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Messages - Geo62

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Ages 20-29 / Re: 29 year old Gay Man - The (Hope) for a New Me.
« on: September 07, 2016, 01:27:54 PM »
Hey bud. And welcome to your journal. Sure some more guys will start chatting to you soon, to offer you more advice. Good on you for starting your journal, hope you kick this PMO things butt!!!

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: September 04, 2016, 02:09:25 AM »
Thanks bob. Yup. You and me just plugging along. You're past 60 days already man!! Awesome.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: September 03, 2016, 06:28:11 PM »
And so the journey goes ... Starting to get to day 45. Half way to the magic 90 days. LOL. It would be great if one could get to 90 days and suddenly, poof, all was good again. But damn, things are getting better.

So to continue making  life harder for myself, I have decided to quite the dreaded nicotine as well.  ::)

So today is Day 2 smoke free. Gotta get out of here clean and healthy I guess. I think quitting cigarettes has been harder the last two days than quitting the P and M. Maybe I've just forgotten how crappy it was back in the beginning, but this is awful. Cannot sleep, feel restless, irritable and all kinds of angry.

Hopefully Day3/Day42 will be easier and gentler. I'll try to be gentler and kinder and more patient with myself.


Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom
« on: August 31, 2016, 11:55:14 AM »
Hey there. I'm really being very bad with my posts. The good thing is that I check in to RN less now, in my first 30 days I made it my mission to check I every day. As the days add up I don't make it my first priority which is very cool. I am also extremely bust at work which is keeping me out of mischief. I'm feeling strong, don't count the days like I used to, don't feel the need to M, just feels good to be moving forward. Not sure I know where to, but I know it's to a better state of mind and being. Hopefully work will calm down soon and I can connect with myself a bit more. Be strong everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 31, 2016, 10:18:01 AM »
Excellent stuff BlueSun! You are sounding super strong! Make that Day 12 awesome!

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 28, 2016, 05:02:10 PM »
Hey everyone. Been quiet these last few days. Not much to say really. Holding out. Still pretty much in flatline. Some MW, and nothing else. Take care everyone.

Ages 40 and up / Re: The fog is lifting - 55 gay
« on: August 28, 2016, 05:00:07 PM »
Hey dissociate. Glad you're strong and holding out!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: August 28, 2016, 04:57:27 PM »
Good one bob!! Beware the Cookie Monster!!! Rock that 60 tomorrow!

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 28, 2016, 04:55:26 PM »
Hey man. Glad you're doing strong.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 24, 2016, 03:22:26 PM »
The humbling thing about reaching thirty days is that the next day is day one of another cycle. The awesome thing about reaching thirty days is that you feel so much stronger starting another cycle.

Still pretty much in a flatline, but that's okay, I've had a few occasions when I've had signal from my body to show me everything is working, just taking its time, so I'm okay. Not planning any sexual escapades in the next few months, or years,  :P so just gonna hang in there.


Ages 40 and up / Re: a new life
« on: August 24, 2016, 02:45:41 PM »
Hey man. Welcome. You're in a pretty dark place right now. But you have come here confessed and owned up to your life. That is pretty awesome man. Once you are at that point you can start sorting things out.

Just remember you are not gonna sort it out at once. There is a huge amount of stuff I need to work on, but the only way is to take one thing at a time. I've been here for 30 days and I am starting to get a clearer head. I have more self confidence, and feel proud of what I have achieved.

Now I can move onto the next thing. A big part of depression is that feeling of being overwhelmed by everything. So take one thing at a time.

You have moved back home, you have come here, and this is a good home. You've admitted to stuff, asked for help, and taken a good few steps towards stopping the PMO. You are well on your way. Stay focused, come here everyday. Get rid of all social media, from Facebook to especially dating apps, they will give you the same dopamine rush!!!

Read, watch a movie, take a walk, have a cold shower, watch some tv you know won't be a trigger.

But most of all be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. That is THE most important thing!!! Once you've got this done you can focus on work, on cars, on living space, all in good time.

For now, get calm, stay calm and remember no matter how bad it is right now, you can fix it, just be patient, and kind. Everyone here understands what you're going through.

Take care man. Be strong!

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 24, 2016, 02:24:01 PM »
Hey BlueSun.

Ive been busying myself with gitting rid of bad habits, but when I am depleated, exhausted, or defensive, I have no healthy way to react.  So I want to begin to move towards healthy behavior rather than away from the bad.

Reading that made me think that in this process I have always done that. Never did it with any thought, I just decided there must be a better way to do things, deal with things, process things. I decided right from the start that that shit was over. From there I just looked for better ways to deal with stuff. Writing here, reading, bathing, walking, working, anything but "that".

So you're onto a good formula I think. So best of the best man!!!

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 23, 2016, 03:37:01 PM »
Thanks bob!

Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: August 23, 2016, 02:18:59 PM »
Hey Malando. Just read your post. Congrats on staying clean through that, you're a better man for it. I hope you and your partner can find a peaceful and happy resolve to bring you both to a better place. Stay strong! You have this under control.

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 23, 2016, 12:25:55 PM »
Damn that feels good!!!

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 23, 2016, 11:42:01 AM »
Be strong BlueSun. Thinking of you.

Ages 40 and up / Re: The fog is lifting - 55 gay
« on: August 23, 2016, 11:36:15 AM »
Hey dissociate. Bummer about the relapse. But dust yourself off and carry on. You're headed down the right road!

The only help I can try offer is to deal with one thing at a time. When I started out on this journey I had a million things I needed to do as well. I still have that long list, but I'll get to it when the time is ready. Don't cloud your head with what sex was like, and whatsex may be like and ...

