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Messages - BlueSun

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1
Ages 40 and up / Stuck stuck stuck (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 20, 2017, 12:27:34 AM »
Seriously the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Fail. Fail. Fail.
On the verge of surrendering.

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 17, 2017, 09:50:24 AM »
Yesterday stresswise was equal to the day before.
PMO this AM.  Got it over with as fast as I could. 
Resetting counter and not looking back.

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
« on: March 16, 2017, 10:27:31 PM »
Patrick. I started or re started my program when your numbers were in the lower digits. Now you have accumulated so much. Keep on sharing.

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 16, 2017, 02:26:06 AM »
Btw the cravings passed. I'm headed to bed. You guys saved me again.

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 16, 2017, 02:20:38 AM »
I went to my mobile with every intention of relapse.  Lots of canon fodder

============= begin whining rant ==============
: worked like 14 hours today, a meetup that I started is starting to feel less like fun and more like work, staying home and being alone with a good book sounds so much better than my social obligations I created to help me "get outta the house."  Two or three years ago I would have fought to defend the equality (which I identified as same) of men and women. Today I see equality in terms of rights and social status but in thinking I believe were miles apart .  So, a simple plan to get 5 of us together, and im the only guy turned into three side conversations over an hour of texts trying to understand the fifteen layers of meaning and subtext that caused one to step back then another to step back because the first one did thinking it was personal.  Another pushing ahead trying to get it planned out and another wondering what they just missed.  So the two people that talked about it most aren't even coming now. 

I responded.  Go.  Or dont.  We were supposed to be hanging out because its fun  so if you want to then come along  and if not see ya next time 

More texts ensued and now id rather just go to a movie than hang out.

(Insert a long string of blasphemous gibberish here)

Everything is complicated with them.  Good gods!

Im not answering any more texts.

Then I got in my car and wondered what my buddy is doing tonight  and I remember that hes dead.  I wonder when  im going to get used to it.  .

So I get back to work online from my couch after a long day, just a few more hours to go, and there will be two other team members online to help  except they dont show up.  So what would have taken a little while took 3 little whiles

Normally, 99% of the time I love my job .  At the moment im irritable, anxious, too tired to sleep, and eating grapes while I whine.

If I still drank I would be doing it right now.

Which led me to my mobile.

Which led me to here.

==================end whining==========

Lyon03, I remember reading your posts from cover to cover.   Thank you for the perspective. 

I hear you about 100% commitment.   I also know im not really 100% able to focus.  So ive left little short circuit traps in my way so I run into them when I feel like using  I set RN to my homepage so I see it when I open a browser.  The opendns blocker is in place  though I could get around it in a minute its a door I purposely shut.  So im mostly committed most of the time and then I have little support systems around me for the hundreds and hundreds of moments of weakness.

And im going to put on a calendar for me and my husband to see the days and the number of hours I spend in relapse.  Not for shame, or because hes monitoring me, just because I need to block this everywhere I can and putting numbers of hours on a calendar is opening my secret world and letting the light shine in.  Im done with these wasted hkurs.

I remember watching the video on how the neurons eventually wire bypassing rational thought and going from craving to using  the first time I watched it I couldnt see it in me  but now I can.  My rational facilities are wicked compromised.  My last few relapses were the kind where I realized what I had been doing only after my O, looking up at the clock wondering how long I was at it this time.

So there is certainly enough reason to stick to it.  If I can stay grounded in reason and block the moments I lose it.

Hey Malando, good to hear from you!

Jjacks it is so very strange how the stimulus I needed to get my fix changed. There was a growing belief in me that in the porn lens all men are just sexual and with the right amount of coaxing theyd have sex with anyone, male or female. Thats something I have never admitted before.  Its a corruption of a few things in me that I know are real, twisted into a very unhealthy thing. 

I know for certain I crave masculine contact.  Im not a sports fan, tried to like it but I just dont.  Im not competitive, athletic, or strong.  I dont hunt.  Im a nerd, I do computer stuff all day.  And I never really had a non-hitler male family member to help me figure out what it means to be a guy  I was a mamas boy. All that is valid stuff, its real. The other stuff that porn did hijacked that craving and turned it into something that is the opposite of who I am.  In straight P I could be a fantasy creation that was everything im not.

