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Messages - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Today is the first day of the rest of my life
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:37:29 AM »
Well done GottaReboot!
Every day you stay clean helps to rewire your brain a little.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Seeking Clarity
« on: January 23, 2020, 03:41:37 AM »
Well done for stepping back from the edge Brad. That’s a good victory. Like you, I’ve found once I’ve got as far as just peeking at something mild it can  lead me down a very steep, slippery slope very quickly. If you can stay calm and keep yourself occupied for the next little while, the cravings should subside again.
Quietly cheering you on........

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 19, 2020, 01:51:07 PM »
So I’m still trekking in 2020,

Thankyou for your support Jixu and JoePanic,
Of course I’ve noticed over the last year that you support many others on the forum-you are good people!

I’ve continued to read posts on the forum and even replied once or twice.

Things are going ok so far with the slightly changed regime. Having to do a little homework set by the app  every day or so seems to be helping to keep me on the straight and narrow at the moment. Of course it’s not just avoiding porn that’s important but making positive changes to my whole life, hence increased ambition with my fitness, regular mindfulness and generally trying to use my time constructively with reading and of course interacting better with my family. There are even slight indications of an improved physical relationship with my wife.
Also I’m intending to be more diligent at work. I guess I’m very lucky to be employed by a good company, so if I can be more diligent, less stressed and have a generally more positive outlook on it that would all be to the good.
I’m trying to get into the habit of asking myself “What can I do in the next five minutes that is useful, constructive, kind or nurturing for myself or others.” At least it means I may start doing something positive  instead of idle hands/brain starting the wrong sort of activity.

Good luck all and keep working to win this fight.

20 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 14, 2020, 01:58:44 PM »
Nice going Joepanic

Good work on the streak and the lifting.

I think many of us share some similar experiences and behaviours. As a teenager I once got caught by my mother looking through the dustbins* for porn mags I’d vowed I’d dumped for good. Doh! Fortunately, I don’t think she worked out what I was looking for.

Strangely, I just find this incident amusing now. I guess it’s because it shows how absurdly we can behave when we are in the grip of this thing.

Thanks for your posts, I always find them useful to read. I’m not posting so much at the moment, but I’m still in the fight.

*that’s what we call them in the UK. I think you call them  “trash cans” on your side of the Atlantic.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 02, 2020, 11:08:01 AM »
I did a review of how many lapses I’ve had and how much time I’ve spent in the grip of PMO during the year. I guess I’m a bit geeky his way and I have quite a bit of data in Excel including graphs of various parameters. The long and the short of it is that 2019 was no better than 2018 although it started off well. Part of this lack of progress may be due to additional stress at work and other factors which ramped up last year. However it does indicate that to really make progress I need to change something or add something new to my regime.
Hence I’m also joining an online, commercial program with an app that gives me several small training and evaluation tasks to do every week and regularly prompts me to engage with it. Since one of my weaknesses is that I’m not consistent with my journaling and other good habits, being prompted and also getting “rewards” for small achievements may help. I’m also seriously considering getting some professional counselling for a period to help give my recovery an extra boost.
I will continue to read here and post on occasions.

Good luck everyone. Keep trekking.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 24, 2019, 12:00:46 PM »
Thanks Joe,

I’m still trekking. Yes, thanks for the good advice; I’m aiming to use each day well. I usually have a list of tasks but also more pleasurable or nurturing activities to ensure I stay occupied and on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes to all for Christmas and New Year.

Keep Trekking!

10 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 24, 2019, 11:53:18 AM »
Hi Nexus,

Well done on getting this far in your reboot, a really impressive achievement!

“The worst part of this ordeal is discovering just how alone I am. I have no friends. I’m married but my wife isn’t the kind I can lean on. I have siblings but I have never been close to them. “

Just a thought on this. I’m in a slightly similar situation. I do have some friends and family, but none close enough to divulge my PMO to them. As part of my drive to make myself a better more rounded person I have taken up new activities partly with the aim of having more social contact which I think is good in itself even though I’m not looking for an accountability partner there. I think it helps my self esteem and general connectedness with real people. This may help indirectly in my battle with PMO addiction.

So far RN is the only place I can discuss PMO and it seems to be gradually helping.

