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Messages - zazen

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: November 17, 2019, 03:44:40 PM »
month 7.

things are going well with me and M, and our connection is getting stronger.. we are almost 3 months in our relationship, and everything is loving and well.
We are planning to take a trip together soon.

still have the occasional peek-moments.. then I break out of it. But its the same pattern. I feel lust (mostly after been together with M and had sex).. and since we live apart and I can just go to her place and have sex with her,,, then I feel lustful being alone.. what to do about it.. peek a bit, just to get aroused.. until my senses kick in and I realise it will sabotage everything.. Thankfully I have not been to any point of masturbating, so i'll continue the streak - but these occasional peeks still annoy me. I am 7 months in, and this month i've peeked like 3-4 times and that is a no-go for me. I dont feel proud of that. Sure I cant take away that I haven't MO to anything of that sort for 7 months, but still.. I would like to take it a step further.

another thing I can see is the occasional peek at instagram. I tend to click on beautiful women and wish for a more beautiful girl. This thought can sabotage my relationship to M for sure!.. That desire to have a 'prettier one'..  Like I need to showcase how pretty of a woman I have,, instead of sticking to all of the original qualities of M which I fell for.. she is amazing as a person, so loving and kind and very beautiful as well. and we have a great time together.. I have never laughed with a girl like that.. she is so funny.  So what is this stupid desire of wanting that instagram model-like barbie thing.... I feel sad that I have felt the need to look at these things, just because me and M only see each other once a week. I know I have a lot of passion and sexual drive, and M is all up for it - but we just dont have enough of it.. and then im left there alone.

I dont know.... Im sticking in there. I might delete my instagram. no actually, I am doing it right now.. fuck it.
...its done. I deleted instagram permanently. "M" is more valuable to me than planting a single seed of a 'prettier one out there' .. pipe dreams as Pete says.

Now I just need to find a solution to the occasional urges. Its not often they come,, and I close it rather quickly - but the habit is kinda still there.
I do keep busy with a lot of gym on a daily and I've started sending out job-applications - hopefully im landing a nice job soon as well.

so yea.. things are slowly progressing.. I could be more proud, but I am not taking away anything. I have attracted love in my life and she genuinely cares for me so I'm happy about that. Next up is landing a nice job - and see what I can do when the urges come.

I will pray after this post, that I can become even stronger and take the next step. I need this for me, and the relationship with M. I dont want to be lonely in my life. I need love and affection from a caring and loving woman, and M is all that - and I dont want to fuck it up.



Pmo-free   .      Nov 23   .      Day 217 (7 months in yahh)

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: October 22, 2019, 05:30:30 PM »
keepin the streak going.. not seeing M before sunday, as she had planned going a weekend holiday with a girl friend of hers.
... thing is, today has been quite active with suggestions after getting home and all tired.

The suggestions are like a whispering voice,, not quite there - but there..like a shadow telling you kindly to do something which is forbidden...  I guess the reader knows what im talking about here.

I came here to write instead of taking action of something id regret. i promised myself not to take action on anything at all.....

The suggestions came after seeing a news-website,, and a p-star was mentioned.. I clicked the news, and then I started hearing the voices "hey..go on.. you can just search for her name" I could feel my body getting aroused - but I shut it down.  Then after half an hour or so, it started again "psst.. search for the titlex*" ....  and my body starting getting aroused again, just by the thought/whisper - of me searching for some x-rated stuff. other suggestions came up... "hey, its just to watch it for a bit... you could learn so much,  new sexual positions which you can do with M"....   as if i've never watched P in my life before or had sex *eyeroll right now heh^*

Nahh..  I didn't go there...... I hurried up in here, and to write an update, and im going to bed in 5min from now. Not having any of that stuff, just because my body feels tired. I am not going to sabotage any of my process or introduce any fakery stuff, which eventually will destroy the natural sexual thing i've built up with M. Not having any of that.

but I do feel a strong need for sexual stimulation, or.. just having sex with M. I am just going to stick it out till sunday.
Our sexual is really good.. we both love it, and it couldnt be better. So I reaaally look forward to seeing her again.

- thankful -
I am thankful for not taking action despite feeling the arousal, feeling how much the suggestions wishes me to chase that 'forbidden fruit'. I am thankful I rerouted here, as an auto-pilot when alarms are going off, where I can spill my inner thoughts, instead of doing something id regret later. I am thankful for you, taking the time to read this post. I wish you the best in your journey.


over and out.. hittin the bed
all the best


Pmo-free   .      October 23   .      Day 187
come here 17th november - I got you.. i will be 7month pmo-free!! nothing can stop me

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: October 14, 2019, 05:46:04 AM »
starting this post with tears in my eyes... why?,, because I went back and read my old post. that I set a goal of not watching a single second of any stimulation until day 180... that is in 3 days... and I haven't watched a single second of ANY stimulation. Nothing at all. It makes me believe in myself.. that I can actually do it and overcome .. this.  Makes me stop right now, and just process it while tears are running down. shit.. a lot to take in.  deep breath in and lets move on.

love
M. So, as I mentioned I met that girl.. and we have been meeting up more and more.. Our connection is absolutely amazing together, nothing like i've ever met before. Maybe it's because she is from my original country as well.. but there is something really deep between us. We can laugh about anything and everything when we are together, we have amazing sex and she is all that I really want in a woman. So she makes me happy right now, and I know she is very happy for me as well. I feel loved. I am so thankful for experiencing this. This is what I wished for.  I always had a inner belief that I wasn't 'enough' to receive love.. maybe because of some childhood stuff. Well,....... fuck that.. I've given myself permission to give my love and receive love. Is it being vulnerable, hell yea.. but there is no one else I'd like to be vulnereable than with M. So love is going on the right track and I am so happy.. so happy about that. I treat her well and there is nothing more i'd like than to care for her.. and she recieves all my love with affection and thankfulness.. I can truly feel that she is really happy as well. We are still early in the process, and everything could happen - but for now, we are just enjoying each other and taking it slowly (even if everything seems like its going fast due to deep love connection).. we'll see where it goes =)

career
I am in the process of sticking my head out.. created linkedin again and taking online coarses and about to send job applications from next week. Seeing a former CEO and now a business coach, which is helping me incredibly much.. I am so grateful for have met him. I dont feel that much isolated any longer,, I am taking actionable steps towards getting job interviews, as this is what I want. I want to get back to a stable workplace with good people around me. It is coming to me,, I feel it.

