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Messages - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: August 18, 2019, 09:10:39 AM »
Nice going WiP,
Being away from home for work is always difficult I find, so to get through it with the recovery still ok is an achievement. Enjoy your vacation!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: August 18, 2019, 09:06:53 AM »
Good work JoePanic,
You’ve made great progress and are at the position I would like to be. I’m still struggling with slips but your post definitely helps me to see where I should be aiming and that it is possible to get there.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: August 03, 2019, 09:02:24 AM »
Thanks for your post Switched-off.
Yes, exactly it’s that 10% or even 1% of the time that’s the problem. I guess the first level protection helps because I have to do a number of specific actions to access anything remotely porn-like so the fleeting temptation isn’t going to snare me. The second level of protection by mindfulness, filling my life with good activities etc I’m hoping is gradually increasing my ability to not step into the slippery funnel.
We are about to go on holiday so the stress of work has abated and I’ve set things up so that I shouldn’t be able to access porn anyway but I’m hoping the rest and healthy activities will help to keep me on the right path.

Keep trekking everyone.

7 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 30, 2019, 03:38:52 AM »
Feeling a little flat at the moment. Work has calmed down a bit, but I still need to focus.
As far as the reboot is concerned I feel I regularly have streaks of varying lengths followed by relapses, which is in itself a habit and, from what I’ve read is a repeated sequence that is difficult to break out from. I’m early on in this streak and I know from previous experience that the mood swings etc will hit later on, so I need to be prepared.
Also my wife is frequently down and I think has low self esteem. She has had other problems in her life but I can’t help feeling that my moodiness, lethargy and lack of libido have also played their part.

Anyway, enough grumbling and whinging. I must press on, at least I’m........

3 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot take two
« on: July 30, 2019, 03:05:50 AM »
Hi Switched-off,
Yes, get straight back on the wagon! This was just a glitch and generally you’re heading in the right direction. I know it is so frustrating, because we know what to do but the pesky compulsion can catch us off guard.
Anyway, there are enough success stories on this site to show us that we are doing the right thing and can overcome PMO.
Stay strong!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 27, 2019, 09:50:59 AM »
Thanks for the support Switched-off and WiPUk.

I’ve had a few slips the last week or so, but I’ m now on more of an even keel. Lots of stress and travel for work may have contributed. All the routines, processes and safeguards I have in place work to an extent but sometimes I get thrown off course. Reading other journals here it looks like others have similar experiences. I guess I need to just keep working at keeping the right mind-set whatever else is going on in my life.

Fortunately, some of the problems at work have been  alleviated recently, so I’m hoping that keeping on track may become a little easier for a while.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 15, 2019, 03:22:35 AM »
Thanks Switched-off.

Almost had a couple of slips over the weekend. It was the usual scenario, allowed myself to be left on my own, on one of the occasions late at night and a little irritable, without a real plan of what I was going to do. Mercifully, the IT controls I have in place were, this time, just enough for me to recover my composure and escape. Also knowing I’m aiming to take part in some sporting events over the next couple of weeks was a help.
A positive result, but I still feel a little triggered this morning so will do some reading and meditation before starting work.

Keep up the good fight everybody.

16 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: July 15, 2019, 03:02:41 AM »
120 Days. Nice work Jixu. Thanks for continuing to post. It helps the rest of us to see that someone else has managed to make so much progress.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Master Of Puppet
« on: July 15, 2019, 02:57:26 AM »
Well done on the pb Harpoon! Yep everything can be better without PMO. Doing real activities like the run bring us into the real world and help us escape the clutches of the addiction. I also find regular exercise and, if possible, social activities help calm my mental ups and downs during withdrawal.
You’re doing well-stick with it!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 11, 2019, 01:03:53 PM »
Thanks Switched-off,

Not much to report. Just sticking to the routine. Noticed I was restless and slightly triggered this morning so I read some of the posts in the Success Stories section. That helped get stay focused on my goals.

12 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot take two
« on: July 09, 2019, 03:49:26 AM »
Good work Switched-off. Looks like a good move to delete the cam-site.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 06, 2019, 06:58:23 AM »
Going smoothly at the moment. Back into the routine of mindfulness, reading up on YBOP etc. Two extra improvements which I hope will also help me are that I’ve joined a sociable sporting group in the last few weeks and I’ve also found an improvement to the way I organise my work which, although it’s early days, seems to help me stay calmer and more focused. We’ll see.

Stay strong everyone.

7 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: All for one goal: stop PMO for good
« on: July 06, 2019, 06:48:53 AM »
Nice work Allforone. Keep it going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: All for one goal: stop PMO for good
« on: July 02, 2019, 02:12:47 AM »
Nice to see things are heading in the right direction, Allforone. Keep going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot take two
« on: July 01, 2019, 02:51:19 AM »
Good luck for week two.
Yes, I find my longest streaks are when I’m disciplined with the mindfulness, reading from YBOP and generally looking after myself.
I’ve seen a quote to the effect that if you are not working on your recovery you’re working on your next relapse and I think it may be true for where we are at the moment.
Stay strong!

