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Messages - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 25, 2019, 01:38:27 PM »
Hi Joepanic, looks like you had a good victory the other night by backing away from the temptation even though you were on the brink! Probably indicates you are successfully reprogramming your brain.
But as Prodigal son says, we must never drop our guard.
Keep up the good work!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 24, 2019, 04:32:30 PM »
Hi Rex, WIPUK, Jbow,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. They really help. I’ll post more in a day or two.
Keep up the good fight.

11 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot - on steroids
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:22:07 PM »
Yes, good luck jj07. Looks like you’re doing fine. Keep at it!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 22, 2019, 06:19:07 PM »
Hi jj07! Thanks for your well-written post. I agree with all your points. It took me a long time to bite the bullet and start journaling, and it’s too early to say definitively that it’s going to make a really big difference but it feels like it’s helping. Certainly, I’ve read in several other places that it’s a strong tool to use.

Yes I think vigilance is crucial. I do have to keep coming back here and YBOP to remind myself that I’m still a work in progress. On other occasions I’ve thought, “Hey, I’m OK, I’m not missing PMO at all, I haven’t had  any strong urges for quite a while.” Then, maybe a couple of days later, suddenly, out of the blue, CRASH! I foolishly find some pretext for looking at something I shouldn’t, and I’m gone!

So, as well as reminding myself every day or two of my intention of being free of PMO and also keeping “safety straps” in place to make it difficult to access eye candy, soft porn or hard porn without deliberate effort, I’m also trying to do more worthwhile activities for self improvement. I guess, it’s all part of “Project BigMog.” I’m beginning to read more books, either physical or on Kindle, fiction and non-fiction, but avoiding just browsing on pc or tablet in case I get diverted where I don’t want to go. I’m in gradual training for various running activities. I also have a few other minor hobbies. An important point for me is that these aren’t just distraction activities, to make me avoid porn or to fill in the time when I would otherwise be using porn, they’re activities I feel are worthwhile in themselves and for which I have goals and targets.They are part of what I hope is a positive upward cycle of improvement.

That probably all sounds a bit self centred, but of course by doing these things and weaning myself off PMO, it will also make me, I hope, more stable, happy and therefore attentive to my family. So I guess my motivation is to be a better husband, dad and generally more accomplished all round.

Keep trekking everyone!

9 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 20, 2019, 06:04:35 AM »
So far so good, though I’m aware I must not let my guard down. I’m keeping busy, continuing to journal and I spend a few minutes each day either reading other RN journals or good information on YBOP etc. I have a few precautions in place to try to prevent the absent-minded slips caused by moments of weakness.

I haven’ t talked about this before on the forum but in terms of my libido, I have some MW intermittently, but also PIED. My wife is not too concerned about this as, for health reasons and menopause etc, sex for her is not a priority at all, although she likes affection and cuddles etc. This used to upset me and I got into a vicious cycle of PMO, not being able to perform with my wife, then more PMO. The worry that I may not have sex again in the marriage would really gnaw at me. (I really didn’t and still don’t want to inflict the damage on the family and others by having an affair or indulging in other risky behaviour. In the end, despite our ups and downs, I love my wife).

Strangely, now, I’m less bothered, more philosophical about sex. Maybe it’s my age and a declining libido anyway, or may be I’ve just acclimatised to the situation in which I find myself. I just don’t want to be in the thrall of PMO and continue to experience all the misery, wasted time and low self esteem it has caused me. If it happens that after several months of no PMO, things improve in the bedroom, then that would be a wonderful bonus, but beating the addiction and having a richer life is my priority.

Anyway, enough of my self-indulgent ramblings!

We all have a journey to continue. Keep trekking, stay on the wagon!

7 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: January 18, 2019, 04:28:55 PM »
Hey Rex, Hope you’re doing OK. Keep up the good fight!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 18, 2019, 04:22:33 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement Jbow!

Still trekking along. Not much to report: no urges to speak of.  I’m still a little lethargic, probably as a result of still needing to recover and catch up with some sleep after my last binge.

I’ve managed to set up restrictions on my iPad with a passcode that takes some effort to recover. I’m hoping this will reduce the possibility of the occasional slip and binge that, in the past, I’ve just fallen into without thinking.

I aim to keep busy, keep vigilant and fill my life with good activities.

Keep going everybody!

5 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: 43 year old tired of pmo
« on: January 17, 2019, 03:05:24 PM »
Hi Jbow, 3 weeks sounds like a good start. I’m sure the flu thing will pass and life will be better in the future. There are so many tips and tricks in the journals and on YBOP website. As you say: Stay strong. We’re all with you.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Making Recovery my #1 Priority
« on: January 17, 2019, 02:54:49 PM »
Hi PF58, Thanks for sharing your journal. There’s helpful information in your posts.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 16, 2019, 03:36:10 PM »
Not much to report. I’ve been busy with work, no temptations so far, but early days. Trying to make the best use of any free time I have. Family, exercise and reading are the main priorities when not working at the moment.