I see you don't have a counter, BlueSun just took his down, and it's different for everyone. It works for me cause I see it everyday, I make a point to come here at least once a day, I do more than once. For the last 30 days that has been my sole direction and ambition. Work is ticking along, so there's money in the bank, food on the table, and the only other thing is this. That counter, these posts. It's that simple. I think about the other things I need to do, I read books, read blogs, get info. It's good to be informed, but there has been no pressure on me to do anything else.

I think I'm strong enough to up the volume now, and that will be the focus of the next 30 days. Just that, plus this. Simple. Easy. If I never have sex again, never have a relationship, then so be it. But I'd rather be sane and clean and alone than PMOing everyday for hours and alone.

I hope that helps you bud. I hope you're strong and I hope tomorrow is awesome.

So add keep it simple to being kind and forgiving yourself.

You can do this.

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 22, 2016, 04:35:18 PM »
Jeez, that was quite a heavy post. Read it yesterday, came back to read it again, and yup, still heavy! Hope you are doing okay. Really not sure if it was a happy post, angry post, frustrated post? Not here to judge you or your posts, Just hope you're strong and doing well. You know I have loads of respect for you, so it's just a bit of concern.

Hope you are strong today! Take care out there BlueSun.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who wants to let go of such pleasure? Maybe me
« on: August 22, 2016, 12:46:50 PM »
Glad to hear you stayed strong.

Another thing I have done is read. In the last four weeks I have read 10 books cover to cover. I'm talking books about addiction, business, health, so I have gotten myself off porn and become a little smarter as well.

It takes your mind off things better than TV etc.

There are loads of recommendations on YBOP, and loads of guys here talk about good books. Right now I am reading The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday. Really written as a business book, but is just as true for addictions.

Keep strong.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Who wants to let go of such pleasure? Maybe me
« on: August 21, 2016, 04:21:11 PM »
You didn't ask for help, you don't need to, it's here anyway. Try it?

You left the porn tonight. Cause you want to try something else.

Understand that all the pain and anger and hurt and shit that you feel today has been felt by many here. You're not alone.

But you're gonna need some help.

You. Everything you are. Everything you feel. Everything you've written here. It's better and has more worth and value than 5 minutes, 40 minutes, 2 hours, 4 hours with your dick in your hand staring at a screen.

You know that. That's why you're here.

Don't be so hard on yourself, there's a whole world full of arseholes to do that. Be the guy who's understanding, caring and forgiving to you.

Take care man!

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 21, 2016, 12:25:18 PM »
So here I sit on the 28th day. Four solid hardcore weeks under my belt, literally. Phew!!! That was not easy. I really can say i feel like a different person, not exactly sure who that person is, but I know he's different, and i know he's changes for good, and for the better.

My thanks to Phase2, BlueSun, bob, fyg, dissociate and scorpion1386, you guys have all been the best. I am also gonna thank lyon03, whilst i am glad he has moved on from here, I wish he was still here, reading his journal and his journey has been great. Wish i could just say thanks. There are many other guys on here, we don't chat, we come from very different places, but all of you are anchors on this journey.

Thanks for the honesty, thanks for the ignores, thanks for the shares. Thanks for being here.

Ages 40 and up / Re: The fog is lifting - 55 gay
« on: August 21, 2016, 05:13:03 AM »
Good on you dissociate! Good to know you are strong and moving away from the fog.

I am now trying to think a little bit about what it means to actually feel the pain, not to wallow in it, but not to automatically avoid it. I have old fears that if I allow myself to feel bad, I may go into a misery spiral and not be able to come out of it.  But those are old fears. I am tougher than that. I am sure I can handle it and I know that painful experiences always have something to teach me. The avoidance might really be nothing more than an old habit.  The avoidance makes them bigger, and when I face them directly it so often turns out not to be such a big deal. This might seem obvious to others, but I am saying this to remind myself.

I will say from experience that you MUST tackle them - head on. All the Anonymous groups say:

Step4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. And Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

So I'm not an advocate for all of AA, but do believe these steps are crucial. Be it through your journal, a PM, a friend or a therapist, you must get it out. We are on the journey to get clean, and telling people your stuff, is called coming clean with them. It kinda adds up that they go together. I know a lot of people here got hooked on porn, everything else is good, so just admitting to that is enough for them, but others carry more stuff.

Just remember, and I am constantly reminding myself, that anger is one of our most important and useful emotions. We are told to not feel it, to put it away. But anger, used correctly is our best ally here. It's the emotion that drives passion and commitment. Anger has driven poor men to wealth, because they became passionate about finding a way out of it. The big trick is to be angry at the thing, not at ourselves, not at others either.

I used to be angry at the people who abused me, and continued to abuse myself. Getting angry at the abuse and forgiving the people who abused me, myself included, has allowed me to stop the self abuse.

Long ramble huh?! Not sure if that was for you or for me! But stare those monsters straight in the eye, they'll wimped away.

Peace and thanks for sharing this journey with me!

Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: August 21, 2016, 04:16:10 AM »
Waking up on a Sunday morning and seeing that you and dissociate are good and strong, makes me feel gooder and stronger!  ;D

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 20, 2016, 03:47:41 PM »
Thanks bob. Yup, I boldly go forth!
Well 30 days is so close now I can smell it. In the course of this rather long and quite painful week it has dawned on me just how much I have neglected myself through the years. It's all pretty hard to come to terms with. There's a lot of anger and disappointment that I am feeling. I'm trying to be as gentle as possible with myself, but also letting that anger fuel a more posive approach to my journey.

Take care out there!

Ages 40 and up / Re: My Journey to freedom.
« on: August 19, 2016, 10:58:42 AM »
Thanks BS!

Another day. I'm just gonna believe you guys that I'll be okay. Nothing to do but sit it out and see how it goes.

I think that's all I have to say!

Hope you are all doing well out there and keeping strong!

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