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Messages - Mayer

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: April 13, 2018, 02:48:43 AM »
It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. There has been a lot going on lately. Mostly life and work. Had a great easter holiday. Since then I have been learning and training into my new job. I think I am becoming a much better person, I am out of the last job which is a relief. That environment was quite toxic, holding back my recovery. In this new job I feel like I am becoming the person I want to be. I am not running myself down, I am having more faith in my own ability. I am leaving behind any perverted or misogynistic talk, all of which was to impress and joke with other guys in my last job. I am hopefully creating a persona that can be respected and trusted but not a fake persona, one I want to be. I have more or less finished my training, so week after next I will be on a late afternoon shift. This will limit time with my wife but open up more time with the children. Hopefully it will work out for the better.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 25, 2018, 04:57:14 AM »
So I finished on Friday, I was mentally checked out already. I taught my replacement everything I know. Said goodbye to everyone, there were so many nice people that I'm leaving. I never realised, and it was real nice as a lot of them turned up to say goodbye. It did make me think twice about what I was leaving behind. But for me the environment was quite toxic, too much for me to rise above. The new job is not only an improvement for our family life but also and step forward for my recovery. I now need to live as I the man I want to be, I need to not drop into the character I used to be. It will be difficult, I like to fit in but sometimes that means not being me. In fact a lot of the time it means creating a different persona just to be liked. This time I will be me, new job tomorrow, it should be fun.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 17, 2018, 03:37:11 AM »
I have been feeling much more relaxed lately. I am ready to start my new job and I have already mentally checked out of my old one. Just tying up loose ends now. I am looking forward to my new daily plan. I have been considering how to keep up recovery while on my new shift pattern. As I will be working from 4pm till midnight I have been thinking I should be able to get exercise in then shower just before work everyday, that will help me feel more positive. Im feeling a bit unhealthy and tired lately so I will be glad to start up a consistent exercise session. I am thinking I will read in the morning before any homeschooling and then the rest of the day will be taken up with the kids. I would like to get some meditation in too, maybe after work before bed. Slowly everything seems to be fitting together, falling in to place.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 09, 2018, 03:38:22 AM »
Well I got the job, yay. Just filling out all the paperwork for it. It was a long drawn out process, each time I contacted them about the state of my application it felt like I was putting them out, even annoying them. I was getting stressed out about it all, they took a long time getting back to me about anything. In the pre employment medical I was honest about my health, I answered all their questions. I have a few health problems that don't affect my ability to do my job. So I got called in for a third interview to discuss my health. They thanked me for my honesty and said most people lie on these forms. So after that interview they took a long time getting back to me with an answer. In that time I was regretting being so honest, thinking I had just lost the chance for a really cool job. I was also starting to resent my would be employer for dragging the process out so much. So I am holding grudges and questioning whether being honest is really worth it, two things I am trying to change about myself. As it happened they offered me the job but said it was hard to convince upper management. So I am happy the whole process is nearly over, but I am not happy about the range of emotions and thoughts that went through my head. I need to meditate more I think, I feel at the mercy of my thoughts. I think the worst, I start believing I am not wanted, or not good enough, I begin to hate on myself for doing things wrong and I stress. I haven't been feeling like I am going to relapse, more like I have just been a bit blank and out of sorts mentally. I am good with routine so I am out of my comfort zone until things settle again, and that is still a few months away.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: March 01, 2018, 04:13:28 AM »
