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Messages - BigMog

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: May 01, 2020, 04:25:45 PM »
Still here, still trekking. I had a few weeks of stumbling around after a really good start to the year. But I’m gradually getting back on track.
Keep trekking everyone.
30 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: May 01, 2020, 04:21:40 PM »
Hi JoePanic,
Good to see things are going well. You’re a great example to all of us, not just turning away from the  bad stuff but turning towards the good stuff!
Keep up the good work.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: May 01, 2020, 04:14:02 PM »
Hello Jixu!
I’m still here and OK, thanks for the hello. Glad to see you’ve reached the fifty day mark. I hope things are still going well.
I’m on day 30 myself. I had a good streak at the beginning of the year and then stumbled around for a while before getting back on track. I’m still following the program on the app I have and with generally trying to lead a healthier life in every way and regular mindfulness hope I’m gradually turning things around.
Yes, stress at work, especially if I feel I’m failing or have made a fool of myself can be a trigger. Keeping a balance and a perspective is so important. Usually I find the situation isn’t as bad as I thought or I eventually get over it and then it’s a shame if I’ve ruined a good streak for no good reason.
Anyway, best wishes to you. Keep up the good fight.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Exodus
« on: May 01, 2020, 03:52:37 PM »
Congratulations Moses! That’s a great milestone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: March 09, 2020, 06:47:47 AM »
Hi Jixu,
Well done for being honest with yourself and keeping the bar at a constant level. It would be easy to be lenient but then your streak would not be a really clean streak.
Looks to me like you’re making good progress with good, long streaks and only minor slips without bingeing.
Keep trekking!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: March 09, 2020, 06:28:27 AM »
Well done JoePanic!
I’m really happy to see you approach the 90 day mark. Keep up the good work.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: February 08, 2020, 08:19:18 AM »
Thanks JoePanic,

So now I’m at 40 Days. This is by far the longest streak I’ve had for almost a year. I’ve had a couple of mild triggering and craving incidents but was able to navigate away from them. I’m keeping up with the online programme that gives me a few tasks to do every week. This seems to be working so far in that I am regularly reminded that I need to keep vigilant and that the battle to be clean is ongoing. Having my IT equipment with safeguards on it so I can’t just idly access porn or even any triggering material (e.g on YouTube) definitely helps when I have the occasional unguarded moment.
Still working on generally improving myself by reading, socialising and exercise.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Today is the first day of the rest of my life
« on: February 08, 2020, 06:59:31 AM »
Hi GottaReboot- yep that’s a great attitude-pick yourself up and carry on. And if there’s some extra little nugget of information you can pick up from the lapse about how to reduce the chances of it happening again, then that’s even better.
I’m quietly cheering you on from the sidelines.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Reboot take two
« on: February 05, 2020, 05:55:00 PM »
Hi Switched-Off,
Just checking in with you. Hope the Reboot is still progressing..
3 days clean - Jan 8

 I actually find it very easy to stay clean 90% of the time.

I know exactly what you mean. I hope you’re beginning to have some success with that other 10%.

Ages 40 and up / Re: 43 year old tired of pmo
« on: January 27, 2020, 09:36:09 AM »
Nice work Jbow. Good to see you’re doing well.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Today is the first day of the rest of my life
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:37:29 AM »
Well done GottaReboot!
Every day you stay clean helps to rewire your brain a little.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Seeking Clarity
« on: January 23, 2020, 03:41:37 AM »
Well done for stepping back from the edge Brad. That’s a good victory. Like you, I’ve found once I’ve got as far as just peeking at something mild it can  lead me down a very steep, slippery slope very quickly. If you can stay calm and keep yourself occupied for the next little while, the cravings should subside again.
Quietly cheering you on........

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 19, 2020, 01:51:07 PM »
So I’m still trekking in 2020,

Thankyou for your support Jixu and JoePanic,
Of course I’ve noticed over the last year that you support many others on the forum-you are good people!

I’ve continued to read posts on the forum and even replied once or twice.

Things are going ok so far with the slightly changed regime. Having to do a little homework set by the app  every day or so seems to be helping to keep me on the straight and narrow at the moment. Of course it’s not just avoiding porn that’s important but making positive changes to my whole life, hence increased ambition with my fitness, regular mindfulness and generally trying to use my time constructively with reading and of course interacting better with my family. There are even slight indications of an improved physical relationship with my wife.
Also I’m intending to be more diligent at work. I guess I’m very lucky to be employed by a good company, so if I can be more diligent, less stressed and have a generally more positive outlook on it that would all be to the good.
I’m trying to get into the habit of asking myself “What can I do in the next five minutes that is useful, constructive, kind or nurturing for myself or others.” At least it means I may start doing something positive  instead of idle hands/brain starting the wrong sort of activity.

Good luck all and keep working to win this fight.

20 Days Clean

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: January 14, 2020, 01:58:44 PM »
Nice going Joepanic

Good work on the streak and the lifting.

I think many of us share some similar experiences and behaviours. As a teenager I once got caught by my mother looking through the dustbins* for porn mags I’d vowed I’d dumped for good. Doh! Fortunately, I don’t think she worked out what I was looking for.

Strangely, I just find this incident amusing now. I guess it’s because it shows how absurdly we can behave when we are in the grip of this thing.

Thanks for your posts, I always find them useful to read. I’m not posting so much at the moment, but I’m still in the fight.

