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Messages - Starlight

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Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 15, 2018, 01:08:48 PM »
I totally relapsed a couple of days ago, but I managed to get my shit together and finally created a profile and a journal at
Here's link, if someone is interested.

I don't know if I'll post anything here, probably I'll oscillate between this two services.

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 10, 2018, 05:15:14 AM »
I reset. Almost.
Today I masturbated until I came. And not only I masturbated, I started with anal, and finished off with my hand. And it was pretty quick, even though I was surprised I've done the whole sequence without porn or even thoughts about porn. Now I feel a bit confused.
So, I probably should stay in Easy mode, because I still didn't use porn, but I violated every other rule.
No, I should not. I tried to keep my counter but failed, and now I have the courage to admit it. And I'm going to Hard mode - absolutely no porn, masturbation and orgasm whatsoever. I'll probably have to reset my counter more often, but it will be more honest to myself and other rebooters too.
BUT! I still want to count days without porn, so it'll be two counters from now on.
So, here's a check.
1. Did I use porn today? No. I did not.
2. What were my triggers? I read Cloud Atlas, to be precise, the scene about tribe enslaving others and having group rape with a boy. It's like it destroy my brakes, I shrug off that scene and other, but I somewhat got aroused and couldn't fight it. Also, yesterday I bought a bubble blower and it's shaped like anal beads, so in the end I used it like that. Oh, well.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? Well, I tried to read, It helps. sometimes xD
4. What am I grateful today? Probably, to this site, because my thought somewhat revolve around it and the whole rebooting thing, so I haven't hooked up on porn and stuff completely.
5. Day counter! 0 days HardMode, 0 days without porn. I decided to reset porn counter too, because of those hot photos of my ex. I should have reset counter long ago, but I have the guts to do that only now.

I'll continue my fight! I'm not giving up.

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 09, 2018, 12:08:29 AM »
Just a summary for 3 days passed from my last post. At that same day, day 30, I masturbated. It was like desire appeared out of nowhere and I felt overwhelmed. It was really pleasurable, but I managed to stop myself and not orgasm. After that, I thought about day counter and things I really abstain from.
For the following days I've read a NoFap starting guide, and it only confused me about PMO abstinence. So I decided to call my rebooting mode "EasyMode +", because I completely abstain from porn (P), I don't orgasm (O), but I occasionally masturbate, though never do it until the end.
It was a really pleasurable three days, actually. I worked at my job, it was cool, I read books, I watched movies, I gave another shot at rooting out memes and trash youtube videos like let's plays and those kind that makes you laugh, but not think. It's just another addiction, and I should stop it, because I don't want to maintain it anymore, and I feel enough power to do it.
Also, I'm thinking about creating another journal like this on NoFap site. Maybe it'll help me too?

Aaand, check:
1. Did I use porn today? Nope. No porn at all. There was a bit of vague porn images my brain tried to remember, but I try not to pay attention to them.
2. What were my triggers? No triggers this time.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? Yeah, meditation and communication with other people are great for this kind of thing.
4. What am I grateful today? I think I'm grateful to my friends because it would be harder for me without them. And my job too.
5. Day counter! 33 days. Every second I set up a new record :D funny

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 06, 2018, 01:14:45 AM »
I've done it. 30 days of my not that easy journey have passed. The milestone reached, and previous record shall be broken.
Probably, it's time to summarize my expectations about what should have happened and what really happened.

But, here's the report for previous day: I woke up like zombie, went to work like a zombie, spend 4 hours watching youtube and memes (but I've done some work in the meantime so I don't feel myself bad for that), then I went to bar with a couple of my friends, I drank about 2 liters of beer and that was enough to disable my brakes. Then I and one of these friends went to his place to help him choose parts for his new computer, and while we had a trip on a subway my brain entertained only one thought: have sex with him. It was strange as f, but I couldn't do anything about it. And usually, I don't find him very attractive, but, oh well, that's alcohol for you. Probably, I won't be able to drink for about a month because of this.

