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Messages - aquarius25

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1
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 11, 2019, 01:46:16 PM »
Hello, I do agree on all levels  and am a very technology hesitant parent. We home-school, restrict screen exposure and several other things. We live in an area where there are lot so of home school families and there is one thing I have noticed that our kids differ from their in. Our kids are really confident and sure of who they are. They ask questions, hard questions, they push the status quo, they make eye contact when speaking to people. Other families that shelter their kids tend to do so from a position of fear, they tell their kids that screens are scary and bad. We don't do that. We talk to our kids, at a level they can understand, but we tell them the facts. This experience at this camp was a really big one for my son and as we have processed it a bit I have noticed a few takeaways he has learned from this..... First I want to say I am not trying to pat myself on the back here. Second, my son is amazing and I am so proud.

First he said that even before this incident he didn't not make a lot of friends there. He has in the past said he doesn't need a lot of friends, he just wants a few good ones. He said he struggled to fit in at the camp because all the kids talk about fortnite and he doesn't play that game, nor does he want to. (We have always told our kids why we don't allow excessive screen time and been honest with them about the effects of screens and we have been honest about their fathers porn addiction as well) Our kids are at the point where they choose not to want to play shooter games. They would rather spend their screen time doing more productive things like researching how to build catapults and other thing they are working on. He said after the attack he felt fear because he recognized that as a kid not fitting in he could have easily been a target of this abuse and that scared him. I am proud that he was able to understand his feelings and be open to admit them to us. That take vulnerability and is not easy to do.

The other things he communicated he felt was doubt in himself and his abilities to trust his gut. One of the attackers was a kid on his team that he was working with. He said he thought that kids was an ok kid. He didn't demonstrate any bad behavior or anything. He felt very unnerved that this kids was able to do these horrific act against another kids when he seemed so normal. A few days after coming to me with this he approached the subject again and asked about my husbands addiction. My husband and I together talked with him. My 11 yr old son had question about why my husband wanted to view images and videos of women being demoralized and treated as objects. My husband explained about how the brain needs new material and how addiction works and what people do for dopamine. At some point my son said that he loved us both and that this has shown him how you never know a person fully. All you can do is treat people with love and allow them to be who they are, you cannot change them. He said he felt bad not just for the the kid attacked but also for this boy the attacker. He said this experience has made him have even less desire to watch porn, spend time on screens, and to play video games. He now understand more clearly how technology while sometimes can be helpful can also be something that detracts from your life in big ways. Apparently the whole attack idea was started because of an app that dared them to do this. It is called Momo? I don't understand it but I guess it is an app that you download and it has a creepy lady daring you to do bad things. Who would want to download that in the first place?

While I am sad that this experience even happened. I am glad that my son was able to take something constructive away from it. He understand better why we are such weird parents and he even thanked us for being the way we are. We try to not just use the "Because I said so" but more to explain why we have these rules. It was really amazing to see my son not just understand but then get to a point where he is choosing to continue those rules for himself.

2
I think this is a matter of how you view "recovery" and "recovered". Some people think you can be "cured" while others view themselves as never "Cured" but as an addict for life but either "in recovery" or "consumed by their addiction". My husband is 3 yrs porn free. He can have sex when he wants to. His performance is impacted by stress from time to time but overall he functions physically with no complaints here. He experienced PIED  symptoms for over two decades. He is someone you could say is "recovered" but he chooses to view himself as "in recovery". He sees himself as on a journey to continue to progress and be better than he was the day before because for him it isn't just about weather or not he can become erect. It's about quality of life and sex is only one part of a bigger picture. It is important to understand these differences because otherwise you could easily become very discouraged as the poster of this thread clearly has become and for that I am sorry. Hope is paramount for happiness.

