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Messages - Rex

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Jixu's Journal
« on: November 01, 2019, 01:16:58 PM »

Good work getting back on the wagon and staying clean the last 3 days.  Continue to practice the vigilance that you had for your 22 day recent streak and don't let your guard down, just take it one day at the time.


Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: November 01, 2019, 01:05:13 PM »

I have to second Lyon, the gradual approach doesn't work.  Sounds great in theory, but I have never read of anyone who was ever successful at beating a PMO addiction with this approach.  Tried this approach for 20 years and it never worked.  Cold turkey with 100% sobriety was the only strategy that ever worked for me.  I was such a bad PMO addict there were many nights I would stay up all night falling to PMO several hours and then would go to work the next day with no sleep.  It was a wretched existence.  I am now 403 days free from PMO.  Here's what worked for me:

1) Turning my recover over to God and asking His help to beat this addiction
2) Praying the Rosary every day (maintaining the daily prayer life)
3) Remaining vigilant by not putting myself in a situation where I could fall
4) Knocking away the impure thoughts, temptations, and urges as soon as they hit the mind
5) Staying clean one day at a time - days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and now over 1 year free from PMO.
6) Striving for 100% purity and nothing less

Remember you did a streak of 85+ days not too long ago.  This shows you are pretty close to kicking PMO forever, get back into a vigilant recovery where you do what worked for 85+ days and just continue that streak for the rest of your life.  The one big temptation during the reboot that tries to pull you back into PMO is that you are somehow missing out on something pleasurable by going cold turkey.  This is a big lie PMO always promises but never delivers.  Only thing PMO gives is misery, suffering, and destruction.

Good luck to you, hope you stay on the board.  Will be praying for you. 


Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: November 01, 2019, 12:45:44 PM »

You have made it through the toughest part of the reboot, keep moving forward and keep up the vigilance that you had the the last three weeks that kept you clean.  Remember, no matter how bad the urges or temptations get, they will pass.  Each time you fight these urges and temptations until they pass, you win and it gets easier to fight them. 

Keep up the hard work!  You're doing great. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: still going strong/still no career
« on: November 01, 2019, 12:26:40 PM »

Nothing punches harder than life, the last year has been the toughest year of my life.  I have been suffering from Lyme disease for 10 years with the last a little over a year has been full of despair and immense suffering.  However just like you I am now free from porn and my health very recently has been improving. Getting rid of the chains of this addiction is the victory of a lifetime.  I owe it all to God. 

You're struggling right now with your career and job.  However this is momentary, God will get you through it just as He helped you recover from your addiction to PMO.  It always seems darkest before the dawn.  You may not see your job or career changing but the turn of events to get you out of the career slump that you are currently in is right around the corner.  Doesn't matter that your pushing towards 60 years of age.  I am sure good things will happen to you in your career.  Put your trust in God and try to be upbeat, keep a smile on your face and don't let your current circumstance keep you down. 

Years ago when I graduated from college I went to work in a field where I failed every step of the way.  I was fired from a job that I worked almost 80 hours a week at and gave everything I had into, they didn't appreciate my hard work.  I then went to work for another employer in that same field that appreciated my hard work and that job only lasted for few months until it folded. I was trying so hard to make it in a field where my college degree was in and I couldn't make it.  I felt like such a failure.  I then tried to go back and get work in a field of work I had done while in college and I was turned down.  All the doors had closed for me.  I then began to pray to Jesus to show me where he wanted me to be.  I even went as far as to say if you want me to be a priest, then I will become a priest.  Within a short time after that sincere prayer I was still looking for job in the field where all the doors continued to close and suddenly out of nowhere an opportunity for a low paying job in a new field of work, which my college degree was worthless, opened up.  That job led to me getting good experience in that field and to a better paying job in that field and after a few years I was making very good money in that field after hard work.  I have been in this field for the last 27 years and I love it.  So my advice is to you is to ask Jesus to show you where He wants you to be in terms of your career/profession/vocation, He'll definitely show you and you'll be happy and feel fulfilled. 

I'll pray for you and your family.  Keep fighting the good fight!


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: November 01, 2019, 11:56:49 AM »

Thanks for the kind words.

Day 403 (over 1 year):

Reboot Update: Now I am over 1 year of being clean, I have gotten to the point where I don't think about my former PMO addiction that destroyed me for many years.  My brain is rewired differently to want to stay clean and it's now the new normal to stay clean.  The temptations still pop up in the head from time to time but they don't have a hold on me.  I see these temptations for what they are and I swat them away and they disappear.  I am continuing the daily prayer life which is vital for keeping me on the straight and narrow. 

Health Update: Slowly getting better, still having the tough days but also having more of the better days.

Thoughts of the Day:   

1) Take it one day at a time: Just get through each day as arrives, being PMO free.  Then do the same the next day and then the day after that.  Give everything you have to staying clean each day.  The days will turn into weeks and the weeks into months and then the months into years. 

2) Take control of your thoughts:: You may get hit with urges and temptations but you have the free will to entertain these urges and temptations or fight them.  If you fight and refuse to entertain these urges and temptations, you won't fall to PMO.  The fall to PMO always starts with entertaining these thoughts in your head.

