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Topics - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: May 15, 2019, 07:29:21 PM »
Late 30s single and been dealing with P for a hell of a long time.. and its been robbing me for my self-worth.

as I started getting a computer since 13yo, my first search phrase was 'sex' in IRC forums and would happily wait +30min on a 14.4kb/s dialup modem, waiting for a picture of a women to show.
well, its easy to say things on the internet has changed since. P was somehow always around the corner, it got easier and easier to get a hold of. Going from magazines to torrents, high speed and yea.. you know the drill. I always had to have the release.. the quick fix. Little did I know that most of my anxieties and self doubt started because of this self medication. It was a way of comforting myself and showing myself love (i must have felt that) where I didn't feel I got it from the right places (my parents for example). So I just had to numb myself with these images to feel good.

As I got older I got into dating sites. I would say most of my sexual encounters are from the internet. I had a way with words online at that time, and ive probably been with +50women or so. Not that it is a thing to be proud of.. but I do have experience with women. Well, that was the days. Things are different today, but that is a story for another time.

I never had any PIED, my issues are with loneliness, feelings of not being good enough, worthy of love etc. and hence resolving to p to ease my mind. Which cascades into social anxiety and becoming somewhat a passive person, hesitating on a lot of things in life due to accumulated low self worth. I combated that with becoming great at things, mostly masculine things such as martial arts.

I am starting this journal so I can keep track of my progress. I started 29/4 so I am totally PMO free 24 days by now. I am not setting any goals for now.

Reading others journals kind of scares me, how the relapse can get a hold of people and creep back in. I have tried pmo free for months, but then life happened and I got stressed and fell back into it.. so I know how dangerous the cycle is. 

But from now on I have decided to be better myself. I have decided to respect myself. Why would I serve myself with thrash? Do I see myself as thrash? No! .. I am a worthy person that is worthy of love, compassion and someone that loves me for who I am. Even if it's hard to believe, I know it's the truth. But in order for the truth to come to fruition, I have to act correspondently. I have to walk the walk!

What does that mean for me?

1. I am hereby deciding not to view anything that triggers me, and lure me into the rabbit hole of endless 'just a little peek'
2. I am hereby deciding, that when a trigger comes (it will come) I will observe the feeling of desire, the feeling of an undisciplined mind, and I will chose to meditate instead.
3. I am hereby deciding to update here on a weekly basis at least until 01/2020. even if its just a counter update. I need to hold myself accountable.

I started my journey 24 days ago (29 april 2019), and im to this day fully PMO free. I look forward to continue this disciplined act with 1 small step every single day.
Know there will be times where triggers come, and I vizualise myself being steadfast, and removing myself from the situation instantly. I am not a religous person but am really praying to god that I can have the strenght to overcome the urges when the expected triggers come. So far I have been doing amazing and I am proud of myself... so now its just a matter of trucking ahead ever so slowly. There is no rush.. just 1% better every single day.

and to address my subject title. 'go through the pain'. I believe this is a must for all of us. Feeling the pain of withdrawal, the pain of wanting, the pain of cravings.. really feel it, and sit through it. I know easier said than done. But my belief is we will become stronger the day after, if we can just sit through the pain in that moment and not succumb to the desires. I look forward to see if I can do it. I have really had zero cravings so far.. I think reading blogs of others have affected me so much that is has sincerely scared the shit out of me. I have cried reading other peoples blogs, how this thing have destroyed their lifes... and then I got flashbacks of places I had to have the 'fix' and feel ashamed of how I could let it go on my entire life. Well, I do forgive myself and now i am only looking ahead.. but maan, I dont want to read myself in 5 years here again about me relapsing over and over again and my life is going to the drains. No fucking way!..  no fucking way.. I am not here to TRY.. I am here to fucking eradicate this bs fake pixel crap out of my life once and for all.

Last time I had a long streak (+5 months I believe it was), I messed it up by rationalising one day, that it was okey to view girls twerking on yt.. then it went on from there and fell back into it.
Not making that mistake again. Also I remember starting edging, playing with myself with a bathmate etc. also a wrong choice. I learned and im wiser now. No temptations what so ever. I am here to go through the pain this time. if any triggers come ; I shut it down!..... I got this for good this time!!

final note. why did I attach the image of BL?
Look at his eyes.. what are they saying? "dont fucking mess with me"..
Look at his character.. "im not the one to be messed around with".
Look at his tightened jaw "I might look calm, but expect fire upon you"

... he is certain in himself. He glows a calm demeanour, yet power within. He has confidence that he can kill anything on his path that tests him. He is not bullshitting, his eyes says it all. "I will take you down with every inch of fiber in my body". ..... This is how I feel now.. that feeling, where I am certain I can give this up for good. Please god give me the strength.

Thank you for reading.

Ages 30-39 / Beginning of a powerfull strong life!
« on: December 28, 2014, 09:07:38 PM »
Hi guys,
34yo. working with IT, so I am in front of the pc many hours a day.

After been peeping here a couple of times, wishing to quit.. but never did I create that profile. I just ended up doing the same ol'..
jumped in to the endless scrolling, looking for that 'perfect scene' or perfect girl to watch.

wow.. if i had spent just 1% of those hours, approaching real life girls out in the city.. I wouldn't have this lonely life!
I kept leaning to the oh so comfortable, quick release... and always ends up regretting that decision. every single time.

-- But NOT anymore!.. I've had it! --
Its a weak behavior..  Letting in to my screen-desires.. The quick fix.  I have decided that its done!.. No more!..

for 2015 and beyond.. No more PMO to fake-ass porn.. Its not real. I feel so weak and "used" after releasing the tension.
Its so not worth it.. throwing your manly-energy down the drain.
I want to use that energy and going out.. making mistakes with women, and eventually get some dates instead.

ps. i have had +30/40 partners so far.. but the last 3-4 years its been really low.. mostly 2-3 girls.
so I really want to go out and get social.

I have a feeling that the last years, have not helped me with PMO'ing.. Ive become more anti-social and not going that much out. I think its because of the 'quick-fix' and not caring afterwards .. not having the lust for women. Just made me go straight home from work, and do nothing..

Deep inside, I really want a women to be with, smell her, caress her and all of that. Just like the good old times. 
I know I have it in me!..  I just have to quit porn 100% so that wont interfear any more.

I have not PMO'd for 14 days now and whenever I see women on the net, I switch my mind and quickly say "No.. its not worth it.. dont keep watching any of it".. then I go away from the facebook or whatever it is.
I have not even been into a porn site or anything. .. for that, i am kind of proud of my selfe =) ..

I have seen how bad this addiction can damage... I lost my relationship with my fiancee because i'd rather want to watch porn, instead of having sex with her. I was obsessed with skinny blondes,, and she was not skinny and barbie looking..  (she was initially).. but it just chrashed from there.

anyways..  I dont know what more to write. I was kind of anxious to introduce myselfe. Dont know why.. I guess it was because i didnt know where to start with all of this.  I just know that PMO is not good for me.. not good for my brain.

I do feel some changes after the 14 days btw!.. Its hard every morning I wake up. I look much more sensually in womens eyes when out shopping.. They look back =)... Ive begun working out more..  so so far, its going really good actually.

I have been out gaming a bit as well. Not that much results though (mostly because I was shocked of how many women, actually likes me!).. so I bailed out before proceeding hehe. But its just stepping stones. I'll get better.. Just gotta keep at it.

alright, its 3am guys..  I hope to come back soon and keep you updated. It would actually be cool to get a quick hello back here.
That would help me even more in my journey to my life of *no more pmo + more women in my life* :D

over and out guys - thanks for reading this

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