3
My husband never relapsed. He is about three yrs porn free. He walked away and didn't look back. He does from time to time recognize when things come up when he would have turned to pmo but it is not a big temptation. He calls those triggers because he is seeing and realizing that is a time when I would have done that but it doesn't have a strong urge it's more a realization of where changes are happening and a conscious awareness of that change. We have talk about why he was able to quit many times. I don't think there is one answer because every person is different as well as every situation but one big thing sticks out to me. He had a lot to loose, it created a big accountability in his recovery. He experienced a real awareness of the amount of damage his addiction cause and saw first hand how devastatingly crushed I was. He took ownership in that hurt and he saw how it impacted our family. I think when you realize just how much your addiction impact those you love it becomes a lot less tempting to do. It like it removed the fun and allure for him and it just became something that reminded him of how much hurt he had caused. Kinda ruins it really. This is one of the big reasons why it is important in recovery to come clean to those who you have impacted with your addiction. In doing so you are taking responsibility and ownership for your actions and you have to bear the full weight of those actions. It changes the recovery. When it is secret you don't have to deal with the consequences and as a result relapse is easier because "no one will know". You end up hurting your recovery as much as you hurt those around you. There are so many journals on here that i read that you can see this same pattern play out.

As for no desire it could be stress related/ depression. I know you are going through a very difficult time right now and a lot of stress. That has to have an impact on your libido. I wouldn't worry too much about it and if anything think of it as one less thing to worry about. You can focus on being present in all other areas. If you are really concerned then go get check out by a doc to make sure everything is ok but I am sure when life settles down your desire will come back. Lots of people experience loss of desire in high stress or depression. I am sorry again. I really hope that life starts to look up for you! I will be praying for some experiences of  joy to come your way.

4
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Justified or not?
« on: July 03, 2019, 08:08:52 AM »
Divorce is so hard on everyone. There is no winner but the lawyer. Be sure to squeeze your babies extra tight and tell them you love them. Kids need to know that they have consistent love no matter the relationship the parents have. I am sure you already know and do that because you sound like a good dad but the mom in me just has to say it, lol. I know this situation is probable heartbreaking on so many levels. I think it is amazing that you are not using this stress as a trigger and you are using it as a reminder to change. It is motivation not to repeat the past but to change the future. You have little ones watching and they are witnesses to your transformation. You are an example to them of what it looks like to mess up and keep going, to improve no matter the odds, and to live a better life. That is honorable and your kids see that! Keep it up!

5
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 02, 2019, 04:20:44 PM »
Well it seems like when life gets hard it doesn't let up right away. Our cat died today. He was only a yr old, the kids were very attached. He seemed off the other day and we watched him. He just wasn't himself. He seemed lifeless, almost depressed. So I took him in and they ran all the tests and said everything came back normal. That was yesterday. Woke this morning to find him dead. It was very disturbing. The kids are having a really hard time. What has surprised me so much is my husband. He cried. He is not an emotional person and it is very unusual to seem him express so much emotion and he did. We talked about it at lunch and he mentioned that before he would have used porn to help numb the emotion. Now he chooses to experience it. We dug a hole and buried our cat. The kids painted rocks and wood burned him a marker. I am so glad my kids get to witness their father being strong and emotional and sensitive. To me this is healthy. It is ok to cry when you are sad, doesn't matter who you are. I want my son to know that. I want him to know it's ok to cry and that we don't need to use other things to mask or numb emotion. We just need to go through it sometimes.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Justified or not?
« on: July 02, 2019, 04:11:46 PM »
I think the questions you are asking are really difficult because the reality is that there is no right answer. First I want to say for a lot of partners they view porn in the same light as having sex with another person, that person happens to be a screen. For myself, I see it as a sexual encounter sought out purposefully without the partners consent or knowledge, to experience sexual gratification from another source than your spouse, sometimes with willing and knowledgeable participants if you add in live streaming to the mix. It is the broken trust and the lie that makes it "cheating", at least for me it is. So to say you would have never treated her that way is probably not viewing through the same lens that she may be seeing and experiencing in the situation. It is important to try to look at a situation from their perspective and to do that you have to set aside your opinions and your perspective. Only then will you be able to understand her hurt and her actions.

Weather her actions are justified or not, it is the way she is choosing to handle her pain. Women handle trauma in different ways. I had a friend who was raped in high school and after that she changed and started seeking out sexual encounters. Years later in therapy she told me that she realized she was doing that because she wanted to relive a sexual experience where she felt like she had control since her first experience she felt helpless and was a victim. I use that as an example to say that each woman handles things differently. Is it healthy? Probably not. Are they just trying to hold it together because they are hurting inside? Probably so. Is it justified? Who knows? Through my own recovery and learning about myself and dealing with my own hurt I have come to realize that hurt people hurt people. I know more than a few times I wanted to go have sex with someone else after finding out about my husbands addiction. I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. I wanted to feel attractive and desired by someone because it had been so long since I felt that from him. I honestly didn't know what was healthy and what I needed. I don't say this to excuse anything but more to give deeper understanding. I am so sorry that you are hurting. It grieves me to hear about families suffering and being torn apart by porn. I appreciate you, Redfire, on this forum. I find your posts to be very thought provoking and helpful. I am so sorry you are hurting.