 And none of it was real, or possible, or even anything I would consider doing in real life.  And I think the fact that I hated fantasizing about it made it that much more powerful.  I hear you guys when you say no judgement. 

But man, how did I get this twisted up? 

Mio, grateful for your sharing.  I had a spreadsheet on the first or second attempt at getting clean.  And alwaya, one indulgence became two then three then a week....  and I wonder if it really is libido that im feeling.  This evening for instance.  The little plan I had to PMO wasnt really because I was physically pent up.  Im not even sure my junk would work without sitting at a monitor.  It barely worked when I was at a monitor.  I think its something else.  Something that ive called "libido" but it isnt.  Im nkt sure ive ever actually felt what real libido feels like.  Ive been on a constant P diet with rarely a break of more than a few days of MO or PMO.  I dont think I even know what libido is like.  I keep the tank on empty pretty much always.  What do you think?

FirstBigStep, I think I ditched social media in waves.  I first found myself looking at my meetup members profiles on FB.  I would systematically go through each looking for the cute guys.  It is really a voyeurs paradise.  Then I grabbed some of the hookup apps.  I told myself that as long as I didnt create a profile it was ok.  And then I would install it, look at the profiles within a mile or two, then jump PMO then uninstall it.

And I wondered what it would be like to hook up.  Im in an open relationship,  well I was, so hooking up was always a possibility.   But honestly I dont like socializing all that much so the anonymity was appealing.  Ive since decided that I dont really need to worry about sex outside of my marriage.  I have a hard enough time with sex in general considering my addiction.  So the idea of hookup was what did it.  Id look at the malls, in my neighborhood,  on campus,  wherever, just to see who was looking. 

At the same time, I was trying to post meaningful stuff in FB, things that I wrote, or that really mattered.  And I found myself checking almost hourly to see if anyone clicked like on my newest poem.  Usually though, they would ignore my poetry but a hundred people would like a stupid meme I forwarded. 

Then I realized the connection with my P usage.  Randomly I would get a hit. I would look and look and find that slightly revealing picture of some guy whose the friend of a friend of someone I couldnt even remember meeting. And randomly id find that pornlens looking guy amidst all of the normal people in the hookup app.  And it needed to stop.  So I just deleted FB.  The real delete, not the disable thing they do.  And I took the apps off.  Put RN on as my homepage, your brain on porn on my phone kindle. 

There was withdrawal.   Theres always withdrawal with me.  But having read some fellow RN folks, I sawthat this thing progresses deeper and deeper.  I cut those off before they got worse. 

But I caved and gave into the video sites and lost a month here, a month there. 

Evw most recently I went to the gym to cancel an unused membership.  While I was there the stupid fantasies from pornlens urged me to keep the membership because of all of the beautiful bodies.  It sickened me even as I considered what a hookup app could do when coupled with the gym. 

Ive since recreated my account  but I rarely post and I never look for likes or read other peoples profiles.  I basically use it for calendaring with my group  and if I can get another way to do that ill probably delete it again.  In the long run the social media apps didnt make me connected to anyone really, I usually felt more disconnected  and the hookup apps, well, Idont even want to let that get started or id have another thing to fight.  Is that what you were looking for?

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 15, 2017, 12:17:45 AM »
It's about 930 and I'm exhausted. I could hypothesize about the cause but I know this pattern. This is where the cravings happen and where I am weaker in my ability to hold the line.

But this evening I logged in here instead and saw a lot of responses to what I've shared.

And I discovered another layer of self doubt. How could I respond to other people's process if all I've done on this site is continually go on and off the P. I recognize this. It is shame. And it feels like it has been there for a long time.

I spent pages describing my relationships. A husband of a good 15 years and for awhile a boyfriend for about two years. It's ok, everyone was ok with what was going on and we were up front and honest about it. When I told my boyfriend that I needed to be celibate to reboot it ended. And my husband and I grew more close.

More pages talking about my theories and philosophies of quitting, my years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol, and on and on.

And today I am just one day in and fighting the urge by posting here. I suppose one benefit to long posts is that for that extended period of time my hands are doing creative things.

I lost a friend a few months ago. He'd been my friend for over 20 years. And when he died I went numb and sunk in even deeper with PMO. Any time I had that was idle I filled with P, in hindsight. Every day I wonder what he's up to. And then I remember that he's gone. It's only been a few months, but he was like a brother to me. And there's a hollow place there where he used to be. And I've been filling it with filth.

