap. oh well that will be for another post

…………. and maybe I am just overthinking things right now and projecting into the future.. shit I have no idea will happen or not.
But I know that it will always good to have a contengincy plan + making goals.       

day 46 tomorrow. so here is a special message for day 50  : “I am gonna tear u apart! and you'r friend too!!” =)    ie. seeing myself hit the goal already.
just had a coming to america moment thinking of that line haha. Take care all, We got this!

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 05, 2019, 01:41:02 PM »
Any suggestions!?
Do something nice for you'r mom, even if there are so many mixed feelings and everything and probably the hardest thing to do right now.
Just the act of giving flowers and a card saying that you love her. nothing more.

My belief is you will receive what you give... if you are suffering, it may attract more suffering from others (in other way, shape and forms - such as victim role as you mention).
Whereas, if you give what you want to receive ("I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.") > you want better communication with your mom .. its better to start with a small step, a kind gesture. Only love and compassion will open a closed up heart.  just my suggestion but naturally I don't know what is going on other than what you write. I just wish for the both of you, a more compassionate relationship. 

If I may also suggest a video, something has helped me in the past in regards easing these kind of feelings ; "".
Enjoy the holiday! > ps. 1 month is freakin awesome!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 05, 2019, 04:34:38 AM »
Made the mistake of installing Tinder last night.. why, not sure.. but spent swiping mindlessly for like 2hours. I swiped 'not interested' on like 99.9999% on all of the girls.
Swiped so much that finally saw a girl I met some years ago and I was like 'she still here..  da hell.. then what the fuck am I doing here' > went and deleted that shit right away.

It was a good test though (despite loosing sleep and time) because I found out that ;     a) I had zero interest in girls from the country I live in,, or maybe its just the fake pixel stuff doing it..    b) happy not to waste my time on that crap .   c) It definitely incentivised me to approach women I see more,, as all dating sites and such are by now ruled out. that stuff aint working for me no more. It did A LOT in the past.. but that was all lust and wanting to chase some tail for the sex of it. not in it for chasing any longer. I am sure some people meet there and get real relationships as well etc, but I dunno.. seemed too much of a time-waster and it was just surreal. Glad I tried it, and deleted it.. Now that is out of the way ).  I'd rather want to meet a person irl, give compliments and build a natural relationship like that.

anyways.. got up super late today.. updating counter and heading to the gym. Will prob just keep it at one post a day.
I promised myself that I wouldn't press the 'post' button before I had done the things on the counter so here goes....

Pmo-free .   April 5 .   Day 45
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 5 .   Day 2
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 5 .   Day 2
30x Morning pushups .   April 5 .   Day 2

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 04, 2019, 05:33:43 PM »
Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin :) .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 04, 2019, 05:25:57 PM »
Hi M)
Here to support you on this journey. You seem very introspective and mindful of your actions.. that is great! And you have an amazing questioning process.. Took a screenshot of those questions so I can use them so thnx:).

This line made me stop reading and think..  “Ultimately my reboot is about love and respect for myself and others.” Didn’t think about it in those terms before, respecting others (objectification)..
Very interesting perspective, will read more about it.

Day 4, yess! keep it up!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 04, 2019, 12:24:13 PM »
Was good journaling earlier.. I grabbed my bike and went to the gym right after. I

a special thank you to that person that DM'ed me earlier.
He reached out basically to say he was online if I needed to chat n order to get over the cravings. What a thoughtful and kind gesture!
and it really made me think about stuff today...... so gonna spill out some thoughts and ideas I have.

Not sure where to start, but here goes.
I was thinking why I could keep a streak this far, like 44 days is a pretty consistent record (for me) .. I have massive ADD, so my very nature is being impulsive and I have issues following through. but... with this, I can follow through..  was thinking why it was so,, then I was CLEAR : I was not doing it just for me ... I was doing it for every person reading these words as well. I was doing it to inspire people, that it actually was possible despite the ups and downs. Know im only 44 days in but I am really starting to believe this pmo-free stuff is possible.. like, completely.. forever.

