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Messages - EworCaz

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: August 22, 2019, 06:20:54 PM »
Day - 2
I was miraculously able to abstain from P yesterday despite a 16 day setback. Things got dark this time. The porn I use is extreme and definitely causes some increased anxiety both as I’m using it and through my day to day life. If it weren’t for the YBOP book I would be really beating myself up. I know now that the increased anxiety is a part of obtaining the high. My threshold for what causes anxiety has increased as my tolerance has increased. Chasing this ghost is not something I’m willing to do today. Plus I have a girl coming over later. I need to have my eye on the prize.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: August 06, 2019, 09:52:51 PM »

Yesterday would have been 19 days. I got caught up looking at modeling photos on fb. That lead me to modeling sites. That lead me to porn. It’s apparent to me now that I need to do a real PMO reboot.
So here I am again at day one. Going back to my daily porn habit is not an option. I must step it up. My strategy is to monitor my social media use more closely, and take it more seriously. No more jerking off without porn either. At the moment I dont have any prospects of getting laid and I’m fine with that. If I do I’m going to cum. Otherwise no more orgasms for me. I feel empowered by the past 19 days. I’ll use this as motivation to step up my game and get serious about this reboot. Wish me luck!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: August 02, 2019, 11:22:45 PM »
Day - 15 / 16

Almost had a serious relapse today. I’ve been trying to boost my Band's insta account to get up over a thousand followers. In the process I’ve been adding a lot of strangers. It turns out I accidentally added a model who sells nudes independently thru one of those DIY porn websites. Turns out she’s a local chick. Turns out I know her. This is a huge kink for me. I stared at her instagram page a lot longer than I’m proud to admit. I had a strong urge to subscribe to her site but I unfollowed and put my phone aside for a bit. I rubbed one out without my phone around and that quickly brought me to my senses. I had a very stressful meeting at work today so it’s no surprise my brain went there but I am proud that I didn’t masturbate to that page. I have to say out loud as soon as I get that high arousal looking at insta pages that “this is porn”. It seems like as soon as I say it there’s a little bit of clarity that returns.

I realize that my method of rebooting without porn but with MO is unorthodox, and I hope it doesn’t trigger someone to use when they  read my posts. I believe in a PMO reboot. I really do think it’s the best way. It’s just not the way I’m doing it this time. I think eventually I’ll get tired to MO without P and I’ll either relapse on P or I’ll quit MO. I need time.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: August 01, 2019, 08:56:42 AM »
Day - 14

Okay two weeks has passed and all the sudden this reboot seems. Lost feelings are reawakening. My mind is dreaming more actively at night. Every woman with a fat ass takes my breath away. Talking to women is so stimulating. Last night I went to a party and making women laugh was my elixir. Everyone else had their weed and beer but my drug of choice was causing them pleasure with my words. I made one woman laugh so hard I thought she was going to piss herself. That felt really good. I am also experiencing some longing and loneliness. I feel sadness or some small grief over the breakup with my ex. It’s been about a month now since the breakup, and now with two weeks into my reboot I’m just now feeling the pain.

Good shit. Thanks for the honesty. I’m on day 13 without P but I’m still MOing. I have experienced similar circumstances to what you describe. I can relate a lot.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 30, 2019, 10:23:46 PM »
Day - 13

I’ve been super active on social media today, flipping between snap, fb, and Instagram unconsciously looking for babes, or incidental nudes. The high I’m seeking is the oops I accidentally see a nipple on Instagram. Pathetic. As I said before I need to use these media apps to promote my music, but damn some days I can’t seem to put them down. This entry serves as a brief Reprieve from the mindless scrolling through photos and posts. Still rebooting, taking it one day at a time. This is when shit starts to get hard.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 29, 2019, 10:08:05 PM »
Day - 12

I’m getting close to the two week mark, which is when I normally relapse. I know that secretly this is some imaginary milestone that My addiction is using to creating to stir doubt. But it’s there. So I’m going to use this entry to discuss the benefits I’ve experienced so far from rebooting.

