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Messages - Firstbigstep

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Well, here goes - year 2 of this recovery
« on: December 15, 2017, 02:18:59 AM »
Well, in a twist of fate, I now have a new lady in my life. It's all vary new and we've not been intimate. No chance of that until February - we live a distance apart, so opportunities are few and far between.

Definitely no PMO from now until then. Not quite the full 90 days, but a good chunk of it.

Thanks all of you for still being there for me.

2
Ages 40 and up / Well, here goes - year 2 of this recovery
« on: December 04, 2017, 06:26:43 AM »
Hi everyone,

I posted about my background and my life in the run up to finding this forum and you guys, the community that make it so important.

I've fallen off the absolute no PMO wagon.

But I'm far less dependent on porn than in the past and this is the start of my re commitment to my reboot.

I'm not sure what to say at this point - I've been pretty low for a long while, but have resisted the temptation of porn around 90% of the time.

I know that's not the aim, not the target, but it is a big step forward from where I was before.

I'm dealing with a lot in my life at present, so this is one of a number of things I need to address.

I'll keep you all posted with any progress as it happens.

Thanks for being there - Just over a year in, it's an interesting place to be.

3
Women / Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« on: October 21, 2017, 11:46:55 PM »
Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

Obviously I am, if you like, collateral damage here. I realise that, on re reading my post, it sounds like I'm more worried about me than her. That is definitely not the case. I'm experiencing nothing compared to what she is going through.

She too has experienced harassment and some kind of sexual assault within her (now defunct) marriage. I think the "me too" campaign will make a lot of guys look at their own behaviour. Sadly, many of those who don't will be the ones who should.

I am trying to find a local centre where I can talk to someone about how best to help her and help myself to deal with this situation. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again for your support and compassion.

4
Women / Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« on: October 20, 2017, 01:38:25 AM »
Hi ladies.

This is a really difficult topic for me, which is why this seems to be the perfect place to discuss it.

I had a tremendous 3 1/2 year relationship with an amazing woman which ended in a pretty harsh fashion on her part some 5 or 6 years ago.

We've kept in touch and still see each other most months for a drink. She knows that I still love her despite the fact that she left me for someone else (who she's still with despite his domineering and controlling behaviour)

I stayed at her house on Wednesday night (as I have on a number of other occasions) as I had an early start the next morning 10 minutes from her house.

We were discussing the "me too" campaign after a couple of drinks and she was particularly vehement about the issues it highlights.

It came as a horrific shock to hear her say that she had been raped by a powerful work colleague. Not only that, but the timing ties in with both her finishing with me and the start of some of her self destructive behaviour and self chastisement. I realise now that it was about this time that I first heard her saying something I've heard hundreds of times since: "I'm a terrible person"

I've met the guy concerned.

I'm also devastated by the fact that we had talked of moving in together, having a life together, being together. I can't help but think that this assault has been at the root of a lot of things and may have had deep impacts on all of us involved.

What should I do? How do I move on - I'm devastated by the news, I want to rip the guy's head off, I'm heartbroken that someone I love has a) been through the horror of the incident b) has carried it inside for 6 years (she's not told anyone else) c) feels that she is responsible "I should have fought him off harder, I snogged him, I was drunk"

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm in bits.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: October 20, 2017, 01:13:51 AM »
Hi all! Well. I have been so busy with work that I've hardly had time to do anything, least of all look at porn. So, I'm suddenly at about 26 days - just like that.

Whilst being rammed with work has helped, knowing that you are all here on my side makes a massive difference too. Thank you.

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 28, 2017, 02:28:24 PM »
Well... 5 days in and, just like the first time, I'm getting insomnia, irritability and a few other symptoms.

But at least I know what to expect this time!

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Devastated
« on: September 27, 2017, 11:53:37 PM »
That is a fabulous,  inspiring post! Thank you for sharing your marvellous news.

Have a great marriage.

Love from the Nation.

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: Looking for an accountability partner
« on: September 27, 2017, 09:34:57 AM »
Fellow UK rebooted here. Drop me a line if there's anything I can do to help you.  We all need support.

9
Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: September 27, 2017, 01:20:38 AM »
Only have a couple of minutes but just wanted to say Hi and that there is a lot of love and support for you here.

We're all in this together.

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 27, 2017, 12:31:50 AM »
Thanks for that!

You are right - i remember a girl sitting down next to me at a party where, yet again, I was in Billy-no-mates mode. With genuine compassion, she sat and chatted to me and asked me a question, one that has stuck for nearly 30 years...

"Would you want to come and spend time with someone like you?"

I'm not great at being what others want, it would appear, but I do try!

Thanks for your support.

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: Day 1 - Terrified
« on: September 27, 2017, 12:22:23 AM »
Hi Windhorse,

Hope you are are doing ok. I'm on my second reboot - the first one came apart for about 3 months, so this is day 4 of Rebooting my reboot!