3) Don't waste your time with smutty TV shows and movies: Keep the mind clear of the impurity by staying away from watching TV shows and movies that have any nudity and/or sexual content or any dirty language.  For instance I started watching a few months back some old reruns of the TV show Taxi which originally aired from 1978-1983, but after a few episodes I noticed that the characters kept talking about sex and sexual themes, so I stopped watching it.  There's an old saying "garbage in, garbage out".  When we allow this type of impurity to enter into the mind it tends to eventually manifest itself in an obsession with thinking about sex which leads to porn, masturbation, etc....  Stick with the clean TV shows and movies or find some new productive hobbies.   


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: October 12, 2019, 11:16:05 AM »
Excellent report Rex-nice job!  Hope you continue to see some improvements from the physical ailments.  Keep going, and keep in touch!


Thanks, my physical aliments have slowly been improving.  Still have some rough days but the really bad symptoms seem to be shorter and less frequent.

Now for my journal update....

Day 383 (1 year, 18 days)

Reboot Update: One of the most interesting changes in my life is that my previous 3 decade addiction to PMO is almost forgotten.  I don't think about it, I don't count days.  The new me is a life without PMO.  One of the biggest challenges now is to keep up the vigilance and the prayer life that has gotten me to being over 1 year free from PMO.  And not forgetting that without God, I would not be where I am today.  Once in a while there are still triggers and temptations that pop into my head but I swipe them away the moment they hit my head and they really hold no power over me.  For instance if I am out at the mall and a racy ad is in a store window, I just glance away from it and pay no attention to it.  These types of things have become for me like an ultra annoying person that I just ignore and pay no attention to.  Now it's second nature for me to remain clean and practice purity.  It has provided me with a happiness I haven't had in a long time.  I am no longer a slave to lustful thoughts and temptations, I am a free man.

Health Update: It's been slow but with a change in natural supplements, I am gradually beginning to feel better and my battle with Lyme and its co-infections is gradually taking less of a toll on me.  I am getting out of the house more and the symptoms are lessening in their intensity and not lasting as long when they hit.

Thought of the day:

1) Interrupt your next fall to PMO: Next time right before you fall into PMO when you begin to feel that adrenaline rush and the temptations and urges are so intense that the fall to PMO seems inevitable.  Immediately stop what you are doing, and just standup and walk around the room and relax and perform some deep breathing exercises and really think, I mean concentrate and focus on how rotten you are going to feel emotionally and spiritually after you fall to PMO. Nobody feels good after a fall to PMO.  You can pray during this time and ask God for the strength to beat this fall.  What all this does is interrupt the process of the fall.  Then after you have gotten the heart rate lower and are feeling calmer, go do something else productive or leave the house for a few hours.  After doing something else for a few hours or leaving the house for a few hours you will have broken the chain of the inevitable fall and turned it into a victory.  Now if you continue to repeat this interruption you'll find you will be free from PMO for a day, then a week, then a month, and then a year, etc.  We are habitual in nature, break the chain of this habitual PMO behavior and your new life awaits. 


Ages 40 and up / Re: 44 years old on the brink of falling
« on: October 12, 2019, 10:37:15 AM »
Unfortunately I relapsed after 92 days an it is a big relapse. I PMO’d probably over 20 times in a week. Trying to come back to my senses, have been clean for 5 days, but the urges are bad. Mind is tricking me on all levels. Hope I can get out off this soon, I know urges go, but when you indulge after a long time they seem to get so much stronger

Don't beat yourself up.  You have done the hardest part already which is getting back on the wagon. You are now 5 days free from PMO, don't entertain the bad thoughts and the temptations and urges when they hit the brain.  They will eventually go away. They are always tough the first week but gradually lessen over time.  You must remain vigilant. 

I have been free from PMO for over a year now, my previous best streak was 28 days back in early 2017.  When I fell then I went into a PMO marathon which lasted for almost year and half.  The one point I finally realized and have kept telling myself the last year and still tell myself today is that one fall to PMO is not one fall but it will always lead to a PMO marathon that will be very hard to recover from.  You have bounced back, it's going to be difficult but as you progress it will be easier.  You did 92 days, so you had a big victory.  This time you'll beat that.  It gets much easier when you hit 6 months, by that time you'll find staying away from PMO is second nature.  Never rationalize one fall to PMO, because it never is one fall to PMO, it's the gateway back to daily PMO.

Great job getting back on the wagon, keep up the hard work you can beat PMO!

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: October 11, 2019, 08:47:47 AM »

Great work on jumping back on the wagon, this was something in the past I was never good at.  Once I started getting good at jumping back on the wagon, that was the first step forward for me to the success I have had in the last year staying away from PMO. 

You need to take one day at a time and not worry about the next day, the days will pass just concentrate on staying clean that day. One thing that I have discovered is that the fall to PMO never begins right before it happens.  It starts in the mind days, weeks, months, etc. before it happens.  In other words if you rationalize a fall to PMO in the future, you'll fall.  Don't give in in your thoughts.  When those thoughts hit your mind, knock them immediately out.  Laugh at those tempting or rationalization thoughts concerning falling to PMO, and keep saying to yourself - "never again".  It will get easier the more times you successfully knock the thoughts out of your mind, the effect they will have on you will lessen the more times you successfully do this.  It's a skill that takes some practice but it yields great results.  You'll find over time the thoughts and temptations won't hold any power over you, you'll have the self control to not let them bother you or pay any attention to them.  You'll treat them like an annoying person that you avoid and ignore.  Another technique that worked well is when I would get porn images of women hit my mind from previous PMO falls, I would pray for these women - a Hail Mary or Our Father prayer.  And every time the images would come back to my mind I would repeat the prayer.  This usually caused the images to stop popping into in my head for a while. The longer you stay away from PMO those former porn images that you viewed begin to fade and drop from your subconscious.