SO.. why am I starting to believe this?.. what made it?... I think it's because I am starting to feel some sort of obligation to others here. Like, I really REALLY want to be a positive example of a person that 'made it' (not that there is a stop-line, as I believe making it is managing ourselves for the rest of our lives). So yea.. I think the fact that I am writing here more often, people following me, commenting on my journey and such, gives me some sense of really not wanting to disappoint people. Of coarse this journey is first and foremost for me, and I dont want to dissapoint myself as well of coarse,, but all the times I've relapsed, was because I was alone about it. No one following me.. I didnt feel there was any attention, no support, no nothing..  Now, I feel different, even if it's a few people commenting etc, I still wanna do good and set a good example. So.. I truly think this has been the difference.: Doing it for not just me, but others as well. That is why I could go through it for the past 44 days - and hopefully MANY days to come.   I know not to put any pressure on myself etc. and lets face it, I am human... so SHOULD it happen that i'd relapse, then I would be 100% honest about it here. I would only cheat myself by lying,, I would never.. I despise people that lie.. anyways, back to topic. The thought of people reading my comments and encouraging me, has given me another perspective on this thing. I am actually following through and sticking to the plan!.. All because of u guys (and if any girls reading=).

ok, now.. here are my other thoughts. Since my commitment towards people here is on this level, that I can be this consistent, then, why shouldn't I be able to add some other stuff to my counter?..
What if I added things slowly on a experimental basis, like,, 14 days to begin with.. and seeing if I follow through on that as well?.. what if I actually felt compelled to write here and look forward to tell the nation that I did that thing.. today, the next day etc.. and it became a habit. What if..  ..  That would just mean the WORLD to me.. being consistent and implementing a daily routine, so I once again could become happy.  So I want to list some thing that made me happy moments and see what I can slowly implement (without too much on the plate).

> taking my ADD pill on a daily basis
I have been absolutely inconsistent taking my pills. They do help me 'get started' .. but often I forget, I postpone, I dont take them reguraly and that hurts my daily structure. So this is a thing i'd love to put on the counter - taking my pills in the morning. Just for a 14 day period to see if it makes changes in my life or not. I took them earlier today and I biked to gym so it must do something.

> pushups
I've been doing that regurarly before and it just boosted my testostorone a lot (not that i'm lacking any of it, quite the opposite) but I really want to implement that as soon as I get up. Just to have my muscles pumped up and ready for the day. Ideally it would be 30x pushups when I get up.

> Vitamins
maan.. I've tried SO many times to take my vitamins on a daily basis.. and just like everything else I "forget" it one of the days... and it becomes a habit to forget it, and boom.. out of routine.
What if I had to 'check' it off in the morning and update my counter,, that I actually HAD taken them. Just the thought of having to update my vitamin-counter here, would incentivise me to take them. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. Dont want to put too much on the plate... so, I've decided for the next 14 days, that I am going to make a addition to my counter.
And I am going to make two daily posts. One in the morning when I've checked off the list, and one in the evening that goes through my mental state and just to show up. .
I am sorry that if the post will get too spammy, this is the downside to it, like.. writing two posts a day. But hey, I am going to take it as a personal experiment the next 14 days.. to see if I am going to follow through or not. There is a possibility my ADD takes over and 'forgets' to write, or get totally disorganized that it dont go as planned. i know this in advance, and if I cant follow through, then I wont be dissapointed in myself or be hard on myself. I know ADD can cause this. But for now, I feel commited to take this as a challenge. Lets do this!

Alright, here are the changes to my counter for the next 14 days (till 18 June).

