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Messages - blueRaccoon

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76
Ages 20-29 / Re: Now or never
« on: February 08, 2019, 06:38:54 AM »
I must stop thinking about pleasure.

A better idea would be to focus your thoughts and actions on something productive you would like to do. The days I have made myself a slave to my work are the days best spent of my life. These are usually my most productive days and I feel at peace.

77
Ages 20-29 / Re: Connecting the dots ( This year i will change)
« on: February 08, 2019, 06:28:58 AM »
Welcome man. You did the right thing by joining the forum. Having people who share similar experiences helps a lot. Keep us updated about your journey ;)

78
Ages 20-29 / Re: Now or never
« on: February 08, 2019, 06:18:40 AM »
Keep at it brother. You can do it.  :)

79
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 08, 2019, 05:57:22 AM »
DAY #14

Clean with sudden flashbacks.

Last night I had sudden flashbacks of the P. I was troubled for a while but got control of myself soon. The morning was a bit dull and the dull mood prevailed throughout the day. I wasn't able to get much of the things done but I did the exercise and I am happy about that. The day was sure rough and could have been disastrous. I have to be more careful from now on.

80
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 08, 2019, 05:45:42 AM »
Nice job, man! Almost 2 weeks, you're doing great! It's nice that you start to see things your brain was trying to hide from you. It will help you further along the line!

Stay strong and clean, you're right on the path :)

Thanks!! 3 days to go to reach 2 weeks of sobriety.  ;D

81
Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« on: February 07, 2019, 07:16:06 AM »
I've been practicing something new the last few days. I realized that I have been using my walks around school to look at women. There are lots all around, and I've been using my single status as an excuse to look. But I'm not looking because I'm actually going to ask any of them out or anything. They're just strangers on the street. I'm just looking to look.

So, in the last few days, I've been saying to myself, "It doesn't matter," sometimes out loud, when I feel my eyes wandering to a woman that I'm walking by. Because, you know, it doesn't matter. Even if she's the most attractive person in the world, it doesn't matter because it's not a situation where I'd talk to her. It's not like I'd run into her again. It's not like I'm looking at her for any reason other than my porn addiction. So I just tell myself it doesn't matter. I don't have to look.

It's been helpful for me. I'm not missing out if I don't look. It really doesn't matter. Telling myself that a few times every day has helped me realize how much my porn-addicted eyes were active even during the day and even on days when I thought I was staying away from porn-related behaviors. I've spent a lot less time this week staring pointlessly at the women who walk past me every day, and I think that's a good step forward.

Great step man. We do need to learn to differentiate between our normal behavior and the compulsion induced behavior. Glad to hear what you did. I'll be careful about my behaviors and sure gonna try saying-out-aloud to myself the next time I do something compulsively.

82
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 07, 2019, 07:07:39 AM »
DAY #13

Clean with no cravings.

Slept well. No random thoughts troubling me. I have started to have some insights about my behavior and usual day-to-day actions. I never really paid any attention to them earlier but now I am able to easily notice them. It feels like my brain is always on alert to watch out for anything which "I SHOULD BE DOING BUT I AM AVOIDING" and one slight hint from the brain is enough to get me doing it most of the time. The next step is to make a schedule and get all the important things done which need dedicated time slots.
The rest of the day was normal, I was a bit productive as I was doing what I should have done.
Looking forward to the next day!

83
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 07, 2019, 06:49:41 AM »
@Rebooter2019, Exactly!! Now the junky brain has to learn the lessons. It really feels better to get some things sorted out. Though there are many lessons and sorting which need to be done, I'll get them one at a time. I have noticed that when I put an end to one debate/problem in my head, another one pops up but it's not something unnecessary as these might be the issues which were fueling my addiction. Getting rid of them feels like taking a step closer to the freedom we desire.

@Riki, frustration is gone for now. I guess it would be an on-and-off thing for a while. I appreciate your advice. Gonna flow with the motion of life.