pmo
as I mentioned. Not one single second of nothing.. not even being caught in the loop of seeing a hot woman and spending time watching her / others etc... no ,, if I saw a woman, I thought  'she is beautiful'.. but I didn't go after it. I chose not to spend my time on it. My afterthought was 'why should I be clicking onto this?.. will it serve me a purpose?.. will it make me have a connection with her?... do I want a connection with her?.. Do I want to actually do anything that would sabotage my relationship with M'?   .... In a splitsecond I answered all of those questions with a clear 'NO' and that made me not spend a single second of that. I have reached my goal. It is becoming clear to me, that becoming pmo-free / artificual stimulation-free  IS POSSIBLE.  I know I know, not taking this as 'im cured' or anything hehee... I am well aware the powers of the pixels, so I will forever stay vigilant. It's more likely that staying away from all of this is easier when life seems on a blue cloud. But what about when things are bad, then what - then, I will have tactics and procedures to follow.. I have a if-this-then plan. I feel confident in myself that I can do it.  And the crazy part is I actually had 5 months of hard-mode... and I did it because I told myself "I want to save it, until I have sex with a great girl" and that is exactly what I did...  She was very understanding because my initial times of intercoarse was quite,,ehmm,, shortly lived=) but after some times, we are just getting better at it.. and it is because I am being very communicative with her.. "what is it you like,, how do you feel when I do this.. do you like it when I do xyz".. this i feel is really important to establish a healthy and deep sexual relationship.  So I feel my sexual drive is becoming much more healthy, natural..  I am actually enjoying, desiring and hungry for her,, a real life woman in her 30s that had kids already - she is truly amazing and wouldnt want to switch her out with any of the "dolls" I use to fantasize about.

Thank you once again Pete for your insightful choice of words. It seems we are alike in many ways, I definetly think contemplate about the things in our lifes. I read your reply once a while and think through it.. it puts things into perspective. Today I especially focused on what you wrote here ;
"action speaks louder than words. I'm treating my partner really well and I think, she feels like we are together, so why would I need to speak the words "we are a couple" when I'm already walking the talk? "   ... This is exactly how I feel it as well, so I'll continue to let my actions speak and enjoy our time together.

and thank you thank you for reminding me about the P. you have no idea how much it helped, really ... I actually took the definite decision that very day I read your post .. to not watch a single second. I always wanted to do it, but your words sealed it and fired me up to take action. thank you!

Thank you for telling me its ok to have feeling. It hits hard.. I am a very masculine man on the outside but a lot of emotions are inside. So I feel truly grateful to have this platform to share all my thoughts and feelings,, and getting feedback on it is just amazing. You have a way with words that are really encouraging and are mind-shifting. Thank you for taking the time to reply, as I am learning a lot.  I have definetly done what you mentioned  "focus on good things that can be achieved and won instead of chasing after pipe dreams. " ,.... put my time on M, deleted all other women and pipe-dream stuff.. and honed in on making a better and stable structure in my life. Small steps towards the goal.

keeping the ball rollin!.. thanks



Goal

oh shit.. its 180 days already?.. holy crap that is 6 months!... imagine if I could go 7 months, 8... 9 .. 12?!..  can feel something squeeze around my heart while writing this and my stomache turn upside down. Not sure why...  maybe because I'm scared of letting go of something that was soo deeply ingrained in me. But I am here now aren't I?.. I've gone 6 month already goddammit.. so what the hell should stop me from going 1 year?!!..  so fuck it - i'm going to make a bold plan BUT with small steps towards my plan .......    funny how I didnt use the word goal now,,    there is no end-goal in this..... I should be using the word 'PLAN' from now on and not goal :D ..   ... so lets go! :

PLAN :
1. I chose to be completely pmo-free.. not watch a single second of anything from this very date > 17 November.  = 7 months in.
2. I chose to let go of hard-mode and if I feel like masturbation, that is ok (but only in the shower and with no stimulation at all.. and only with M in mind).
3. I will focus in on M and make a long-lasting relationship between us (cant remember when I even had that before.)  no more sex-flings for me.

The overall plan is to continue this process of not watching anything at all - I believe I can become totally free of stimulation going into year 2020.


grateful :

I am so grateful and happy that I am becoming more and more observant of my impulsive thoughts and the way I feel my body,, when it gets aroused, when it just becomes super radiant and want to pursue that something.. I am thankful that I can talk with kindness and compassion to myself and guide myself into a path, that is more beneficiary to me in the long run. I hope and keep the faith that I'll be able to continue this. Today I will pray and ask for strength to continue this path.





Pmo-free   .      October 14   .      Day 177

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: September 22, 2019, 01:53:31 PM »
hey OrangeSpider
Not giving up on you maan :) let us know how if you are doing good.
even if you relapsed, doesnt matter - the bus goes every day , you can start over ... but im sure you are secretly killing it and sticking to the program!..

all the best

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: September 22, 2019, 01:50:25 PM »
Hi MindOverModem.
Just wanted to follow up and see if all is well with you.
write whatever, whenever you feel like.

all the best,

6
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 22, 2019, 01:39:51 PM »
Lero thank you for sharing your honesty and being real.

I just wanted to write I my full compassion and understanding how hard this journey can be.
You have my full support still despite anything. We all have your back.

Take your time and you'll get back.
No words of advice or anything from here - not appropriate at this point. I am sure you will come with an analysis yourself at some point. 

you'll be back brother. dont sweat it. you know what went wrong and you can improve that for next time. 

7
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 22, 2019, 04:35:47 AM »
Lero, congrats on day 7.. that is awesome!
yea i've been there several times with the P hijacking dream thing and scared that I broke my stride.. just to realize it was a dream.
In my perspective, it is a good thing this is happening. See it as a test from something subconscious that is trying to hold on,, but in fact, you are in control now and taken over.
I dont have those dreams any longer,, they will fade eventually.     keep it up :)

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: September 22, 2019, 04:32:18 AM »

Read this from Pete Mcvries on another post :
 
Quote
I have two suggestions: Since you are dealing with a lot of adversity, maybe it would be helpful for you to add to your form of journaling a short passage where you either note something positive that happened to you that day or something that you did good that day. Or both ;). You are focussing on a lot of negative things like urges, negative emotions, negative cognitive effects and pain. While I think, these things are noteworthy, perhaps it would be helpful to shift your focus to more positive things. And even though there seema to be a lot of darkness in your life, I'm sure there are some rays of light.