Pmo-free .   April 4 .   Day 44
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 4 .   Day 1
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 4 .   Day 1
30x Morning pushups .   April 4 .   Day 1

So, this counter is starting from today on a experimental basis for the next 14 days. The rules are following : I HAVE to open this journal as soon as I get up, as my very first action is to update my counter as the first thing. Here goes nothing.. If I would be able to follow through with this, wow.. that would be amazing for me!.. I know it might seem as a simple thing for some of you guys, but for me being totally inconsistent with almost everything else in my life for the moment (besides being pmo free), it would mean consistency I always been longing for.. routine, good habits.. and these good habits could lead to other good habits (pills would for example get my day going, and would most likely get me to the gym, and I'd get more confidence etc)..

so, crossing my fingers to see if this would work. I will set an alarm that wakes me up every morning that plays an mp3 audio recording that plays get my ass up and update the counter :) ..  I am really hoping this stuff works. alright. I'll stop here and dear journal, see you every day for the next 14 days every morning. Take care ya'll.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: June 04, 2019, 06:53:36 AM »
Then I thought about what I really want to achieve and closed it
. <---------- huge progress!!
I knew you could do it man!.. believe in you! If you can win over the sensation once, why wouldn't you be able to the next time?
You just told you'r body that YOU are in control. Keep on doing more of this. You got this!..  Going down?,, I think more like you are going down to write a 10-day streak anytime soon. I can see it before me. Keep up the good work buddy and don't get tempted by those tricksters. They are doing nothing good for you. are they?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 04, 2019, 06:49:10 AM »
Just doing an update, in one of my hardest hours - as my cravings are insane right now. Watching an interview on yt and just an normal girl being interviewed and my eyes keep shifting to see more of her, as in sexual cravings way.. I feel my body gets crazy horny etc and wants to touch myself.  I can feel my cojones tightened up and feel like it's like a loaded gun just wanting me to squeeze the trigger. In ways of my body trying to tell me "go ahead, look for more girls.. it's ok".. and such. I got away from it and went ahead and did my meditations to ease of the worst of these sensations. In my meditation I sat and really tried to tune in on these sensations and try to still my body and mind. was not easy, but I passed the test. all good.

I have to say that this community, the people responding with encouraging words..  is much more valuable to me than I'd ever thought. The support here is just a huge amount of help and to be honest, i'm not sure if I could withstand without knowing someone was reading. It means a lot to me. It's like I am not going through this it just for myself, but also for people here. It makes me feel i'm not alone in this and feel supported. To be honest at times I feel these sensations and I catch them I get thoughts like 'I dont want to let people down reading my journey.. I want to be a success example this time'... and these thoughts make me stronger and go through the wall of temptation that pop up once a while. Knowing I will come here and write about actions.

Thanks Pete for reminding me that the journey is supposed to be like this, in waves with some days up and some days down - and to endure when down and not to forget or let guards down when up. My focus is still 50 days for now ,, and even as i'm writing this with my body about to explode,, am definitely not giving in. MindoverModem got back to my zazen practice, and did it as soon as I felt the urges today and helped a lot. I sat through the sensations, just being there and let it pass.

Thankfully I've become really good at feeling my body and shutting everything down when it gets too excited and refocus to do something else. It was crazy hard today,, because I was like mentally arguing with myself when the sensations was at the top. Usually when I get aroused my body wants me to touched on some sensitive parts on my upper body,, this is a huge trigger of mine.. if I start touching myself, then I fall into the rabbit hole. So I've done everything not to go there and really happy I can calm myself. I tell myself that I can save it, for when I'm with a girl.

I make fun telling myself that I truly feel sorry for the next girl I'm going to have inter coarse with. She wont know how much is 'saved up'. Last girl I was with I literally broke her bed, so I had to buy screws and everything to put it back in place haha. I'd rather want story's to tell like that, instead of a falling for a quick-fix because of sudden arousal,, then being shameful about it afterwards and knowing I have to start over once again. Get saddened just writing about it, as I (all of us) have been there .. and it feels like shit.

Whoah.. it helped. Coming here when my arousal is at the top, and writing my thoughts and feelings out, truly helps. It helps me get out of the both mental & body lust-cycle and get rational about it. thank you all once again for all the support! I'm even starting to believe would be able to do 100 days =) .. but yea, one day a time -> 50 is up next.

counter : April 4 / day 44


Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 02, 2019, 06:13:03 AM »
Thanks for that Gassho. Yea Zazen is very special.. it requires (and teaches) discipline that comes with practice.
- Hardcore zen master would say it's good for nothing =).

