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Messages - Sopie123

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It's absolutely ridiculous. I get emails from VS and i see women's asses hanging out and women in provocative poses. My boyfriend doesn't like going to VS without me cuz he feels awkward in there. My boyfriend thinks it's crazy how much sex there is being pushed onto people. After 3 months with no porn and just looking at sexy pictures of me he realizes how it's not necessary and not normal to wanna look at other naked people. He enjoys my pictures a lot more now because he isn't constantly being pushed to compare me to others.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / 3 months on Saturday
« on: February 02, 2017, 10:39:00 AM »
I haven't posted in awhile and just wanted to share my partner's progress. On Saturday it'll be 3 months since he's looked at online pornography/naked pictures of other women. He's gotten a few games on his phone and he reads the news/sports when bored. My partner has pictures/videos of me on his phone: many people say it's a bad idea, but he says it helps him because if he's bored he looks at my pictures rather than strangers. He hasn't slipped up to my knowledge in 3 months. I also haven't snooped in 3 months.

Our sex life is improving. He says my name more when we make love and he seems more into it. When he looked at porn he couldn't orgasm sometimes and I just felt he was bored a lot. We're exploring each other together and finding new positions together. He's more affectionate and he's less private with his phone. The times I've snooped on his phone were only when our sex life was sucking, and I was always right. When he couldn't orgasm two days in a row it was cuz he was loooking at naked pictures of women online.

Where I worry still...He isn't always signed in to his phone on Google. Last time he slipped up we went through his Google activity and it's how I caught him. I've glanced over when he's on google on his phone and he's not signed in sometimes. He says he usually is. I'm worried but I try not to let it overwhelm me. Our sex life is great and I believe he forgets to sign in after he clears his history a few times a month. I forget to sign in as well sometimes. His account isn't on Google anymore. Since we went through his Google activity and cleared everything out it was gone, whether I did that or Google just forgot his account. He doesn't use Google on his laptop (it's for school only) he uses Bing.

On his suggested apps on his iPhone a browser is usually not a suggested  app. Neither is iFunny. His games and the news and his Bank are his suggested/most used apps. So it makes me happy to know that he's doing well.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Day 11 - Am I beautiful?
« on: November 15, 2016, 11:27:43 PM »
Day 11 is almost over, almost at day 12. The past few days sex has improved, SO has initiated sex more often and has been in the mood for it more frequently. He assures me all is well. He's been playing games lately that have no ads/ads that are appropriate and he has enjoyed the games. Today I watched an Intervention episode about anorexic twins. It made me think of my own self-consciousness with my weight. I never was anorexic or bullimic, but I would fixate on my weight. My parents would comment if I lost weight or gained weight, if my hair looked messy, etc, so I got stressed out. I gained about 10-15 pounds recently and I'm discouraged. My boyfriend tells me "I love you, you're beautiful and you are perfect. Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? If you wanna lose weight you can but you don't have to change anything." I don't wanna throw it in his face, but all I thought of was his google searches for beautiful and perfect women (supposedly men too), and how he looked on a website with women posting nude pictures of themselves and they all have perfect bodies. Real girls with real perfect bodies. I am trying to look to the future and take it one day at a time but it's hard. I get scared. He's making a ton of progress but I'm scared. I don't feel beautiful 100% now. He apologized and says he's focused on recovering and I trust him/see signs of improvement, but I'm scared I'll never feel 100% again. I know I'll marry him in a few years but I don't wanna deal with this when we're married. I wanna continue to help him.

Now I'm scared. It's to the point that I'm scared when he's alone it'll happen and now that I know it happens when he's on break at work or school, I feel nervous even when he's there. I'm nervous when he's alone. I've cried so much over this. He assures me he'll never hurt me again but he said that the last time and promised he wouldn't lie if I didn't look through his phone, and I kept my promise and he didn't keep his. Now I'm scared. Part of me feels I'll have to deal with this forever and idk if my heart or mental health can handle it.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Day 9.
« on: November 14, 2016, 10:23:59 AM »
Now I'm scared cuz of an app (iFunny) we both have because it has questionable stuff, and I don't want to force him to delete it. Today is Day 10 if he hasn't slipped up. He is good at lying to my face with this topic. I'm scared. How can I ensure honesty? I literally can't handle it if he lies to me one more time. I'm broken.