Which I found was just an excellent advice given from Pete. Focusing on the positive more. I think, i would like to do that more as well. Have the feeling there is little structure to my journaling (not that there should be any) but if just I could have some fixed things that reminded me something positive to say that would be really good. So for me, i would like to share what I am thankful for. I believe gratitude can get a person very far and i would like to implement that more into my life.

so decided to add this to my journaling .:   "Today I am thankful for:"   then a short sentance about that.
Will start with that. nothing fancy.. just a reminder to write something positive and what im thankful for. 




Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155

Today I'm thankful for : I am thankful for this community, to read others story and what everyone go through, all the struggles and how people cope and find a way ... thankful for all the people that contribute as I learn so much on so many levels. Thankful for every person reading and helping me, helping others here and being helpful in their own way. so.. I really appreciate being here.  and a thank you to Pete Mcvries for being there from beginning, for your inspiration, kindness and helpful comments.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« on: September 22, 2019, 04:24:23 AM »
Hi Lero,
I can see you have lately been through some ups and downs, which also brought you a lot of self-knowledge and a deeper awareness about you and how the puzzle of triggers works. You'r words are inspiring and Im 100% sure you will eventually come across the other side. You are determined and can tell you want this.. stick in there brother we are all rooting for you and believe in you. And about the relapses,, hmm... I just wanted to share this with you :

Quote
Sorry for the relapse, man.

When you relapse, you don't fail, you find another thing that didn't work. A relapse is an invitation to analyze the situation, see what went wrong, what mistake you made, what you were thinking before the relapse, what environment, circumstances etc. led to your relapse and so on. If you feel down after a relapse, it's normal. It sucks but, at the end of the day, people feel down from time to time. But don't allow yourself to go lower than that because you reach misery and a mind in that state is a great environment for the addiction to keep complete control over you. One day things will eventually click.

those are your own words  :) ... those words affected me back in august when read it. you are filled with a lot of gold and wisdom... now lets get the action part and emotional control along side of all that knowledge you posses :) .. as I think you are more than capable of getting rid of this shit for good. Sometimes people just need a little push or words of encouragement. You know what triggers you and you know they begin way before taking action right... so my question is.. is there anything you can think of, which could interrupt when the thoughts come up?... 

I remember that I started meditation in the beginning of my journey when I realized voices telling me to watch a bit of xyz...   I have improved a lot since my journey, but its still a daily struggle. And my present way of coping is praying.. just clapping my hands together, closing my eyes and pray... I am not religious at all .. but hey, if this can distract me, then all good.

and wanted to appreciate your last post about the pain and going through it. This is how my story started.. facing the pain. Im still doing it and fighting each day. going from daily pmo to where I am now is huge...  and you sir, can do just that as well. you are insightful and know how to beat this...  now lets go beat it for good. you have it in you. 

oh and another thing that helped me was writing mini-goals - like "I look forward to day 10,, day 20,, day 30 etc". Not sure if would work for you, but you can try it out to see if it works or not.
and a final response to what you wrote :  "But I don't want to let people down that's why I will get back to the good road."...   this way of thinking pushed me a lot in the begining.. not to dissapoint people here. But I want to let you know, that no matter where you are in your journey, no matter what you do, relapse or not .. you are not dissapointing anyone, no matter what happens. We are here to support as we believe in you, I believe in you.

I and i'm sure all people here just want you to succeed and thats it. Lets put all thoughts of disappointments and what not aside and focus on what is going to happen... that you'll eventually find you'r way and kick this shit for good - this is going to happen.. so,, make it happen =) you got this. 

If its okey, i'd like to invite you to set a goal for 10 days and fully focus on it. update that counter daily and thats all. I know we are all different, but i'd like you to forget about that previous 40-day streak and focus on now.. I'd like to push you a lil bit.
and try to stay observant of your chain, and have a go-to plan which you can execute immidietly. (my suggestion was praying but yours could be cold water or pushups or whatever).. something you can do right there and then to get out of it.

try to ignore my way of writing in a motivative way lol,,  none of this motivation works when triggers come, and one is all alone and lonely etc. You need to face the pain head on and have a contingency plan (what to do if xyz happens)
you got this!!

all the best -

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: September 21, 2019, 10:38:20 PM »
Been thinking deeply about this... from today and onwards to day 180. I decide not to watch a second of pron or anything that might trigger me.  I believe I am able to do this.
Want to break that reactive and impulsive compulsion I get 1-2 times per month, where I rationalize it with "will watch for 10min max just to get aroused"....... its enough.. tired of it. 

If I can go hard-mode (meaning no ejaculating) for 155 days I sure as #"¤ can break that stupid addiction of lemme just watching a liiil bit.
I really want to continue my healing and step it up a notch.. I desire to establish a healthy relationship with M. She motivates me to take this even more seriously and quit playing around with this shit.


so here is my next goal. : not watch any form of pron / or anything that can trigger me / arouse me from this very day until day 180.
I will follow up on this goal on day 180. It will be on the 17th of October. I've made a calender schedule to remind me of this.


disaster plan : What will I do IF i get aroused and feel the need to watch something to get aroused on (stimulate myself).
solution : ... tbh i dont know if there is any solution here,, but I will try with this for now; pray.  Just try to pray .. I am not religious, but if this or any higher power can distract me from my urges - then so be it.  im desperate. ill do anything from now on. no more playing around

I am tired of being lured by the grip of fake stimulation,, even if it is so little.. still, its like it lures me in once a while and I hate that. I've made such a big improvement compared to all my past failed reboot attempts.. I am sticking to it this time - but these small incidents of 'just a lil bit of peeking' annoys the "#¤ out of me. I want it out of my life completely .. stop coming back ffs. I know im stronger than this.    Hell,, If I could say no to having intercourse with M that night,, that is beast-mode self-control.... so surely I would have the self-control to stop peeking for good. Crossing fingers.


Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155
goal until day 180 > not one second of fake stimulation - nothing.