I am sure it is helpful in this journey as well. I must admit, haven't been doing it for a couple of weeks.
.. thank you for reminding me to take up the practice again, much appreciated.

if anyone is interested about 'zazen' and have an hour to spare.. then check out this movie ;

counter : April 2 / day 42

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 01, 2019, 10:13:34 AM »
Total brainfog.. no energy, zombie, lifeless.

I wish and hope that all of this eventually fixes my brainfog or whatever that is going on with my mind. I hate being so lazy and so purposeless, just straight up depressed and feel like life is going no where for me. Stay at home 24/7 because I have zero energy for anything.. I basically just sleep and daze off wasting time on stuff like YT. Still waiting for response from some people for making design for my homepage but everything is going so slowly. The issues I face are my incredible brain-fog.

feel like my brain has been taken out of my body. like everything is totally empty in there

sleep late, get up late and do nothing during the day

no feelings.. not even to visit my son.. and I feel like crap for not being there for him.

My brain is just on-sleep most of the time.. it's like nothing is working, and my motivation for doing anything is not there. Cant even go to the gym (used to be a gymrat and train very hard).. that is all gone.. Just feel totally lifeless. I've read of this 'flatline' thing, and maybe it's just that.... but god damn this is a horrible state to be in. Im just sleeping my life away and getting no where in life.

One day I want to do XYZ, then suddenly I change it all up and wanna do something completly else instead - and end up doing none of it.. imagine being a creative person that gets great ideas on a daily basis but have zero drive to follow up on it. I used to do all kinds of crazy stuff, but it's like all my motivation is gone.
I was mostly able to do amazing things when I had a stable income.. now, I have nothing.. and it's tearing me apart. So the idea for my business was to generate an income for myself,, so I can get back up and gain some confidence in myself. Cant continue living like this.. I dont have my own place, no income, no friend, no money, no nothing..  It was not like this before, I had everything.. until I got sick on my previous job. Went 4-5 years since then, and now I am here.. got no where. 

Know my ADD has something to do with this, but I cant keep using that as an excuse. enough is enough. I need to fix my situation and become a better version of myself. Someone my kid can look up to. Now, I am so ashamed of myself that I am isolating myself from everyone, even my own son.. it hurts me, as many of these patterns are something I see in my father. He was never there for me, I didn't feel 'wanted'.. He kept for himself and used weed as a medicine etc. He is a kind and loving father but never gave me anything to look up to or any life direction. He was and is, just there.. and that is not inspiring to me. It makes me sad that I am in that rut of life now, and it seems hopeless and im stuck here (for now)..

Was always a go-getter and determined getting what I wanted... and after some failed business attempts and loss of money,, I am now here. with nothing. So I have to build myself up again.
It's not easy, but I aint no quitter... But I can feel my relationships to my son, sons mother, parents and everyone around me is going down the drain. well my friends are there, sort of.. We meet once a while but that's it. I'm alone on this one, and it's not easy...

Hopefully this flat line shit will go away so I can become a bit clearer and set things in action. I am also thinking about getting professional help, because I dont think this depressive state for this long of a period is normal or healthy. My problem is, why am I so lazy .. why so lifeless?.. is it because of this journey of pmo-free, my ADD, do I have depression.. what is it?!.. 

still... trucking along - next stop;  50.

counter : April 1 / day 41

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 30, 2019, 06:15:17 PM »
                                                           Day 40 !
Boom!!.. did it.. no peeking, no pmo, no nothing what so ever in forty days.. milestone!

I am getting better at feeling the sensations in my body, when it wants to lure me towards peeking or smth like that. I instantly feel it, recognise it for what it is (lust for fake endorphins and stimulus) and kindly say "naah, we aint going there buddy". That's what has been working for me, so will optimise this process along the way. Thankful I can keep my emotions at bay, surely not easy but manageable. To be honest, I don't ever think its going to be easy.. the quick-fix solution will always be readily available and most likely the internet will become more flooded with enticing ways for quick-fix "solutions" for low state emotions. My focus will be on this ; Managing. This is all I can do, feeling the feelings inside and communicating with them.