Be very cautious and control what passes through the eyes especially when it comes to TV shows and movies.  If a TV show or movie has nudity in it, don't watch it.  If when watching a TV show or movie you feel it's stimulating bad thoughts or feelings, shut it off and watch something else.  It's amazing how this stuff enters into the subconscious leading to a fall to PMO.  I find when I watch TV now, I watch a lot of documentaries and sports games.  I stopped watching baseball years ago, now I watch MLB baseball games all the time. 

The biggest change I made in order to defeat PMO, was to realize that it was a lot more powerful than me I needed God's help to overcome it.  Just like in any 12 step recovery program, God is the center of the recovery.  It was when I turned over my recovery to God and instituted a daily prayer life that I started to truly beat PMO.  You can read my journal for more details. 

Last, please remember this, no matter how bad the urges or temptations are they always pass.  At the time when they hit they may seem like it's never going to end and you have to submit to them.  No, they will soon pass.  Each time you beat them you get stronger and the urges and temptations overall get weaker.

You recently made it over 30 days free from PMO.  This is a sign that you are close to beating it.  I really started to notice the changes where it got easier after the 60 day mark and then after 6 months I saw big changes where it was second nature to stay clean.  It takes awhile but the longer you stay away from PMO the easier it gets.   

I'll keep you in my prayers.  Keep up the hard work, you are going to beat PMO!


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: September 27, 2019, 12:33:48 PM »
Day 368 (1 Year, 2 days):

Reboot Update: I am now were I always wanted to be for the last 3 decades, a little over 1 year free from PMO.  I owe all the thanks to God and the sword of the Rosary.  Please read the previous post above for more details.  Everything has changed for the better I never thought this day would arrive where I would be over a year free from PMO.  I will continue to be vigilant and I am going to continue to pray at least 1 Rosary a day for the rest of my life.

Health Update: Still suffering from Lyme, having plenty of ups and downs but I am seeing some improvement of some of the symptoms and I believe just as the PMO addiction had a 100% hold on me until I prayed the daily Rosary, my chronic illness will also in the near future be eradicated through the daily Rosary.

Good luck to everyone in this battle, I will continue to check in and give updates....

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: September 27, 2019, 12:21:34 PM »
Congrats Rex, keep doing what you’re doing. So cool about the rosary. I’m not Catholic but definitely believe in the power of prayer, which in my opinion is pretty much what the rosary is. My fiancé is Catholic and I’m Protestant. We’re both very practising of what our Christian beliefs are and respect each other’s belief where we differ. It’s like her uncle said, who is also Catholic, “Jesus is what matters”. Anyways, thanks for writing your journal. Reading other people’s journals is definitely helping me in this battle. I’ve noticed this new drug is not a respecter of persons. So many of us probably disagree on a lot of stuff but I think we all agree that this new drug is not good for us.


Sorry for the delayed response.  So very true Jesus is what really matters, and I wouldn't be where I am today a little over a 1 year free from PMO without Jesus' help.  However let me say that the Rosary was the sword that slashed and destroyed a more than 3 decade battle of fighting a porn and masturbation addiction.  I had no idea how powerful the Rosary is.  I grew up Catholic and there were many years when I never prayed even 1 Rosary.  I tried everything to stop this wretched addiction, the only thing that worked for me was the Rosary. Back a few days before the new year of 2017, I began in desperation praying three Rosaries a day, and I continued to pray them every day and I went 28 days free from PMO.  I then got lazy and stopped praying the three Rosaries a day and then I soon fell to PMO again.  And then I fell back into PMO marathon for almost 2 years and finally deciding to pray the three Rosaries a day since September 2018.  And the results speak for themselves I have been porn and masturbation free for a little over a year.  I can't describe how I have changed, I am no longer enslaved to PMO or lust, my whole life has changed.   

Try praying 1 Rosary every day for a month, I will guarantee that you'll start to beat the PMO addiction. You don't have to be Catholic to pray the Rosary.  Remember you are praying to Mary to intercede to her Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ.  She's a powerful intercessor.  Put another way remember the marriage at Cana in John chapter 2:1-11?  When the wine ran out Jesus had no intention to perform the miracle of changing the water into wine, it was only through the pleading of His mother Mary the Blessed Virgin Mary that He relented and performed the miracle. We are praying the Rosary to Jesus, it's His mother through the Rosary who intercedes on our behalf to ask Jesus to answer our prayers.  Believe me the Rosary works, I am living proof.  I will be saying it every day for the rest of my life which now has so much promise since PMO is behind me.  There are 15 promises of the Rosary and this one kept popping into my head, and finally after trying everything to beat PMO, this promise was what caused me to try the Rosary:

"The Rosary shall be a powerful armor against hell, it will destroy vice, decrease sin, and defeat heresies."

Keep fighting the good fight!


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: August 01, 2019, 04:02:31 PM »
Day 311 (10 months, 8 days):

Reboot Update: I am still remaining vigilant and have continued the prayer life and placing my reboot in God's hands.  I certainly would not be here over 10 months free from PMO if it wasn't for God's help and assistance.  The Rosary has been my sword slashing this addiction, I have been praying 3 Rosaries a day.