One thing I learned a long while ago is to be vigilant of the language you use in your internal dialogue. Watch out for telling yourself it's going to be hard - far better to be telling yourself you're strong enough to beat this challenge. As a man who has successfully kicked other habits, I'm sure this isn't a new idea but I just thought I'd chuck it out there in the hope it might help.

As to the excercise thing... I can't abide gyms - dull, boring, and sterile. As a non athlete, the idea of taking regular excercise was beyond me. Then I started running. Nothing much, but it has become a major part of my life. I feel fitter, have lost weight and have a great new group of friends as a result. If it's any help, there's a Facebook Group - Your Pace or Mine - Hither Green. If you'd like to join for the banter and support, feel free! I'll approve your application, wherever you are!

We're all in this together - thanks for being part of the community.

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 25, 2017, 04:37:01 PM »
Yes, rejection is a big trigger!

I'll give some more insights into just how screwed up I am emotionally when I have a few minutes!

Still, day 2 done... plenty to go, I hope.

And thanks for your support...

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: September 24, 2017, 11:04:59 AM »
Hi Mayer,

Welcome to the grey and grizzled carriage! I can scarcely remember 40!

We've chatted before and your wife has offered some great insights into the whole porn dependence and rebooting process.

Just thought I'd say hi and can you budge up a bit - I'm getting back on board the reboot express (though it feels like the slow train at times!)


14
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 23, 2017, 11:42:48 PM »
Thanks Lyon - that really helps.

Day 1 done - despite all the habitual temptations...

Here we go with day 2. I'm not a big counter of days, but these early one are important.

Thanks for your support - it makes a big difference, knowing that someone out there has your back.

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: Day 1 - Terrified
« on: September 23, 2017, 11:36:35 PM »
You are definitely not alone! I've ruined the best part of 40 years of my life with porn. It's wrecked relationships, my career, a whole host of things.

You have the advantage of knowing you can kick habits - I've still a number to deal with, but porn is the biggie. Just completed day..... again!

Good luck, stay strong.

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 22, 2017, 05:15:46 AM »
Hi everyone,

Thanks for your interest and support. I really appreciate it.

You have an interest in my relapse, so I'll do my best to explain what happened. I've probably not examined it deeply, so it may well be a good idea for me too.

If you've not read my history, it's all here, but I'll give a brief refresher course on the last few years, as it sets the scene for my relapse.

I lived in a sexless, pretty dysfunctional marriage for nearly 20 years. The sex (and there was never a lot of it) stopped pretty much as soon as we discovered that I'm all but sterile. It stopped entirely with the miraculous arrival of our IVF baby, who is now 12.

I've not had sex in nearly 5 years. It was just over 4 when I first heard about this forum.

So, my interest in porn, which has been there for 40 years, became more of a crutch than ever, with the accompanying PIDE - as opposed to PIED.

14 months ago, I moved out of my marital home and into a room in a shared house - not quite what I wanted in my early 50's, but hey...

I'd been pretty vigilant in my reboot and had gone 120 or so days without using porn. I'd also been seeing a young lady who was giving encouraging signs that things might go further. We'd agreed she'd come and stay after a day out at the seaside. We had a lovely day out and all looked good until we got to the railway station, where she bailed on me.

To be honest, it felt like I was 15 all over again. "I've had a lovely time, we can still be friends, I just felt a bit awkward... blah , blah, blah."

To be honest, it destroyed my self confidence. I've never been a confident guy, least of all in matters relating to girls. I realise now that I reverted to exactly how I dealt with rejection in my formative years.

I now need to grow up again... which is painful. But I know I have to go through it. It's just that I've dropped back into the ruts I started to make back then.

What I've noticed is that losing a grip (leave all jokes here!) on that one thing has undermined a whole load of other areas I had got under control. It was shortly after finding this forum that I realised that my porn dependence had been at the root of a lot of my issues over the years. This recent period of return to it has proved that it's the case.

So. I'm working hard on binning the porn again. I don't like the way it makes me feel and certainly don't like what it does to my life.

I hope that brief account is a help to someone - this community has helped me a lot, I hope this gives something back.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: September 20, 2017, 12:43:00 PM »
Right...

Well, that's been a pretty interesting diversion. It's interesting to me to see how invidious the effects of porn are on other aspects of my life.

I had managed to get well over 100 days - not sure how many it was when I fell off the wagon, but it's been a real struggle to get back on board. I didn't realise that those neural pathways were so entrenched, yet they obviously are, because once I fell back in the ruts, it's been a real battle to get back on the right path. I hope to find enough time to read a lot on here again and find the inspiration to reboot my reboot.

I'd appreciate the support of the community in trying to get back into the healthy ways I felt I'd mastered a while ago, as I know it won't be easy to do it alone.

Thanks for you all being there still.

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: August 14, 2017, 01:17:15 AM »
Good morning everyone.

Thank you for your care and concern for me.

It's been a difficult period in my life, probably the toughest set of challenges I've faced in a very long time - mainly made difficult by being single after so long being part of a nuclear family.