Here is an example of self-talk / self-communication whenever a lustful feelings would arise;
"hey.. I see you are feeling like this right now. You are feeling lust because you stumbled into something you really like here. That is nice, but hey.. remember the past?.. how much you've spent time viewing all of this stuff?.. It didn't get you what you were watching at that moment did it?.. naah.. so why would it now?..  I do understand it makes you feel really good right now.. but please understand what you are watching right now, is not real. Kindly pull the eject button and lets go do something else. "

This form of guiding self-talk is working for me.
So, going for the five-o now.. the 50 :).   
....Can I do it.. hell yeah!

Positives this week : Slowly starting to creep out my layers of feelings of inability and sloth. Been working on a business-plan for an IT company, finished up business processes etc and mocked up everything for a website. Starting to reach out to designers to inquire for prices of a landing page and flyer. So slowly getting started on making a business for myself, instead of sitting home not doing jack.. That has really killed me the last many months, and finally getting myself out the pity party and making some changes. My biggest challenge will be the mindset of making money for my company,, as i've been institutionalised the last 20 years or so (working for large companies).. I got out of that some years ago, but never really made anything for myself. So having it a go at this.. I have the skills and confidence to provide IT services so I know i'll be a boss at it. It's 100x times better than sitting in a room and breathing the same recycled air and watching a screen for 15/h a day.. I cant do that shit anymore.. I need to get out, go meet people.. fix shit, make people happy.. and make money of it. Let's see where it goes... but taking the step now and leaping forward.
I got this!..

counter : may 31 / day 40

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« on: May 29, 2019, 03:47:54 PM »
what a great update!.. and what a journey you've been through to get here, much respect!
this post makes me really happy for you. to read a person going through all that hardship, but keeps on going, and eventually odds turns in his favour! very inspiring.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 28, 2019, 07:23:10 AM »
Thank man! really appreciate you'r comment.. It definitely gives me some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Yea I can totally understand you, my body starting to scream for me to do something, anything, to get in touch with real women. I am 100% positive I will get there.

Glad you got through the depression and ended up seeing that girl! Thanks for the encouragement! really helps)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 28, 2019, 06:46:51 AM »
Need to make a quick update, couldn't wait to day 40.
Years ago I tried quitting this, I made the mistake of suddenly vanishing after some months of free pmo.. thinking I was cured.
I vanished from the site and boom, life hit in some mystery way, and I fell into the trap.

I am not making that mistake again (vanishing from here).. I'd rather update every day. I've found it very helpful to journal on a daily basis to stay clean.
So that's what I am going to do. Keep updating that counter and go through the storm =)

So whats up.. I dont know why I look forward to the 40-day number so much.. I guess its a goal of mine, a milestone.. never set that goal but somehow that number has a meaning to me.
so.. 3 days to go :) :) ;)

Besides that.. I am horneyy as fuck. My machinery is pulsating constantly like crazy.. my body is sending my impulses to release all that energy all the time.
.. "just take you'r hand and do it" is the signals I get all the freaking day, from I get up (with a hard ass wood naturally) to late night.   
I am resisting like crazy trying to stay active in other areas.. searching for business ideas etc.  But today the pressure is like a effing boiler about to explode!.. I have to go to the gym today or all that energy will burst and make the earth shake on a richter scale 10.  That is my plan for today - focus all that energy elsewhere > lift heavy weights!! because it's like really really bad today.

To give a better description, I am so horny that if I held a girls hand right now I would probably ejaculate lol.. it's that bad. I mean, It is probably a good thing =) ..  I wish I could give all of that energy to a girl.. but yea, one step a time - i'll get there.  But fuuck this pmo-free stuff is really working for me in regards to having the machine work better (not that i ever had that issue).
I am not having a depressive day today thats for sure.. probably because 90% of my blood and oxygen has relocated to the lower compartment lol.

ok ill stop. I have to do push-ups right now.. holy shit the pressure is crazy. see u all

counter : may 28 / day 37
come on 40! I got you!!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 27, 2019, 06:56:51 AM »
Slept for +15h and had vivid sexual dreams. Wood felt like it being hard for +2h while in bed lol.
At the time I woke up, my member was still up like someone had attached a bone to my body.....
 I feel sorry for the next girl I will be having sex with... My member will be up non stop haha.