Health Update: Been one wild roller coaster ride, but I am slowly getting better and feeling better.  Indeed God is healing me.  Today I am just one step further into my new life.  No matter how bad a day I have healthwise, the chains of my former PMO addiction have been broken, so I am a free man.

Thoughts of the day:

1) We can't win this battle alone.  No matter how hard I tried in the past (for the thirty years I tried to quit), I kept falling back into PMO.  It was only when I decided last year to put this battle into God's hands that I finally was able to start on the path for real victory.  The centerpiece of all 12 step recovery programs is that victory over the addiction requires the assistance of God.

2) The Rosary is the most powerful weapon we have against the addiction of PMO and any other sin and vice.  It's a vice breaker.  Praying 3 Rosaries a day broke the chains of the addiction for me.  During the reboot process if I faltered in saying 3 Rosaries a day and didn't pray any Rosaries I could feel myself slipping where the urges were getting stronger and stronger. When I prayed 3 Rosaries a day the urges got weaker and weaker and it was like I was on auto pilot and not hard to stay on the straight and narrow.   

The Rosary as a Spiritual Weapon:

For the full video:


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: July 10, 2019, 09:26:12 AM »
BigMog and MosesY,

Thanks for the words of encouragement!  MosesY, thank you for posting the Oswald Chambers quote it is so very true, very profound words there.  I am going to print it these words and put them on my desk too.

Day 289 (9 months, 16 days):

Reboot Update: Sorry for taking so long to post an update, I have continued to remain vigilant and continued the prayer life and I am now about 9 1/2 months clean.  For those going through the tough journey early in the reboot process, I can give you reassurance that it will get easier, much easier the longer you stick with it.  The last two months were the easiest on the reboot. Staying clean almost becomes second nature.  When the temptations hit my first response is to change my thoughts immediately and move on.  Its now my preferred notion to want to stay clean and let nothing get in the way of that.

Health Update: It's been a wild roller coaster ride with many ups and downs but overall I am seeing some improvements and moving in the right direction in my battle with Lyme disease.  Just like my battle to beat PMO, I am placing this healing in God's hands and continuing to move forward.

Thoughts of the day:

1) Don't focus too much on the upcoming weeks, months, or years when on the reboot process.  Just take one day at a time.  The days will then turn into weeks and then months and then years free from PMO. 

2) When the urges hit keep focusing instead on how much better you will feel after you beat the temptation since the urges and temptations will pass.

3) PMO is a selfish addiction where our life is centered around our pleasure and fulfillment of carnal desires.  One way to break the addiction is to do things for others, stop thinking about yourself and help others.  It doesn't have to be anything big, even small things we can do for others helps to break this addiction.   

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: May 28, 2019, 09:25:57 AM »
1) The fall begins as soon as you begin to rationalize in your brain the fall to PMO.  This can be a day or week, or even months before the fall.  Don't ever rationalize a fall to PMO since once you have agreed to it in your thoughts, the fall will soon arrive.  And if you have already rationalized the fall in your thoughts but haven't fallen yet, change your thoughts right now and say "no way, it's not going to happen" and reverse the thought process. 

That's some of the best advice I've read in ages, Rex. Thanks for sharing. Congrats on your continuing success.


Thanks for the encouragement and kind words!

Day 246 (8 months, 4 days):

Reboot Update: Just in case you were wondering, I don't count the days or even the weeks or months anymore, haven't in a few months.  The new norm is staying clean and on most days I don't even think about how long it has been since I started the reboot to my new life.  Before I post here, I use the handy Days Calculator at to figure out how long I have been clean and free from PMO.  I am suffering through a lot stuff right now, but its such a big weight off my shoulders and my soul that I no longer am burdened with a PMO addiction.  It's been a lot of work with remaining vigilant and continuing with the daily prayer life.  This reboot I put in God's hands and I achieved success beyond my wildest dreams.  My best past reboot was back in 2017 when I went 28 days, that seemed like I climbed the mountain.  Where I am today at day number 246, is like going to Mars, all possible only through God's grace.

Health Update:  Just like I struggled for years to beat a PMO addiction that I thought was unbeatable, by turning to God it's now a thing of the past, ancient history.  My battle strategy with my terrible Lyme disease and its coinfections is the same, I am putting this battle in God's hands.  I have had this disease for at least the last 10 years and the suffering especially the last year have for many days become so unbearable, I am placing this battle in God's hands.  Even though I have been undergoing treatment the last 7 months with nothing seeming to work (tried so many different treatments and strategies), I feel like I am on a carousel that keeps going around in circles or trapped in a park where I keep going around in circles and none of the paths lead out of the park.  On days when I feel I am finally making progress a few days later I go back 8 months back to ground zero and can't even function with symptoms so bad I encounter suffering so bad it brings me to my knees along with feelings of utter hopelessness.  However no matter how bad those days are God is always there to get me through them. I am 100% confident that God will deliver me from this illness the same way he has freed me from my PMO addiction.

Thoughts of the day:

1) Don't let the temptations or urges scare you, fear is one of the big factors in a fall to PMO.  Do not pay any attention to these temptations or urges just like you ignore a fool who bothers you with nonsense.  Laugh when those temptations seem so hard to resist, this always seems to lessen their sting. 