A piece of me gave up in those early days. I said so what if I'm not physical, the internet can keep me satisfied. And of course it became harder and harder to get a fix.

And as much openness as I have with my husband there are things that I've just stopped saying. My husband is also my best friend. But sometimes things need to be aired out with a best friend who isn't a my husband. And that person has died.

So here I am, a bit hollow, a lot defeated, and grieving a friendship that ended way too early. Those things kept me using P because feeling them was too hard.

It means a great deal to hear "me too" and stories of what happened last on the other side of withdrawal. I seem to have dug myself in deep enough that I feel the urges coming back on so much sooner than the last time I began to heal. And seeing that a month, six months, a year goes by in this addiction sacrificing hours and hours per day in the selfish indulgence of PMO.

The shame I feel shines like a spotlight on what I've lost to this. And the loss seems to compound with what is already there making a circle ever increasing in momentum.

I wonder what it would be like to be attracted, turned on by, and surrender to physical intimacy with my partner. I had always chased the O. It wasn't a surrender, it was a struggle, to stay hard, to perform, to O. It felt like work. And that's twisted.

Now in my mid forties, having given two thirds or more of my being to P I can barely imagine what it could be like on the other side. I just know I never stuck with it long enough to see.

In the earliest pages of my journal I was so deeply touched by men who actually shared their feelings, who could talk about this, about M and P and sex in general and not turn it into an embarrassing joke, or stories of conquest, or catcalling or testosterone wars. And I learned that generally men in the real world aren't really like that. Maybe it's the anonymity here that makes it possible, who knows. But today I find myself wishing that I could turn the volume down on the emotional bullshit. Like clockwork a PMO leads to emotional cloudiness. Two or three days even more so. And the days of abstaining occurred because I was just tired. Like I am tonight.

And haven't I just poured it all out here, bared my whatever this is.

I can say this. Because I had posts to read I had reason to write. And because I wrote I didn't use P. I need to let these clouds lift a bit. I reread my journals and things tended to clear up a few days in even though the cravings grew as well.

Tonight I am grateful to you who posted. Thank you

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 13, 2017, 04:41:47 PM »
Well I made it a whole thirty some hours. Blocker software installed.

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: March 13, 2017, 01:12:10 AM »
Night one.

The cravings are pretty bad. my brain is so used to buckling whenever it gets a chance.  There's not a lot more to say right now. My last few pmo's have taken longer and longer with ED so I've had to sort of force an O. It's a bit like pushing my body into doing something it just doesn't want to do but the brain does it anyway, hard or not. Mostly not.

And the feeling of being "unclean" has returned.  I can't say it's religious in nature, I don't really agree that sex is bad or dirty. But it's a bit like being coated in grease after cooking all day. Or like having hiked for hours and having dust mixed with sweat covering my skin. There's a dull ache in my head. My fantasies have taken on a strange segue, mostly involving one of my tv show crushes holding me cuddling. Just cuddling.

I am completely open with my husband about what's going on. He's supportive and not codependent with me. He knows it's my battle. And there's no judgement or pressure to perform or do anything other that continue to be honest and share what it's like when I feel the need.

I am realizing that because my stepfather was such an entertainment junkie that we had satellite tv in the house way early in my teen years. And there were a few 24 hour porn channels. So although it wasn't high speed internet, there was a constant stream and I could surf the channels and PMO pretty much whenever I could be alone with the tv. So in essence I'd say I've been on this binge for th better part of thirty some years. And I'm in with the group of younger guys who had access at a very young age.

Thirty some years. That's a lot.

Early on in this journey I was inspired by the men here who were able to open up and share. That kind of vulnerability doesn't really exist out in the world. I've shared my struggle with some of my friends. It was easy at first and one of them even reflected back to me that he caught himself at the computer about to go at it when he thought about what it was like for me to quit and he got up and did something else.

But that interaction is rare.

A few times in my journey in these forums others have told me that perhaps I should go to therapy, to work out some of the things I've written about here. It is a short distance between "you look like you're struggling maybe ask for help" and "dude you're fucked up take it somewhere else". And I did go anyhow, because it made me feel even more broken than being a slave to P does. My meds are worked out, my moods are level, and I rarely ruminate over the childhood trauma that I wrote about early on. It's like an arthritic knee, itll never go away, but I can keep my inflammation down and it doesn't really bother me.