Hi jjacks. Many thanks for coming back every now and then. It reminds those of us still stuck in the early stages of recovery that there is a way out of the hole we’ve slipped into.

And yes.... it’s never just two minutes for a quick fix!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: July 01, 2019, 02:36:38 AM »
Many thanks for the encouragement and input Switched-off. I think you’re probably right because however good the protection there is always a way through or round it in the end. Ultimately, I have to control myself and avoid letting the chimp dictate my actions. I can let him scream and holler, but have to learn to successfully apply the tricks and techniques to avoid sliding into the pit.
So yes, mindfulness and keeping on an even keel emotionally is very important.

June was a pretty catastrophic month for lapses. I’m working to make July a lot better.

Keep trekking everyone.

Two days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
« on: June 30, 2019, 03:12:55 AM »
Well done, Patrick. Keep going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: June 30, 2019, 02:29:42 AM »
Six months! Nice job WiPUK. Keep doing the things you’re doing.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: June 29, 2019, 08:40:11 AM »
 Thanks for your support Jixu.

So in terms of work, my trip was Ok but I slipped during the week and when I got home on Friday.

Although I know the theory of the various actions to take when I’m triggered I find it very hard to apply them when I’m on the brink of a slip. The “chimp” part of the brain shouts down the rational part that’s telling me that I really don’t want to do PMO.
I’ve applied passcodes to the settings that control the content restrictions of my devices and made sure I don’t memorise them. I thought the fact that I have to hunt down the passcodes would give me enough time to come to my senses, but that doesn’t always work. Once I’ve started looking for them it seems I’m already sliding uncontrollably to a lapse.

I had a good streak of 77 days earlier in the year, but have been struggling to get into double figures during the last month and really want to find a way of crawling out of the swamp I’m currently in. A lot of pressure and stress at work isn’t helping the situation.

I guess one extra layer of short-term protection I can give myself is to send the passcodes to someone else and then delete any records I have of them. If I need to change any settings for legitimate reasons I would contact the holder who could send the codes to me after at least twenty four hours.

Of course I still need to work on the other strands of the process: replacing PMO with wholesome activities, mindfulness, educating myself on the brain science of PMO addiction, generally looking after myself and keeping disciplined. I feel I’ve made some progress with these but I still haven’t been able to tip the scales in favour of staying clean from PMO permanently or at least for prolonged periods.

Keep trekking everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 30yearsgone Journal
« on: June 28, 2019, 01:40:42 PM »
Hi 30Years,
Just to add to Bob’s comments. There is a guy who I think is called jjacks or something similar who occasionally comes back just to encourage everybody. He’s been clean for a few years.

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:06:13 AM »
Stick with it WIPUK, there are several of us cheering you on from the sidelines.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:02:58 AM »
I’m away next week for a few days for work, so will prepare the usual safeguards and make sure I have plenty of positive activities to do in the evenings. It will be stressful but my aim is to be aware of my mood and meditate and take plenty of exercise to stay on an even keel.
I realise that during my last long streak I definitely experienced stress and became quite miserable, grumpy and morose. Some of this is attributable to my work situation which is difficult at the moment but I think also probably to withdrawal symptoms from staying away from porn. Knowing this in advance, I hope, will help me deal with it.
Anyway 12 Days Clean
Stay strong everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: June 19, 2019, 06:53:14 AM »
Thanks for your support Jixu!
So I’m back on the wagon. I had a few days away with some old friends with no possibility of PMO, as I was busy and constantly in company, so that helped take the pressure off me for the a while.
After my recent relapse, I’ve added the routine of reading a section of YBOP website before I start work on most days. It’s kind of reassuring that there is a lot of scientific information on our problem and good ideas on how to break the bad habit. I think with repeated reading the ideas will stick better in my mind and I should be able to apply them when I get triggered. When I’ve had good streaks before it seems to involve doing a little, almost daily reading or research.
Sometimes my lapses or relapses seem to occur when I’ve not been thinking at all about PMO and have let the research and discipline of posting here and mindfulness slip for a few days. Then, when I get triggered I’m unprepared for it. It’s almost as if I have forgotten about the problem so my defences are down.
Anyway I’m 10 Days Clean
Keep trekking everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: June 11, 2019, 03:56:01 PM »
Hey Jixu, very well done on the 90 Days. Keep it going!

and I think I know part of the reason for this-people are too embarrassed to come back after lapsing, people are too afraid they are letting other people down if they admit a stumble

Good observation, yes that’s me! I don’t think I was under the impression I had it all worked out but my latest run of lapses is longer than I anticipated and yes I do feel embarrassed. I will post again in my own thread and like you I encourage others in my position to do the same and stay with the process.

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