Ok, here I go. What I wanted from being sober and restraining myself from PMO? I wanted to become free from this addiction, to de-escalate from the porn I hated, lusted, but hated; to be able to last more in bed and to reduce recuperation period; to concentrate on real world and real things; to prove myself I can handle this addiction, to prove myself I'm a Man.
So, do I satisfied with what I got? Not really. This addiction takes the best of me now. It's like my brain now sees sex everywhere, lusting, craving for smallest bits of stimulation like occasional picture of a cutie in a newsfeed in social network (even if she's clothed, doesn't matter), people in the street, friends, classmates and teammates. Treacherous thought come to mind, about pleasure and why do I resist to it when it's so close? And what will I do, when I finish this? When I finish 90 days of PMO restraining? Become an ascetic? Is it really life I want?
It's becoming harder to shrug these thoughts off, but I'm still holding, so it's not over, or I would have relapsed already. I think I'm like Dumbledore now, while drinking that liquid - I want to stop, but I should not. The thing is, I have no Harry to persuade me to persevere, only myself.

1. Did I use porn today? No, I even restrain myself from fantasies, because it can undermine my cause, as I fear my fantasies will escalate quickly.
2. What were my triggers? Being drunk lessen self-control, it's easy. But the background level of lust is increasing, I still don't really know what to do about it.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? I bought a year of premium subscription on Headspace and meditate twice a day now. I believe it will really help me.
4. What am I grateful today? I dunno. That's a stupid question.
5. Day counter! 30 effing days. I did it! I DID IT!

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 04, 2018, 12:59:28 PM »
I relapsed. To be more precise, I jerked off. I didn't even jerked off, it felt like I stopped a before a turning point, but then, I came. The only thought I had at that time was "At least, I haven't watched porn". And then I woke up.
Phew, it was just a wet dream (again! the third one in less than a month. Come on, body, please stop). I still fight this addiction, even though it's becoming tougher and tougher. It's like your own brain slowly undermine your thought, making you think like it's alright - to return to your previous life style, it's ok to fap, to watch porn, to take it in the ass, but it's all wrong, I fend these thought off.

Nothing more to say, actually. I'm closer to establishing my new sleeping schedule, I try to meditate twice a day using Headspace app, well, yeah. That's all.  Oh! And I visited local pool twice. It brings me so much self confidence and power, but after a couple of hours the only thing left is tiredness.

1. Did I use porn today? No, I held myself up this couple of days. And, by the way, I had a chat with my ex and she agreed not to send me nudes anymore. That's a relief.
2. What were my triggers? I think, right now my triggers are withdrawal syndrome. My brain yearns for pleasure, but I deny it.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? I meditated, after a meditation everything feels great, but for a short time. And my loneliness gets to me, it's kinda depressing a bit. I still cannot completely embrace the thought of me being alone.
4. What am I grateful today? I don't know. Work again? Money that it provide me mean a lot to me.
5. Day counter! 28 days. I'm getting close to a milestone, 30 days.
I'm gonna break my record. Thrice. I'll get to 90 days and become free.
Yet, my brain sometimes tells me that I won't. That 90 days won't be enough. That this addiction cannot be won over. But I still fight.

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: February 01, 2018, 11:09:16 AM »
This is hard.
Today I've got another pack of hot photos from my ex. They got me aroused, and now I'm struggling.
I feel so lonely now, so weak, so down. Even though I've been to the pool today and tried to learn how to swim. It felt great! But I don't know what is going on with me. It's like I'm on a verge of breaking, I just need to write my ex that I want to, for examle, sext with her or more explicit photos and indulge myself. Maybe, I have already lost by looking at what she send me? I don't know. I'll do my best and try not to break, even though my energy is on zero level.
What should I do about my ex? I cannot block her, I cannot forget here, but I know that we'll never be together and I don't want to return to what I've been before. Maybe it'll give me some strength.
So it's day 25? Does it still count?
Day check:
1. Did I use porn today? Not really porn, maximum it can be graded erotica, but still. I don't know. Probably, won't count it as a lose for now.
2. What were my triggers? Loneliness, low energy, a bit of depression.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? I didn't. I had no time to react on my work.
4. What am  I grateful today? I don't know. Nothing.
5. Day counter! 25 days?

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: January 31, 2018, 01:11:37 AM »
Day 24.
Dammit. I had another wet dream tonight. At least, it wasn't something I really don't want to think about, I just jerked out in my dream. And now it's really hard to pull hand from my pants. But I still manage to do that.
Over these three days nothing big happened, but I started to notice something;
My brain started to recall porn-like things from my past: some hentai manga I liked, sex skypes with my ex-girlfriend, my own endeavors into pleasure. But it's like these links in brain started to really wither and go dim. They still try to arouse me, but I switch my attention to anything else, and they subside. Also, sometimes it feels like I could be aroused by any moving object  :D. Or not moving. Like my own body, which is a little bit strange.