But what does is that I have found myself almost 45 having never really known true intimacy of physical nature because I've always had my P siphoning off my dopamine and taking my natural sexual energy and sacrificing it for a dopamine fix. My most recent relapse and six month binge happened after I had decided that I lost the battle and I may as well accept that my sexuality is broken and that pixels trump people in my brain. I lost sight of what i was fighting for. And I watched normal P turn and twist into variations of novelty which left me desperately chasing the high almost every night. Last night I think it was straight p and then p where men are paid to have sex w other men even though they're straight. Not my proudest moment. And also not my natural inclination. I wouldn't do that. Its exploitation and dangerous for the models who often live fast and die young.

My normal self if I were to imagine what I would be like as a healthy non addicted gay man would only consider consenting guys who have accepted who they are and what their orientation is. I shudder to consider what kind of an effect such an experience could have on someone who is going against who they are and what they are for the sake of money alone. And the unreal physical beauty which is only the smallest percentage of people I see daily which has also tainted my reality. My physical makeup does not have washboard abs or perfect skin or beautiful features or endowments that are abnormally large. After the O when I return to the world, washing myself off, I look into the mirror and see a gut. And thinning hair on top. And moles and freckles instead of perfect glowing skin. In other words, I look like an average middle aged guy.

And by comparing myself to a fit nineteen year old who lifts weights and has a hypermasculine physique all I can calculate is loss.

So on the first night I go to bed having written in here instead of jerking my way through the evening. I am grateful for this forum, and for those who have continued to check in on me even after I disappeared from these forums. You are an inspiration. Where I have hours you have accumulated time being clean and I've followed your stories even in the shadow of anonymity.

I resolve to stay clean for the simple reason that it's becoming unmanageable for me to not try.

So here's to restart number one million. May the gods give me strength.

9
Ages 40 and up / And then I start over
« on: March 12, 2017, 12:23:53 PM »
And I find myself again having submitted to the P again.

When I began quitting drinking, the same thing happened. Months off and on. And it's time to start again. Day 0.

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 29, 2016, 09:02:53 PM »
OK.  Holidays over.  Phew.
Temptation is low.
I feel like I gained a trillion pounds.
And I'm P-Free. 
I don't even want that crap in my life anymore. 

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 24, 2016, 08:09:28 AM »
And in that way that life does, I've gotten a few curveballs thrown at me.  Tough stuff too, hospitalized friend, not good. Temptations are low, taking the form of "this would normally be the place where I would want to surf some..." and then I move on.

Overall i dont like this holiday season that much.  Tends to feel more like obligation than celebration.  There's been a quiet voice in the corner of my mind trying to plant the seeds that a celebratory O would be a nice treat even without P.  And interestingly, no Es, not really feeling the desire, so that is dopamine calling.  Good freaking lord.  Gimme a break.

Moving on.

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Sleep over mess around ?!
« on: December 24, 2016, 08:02:00 AM »
Start here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain
read the whole page first without following any of the links
then start back at the top and follow the links that matter
by that time you should have a pretty good idea of the way you want to go

13
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 22, 2016, 01:41:12 AM »
Hi everyone.

This time is very different.

First, I've sapped my poor dopamine receptors till they've got nothing left, poor things.  PIED was friggin nuts.  Seriously.  Limp Noodle.  But I forced it anyhow - because that's what addicts do.  I haven't had an E in (insert a large number of days here).  Doesn't matter.  That's done.

So here's a new thing, i'm completely not obsessed with sex, my junk, or P.  Sure, there are hot guys, and I glance and then I keep going with whatever I was doing. Sometimes I find myself wanting to stare and stare.  And I just move to where I am out of eyeshot, in the same way as if I were getting out of the way of a sunbeam that was shining in my eyes.  Really, that neutral.  I used to want to see if my junk still worked, was gauging how it felt, whether or not i had a WD, all that. Couldn't care less. I'm sure that sometime my desire to be intimate with someone will return but right now so not interested.  If it comes to M, i'm going to get it over with as quickly as possible.  But i'm thinking it wont be all that often.