7
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 29, 2019, 02:27:14 PM »
So this might be a weird journal entry but I feel like I am in a bit of shock and this is a safe place for me to get this all out. I really value the support from any of you who comment so thoughts and encouragement is welcome...

My heart is just so broken right now and I feel very overwhelmed. My son (age 11, going into 6th grade) was attending a science camp at a state college. He was really excited because they were building robots, and coding, and doing all these things he really loves. On the very last night of the camp one of the kids attending (all kids are grade 6-8) was assaulted by a few of the other kids. Yes, authorities were call and police notified. I am just horrified at this situation. Apparently 4 or 5 kids cornered a smaller kid in a bathroom on the last night and they whipped him with belts, kicked him repeatedly, and pulled down his pants and grabbed at him. My son had been playing during free time with this boy and one of the kids who attacked him was a kid on my son's science team. I asked my son about this and he said he was just so shocked and confused. He said that he felt so bad for this kid who was attacked. He said he was scared because it could have been him (he is smaller too), and he said he was confused because he had known all the kids who did this and they didn't seem like the kind to do that. I can see how this experience has really shaken him quite a bit. Frankly it has shaken me too. These are middle-schoolers!!!! The oldest kids were 13! It was a science camp at a state college. One of the administrators had told my son that attacks like these have been becoming more and more common in schools sadly. I am not sure what to think about that.

This program is a year long program. They are supposed to return for 2 Saturdays per month from September till April. They won't have any overnights anymore and obviously the kids that were involved in this are removed. I still just don't feel ok about any of this. This is such a broken world.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Boundaries and accountability
« on: June 29, 2019, 02:11:29 PM »
I think it is great that he is seeing a counselor and that you are setting boundaries!!! It really is essential for both of your healing and the relationship as a whole. Welcome to the site as well. I am sorry you are in this mess but I am glad you found support! All of your requests sound reasonable. I would continue to communicate and when you feel like you need to add a boundary then speak up and do so. I would also encourage you both to read some books together and discuss. That was something my husband and I did and I feel like it really helped us get on the same communication level. It helped us discuss how we are feeling and we had a lot of constructive conversation from those books. We would read  a chapter together and this discuss almost every night. Our favorite was "Love you, Hate Porn" and "Hold Me Tight".

Welcome again!

9
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 24, 2019, 06:02:05 PM »
Gracie, I am not surprised at all. Facebook makes me crazy. My husband has basically said he is happier not being on there. In addition to the huge trigger it is for us he is also very opinionated politically and social media will defiantly make him insane, lol.  He said that they can email him if they really want him to go to those groups and if they can't email then he probably doesn't need to go. I am really impressed with his determination on this. I continue to appreciate and respect how hard he works to turn his life around after all of this. On the other hand the sad truth I try not to dwell on is this.....what if all of it is for show and he is secretly still looking at porn? I know that is my hurt and the fact that thoughts like that still cross my mind every now and then shows me that I still have some healing to do. That there is still a small part of me that doesn't trust him and on really bad days I wonder if I  will trust him fully again ever? Even with all of those thoughts I still choose to be here in this marriage and still love him very much. It just breaks my heart how much damage was done and makes me even more determined to help others and encourage families to heal and do whatever I can to prevent our kids from falling into this crap. I really hope and pray that the next generation has more awareness.

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: June 18, 2019, 03:17:47 PM »
Just remember every big journey starts with one foot in front of the other. Its all about those little steps building to something great. You are doing a fantastic job, keep it up. Remember you can't change yesterday, and no amount of trying will bring tomorrow any sooner so live for today. Be the best version you can of yourself now. Two weeks is fantastic! All of the men who have left porn for 1 yr, 5 yrs and beyond all started with 2 hrs, 2 days, 2 months and so forth.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 14, 2019, 08:25:33 AM »
Yes, PE30! I have heard of him and he is great. I think you are spot on and I completely agree. Also Thanks for the kid words. I find your sincerity in a desire for a life change to be very inspiring as well. My heart really wants to see more men in this world who want to live healthy lives and raise healthy families! We need those examples for future generations.