84
Ages 20-29 / Re: Journey to a better me
« on: February 06, 2019, 06:21:52 AM »
2/5/19

Feeling really fucking confused and lost right now, I’m really pissed off at how fucking complicated everything in life, it seems I’m making good progress then something comes out of nowhere and fucks me up, god I’m so done, not that anyone cares about this log anyways, everything just feels meaningless!

Brother, I am sorry about how you feel. Things will be alright, just stay there, be strong and fight it out. There will be ups and downs for sure but that's how life is supposed to be. We just gotta learn to ride the tides.  :)

85
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 06, 2019, 06:14:29 AM »
Thanks @BlueHeronFan. And thanks to everyone showing their support. It's awesome to not feel alone anymore!!

Day 5 has been a clean day even though pretty much every feeling are still being muffle up. I got triggered by something at the job and reacted in an angry manner, but barely feel angry even happiness was muffled.

Except that nothing special. I did everything I planned to do. So I would say it's a good day even if it feel like nothing.

We can do it everyone, we have to keep going forward!!

Keep getting the good days and we'll all be successful. ;D

86
Ages 20-29 / Re: I need to change.
« on: February 06, 2019, 06:10:30 AM »
Unfortunately yesterday I was very close to relapse on porn which brought me the old feeling of frustration.

I was deactivating browsers that were without porn site blockers and when I was doing some tests I went into a porn site. I looked at the videos on the homepage like a junkie picking up his favorite drug and feeling it before opening it.

Luckily I managed to leave the site without watching any video and finish making the changes on my computer to make it more secure.

I blocked my computers even to access non-explicit content such as youtube and other sites.

Of course gaps will be possible to be found but this time it will be more difficult.

It's okay man. You stopped yourself and didn't give up, that's what matters. Keep up the effort.  :)

87
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 06, 2019, 06:02:43 AM »
DAY #12

Clean with cravings and a hell lot of frustration.

I was frustrated for the entire day and there were cravings. I feel the frustration is a result of the right decisions I have to make from now on and also because of my struggle against it. Today was the 9th clean day. The initial days were a bit easy as I have gotten rid of the major source of P (smartphone) but I guess 9 days is the maximum I could go without putting an effort. The cravings and frustration was a sign that I have to change whether I feel like it or not. The laziness I carry as my cape has to go.
I got two voices in my head and I have to obey the right one no matter what!!

This is where my life begins.

88
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 06, 2019, 05:46:15 AM »
@blueRacoon Yeah, I know how it feels like... sorry that that you have to feel it too.

I manage to push myself to do the thing that I normally have a passion for like training and nutrition. Thought, I've made these two an habit long time before entering this periode so that help alot. Meditation is fairly new for me so it can be a struggle from time to time, but I feel slightly better after a session.

But, I have trouble to go to school and study and anything outside my habits right now ans it really sucks, because I have still so much left to do!

But man!!! We can do it, we have to stay strong and like I've read in a journal(don't remember which one though sorry!) Sometimes, we have to act like robot and do things mechanically in order to have a productive day.

Thanks @Rebooter2019. I hope to get over this phase soon. I need to control my emotions lest they control me.

89
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 05, 2019, 06:30:20 AM »
DAY #11

Clean with no cravings but not much progress.

Trouble sleeping!! My mind won't stop. All the random thoughts keep popping in my head. Just like yesterday, I didn't attend the class. I woke up but convinced myself to try to sleep again. I wasn't able to sleep and my mind started searching for the P inside my head. I immediately got off the bad and to the study table like yesterday. I skipped Exercising and meditation today. The random thoughts which were confined to bad time only have started to appear in the day too. I am doing something else but my mind keeps on wandering everywhere else. The rest of the day was a bit dull for me. I haven't been doing anything at all and it sucks!!