Still following one rule.  No P. Avoid M as much as I can stand it.

I've been reading some of your journals.  I am again inspired almost to the point of tears to know that there are men in this world who are capable of expressing their feelings without covering them up with a stupid sports metaphor, a joke, or some kind of sidestep. 

Ok and here's a rant.

Sometimes it feels like men have to wear tough guy masks. Like this armor that is covered in spikes and emotionless faces.  There are two states that it can have, laugh or grrr.  and maybe sex, which is usually a derivative of one or both of the previous two.

I'm not saying that all men all around the world need to sit down together wearing patchouli and grass skirts singing kumbaya and painting our toenails.  I am suggesting that perhaps "bromance" shouldn't be a dirty word. Although we do not use them, there are words in Greek that approximate the idea of "brotherly love" that bromance refers to, a deep lasting bond, the kind that can get you to the top of a mountain on a hard hike, or to the top of the leaderboard in paintball.  And I am suggesting that perhaps it is possible that the discussions that we have here, anonymously, could happen out there.  What if we could go up to one of our male friends and say, "dude, I edged for four hours last night to some pretty nasty porn and I'm scared. I need help.  I think I'm addicted.  Have you done that?" and have it not be a severe violation of bullshit manhood boundaries. What if we could just admit to masturbating without shame? And I'm suggesting that the only thing that is keeping us from being able to express these things is fear. 

I've spent most of my life not trusting men because when I talk about how I'm feeling and "suck it up buttercup" is the manly reply I, who am an extreme pacifist, become ready to trade in my pacifist card for a bludgeon.

Just read these entries.  Look at the comments that we are writing to one another.  The support.  The encouragement.  Yes, in real life, there probably would be hugs.  Big manly platonic fucking hugs. Maybe with big manly tears to match. But here its all anonymous.  Faceless. We need to be invisible to one another to be this vulnerable. 

This needs to change.  How much stronger would we be if we not only have support online, but offline too. If we could own brotherly love without shame. If we could own male sexuality without shame.  If we could own the depths of our feelings, and open up about them without having to turn them into a joke or dismissing them idly. 

What if...

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 20, 2016, 09:35:25 AM »
I woke up today with a little more strength.  It felt like it must have been day 4 or 5, maybe even a week.
Nope.  This is morning number 3.

The Porn Trap says "In fact, people in porn recovery take an average of eighteen months to heal from the damage to their dopamine receptors alone."

So, I have a good five hundred forty some odd days of healing ahead of me.  I assure you, this is actually written in a tone of hopefulness.

In AA they always used to repeat that someone had to reach their bottom before truly having that revelation that needed to happen to get free from the addiction.  I used to think that was a bit extremist.  I still think it is.  I can say with certainty, however, that every time I decide to dance with this demon, the more and more i am a slave to it. 

How many times I've glanced at the clock (ok, 8 PM) and gotten lost in looking for the right picture to do the trick. Of course, very early in, probably the first week after I relapsed and gave up, PIED came back full force and I had to find a way to do it without an E. I managed.  Didn't think it was possible.  But I managed.  It took hours.  Glanced at the clock (oh  shit, its 1 AM i have to work in a few hours). Have a half hearted O, barely worth the gzillion hours of work i just put into it, my body stiff from the uncomfortable position I'd put it in all this time, muscles tensed, neck sore, back twisted and contorted, skin raw, another shirt a mess. And then vow "This is the last night."

And then start it all over the next night thinking, ok this is the last night and then that's it.  glancing at the clock (Ok, 8:15 PM....)

Here's what I know. Dopamine is absolutely one of the major players in depression and anxiety.  No doubt.  It also contributes to fibromyalgia pain.  Proved that.  It also has a direct link to my motivation, energy level, focus, feeling of self-worth, ability to deliver... the list is long. And these things I know for certain. Since I went back into full P mode, I stopped going to the gym entirely. 

I also know that once I use P, there is a high chance that the next night, i'm going to use it again.  Higher than a 50/50 chance.  Its more like 9/10 times.  I know that breaking the cycle even for the first night, for the first two or three nights is hard.  Today for example.  Feels like its been much longer and it's been barely 2.5 days. 

Where I got tripped up.

The list is long, the places to trip and fall are many.  But I did do some important learning, got some things figured out that needed to be figured.