Haven't had these kind of vivid dreams until now.. very interesting, like being 13 again.

BUT.. One thing I am suffering massivly from.. and I can't really say if its due to this journey or my ADD.
It's the brainfog and being confused about everything. I feel like it started around 10-14 days ago. Totally confused all the time,
thoughts everywhere, cant take action properly, cant make proper decisions etc. It's all a mess as things are now. Not knowing what
I want to do in my life etc. That part really troubles me.

Taking one day a time, so far im doing good with this pmo free life.

Just need to fix my real life, like..  job/business wise (my biggest worry), social life (seeing people), hobbies (no hobbies atm), women (get some punani as I haven't gotten any for like 2-3 years , because I burried myself in a startup business.).

I use to get a lot of women, either with dating sites or meeting them whilst traveling.. the last couple of years have been worries of how to make money, and it's been killing me, lost so much to the point I dont know what to do know. Get a job?.. that was what I was trying to avoid.. but, if things just aren't working... then what?!.. man.  My head is everywhere about this matter. I need to fix this. Get something going.

PS: If anyone have had these brain-fog days/weeks, I would really appreciate a reply how it affected them. For me it's like im going in circles mentally, but cant do anything physically.
One second I want to go to the gym, then I end up doing something else and stay home. Mind is everywhere and it makes me really sad and I feel so low about it. Some days I even catch myself
saying im a loser etc. makes me feel low about myself.

counter : may 27 / day 36

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 26, 2019, 07:33:47 AM »
nothing new, just a small update to keep myself accountable.

I am grateful that I acknowledge this as a slow and steady process (and in no way an easy one)... it will eventually be worthwhile.
I am grateful that I take it one day a time.
I am grateful that I am observant of my thoughts, feelings and actions as soon as triggers pop up.

Come to terms with that there are triggers everywhere.. they are totally unavoidable.. it's just how the world is mixed together now a days. More and more sexual commercials, women getting more and more screwed up looking for attention on media etc. I mean you can barely watch a youtube talent show without getting ** stuck into you'r face after 10 minuttes of watching.
This is just how it is... I cannot control that.

What I can do, is to my best ability to ;
1. acknowledge I am seeing something that excites me.
2. see it for what it is (something that is on a screen and not real)
3. appreciate it and let it go. simply step away or manage the lust by focusing else where.

Simply learning to control my self when triggers arise. If I'd want 0 triggers I would be have to live under a rock.. that is not going to happen. Better to learn how to self-control thoughts feelings and actions of one self. If any lust grows by continued watching, then my rule is to click away.. there is no benefit of hurting one self like that, proceed to watch something that teases you and could eventually fall into the trap.

This is what I am trying to regulate within myself, observe trigger, appreciate it's beauty, acknowledge it is not real, seeing it has no benefit for me right now, let it go.

was only suppose to journal this post by with an update of my counter.. I always end up writing more stuff. oh well.. If just one line could help just one person out there, then i will keep writing.
This is no easy journey.. should I make it, it would be great for everyone to see my complete diary with all my thought and tactics.

come to think of it, what is it to Make it?.. To achieve success with this.  The odds of falling back and relapsing are high..  I think I have to define what success is for me, otherwise it will be tough in hard time. I think for me it is to never let my guards down, and continually manage my thoughts and emotions on a day-by-day basis. I think addicts (of any sort) needs to fight daily and be vigilant towards any form of triggers and have a plan that replaces the usual addictive actions that follows. For me now,  I am coping by acknowledging as soon as I see a beautiful woman, and step away from it (the process I mentioned above). I have proved to myself that i've been diciplined and strong enough to follow this for 30some days. But what will happen on the days I am really high/low?.. What if my guards come down?.. not sure for now. I just down want to mess this streak up, so a lot of random thoughts come out here.