Have a great Christmas and New Year!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: December 24, 2019, 11:03:58 AM »
Nice going Joe,
Thanks for your posts here and the encouragement you’ve given me and others in our journals over the year.
Have a great Christmas and New Year!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 21, 2019, 07:27:36 AM »
Hi Warp,
Many thanks for checking in on me. Yes I’m still here, though sometimes it feels like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back!
I’ve completed seven days and things are going ok with no urges and I’m glad to have finished work for Christmas. My stress from work has reduced in recent weeks  and I seem to have had a good appraisal from management so that helps me feel good about myself.
Stress and despondency seem to be triggers but sometimes I’m triggered for no particular reason. The random triggers tend to happen when I’ve been clean for around a couple of weeks and are harder to cope with if I haven’t been meditating and keeping vigilant. It’s almost as if I forget that I have a PMO problem and slip down into the funnel without taking stock. Anyway I’m trying to keep busy, focused and vigilant and nurturing myself to keep on the straight and narrow.
I’ve also made even more barriers to easily accessing porn which at least give me a bit more time to come to my senses if I’m triggered.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 07, 2019, 05:30:35 PM »
Well it’s Saturday night and the rest of the family are in bed. I’ve been a bit under the weather for a few days, not sure whether it’s a virus or I’ve just eaten something that’s disagreed with me. Pressure has mounted again at work and tonight I’m feeling triggered and found myself beginning to look for things I should stay away from.
Hence, I’ve come here to log it in the hope that by doing that it helps me to come to my senses. I’m on a 15 day streak and I haven’t got past about 20 days for the last eight months. I really want to get back on track.
I’ll do a few chores and then head to bed.
Keep trekking everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:40:00 AM »
Well done for 32 days Jixu, keep it going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Thanks Jixu, you too!
I’m at the stage of a streak where things can begin to get difficult for me. Libido has recovered from the last binge and the chimp part of my brain is beginning to grumble, for example, moaning about me being in a sexless marriage due to wife’s ill health and other factors.
What I’m doing the same as previously is keeping busy, making plans, meditating which I hope helps me be aware of my thoughts and emotions so I don’t necessarily get caught up in them. I’m also generally looking after myself with exercise and sociability.
What I’m doing differently is coming here to post when I’m triggered, which seems to help a bit, but otherwise to only come here once a week or at a milestone. We’ll see how it goes.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Hey new here
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:19:30 AM »
Hi Gusser, yes, keep trying! We’ve all been there and it’s difficult. Is there anything useful you can learn from your slip at the weekend? eg behaviours or feelings just beforehand that you can use as warning signs in the future that you need to get away from the pc/laptop or even get out of the house.
Best of luck!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: November 25, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
Gosh, hadn’t realised I’d left it so long since last posting. Mainly had runs of 2-3 weeks, then slipped. Some of the stress at work has lessened so I’m hoping this will give me a respite from at least one of my triggers. I’ve tightened up some of my precautions that prevent a casual slip up and I really would have to put effort into accessing porn now. At the same time I need to focus on the good habits that keep me clean.
I felt myself triggered just now which was one of my reasons for writing this post.
Good luck all!

Ages 40 and up / Re: What's the difference
« on: November 23, 2019, 05:59:33 AM »
I agree with dypt that looking at still pictures on line is likely to cause you to start looking for videos.

Also, I think the difference between magazines and the internet is significant. Even if you had an extensive collection of magazines, the volume and variety of pictures would be tiny compared with the infinite supply available instantaneously on the internet at the click of a mouse. As I understand it, the constant stimulation of fresh, porn pictures that we’ve never seen before feeds into our reward circuits and fuels the addiction. So whether they are moving or still pictures probably makes little difference. Our poor brains haven’t changed much from those of our ancestors living on the savannah so it’s may be no surprise that we struggle when we can see more sexy things in 3 minutes on a screen than they would have seen in their entire lives!
Good luck, in what ever way you choose to do your reboot.

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: November 03, 2019, 04:06:24 PM »
Well done Joe. Another day Clean is like another cheque in the bank.
Whether you go or stay on the forum, and go gradual or go hard mode, I wish you well.

Ages 40 and up / Re: PUMPED To Finally Quit This Bad Habit!
« on: November 03, 2019, 03:55:53 PM »
Well done Mattoondah for avoiding porn after a frustrating evening. That’s a really good victory. I hope the next evening out is more successful!

JJacks, thanks again for posting here. Seeing that you have made such great progress gives those of us who are still struggling a much needed dose of hope and motivation.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: October 19, 2019, 06:50:20 AM »
Thanks for the support cranm.
Yes, although I’ve slipped since, at least I’ve managed to escape from that situation once, so I hope I can again if i’m ever careless enough to get into it in the future.
One observation I have of myself is that there is often a period of time after a few days of abstinence where I feel more calm and focused than usual. Strangely, I find I concentrate better at work. This comes after the period of misery and exhaustion immediately after a binge and before the intermittent mood swings that come a bit later.
I hope a longer version of this calm, balanced feeling may be something I can look forward to if I can break this binge/abstinence cycle and go PMO-free for several months.
I know I have lot to do before I get to that stage. Anyway all OK for the moment.

Keep up the good work folks.