It is iFunny. I've only ran into a few questionable things, but he says he barely uses it, and hasn't seen anything. What upsets me more is when he lies to spare my feelings. It hurts even more and makes me fee like I'm not good enough for the truth. Now I'm scared about iFunny. I don't wanna tell him he has to delete it. I wanna find apps that have funny stuff but don't have bad stuff on it. I get scared. He's good at telling me he hasn't slipped up, he can look me in the eyes and come off as confident. One time he freaked out at me because he said I accuse him of slipping up cuz of an ad, then I find out ads are his biggest triggers! It's so frustrating. Now i'm scared cuz of iFunny.

I'm the same way, it's good to know that I'm not alone. We were using an app that shows funny pictures and videos, and there was a clip from a porno! It didn't show nudity or sex, it was the intro. My boyfriend laughed and said the acting was ridiculous but I started getting really bad anxiety. :( He asked what was wrong and I said we always have to run into stuff like that even on an app, and he said it's ridiculous because this app is supposed to be for children. He said it didn't trigger him but I'm scared. Whenever there's a suggestive ad, tv show or movie on I get scared. I get scared now if he's at work or school because if he's bored and has down time he can go to his car and he's looked pictures up on his phone. It's terrifying. Sorry if I'm not helping. :/

I try to blog to get most of my feelings out so I don't talk about it too much with him cuz it's a trigger for him. But it's hard. I guess counseling probably is another option. I try to tell myself that it won't make him look at porn/pictures. It's hard. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm getting anxiety just browsing this forum. I can't tell anymore if he's lying to me and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and not accuse him. I try to trust. I just don't know what to do. He lied to my face and was wicked confident about it! How do I deal with that? How do I not question him?

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Double standards: add yours here
« on: November 14, 2016, 10:03:37 AM »
In my experience, a bunch of things mostly on the end of others. I try to deal with his addiction and I blog about it. When I've sought support from my family, they accuse me of trying to control my SO, of emasculating him, and saying I should just let him look at other women because he will anyway.

How he's ogled other women online (even if he doesn't masturbate to them), yet it wouldn't be okay if I was on those stupid sites where girls post nudes and posted one of myself.

How women are supposed to sit back and let men stare at them like meat and we are supposed to be "complacent" like the porn stars are and just let men look and fantasize and jack off to us.

If you dress how you want to and it makes you feel confident, you're just dressing that way for a man. You can't dress sexy and confident for yourself. Therefore, if you dress sexy and a man looks at you like you're meat, it's your fault.