I know i'll be writing about pain at some point. will keep that for another post.. but think P was my escape to avoid the painful times of loneliness.. using it to relief my worries about my future.. thoughts of 'am I good enough to have a girlfriend that loves me'... feelings of low self-worth drowned by pixels,, that lead to even lower self destructive thoughts, doubt and lower self worth.
What a Vicious cycle....  What a sad way to treat one self.. Painful to think back how much stuff have hurt me.... but now, finally, I am breaking free from it. need to get over this period of flatline, so I can get back on track and build up confindence to live life again. For now, everything feels like being in a rut.. Its part of the journey I know.

ok i'll stop now.. see you all in 5 days for that magical 40 number.  I got this!

counter : may 26 / day 35

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 25, 2019, 07:38:26 AM »
Proud of myself for not falling into the traps yesterday. It was a hard time, but I fought through...
fought through the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, loneliness, despair and a total confusing time in my life.

and for that, this post must include a I Have the Powerrr heman moment. I overcame strong urges. Important step for me.

I am thankful and I feel blessed being able to withstand.. despite going through hard times.
... for I know... after rain, comes sun. I believe in myself. I got this

going for day 40 now! lets do this!!!

counter : may 25 / day 34

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: May 25, 2019, 07:21:24 AM »
Good you are being honest, there is no shame in what you did, it was just a stepping stone. This is part of the journey, so don't be too hard on yourself. Find out what it was that triggered it from the beginning, what did you do / feel / what did you do next etc. Think deeply about it, (without judging!) then for next time do something else instead. 
Be strong and start again from today. Start small.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: May 24, 2019, 05:19:27 PM »
Great job with day 4!! We all start from some where, and you are off with a good start being here and journaling. Pete mentioned contingency plan which I find is a good thing to have thought about.
Something like “I will do x when I get aroused”... just the action of sitting and thinking about it will plant seeds and increase your odds of doing it.

Let me give you an example.. after 32 days pmo free or so, today was the most challenging day for me. However I ended my journal of by writing ‘ill meditate now and shower’. Immediately I shut my computer down and did exactly that. I know for a fact I have written this plan down some time ago.. a plan to do xyz if I get urges/stress etc. Even if I had urges, and my body wanted the relief,, it led me to a another path of relief.. meditation. It helped. Still a tough day but I overcame that peak moment where normally I would with 100% pmo.

Try to think some strategys in what you could do instead.. something that distracts you. Pushups, squats, meditation, gaming, running, jumping jacks, standing upside down hehe I dunno what you like.. think outside the box.. something where your entire body knows this set rule.

Fx; IF at ANY point, I feel my companion try to get aroused : I will drop everything in my hands and do [action] right away.     Say you had a rule to do 30 pushups, x 5 times no matter what..  and you absolutely had to do them all before doing any other activity. That would make you more fit after a month and distract yiu from all that nonsense pixel stuff. At least for an hour or so.. if you feel urges again, you know what to do (again) and with enough soreness in your chest and arms,, your friend will forfet everything about making you horny again for that day... because he knows what you will do if he dares to wake up again.  But the rule is You MUST do the actuon every time.. no cheating.. he will find out when you do or when you skip.. and that one time where you are caught not following the rule, the action could go somewhere else (tension/relief of tension =pmo).

Im just thinking out loud here and writing what worked for me today. I meditated because I felt urges ans stress. I will implement it as a rule and see how it works. All the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: May 24, 2019, 05:00:38 PM »
Day 14 Great achievement! Keep it up. I believe in you.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 24, 2019, 09:36:07 AM »
Quick update.
Today, right now,, feeling it massively and being challenged as hell. The urges,, everything in my body is trying to get the to the point to Touch myself so I can stress off. . The only way I use to do it was with pmo. But I am a lot wiser and smarter now,, still.. signals of my body and what remembers lies deep and body is really strong. Its a fight of mind vs body right now.. and I feel I am in the middle of the fight.. being tossed back and forth between feelings and rational thinking.