My appetite is under control. Bad foods go hand in hand with my porn addiction. Eating a big fat large pizza and using porn shoots me up with enough dopamine to make me pass out very similarly to what I’ve experienced in my long ago use of opiates. Again I have over a decade in recovery from drugs/alcohol so I know what I’m talking about here. Thankfully my appetite is at this moment no longer paired with a hardcore porn binge and for that I am grateful. My diet isn’t perfect, but I’m cooking my meals now instead of offing takeout every day.

My sleep is more restful. I’m not drugging myself to sleep with porn before bed. I wake up feeling like I actually slept and not passed out as if I’d taken an ambien.

I have energy during the day. At work I’ve been killing it. I’ve been more active and more helpful to my coworkers and clients. I also have more time for activities because I’m not burning daylight by jerking it.

My mood has improved. I don’t feel stressed and tired all day. I’m being more mindful of what I say to people at work, and more helpful I think. I typically snap at people or I’m short with them when it comes to something that doesn’t include me staring at my phone. People are taking notice and my excuse is that I feel liberated since my breakup. I’m not sweaty and anxious every moment I’m in public.

My libido is back. I’m talking to girls and I have a date tomorrow. She said she doesn’t want to go out. She said she just wants to come over and Netflix and chill. Her words not mine. I think that means she wants to het busy. She’s physically not my type BUT I hope whatever develops will serve as an opportunity for me to practice kindness and presence. Sure, for the most part I feel like a lustful animal, but I know in my heart that this too shall pass and I’ll come around to a healthy outlook on women.

I’m being more kind, patient and loving to my dog. This falls under mood but this relationship is so important to me, and I feel I’m finally able to be the human she deserves.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 28, 2019, 05:59:41 PM »
Day - 10

Sleeping has been weird. I've been having crazy dreams, and I've been getting to bed earlier and waking up feeling more well rested, however I'm tossing and turning a lot in the night.

I'm also feeling some sexual frustration. When I see a HB walking down the street, or see some girl on social media with cleavage showing, or a nice bubble butt in tight pants I'm just like GOD DAMN IT. >:(

Day - 11

I had a little MO and then went to the grocery store. I was very distracted by all of the women in there. It's like im seeing the opposite sex for the first time. Every single one of them is just so frustratingly sexy. On my way home I was once again distracted and i shit you not rear ended the car in front of me causing that car to rear end the next one. I everyone was okay, and there was minimal damage to the other vehicles. My vehicle sustained the most damage. I have good insurance so all is well. I just feel really shaky and kind of out of it right now.

Funny i was hungry before i left for the grocery, and when i got home and filed a claim i noticed i was extremely shaky but had no appetite. I forced myself to eat something, and have not stopped eating since. I've munched myself into a food coma twice today.

In other news, I got a random boner while watching a tv show and texting a girl today. That NEVER happens.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 26, 2019, 11:50:17 PM »
Day - 9

Thanks so much Pete. I can’t believe its day 9 already.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 26, 2019, 03:02:15 PM »
Day - 8

Asian massage parlor

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 24, 2019, 04:37:09 PM »
Day - 7

I can’t believe I made it a week. This is so crazy. I haven’t made it this far in a long time. Maybe in over a year. I just went on an Xxx site and disabled my subscription. I will probably hop on here later and write some more. I just wanted to stay accountable up to this point in the day.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 23, 2019, 09:00:57 PM »
Day - 6

I’m white knuckling it here. Work was awful today. My brain and body were exhausted. I suppose I should count myself lucky that my restless legs start up mid day and not when I’m trying to go to sleep. Again I am doing a porn reboot. I’m still MOing every day. It’s especially nice in the shower after a long day. Helps me feel more relaxed. I’ve seen a couple stimulating images on accident over the past couple days. It’s particularly difficult for me to use Instagram for that reason. In the past I cut out social media and it helped tremendously. I can’t really do that again because I use social media to promote my music. It’s a necessary evil. I have curtailed my use of social media a little bit. I’m using my phone a lot less over the past week according to iPhone screen time. This shit is difficult but I’m pressing on.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 22, 2019, 05:04:54 PM »
Missed day 4 but it was good. Went into the recording studio, and laid down some tracks. When I got home I had a strong urge to use porn, but instead I masturbated in the shower. Dear Jesus did that feel good. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I want to quit PMO or just P.