Men seem to HATE if their SO's use a vibrator or toys on themselves, but we're supposed to be okay with them using porn.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Day 9.
« on: November 14, 2016, 09:50:58 AM »
Thank you Kimba. The honesty is definitely coming out more. He has opened up way more to me about this problem. He used to get defensive and say he wasn't weak, but he admitted he was. He says he doesn't wanna hurt me anymore or cause me pain, and wants to beat this. My concerns are due to the past lying. He says I don't have to trust him and have no reason to, but says he won't lie anymore because he understands I get more upset about the lying. How can I tell when he's lying? He only confessed last time when I caught him. He seemed so convincing last time and I almost believed him until I caught him. He says he only lied to avoid hurting me. He says he was doing good and he slipped up. But I think he's slipped up more than he's told me but he says that I know of all the times. I get confused so I can't remember all the times. I can't remember if he's slipped up two times or relapsed one time. It's confusing.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Day 9.
« on: November 13, 2016, 09:10:50 PM »
Today is 9 days since my bf's last relapse. He is being more open with me about what causes his relapses, what he feels when it happens, etc. I am learning to channel a lot of my feelings into forums and my blog, it helps me not freak out at him. He says I have no reason to trust him now, but that he promises he won't lie to me anymore when he relapses and that he wants things to be different. He says he understands it's wrong I've had to catch him and that he understands honesty is important. I understand his addiction is not my fault and that it's stronger stimuli he wants, that he is attracted to me. Me understanding that makes him feel more comfortable talking to me because that's where we disconnected and I think why he felt he had to lie. Even 9 days later I still get scared, I wonder if he will relapse again and not tell me. I get scared if something I believe will trigger him will come up when we're alone or together. He says these 9 days have shown him a lot and he knows more of what his triggers are and that this is a problem for him. He's been praying to God to help him, so have I. I just get scared he won't tell me if he slips up, he lied last time but he said he didn't want me to be disappointed in him cuz he was weak. For the first time in our whole relationship he admitted he was weak.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: At my wits end.
« on: November 07, 2016, 09:52:56 AM »
I think he is too embarrassed and shamed to do therapy at this point. But I think the correspondence with a fellow addict is a start, and it may give him the courage to get help. He's a former drug and alcohol addict, and a former smoker. He beat those all with no relapses whatsoever. He doesn't think about relapsing with those. I think porn is more difficult cuz it's more easily accessible and I think he thinks he has control over it and he doesn't. I'm going to tell him he needs to find browsing websites for material without sexual advertisements. He uses websites like People of Walmart and I've see those ads myself. He relapsed the night he looked at People of Walmart, and I possibly think he's relapsed more times than he's told me. He told me today he only relapsed Friday but I think he did the week before. I am trying to stress honesty and it is helping a little bit. I think his shame and disappointment in himself is causing him to hide it from me. His best friend and him looked at porn and violent imagery from a young age. I told him the violent imagery may be triggering too and he's trying to avoid it.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: At my wits end.
« on: November 07, 2016, 09:43:46 AM »
Online ads, yes. He'll be browsing articles and websites, and there will be ads like "pictures that will make you love yoga," "hot moms", "most beautiful women," "times women forgot about the camera." I believe he's slipped up a lot more than he's told me. He is reluctant to accept help from the outside but he will email a man from my blog who dealt with it so he has a male perspective. He downloaded an app on his phone which will help him with tracking his relapses. He said he wanted me to keep being proud of him and be happy so when he relapses he doesn't want to tell me. I have been working on not getting upset so he's opening up more to me. He said he is going to have to avoid websites with ads but that is a huge amount of websites.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: At my wits end.
« on: November 07, 2016, 09:00:08 AM »
He says that the ads online made him relapse and he felt ashamed cuz he knew I was prou do thin for going almost a month and he didn't want me to be hurt again.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: At my wits end.
« on: November 06, 2016, 11:28:16 PM »
This is the most painful experience I've ever dealt with. Unfortunately it makes me want to hurt myself and give up. He tells me that my values, beliefs and boundaries are valid and i deserve to be happy. But then he does this and hurts me and lies to me. I wouldn't be mad if he just told me so I see he's trying to be accountable. But seeing those google searches in their entirety today just stabbed me in the heart and hurt more than anything. Seeing that he's relapsed multiple times when his one month would've been Thursday hurts. Him lying to my face and saying it's no trouble, easy and rewarding to stay away when I found out it was lies hurts. Knowing I'm apparently not worth the truth hurts. Knowing I am clearly not beautiful and sexy enough hurts. And knowing that I want sex every day sometimes multiple times a day and he doesn't always want to, and knowing he's looked at nude women hurts. Whether he masturbates or just looks hurts.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / At my wits end.
« on: November 06, 2016, 09:52:50 PM »
Hello everybody. My partner and I have been together a year and a half. I love him very much, but his porn problem is tearing us apart. He had been about a month sober and then he relapsed Friday. He lied to me about it. I saw on his laptop (which he let me use) that there were inappropriate google searches and he lied and said they were from when he relapsed last month. But upon going to his Google Activity (which he gave me permission to do again), I saw he lied and that the stuff was from Friday. I hugged him and he started crying and I asked if he did it cuz he was mad at me or because he was triggered by an ad he saw and he said no, and that he didn't wanna talk about it. He's never cried in front of me. I used to cry and get mad but I'm trying to be calm so he'll talk to me. My problem is he keeps lying about this issue. I tell him if he feels he can't do it or doesn't want to to just tell me and he does. He said reading a book I gave him on porn addiction helps him.

I'm just at my wits end. I won't terminate my relationship over this cuz he's otherwise perfect. But it just makes me question things and it shouldn't be like that. He always tells me he doesn't masturbate at all or to porn. He said he last masturbated in March. In his Google Activity it says he looked up stuff at night when I was there with him in the room. If it helps we've had problems mostly stemming from porn. He yelled at me and said horrible things cuz he was angry and I think it was after that that he looked at stuff, he was on his phone while I was under the covers.

I'm stressed out and I'm trying to be positive for him. He encourages me to write my blog on porn addiction and says I shouldn't have to compromise my values or beliefs, and I deserve to have what I want (no porn). It's strange cuz while he supports me he also says porn isn't cheating. He thinks it's a fine line though. It makes it hard to trust him and I haven't snooped through his stuff so I keep my promise but he hasn't kept his. It hurts me deeply. He tells me he wants to stop, knows it's wrong and disgusting. I told him if he did it cuz he was mad at me that I'd at least understand, but he said it's not why and won't tell me. I don't even know what's the truth and what's a lie.