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: September 21, 2019, 06:41:07 PM »


had some troubling times today...  after meeting M we've been writing more often how much we miss each other and feel a mutual love and connection. 
.... Thing is,, I was still swiping on tinder,, and all the sudden I was matching with model girls,, which appearance really triggers me. I kept swiping etc..

but today,, man.... I was feeling sick in my stomache. Like I was doing something wrong. My body was telling me to get rid of tinder..  There was a reason M came into my life,, for me to become serious, have a healthy relationship with 1 woman.. 
and not keep swiping, searching and wishing for a better one.  M is amazing, and I was feeling guilty of having some sort of addiction, some pull, to swiping on tinder. ... all the sudden I started crying, scared of my emotions to M, scared of commitment ,, scared of being loved. ... I know M is capable of loving me. That is scary... but this is what I truly wanted.   One woman which desires me and just me, for who I am now. I felt that with M.

So... after a warm shower and some crying over I felt addiction to tinder-women + losing the 'old me'.. that part that always was a player,, a seeker,, that guy that always wanted a better looking hottie to smash... losing that identity. But I wanted that. I wanted real love in my life. This is what all of this journey has been for me...  and now the opportunity knocked on my door with M,, and I decided - .. I chose to do the right thing. Unmatched all the girls i've been writing/flirting back and forth with,, and wrote just one girl I could see was special and explained her:

"hey ... wanted to let you know before I delete this... you look very (/compliments on ). I wanted to reply you as I can tell you seem like a good person. Been seeing a person lately and starting to like her, so decided to not play on several girls and put my focus on her. So I wish you the very best in finding a man that is kind and loyal to you. All the Best."..
She was really nice and responded "thank you for your honesty. I wish you the best of luck in love.. "...   

I didnt have to explain anything to her..  we just matched and the only thing she wrote was "thank you for the match:)) " ... and I responded like that. maybe a bit overdo haha,, but I felt like I had to explain just somebody.,, and not just delete tinder. I needed some approval or some acknowledgement or something from a attractive and cute woman.  Really glad she responded the way she did and not just shit like "ohhkeyy".  Well dont know why I had to tell her. I just did.. and after writing her.. I deleted tinder.
...deleted all other dating websites. 

I have no other women I am putting my focus on other than M..   Is it a risk, yes.... well I mean I could always open those things up again - but as things are now,, I really like M,, and I think she likes me even more,, so I have a good feeling with her. That I can trust her heart.  So for once, I am not going to look for something better while having one in my hand.  Decided to show my love to her and open up to her.. and hopefully I will receive love from her as well.. 

So, had to get tinder and stuff out.. as soon as I deleted all those things, I felt a stone drop from my chest,,.. my conscious cleared and didn't feel bad rest of the day. I feel happy and excited to start a relationship.  cant even think im writing this.. I've been single for like 10 years,, but in all of these years it's just been girls for fun.. sex and lust here and there.   This time it feels different.   
No one knows where this will lead, if we even like each other in 3-4 months time. But I'm willing to give it a shot and open my heart to M.


So all in all, I am now feeling I'm starting to receive what I was wishing for,, when started this journey.    True love.   
ok heh, I know it's only 2nd date etc.. but Im really good at detecting bs, intention and integrity with people - and I feel a deep connection with M in a very short time. So yea.. I do feel loved with her.  Lets see where it goes.
I might get scared, I might push her away.. I might lose interest and start chase for another model-like girl.. etc etc... I do not hope I go down that path. Im so tired of fake women (... I really like this one. She is all I want and wouldn't want to change anything about her. I like her just as she is.


just had to get this off my chest. It was a huge step for me to delete all of that attention from girls online. But I did it.  Time for a change.  I hope she wont break my heart. I am scared of that.



Pmo-free   .      September 22   .      Day 155

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: September 20, 2019, 01:51:27 PM »
150 boom!.. did it!!... so, lots of things is happening lately.
I'll start it off by I met a really nice girl..  she, (calling her M) opened up a tinder account and we matched.. and it wasnt her thing after 3-4 days so she deleted it.. but got her # right before.

M is a scandinavian woman mixed with my ethnicity (middle eastern), actually same country as myself.. so we speak the same language. .. so I invited her out and went to her home city. We went to a restaurant and conversation was smooth, she was nice and we both had a mutual interest in each other. We went to a bar afterwards but just with non-alcoholic drinks.. chatted and said bye after that first date. all good.  We had a really fun time, and she was super sweet.. and fun mixing up english, scandinavian and our common language.  She is 5 years younger than me and has two kids... but she looked amazing and no one would have guessed she have had children.

so.. after the first date she wrote "I hope you will see me again".. , and that's where I truly felt .. wanted.  I really missed that, especially from a kind and heart warming person with genuine interest in me. I could tell from the beginning she was a feminine, warm and loving person and that is exactly what I wished for.  So our first date was sunday last week... and after we went apart, she wrote she wanted to come to my town and visit me.. I was kind of surprised about that, but yea,,, was totally up for it.

She came yesterday and I picked her up.. we had a walk in the city and went to a restaurant and had some pasta. Overall we just hit it off again and there was a common attraction. After we ate I took her closer to where I live, and showed her around.
We went to a cafe and got some drinks and went to my place afterwards.

Now here is the thing....  After some kissing and touching, she was like 'lets go to the bed'... now, this is our 2nd date.  And I already told myself that I would'nt want sex with her on the 2nd date... because last time I did that,  that "relationship" got toxic, I became uniterested in her etc. etc.... so I promised myself "No sex with her on 2nd date"....  ok.    we kissed etc and she asked to sleep there. I wanted her to be with me so of coarse I said yes. Then things just became more challening as she was way more attractive than I'd ever imagined.  Things became hot, but I kept pushing her away when I was too aroused... after an hour of playing like that, I had to tell her so she didnt think I was gay haha...

So told her my situation, that I liked her.. her personality and I believed things could be better for the long run - if we didnt do anything this night. ..   and I told her I havent done anything with myself for 6months,, nothing from down there has come out :)..
she was very impressed with my level of self-control and kept teasing me and telling me "are u gonna give up"... but I kept in there despite the hardship. Not sure why I told her I havent touched myself for 6months,, but I never mentioned porn or anything... just said it was something I had chosen, because I wanted to save it for sex with a special woman.. and I didnt want to fuck it up with her by doing the 'easy thing'...  All the girls I've slept with that quickly never turned out to be any good thing in my life.

long story short, we had an amazing night with affection, kissing each other and just holding each other through the night. maan i really missed that kind of lovin from ,,, not just a beautiful woman but just overall warm hearted and loving woman.
so yesterday was just amazing for me. I woke up early, went out and got us some breakfast.. and took her home afterwards.  We've been messaging today with how much we miss each other.