90
Ages 20-29 / Re: Rakses Reboot - I want to be free
« on: February 04, 2019, 07:30:58 AM »
DAY 6 - TRY 2
It am full of psychological disturbance. My head hurts. So much thought that it cause almost a physical pain for me. I feel horrible. My Yoga session helped me a bit. I feel urges coming to me... I try to look deep into myself I keep asking myself questions "do I need this" "why I seek for that" I begin to see a distance from myself and this sexual thoughts. I hope I will sustain. :)

My healthy habits start to collapse I start to eat junk food, I missed my calisthenics exercise, I returned to coffee. Is it a price that I have to pay to have energy to fight with addiction? Can someone help me and explain that? Thank you Good Soul

Bless you guys, love y'all

I totally agree with what @Rebooter2019 has said. The brain is trying to trick you in going back to P. Be aware of this!! You can make a contingency plan for such situations. For now, Stay strong man, go exercise a bit, calm yourself and you'll get through this.

91
Ages 20-29 / Re: Return to Nature
« on: February 04, 2019, 07:17:48 AM »
It is day 50. Great. The flatline is gone I think, I feel back to NoFap normal which means I feel energetic and ready to take the world on. Here is something I've noticed about having all of this masculine juice stored up inside; I am attracted to girls, but I am more able to control myself and treat them like human beings. Not outlets of gratification. Like a man who has trained himself to fight and could annihilate anyone in physical combat who prefers to be peaceful. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the kingdom of or in Jordan Peterson's take on the line: Blessed are those who have swords and the strength to use them, but will not unless necessary. Power over one's desires and lusts - self-discipline, qualities that come with denying oneself the cheap and destructive pleasure that comes with that most false of friends Pornography.

My skin has gotten a lot better; I used to have trouble with spots and pimples especially on my nose which was no fun for a self-conscious young lad. I can only think of one spot I have had on my face the last fifty days. Had I known that my skin would clear up, and gain a healthy reddish glow I imagine I would have had the fortitude to get on the right path years ago. I am walking my dog in ten minutes and looking forward to it. I walked him yesterday and found the park more beautiful than ever before. When I was wanking my base happiness was about a four eg. my general mood was low and being sad seemed normal and even natural. The world was often blue. Now my base happiness is about a seven. I have this peace and positivity brimming out of my inner well. I am improving my life and my relationships. Now imagine if I had gone the other way after the 15th of December 2018, if I had sunk into despair and ever deeper into the pit that is porn. I can write this without fear of falsehood: my life would be worse and possibly hellish.

I still get nervous when I think of sex. I am still afraid that I will lose my erection when with a woman again. But that's healthy because it's another line of defence against the legions of videos out there on the incognito tab.

Congrats man!! Keep on going. 8)

92
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 04, 2019, 06:55:49 AM »
DAY #10

Clean with no cravings.

The start of the day wasn't good. I was not mentally prepared for the classes in the early morning and my mind kept of talking for the whole night. I wasn't able to sleep properly. The alarm went off in the morning. I woke up but didn't really felt like attending the classes. There was a struggle in mind as to attend the class or not and I ended up staying. I wasn't able to sleep after that. I was laying in the bed wide awake and feeling bad. My brain was hinting me "Hey, you are feeling bad, why don't you watch porn and relieve yourself". As soon as I noticed this thought popping up I got off the bed and to my study table and started studying. Later in the morning, I exercised and meditated for while which I was planning to do for a while. The rest of the day was good.

I think the problem with the classes is not necessarily the timing but something else. I gotta work on-
1. The habit of chasing perfection
2. My Fear of failure
3. Approval seeking behavior
One at a time.

93
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 04, 2019, 06:20:17 AM »
Thank you @BlueHeronFan, @Rebooter2019, @Rakses for the support. You all have the right words of wisdom for me. Lifestyle changes, No dead time and loving myself!! I'll incorporate these three into the plan.  :)

94
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 03, 2019, 07:24:25 AM »
DAY #9

Wet dreams!! Clean without much of craving.