Closure.  I don't think it's real.  I think it's that thing we chase but never reach.  We tell ourselves we'll be OK with something when XYZ happens.  And then XYZ happens.  And we either decide that we're OK or we pick another XYZ and repeat the process until we're OK.  Mostly, closure is unimportant.  Acceptance is important.  Closure gives me the feeling that I can close something up, tie it up in a bow and put it away nicely, cleanly.  What in life is nice and clean? What really happens to us with distinct and discernible purpose?

I began this journal and the previous iteration of my journals with a pretty detailed inventory of what my childhood and early sexual history was like.  It was just ugly.  In the world of closure, I try to find a way to associate purpose, meaning, resolution to all of the BS that happened to me.  Truth is, no child deserves that kind of treatment.  There's no justification that makes it OK.  There's no logic that will bring the situation to a place where I can look at that abusive stepfather and say "I forgive you" because, quite honestly, I don't. The entire situation defies reason, is completely unjust, and overall is something that I can neither erase nor fix.  It happened, and no matter how I slice it, whenever I look back into my childhood, it will always be there.  Period.

I don't need to resolve it, explain it, work it out, relive it, forgive and forget or any of that.  What I do need to do is accept it.  I can accept it and live continually looking back at it trying to solve it like a stupid Rubik's cube.  Or I can accept it and glance back and let it be in the past, then look at where I'm at and where I'm going and focus on these places.  I'm not talking repression here.  I'm talking about moving on.  Not closure.  Acceptance.

Next lesson.  Loneliness.  One of the interesting realizations I had while in a large convention was this nearly pathological need to seek out male friends when I was away at a convention a few months ago.  It was so very very strange.  I was alone a lot of the time.  Thousands and thousands of tech folks milling about.  From time to time I would load (but not log into) the cruising apps to see if there were other gay guys wandering around.  Of course the cruising apps are for cruising.  Even if they say "looking for friends" they're cruising apps.  We all know what they're for.  And there was a part of me looking for that too.  It would have been fine if I did.  It would have been fine if I didn't.  But what I did was linger in between.  Load it.  Not log in.  Unload it.  Load it.  Not log in.  Unload it. I could peek at who was near but that was it. And that is a form of voyeurism I think.  Which is a side-effect of our friend the P. Grrr...

And I knew that if I hooked up, my equipment would fail.  PIED.  My wiring is tuned to pixels, not people. Part of the issue.  Even deeper reminder of the ditch I've dug myself into.

Inside all of that was this loneliness.  I had a good half-dozen books to read.  Most of me was perfectly content to sit and read in the quiet.  One of my favorite things to do.  Iced tea, diet coke, a good book, bliss. However there was this loneliness thing that kept cropping up.  In the midst of all of this I kept feeling lonely. But the thought of trying to meet someone, navigating social situations, ew.  I'd rather read.  Except that I kept thinking that staying in my room wasn't enough.  And it looped around and around and around.  I'm so glad I get to read.  Aah, good book. (lonely) I wonder who's in the hotel. Oh look he's cute.  Oh yuck i don't want to bother it says he's into some weird shit. I'd rather read.  Aah good book.  (repeat)

Then I realized.  In the dashboard of my emotions, somehow I got this short-circuit in the warning-light that says LONELY.  It's like the light in your car dash that flashes CHECK ENGINE but you've taken it to the shop and they say there's nothing wrong, just a bad sensor, ignore the light.  My brain kept telling me I was lonely but it was just a faulty CHECK ENGINE light.  Safe to ignore.  And once I figured that out, the feeling of loneliness went away completely.  Completely.  Haven't had it since.  Not to any degree that mattered.

And somewhere between then and now I surrendered to the P and went back to the daily regime, skipping only on days where I didn't have enough energy to go through with it.  There were some days where I was so tired during the work day that I struggled to keep my eyes open, I'd get up and walk around every hour or so just to stay aware.  Nothing changed during that time except for my P use to cause the difference.  Meds were the same, diet the same, work the same, sleep the same.  Just the PMO cycle was in full swing and i was tired all the time.  Tired tired tired.

So this morning, I woke feeling a little less tired.  I will not rest on my laurels now, there is a long road ahead.  My rules are simple.  Don't use P.  I'm reading the Porn Trap to stay focused. 