This is just what I really wanted. to be missed, needed and wanted from a person that has true intentions. She told me she was scared, as she liked me a lot.. but thing is I like her just as much and told her that.
I've been hurt too by other silly girls, but I am open to give love another chance.  and with a woman like her, loyal, beautiful, sweet, kind, funny and everything .. and serious in wanting to be with me.. and a person I feel I can trust.   yea I like that =) ... 
no games are being played, not from her side, nor mine..   cant even remember when i've had a relationship with genuine intentions.   makes me sad now, but bygones are bygones..  I guess am growing up more and more serious about a genuine loving relationship in my life.  .. so im really glad I've met her.  Going to meet her again in two weeks, as she had planned going to a week trip with her friends,, and then there are kids / work etc - but REALLY looking forward to see her... 

and the better thing about it, is I am getting more motivated to improve my living situation.. so starting to get help for looking for jobs etc. gotten a special mentor that helps with jobs. Might be looking into some leadership coarse, so I can manage people.
Not 100% on this yet, but gradual steps are going in the right direction here.

I want to mention that I have watched P two times. But no touching or anything,, just teasing for 5-10min and then close it down before things get too much. I did watch it before my first date with M - havent watched it since. 
This is my pattern for some time,, I think 20-30min max per month watching without doing anything. I am fully aware of this and I consider this a HUGE improvement compared to PMO'ing on a daily basis with huge negative affect on my life.
So not considering this a break of my stride at all - I'd have to ejaculate fully for that to consider a break of stride. 

-- BUT I should do something about this. Like, have more self control not even looking at all... but thing is my rationlization is I am a very passionate person with incredible sexual drive. "so it's ok just watch for 10min"... I know its wrong, as the 10min could become 20min and so on. I definetly dont want to go there at all.  I hope someone could chime in what to do here... my pattern is I watch it once or twice a month because I suddenly get horny / and just want to tease myself for abit.  I close it down instantly if I feel im just the slightest close to ejaculation or things take too much overhand (like spending +15min there)...  Then I start thinking "wtf am I doing here ffs!.."... then I close it down.  I wish I had some tactics to reduce / overcome this, as I feel like I've improved so much already... so why not just eradicate P completely from my life. like 100%...  I feel its possible.  maybe it will get easier when M is coming more into my life.



Pete, thank you for your reply the 21aug. sorry I didnt reply, but I deeply thought about everything you wrote. thank you for that. 
My anxiousness is only around new people and mostly in new crowds , or when I have to present something to several people. but one on one I have zero issues at all.  So im not sure if I really have social anxiety or if its just nerves of 'the new one'...  All I know is I speak less as other people in the crowd (a bit introverted) and my adhd thought jitters with thoughts like "why arent you speaking with the people" and I feel 'less' if I dont say much. Stuff like that....     
But I think a major shift is about to come soon in this aspect. I am projecting another "me" .. a person I see before me with much more confidence and much more to give.
I think 2020 will be my year of improvement on the social aspect. If I could fix this..    why am i starting to cry now://..  ...       yea.. if I could fix this.. could change my life completely. 

So my goal for 2020 is be to become more social, outgoing and happy.


Alright, I think im gonna keep it at that for now. 



Pmo-free   .      September 20   .      Day 153



next up 6 months!..  : 180 days!.. lets go!"



oh btw : I cant WAIT to have sex with M shiat!!  its gonna be the booooooooooooombbbb :D :D :D

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: August 20, 2019, 07:18:24 PM »
hey dude.. how are you doing. just checking up on you =)

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: August 20, 2019, 07:09:56 PM »
Quote
That's right, man. Social media is known to make P addicts relapse. First of all, it's full of triggers (pictures). Second, it's a part of the P behavior. If you used to relapse on social media, there is a switch in the brain that flips when you go there. It's like: "Okay, this is the relapse teritory!" That's why people advice changes like moving the computer to a different place, changing the furniture around etc. It takes you out of that P environment. If something makes you relapse, stay away from it. To be honest, probably all the things that make us relapse are useless. What do we need social media for so bad? Youtube? All this shit. Yes, of course, they have their useful moments but the majority of time is spend mindlessly browsing, scrolling, clickling, which is novelty. You see another picture and another picture or video, scrolling through them, clicking non-stop. Ditch that.

Im in on Lero on this one. I deleted fb and everything else years ago. downside is when you meet old friends, they are like 'where did you go, why this why that, are you ok'..
my answer was basically its possible to live a life without fb. it was annoying.. but some people just feel better checking/spying on you, etc.  im digressing here, main thing its a waste of time and you can put valuable time somewhere else.  is there one activity in your city you could attend, just for 1 hour per week?.. just to take that 1hour off social and exchange that hour into something fun. ..could be anything, chess clubb, bowling, poker club, dance practice, learning a new language, whatever..   That will raise the odds of getting your mind off pixels and endless thumb-scrolling (not saying you are doing that, but you get me).

all the best -

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: August 20, 2019, 06:48:52 PM »
Hey TUF,
welcome to reboot nation. Look forward to following your journey. I can relate to a lot of the things you write...
I am your age as well.. and the first 2 months was really hard (urges, depression, sloth etc). just a bomb of emotions - but today is my 4th month... still with some small bumps along the way but improved incredibly much compared to before. - you can do it too.

wish you all the best)

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: August 20, 2019, 06:36:52 PM »
+120 days.. I did it :) ..

also started gym on a daily basis again and happy about that.
I think it is still hard with all that stimulation from basically everywhere.. cant open a news-site without something a woman is portrayed in a sexual context.
some days ago it lead me into looking up an actress, which led to being stimulated and curios about her..  and I ended up "just quickly checking" about her. googling a bit etc.

after 5min of googling I realised I got caught in the grip and ended up in a pron site to check if she had any videos... then it hit me   "holy shit wth am I here for?!" and got out of it. No harm done.. but I got aroused during those minuttes I have to admit.   But again,, no harm done because days after, I got the suggestive thoughts which kept saying 'hey go there again',, 'arouse yourself just a bit, you are allowed'.. etc...     but I quickly called it out for what is was : CHASER EFFECT!... when I said those words, it it's like that voice, that suggestion got found out.. and it quickly vanished. Not sure how to explain it.  anyways.. I did not follow any of the following chaser effects because I quickly observe the feeling and called it out. It lost it's power each and every time by doing that.