DAY 5 -

I feel a lot of anxiety today. This morning when I got to work I kept having this subtle  feeling like I just saw or did something bad on my phone. I don’t know why but I felt impending doom related to my phone or something on it. Probably because I used my phone for porn. I feel this anxiety again right now. I feel this impending doom or shame and guilt. Nothing prompted this. It just came on all the sudden. My ex messaged me earlier and I can’t think of what to say back to her. she asked me how I was doing. I’m in a weird head space.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 21, 2019, 12:47:24 AM »
Day 3 - feeling a bit more energetic. Starting to feel my Libido reawaken. In public  I’ve been staring at women a little longer than I should. Still looking at them like objects - pornifying them in my mind. Had a bit of brain fog today. Couldn’t quite find the words I wanted to use when talking to people.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal to Freedom
« on: July 20, 2019, 01:01:32 AM »
Day 2
Feeling some physical symptoms -restless legs, and some mental symptoms -agitation.

Ages 30-39 / Journal to Freedom
« on: July 18, 2019, 10:54:59 PM »
Here I am again and for the first time. The last time I tried this I was in a different age bracket. Now 31 I am at rock bottom. In 12 step support groups they say we choose our rock bottom. Now is the time.

I broke up with my girlfriend over my porn addiction. June 30th I told her for the third time in 3 years that I was quitting porn for good, and once again I got the same knee jerk response. She shamed me. She took it personally. In the past I pointed her toward the books to read and the YouTube channels to watch, but she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t quite understand addiction in general. I’m in long term recovery, and she’s gotten drunk around me several times. It only bothers me sometimes, but it’s not exactly the most supportive way to love an addict. She claims I’m emotionally distant, and she’s right.

Porn has a strangle hold on my capacity for empathy. My affect is blunted. My work ethic bare minimum. I explained to her quitting would change that and I need her support to get through it. She said she couldn’t handle it and she just doesn’t want anything to do with that aspect of my life. So I told her it’s probably best if we split. She agreed. We are both 50/50 on our pros and cons lists. So here I am some 18 days later and I’m still PMOing. The only difference is she’s gone.

I’ve been keeping my apartment cleaner, and been cooking more meals at home instead of ordering delivery, but I’m still PMOing. It’s still a major zap on my motivation at work. All the coffee in the world won’t lift the fog, and I’ve been sleeping straight through my alarm. The truth is I haven’t been sleeping as much as passing out in a porn induced coma in bed every night. That’s nothing new though.

 I want to remain single to work on myself. I want my life to be about me again. I want to play more music, go to more meetings, be a better coworker, and eventually to the right woman a better lover. My on day one as of right now is to lift this mental fog. When I feel as though it’s lifted I will set a new goal, perhaps practicing more empathy, or Exercising more. But for now I want to keep it so simple.

This is truly just for today. I don’t know if I can stay clean tomorrow, but right now I’m determined.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: October 13, 2017, 12:38:09 PM »
Day 10 today. Thank you guys.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: October 10, 2017, 07:31:06 AM »
Well I'm back at it again. I was back on PMO for approximately 95 days. It was hell out there. I do not recommend trying to use PMO successfully. Today is day 7 of my new reboot.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: July 10, 2017, 04:19:49 PM »
Damn it.
I had 12 days.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: July 06, 2017, 02:56:40 PM »
Day 9

I've been waking up super late in the day and going to bed super late at night, which is OK sometimes because my girlfriend is with me, but when I'm alone it is a very isolating experience. My girl was with me last night when i stayed up till 3. She was feeling icky, and neither of us felt like having sex, so we just cuddled and watched a movie. She left to go home, and i was all alone. I jacked off without porn or any visual aid. Still using fantasy. I fell asleep immediately after ejac.