15
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 18, 2016, 06:22:03 PM »
Reset # 5,363,754. Here I go.

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 13, 2016, 08:36:33 PM »
Some of you have written me. I will answer. I'm digging myself out of another pretty intense string of pmo.

Some guys ask do you want to quit or not. And all I can say right now is I'm pretty beaten up by this, my energy and will is sapped dry, and I'm stuck. I remember this place. I was here once when i was drinking still. I'm reading The Porn Trap and have resolved to stay connected even if I'm announcing my failures. I don't care. I will overcome this.

This isn't a low like a depression, it's like having worked an 80 hour week. And of course part of the trap is seeking solace when feeling exhausted which leads to more exhaustion.

The 66 day goal was cute. I could use the willpower that a few days could give. Planning out the Web blocking and accountability partner stuff. This. Super. Sucks.

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: December 05, 2016, 09:39:12 AM »
 I'll make this short it doesn't need to be long and drawn out. I've been just as caught up as I've ever been. It's no surprise that as time goes on I dig myself in deeper and deeper.  So being away from this site is it making things better. So I return with new resolve the new goal, 66 days, accountability with daily journaling nothing too long just checking in. and most importantly to continue fighting.

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: October 08, 2016, 09:18:56 AM »
Well, rather that continue to document my relapses which is essentially what I've been doing, I'm going to try a different approach.  I think I need something a little more like training wheels to beat this. I'll check in after I figure out what it'll be.

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: October 07, 2016, 10:03:19 PM »
I realize just now as I sit to write this, most of the day a continual nagging in my mind has been trying to talk me into quitting. All day. Not in the front of my thoughts, just beneath the surface.

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: October 05, 2016, 09:37:40 PM »
Today was focused and I checked stuff off my work list.  Love my job, so this is a bonus.  My sleep has been strange  but ok.  No
Pesky libido to worry about thank goodness.  Just hit 20000 words in a book im writing.  I haven't gotten to the hard part yet, so im biding  my time.

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: October 03, 2016, 11:03:18 PM »
Ok good day.  Feeling refreshed after work. Good sign.
Fighting temptation this evening, stronger than usual.
The thought "oh yeah, this is the part where I say no instead of yes"
As if it were a new idea.
Closing the private browsing tab and coming to post here instead.
God, I hate this.

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Another Try--Negative Capability
« on: October 03, 2016, 10:59:55 PM »
Im positive im stuck in recoveryism.  No doubts whatsoever.  Gives me some good distractions behind which I can relapse again and again.  Its just as much a part of the problem for me as the problem itself.

I admire your ability and willingness to be forthright in your sharing.  When you write, its because you have something significant to say,

Continuing to get up and keep walking...

23
Ok buddy. This is it.  Lets draw the line here and let the reboot happen,  7/14/30/60/90 days hard mode.  Pick a number and lets aim for it.  We can do it.

24
Ages 20-29 / Re: And so it begins
« on: October 03, 2016, 10:50:19 PM »
Hi there!
Want to acknowledge your courage and strength.  And oh goodness know that the flatline no libido is really a blessing.  I messed with it, tempted fate, and have been bouncing back into relapses since.  Starting a span of hard mode, only on day 2 or 3, not too bad.  Day 7 to 14 is where I lose it.  Im gonna go to the gym I think.

Keep posting and letting us know how youre doing!  And thank you for reaching out to me.  Today, instead of falling into a surfing trap, I decided to come here and post to my buddies on RN. 

The urge is already passed.

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: To boldly go... (Gay Male, 44 -- Part 2)
« on: October 03, 2016, 09:55:47 AM »
Ok.  Essentially collapsed for a few days. I'm not back to 100% but that's a pipe-dream anyhow.

Couple of relapses in my weakened state, the more tired I got, the more I sought some sort of sedation.  That makes sense to me.  Good learning.  I don't regret a moment of any of this learning.  Don't regret the relapses.  Don't regret the stopping and starting.  Don't regret the fact that I'm a slow learner at this.  Don't regret any of it.  I am what I am and this is my path. 

When I was heavily drinking and needed to stop, there was nothing and no one that could tell me how to stop, or that I needed to stop, or even if I wanted to stop, where to start.  I simply couldn't hear it.  I was too submerged in the addiction to even begin.  There was no forest.  There were no trees.  There was only me and my addiction.