Now.. the fact is, I did act on my impulses.. I remember been doing that once or twice during these months.. basically same loop - I see something usually after 1 month / boredom etc (you know the drill)..  and just have to check a bit.. I watch a bit, get aroused,, end up somewhere where I quickly realize to gtfo and I stop everything and eject asap.

I am aware of this pattern. I realize there is still inner work to be done. I have to stay vigilant always.... there is no need to reset counter or anything,, I didn't do nothing, just got caught in the rabbit hole and got abit aroused, realized it and ejected. no biggy... but, yea,, kinda half-biggy (lol).. like, that wasn't suppose to happen. It seems like I get into this small routine once a month or so,, it's like my body wants to remind me / take me back to what I use to do. But my inner conciuos wakes up quickly and doesn't let it.    Something is working right in there :) that is a good thing.
Will see if I can do something else when I get aroused.. I'm sure similar pattern will arise next month or so again.

With that said, I am still on the path. been a bit ups and downs, haven't been perfect.  meaning, I really want to ditch those impulsive 5min of getting caught by lust once a month.  (will get there)

Then there is tinder.. get a lot of matches, but I think my texting structure isn't up-to-date haha.. No need to blame it on the women for being bombarded constantly with new stimuly etc. I'd rather take it on me, and improve my texting style so I can get something out of it. So will look into tinder optimizing =).

besides that my plan is to follow up on day 150 which will be 5 months,, ouch..  that kinda hurt realizing that just now.  5 months gone by so quickly.. shit...
... fuck it. gonna be real about it.  5 months is ,, no it is much more than that.. I havent had any interactions with women. im sad about this.  My thing was not to be lonely,, and here I am, fucking lonely as fuck. My entire problem is this. tacklening loneliness. wth ..  I need to get out, I need to get a hobby... something needs to happen in my life..

sorry for the rant and just spilling out my thoughts as I write here. Gonna stop here and get some sleep. hopefully ill make plans from tomorrow how to better my situation.
I think most of the things im going through is because of social anxiety I have deep inside, which i've had since 15 or so..  I am turning 39 in 3 months. :I .   This is what I need to work on.

anyways.. taking a day a time. gym first and eat healthy are priorities right now.  all will be well.   

> and thank you Lero for the kind words. Im not feeling that inspirational right now,, but thank you for putting a smile on my face,, and making me realize that 123 days is actually pretty fucking awesome :D


a thing about counting and goals : I fully realize there is no "end".. there is no "My big goal is 2020" etc..   nop. I am basically tricking myself with these micro-goals and increasing the numbers and looking forward to hit that next number.. but the numbers are just symbolic, and the counting doesn't really matter..  as there is no finish line. there will never be.
There is just this.. doing the best we can today. and just follow that approach each day.  If there was a finish line, that would most likely be the day I'd mess it all up...  Not sure what they call that, but im sure there is a psychological term for it.  I pray to stay on this path and share my journey with all of you.


Pmo-free   .      August 21   .      Day 123
next up : 150 days! ... I can fucking do it"!! 5 months baby lets goo!


17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: August 04, 2019, 06:30:42 PM »
thanks everyone for replying. Hope you've all had some good weeks.

3 months!.. I am 106 days in, all hard mode. 
There have been a couple of times where I was in the shower and really horny.. masturbated just to edge a bit, and as soon as the pre-cum came I stopped it.
I stop it instantly when I feel too aroused,, because I project ahead, that I'll feel bad afterwards.. so I stop it all there and then. Also that I want to keep it in, so my ejaculation will be with a girl etc. it's been 3-4 times at max and I never came, So I will take that as continued hard-mode. Pattern of when I get really horny is mostly after I've matched with a special tinder girl and thought about what I'll do with them etc.  I get a ton of matches, but dont really follow up for dates etc,, but some of them, I can get really turned on by, the thought of when/if I'd meet them.. what i'll do etc...   that leads me to getting horny. 

no porn usage or anything like that, so really glad about that!.. Still occasionally get these micro-suggestions,, they come in a fraction of a second.. but I've gotten so good at catching/observing them that I do not follow up on the suggested action. Really happy about that as well! that itself is an amazing thing for changing old patterns. I've found the pattern to be mostly when tired/alone... so when the suggestions come I talk to myself "dude, you tired.. get off the pc, or you know where you'll end up doing.. fuck that"..
or "hey,, remember the past.. of all that shit youve watched.. did it get you any real life pu*ssy,, no.. then quit wasting time on it.. dont go there"....     self talk like that helps me not taking the next suggested step.

Had some aestethic surgery this week (rhinoplasty), so just taking it slow and steady chilling at home. it was something i'd wanted for many years and I am so thankful everything went well .. and that I finally went through with it. I look forward to have a big ass smile on my face without thinking about my nose. Not that I've ever had anyone tell me something, or issues getting women or nothing like that..  its just something I wanted to do. So with that, starts a new chapter =) 

oh yea forgot I was hitting on some hot girl I saw on the street before the surgery.. man, my testostoron is getting higher and higher, and my gym isn't even regular yet.. I can just imagine when I get fit again + hardmode for +3,4m + I dont have this psychological issue with my nose .. then Ill be going beast-mode haha...   will start hitting the gym in two weeks, and get fired back up.

so, I've done the surgery. Now next step is getting a job. combine that in with gym, hit on girls occasionally on the way to work or so (will eventually make a daily schedule) and all will be well. Just getting back on my feet and making my life steady and stable with confidence. Even considering adding in some hobbys at some point too.. but not martial arts this time,, something social and fun..  I've been mtb'ing on trails with my ebike lately with a friend and that is crazy fun... but will think of something where there are women as well. We will see in time.

I was really thinking of taking a trip to moscow in a month or so. Always wanted to go, and have women lined up wanting to meet up.. getting their whatsapp via tinder etc.  I am not sure if that is what I want,, (the women part) but it could be fun just going to see the city and get back home. Will see how everything goes with job etc. Dont feel good about keep postponing job search etc.


anyways, all is well and continuing the ongoing battle. The battle seems less violent, its fading a bit down and staying in the background - but I ain't lowering my shield. Always vigilant!


goal : going for 120 days. That is 4 months :O... I'll be home these next two weeks recovering etc. so that will be an interesting time. But I got this!!
 