Hi 5dawgs, I didn't know I had an addiction until my wife walked in on me and I didn't admit it to myself until months later. I had to come to terms with the fact i had been a liar and a cheat. But I do have good morals, I believe the addiction was making the lying and cheating acceptable, what they don't know can't hurt them, right. But really if you search deep down, you know it is wrong, keeping secrets from the one person you are supposed to share everything with is wrong. If she finds out by accident, the hurt for her will be a million times worse than if you have the courage to tell her yourself. You need support through this addiction too, I know my wife has done everything she can and more for me, and she has stayed through it all which is incredible when I put her through so much pain. It is a hard choice to make for an addict, I told many lies and kept many secrets, and I can understand the logic about not telling your wife. But you have realised you have a problem and honesty is a character trait you need to beat addiction. I don't know if I would have told my wife if I had realised I was an addict before she had discovered me, I think with the recovery thinking I have now and what I know now from what we have been through I would. If I was in your position only just starting recovery I don't think I would have had the courage. Nobody wants to cause their spouse undue pain, but at the same time everything is going to be a lie from you from now on. If you join a 12 step group and you are religious then SA is great, but each time you go you are going to have to lie about where you are going, lie about what happened, each time you watch porn, or can't get it up or anything really. The lies will and have already infected your whole life, maybe for now just try and be conscious about how much you have to bend the truth and the little fibs and stories you have to tell to keep you secret each day. I can't endorse keeping secrets from a spouse, it's not morally right, a marriage is supposed to be coupling where everything is shared, there are no lies. Coming clean will hurt her, there is no way to avoid it, and the advice I give to you if you decide to tell her is to tell her everything. Write a full disclosure to give to her when she is ready, because each time she finds out something new it will hurt her like the first time you tell her, and believe me, me and my wife have experienced that a few too many times, trust will be obliterated. Also get help with books and forums and support groups and bury yourself in recovery material, so she knows that you are going to try as hard as you can to overcome your addiction and become honest and trustworthy again. Ask for her help, of course her staying and supporting will be her choice, there is nothing you can do about that, but she still deserves to know.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Denies his porn problem
« on: February 24, 2018, 01:41:24 AM »
Your relationship sounds quite abusive at the moment. You don't deserve the gas lighting, dishonesty or disrespect. You can't fix him, he can only fix himself, and if he is not going to counselling with you then he must be in denial, and afraid that he will have to accept that and change. I am a recovering porn addict, I know what the denial phase is like. I thought I had done nothing wrong, I wanted to keep everything the same, I wanted to have my cake and eat it. This is what he wants too, he wants you to accept that he is normal so he can continue watching porn. But he is not normal, he is an addict, I know for me a big kick in the butt was the threat of breaking up, we also had trial separations, I think these really brought home for me everything I was set to lose if I continued on my destructive path. I think you need to seriously think about a trail separation, because if he is like me he needs something to break the denial and get him into recovery.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 23, 2018, 04:04:15 AM »
So I had my medical for this new job and filled out a million forms and sent them away, it was very intense. So now I have to wait over the weekend to find out if I have the job. It's going to be testing weekend with the extra stress, a probably a stressful few weeks after depending on what happens. I think I have enough strength and support to get through them though. In general I feel good, I feel excited that I could be out of a poisonous situation at my current work and I know that will turn to relief. A new car, job and change in life style I think is going to be good for the family and recovery and continued happiness.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 17, 2018, 03:53:40 AM »
I have been very busy this week, with work and with the new job application. I have had 2 interviews, which went well and they are very keen to employ me. Now I have to jump through quite a few hoops to secure the job. I have a medical to go through, a police check, and another application form to fill out. I also had to do cognitive ability tests, and personality test. I have a lot to still go through before I see a contract. I think other people would give up at this point, it is definitely quite stressful and I need to keep up my recovery or I feel like I could relapse. Stress definitely weakens my will power and also makes me look for relief, which if I didn't know better it would have been in the form of PMO. So I have been keeping myself occupied with the kids, playing minecraft with them, tidying and cleaning, gardening and anything else to occupy my mind. I want to crochet again, I did it for a while but nearly got as addicted to that as I did to porn. My daughter was wearing a hat I made, and because I hadn't seen it in a while I couldn't believe how good it was, I don't remember being all that good at it. I need to find time for that hobby though, maybe during winter when the garden takes a bit of a back seat.