I feel like the entire night was filled with multiple wet dreams and I was a bit worried when I woke up as whenever I have had wet dreams in past I ended up giving in to the craving in the day. But fortunately, I was able to control myself today. I have been getting the clean days, today is the 6th day but I don't feel like I have worked much on myself specifically the lifestyle. I am yet to take steps to improve my lifestyle. Monday would definitely bring challenges for me. I have to wake up early to attend some classes. I usually reach the classes half asleep and late and later feel I don't have control over my life. Gotta change this!!

95
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 03, 2019, 07:03:11 AM »
Your very welcome @blueRacoon. It's always a pleasure to share thoughts that may help to someone that may benefit from it :)

The last part of your first point is all me, because as most girl that I know they almost all think that I have a huge sexlife and a lot of girls that sleep with. I ask once to a girl why is that so and she reponded: "Well, the way you talk to girls". I was kind of flattered, because I'm coming from a completely alone background. So knowing that she covertly said " you know how to speak to girl" Boost my ego on one end, but in fact I don't have any relationship or FF, because of my PIED make it drop... We just have to be patient. I can't do anything, so I don't step up and try anything and after I dream of having a real relationship with her and making Love and everything. It's something I have to work on, but it not easy. Usually, anything that worth it is not easy.

For your thought, during a Reboot your brain is all messed up and try to provoke you so you feel lost and then send you urges and try to get you. In my case my brain try to use logic against me, I never ask him to do it he just do it. Don't attach to much importance to all these thought that you have right now. Because of the P they're still to strong and may cause a relapse. Try to sort these if you still have them 2-3 month in the reboot. Now your in the phase weakening of the aberrent reward circuit after enough weakening come the rewirering.

Continue like that though already 8 days, keep at it!!

Thanks man!! I'll be patient and will earn it with the hardwork. I think you're right about these thought taking much of the space in my brain, would replace to fill it much important work from now on.

96
Ages 20-29 / Re: Reboot on 24 Jan 19
« on: February 02, 2019, 07:57:32 AM »
Its been a week since I've updated, so here is the log:

Day 1 - 6: Clean
Day 7: Relapsed

On 7th day I thought to give myself some reward for going a week clean. So while looking at P (after abstaining of 6 days) I started noticing how fake the it is. How far off it is from the real. I wasn't getting the urge to fap to this, but because I was halfway through I fapped anyway. I thought the consequence would not be much. The day that followed, my concentration level was low and I could not focus and work. I have wasted the day binge watching.

The first 6 days were good. They were productive. Now I will try to go clean atleast for 2 weeks. Finger crossed.

It's a journey and there will be a few setbacks what matter is you continuing on the road.
When I relapse, I know that the day would be wasted if I keep on returning to porn for feeling bad about the relapse itself. I throw my device away and try either go out of the house for a walk or just to sleep. Walking in nature and/or talking to a friend has saved me many times when I am on the verge of relapsing.
Obviously, it all happens if I have not turned into porn consuming zombie post relapse. There have been some days when even knowing all the above stated I have given up to porn.  I am hoping to create a ritual for 1. When I have intense urges and 2. To get control of myself if I relapse. So that I do not have to think about what to do in the two circumstances.
Do whatever works for you.  ;D


97
Ages 20-29 / Re: My Reboot Journal
« on: February 02, 2019, 07:33:05 AM »
Welcome to the community man!!
I am glad to know that you have improved yourself a bit, have friends and are enjoying longer streaks. I am looking forward to catching up to you. Do help us with your insights.
All the best for your journey. ;)

98
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 02, 2019, 07:23:22 AM »
DAY #8

Clean with No craving.