On the life front things are going better. The poison ivy in my eye swelled it shut and pushed on my optic nerves creating a very sever headache when I tried to open it so I had to wear an eye patch. When you start your week as a pirate you know its gonna be rough, lol. Thankfully the antibiotics are helping and I am patch free now! Everything else seems to be good. Just working on our house and trying to rebuild our porch. Its a lot of work. We have decided to divide our time, so he is working at our shop and I am working on the house. We have always been hard workers and it made me realize just how much more he works now. It seems like he get so much more done. I asked him about this and he said that the difference is porn. Before not only did he spend time watching porn, time that he now spends working, but it also ins't taking up brain space either. He has a more clear head. I am continuing to be amazed by the impact porn has on a life in so many countless ways.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 12, 2019, 01:12:58 PM »
Feeling a bit better. My husband and I talked for a while, first we said we would think about it a bit longer. He didn't want to take any action unless we were both on board. Now he says he just really doesn't want a Facebook page at all. If there is a group that needs it for him to be a part of then he just said that is probably not a good group for him. He doesn't want to deal with social media and likes his life without it. I have to say i am really relieved.

Other than that life is pretty much the same. I have been doing some yard clean up and have managed to get poison ivy in my eye! It is all swollen up and itchy, so I am learning self control too LOL!!!! I have never wanted to itch something so much in my life! Hopefully this too will pass!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: June 06, 2019, 10:08:29 AM »
Good insights! Something I would encourage you to ask yourself to find those deep root causes, Example would be in the 1 reason "it feels good" and "boosts your ego" the question would be why do you need this? Are you not feeling appreciated? Are you not feeling needed/ wanted in your relationship with your wife? What is causing you to need that and how can you deal with the root causes in your relationship with your wife and with God? I know my husband didn't have a lot of confidence. He had to accept and learn to love himself, to learn that he is perfectly created just as he is and that he is enough. Women talk a lot about being insecure but men don't talk about it as much. I feel like they are just as insecure though. They need to know that they are desired and needed just as much as women do. This is because we are all human and we were all created to connect with each other. My point being look at each reason why you do look at porn and ask yourself what is the root? What am I missing or needing in my heart and in my relationships that I am try to fill with porn and why? Then when you realize you can start to take healthy steps to replace it with more constructive and fulfilling things. Heck I would encourage you to sit down and talk with your wife about it. Have her answer the same questions, you can support each other. Then in addition to building good communication you are both able to strengthen each other and you won't feel alone in this. I think it is important for both partners to openly discuss their shortcomings and struggles. It prevents one partner from feeling like they are the only one who is struggling. Everyone struggles with something, you are not alone. At the end of the day ask yourself with each of these reasons, "Why am I not enough in this area? What void is porn filling an why? What do I need for me to feel fulfilled in this area?" Or even  ask "What lie am I believing about myself?" An example would be in my husbands case he was believing that he was not good enough just as he is. That is a lie, a complete lie, because he is more than enough, he is incredible. So once the lie is identified we asked "What truth can I replace this lie with?"

This is just a suggestion. These are questions and steps that helped us get to our root causes. Things still come up sometimes but we both feel like now we have to tools to handle them. If these don't work for you than you can completely disregard them, lol. I will be praying for you and your family!

14
Thanks Redfire03 for you perspective and suggestions. I didn't think about a joint profile mainly because the groups are mens networking groups. They have some groups in our town that are men's christian entrepreneur groups. They are meant to not only be a support group for other men but also a networking group as well. This group does a lot of events and community related things. I have heard on several occasions from other men that my husband should come to their events and how great it would be. They post all of their meetings and things on a facebook group so he is always hearing about it after the fact. It is frustrating. Honestly I feel like I go back and forth on two perspectives. Yes I could share a profile and monitor everything and there is this big part of me that wants to do that but.... there is this other part of me that says no. Not only do I not want to be his parent that is also not trusting him, that is not allowing him the freedom to show me that he can do this and I can trust him to be honest. I can't control everything. If he really wants to relapse than there really isn't a lot I can do. I don't want to be the wife that has to checking and is constantly obsessed with this. We are not 6 months into a reboot, he is 3 yrs porn free. He has not PMO'd for three years. I feel like at some point I need to start trusting more. It is really hard to say that. It feels really scary and it defiantly triggers all the memories and emotions of D day but today is not D day. He is not the same person and neither am I. 