So we have the possibility of some big changes and it is hard not to get over exited about them. If I get this job, it means my wife will pick up more hours, it means we need a car and in the future probably move house closer to both our works. I like things to be done and settled already so it is hard not to jump in and spend lots of money and get things done. We have done things like this before, especially last time we moved house, and although it turned out OK in the end there was a period there where we were going to be homeless. So I would like for that not to happen this time, I want to take time and make sure everything we do is well thought out and nothing is rushed. I do feel like moving jobs and house will benefit both me and my wife, I think it will help banish memories of the bad days we have had here, and this place can only be triggering in some ways for her, as this house was full of my secrets. A new place and a new start can only be good to continue our relationship.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 10, 2018, 01:57:19 AM »
Things are continuing to happen, I feel like I am on a upward path in general. I am very conscious of what I say and do. Sometimes I slip when I get drawn into the wrong conversations, and I cringe when I do this. I am already asking for forgiveness internally as I know I am doing wrong. Mostly though I am on the right track and as long as feel bad about talking this way then I will stop, completely. I have an interview for a new job too, the shift goes on till late, but this gives my wife time to fit her new job in. It also gives me a fresh start, it will be much easier to change grow and mature when I don't have my history holding me back. I am hoping this job is all it is cracked up to be. I am also looking forward to spending more time with my kids. Because I won't start work till the afternoon it means I can spend the morning looking after and teaching the kids. Up until now I haven't had much input in the homeschooling. Partly because of work and partly because of my addiction. It had an amazing hold on my brain. Now I need to make up for lost time with them.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: February 02, 2018, 02:50:53 AM »
So, I continue along my journey of maturity and character change. I'm taking small steps but I think they are important, I,m not entertaining any jokes or discussions about women. At work these end up derogatory and frankly untrue, guys like to get together and inflate there own egos. My boss was trying to get a discussion going about our prime minister and how being pregnant will mean she will have to step down. I wouldn't talk about it because it has already happened in another country, plus she is in the job on merit, she is intelligent, and she has a plan for how she is going to continue being head of the country. I actually thought it was real positive news until my boss came in with his mysogony. Because I refused to agree with him or pander to him which I would normally do in jest, he actually got quite upset.
I have applied for a different job, one I think I will find very rewarding. Repairing and maintaining a huge climate controlled nursery. I have a very keen interest in plants, so I am really looking forward to this application. I hope I get it and can move away from the toxic environment I am in currently. I think it will be less pay, but my wife is taking on work so hopefully it can work out, it will be good for my recovery.
Other than that I feel I have been very good this week and not ogling other women, I have definitely noticed some but left it at that. It is not second nature like I want it to be, but it will be. I still can't get hold of my swearing, I actually think it's getting worse.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 28, 2018, 04:17:13 PM »
Hi Gracie, me and my wife do the same thing with television, we make sure we know the content of anything we watch before we watch it. We haven't fast forwarded through any sex scenes, if the show is too triggering we just turn it off. There was an example of a show we started watching the other day that actually had no sex in it. But there were scenes where this young couple were talking about oral sex and watching porn. Nothing happened on the screen, no sex, no porn was shown, but it does then put ideas in your head, especially being a porn addict.

As for character change, I haven't been back to work yet. I am trying to slowly change to not draw too much attention to myself. I have a boss who's a misogynist and loves to joke about sex and women all day long. Because I joked with him about these things it is hard to stop. I suppose in a perfect world I would just stop and people would accept my choice, in a workshop environment that doesn't happen. So I am trying to find a way avoid too much ridicule.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 26, 2018, 02:47:53 AM »
This week has been pretty busy and tiring. It has been very hot here too. I have zero motivation when it is hot. I have been pretty good at work though, I have held my tongue and even stated my disapproval of some jokes that were too gross. I have been getting questioning facial expressions sometimes, but nothing direct yet, nothing like "what's wrong with you today", which is good so far. I have a feeling those sorts of questions are coming. I will probably just shrug it off as if nothing is wrong rather than trying to explain that I am trying to better myself. I think stating that amongst my present work colleagues will only lead to more questions and put downs. Still can't stop swearing.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 22, 2018, 12:34:02 AM »
So first day of character change was quite good. Quite a few times I managed to leave my boss hanging and not respond to his jokes. It made him look a bit stupid because he directed a few jokes towards me in front of other people. It just made him look like a dirty old man. I still swore quite a lot. I think the swearing is going to be the hardest habit to break.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 21, 2018, 01:58:04 AM »
Thanks, I will start tomorrow, it is my first day back after the weekend. I am going to try to be the bigger man. Better man. I am going to try to push aside my selfishness and self centred ways. I am intelligent and it shows in my work but not in my character, I need to align these things. I have a tendency to put myself down to other, calling myself a fool. And yes I own up to any mistakes I make, so I am honest in that respect but I put myself down in the process. I make myself the butt of my own jokes. It's time to change.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 20, 2018, 11:50:11 PM »