I woke up today at 2pm with morning-wood (or should I say afternoon wood).
I was having a weird sex dream, which was pornographic, but hell, I'm only 9 days in, what did i expect?
I'm just amazed that i had morning wood this early on into my reboot. This has never happened this soon into my reboot. I thought that things would be moving along slower because of my daily MO without P, but my reboot seems to be moving along just fine.

My back has been feeling amazing. I have been having upper back pain like crazy over the past 6 months, and no matter what i do it has not gotten better. Last reboot attempt i made i noticed that my back pain was clearing up toward the end. I am grateful to say that my back has been feeling amazing the past 2 or 3 mornings which is probably why i have been sleeping in so damn late. I think jacking off for 2 hours at a time was making me have a stiff back from my muscles getting all stiff and ridged during PMO.

I'd like to take a moment to clear something up, if i haven't made it clear already. It is generally suggested that if you are new to this you start with a hard-reboot no PMO for 90+ days. Rebooting with daily MO w/o P is not recommended. I have read Gary Wilson's work over and over. I have read everything on YBOP, and I read his book twice.
 I have a bachelors degree in psychology. I understand the studies, and the neuroscience within them.

I agree with 99% of the content of YBOP.

The strategy of MO w/o P during a reboot is a new one for me. Ever since i discovered YBOP in 2014 I have been trying hard-reboots, of various degrees, and have found myself unsuccessful each time. One miraculous benefit i have experienced is that after my first two hard reboots i have not had any ED problems since, whether I'm in the grips of a porn binge or not, so for that i am grateful.
To anyone rebooting for the first time i recommend a hard reboot at first. The neuroscience strongly supports the hard-reboot YBOP method.

If anyone is reading this and has any feedback please feel free to comment.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: July 04, 2017, 02:08:21 PM »
Day 7

Happy 4th of July!

I have been noticing some sleep issues. i cant get to sleep until really late like 3 or 4am. When i try to sleep i end up in some weird beta brain wave place where im half awake. Last night i tossed and turned so much that i woke up literally tangled in my blankets. I've been getting this feeling like bugs are crawling all over me. Im only just now realizing that its due to porn withdrawal, because this has occurred 3 nights in a row.

Im still glad to be rebooting, and im proud to be a part of this community! Comments and encouragement are welcome!

Tonight ill be going downtown where the fireworks are happening to busk (play music for tips). This has been a fun way to stoke my creativity.

Porn Addiction / Best Apps For Rebooting
« on: July 03, 2017, 02:29:47 PM »
What are some of the best phone apps you guys have used to track your progress, or to aid your reboot?
I use an app called Ever Accountable, which has been pretty helpful (it would be more helpful if i had a few accountability partners from this site).

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: July 03, 2017, 02:16:19 PM »
Day 6

I'm still sticking with my soft reboot - still masturbating and having intercourse during this process. Usually day 5 and 6 are extremely difficult. I am usually wracked with obsessions about porn. Today i am grateful to say i have not had any desire to use porn, my head is clearer with each day, and I've been much more productive over the past 4 or 5 days. I have begun writing on step one under the guidance of my sponsor in NA. This is my second time working it. Most if it so far has been about my porn use and my bad eating habits. This feels right.
I'm still off of social media. It's amazing how clear my head is when im not a Facebook zombie for 3 cumulative hours of the day. Plus my daily phone battery life has doubled. Music sounds sweeter. I've been doing yoga every other day, and ive been busking downtown with my guitar, so my creativity is starting to come. Things arent all rainbows and sunshine, but i certainly feel more hopeful today.