As you can see I am a bit of a mess going back and forth on these thoughts. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I talked with him last night and even he said that yes in someways it might make a few things easier but that he doesn't want to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. That attitude right there is a huge improvement! We both have decided to just think on it for a bit and not make any decisions until we both feel good about it. I like the idea of sharing a profile to start. I certainly don't care if he sees all my stuff as I don't believe in asking him to do something I am not willing to do. Transparency in a marriage is really important to me. Do you think it would be weird of we share a profile and he participated in the mens group with a shared profile? Other suggestions, perspectives, thoughts are welcome. I am sure I am not the only one who deals with these things.

15
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Needing advise and perspective
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:37:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing our friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

16
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:30:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I may repost this in the partners forum too so that I might get more feedback on this pickle. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: June 03, 2019, 07:53:16 AM »
I think that is a great perspective Bob! We are all works in progress, and since I have yet to meet a perfect person, we will probably always being growing till the day we die. Our lives are made up of a bunch of baby steps that over time create something really beautiful (or at least I hope so, lol). One day at a time. Even my husband, now a few yrs porn free, views himself as recovering not recovered. We are all recovering from something. Focus each day on making it a little better than the day before and tomorrow will be even better still. Give grace to yourself when you stumble and allow that grace for others too. Learn to love yourself and know that each day is an opportunity. Keep at it!

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Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: June 03, 2019, 07:46:56 AM »
I am so happy for you two!!! So glad to hear a good outcome! It is not easy but having a relationship healing is so good to hear! Congrats again and best of luck in the years to come!

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I am so very sorry for all of the destruction that you and your family are experiencing. It really breaks my heart to hear about families being broken. I am praying for you and your kiddos. I am glad to hear how you have managed to continue to progress in recovery and I really appreciate all of your insight on this forum. I am so very sorry for your hurt. I really hate porn.

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Porn Addiction / Re: Just lost my family
« on: May 25, 2019, 01:57:06 PM »
I am a partner and the wife an a porn addict who lied for a long time. I understand how that feels and it sucks. I don't know your situation and I certainly don't know where your wife is at but one thing I do know is she is hurting too. You have children together so she will always be in your life. Start today. Be the man you want your kids to be. Be an example of what it looks like to crawl out of the darkness and walk with integrity. I am not her so I can't really say if forgiveness is an option or not but I do know that is will not be if you just sit in feeling sorry for yourself self. I am not trying to be harsh but to give you perspective. Set back and think about her perspective and what you would need had she done this to you? Start today. Make goals, small ones to start. Communicate, even if she isn't responding much I guarantee you she is listening. Read the book " Love you, Hate Porn" it is good. It will give you some insight as to a partners perspective. A lot of men don't realize that scary place a partner finds herself in. They love their husband but at the same time he is the one who is causing the hurt. He is lying and it makes their reality feel shaky and uncertain, they feel unsafe. Weather you patch it up or not you need to help her feel safe again and the very first step is honesty and recovery. Encourage her to come on here too and get support from some of the other partners. It is really hard and partners don't always have someone they feel comfortable talking to so having a place where there are other women who have been there is huge. She needs to know she is not alone.

I am truly sorry for you and your family but there is always hope if you are willing to work for it. If she does come on here let her know she can reach out to me if she wants. I am happy to encourage anyone who is hurting because I know how much it can hurt. Both of you should read partners journals and start trying to talk, if not for your relationship at least for your kids.