I started to investigate links provided by LEM in my journal and began with meditation. I know it's a very powerful technique and I try to incorporate it into my day plan. Also I try to make like a sleep schedule, go to bed in time and wake up at the same time every day, but it's harder than it seems.
In addition, I ceased a lot of communication in social networks, talking to almost nobody, and I cannot watch memes from them too. It's probably a good step into a better life.

However, it's not like everything is OK, I still fill a little bit down, because of all this stuff going on in my life, probably my dopamin levels are low, but I try to manage them. The best thing to do is communicate, so I write my journal. I also tried chocolate and alcohol, but neither of them bring me satisfaction in long run, and it's what I aim to.
I'll probably continue my investigation today and find some new information about fighting this addiction.

Oh, and one last thing! Actually, it was  really hard to stop my hand in my pants today, but now I wrote a journal entry and feel myself almost at ease. Interesting.

1. Did I use porn today? There was NO porn these three days.
2. What were my triggers? Wet dreams, they a pleasurable, even though they are just dreams. Btw, I don't understand how can one cum after he had wet dreams? Isn't brain suppose to recuperate after an orgasm?
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? Meditation, friends, work and a bit of solemnity.
4. What am I grateful today? Probably, to my work, again. I haven't realize until yesterday that I was really stressed without my job because I was low on money and dependent on my parents and couldn't afford a lot of things and now I feel myself in control of my life, even though I experience some stress on my job.
5. Day counter! 24 days in a row. Actually, I'm surprised but not surprised. It's no wonder that I manage to withhold myself for so "long" because I'm an adult now and a lot of things happened to my brain from willpower point of view. Maybe, I was bound to lose every time in my adolescence because my brain wasn't suitable for fighting? I don't really know. We'll see, how it goes after I turn over 30 days.

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: January 28, 2018, 03:55:12 PM »
Day 21.
Wow, I didn't think I've lasted over 20 days for now. Anyway.
It's not the easiest period of my life right now. Two months ago I break up with my girl. It's a good thing because she was partially to blame for my porn addiction because we sometimes watched porn together, and the porn she suggested was pretty heavy. In the end, she hooked me up on sissy stuff, submission and other things I really don't want to think about.
But, I'm kinda addicted to her, because we could always talk about anything, and now I feel myself so alone.. Sometimes we speak in skype and I stream some Dead  Cells for her, but I don't really know if I should do that. About 5 days ago she sent me her nudes, and they got me aroused, though I managed to shrug them off from my mind and not even touch my penis. I don't know if I should reset my counter? I don't feel like it because I deleted them as soon as I realized what can those photos do to me.

Another problem - I got friendzoned. Not the best feeling in the world, really. But I'll think of something.

Then, I got some ideas on what to do next. I used to meditate a couple of months ago, and I want to resurrect this practice. Also, I want to repair my sleep regimen to be able to do meditation and other things in the morning and before sleep. Next, I want to sign in to the pool nearby. I almost can't swim but I like water very much, so I want to give it a try, maybe purchase a couple of swimming classes.
And, it will count as physical activity, as LEM suggested. I'm surprised somebody read my journal, and it really warmed my heart. At least now I feel myself a little bit less alone fighting this addiction.

My, my, I wrote so much. I usually avoid writing that much text because the more symbols - the harder it to read the text, and the more time it takes for me to, well, write it.

And today's check:
1. Did I use porn today? Nope, sober all week except sudden nudes from ex.
2. What were my triggers? They weren't, I almost didn't think about porn or sex or masturbation this week, hovewer, I've got a huuge boner one morning, and it was hard to shrug it off but I watched some datascience courses and it went away. Probably I'd say it still anxiety and stress.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety and stress? Using only weapon I have now - by using other pleasurable things. A bit of alcohol, tasty food (but not junk), memes (a lot of, actually, I probably will have to give up them one day too), youtube videos (hutts and speedruns), probably will have to quit watching youtube too.

Oh, almost forgot! Today I found some porn link in my browser, I opened it and deleted while it was loading (just out of curiosity), but K9 blocked it! It was so satisfying - to get caught in my own anti-porn trap :3

4. What am I grateful for today?
I don't really know. For you, guys, readers of my journal. You give me some strength not to fall.