Thanks TakeActionNow for your insight. It is easy to read what you say and think yes I can do that, that is what I want to do. It makes me feel empowered and strong, but in reality I don't think I am strong enough. When it comes to the crunch I feel I will not be able to change completely or quickly. I do though have a good well paid job, and there is only really one guy (who happens to be my manager) that is keeping me back. It is really hard not to engage him, like I have done before. But you have given me something, you have given me a place to start from, I can use what you have posted to begin my maturity. I think I will progress, even this week, I have motivation to become better. Thanks for your post

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 19, 2018, 03:07:00 AM »
I can't believe I am 40, because I am so immature. I still feel like a 20 something. I need to grow up, I go through phases of maturity. I mean I have mature moments, but it feels more like I am 20 and having mature moments rather than being 40 and having immature moments. I need to get out of my current situation to mature better. I have been working at my current place of work for a while before d day, so my character and personality was already in place. I am generally a light hearted, jovial character. I have a need to fit in I suppose, and be liked, I don't mind being the butt of jokes. I am generally smart enough to realise whatever joke is coming embellish upon it, even if it is about me. I accept it, I play the role of the slightly odd, funny guy. The problem is to gain my maturity is to change my character, it is really hard to do. People expect stupid responses from me so I play to them, I need a blank slate to change. I need to change jobs in order further my recovery and stop getting drawn into my workplace character. This character is really a fake me just try to fit in. I spent a long time being out of touch and what I perceived unliked by school or work mates. I found this character the only way to become part of a team. I think it's time I connect with people on a more mature level. It is time for me to act my age.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 12, 2018, 03:55:50 AM »
I have been feeling good lately, my wife is also seems quite happy. We have been very intimate and loving toward each other. It feels really good, a remarkable turn around from what I feared would be us breaking up. I can say I am incredibly happy, I think if things can stay like this for a while then trust and security will naturally build and we can be a fantastic couple again.
We are getting together on finances and on getting the house organised and parenting, the more we can do anything together is great for us. No matter how mundane the task might be, it becomes much more fulfilling if we both input and come together decisions. I think we used to be like this years ago which made us an amazing couple back then, so finding this again is fantastic.
I think in the past I would have blamed our disconnection having children taking up our time, or work or housework or procrastination. But really it was the porn disconnecting us, any of those things I mentioned could have been enjoyed, overcome, if we had done them together.
I now think the children are getting are much better parenting now me and my wife are connecting again, they thrive when we do. I want this to be like this and continue to get better.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: January 05, 2018, 03:46:56 AM »
I managed to break my own inner boundary the other day by looking up a celeb profile. I realised then I do not know my own boundaries. I wrote them but don't remember them, that makes them pretty pointless doesn't it. So I have added to my smart phone app to read them and my wife boundaries each week to keep them fresh in my mind. Breaking my boundaries also breaks hers in some way too. I wrote my ones over a year ago, when I read them first time I thought they need a bit of updating, but after reading them through a few more times they all seem relevant still. I don't know whether that means I'm not really progressing in my recovery or whether these boundaries will be with me for life. I suppose they will become second nature in the end, the boundaries will make me a better person and I won't need to remind myself of them I will live by them. At the moment I am learning all about the importance of values instilled in us that help us not become addicts in the first place. Things our parents and life would have taught us and we hold dear and live by, so this does cross over with my boundaries as they reflect the values of the person I want to be. I am starting some exercises through Stanton peele to identify my core values and find out where I am lacking. We will see what comes of it, I think generally my values are good and healthy, there must be some twisted up in there somewhere that I hope I can identify.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: December 30, 2017, 02:45:11 AM »
Well, I know I feel bad, ashamed and lonely. My wife came to me with a proposition of a parenting marriage. This is where we stay together for the children but disconnect from each other. I think we have a good enough relationship with each other to be able to do this. I things had been so bad lately I thought the subject was most likely going to be divorce or separation whilst I was hoping for staying together. This was somewhere in the middle so I thought it was better that splitting up, I was also kind of relieved that we had something to aim for. So I agreed with her, I don't like to argue and her to get upset or make things worse. Later on she was upset anyway about me accepting the parenting marriage, and not fighting for her. We hadn't really been talking so it is quite difficult to get any sort of conversation going about where we are going as a couple. I do love her, I am fighting for her, we are happier right now, so it's really baby steps from here. But I am really happy that I haven't lost her, and that we can start again.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: December 23, 2017, 03:12:33 PM »
Thanks Gracie, you have great insight. One of my problems is knowing how I feel, sometimes I don't even know myself. Hopefully we can resurrect our relationship and it be better than ever.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: December 22, 2017, 03:28:00 AM »
Well things aren't going great at the moment. I have broken my wife's boundaries and trust yet again. She caught me ogling another woman, which is another one of my horrible habits that has come about only in later years. I used not be able to even look at another woman I was that shy. It seems that as I have got older my inhibitions have dropped, if that is what you call them, and I have slowly become a pervert. I look at old photos of myself now and just see a pervert.
