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Messages - -Dave-

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Days 10-11-12-13

Hey there, I've been away for some time but I'm back now bringing in some news, good and bad.
The good news is that during the weekend I constantly had restless nights, always waking up in the middle of the night and going forcefully back to sleep dreaming about relapse and how miserable it all felt. That's unusual, I only experienced this during the beginning of my journey when I was just getting started getting off the hook, but I take it also as a good sign; as of late I ended up taking my recovery somewhat lightly, only concentrating on my streaks and doing nothing else, but now I've got a healthier approach and as a result I'm noticing more beneficial changes.
Also, things have been way too hot with my GF, we both lost control one night in my car and damn, I could barely recognize her, I was also getting pretty good erections for my standards, pity that I couldn't sustain them but it's progress, I don't take it as a failure at all.
Finally, with the exams looming over the horizon my days are very very busy, a little stressful at times but I managed up until now, I liked the feeling of accomplishing something little by little.

And now here we are, on the last day when my streak finally ended with almost 11 days PMO free. I don't know what got over me, I just started to browse tumblr and imgur looking for some hot pics, then gifs, then explicit P stuff, all the while trying to repress my instincts and at least not do the whole PMO.
I eventually managed to get back in control and chase away the desire without going all the way, but this afternoon, while studying in my room, I decided to get a break and browse a little bit and of course, even though I put up another good fight, I ended up PMOing.
I'm not proud of what I've done, but I'm satisfied in my willpower; a month ago I would've relapsed right away instead of fighting the urge, still...I'm kinda pissed off too, but give me a day to pull myself together and I'll be ready and more motivated for a new run than ever before.
I'm feeling that this is the right approach, I finally found a path after months of trial and error, and I'm not gonna walk away from this path; I'm gonna go ahead and thank myself for what I've learned up until now instead of beating myself up for what I've done, and owe it to me to finally find the end of the tunnel.
I will find it, I will make it, period. I know that I will, and now I also know exactly how, so let's get back on track!

-Dave- signing out

Day 9
Lucky number seven: a week later.

Nothing exciting today, managed to have a good study session even though I wasn't in an ideal location and did some chores. Nothing has changed apart from that so instead I'm gonna go ahead and write a thing or two about the goals that I've set at the beginning of this journey for myself.

In no particular order:

- No more social anxiety: it stands as one of the most important aspects that I want to change about me. I realize though that it's not as easy as just avoiding PMO and "Poof!", someday I'll wake up and be the most outgoing guy on Earth. It's a little deeper than that; by storing up all the energy and the time I'd waste before on porn, I'll be more motivated to be an active individual and not a passive one like I've always been. As a consequence experiences will be made, and relationships of all kinds will be inevitably formed, and the more I'll keep it up the more it'll start to feel like second nature.

- Finally getting to understand my sexuality: by that I mean that porn screwed my brain up so much to the point where I don't even know anymore if and when a girl turns me on or not. I'm not in touch at all with my sexual side, too much wired to those disgusting pixels on my PC to feel any kind of arousal beyond that. But I'm ending all this; I want to enjoy having sex with a real woman as much as everyone else, and I'm going to achieve this goal no matter the cost.

- Be successful: I never found my calling, and even now, although I have some ideas in mind, I still haven't found my vocation for which dedicate my whole life. I see peers all around me believing in themselves and pursuing their dreams, some will make it, others will not, but that's beside the point. I want to have enough clear of a mind to decide for myself what my future will be like and find my calling, I want to become a man that I know the present me will be proud of.

I'll have to have a serious talk with myself about what I really want very soon, and that'll be the moment when everything will be laid out and all will come full circle. Before then I've got work to do though, so I'll just have to step up my game and keep it up.

That was all, I'll be seeing ya next time ;)
-Dave- signing out

Thank you guys for all the support, you have no idea how much it means you all dropping your two cents; it keeps me even more motivated to see this through once and for all. ;)

About finding myself a study location, I thought about that but I don't live in a very strategic place; I'd have to go out of my way to study somewhere crowded where I'll be temptation free.
That being said, the city I live near could have a library now that I think about it...definitely worth a check in the very near future, could also be a very nice opportunity to have some social interaction, not that I'm lacking in that department considering my schedule, but it's always a good thing so I'll keep that in mind ;)

Day 8
Peace? No thanks.