I have not have this kind of urges to this degree to this date. Its hard not takng the easy way out (pmo). Releasing and giving in is so easy and so luring. But I have decided I am sticking to it, so I am.. My mind is just troubled with a lot of stress lately, and my body is trying to tell me to relax.
But releasing (that is what I name it,, giving into pmo and ejaculating).. wont solve any of my issues.. I know I would put shame on myself after and that would worsen my situation.

I am sticking in there, pmo is no option. Despite this being my absolute hardest day, i wont give in. I got this..   I will take a shower now and do something to get out the apartment.. take a walk some where. I hope this fight will stop today, its crazy.. dont want to be a part of this.

“Stick it out... u got this” is my note to self, while sitting here crying why things has to be like this. I dont get it.. didnt think i would get to this point and feel like this. I acknowledge that the struggle is a part if it.

“Go through the pain”.. ok, gotten a bit off my chest now, im glad. Distracted me for a bit there..
plan for now : meditate, shower, getout.

counter : may 24 / day 33

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 09:34:05 AM »
My problem for the moment is, these women writing me.. and as in they being hot as hell.
(my looks are good and I've never had issues getting women.. especially not via online)

so, I get responses for the ones I like for the most,, and they are rather receptive.
now here is the thing.. if they respond with something that can get my imagination going... just a little thing as ;

"Hello,Let's get  acquainted!, maybe we are a match, who knows?"
or getting a whatsapp number to practice language with her.

ouff man.. my member goes bananas.. I have a really hard time not being horny. It has nothing to do with watching P.
well, it's like I have even more hornyness than for a month ago. So my challenge is trying to calm down my feelings.
and try not to think so much in sexuality when I speak with these women..  I will give it my best. Dont want to fall into the trap of a quick release just because of future imaginations which has incredibly low odds of happening (meeting them and having sex with them).. I mean, it could happen but would require too much effort as things being.. travelling abourd etc.

focus = practice language. thats it!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 09:26:53 AM »

Had the funniest experience when I woke up. My member was rock solid, and it had it's own agenda. = "Get as horny as possible so he does something about it"

But then I (for the first time) took it and said "hey buddy,, this is exactly the problem!!..
you getting horney and wanting to release it. I see you, and its time for you to go down. I am not having this!.. calm it down!"

Basically talking him down and not being so reactive haha.. I have never done that,, like', spoken to him lol..  I rememeber laughing about it when I was up. crazy stuff right there :)

It's just to show I am becoming more aware. I like that!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 22, 2019, 06:38:19 AM »
Thanks Pete)

I have decided to begin the language i've always wanted to learn. So recently started a audio coarse and listening to it on my way to gym every day.. aprox 1h per day. I am totally getting it and getting better at it. I have also found a site where you can look up people to practice with. Problem is, I naturally seek out the ones that are beautiful.. not sure if its a problem, but just feel I get horny by seeing their images. hmm.. I will restrain myself and keep it no zero flirting and strictly language learning. I have decided to learn the language, so here goes! ... I feel i am becoming more and more diciplined which I am super grateful for.. like really really grateful. Not sure if its the restraining of pmo which gives me more testostoron or something. I mean,, I have crazy amounts of testostoron already... I wish I could give some of it to guys here with PIED because my hornyness is over the top haha..

The thing is, I am VERY aware the instant I get horny and diciplined to acknowledge it, and kind of .. 'talk to it'.. talk to my hornyness to talk it down so it wont escalate to doing anything that is not good for me. It usually started out with touching/stroking myself just a little bit.. which led to full pmo. I am not going there.. why? because I am really starting to feel the good effects this stuff gives me, most of all.. the dicipline to stick in there with something.

The pressure down there is for real, everything in my body is screaming "releaase the pressure"..  its like small gremlins screaming 'do it.. just do it' and trying to lure my body to get more and more horny so I can realease the pressure.. fuck, they are doin it good - but im not giving in. I know this is a part of the journey.. i know it's their job to make me wanting to relapse.

counter : may 22 / day 31

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