Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Parhutch

Pages: [1] 2
1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 12, 2017, 02:38:26 AM »
 2 days in - back to fear of everything - but not as bad as it is if use PMO

Really do believe issues that underly porn use are big - it is one thing to be worried about getting a hard on again - whole another thing when you are talking about surviving life itself.  Porn for me was purely a way to numb negative feelings about life.  Hardly ever used it last 10 yrs just because I was horny.

Addiction runs lot deeper than abusing a substance i.e. dopamine in our case.

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 10, 2017, 04:45:16 PM »
Well back to day without porn - terrible night -  but got to my wife's function to support her.

And got hair cut after way too long.  After that felt better then came home to big dose of fear and depression.  Big golfer and love the game - haven't played much at all while coming face to face with this back in December.  Hit some balls around yard - about only thing that truly feels good
for me.  Anyway one day back in and don't feel quite so bad right now.

Still coming to terms with got to work rest of life for these wasted years - try to set things right. First is get rid of this fucking addiction.  Nothing happens until that happens.

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 09, 2017, 10:13:34 PM »
Thanks, New!  Really appreciate everything said.  I know the stressors that exist beyond porn are pretty awesome.  But they didn't seem as insurmountable for most
of the 72 hours without PMO.  Within couple of hours of PMO -they roared back.

Porn is something I can choose or not choose - other stuff not so much. So fight the battle of
porn for now.  Pray the strength gained can help the other.


4
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 09, 2017, 09:44:43 PM »
Depression and loathing really picked up with fear of course - so intense feels like dying and
how do I get thru it - after 45 minutes or so - some relenting - just got to believe we are meant to see something better.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 09, 2017, 06:18:21 PM »
Just PMOed.  Couldn't face fear of work and just wanted drug to escape.  Reading about brain changes I think my was changing due to emotional hell of my late childhood.  The stress there was already chemically changing my brain.  All the alcohol porn caffeine nicotine just added on.  This is 40!years of that activity - scary to read that long term abuse of brain could be irreversible
- God I hope not - but the porn is only one symptom - so much else needs to change - Diet obviously porn but also nicotine caffeine sugar - all hurting brain recovery - it makes me wonder
if it is too late for someone my agen(65).   Very down - but giving up just not an
option - I feel my story has to be run to its course so it can help
others. 

So the hard 90 starts over while exploring more of the neuronscience behind brain addiction.
 Hopefully find some professional help - though money is not good right now.





The

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 09, 2017, 02:03:22 PM »
No porn desire for 3 days at all - plenty of depression and anxiety - all stemming from fear of not having enough money to live rest of life - had the fear at 18 and every day since - literally scared
Everyday of work going wrong.  Without a doubt using porn just totally erased this fear for years and ate up hours in the day when scared to work.  Most jobs have ended
in failure.  And porn was big part of that so hard mode on that for rest of life
- but this fear issue is what I think about it not porn now.  Haven't really thought about PMO
once in 3 days.  But fear is constant.  I am so stymied by it. 

So now beset with depression - dopamine loss from excessive
porn but also the fear is alive and well besetting anxiety.

I just never have found the answer to it.  Porn has to go as it prevents finding the answer -  but stopping it won't kill the fear.
 

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 09, 2017, 10:52:29 AM »
DAY 3 COMPLETE

not all bad either - this morning woke up calm - don't have to go to work as office being moved.  That is a relaxe right there as the work thing and failure are a big problem
for me.  Plus don't really like accounting I think.  Actually not big on business at soon-feeling is first motivation is greed not helping the customer - but things I can't change and maybe wrong anyway.

I am a now 3 day newbie who really doesn't know a damn thing about how to live life.
 But I am 3 days down the road and have some good moments mixed
with the hellish ones.  Pretty grateful - finishing this life up without any more
Porn Panic.  See where life rolls out from there.