Pmo-free   .      August 05   .      Day 106

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: July 11, 2019, 09:12:54 AM »
Hey Lero,
Good job on day 4 - keep it up man! Yea.. the 'not peeking' and stopping one self before it takes over is important. It's not easy, but get better at it with time. Staying vigilant and observant of thoughts is key.. and also talking back to it when suggestions arise has been very helpful in my case. I am sure you will find you'r way as well!

Just here to do a follow-up and keep my journaling in check. Last couple of days have been somewhat 'easy'.. no cravings or anything. Started up gym again and slowly working my way up again.
Been having thoughts of thankfulness a lot recently.. "thankful for not been watching p for so long time"...  it's like my brain is starting to accept my new normal. That this is new normal, a life without P.
Kind of crazy to think about, when been so addicted to it 3months ago.. (and last 30 years) ..  .

and just thinking about that now, makes me sad.. 30 fucking years, destroyed every damn relationship because I compared them to P-stars.. and ruined my relationship to childs mother because I wanted her to be more sexy... trying to change her into a damn fictional p-character in my head..  fuck that shit.. never again. I've learned, and my healing is in progress... and from now on I will treat women better and stop judging and comparing them to paid actors on a tft monitor.

I feel grateful a lot.. I am so thankful i've reached to this point. I really look forward to the 20th, that will be my 90th day.  Setting small goals have been crucial getting here. Looking forward to a 7-day streak, and then a 10-day, 14-day etc.. Just putting small steps ahead and looking forward to the next goal. This is how I have managed getting here + getting a lot of help from all the replies here.

Take care all


Pmo-free   .      July 11   .      Day 81

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: July 08, 2019, 06:05:17 AM »
hey,
what helped me in the beginning was coming here and writing daily.. just if to update the counter and nothing else.
maybe it could be a different approach that would help u.  regards

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: July 04, 2019, 05:55:35 PM »
Thanks Pete, yea I am sure it as well!
Yea I really liked that book as well. I’ve always been authentic when I actually go beyond my thought. It’s always the thoughts before taking action that keeps me back.
But when I start it up again, I am sure it will all come back to me,, and the boat will be rocking once again.

haha yea I know what you mean about the january-new-me syndrome,, never lasts .. My approach has always been 1% better a day - to improve myself. I try to use that approach to many parts in life and have patience with the process. It doesnt always go after the plan, but usually it does=).  Fortunately I have had many positive past experiences with women, dating, sex, etc.. so it's just getting things back up slowly again.  Stable gym, health and getting a job is my main objective for now - when these routines are in,, ill be back in shabba-ranks mode once again ).

I have made a tinder account recently, as I said i would do. Just to be a bit active in case something should pop up.. but not spending too much time on it. and I'm really picky so swiping left 95% is not getting me far there.. but its ok for now. might bump things up later.



So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

— but.. i never gave in. Today was especially hard as I had to resist many times,, I told the voice “NO” many times …all it had to do was to make my finger-tips type two words, and the cycle would start from there. I didnt do nothing..   even if my body is on the tip to explode.. there were times I wanted to M to nothing, just to get some testostoron out of my system.. but I didnt do anything. I even tried to make it OK by planning it in. like “I will M in 2 hours to nothing, just my thoughts etc’. .. but end up not doing it.   

I know all of this comes from boredom, my brain is bored,, then the dopamine monster kicks in the door and tries to lure me. I can totally understand why now..  Of coarse he wants to see some action, he sits and does nothing all day,, and when he does he is in front of a computer...  hmm... 


anyways, my conclusions is its better to let my juice be in there, so I have it when I see someone I like.  I think that is my why, that I don't want to let my stuff out for “nothing”..
 it’s like that reasoning is strong enough to fight that inner voice.  I will keep doing that.


I know what to do,... I am slowly doing the things needed to get my stuff back. get a daily routine etc. it just takes time.  Fixed my bike with a friend these last days, with the objective to get back on track with gym and decided towards healthier food habit (no sugary or carbs). all is progressing slowly.



not sure if any of this makes sense,, i am super tired right now and going everywhere (as usual).
I just know that today was challenging, but I fought back and I came out alive. I am proud of that.

am grateful for making it this far. I am thankful for the support of people here, really.

 15 days to go and it will be 90 days… i have something to look forward to,, but i’ll always be vigilant no matter the count.



Pmo-free .   July 5 .   Day 75



21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 30, 2019, 03:31:51 PM »
hey, thanks man! glad some of my stuff can inspire))..

So, day 70..  I am almost finish with my CV stuff and having someone to have a look at it next week. Ready to send out applications for jobs after that.. will be a very challenging period, as I have been living off savings for the past 5 years or so (had quite saved up, so all good).. getting a job is more that I feel lonely, well also for the money etc... but more to just socialize as I use to.. be around people and not staying home all day. It will be challenging. I will feel social anxiety. I will sweat... but fuck it!.. Better to face fears or whatever they are and just fucking do the damn thing.. tired of this lonely shit,, no wonder I resolved to p. Lets see where it takes me.

If anyone here has experience in reading CV's and applications for IT-Jobs, I would be glad to send it to you for some feedback. Would mean a lot.

I had one day last week where I fell into a suggestion "just watch it a bit more".. again some harmless pics, but I observed the action,, that obsessive search for more..  It is the second time i've done that now and it is really hard getting away when you put yourself in that situation. So my battle is to say NO when the suggestions of peeking pops up all the sudden. I didn't edge (do anything sexual), touch or nothing .. it's just that grip that gets you, and wastes your time.. trying to lure you into more empty dopamine spikes for the brain. I will be more vigilant and stop it.   I do not qualify these two times as failing/reboot .. no, a reboot for me would be full-out PMO after endless watching. Thankfully I've held back from that shit. It was close, but I was strong enough to stop my behaviors.