Can someone please give me and him some support/advice? I know he loves me deeply and appreciates me. He's had an addiction for 10 years and I can't tell if his trigger is stress, dirty thoughts, etc. I don't know how much he lapses anymore. I tell him to just tell me when he makes a mistake and he promises he will and doesn't follow through. It's a cycle of me catching him and him saying sorry, he may admit to other times, and then repeating. I think he does want help. He's a Christian. Like I said he says it's disgusting and wrong, doesn't think it's cheating, and won't open up 100%. I won't leave him or break up. He's also depressed and has anxiety.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Tired and scared.
« on: October 16, 2016, 10:27:48 PM »
I first want to thank everybody here for their support. It's given me courage to start my own blog to share my experiences so I can hopefully help somebody else. It's been two weeks since I last looked through my boyfriend's phone and it's been two weeks since he's looked at porn. The first week was rough but we're opening up and talking more. He understands and agrees porn is pretty much cheating and his goal is to go a year without it. He informed me his best friend showed him at age 11, along with violent images like beheadings and stuff. He's desensitized to a lot but it's now understanding me more. He said his problem used to be PMO 2+ times a day every day. But since we started being intimate he stopped masturbating and watched it about twice a week every other week. When I said I didn't like it he said he got it more under control but hasn't been able to go more than 3 months without it. The times I wasn't aware of he slipped up 3 times, and he owned up to each time. He said his triggers are when the news talks about celebrity sex tapes and nude pictures or if movies have sexual themes in them. He said he's been trying hard.

I'm proud of him for opening up and finally being honest, but I'm just scared. Since last year I've been terrified and had an intense hatred for porn. Before two weeks ago he was telling me he didn't slip up but always said I could look at his phone. He said he's never hidden anything on his phone and hasn't really to my knowledge (perhaps besides the time where days were empty on his search history but that only happened two times and it was a long time ago). I'm trying to forgive him and help him. I ordered him a book for lust issues and we're going to write in a journal to discuss feelings. I made him promise multiple times that he'd tell me if he slips up and he keeps saying he will. But he didn't last time so I'm scared. I'm terrified he'll slip up and won't tell me and will continue to do so. I already told him I can't handle it unless he tells me. He keeps saying he can do it though and that it shouldn't be too hard, because his problem used to be a lot worse.

It makes me terrified for us to be in public if a girl has large breasts or cleavage, or if there's a sex scene or references to sex on tv. I've talked to him about porn almost everyday because I'm scared. He's going to try to avoid watching stuff with sex in it and pray when he has urges. I don't know how to heal myself cuz I'm trying and it's not working. :(

Hello everybody. The past 10 days were hard following me seeing my partner had looked at porn, but we've made a lot of progress. Today was the first time he admitted that he felt it was still somewhat of an issue and he realized it was a very thin line between porn and cheating. He admitted to me that he's never gone more than 3 months (and that's trying really hard for me) without it. From ages 11-20 (slightly less when in relationships) he'd PMO multiple times a day. Now he does not masturbate and says it's easier to manage his urges without doing so. He says it's hard when something comes on television about celebrity nudes or a sex scene is on tv and reminds him of porn. He says that he's disgusted and ashamed of himself and it's hard to completely shake but he wants to work hard. He is going to be accountable to me and wants to work hard so he can say he's gone without it for a year and then beyond. I'm going to keep track of dates and check in with him regularly. He's going to try to avoid tv and movies with sex, strip clubs or porn. I wanna suggest he write down why he wants to quit so he has it when he feels he'll slip up. He says he wants to beat it once and for all, that he wants to feel 1000% committed to me, and that he's going to look at it like a drug.

He's been 2.5 years sober off hard drugs as of December so I know he can accomplish this. He's had a hard time with it since his friend showed it to him at age 11. He really wants to do this for both of us because he feels it's morally wrong. I showed him articles and expressed my feelings openly so he had a realization of sorts and has motivation now to stop. He's tried the past year and now he's more dedicated. What else can I do to help him? He said I can still look through his phone and that he won't hide stuff.

Also does it mean anything if he says that his taste in porn/sex is very basic and stuff we already do? He said he thinks of us having sex often. He said making videos of us should help him a lot, and that it just helps him visualize what's in his head. Also I think he's insecure cuz he looked up the world's largest penis, then proceeded to watch three or four videos of men with giant penises. He's making a genuine effort to try and our talks have been better, and I feel he can truly change if he wants to. :-)

He has a sense of shame about the issue. He's a Christian and says that it's wrong, bad, and that he controls himself as best he can. He has kind of a shamed attitude about sexuality because he says the porn he is into is stuff we do and that I've helped him do everything he's wanted to do. He also said some things are better left in the mind and I'm slowly getting him to talk about sexuality. He said it's a struggle because he knows masturbation and porn are bad but he beat masturbation but not porn. I think he's scared I'll leave him if he discusses his sexuality in full but I'm getting him to talk more.