Keep up the good fight everyone!

3 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Time To Make A Change
« on: January 14, 2019, 03:16:44 PM »
Hi Discobolus,

I agree with Pcpowder about posting often. My slips tend to coincide with when I’ve not been reading on this site or others for a few days and more recently when I didn’t make the time to post here.

Looks to me you’re heading in the right direction-keep at it!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 14, 2019, 02:56:11 PM »
Monday: back at work. The day went OK and I made some progress on the projects I’m involved with. Feeling rather jaded now. Just once or twice, I experienced slight flash-backs and my mind beginning to wander vaguely into the idea of thinking about accessing porn but I noted it and was easily able to just move on.

I want to make the most of each day, rather than waiting for them to pass until I build up a streak.

Keep up the good fight everybody.

1 Day Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 13, 2019, 02:56:26 PM »
Hi Santi, Hi Rex,

Many thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I really appreciate them and it's great to know there are guys out there cheering for me. In the real world, for me, it's impossible to find appropriate people to discuss this with, so being able to journal on this forum and get some feedback is a great relief.

Santi-welcome to Reboot nation! I take your point about self esteem and emotions. I think if we are in a "bad place" psychologically it will make us more susceptible to PMO or other addictions.

Rex-yes I'm determined to be back on the wagon. I like the video game comparison; sometimes in video games (I'm more familiar with the obstacle course on WII fit than Super Mario) it takes a few attempts to work out how to get past the same pitfall and I think it can be the same in the reboot!

 Let's keep trekking!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 12, 2019, 05:38:05 PM »
Hi joepanic,
Rex is right, great work!

I've recently "fallen off the horse," but only temporarily, I hope.
I should have followed your "post often" mantra more thoroughly; it probably would have helped.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 12, 2019, 05:24:39 PM »
Hi Rex, Many thanks for your encouraging post! Unfortunately, I was just about to add the paragraphs below to my journal when I saw you'd posted.

So, I got to Day 16 then had a fairly major slip of several hours PMO. The working week which I was concerned about went just about OK, but arriving back very late from abroad to the house where the rest of the family were in bed, I let my guard down.  >:(
I'm trying to assess what went wrong so I can try to avoid this situation in future. A slip like this is a fairly familiar story for me.

When I had my 66 day run this time last year I think part of the success was due to daily visits to RN and YBOP etc which reminded me every day of my commitment to this journey. In the last week, although I ensured my limited free-time was safe, wholesome and useful, I only briefly visited RN and didn't add to my journal or do my mindfulness practice from the app I use. I know I need to do those daily routines to fight this battle, but sometimes when things are going well or I'm really busy, I skip them which stores up trouble in the future for me e.g. yesterday when I got back home.

It wasn't that I had been fighting cravings for hours. I just had a trigger, a response and then the wrong action from me and within a few minutes, almost before I knew it I was sliding down the funnel. The mental process went along the lines of "The supplier has just turned on the new fiber connection" (which I now need for work and is helpful for the rest of the family since the previous connection had got very slow). "Oh, this broadband speed test website says the broadband is 10x faster. Wow, that means I should be able to see the difference in all sorts of ways, like how quickly videos load and play. I'll just play a couple of YouTube videos on my iPad to see....." I'm sure you can guess the rest of the familiar descent into bad decisions and PMO oblivion. To quote that great philosopher Homer Simpson: "Doh!"

To reduce the opportunity for these almost absent-minded slips I will, as well as aiming to be more rigorous in keeping up my RN, YBOP and mindfulness, make it more cumbersome for me to disable the restrictions on my iPad. I actually need to be able to adjust them sometimes as the default setting sometimes restricts useful, perfectly respectable websites. I don't want my wife as the keeper of the passcode as I know in the past this has been upsetting for her. I'll continue reducing the amount of time I spend on the iPad anyway. (I'm almost thinking I need to get rid of it completely; it is very useful and convenient but it is a weak link in my armour. I have other pieces of IT kit that I use, but as they are linked to work I've never used them for porn. Fortunately, even with the craziness of PMO, I'm not so far gone that I would risk instant dismissal by using work items to indulge my addiction).

I'm disappointed in myself but hope I can use this positively. I really want to avoid the chaser effect that could turn this into a series of binges.

I'm happy to receive suggestions for useful tips for recovery from anyone.

Keep Trekking!