2) Don't ponder, dwell, or even give any thought concerning the temptations when they hit.  Part of the trickery of the temptations is to get your mind dwelling, pondering, or thinking about them.  When they hit immediately change your thoughts to something else.  For instance think about a hobby like baseball and start thinking or remembering which hitters had the best batting averages, which pitchers had the best ERAs, or what teams went to the World Series the most times.  Or if your hobby is horticulture start thinking about different plants and flowers and where they originated.  Every time the temptations hit you move your thoughts elsewhere, then these temptations can't plant any seeds in your subconscious.

3) Never give up, keep trying.  When you fall get right back on the wagon, don't fall into the PMO marathon that usually follows a fall after a reboot.  Those PMO marathons can last weeks, months, even years before you're able to get back on the wagon for another reboot.  For instance I fell in late-January 2017 after a 28 day reboot, instead of getting back on the wagon I fell into a PMO marathon that lasted until September 2018 when I finally got back on the wagon.  I should have gotten right back on the wagon in late-January 2017. 

4) Just like with any successful 12-step program, the centerpiece is turning to God to help you beat the addiction, it's imperative to put your battle with PMO in God's hands.  He will get this terrible addiction off your back and give you a life you never thought possible.  This is a spiritual battle for your soul.  The chains of the PMO addiction are heavy and strong, but can't stand up to the mighty power of God.

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: May 28, 2019, 08:37:49 AM »
I'm finding it harder to resist cravings for P today than I have at any time since 8th January, so I hope that journalling what's going on is going to help, because I'm all over the place and came very close to falling off my wagon just a few minutes ago.

I've read that the stages of a relapse are 1. emotional relapse, 2. mental relapse and 3. physical relapse. My emotions are in a place where relapse feels like the most natural thing to do. I'm anxious to the point of physically trembling. I'm jumpy and very ill at ease. I'm absolutely in the "mental relapse" zone; my chimp is telling me that I could cope with a little bit of P and that it would help me settle. It's telling me that fantasy is fine, as long as I don't M/O. It's reminding me that life had more of a buzz to it when I was using. My human brain knows that's all bullshit and that my chimp just wants a way out of the anxiety. I need to let my Chimp have its tantrum without acting on its suggestions. I need to buy a minute. Journalling this is helping. Breathing exercises are helping. Letting the chimp shout is helping. OK. That's better. I've bought myself the time for my human brain to get back in control. i know that P isn't the answer. I remember how bad things used to be. I know why I'm anxious and I can find other solutions. I have a lot of conflicting work stresses pulling at me. I'm concerned today that my job isn't safe and I'm not in control. I've realised that I'm working from a coffee shop that used to be a P-browsing haunt in the bad old days. I'm going to write a plan for how to manage those conflicting stresses but first of all, I'm going to log-off and leave this triggering location. Alright. I am back in control. Sorry to unload my stress here, but writing it really helped me to stay present and not give-in to the cravings.
Be safe and strong today. P is not an option.


One of the things that I have come to really understand in this whole reboot process is how the brain plays such a huge role in the addiction.  If you can beat the brain you can beat the addiction.  No matter how hard the brain wants you to revert back, it will begin to lessen in its power the more times you beat it.  Don't give in, when the cravings hit, the brain is trying its best through tremors, anxiety, and all its other bag of tricks (many of them PAWS symptoms) to get you to fall to PMO.  Do an Internet search for techniques to stop panic attacks, these type of techniques help to push the brain into doing another task which causes it to stop tormenting you with the PAWS type symptoms.  For instance if you count backwards from 100 to 0 or other similar techniques to get the brain working on something else it stops the cravings and PAWS symptoms.  Think of your brain like a computer, if the computer can't stop doing a task, then give it another one that bogs down the processor and its memory so that it can only work on the task you want it to work on.

Keep fighting, remember no matter how bad the cravings and temptations get they will lessen and go away.  Time is on your side, wait it out and win!  This reboot is won on the long game, the brain has the short game, but if you play the long game you'll aways win.  The more times you beat the brain, the brain will eventually learn its new norm without PMO and the reboot will be complete, and you'll have total victory. 

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: May 13, 2019, 09:47:14 AM »
Jixu, WiP , cranm and Jbow-thanks very much for your support. I've climbed back on to the wagon and am clinging on, though it's a bit of a bumpy ride. I'm in the US for work until the end of next week. Trying to stay focused as I have a lot of work to do today from my hotel room before I rejoin the fray in the office next week.

I'll intersperse the work with wandering out into the small garden, a trip to lunch and probably a run this evening as well as mindfulness and reading / responding in journals here.

Keep trekking folks.

4 Days Clean


You're doing great!  The hardest part of the reboot process is getting back on the wagon.  I could never do that until last September.  Usually when I fell after a reboot, I would go on a PMO marathon that would last months and sometimes a few years.  So that's a big step that you not only realize the importance of getting back on the wagon and moving forward but are doing the hard work of getting back on the wagon.  You have now been clean for almost a week, look at this as a new beginning, keep looking forward and focus on the future and remember no matter how bad the urges and temptations get, they will always pass.  The more times you beat the urges and temptations the easier it gets to beat them and eventually they have no pull over you.  Keep moving forward and posting on the board and don't dwell on your most recent fall to PMO it's now behind you and ancient history.


Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: May 13, 2019, 09:37:46 AM »
56 days clean now. I feel pretty good today, no temptation to look at porn. I am just relaxing today, watching "Dexter" on Netflix. I know now that it is possible to be cured from an addiction to porn. I prayed a lot about it, became desperate enough to the point where I reallly wanted to quit and found this site. My heart has been changed, I care more about people now and want to do what I can to help others.