*that’s what we call them in the UK. I think you call them  “trash cans” on your side of the Atlantic.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: January 02, 2020, 11:08:01 AM »
I did a review of how many lapses I’ve had and how much time I’ve spent in the grip of PMO during the year. I guess I’m a bit geeky his way and I have quite a bit of data in Excel including graphs of various parameters. The long and the short of it is that 2019 was no better than 2018 although it started off well. Part of this lack of progress may be due to additional stress at work and other factors which ramped up last year. However it does indicate that to really make progress I need to change something or add something new to my regime.
Hence I’m also joining an online, commercial program with an app that gives me several small training and evaluation tasks to do every week and regularly prompts me to engage with it. Since one of my weaknesses is that I’m not consistent with my journaling and other good habits, being prompted and also getting “rewards” for small achievements may help. I’m also seriously considering getting some professional counselling for a period to help give my recovery an extra boost.
I will continue to read here and post on occasions.

Good luck everyone. Keep trekking.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 24, 2019, 12:00:46 PM »
Thanks Joe,

I’m still trekking. Yes, thanks for the good advice; I’m aiming to use each day well. I usually have a list of tasks but also more pleasurable or nurturing activities to ensure I stay occupied and on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes to all for Christmas and New Year.

Keep Trekking!

10 Days Clean.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I’m a mess
« on: December 24, 2019, 11:53:18 AM »
Hi Nexus,

Well done on getting this far in your reboot, a really impressive achievement!

“The worst part of this ordeal is discovering just how alone I am. I have no friends. I’m married but my wife isn’t the kind I can lean on. I have siblings but I have never been close to them. “

Just a thought on this. I’m in a slightly similar situation. I do have some friends and family, but none close enough to divulge my PMO to them. As part of my drive to make myself a better more rounded person I have taken up new activities partly with the aim of having more social contact which I think is good in itself even though I’m not looking for an accountability partner there. I think it helps my self esteem and general connectedness with real people. This may help indirectly in my battle with PMO addiction.

So far RN is the only place I can discuss PMO and it seems to be gradually helping.

Have a great Christmas and New Year!

Ages 40 and up / Re: quit for good
« on: December 24, 2019, 11:03:58 AM »
Nice going Joe,
Thanks for your posts here and the encouragement you’ve given me and others in our journals over the year.
Have a great Christmas and New Year!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 21, 2019, 07:27:36 AM »
Hi Warp,
Many thanks for checking in on me. Yes I’m still here, though sometimes it feels like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back!
I’ve completed seven days and things are going ok with no urges and I’m glad to have finished work for Christmas. My stress from work has reduced in recent weeks  and I seem to have had a good appraisal from management so that helps me feel good about myself.
Stress and despondency seem to be triggers but sometimes I’m triggered for no particular reason. The random triggers tend to happen when I’ve been clean for around a couple of weeks and are harder to cope with if I haven’t been meditating and keeping vigilant. It’s almost as if I forget that I have a PMO problem and slip down into the funnel without taking stock. Anyway I’m trying to keep busy, focused and vigilant and nurturing myself to keep on the straight and narrow.
I’ve also made even more barriers to easily accessing porn which at least give me a bit more time to come to my senses if I’m triggered.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 07, 2019, 05:30:35 PM »
Well it’s Saturday night and the rest of the family are in bed. I’ve been a bit under the weather for a few days, not sure whether it’s a virus or I’ve just eaten something that’s disagreed with me. Pressure has mounted again at work and tonight I’m feeling triggered and found myself beginning to look for things I should stay away from.
Hence, I’ve come here to log it in the hope that by doing that it helps me to come to my senses. I’m on a 15 day streak and I haven’t got past about 20 days for the last eight months. I really want to get back on track.
I’ll do a few chores and then head to bed.
Keep trekking everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: I guess every form of refuge has its price
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:40:00 AM »
Well done for 32 days Jixu, keep it going!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Thanks Jixu, you too!
I’m at the stage of a streak where things can begin to get difficult for me. Libido has recovered from the last binge and the chimp part of my brain is beginning to grumble, for example, moaning about me being in a sexless marriage due to wife’s ill health and other factors.
What I’m doing the same as previously is keeping busy, making plans, meditating which I hope helps me be aware of my thoughts and emotions so I don’t necessarily get caught up in them. I’m also generally looking after myself with exercise and sociability.
What I’m doing differently is coming here to post when I’m triggered, which seems to help a bit, but otherwise to only come here once a week or at a milestone. We’ll see how it goes.
Keep trekking everyone!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Hey new here
« on: December 03, 2019, 04:19:30 AM »
Hi Gusser, yes, keep trying! We’ve all been there and it’s difficult. Is there anything useful you can learn from your slip at the weekend? eg behaviours or feelings just beforehand that you can use as warning signs in the future that you need to get away from the pc/laptop or even get out of the house.
Best of luck!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Trekking to Freedom
« on: November 25, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
Gosh, hadn’t realised I’d left it so long since last posting. Mainly had runs of 2-3 weeks, then slipped. Some of the stress at work has lessened so I’m hoping this will give me a respite from at least one of my triggers. I’ve tightened up some of my precautions that prevent a casual slip up and I really would have to put effort into accessing porn now. At the same time I need to focus on the good habits that keep me clean.
I felt myself triggered just now which was one of my reasons for writing this post.
Good luck all!

Ages 40 and up / Re: What's the difference
« on: November 23, 2019, 05:59:33 AM »
I agree with dypt that looking at still pictures on line is likely to cause you to start looking for videos.

Also, I think the difference between magazines and the internet is significant. Even if you had an extensive collection of magazines, the volume and variety of pictures would be tiny compared with the infinite supply available instantaneously on the internet at the click of a mouse. As I understand it, the constant stimulation of fresh, porn pictures that we’ve never seen before feeds into our reward circuits and fuels the addiction. So whether they are moving or still pictures probably makes little difference. Our poor brains haven’t changed much from those of our ancestors living on the savannah so it’s may be no surprise that we struggle when we can see more sexy things in 3 minutes on a screen than they would have seen in their entire lives!
Good luck, in what ever way you choose to do your reboot.

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