0 Days clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: I thought I could do it myself
« on: January 06, 2019, 12:59:10 PM »
Hi switched-off, looks to me like you're doing several things right. Like you, I'm staying off social media and avoiding random browsing. I try to only use laptop, iPad etc for specific, useful purposes. I think this is close to being what I've seen called "monk mode," that is staying off the internet etc completely. I'm not sure I could or need to go the whole way but certainly minimizing exposure to click-bait feels like a good thing.
I'm aware I notice attractive women but I just try to take a deep breath and carry on as if I haven't. After all it's embarrassing if I'm noticed and I don't want to be thought of as "that creepy old guy who stares at women." I think it's helped me now I understand that it's the more primitive part of my brain that is yelling at me to look at women or look at porn. Knowing that, I can (sometimes) say to myself, "OK, that's just a false message, I don't have to act on it."
Hope that helps a bit-I'm no expert-just a work in progress!
Good choice to go to bed yesterday and avoid the dark side! ;)

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 06, 2019, 08:11:45 AM »
Doing OK. Keeping busy. Packing for work trip away next week. I'm a bit tense about the trip for several reasons but aim to stay calm and meditate with the app I use at some point each evening. I've also downloaded some good TV programs I want to watch on the iPad and have a couple of books with me that I know I'll enjoy as well as my Kindle. Also I've packed some gym kit, so will at least use some of my free time to help with my fitness goals. I know the hotel I'll be staying at doesn't have porn channels, which is good so one major temptation isn't there for me. There is free soft porn intermittently on some of the free channels later on, but some of the meditation techniques should help me avoid this. e.g. if I'm tempted, I'll be aware of the feeling and know that it is really just a false message from my limbic system telling me I really need that fix. I will try not to fight it, just experience or observe it almost like I'm an outsider. I know on occasions this has worked and the craving just subsides.
Making sure I ring the family and speak to them every evening should help too
However difficult I find my work situation, even if I feel I've made mistakes or not handled things well or failed in some way, I want to avoid spiralling down into dejection followed by PMO.

Anyway, good luck to everyone in this fight over the coming days.

11 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 05, 2019, 08:14:46 AM »
So I'm at 10 days, a small milestone I hope on the road to 100 and beyond! So far, so good. No significant urges. I've occasionally caught myself fantasizing but when I've become aware of it I've been able to let it go. I think meditation and mindfulness practice has helped with that.

I'm away from home for work next week. Pressure has become rather intense on a project I'm working on and I need to ensure that I don't get stressed and slip-up with the excuse that it's to relieve the stress. Times when I get anxious or demoralized are, I know from previous experience, when I'm most vulnerable.

Having said that, also when things have gone really well at work or in other aspects of life and I'm on a good streak, part of the brain says something like, "you're doing really well in so many ways and after all you've got the PMO problem beaten, so a bit of PMO to reward yourself won't do much harm!" A few hours later, usually well after midnight, when I'm exhausted and miserable, I don't have the same opinion.

So, in short I must keep calm and vigilant.

Keep up the good fight!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 05, 2019, 07:38:02 AM »
I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later   I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later   delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't   over and over again   

This reminds me of that porn blocker I've installed in the past. Of course, I did it after relapsing, when the urges had calmed down but as soon as the strong urges hit me, I uninstalled the blocker right away, with trembling hands, the uninstalling was taking too long hahaha! It's crazy.

Hi, thanks for sharing, I can relate to both of these too. As a teenager I once had to make an excuse to my mother as to why I was rummaging in the dustbin! (I think it's "garbage-can" for US readers!). More recently, I've wasted hours trying to find p. even when I've not had access to a password to disable a blocker or filter. As you said, changemylife,  it's crazy!

I hope just by writing this down it will slightly reinforce my awareness of how crazy it is and help me continue with sober behaviour.

Keep to the winning ways!

JJ-many thanks for sharing-Inspirational!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 03, 2019, 04:43:50 PM »
Thanks for the comments Détente and joepanic.

Detente, nice to know someone else experiences that. In a way, perhaps it is a different person or at least a different part of the brain i.e. the limbic system hijacking us for an immediate reward.

joepanic, yes I've gradually been replacing the bad habits with good activities. I'm getting fitter and reading more, also trying to make sure I get to bed at reasonable times. Nothing good or useful happens if I stay up late.

I think I'm heading in the right direction but I'm definitely still a work in progress.

8 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: January 03, 2019, 04:20:01 PM »
Hi Rex, brilliant achievement! You've really had a tough time fighting at least two wars at once, against PMO and Lyme disease, but you're winning through. Keep going a day at a time. We're all with you.

Ages 40 and up / Re: TREKING TO FREEDOM
« on: January 01, 2019, 06:40:56 PM »
Something I noticed at the beginning of other streaks and again today is that my last slip seems like a lifetime ago, even though it was less than a week. Also, I can't remember the specific videos I watched. (Not that I'm going to try to bring them to mind!). I'm hoping these are good signs but can't explain them.

No significant urges yet, but I know it's early days-my body and brain are probably still recovering from a bit of a binge.

Trying to get back into good self disciplined habits such as only using iPad for specific useful tasks and otherwise keeping it out of easy reach on a high shelf. Also need to get back into regular use of the mindfulness App that I have.

6 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
« on: January 01, 2019, 06:26:36 PM »
Well done Patrick! Keep going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: TREKKING TO FREEDOM
« on: December 30, 2018, 05:36:02 PM »
Still busy, still good. Will say more when I have a bit more time.

4 Days Clean

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