It is surprising to me just how easy it is to slip back into the old ways and how "comfortable" those mental ruts are - just goes to show how deeply ingrained they were/are. So, once more, I need to get my act together and haul myself back to where I was.

What has been interesting (if that's the right word) is the fact that my wider life reflects my mental state and my position relating to PMO. When I was PMO free, my room was tidy, I was better presented and my business affairs were in good order. Once I slipped, everything slipped at once. I'm not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg. I do know that I have it in me to break the PMO cycle, and that is a point where the other aspects of my life can improve. I just need to commit to it once again. And that's why I'm here today. Here we go again.

Day 1...

19
Hi Pap,

Earlier in this thread there was a post about concentrating on the abstinence, rather than the recovery.

If you are simply counting days without "failing" you are by implication, looking to fail again after x days.

I'd suggest you need to look at the decision you made. Was it a decision to change your behaviour or a just a way to get back on terms with your wife? From what you say about your Facebook and email activities, you've not yet committed to give up your flirting and sexting, both of which are actions that lead you into dangerous territory.

Partners know us. they know what's going on in our minds. They sense stuff. Your wife almost certainly has picked up on something about your behaviour that isn't entirely authentic. She's unlikely to welcome you with open arms whilst that is still on her mind.

I'm not sitting on some pinnacle of excellence here - (read my journal if you want to know where I'm coming from) but you, my friend, need to decide whether you want to fix your life for yourself, and your wife, or whether you want to carry on deceiving both of you. Deceiving yourself is a rotten place to be, as you are constantly both lying and being lied to.

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: July 10, 2017, 03:07:17 AM »
Thanks aquarius.

I'm ok... not quite back where I was 2 months ago, which is frustrating; but not where I was 12 months ago, which is a relief.

You know my story.

Trying to sort out the aftermath of the failure of my marriage, build a relationship with my daughter,  provide enough income to effectively pay for 2 households, love myself enough and deal with the issues this forum targets is a lot to manage.

I guess that's being a grown up. Not sure if I'm very good at that.

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: June 30, 2017, 07:05:11 AM »
Hi aquarius.

Life isn't exactly joyous... I'm facing some real financial pressures at present that are making it difficult to stay positive. The brush off from the young lady last month has knocked my confidence pretty badly - I don't think she had any idea how much bottle it took for me to even make a move.

To be turned down with exactly the same phrases as I heard nearly 40 years ago really hurt - it's as though all I've experienced in the meantime counts for nothing.

Still, I'm trying hard to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on again. But it sure ain't easy.

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Need to try something different
« on: June 21, 2017, 07:08:13 AM »
Good luck with your reboot. It is very much one day at a time.

My advice is to come here daily and read some if the oartners' stories. For me, they shone a bright light on the collateral damage my habit had caused.

This forum has offered me huge support over the past few months.


23
Ages 40 and up / Re: Aiming for a genuine and healthy me
« on: June 20, 2017, 06:32:29 AM »
Hi Richard, and a belated welcome. Loads of parallels to my own situation - particularly the self hatred aspects. I won't bore you with  (another) account of how I got here - if you have a look at my journal, it's all there!

What I will do is endorse this forum. If I'm entirely honest, not everyone is at the same point in their journey.  I find myself challenged by those who appear to be entirely focused on their sexual prowess and equally by those whose entire journals appear to be a sequence of lapses.

From what you've written,  you seem to be aware of the wider implications of your porn use - there are many here who will offer you support, guidance and compassion throughout your journey.

Wishing you all the very best with the process.

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: First big steps, but well needed
« on: June 20, 2017, 06:14:23 AM »
Thanks guys.

Sorry I've not been around for a while - life gets in the way at times.

I'm actually really glad to have gone through a lapse. I have more insight into how it feels, both for myself and for others, to fall off the wagon.

I've now spent around 3 weeks rolling around in the dust and crap of the track the wagon was going down. It's getting better, as I know which way it went and I'm now off in pursuit. I don't think the wagon moves very fast but it doesn't stop. The sooner I got to my feet, dusted myself down and set off after it, the more chance I had of getting back on board.

Budge up, I'm coming back on board!

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: 33 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« on: June 13, 2017, 04:27:38 AM »
It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the fog of depression that not being where you want to be can generate.

I think a couple of other contributors have suggested that you change your log in name. I wouldn't necessarily go that far, as it might act as a reminder of how far you have come. But I would strongly suggest keeping an eye on what you are telling yourself.

Worrying that you might never experience a full satisfying sexual experience is likely to actually reduce the likelihood of that very thing happening.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26, so I can relate to being a late starter. I'm currently 3 1/2 years into another barren patch. It's bloody frustrating - everyone else seems to be having sex left, right and centre.

But I am working on being the kind of person someone will want to sleep with. It's not easy (there isn't a huge market for 52 year old guys with broken marriages around where I live!) But I am working hard on improving myself, for myself in the hope that this process will improve my chances.

Try some positive affirmations first thing in the morning. Put some reminders around your room. Do anything but give in to the behavioural habits that have got you to where you are.

Support is here for you but you are the only one who can take action.

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