I. Didn't. Stop. A. Goddamn. Minute.
Seriously today as well's been a huge day, from dawn to dusk I've been busy with all sorts of things, but I've found some time to indulge myself in my usual daily routine; I've got to make it so that it becomes as natural as breathing, and not skipping a single day is paramount especially the first months.
I'm still extremely calm during my interactions with other people, I like the feeling but I notice that I was much more eccentric and charismatic in a way when I was more anxious on the inside, and I'm realizing that I used to act like this and still do at times just for that reason; I didn't and I don't wanna show how much I'm actually nervous for the most part.
My relationship, on the other hand, with my GF's going great, there's a slow but steady increasing in the passion we both feel when we're alone, and this shows even in the overall quality of our conversations, from the casual one to the deeper one, so for now all good.

Feeling pretty sleepy right now so I'm just gonna go and end it here, thank you all again and until next time ;)
-Dave- signing out

Ages 20-29 / Re: 22yo - Good results so far (3weeks). What to expect?
« on: June 07, 2016, 05:16:24 PM »
Hola amigo, que pasa? ;) (Is that how you spaniards say it right?)
Nah not to worry, your english is fine and I myself am Italian, so you're not the only foreigner here, even though I'd just avoid this word altogether; we're all part of a community regardless of our origins ;)

Anyway, enough chit chat, glad to see you're already at a fine point in your journey; from experience I can tell ya that from now on things should be a little better than what they've been up 'til now.

I ended up in a soft porn channel on TV a couple of days ago and couldn’t avoid staring for a minute, but I don’t give too much importance to it. Besides, I can’t avoid fantasizing sometimes, but I’m starting to do it with a potential sexual partner.
Speaking about the benefits, I feel more energy and I’m dreaming more. This extra energy is keeping me out of my house and more socially active. I got to tell you I’m receiving attention from women, nothing has materialized yet, but I feel confident about future opportunities. So… thanks to the No PMO community. ;) ;)

That's fine, there will be times when you'll inevitably find yourself in front of a trigger, its your duty to recognize it for what it is and get rid of it before it gets rid of your willpower.
The more you will progress, and the more you will realize how sexualized our society really has become, but stay strong and don't let this discourage you. About the fantasies I'd rather have you avoid them altogether, but if you really cannot stop the thoughts, at least keep on visualizing a real person like you're doing, be careful though 'cause if you just simulate a P scene that you saw during one of those PMO sessions you had in the past, than that means nothing, so stay sharp.

(1)   I have no clue about how I could perform now in a sexual encounter. Last time I had sex was in 2013!! and the fail I had a few weeks ago was pretty particular because it was unexpected, with a girl a see more as a friend, drunk, tired, etc. We were laughing at it though, so it wasn’t traumatic at all. Conclusion: I don’t know what to expect.

Well, don't expect anything. You need to realize that what you're doing is going to take its time and everyone's recovery is different from the other. You'll be ready when you'll feel you're ready, I can't give you another answer. Just let your body and mind recover, eventually you will see the light at the end of the tunnel ;)

PS: And don't try to experiment your erections stimulating yourself, it's too risky believe me.

(2)   When is the flatline coming? Sometimes I feel I’m being too innocent thinking I’m gonna achieve improvements without going through a period of hell first hahaha.

Oh that's the one million dollar question right there buddy; no one knows for certain when the flatline will be coming, it can arrive after one, two or three weeks, or maybe it'll take longer who knows.
There are guys that didn't even experience it, or it came but at odd days for'll figure it out when and if you'll have it, this one too is a pretty subjective thing so don't worry too much about it.

A final piece of advice: you're making the right decision here by quitting weed too, just don't let it overwhelm you 'cause you'll be basically fighting two beasts at the same time. It's true that doing that helps building up that willpower that we all crave so much for, but you have to be careful not to overexert yourself too early on or your brain will give in, so keep your guard up.

Stay in touch and good luck ;)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Virgin, 26 years old, PIED, Hardcore mode
« on: June 07, 2016, 04:43:07 PM »
It's ok, like you said you're not supposed to feel giddy and ecstatic all the time, on one is.
We addict are more prone, or so I've noticed, to feel things to the extreme: one day we're feeling like we can break the world just by thinking about it, and the other we like to compare ourselves to utterly useless and meaningless life forms doing nothing but marking time, and that's not healthy.
So you'll notice that by progressing more and more in your journey, your true feelings, and with them your identity, will start to actually emerge and you'll be feeling the whole spectrum of emotions from sad to happy in all their scales of grey so to speak, and not just extremes of these emotions.