You are doing great, keep up the great work!  As you progress it's going to get easier!

From my experience, a word of caution about the cable TV programs like Dexter, Sopranos, etc., they have nudity and very strong sexual themes in some of the episodes.  It's easy when watching these to rationalize that you'll cover your eyes during those parts or not pay attention however this stuff does enter into the subconscious and can lead to a fall to PMO.  In the past when I would be on a reboot these programs and movies would sow the seeds for a fall for me.  When I finally went clean for good last fall, I stopped watching these type of shows and movies and have been more careful with what I watch on TV and the Cable TV networks, it's kept me out of trouble and clean.

Keep up the great work!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: May 13, 2019, 09:22:01 AM »
Hi Rex, thanks for the updates and thoughts. Great work with the reboot and I hope the recovery from Lyme disease continues. You really have my respect in having the toughness to be winning these two battles.
The seasons analogy works for me  as well. Sometimes, even in the spring we get days that are gloomy, windy and rainy, but we have to get through them the best we can and enjoy the sunshine when it comes.
Keep strong.


Many thanks for you words of encouragement and support.  Since my last post there have been ups and downs however the ups are becoming a little more frequent and downs little less frequent.  So that's a big step in the right direction for me.

Day 231:

Reboot Update: I am continuing on auto pilot, the temptations and urges no longer have the power they once had.  It's now second nature to stay clean.  The temptations seem to get more clever in some respects, with strange rationals that hit the brain randomly.  I immediately see them for what they are and just swat those temptations away and they are gone, there's no longer the long term dwelling on the temptations or urges like I did before, I swat them away and they are gone.  I am continuing to remain vigilant and continue the daily prayer life which includes praying 3 Rosaries a day.

Thoughts of the day:

1) The fall to PMO doesn't usually occur when it happens, no, actually it happens before that, sometimes long before that.  The fall begins as soon as you begin to rationalize in your brain the fall to PMO.  This can be a day or week, or even months before the fall.  Don't ever rationalize a fall to PMO since once you have agreed to it in your thoughts, the fall will soon arrive.  And if you have already rationalized the fall in your thoughts but haven't fallen yet, change your thoughts right now and say "no way, it's not going to happen" and reverse the thought process. 

2) One of the main reasons many of us fell into PMO in the first place are due to those feelings of worthlessness, or just feeling down about circumstances that are out of our control.  PMO tricked all of us into believing it offered us some relief from these and the stresses of our lives.  However as we soon discovered that PMO was trickery, it was too late we were badly addicted.  One of the ways to heal from PMO is to stop worrying about the day-to-day setbacks and stresses and put these problems and setbacks in God's hands.  And when those thoughts of worthlessness hit, remember we are all made in God's image and likeness and no matter what He loves us and cares for us more than we can fathom.


Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: April 26, 2019, 03:05:59 PM »
Day 214:

Reboot Update: I can't believe it's now been 214 days or 7 months and 2 days that I have been free from PMO.  Earlier this morning I fired up an old MacBook Air that I had not used at in long time looking for some old files.  I deleted any porn or suggestive pictures off of this laptop several months ago.  I used the web browser on this laptop this morning and noticed I still had a few porn related bookmarks listed in the browser, my first reaction was to go to the edit bookmarks and delete all the bookmarks in the browser.  And without even a second thought, Poof, these old bookmarks were gone in less than 20 seconds when I deleted them all. There were no second thoughts, deleting them was my preferred action from the bottom of my heart.  I am using this example to illustrate how the reboot over time changes the thought process to where your first inclination is to do the right thing and stay away from porn or anything that leads to it. For anyone out there struggling it gets easier over time, much easier.  So stick with the program and keep moving forward and remain vigilant.  For me the prayer life has been a core ingredient to my recovery, the three Rosaries a day have given me the grace to stay away from PMO.

Health Update: My health has been slowly improving, I still struggle with the symptoms of Lyme.  After 4-5 months on antibiotics I came to realize they were only making me sicker. Had some rough days earlier in the month. I ditched the antibiotics about 2 1/2 weeks ago and will stick with a healthy gluten-free, sugar free, and cheese free detox diet along with taking natural supplements to boast my immune system which the illness and the antibiotics have wrecked.  Once my immune system improves it should be able to kick the Lyme bacteria out of my body along with the Lyme co-infections in my body.   

Thoughts of the day:

1) Don't worry about how you feel during the reboot process it will get easier over time, the benefits of being free from PMO take a while to show up.  It's like the seasons, you have to go through fall and winter before you reach spring.

2) There's no turning back, PMO offers you nothing.  When the temptations and urges hit, don't think about the enticement of PMO, instead focus on how bad you felt in the past after you fell into PMO.   

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: April 26, 2019, 08:17:52 AM »
Rex, that was an inspirational post-thanks!  Hopefully that fighting spirit can flow to those of us who read your post.  I also think your description of the battle that wages in the unseen realm was quite apt. 

The thoughts of the day that you listed are so basic yet so true and it is good to be reminded of them.  Keep on trucking friend.