    Not only did she catch me but I also denied it, and attempted gas lighting, although she sees through me straight away. I don't know why I lied about it, well I do, I didn't want anymore friction in our marriage, I know that I need to be honest and truthful about everything but it is still hard in the moment not to defend myself even though it was indefensible. It was a stupid reaction, I wish I could have at least the last year of my life again so that I am not such a prick about my recovery. I wish I could have the last 17 years of my life again so that could get rid of these habits before they started.
      So I was asked to leave the house for a week, for breaking boundaries, which I did. I stayed in a really shitty campsite, but at least I had a bed. I can back early as she was sick and needed help with the kids, and herself. I can say that I thought I was stronger, my emotions have been numbed out with the porn use for sure. But the days away from home and from my children and wife were the hardest of my life. I have been on holiday and so has she, with the kids, but both those times I knew it was only a holiday, this time it felt like it could be forever. So I was kind of glad she got sick and I could come back early.
       i have a new found faith in myself, completely driven by the reality of a divorce. I was pushing boundaries before, testing limits, but not anymore. I have been shopping a couple of times and managed to keep my eyes to myself. I hoping this is the last bad habit I have and I can reverse it. Thanks to malando and Gracie for wise words as ever in another post of mine on this subject.

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Porn Addiction / How do I stop looking at other women
« on: December 16, 2017, 04:38:48 AM »
I have been in recovery for well over a year now, I have been through ups and downs with this as we all have. Being married my wife has helped me through it all. I have blocking apps stopping any porn, or porn subs. I have been reading multiple books, I have been in SA and now following a staton peele program. My biggest problem right now is objectifying women, I can't control it, it is out of control, I am ripping my marriage apart with it. How do I stop looking at other women down the street, or at the super market. I have broken my wife's boundaries with this, I have lied about doing it, and I don't know how to stop it. I have put myself in my wife's shoes and I surely wouldn't like to see her ogling other guys, the would make me jealous and full of hatred and anger, I can use this as fuel, and can bring this up anytime I feel tempted. How does anyone else get over this?

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: December 15, 2017, 03:08:54 AM »
Still using the Stanton peele programme. There is a lot of science based evidence of recovery and a lot of stories about people that recover from any addiction. Most of the time it is a simple change in attitude normally triggered by something incredibly meaningful that you don,t want to lose. For me I didn't want to lose my family. For others it depends on what is meaningful enough for them. People have overcome lots of addictions whether it be heroine or alcohol or pornography just by will power alone. But the will power has to have its source from something deep within. SA teaches that you are completely powerless and that you need to surrender to your addiction, to me that feels a lot like giving up. The support in SA is great though, at one point I thought it to be the answer to how I recover. It was very helpful in that stage of my recovery, but I think I need less faith and more fact, which is what I have in Stanton peele. There are things I still don't agree with even in his program, but I suppose like all of these programmes you take what you need from them and discard the rest.

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I feel for you Raven, being a porn addict myself I have seen how lying and hiding things from your loved one really hurts them. Multiple times I had my wife curled up in a ball in the bathroom or shower, or raging in utter fury because of what I have done. I never want her to go through those feelings again, and I definitely don't want to be the cause of them anymore. It took me far too long to come to my senses and admittedly there are temptations everywhere in this world, the whole world is sexualised. I thought Twitter was just a lot of short posts, I have never been on there it never appealed to me, I don't want to know someone's every thought. It brings to light for me another website to avoid, although it is already blocked by our filter software anyway. i enjoy reading your posts, and I hope everything goes well and he really gets it this time.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Can't believe I'm 40
« on: December 08, 2017, 03:24:27 AM »
Life feels good, it feels like things are beginning to genuinely heal between me and my wife. Which is my number one goal beyond beating my addiction, keeping my family together. There have been times that I have given up and just wanted to walk away from everything and hide. It's cowardly, I know, and on the face of it seems easy. But being without my family would be harder, my wife has been there for me throughout this entire process. She has done this while dealing with her own betrayal trauma and demons from her past. She is amazing. I can barely deal with myself. I am hoping this Christmas will be good and loving and full of amazing moments, new memories without porn, ones that we can rebuild our relationship on.

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