Ages 30-39 / Seeking Accountability Partners
« on: July 02, 2017, 03:00:04 PM »
I am seeking an accountability partner who is willing to share their email with me. I have an app called ever accountable, which tracks all of my activity on the PC Tablet and phone, and sends a weekly report of any suspicious activity. The app is made for no-fappers and rebooters. Anyway i need someones email who is in the community and understands rebooting, to give me their email so they can see my activity, and call me out on anything suspicious, as an extra level of accountability for me! Please let me know if anyone is willing~!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Nobody IRL Takes This Seriously
« on: July 02, 2017, 02:55:43 PM »
Hello, Ewor. I must say I read your journal and I felt touched by your words. Friend, please understand that everything you're going through has an explanation and a solution. I'm sure some guys have been through worse in this treatment. Just have a peek on YouTube and you're going to figure it out. I've been on this forum not for so long and I don't exactly know how I can help you. I don't know if you are a religious person or not, but be sure a guy from Brazil already knows about your problem and he is going to pray for you and try to do the best he can to support you until your recovery. First of all, everything I can ultimately advise you is to get closer to a loved one, no matter if this person is a friend or a family member. Be honest with him, let all this crap out, tell everything! Claim for this person's help. You need to be around people dear to you. Surround yourself with love and sincerity. Regarding people who laugh at our problem, these are a bunch of mentally handicapped apes who are completely ignorant that porn addiction is a social and a health problem that is destroying people's lives. Fuck them off. People who don't care and even mock at misery and suffering deserve ZERO respect and attention. Keep very, very far from these ones because they also don't care about you at all. In addition to surround yourself with love, I would do these:

* Review all the problems on pornography, as well as the reasons why this has been an issue in your life. Go watch YBOP instructional videos and testimonies on YouTube;
* All these bad feelings you are having currently are not you. What is really you is that one you miss so much: the one who once did greater things. You must bring that man back and make it speak louder. You're not a mediocre person, you are that person you said you're missing so much. Don't let a mere dark part of you speak louder.
* Drastically limit your time in front of the computer. Go find happiness and peace out of your dark room. Do you really accept the idea that they only come by seeing virtual content in front of a goddamn screen?! GO OUT!
* Understand that successful rebooters relapsed. It's no news in relapsing, isn't it? Allow yourself to mistake and get back on your feet RIGHT NOW!
* If you any time feel really bad about you and your life, come back to this forum asking for help and call someone who you trust and surely loves you.

Keep struggling, my friend. Remember that many people have been through these and many in worse situations have succeeded. Never forget: what you are feeling has an explanation and a solution. You can trust me!

Spirit Seeker, Thank you for your loving and encouraging words.

Today is Day 5
I'm trying it different this time. This time i am masturbating without porn whenever i feel like it (its only been about 5 times so far.) I'm also going to have sex with my girlfriend whenever i want.
So far it is working great. I dont have any overwhelming urges to use porn, and im experiencing all of the great benefits of someone who is 5 days into a reboot.
I have also deleted social media accounts, and severely limited my screen time on video games, computer and phone.
In the past i have tried hard reboots, semi-hard reboots, and many other methods. I have not yet tested this method of just jacking it causally without porn when i feel like it. Of course i have the benefit of being able to still get hard without porn, and ive had enough erotic experiences in my life to have compiled a pretty wealthy spank-bank. So far this way is proving itself to work, as i have no sleepless nights, soreness or irritability, and my girlfriend loves how horny i am.
This unorthodox method is working for me today, and if i hit a plateau, and things start to get weird, then i will just level up, and start a hard reboot.

PS I am seeking an accountability partner who is willing to share their email with me. I have an app called ever accountable, which tracks all of my activity on the PC Tablet and phone, and sends a weekly report of any suspicious activity. The app is made for no-fappers and rebooters. Anyway i need someones email who is in the community and understands rebooting, to give me their email so they can see my activity, and call me out on anything suspicious, as an extra level of accountability for me! Please let me know if anyone is willing~!

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