5. Day counter! 21 days. I'm closing in on my previous record of 29-30 days. This time I'll do it much better.

Good luck, everyone!

Ages 20-29 / Re: From zero to free man
« on: January 21, 2018, 02:49:54 PM »
Ugh. It's day 14, I guess? Two weeks passed, and now THE REAL BATTLE BEGINS. Yesterday I was at my friend's place, helping her with exams, and then, when she left to take the exam, I, ugh, masturbated, imagining myself with her. I did that for a while and then stopped. It's like I almost couldn't find anything that will stop me from doing that because my brain told me that it's okay to fap on a girl you like and it's nothing wrong with it, so I couldn't even argue with myself. I think it's not a good sign.
Then, black thoughts reappeared. Thoughts and sexual desires I  want to forget and avoid. They are harder to control now.
But, the good thing, I still haven't watched any porn yet, so it's a small light in this darkness.
Hope I have what it takes to quit.
1. I didn't use porn these days.
2. I don't know. Maybe, something in lymbic system spins these thouhgts up. They appear out of nowhere.
3. I probably cannot soothe my anxiety, if it's real.
4. I'm grateful to my friend, because I feel serene, calm, relaxed when I'm with her.
5. 14 days.

Ages 20-29 / Day 9
« on: January 17, 2018, 02:26:40 PM »
Oh, my. This was a rough ten days of my life.
On day 0, after I posted here, I've installed K9 on my laptop and blocked myself away from porn.
Than I made a bet with my close friend (and she's also a girl, but not girlfriend xD) that I will be sober for this 90 days or I'll owe her a good amount of money; she agreed.
Then, the hell continued: I was preparing for my exams (physics and operating systems) from the 2nd of January, and it was really hard. I was depressed a bit, but she helped me get my shit together (and I helped her too, because she basically felt the same way). Aaaand, I passed both of them with excellent mark. Phew. But, after that, I felt myself somewhat empty? I can't describe it, but it wasn't really pleasant.
Then, 15th of January, I met another friend of mine (who is also a girl). I missed her, but she was kinda cold to me, probably, because she has to pass the same exams as me, only later.

On behalf of my greater goal - I didn't watched porn this whole time. Not a single picture nor video, not a single story or something like that. Twice I lost control and found my hand in my pants, but I gathered my willpower and ceased it immediately.
I think that right now it's a bit easier for me to fight, maybe, because I've grown up and my neurons have more myelin, and my prefrontal cortex is more powerful now. Who nows?

And, today's check:
1. I didn't use porn all these days.
2. Anxiety, yes, and stress are really a triggers. Also, I remembered this state, when you, like, are being smashed with a hammer and the next instant you almost cannot control yourself, you can't fight against this overwhelming urge.
I hope this won't happen this time.
3. I tried to soothe my anxiety/stress with social encounters, but they only brought me more pain. Well, I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago, and it's about a month that I feel a glaring abyss inside my soul that I cannot fix. What a shame.
4. I'm grateful for my job, because it helps me a bit to shrug off my free time and make something useful, helpful for myself.
5. Day counter: 9th day (or about so, I'm bad at counting days, sorry).

Ages 20-29 / From zero to free man
« on: January 07, 2018, 08:28:25 AM »
Um, hi, everyone reading my journal. So, I'm a 22-year old student from Russia, I study at ITMO University at St. Petersburg and I have a part-time job (I'm a programmer, a C# backend developer).
I finally decided to reboot because I'm fed up with my sexual tastes - they escalated pretty far from what is considered "normal"; sometimes I hate myself for that and cannot do anything about it. Except rebooting. So, yeah, um, I'm aware of complications because this is not the first time I try to stop watching porn, but last time was a couple of years ago, and about 5 years ago I tried two times. My record was 29 days without porn and masturbation. Now, I feel that I can do it the right way because I know more about it.
So, from this day now on I give up watching porn and masturbating for 90 days. If I have to last longer than that, I'll try.

And, first day check.

1. Did I use porn today?
Yes, I used porn today. :(
2. What were my triggers?
I dunno. I just felt the urge to watch porn and masturbate to it.
3. How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
Um. I have no real way to do this. Usually I eat something sweet but it doesn't help for long. Try sleeping, computer games, series, just to get my mind off that.
4. What am I grateful for today?
I'm grateful I remembered about the YBOP book and this website and decided to try it.
5. Day counter!
0 days. Not for long

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