Thanks for the compliments and words of encouragement.  I really appreciate it.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: April 03, 2019, 08:50:16 AM »
Day 191:

Energy level = 0%  A new supplement/herb to my doctor prescribed cocktail of antibiotics and natural supplements has me feeling like a truck ran over me.  The nausea and discomfort and weakness are terrible, just another fun day fighting Lyme disease.  Adding to the mix I have been hit with bad temptations and urges this morning on the PMO front. These temptations and urges always seem to hit when I am at my worst physically and am really taking a beating from Lyme.  It's as if the devil takes pleasure in tormenting me with temptation when I am at my worst physically.  However I swatted those temptations and urges away and remain more vigilant than ever.  I was also so weak and tired last night I only was able to complete 1 1/2 Rosaries instead of the normal 3 Rosaries, so that usually weakens me spiritually when I don't do the normal 3 Rosaries a day.  Never-the-less I am still PMO free and will continue to remain vigilant.

There are those days that seem so dark, today is one of them but I know in all of this suffering that God will get me through these dark days and eventually I will permanently turn the corner to beating this Lyme disease with His healing.

Thoughts of the day:

1) PMO is never an option

2) PMO first comes in appearance as a friend, but then turns into a conquerer and enslaver of the mind, body, and soul.  PMO is the ultimate Trojan horse that's only aim is our total destruction.


Ages 40 and up / Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« on: April 03, 2019, 08:16:33 AM »

Thanks for the great info, a while back I had actually read a few articles about Gundry's diet program and watched a coupe of his videos.  On your recommendation I am going to buy his Plant Paradox book.  I am going to do his diet plan, I got nothing to lose but more weight.  Thanks again for taking the time to post this information, I am really hurting in my Lyme treatment and I am becoming more convinced that diet is the answer.


Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: April 02, 2019, 11:46:00 AM »
Coped with my triggers last week and remained clean. RUN works well for me when I implement it. Should execute it earlier and not try to white knuckle my way through a P craving.

No P or M since early January. I think that my brain continues to rewire, through a hard reboot and avoiding anything that revs my system too high. About to take on a fairly significant financial commitment at a time when economic prospects aren't favourable. I need to see the pleasure that investment brings my family and keep doing the things that will keep me on the wave at work. If I let it stress me, I hear my chimp saying "fuck this and do some P". It's a quiet voice currently and easily filtered out.

Injuries mostly healed now. Only my shoulder still sub-optimal and I can cope with that. Sport and training are my most helpful and positive outlets, but I need to moderate and not over-train. Injuries put the brakes on my recovery in more ways than one.

If you read this... sincere thanks. Wishing you every success in your recovery today. I commit to stay clean today.


You're doing great, you're almost at 90 days!  That's a great accomplishment!  During the reboot process you're going to have  good days and bad days all mixed in with the daily curve balls that life throws at us.  When the stress and bad days really get to you and the temptations seem intense.  Remember, it's only temporary and it will pass.  Keep focused on how far you have come in your reboot and the great victory that you have obtained staying clean.  During the rough patches it's so easy to forget that you are free from PMO, just keep moving forward.

Keep up the great work, you are doing great!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: April 02, 2019, 09:46:21 AM »
Day 190:

Not much to say today, I will continue the vigilance and my daily prayer life and will continue to move forward. I want to thank God again for allowing me to reach 190 days, I couldn't have done it without God. And thanks to all on the board for your prayers, encouragement, and friendship it's gotten me through some very difficult and tough days.

Thoughts of the day:

1) Giving into the temporary pleasure of PMO leads to slavery to PMO. True liberation of mind, body, and spirit is being free of PMO.

2) The reboot is not easy, but it's worth the suffering encountered during it.  Remember no matter how bad the temptations, urges, body aches, and other symptoms get during the reboot process never forget you are healing.  Don't be too hard on yourself and don't push too hard to speed up the recovery, just stay free from PMO and everything will fall into place.  Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day, it's going to take some time to heal the mind, body, and soul.  Keep moving forward and don't look back.

Ages 40 and up / Re: A New Life
« on: April 02, 2019, 09:07:55 AM »
I have reached the length of my all-time record today. 30-days. Last time I held out this long, was about 20 years ago. It was excruciating and I had private counselling going on and a break up, working 40 hours a week and taking 15 college credits...

Now it seems like I’m not even doing anything. Just sitting here feeling perfectly fine. I feel very balanced.

760 days No Alcohol
23 days No Sugar
30 days No PMO

And I feel like a normal person.

I started the Plant Paradox diet about 1 week after I started no PMO. I did Phase 1 cleanse for 6 days instead of 3 days. By the end of the cleanse, all my sugar cravings melted away and my PMO urges and anxiety greatly reduced to a very managable level. Today, I am tying my all-time white knuckle record and I feel completly calm and in control.

I am convinced our gut microbiome is the most important thing we can focus on and get right, if we want to help the body right itself. Focusing on learning and living by the Plant Paradox diet, to the letter, has been both, 1) a nice distraction from PMO and 2) a root cause rebalancing of my body’s chemistry issues. All my strong urges of all kinds are highly managable now.

My sugar cravings were gut-wrenching only a couple weeks ago. I felt like I would die if I didn’t have something. Now I never have any sugar cravings at all. PMO urges, when they do happen, are very manageable, not so intense. I have morning wood, increased sensitivity again, but now I don’t want to masturbate, so I don’t. I know better now.

My whole body is more healthy and in balance with itself now. Fwiw, I hardly use any toilet paper now, very little is needed. My gut is working rightly again. I’m eating right. To the degree that I’m still toxic with bad thoughts and imbalances in my system, I have the tools and the understanding now to get through it and stay on track.