It is an ongoing battle... I definitely feel insanely horny, and it shows.. well,, on a dating site i've been on some time. I can feel it in the way I write to the women.. I do it with tact, and they really like it.  Getting a date etc would be fucking awesome tbh.. not sure if im there yet, but i cant hide from the world forever..  Let's see where it takes me as well. I am sure I wouldn't be able to hold my hands for myself when I get on a date.. pretty confident going out  - when that day comes hah..   but yeah'.. im saving all that man juice up for the next girl. That thought inspires me NOT to pmo at all,, so I can feel the real thing fully and entirely.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

Gotta take meditation up again. and gym..  starting from tomorrow again. I will do my best to stay consistent with it. but it seems I need a stronger why......  I always 'fall off the wagon' some how. suddenly I stop gym ,, and meditation as well. baah..
im all over the place now. wrapping it up.


so.. what are my goals for next up day 80? : 
: Apply for 1 job.
: Meditate once a day
: Go to gym once a day

Will do my best.


Day 70

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Did I just relapse?
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:41:15 AM »
hey, my opinion is.. show compassion towards yourself and decide RIGHT NOW that you wont do that shit again.
then no, in my book you haven't broken the streak....... as long as you don't go back seeking it.

I made the mistake when my girlfriend was pregnant.. same story as your's - but I kept watching porn. after two years when my son was born.. we broke up.
This is not a situation you want to be in... trust me, I would do anything to have a family,, living happily with the mother to my child. but no.. I hurt her, I dissapointed her.. I destroyed the trust and everything - that day she caught me with porn and she was pregnant.   

Don't make my mistake, please. I am seeing my son once a month.. you have no idea how much that hurts as a father.

Good job being pmo free for 2 years. Proceed with that!!

All the best

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: A Voice from the Dark....
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:35:05 AM »
Hey CL,
A lot of us are listening, you are definitely not alone. We are all in this.. The more you write, the more support you'll get (this is my experience).
I can relate to a lot of the things you write, I've been on sertralin (im eu based as well) when I was younger as well.. hated it but was necessary in that period of my life.

Taking the steps towards a P-free life is a good choice. Even if I am new to this as well (70 days) I feel it is worth it, despite it is hard.
I am sure you are able to do that as well, and take control of this fake stuff.. and shifting towards a more kind and social approach to women. That is my goal at least. It is possible, more than possible. We all need a bit of guidance and support in order to fight the battle.

Hope this message can inspire you and start the journey as well.

btw you are 35, you'r best age man.. imo, everything over 20 is a-ok as long as the women are mature. We tend to overthink these things.. the fact is .. nobody knows, before you try it out. you have zero knowledge if the girl you are looking at likes you back or not. meaning ,, just say hi.   I am sure you know of daygame community, I had great experience with it in the past, and i'll take it up again when sorting some stuff out.  Trust me, I've approached women in their  18's and was completely baffled that they super interested in me  (when i was 35/36) age plays no part there trust me.
 

All the best

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:21:25 AM »
vaca fully deserved man!.. watching you'r progress and seeing great improvement.
great job becoming better at being the observer,.. catching thoughts like ""just look at it... maybe just pictures.... what's the big deal?" " etc....

it's what we do after, which is important. Not letting these suggestions have their way but us taking control.
I have full confidence in you being able to catch the suggestions and divert them...  with one day, one thought a time.

Enjoy vacation)

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 24, 2019, 07:55:45 AM »
Day 64 hardmode - no P, no O, no M.
I am getting more confident that this time, I can manage this addiction for good!.
meaning, no more wasting time on fake stuff.

Held my sons 12th birthday with family this weekend. It was a great time, and proud of seeing my son so happy and thriving. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him.. actually everythingn I do is for him. I promise myself that P shit needs to go,, I want to lead by example and teach him from my experience. He is getting that age where girls are becoming an interest.. so at some point, I'll slowly educate him around this subject - when time is due. I will learn him the importance of love, being with people, showing affection and all that is related.. all from getting heartbroken, crying, feeling up, down, sex, and falling in love and the crazy stuff people do for love. I was never taught these things, affection and love was never talked about.. so I held in my feelings and felt it with P and online dating (sex).. but never what love was. 

I don't blame my parents, I don't blame anyone. All I can do is pass on my experience so my (and parents) lack of love wont continue. To this day I still long for love, connection and affection.. but I am doing little to get it because I am so tangled in being 'successful',, as if having a lot of money or fame is the solution to finding love. Won't get too much into that part as I am doing my best to overcome this.

I hope that this journey eventually will open up for more ; connection, people, love around me.
am I there yet?,, absolutely not - but I have hope, and that is enough. for now, I feel worthy of receiving love, I feel worthy of giving love.

This is what this journey is about for me. Discipline ( self respect and self love), kindness and compassion towards people.
I believe eventually the body and mind will open up more towards being affectionate when eliminating the empty and endless soul-destructing hole of P.

One day a time baby.. one day a time. We got this! =))  and reminding myself that = There is no finish-line..  no "when I hit day 365, then I'm FREE" ..
No, this is a life-long journey of learning how to love one self and trusting one self throughout the hardship of this addiction.. 



One thing that comes to mind is the battle of loneliness.. I don't want to 'end up lonely',, but this is where I am in my life for now. This is where I have been when ever gone to P.

How can I get the opposite then?.. I felt loved when I had my ex..  when I felt loved. So is women a solution to my problem?.. not sure,, there must be some inner workings that needs to be solved first I think. Question is, how can I not feel lonely?  being part of a hierarchy? a team?.. Feel like the questions I am asking myself when looking for jobs fx, are mostly around connection with like-minded people.. doing cool shit together and feel accomplished. This is not where I am today... and for that, I feel kinda sad and lonely... doing my best to get out of this situation.

I trust in myself and will gradually get myself out of this hole. .. and it helps that I now feel proud, accomplished with being disciplined enough to stick out almost 70 days of pmo-free..  It gives me that 1% extra motivation.. and this is what I need for now.

OHH.. and just remembered,, there was no social anxiety going to the birthday party!.. like, NONE!.. what?!.. normally I tend to sweat on my forehead and get super anxious about "them seeing me sweat" if I get into conversations with people being aroundn me.. then I try to avoid / eject the convo/situation - but none of that.. I was great at making conversations and holding it .. and if any subject I didn't feel like talking about, I manoeuvred around it without getting nervous. That is actually very good, as there were a lot of people around me listening in on the conversations I had. Huge improvement there!!..


Pmo-free .   April 24 .   Day 64

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