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Messages - safa61947

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 18, 2018, 05:53:40 PM »
Day 12 / 90

I made an overall introduction because I know I might fail my current streak, although I do not plan to fail it. I plan to stick with this thread.

So, I'm currently on day 12. I've reported the first three days on Google+, then I managed to get a new account at NoFap forum and reported days 13-12 there, but I do not trust that website anymore. I am writing on a Google Docs diary too, so my current streak is well documented.  :D

My plan is abstain from PMO and games, listen to classical music and play chess. I found out that I can last longer in streaks if I have some standard activity to do when I'm bored. I might be replacing an addiction with obsessive behavior, but until I have enough discipline to meditate everyday, cut caffeine, exercise and study, play chess and listen to classical music are good-to-go alternatives. Chess is neutral PMO-wise and so is classical music.

I don't remember how many times I tried to quit PMO, but this is the fifth of the solid streaks I had. Let's hope it will be the longest. I need 69 days to beat my record.

I'll record wet dreams as they happen. If you have a smartphone, I recommend the Quitzilla app, which I use to track my progress and count days.

Ages 30-39 / Diro's reboot journal
« on: May 18, 2018, 05:35:39 PM »
My name is Diro, I'm 31, single.

This is so embarrassing to put in words.

At age of 12 I was told it was wrong to masturbate, at a church meeting. The child counselor said something about it being selfish and "girl's can't do it". Past evaluations told me that it being selfish is a matter of opinion, and yes, girls do it. Nonetheless I tried to repress my sexuality at such an early age, I would masturbate and then hold the semen inside my penis because I didn't want to get any proof of such a sinful act. The result is my urethra expanded for holding the semen for too long. I would go outside my house to fap, I would friction my penis inside my pants and use the extra skin around it to hold the semen inside. I'm lucky this didn't damaged my urinary system, as I can hold my pee and release it normally, but my penis got an extra thickness, and when erect, it has a curve on it's right side that I know it's not normal.

My parents got divorced that same year, this didn't help for my mental health. I quit church at that year convinced that church sucks and masturbation is okay.

I never needed porn until late 26. My family was so rigid, and I had so much shame for it, that I would masturbate to movies and fashion magazines. Once my father shamed me quite violently because my sister showed me a porn movie he rented for himself. I didn't even know what I was watching. He shamed me and I cried like few times in my life. I still can hear his voice "I'll never trust you again". Why? I didn't wanted to watch it in the first place. Damn sister.

Having such a trauma with porn, I turned to softcore photos and I had curiosity and I saw real porn whenever I could, always with extreme safety. I got better in securing my porn viewing. A few years later, my father showed to me his hentai porn [?], I got hugely disappointed with him, how could he show to me something like that and expect me to like it after what he has done?

I never stopped masturbating. I thought it was impossible. I would catch a glimpse of a girl in yoga pants in the streets then masturbate afterwards in a safe place. Sometimes I would masturbate just for the sake of it, for the feel good and because "fuck the church, I can masturbate all I want".

When I started watching anime, masturbation went to another level. And I discovered Eroges. Until this point I never braked a value I considered true. But one thing led to another, drawing became boring and I wanted to see the real stuff, and against all my beliefs and my pride for not ever seeing porn like dad, I now am a porn user.

I've been fighting PMO addiction since 2016, when I found the NoFap subreddit, and a report impressed me, I thought "these guys are doing the impossible! If they can, I probably can too." And this was exactly what the reports and successful stories were about. I could stop it too. I couldn't at 12, but I was too young, it's time to try again. Soon after I found about Gabe's videos and reboot nation. I spent a few days posting on the NoFap subreddit, but soon after I registered at NoFap forum, where I was banned five times.

I don't know why I was banned, my best guess is I was banned for criticizing them. When I asked why, they banned me again. No notice, nothing. I relapsed, of course. Since 2016, in these two years my addiction got worse. I am watching the most hard core stuff I've watched in my life. 2015 on, I started seeing gay porn even though I'm not gay. Fact is I don't know if I'm gay because I jerked off to gay stuff, there was a YouTube channel which was my favorite. Porn gay excited me like nothing else. This was when I knew I needed to stop and seek help. Betraying my values is one thing. Now I'm betraying my sexuality. I don't have a problem with being gay or gay people, but if porn is turning me gay, I have to do something about it.

I do not recommend the NoFap forum as they became a gold digger organization. The NoFap subreddit is more neutral, one can't really be banned from there, only the posts will be erased. But it is full of references to the NoFap site and their stupid NoFap academy, which you have to pay to get visual with Alexander Rhodes, the Fapstronaut #1, c'mon cut me some slack.

Doing stuff alone doesn't work so well, but no matter how much help you are able to get your hands at, in the end, it's only you and your addiction. Nobody, despite their infinite caring and support and accountability will be with you in the bathroom when the opportunity to masturbate rises.

I'll not pay Alexander Rhodes to have a journal online. Many rebooters say there is benefit in writing a journal and I confirm it. My longest streak is 68 days, this was in January 2018. My streaks are on a linear progress of 31, 58 and 68 with several small streaks, I came back to porn for 4 months, then came back to reboot. This is really hard. Starting this year I decided that I will not give up anymore. I'll keep trying for as long as it takes.

I'm looking forward to interact with other members of this web forum and I hope I can encourage some to keep their streaks, and have some encouraging back too. Please don't ban me if I relapse.

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