This is a path towards rediscovering your brain and its capabilities, and you made a fine analogy with that "second puberty" of yours. I feel like you've got the right mindset for the most part, so hang in there and keep at it ;)

Best wishes -Dave-

Come on man, you're better than this, you made it this far so now get back on track even if it hurts and start all over again ;)
About web filters, I had my fair share of experience with 'em, but I realized they were doing me more damage than anything so I had them removed. You see, when I wanted to fap there was no filter that could hold me back, I realize that for some guys it's an important speed bump that gives enough time to rationalize what one's doing and getting back on track before it's too late, but for me I get a surge of excitement just by hacking my way through those filters, and that's not good if you're trying to resensitize the pathways of your brain involved with excitement.

Good luck on you're recovery ;)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Reboot or perish!
« on: June 07, 2016, 03:49:38 PM »
Greetings mate, glad to see you're still up and runnin' ;)
Yeah I can relate with your last post; just by waking up late I usually have very low drive to accomplish anything, it always goes like that, the more you sleep and the more you potentially feel sleepy and tired ironically enough :)
(Needless to say, that affects how you're gonna respond to cravings were they to hit in a moment of vulnerability like this)
And videogames, they really make you more prone to act upon your instincts and just procrastinate or generally waste your time, but let me tell ya, if you find that playing for some time helps you with the cravings then by all means go for it. I know for a fact that for me that doesn't work, but I always encourage others to experiment and see for themselves.

That being said keep it up, you're almost at three weeks man ;)

Day 7
Impending cold.

Really noticing something different here, I'm not easily turned on at all by anything right now and not only that, I'm extremely quiet and cold towards pretty much everyone, but I'm not depressed or anything, in fact I barely feel any anxiety if at all when I'm in a social contest. Were I two or even three weeks PMO free, I'd think I hit the flatline, but right now after not even a single week I'm behaving in a very unusual way, I'm too calm for my own good.
The thing that I don't understand is if it's actually a good thing or not, it seems like this is actually who I really am, but at the same time it leaves the impression that something's not right.
I'm not gonna obsess too much into it, best to leave things unfold and keep my guard up, we'll see how it goes.

Anyway I'm also really proud of what I'm accomplishing; habits are starting to really become routine and I don't have to force myself as much as I had to before to read, have a cold shower every morning, resist the temptation to eat junk food, meditate and work out to stay in shape. The only thing that I really hate is to study; when I have to do it I always try to find some excuse to procrastinate, but apart from that I'm glad that I'm showing improvements not only into the PMO department but in my life in general.

And that was all for today, I'm not into the usual euphoria that you get while starting a new streak, but I'm still holding onto my horse for dear life, couple that with a feeling that something's really changing now and yeah, it's going pretty well this time ;)
-Dave- signing out

Hey there buddy, thought you'd get away posting in my journal without me retaliating back? ;)
I've read your whole journey up until now, and if you can already see so many improvements it means really a lot.
I'd have to agree on previous feedback and say that yes, all your posts really give that positive vibe that I personally like so much. By doing this you manage to motivate yourself and the ones that read what you have to say, nothing to joke about.

A piece of advice for future reference; set as many goals and pay as much notice to MW, random erections, cravings etc. as you like, but don't go ahead and live each day thinking to yourself "Oh man, today marks my (insert a number) day PMO free" or "Damn, that erection really makes me think that I'm finally getting out of this".
I strongly suggest you just live your life as much as you can, and really think about what you want to accomplish in your future and start working towards it using the time you'd usually waste on PMO; the rest will come naturally, and PMO abstinence is no exception. ;)

With that being said, I'll strongly support and remind you of how far you've come already, so keep going and if it helps, whenever you feel like you're slipping just post something here in your journal, we may not answer you right away but it can be a way to alleviate the cravings by jotting down what you're feeling at the moment.

Anyway, that's all, get back on track and do it man! ;)


Day 6
Nothing lasts forever; peace is no exception.