8 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: October 16, 2019, 04:02:54 PM »
Well I had a success and then some stress and then some other stuff happened so I had a couple of fails.
But of course my over-emotional reaction to stress and events is I’m sure to an extent a result of my unbalanced brain due to the neurological changes induced by the PMO. So I just have to work hard to get into a virtuous cycle of no PMO, a healthier brain e.g. a better functioning pre-frontal cortex and, as a result, more resilience to the lure of PMO.
Easy really! ;)
I’m hanging on to the memory of the weekend where I was well and truly triggered and craving crazily but was able to pull out of it and stay clean for several days afterwards. Although I failed several days later, that was the first time I can ever remember crawling back up the funnel when I had slipped so far down it, so I hope that means something.
Keep trekking everyone.
5 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: October 16, 2019, 03:39:01 PM »
Hi Jixu, thanks for thinking of me. I’m still here, still reading the forum. I had some success and then a couple of fails, so I’m just regrouping at the moment. I feel I don’t have  much to say but it’s probably sensible to keep journaling more regularly just so I keep focused on the mission.
You’ve said further back that stress at work is a trigger, but conversely that when things are going too well you can have a slip. I think many of us have similar experiences. For me to be successful seems to require just keeping on an even keel, controlling the stress but also when things are going OK not forgetting that I am still in the struggle and making sure I am prepared for when the urges come.
Also I agree with your comments about escaping PMO being part of a bigger goal of self improvement.
Keep up the good fight!

Ages 40 and up / Re: See them grow up
« on: September 30, 2019, 09:15:07 AM »
Well done, WiP. Stick with it. Yep, I’ve frequently heard the cajoling chimp. I think we’re stuck with him for a while but we don’t have to do what he wants!
Stay strong!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 22, 2019, 03:48:06 AM »
So I had a minor victory last night.

Family were  all in bed asleep by mid evening. I had strong urges to remove the protection on my IT and look at something softcore, but of course we all know where that would lead.  I could feel and recognise that my whole body was kind of mildly electrified as it is sometimes when the cravings hit. However, I was able to slightly detach myself from the feelings, did a 10 minute mindfulness session (“Coping with Cravings”) on the app I use, read a few “Uncle Bob’s Porn Recovery Inspiration” pages on YBOP and then listened to one of Gary Wilson’s radio show recordings. By the end of this the cravings had dissipated and in fact I dozed off. (No disrespect intended to GW’s radio show).

On previous occasions I have either given in straight away or tried distraction activities (watching a recording of a tv program from a series I’m interested in, going to bed and trying to read, even going for a short walk in the dark) but always afterwards, the urge is still there in the background ready to come to the surface and hit hard again either within minutes or hours or the next day.

I’m not saying that I was able to logically reason my way out of a lapse and a binge it just seemed that on this particular occasion this sequence of actions appeared to be more effective than what I’ve done previously. Perhaps the key was that I was (just) able to distance myself or consciously separate myself from the urges whilst in the middle of them and follow the sequence of actions. I think in the past I’ve had good routines in place for avoiding urges and cravings and hopefully generally improving my life e.g. more exercise, more socialising, more attentiveness to family and general, gentle self improvement but I’ve been undone when I get hit hard by the cravings. Now, at least I have a possible template for what to do when they do hit.

This is definitely not a magic bullet and I’ve not suddenly turned the corner into a blissful life of no PMO, but I wanted to record it to reinforce in my memory what actually worked on one occasion. Performing the actions in the sequence I used was time consuming, but not a massive effort. It felt a bit like using machine guns, howitzers and grenades to destroy a cockroach, but if that’s what it takes then I’ll go with it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for your patience. Of course I realise that :
“Man Succeeds in Avoiding PMO on a Saturday Night” is not really headline news but maybe it’s a small indication that I’m heading in the right direction.  ;)

Keep trekking, good people.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: September 21, 2019, 11:27:50 AM »
Thanks for the responses Iloveicecream and Jixu,
Yes, positive emotions, negative emotions, boredom can all cause me to be tempted and sometimes the strong urges seem to come out of nowhere. After a good start to the year, things have gone down hill a bit and I seem to be only managing 2-3 weeks before a fall. Having said that, I usually get a hint when I’m vulnerable, for example (stress) again at work and today a social event which for me didn’t go as well as I’d hoped and my wife being unwell and moody.
It seems to me that the PMO contributes to the work and social issues, so of course to use it to medicate for feeling stressed about them would be the worst possible course.
I’m hoping that posting here and the usual routine of reading, mindfulness and keeping myself busy with positive actions and activities will help this time.
I noticed in another thread a little while back someone saying that it was tiring working on the addiction. I agree. Much of the time I would rather not think about it, but I believe I have to work on it in some way every day or I forget that I’m in a long war and my resolve lessens. Then there’s a danger of stepping on to the slippery slope.

10 Days Clean. Keep trekking everybody.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 44 years old on the brink of falling
« on: September 16, 2019, 03:00:08 AM »
Good luck Dutchguy. Really hoping you can come through this difficult period. I’ve been in the same situation many times before so I know it’s challenging.

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