As trite as this sounds, at the end of this weekend in addition to the other things I've learned, one thing stands out above all the rest.

In order to change, I'm going to need to change.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

Let me explain.

Those of you who have followed along the first four or five month journey -- oh boy what a success of failures -- and now this second leg know that I've got some pretty against-the-grain beliefs about things.  Oftentimes it seems like I pick the opposite perspective just to be a belligerent ass about things, doesn't it?  Homosexual, married - but - polyamorous - but mostly don't have sex with anyone except my right and left hands, my partner was the first person I told about my porn addiction and I refuse to keep secrets about it, left Christianity to become a Neo-Pagan American tradition student of witchcraft and druidry, blah blah blah.

And at the core there's this need for rebellion.  The part of me that grew up in loneliness.  Wanting to connect, but not connecting, so saying "fuck you" to the world and deciding to just go against the stream for the hell of it.  Mistrusting men.  Mistrusting gay men because I don't measure up as a typical gay, don't drink, don't party, and I'm just not that pretty.  Mistrusting straight men because I have no idea how to bond or to have friendships.

And then there's all the baggage.

This, my friends, is the recipe for a super-charged high-octane train-wreck with an extra shot of espresso. 

Some men are addicted to porn simply because it feels good.  They watch it, jerk off to it once or twice, and are hooked.  That's all it takes.  It's that freaking powerfully addictive.  The motivation for finding the porn was simple.  They were looking to bust a nut.

And then there's people like me.  I used it to support a parallel universe of emotion, where I funneled all of my sexuality to keep it in check.  I funneled ever ounce of my drive into it, to keep the tank on E so I wouldn't have to deal with it in the real world.  It mostly worked.  The tank was definitely on E.  That and a few other tanks were kept on E.  It fueled a hypersexuality in my brain, however, this program that ran every moment of every day.  I never left the teen-age angst of ogling.  The monsterbator was mostly happy.  But he grew in strength; his hunger grew, his demands grew, and the time it took to satiate him grew.  Sometimes he wouldn't get full.  In the end, sometimes neither of us would get full.  All there was was emptiness.  Plus all of the bullshit I was trying to cover up in the first place. 

Well, there's the recap, I guess.

And now looking forward, what the f.  In order to change, I have to change.  Great, that sounds like yoda-speak.

It means this. 

I'm going to have to let go of things.  Some of them make me comfortable.  They're like my cozy blanket, and have been all these years.  And some of them, i'll be glad to let go of.  But there are a lot of them.  And a great many of them, I've come to know as "those things which make me, me".

Which means, on the other side of this, i'm not going to be the same me anymore.  I'm going to have to let this me go.  I may have to sacrifice some of those things I hold dear. 

One of them, I just found.  My shadow-emotion of loneliness, that continual hum in the back of my head that tells me that I'm all alone is a lie.  Its a lie.  And all of the seeking and trying to fit in and the behaviors I've done to try to mix and get into groups of people have been really for naught.  Mostly because, I don't actually like being in large groups of people.  I hate smalltalk.  And I hate pretending that I have something in common with someone when I really don't. 

I can let that go.  I'm not alone.  Not at all alone.  I can stop trying to hoard more friends, it isn't working anyhow.  I don't need to scramble to make more connections.  Don't need to become someone else to gain the favor of groups.  Don't need to be more visible in groups, more publically accessible.  It's ok for me to do the things I really want to do, instead of those things my imaginary loneliness tells my i'm supposed to do in order to cure the imaginary loneliness that isn't there.  Because I'm not lonely. Its just that my shadow emotion is stuck in the ON position and the LONELY red light keeps blinking even though there's nothing wrong in the people department.  Nothing at all.  One or two friends is plenty.  Really.  Any more, and I'd not have enough time to read.  And that would piss me off. 

And that's just one thing i'm letting go of. 

When I get to the other side of this, i'm not going to be who I am today.  I've already started the change. 

Its scary.  And it's what I need to do. 

Fighting the fight on two fronts. 

1) Ignoring the red blinking light that says LONELY
2) keeping my hands off my junk
3) keeping my eyes off of other people's junk, either virtual or real
4) when all else fails, go to 1


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