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Messages - MosesY

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I am a male, age 52, divorced. I was first introduced to porn at age 13. I did not realize it for years but I was addicted to the dopamine rush. I am Christian so I tried to resist it but no luck. Once high speed internet came I was seriously addicted. It really affected my marriage, distancing me from my wife because of feelings of guilt. Lack of communication, no hugging, a hardened heart, etc. Addiction to porn affects your relationship with everyone, not just your wife. It has been 57 days now since I have looked at porn and I have only looked at a little bit twice in the last 6 months. I used to look at porn for several hours every day. I am not addicted any more but still will struggle with occasionally. So far as your question goes yes I do consider it cheating. Any sexual outlet besides sex with your partner is cheating. I suggest meeting with a third party such as a therapist or pastor to discuss this with your husband with a monitor present to make things fair. It will also tend to be more of a discussion rather than a fight. An addiction to porn can be overcome and eventually will greatly improve your marriage.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: March 26, 2020, 08:45:35 PM »
I am 54 days free from porn now. I fell asleep in my recliner in front of the TV about 5:30 and woke up at 8:30. I think I will stay up the rest of the night and watch Netflix. I had a really good week at work this week and am looking forward to the weekend.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: March 07, 2020, 09:02:08 PM »
I am 35 days fee from porn now. I am enjoying life immensely. I say 35 days fee from porn but it is really more like 6 months. In the past 6 months I have looked at 2 little bits of porn, as opposed to looking at porn every night. This has made a tremendous difference in my dopamine levels and thus my enjoyment of life.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: February 29, 2020, 06:33:54 AM »
On Februaty 1 I looked at a little porn. I was not going to reset my counter because it wad such a small relapse but I decided to anyway so now I am 29 days free from porn. I have not spent any of my tax refund on porn. I feel pretty good today, no temptation to look at porn.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: February 18, 2020, 06:00:27 AM »
I am 170 days free from porn now. Things are going well, I am not tempted much to look at porn. Whenever I am tempted I log in here snd read some of the journals and the temptation goes away.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: February 15, 2020, 08:02:26 AM »
Thank you for the kind words. I am 167 days porn free now. I could not do this without help from a higher power. My higher power is the Biblical God. I am not quitting on my own, I have His help. I will receive $1000 tax refund on the 20th and then will be the true test wwhether I can resist the cam girls or not.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: February 08, 2020, 03:41:08 AM »
I am clean for 160 days now. Today i have a bunch of chores and in the afternoon am going to a coin store with my room mate.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Time to stop the lies and take control of my life
« on: February 04, 2020, 08:54:14 AM »
I am divorced because of porn so I understand a little bit about what you are going through. For instance it will take your wife a long time to return your affection again and a long time to trust you. We are talking about years of the relationship getting back to normal. The best thing you can do for your family is totally quit porn permanently. I suggest reading the book "Your Brain on Porn". It explains why everything seems dull and hopeless.

I would also suggest showing your wife affection in various ways. Cook a meal for the family, buy her a single rose or a whole bouquet, hug her frequently if she will let you, wash her car,  etc. All I am saying is if I had done those things I would still be happily married. I don't know your whole story but hope you find this helpful.

Porn is an insidious addiction. The only way to get rid of it is to not look at any and the desire will slowly ease over a long time. The book explains how your brain will change. You are doing well by journaling here. I hope you have a counter on you phone and another thing that helps is social activities. I spend some time every day talking to a friend, whether it is a phone call or in person, and that gives me the good feeling that I used to get from porn without the after affects.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: February 04, 2020, 06:37:22 AM »
I am 156 days clean now. This weekend I plan on  buying a dinner at Chili's and then lighting a lantern and enjoying a nice cigar and a double of Black Velvet to celebrate.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: January 23, 2020, 10:20:51 AM »
I am 144 days clean now. I am home sick today, planning on spending the day watching Netflix and TV. I had my first morning wood this morning, very different.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: January 18, 2020, 05:12:48 AM »
I am clean now for 139 days, over 4 months. Things are going very well currently. I feel better about myself, plus i have a lot more money now that I am not spending it on cam girls.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: October 04, 2019, 06:02:36 AM »
I am not sure how many days I am porn free now. Does it matter? At least a month. I have a different phone now without any counters on it. I am going to put a counter on it this morning. Life is so much better without porn.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: September 13, 2019, 05:32:09 PM »
I am a little twmpted to visit a site right now but I know what that leads to and am able to resist temptation.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: September 04, 2019, 07:18:15 PM »
Thank you for the kind words jixu

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: September 04, 2019, 07:52:42 AM »
I am in  a good place today. Just watching Netflix and relaxing.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: July 17, 2019, 03:52:53 AM »
I relapsed some this weekend. I reset my timer and am on day 3 now, The thing I found out is that porn no longer holds an attraction for me, it doesn't turn me on like it used to, I see how fake it is. There was no specific trigger. I think it will be a long time before I am tempted to look at it again.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 30, 2019, 02:20:52 AM »
I am a male, I do not feel it is my place to respond here, but this really hits home with me. I was born Amish and taught to be non-resistant. One time in elementary school when it was snowy outside some kids beat up on me too, pushing me down in the snow punching me and kicking me. I was taught that resisting is wrong and if my dad found out I was in a fight at school (no matter the blame) I would have gotten a whipping at home. This is the first time I ever told anyone about it.

This place is where school shootings come from. People are bullied and feel helpless and it's the only way to get revenge.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 24, 2019, 05:05:34 AM »
99 days clean now. The other day I was really tempted to go visit a site again but various things such as my blocker kept me from it. I am not counting it as a relapse because I never actually did anything and came to my senses. After being without porn for so long it no longer holds the appeal for me that it used to.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 16, 2019, 02:46:06 AM »
Today is 90 days freedom from porn. Could not have done this without God's work in my heart, the book "Your Brain on Porn", and the help I received on this site.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 15, 2019, 05:05:05 AM »
Today is day 89. I went from visiting a porn site every day to almost 90 days freedom from porn. It would not have been possible without God changing my heart and I give Him the glory for that. Today I am doing laundry and grocery shopping then the rest of the day is for relaxing. I have an old Coleman iron I plan on messing around with today and I have the lantern that was my dad's lantern I plan on lighting today and tomorrow in honor of my father.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:28:22 AM »
I appreciate the encouragement. Sunday I wil celebrate 90 days freedom from porn and 86 days freedom from alcohol. An old girlfriend messaged me today and sent me a friend request saying she forgives me. I hope to be able to talk things over with her and gradually over a period of time possibly get back together. The timing is really amazing; 90 days freedom from porn and contact with an old girlfriend on the same weekend.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 12, 2019, 02:13:54 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement. I am 86 days clean now.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 11, 2019, 01:19:08 AM »
I am 85 days free from porn now. Sunday will be 90 days. Hard to believe, that went very fast. I used to get drunk every night and look at chat rooms and isolating myself. I could not have done it without God's help. Some things that also helped are my journal here and the counter on my phone. I plan on celebrating Sunday. I feel very good about myself right now.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 09, 2019, 03:11:08 AM »
83 days clean now. I have a strong urge to look at porn this morning but I will resist. I am writing a letter to a pen pal. Later on today I will light some of my lanterns, smoke a cigar, and drink nonalcoholic beer.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: June 07, 2019, 02:39:56 AM »
I am 81 days porn free now. This weekend I have to work Saturday morning, plan on working on a lantern in the afternoon and writing a letter to a pen pal.

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