GOD BLESS - A BELIEVER & SINNER

 


8
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 08, 2017, 10:20:27 PM »
I understand the hell of withdrawal -  but I am also thinking I have some feelings that are really good.  Would be happy to move thru life with them.  Only 2 and half days in - but I am
very grateful for them.  Just knowing I have faced the beast makes me feel better than when I
rolled over for it - day after day - hour after hour.

9
Porn Addiction / Re: One brief day - but hopefully a big one
« on: February 08, 2017, 08:42:45 PM »
Started journal in 40 and over - DAY 1 / 10:27 am / 2-7-17

10
Porn Addiction / Re: Curious about age of people here
« on: February 08, 2017, 08:30:25 PM »
Original got cut off

Thought there might be some symmetry in this addiction based on age

No idea really -  but was curious if there are many 60 and over PA's

11
Porn Addiction / Curious about age of people here
« on: February 08, 2017, 08:28:28 PM »
65 myself and probabaly the damn oldest around

12
Porn Addiction / Re: Two types of addicts - a theory
« on: February 08, 2017, 08:11:27 PM »
No doubt what you say is true.   But for some of us their are underlying issues that are tough issues even for "normal" people.  Saw my father and his two brothers all die from alcoholism in their early 50's.  All three families were not only emotionally devastated but lost homes and financial security.

I blew it all off with alcohol and porn and said it is what it is.  Underneath a frightened
guy who assumed life would end the same for me.

That has lain the weeds for some 40 plus years and it never left -now it awaits for me to deal with it - hopefully with sobriety, honestly and courage. 

All I hope to gain here so can face it head on as it should have been so long ago.

GOD BLESS - I am believer and a sinner




13
Porn Addiction / Two types of addicts - a theory
« on: February 08, 2017, 06:52:51 PM »
One gets addicted to porn because of excessive use for arousal reasons -
the other to escape some of life's realities.  I am definitely the later.

I speak to this as some of us may find withdrawal much more challenging because
Those "escaped realities" were never escaped from at all. They are waiting for us.

But we have no chance against them until the chemical addition of porn is addressed.
The issues then can be addressed - and since I am only 2 days into my Hard 90 -
have no idea what that will look like.  But I now know this - I have zero chance
if I remain a player porn addict.

GOD BLESS - I am a believer and a sinner


14
Ages 40 and up / Re: My Meditations
« on: February 08, 2017, 06:25:52 PM »
2 days and 7 hours for me - depression and anxiety are awful -but as
William says (suggest you look up his profile of haven't already) says - we have
to embrace the withdrawals - the only way thru to the other side is thru them -
not around them - thru them. 

God Bless -  a believer and a sinner am I


15
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 08, 2017, 04:41:25 PM »
Still big question for me - hitting Diet Coke and dip heavy - calming but also hypes me also - don't these are good in this recovery - but it helps right now - appreciate all and all thoughts here.

I have this gut feeling I am getting a high from this that is the high we are trying to avoid - but would be nice to have it in these early days.  But if it defeats the Hard 90 - it
Ain't worth the risk.  Right now haven't seen it trigger porn desire.

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 08, 2017, 04:28:25 PM »
Actually engaged with work from home - frustrating day but still felt little clarity after doing so -
take good feeling where you can.  May have actually found another business opportunity as well - but anxiousness sets in thinking something good might happen.  That feels weird -
Fearing something good - but goes with territory it seems.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 08, 2017, 10:23:32 AM »
Thanks Matt, William and WIP,

Yeah I am damn good at being critical of myself - learned that as child of Alcoholic.

So glad to get some feedback - did sleep little better last night.
 I am a CPA who got into accounting because already making bad decisions due to fear. Father was dying of alcoholism and we were losing our home.  Thought it would be best thing at that time but never even considered did I like it.  Have not liked it but also started using the light porn at that time
To handle it and lots of alcohol.  Stopped alcohol in 1988 - wasn't even hard but the porn was still there and felt better to be honest.