That was helpful Walter, thank you. :-)
We talked more tonight and while we may disagree on the cheating thing, he understands that it hurts me and he wants to make things right. Unlike a lot of porn addicts he does not masturbate to porn, and when he's slipped up he didn't masturbate. 3 times in a year shows me he's made progress, seeing how he would watch it about 2-4 times a month before I said something. I know it's about faith and love, and working together. I am not excusing his behavior and have reminded him daily how it makes me feel, and he's willing to be accountable to me. I am free to search his phone and ask him any time if he has slipped up, while he has to be honest. He knows not to omit things to spare my feelings now. It was him agreeing with me but still having urges. I told him I will work with him in his urges but he has to be open. If he lies again and does not tell me I may have to reconsider this relationship thought. Any tips to know if he's slipping up in the future? I can usually tell if he has because for a few days after he looks it may be harder for him to orgasm, but other than that I can't.

Also he said even though he was frustrated I looked at his phone that I am free to do so in the future because he did promise I could if I felt it necessary. But I'm gonna work on it so I don't do it. He was more so mad I looked at it because I told him I didn't have to cuz I trusted him, but we're both working on loving and trusting one another and praying to God when we have issues and doubts.

Gracie, he does not masturbate to the porn and he explained to me in an honest discussion that it was boredom and curiosity that caused him to slip up. He had three weak moments but did not masturbate at all. He said if he masturbated he would've slipped up more. He prefers to save himself for me and we did try the filming us thing and he likes it a lot, he says that it will be perfect for moments when he's bored. And he assures me he will tell me when he slips up again, but tells me that he believes he won't anymore because he sees how it upset me and was just scared to tell me cuz he thought I'd leave him. But he agrees with me that porn is wrong and bad, but that he has thoughts of stuff he's seen sometimes and wants to see it. I'm hoping that we will work together and fix it together. He's not perfect but he's pretty close to it. :-)

He says he agrees it's bad and wrong, but it's hard for him. He says that it's not as bad as cheating and I don't think it is the same as physically cheating but it feels the same for me. He says that me dancing with other guys or sexting are different than looking at porn. It hurts and he pretty much says he'll stop but doesn't think it's cheating.

Also he says that I've fulfilled all his fantasies, have done every position and thing he's wanted to do and that he's happy. He said if he has a thought about a scene in porn it's hard to shake it from his mind so he watches a few videos and forgets about it. But he says my suggestion of filming us should help and he won't need to look at porn if he has those. But I'm scared those won't be enough :(

I think what hurt me the most is that he knows I hate it and how it makes me feel, and he says he agrees with everything I say. He says he knows it's wrong and bad, but that he slipped up a few times and shouldn't have to take a long time to rebuild my trust. He says he's sorry he hurt me. But he knew it would hurt me. He says that he doesn't think about it all the time, he says 3 times in a year isn't bad, but if he slips up each time he thinks about it clearly there's a problem. He just says "I won't watch it anymore and you can believe me if you want to or not, but I won't. I love you and screwed up."

Hello again everybody. So yesterday we talked more about the issue. I want someone who's been through this to help me with my understanding. I spoke to my boyfriend about traumatic experiences as a child that I had related to porn/sexuality. I asked him questions about him and his sexuality. He said he has slipped up 3 times with porn and he's sorry he lied that he's trying to fight urges he has. At first when I spoke to him he felt uncomfortable. I said "It's not like when you watch porn you're imagining sleeping with different women," and he got uncomfortable and said "It's not like how you're imagining it, but no I'm not." The next day when we both felt better we continued to discuss it. From what I understood it's hard for him to get urges out of his head and he can't just imagine things without looking, and that he doesn't think about being with other people.

But it's weird cuz he said that porn/masturbating feel good sometimes, but he swore up and down he doesn't masturbate to porn, and promised that. So I asked him and he got uncomfortable again but said he doesn't like masturbating and just meant that he was comparing porn and masturbating in that both are habits that can be hard to break. But as far as I know he doesn't masturbate, he has always admitted to porn but not masturbating. He said he saves himself for me and that as a Christian he tries to combat things.

Some solutions we're trying are that we're going to take more pictures of me and videos of us, and he said that should help a lot. This time he swears he won't. I'm just concerned cuz he promised that before and slipped up three times. He said within one year three times isn't too bad and that he's trying. He's also going to try to find other activities when he's bored like the gym or playing a game. He's also insistent that if he slips up or is bored he will tell me. I'm trying to trust him and didn't lie to him, it's hard. When I make mistakes I automatically tell him, so it's going to be a long road but I want to give him one more chance.

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