I want to repair and maintain my gut because I was literally at the edge of esophugus cancer from GERD. Food was sticking every day in my esophagus. It was awful. That last time it happened was so bad I thought I was going to choke out. So I changed my diet forever on that day.

The world is full of toxic shit sold as if it were awesome and good for you. I listen to Dr. Gundry, Dr. Perlmutter, Dr. Lustig and Dr. Mercola for my breakthrough information on diet and health, as well as Gary Wilson, on addictive issues. The rest of the world seems to be behind the curve on these areas of science.
So glad I found the ways that work for me and the teachers who are in the state of the art. But, I still have to be the one who stays on track. I have to eat right and think right. No one else is going to do that for me. In fact, if you listen to what the food industry tells you, or the FDA, or listen to half the guys on this forum who relapse every other week, you’ll think it’s no big deal and not take it all with deadly seriousness.

I was fortunate to have an excellent mentor when I trained for my concealed carry permit and continued lethal force training. Marty Hayes of Firearms Academy of Seattle taught his students safety but, by example, he taught a lot more. He taught inner strength and character as well as human decency. He showed everyone an example of what being a strong male role model should look like, in practice. His little comments and corrections were often his greatest wisdom for life.

When asked what we should say, if someone in public should see our concealed weapon by accident, his answers were very strong and very direct. “You keep it concealed, and under no circumstance should anyone, under any circumstance, know you have it on your person or where you have it.”

I asked if you could just let the startled person know you were licensed to carry?

His face was absolutely clear, “DON’T... LET IT... HAPPEN.”

For him, it was final. There was no secondary option. This was tantamount to an accidental discharge. He trained us how to never let it happen. That means, never let it happen. It’s a matter of lethal force. He would always yell to us on the range before drawing our weapons, ”PAY ATTENTION. BRAIN CELLS FRONT AND CENTER!”

He was, in other words, saying what Gary Wilson teaches, to think with the prefrontal cortext. Our lives depend on it.

I relate to this when I think of PMO. I recall my mentor’s words and out of respect for his example to me, his concern in teaching me, I act with great care. I take this very seriously, as a way to demonstrate he did not waste his time in educating me. I want to show him through my actions that he reached me, that his arrows of instruction landed on their mark.

What if I feel like I might relapse? What if I have feelings in my little pussy and I want to rub it? “Don’t let it happen.” It truly is a matter life or death for me. A life of freedom from PMO or the death of that freedom.


Congrats on the great accomplishment of reaching 1 month!  Especially while you are also going through a body cleanse/diet change. 

You have some great words of wisdom there especially on the toxic food we eat.  I have been fighting long term Lyme disease that I have had the last decade.  I'll spare you with the list of all the symptoms, but the crippling anxiety, heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat when anxiety kicks in, and panic attacks have just brought me to my knees.  I was always a calm person who even in stressful situations remained calm and level headed but the long term Lyme has so destroyed my immune system that my adrenal glands love pumping adrenaline and cortisol at high levels.  My cortisol levels when tested a few months ago were off the charts.  Though I have always been health conscious and used to workout at the gym for years a few times a week. I was 6'3" and weighed 206 lbs and I had a lot of muscle mass at a low body fat percentage. I had a physique of a natural body builder from the 1950s or early 1960s with a 50 inch chest and 18 1/2 inch upper arms (cold).  I used to bench press 330 lbs multiple sets at 8-10 reps.  My maximum weight bench press was much higher, today even if I could get to the gym I would probably struggle to bench press the 35 to 40 lb bench press bar with no weight on it. I can't lift weights anymore, if I try to I get overheated and breakout into a panic attack with a racing heart rate.  This is because my adrenal glands are so messed up. I have the energy level of a 90 year old man.

I have been following a detox diet which my doctor gave me the last two months, this has helped.  I eliminated sugar a couple of months back when I realized it wasn't helping and with my high cortisol levels my glucose was elevated almost to the pre-diabetic levels.  A week ago I eliminated cheese and am transitioning to partial vegan diet.  I have started eating the last week organic mixed green salads one to two times a day with lots of broccoli sprouts on them. I now snack on fruits, vegetables, and nuts.  I have really gotten sicker the last two years and weighed in at 220 lbs at my peak last summer, I would have weighed a lot more but I would use Dr Mercola's intermittent fasting program for a few days or week when I would start to hit 220 lbs and it would easy push my weight back down to around 210 lbs. I also only drink purified water or bottled Fiji water, I drink around 80 to 100 ounces of it a day, sometimes a little more.  I have gradually realized I really need to eat extremely healthy not just to help in my healing of Lyme but for the rest of my life.  Currently my weight is 188 lbs, and I'll probably just keep eating healthy and see where it drops down to.  19 years ago before I started heavy weight lifting when I went on a pure vegan diet for 1 year, my weight dropped to 170 lbs and I felt great. So thanks for the encouragement to stick with the healthy diet.

Keep up the great work fighting PMO, you are doing great!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: April 02, 2019, 08:31:30 AM »
Thanks Jbow and WIPUK.
Yes, I think it all helps, whether it’s friendships, accountability partners in real life or here or just interacting with other folks on the forum.
It’s a bit early to say for definite yet, but for me, moving from being a “lurker” to actually posting in my own journal and other journals seems to be making a difference.
However, as several people have said, there’s no single magic bullet; we just have to keep developing our skills and applying several measures and techniques to get through this.

Keep trekking everyone.

44 Days Clean


Congrats on 44 days free from PMO.  Your doing great!  Keep up the great work!

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