The day has been good so far but I  am feeling a bit low on energy and a bit anxious.
Yesterday, I had read a comment about approval seeking behavior and casual sexual encounters with a heavy price attached to it. I sort of recognized the approval seeking behavior of mine. I do look good and often I am being checked out by girls. Getting the attention always felt good but what I don't like is me being overly obsessed with it and continuously looking for "so-called attention" when there really is nothing. It messes up with my thoughts and I end up behaving awkwardly or in a way, I shouldn't have.
The general cases that I have noticed-
1. When we both are attracted to each other - I do not try talking to her or take any step and end up behaving awkwardly. Generally, in  this case, the sex is not a priority and I start to dream of "LOVE" and the relationship we can have.
2. When the girl is attracted to me - I start to think about the casual sexual favor I can have? and feel like I have the supremacy and end up degrading the other person.
For the entire day, I have refrained from doing anything which would lead me to think "Yeah, I look good, that girl thinks I look good, she might give me no strings attached intercourse I dream of". Not getting the "regular approval" I used to get might be the reason I am feeling a bit low for the entire day.
It is messed up as I do not know what I want, on one hand, I believe the understanding, mutual trust, love is important in a relationship and here sex part comes after this. And on other hand, I constantly seek casual sexual intercourse which has nothing to with the feeling and blah blah. Probably the idea of casual sexual favors is a result of constantly consuming the porn.

Hoping that the upcoming days would shed some lights on this issue.

99
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 02, 2019, 06:41:45 AM »
Hey blueRacoon,

I really hope you gonna a find work that passionnate you, since you love to research stuff I wish you the best, it's awesome to have a passion and I think it may help you on your journey here!

For the reboot, from what I've read and seen in everything related to Porn addiction or any addiction whatsoever is that it messed up the reward circuit. By swiping profile you flood your brain with dopamine which as if you were looking to porn, because it activate the same circuit in the same way. I've notice that when I was doing something similare to what you've been doing, that I was on the verge of a relapse.

Everything dating apps, facebook, youtube, instagram snapchat, etc... are all substitute that you should try to absting as much as possible. 'Cause they all trigger a big dopamine response and every girl you will see on these or really any virtual platform hinder your recovery by a large amount. Maybe, and I really mean maybe, not as much as porn, but still enough to not worth it. Plus, it's playing with fire.

Now, I'm much more aware of that as a warning sign to get busy and/or concentrated on something else as much as I can. I started meditating a month ago and it really help to get rid of all undesirable thought as they rise.

Hope it may help you,
Stay strong

Thanks @rebooter2019, I'll keep that in mind.
Yesterday, I read a comment on some other post (not able to find it right now) which talked about "seeking approval from women" and that casual sexual encounters come with a huge price attached to it. I think I was definitely looking for casual sexual favors and have tried to notice the approval seeking behavior and have started to control it.
I liked your view that such thoughts are warning signs to get busy and/or concentrate on something else and I would be practicing it from now on.
Looking forward for more insights from you.  :)

100
Ages 20-29 / Re: Sailing the tides to reach the an island called Life
« on: February 01, 2019, 06:44:48 AM »
DAY #7

The first thing to put the log for Day #1 to Day #6
Day #1 - 26th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #2 - 27th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #3 - 28th January 2019 - Relapsed
Day #4 - 29th January 2019 - Clean / started using a brick phone.
Day #5 - 30th January 2019 - Clean
Day #6 - 31st January 2019 - Clean

Day #4 to #6 were clean as
1. I started using a brick phone (though I still have an internet connection on my laptop)
2. Was busy for the days as had some wedding to attend.
3. Was not alone.

Day #7
I am not having the cravings yet. However, I have compulsively used the dating websites-created a profile, swiped, and deleted the profile- It might be acting as a substitute. Recently, I have noticed myself desiring a relationship for PIV only and for that my brain always keeps on pointing me the girls. I feel like it's not healthy to focus on the PIV so much that the other person vanishes and only the PIV remains but at the same time, my brain argues that a "STANDARD RELATIONSHIP" before PIV would take a long time. It's a continuous fight in my brain - PIV vs good old healthy relationship.

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