Now income is precarious and just don't feel like facing that fear every day - right now so damn tired
and shaky.  Head feels light - feel like I am going to just drop. Laying down right now.  Also drinking Diet Coke and dipping - it settles me briefly but not that long.

 But 48 hours in now and like Matt said have done this before and never felt this bad  -
 but as Matt said never been this serious either.  Almost like the demon knows wow the SOB is really trying to fight - need to really crush him now.

Lot said - but 2 days in and keep the porn away and alll sexual thoughts.
 To be honest feel too damn bad to do anything.







 

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 07, 2017, 06:23:00 PM »
Depression thick - seems as if I won't make it to help us financially and dread the day tomorrow - no desire to use porn at all -  but these horrible feelings are why I did use it.  Now I just sit in dread and fear.   Very very scary

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 07, 2017, 03:33:43 PM »
More thoughts  - the desire to use porn doesn't rally hit me - but these fears that existed before HSID are really overwhelming - I sometimes feel I have fear disorder as opposed to porn need.

I just want the fears to go away - been there for 43 years - don't really know how I made it this far

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journal
« on: February 07, 2017, 02:20:17 PM »
27 hours without porn - self loathing and fear that I should have
to pay for all the wasted time I have neglected family and wife.  All because so afraid to engage for fear of failing - and now I feel like I truly have.  And deserve bad consequences for this stuff.
 
Drank 2 Diet Cokes and dipped to get relief - always another crutch - they work for few minutes and then it is worse - once stopped feel bad but not as bad as when I do it.  Seeems there is more acceptance when without caffeine and nicotine - painful but not as intimidating - wow what have I'd done - what have I done.

Must embrace this and fight on - 90 days 90 days 90 days - trust that the landscape will be different.  I don't want to die away at a computer screen for the rest of my life.  There is something better - a peace that passerby all understands I hope.


21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/16
« on: February 07, 2017, 11:38:20 AM »
Couple of questions - fear of job has been trigger for long long time.  Having to get up and start
worrying all the time sends me to porn.  Would like to spend a few days waking and not dealing with work - just rest some at home - with a peaceful mind.  Am I coping out there ?

22
Ages 40 and up / Journal - Day 1 done at 10am CST today 2/7/17
« on: February 07, 2017, 11:19:54 AM »
Day 1 started yesterday after sex call for what I hope is the last time.  I have been addicted to this stuff for some 40 years.  HSIP definitely accelerated it but was there first time I saw nude woman.

I am an "issues underlying" guy - tough tough times for my family -
Looking at nude women made it all go away.  These issues haunt for sure - but as William One and Done says - do the hard 90 and then See where you are. First things
First.  So one day in - last night utter hell- couldn't sleep and started having waves of panic fear and
Anxiety.  Thought I was going to black out or die - just tried to breathe slowly and said this isn't real - I can make it thru thus without porn - after 30 minutes relief - cousins sleep but the fear anxiety and doom was gone.  Small step but building block from Day 1.

Fear of job failure has been trigger for long time - not even sure how it all
Connects at this point -  but not going to intellectualize this at that time.
Believe this disease likes us to try to fight it intellectually as it wins every time
Then.  Must be fought with knowledge for sure but just do the time as William
and see where you are.

23
Porn Addiction / Re: One brief day - but hopefully a big one
« on: February 07, 2017, 02:12:42 AM »
 Can't sleep - panic anxiety fear all wash over me - as I lay in this panic - one thought - embrace the pain and tell it to fuck off.  Still can't sleep but the fear anxiety and panic are gone - small step but a key one for me - facing down the issues for now without using porn.








24
Porn Addiction / One brief day - but hopefully a big one
« on: February 06, 2017, 07:20:21 PM »
One day in - horrible depression and anxiety and feeling of doom - but thought of the words of William One and Done - welcome the pain - fuck it - you can take whatever but you aren't getting my soul - fuck porn!

25
Thanks - I feel so much guilt for putting my wife in such a precarious financial position.  And so lacking confidence to work - as feared work failure all my life

Pages: [1] 2