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Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:37:56 AM »
So while I was reading this thread my husband came in and I shared it with him. He used to come on here as Metal22. Anyway his response I thought was good so I wanted to share it. He said one of the things he did (and I remember him talking about this during his recovery from time to time) and still tries to do is to get back to the feeling of life before technology. He tries to set a goal once a week of doing something he really enjoys that is fulfilling and gratifying that doesn't include a screen at all. We are makers and we own a business welding things for our work. He tries to make one thing that is just for him. He says it really helps him get back to who he is. He said in the early part of his reboot when he was really tempted he started doing this to get his mind to focus on something other than porn. Instead of wasting hrs in front of a screen we now have a beautiful coffee table and some really cool art! It is a story written in craft about his recovery. He gets to appreciate the labor of his recovery. I think it makes me love those things so much more. I mention this as encouragement to others. If you are struggling and feeling tempted maybe now is the time to learn a new skill. It could be a simple as learning a new instrument, drawing, running, anything. If it is helpful great!

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Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:23:33 AM »
I just noticed this thread was originally from 2014. This is a great thread and I am glad it has been brought back up. Interesting and astute thoughts Rich! I agree quite a bit with your perspective! One question I have for you is this.... living in the culture we have today how would you go about trying to replicate this porn free world while navigating life today? Are there certain things you would do or say to protect the future generation from this distorted life? I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on a call to action. While I agree and appreciate your view I am always looking for different ways to put it to action, lol. You know, gotta try to make the world a better place and all, lol.

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Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:59 PM »
I think this is a great thread. We still use a VHS player!!! My kids watch all kinds of classics. Yes the 80's were pretty fantastic, being 36 myself, but there are a lot of great ways to get away from technology in today as well. We hike a bit, go on cycling day trips. We cook together and visit farmers markets. When we are sitting down to eat at a restaurant or at home we don't have our phones in that room and don't bring them out at the table. That is time to talk, laugh, and connect. Our kids are only allowed 4 hrs per week of screen access. We just increased it because of an online science class they are taking. That is enough time to take their class, watch 1 movie per week, and 1 extra hr for research on a topic of interest. That really is all they need it for anyway, right? Maybe we are just too weird and strict but I try to let them have a childhood full of life not screens. They are outside all the time, they build, play, and adventure. Those are all of my favorite parts of the 80's and I am glad to see my kids get that experience. It takes more self-control but yes it is still possible.

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For myself I tend to see the line between habit and addiction is about your brain and dopamine. I know for my husband it may have started as a habit but at some point his brain started receiving dopamine hits from this and he defiantly crossed a line. The things he viewed were not something he wanted to view. Yes there is choice involved but at a chemical level when someone is "addicted" your brain is defiantly fighting against your choice. Now let me be clear, I am not saying this as an excuse at all. It is a battle he created, he chose to view in the first place but at some point there is a line where it goes beyond choice and that is addiction. That doesn't mean he can't choose to quit, but more that he has a lot more of a hurdle to over come. It isn't just choosing not to view porn like choosing not to wear a certain shirt or something. He has to detox the loss of dopamine that his brain is receiving. His brain will do whatever it can to continue to receive that hit of dopamine that it is dependent on. People can experience addiction with all sorts of things, try to stop eating sugar cold turkey, it is not so simple, lol. I truly believe that self control is a character trait that our culture doesn't really encourage and as a result of not teaching it in early stages of development it has made it a lot easier to become addicted to things. Sorry, side rant, lol. SO for my husband, yes he has a choice, but being aware of his addiction and equipping himself with the education of what his body and brain are doing to literally fight against him he has a better chance of success. He will be better equipped to not fall into "choosing" to watch porn. He will understand when every part of his being is craving that and he can start to recognize when his brain is trying to rationalize how "just one look won't hurt anything". He now recognized that is his brain crazing dopamine and he can do something about it.

Understanding addictions is not excusing the behavior. Accountability is still there and he is still responsible for his actions however, not being fully educated and understanding the full severity of the situation may set a person up for failure and could just add more shame which in turn creates more urge and desire to go back to the addiction. Also for an SO it helps me have a better understanding of what is happening. I know the person he is and the person he is when viewing are two very different people. He looks back on his actions and is flabbergasted by what he did and how he behaved. It helps me to be more understanding and not take everything so personally and internalize all of it. I would say this perspective has helped my recovery as much as his.

Again this is just my perspective. You certainly don't have to agree.  Whatever works for you in your recovery is great as long as your are recovering!

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: May 17, 2019, 07:41:39 AM »
Most SO's post their journals in the woman's section of the journal area. Its at the very bottom, lol. There are a few woman who struggle porn addiction who post their journals there as well so they are all a bit mixed but for the most part that area has partner journals.

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