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Topics - Free-man

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Ages 40 and up / My path to real life
« on: February 14, 2018, 08:24:32 AM »
Hi everyone.

First of all I want to excuse me if something I write here is wrong because my native language is not english.

I’m 43 right now and I’m addicted to porn. I think the moment to escape from this horrible addiction has arrived. In fact I’m in Day #12 without PMO. The fact the reason that I have made this decision is that I think porn has ruined my life in all aspects and I want to redirect my life.

I think THIS problem started in puberty when I fantasized with girls of my school, nothing sexual but I wanted to stay with them together as a couple, you know. At 13 I had a poster of Sammy Fox in my bedroom, she was dressed but she attracts me a Lot for her pretty face. No PMO or MO. I think that was the trigger that made click in my mind.

Then i was started to have more curiosity and sometimes with friends or colleges we saw porn magazines of that time, very soft stuff. That curiosity started to be bigger so I knew where to buy or even stole that magazines (kiosks). PMO and MO begun. The addiction begun as well a bit of isolation. The first year in highschool I suffered bullying and that depressed me a lot. With that issue in mind everyday and a lack of concentration my escape was MO or PMO when I was alone at home. Since then I repeated course and go to other schools when I acomplished to finnish my studies. The magazines and some VHS at that time when you can rent from videoclubs was my addiction. 

No relastionship with girls. I had a few friends til then. At 23 could view pictures in your computer thanks to cds and some friend made me a copy with thousands of pictures. I was still buying some p magazines and even some others like photography magazines where the girl of the cover triguered in my mind even stronger that some p magazines. Just for the pretty face. I don’t know.  A few years ago arrived Internet and with a poor band then I could be whole nights without sleep watching pics and pics and searching through categories. When I started to work the addiction, loneliness, depression, social anxiety walked with me. I visited a couple of psychiatrists and psycologists but with the years the thing wasn’t better. Pills and some theraphy but with no results to quit my anxiety and depression. Insecurities and fears in life get bigger .

With High speed broadband internet and the porn Industry  spreading more than before including videos, paysites and forums with download links with videos in HD, cam sites… You can imagine what a blast supposed to me. Years and years porn has been my damnation. Like result of 30 years of addiction I develop PIED. I remember where sometimes my penis was erected but in that state I couldn’t cum. I had to wait a couple of minutes to masturbate again in flacid state.

I Felt that I had to finish with this lifestyle where I’m still living with my parents, I feel lonely, I have no job, no girlfriend, no goals in life…and where I can see that the few friends have their own life with wifes and children with safe jobs, happinees in their faces and where I have stayed far away from that.  They have prospered in life, it's not my case.

With 43 I’m feeling like a looser. I think I’m living in a 20 years old mind. Insecurities, fears… I have a lot of issues in my mind to resolve, and I think that in part is due to P and PMO. But I'm ready to fight with it.

In my DAY #12 with no PMO, I installed K9 in my computer.  I’m fighting a Little bit with the withdrawal . I have anxiety and digestive problems, my teeths hurts sometimes, shaking chills, and the mood changes.

Well I think is all by the moment. I think writing here on my journal will help me with reboot. You can write comments and feeling too. I think we can support each other.

Thank you for your attention

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