Dave here reporting for duty: I have exams towards the end of this month and today was supposed to be nonstop study, but of course I was kinda bored so I just went to the internet and browsed for nothing in particular, just to pass the time and of course procrastinate.
It's getting better, I won't lie it's really getting better, but there are times when I really feel like doing nothing at all but surfing the internet with no real goal. Of course, there actually is a goal to all this, but it's very subtle and I just now started to notice it.
So, let's analyze my behavior for a sec: I manage to get the momentum going and I start to use my time wisely and getting a lot of stuff done, but then the euphoria of the first productive week wears out, and all I'm left with is either a sense of emptiness 'cause I'm doing stuff and my brain is not used to it, or I get back to what I did before and waste my time with the Internet and videogames and BAM, sooner or later I'll be looking for PMO material like there's no tomorrow.
It's like an old habit, and in fact it is an old habit; when I was younger I used to surf the internet a lot as well as playing many videogames, to escape reality and all that jazz. Often times though, between a Dark Souls session and the other, I'd have a "break". This break of mine was none other than PMOing, and I was at a point where it was a routine, I didn't even think about it.
So I know for a fact that if I indulge too much into this stuff, my brain will automatically seek out the "break", and that's exactly what I'm trying to get rid of.

Just by writing all this I felt a sort of craving, but it also helped me put my thoughts in order and being more conscious about what I'm doing and what I should do, and that's already a lot.

Apart from that today I had a couple of issues in my family, nothing big but as a consequence I'll be more busy these days while I help putting things together, but that's not necessarily a bad thing now, is it?

That's it for now, I'll see ya next time ;)
-Dave- signing out

Day 5
Strange feelings in the air

First of all, as a thank you gift for joining in, I'll start this journal with my new guest: Faptain America.
Hope you don't mind ;)

You'll realize at some point that literally EVERYONE ON THE PLANET feels this way. Everybody you talk to is putting on a mask in some respect and adapting themselves to the people around them. It's a survival mechanism. If you fit in with the group, they will adopt you as one of their own and you will have the benefits of the tribe. It's not easy finding people to be completely yourself around. I have very few friends (if any) that I can completely turn loose around. My wife is the closest friend I have and even still sometimes I have to watch what I say. It's just nature. Don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes I pretend I'm a secret agent and am working an asset so I have to get them to like me ;)
I didn't mention it, but I'm a big fan of psychology; I find it a very fascinating subject and I read a lot of stuff about it. Yeah, one might say that a big reason for getting into it was so that I could understand better how people worked, how to relate to them and even how to have the most simple of conversations with them.
I would tell this person that this is not only right, but it's right ON POINT; I'm a person that really tends to overthink stuff, and I like to see patterns even where there are not like socializing, where everything changes based on the circumstances and individuals involved.
With that being said, it comes as no surprise that I'd done my fair share of reflections, and I kinda have figured out already that yes, what you said about everyone using "masks" as needed is true, and a lot of guys actually behave in a manner very akin to mine and that of thousands and thousands of other individuals, the only difference is that I have a bad habit of being too hard on myself.
Still, cool to know that you too think of it this way.

This is tough. She's at an age where real problems haven't hit home for her yet and as a result doesn't have the tools to cope with something like this. She's probably thinking that this is a short-term issue and so every time you relapse it just shows you aren't really committed. She may take this revelation hard and break up with you. As painful as that may be, it might also be the best thing for you and your journey.

Another possibility is that you feel guilty for letting her down and the disappointment is in your head. Don't discount that. Keep communicating with her. Don't lie to her.

Yeah, you got it right for the most part. I'll explain in more detail so that you can understand better the situation:
at first, when we first started dating and then eventually got together she didn't know a thing, but soon, after a month or so, I told her about my problem and how I was already dealing with it. She was extremely confident in my willpower knowing what I've been through up until now, and she already knew that I could succeed no matter what.
It was during that first period that I hit the 30 days mark, but then I relapsed. Surprisingly though she still was steadfast in her belief that next time I could definitely succeed, but I'd always relapse after a couple of weeks; it kept like this for two/three months, where I would always promise her that this time I could do it and with her believing every word.
But then something just clicked, and the more I fell, the more all that faith in me started to turn into disappointment, making me feel guilty and her just giving up on seeing the end of the tunnel anytime soon, but at the same time she still wants to remain with me even though she knows there will be times when things will not be as great as they could be.
Because if it wasn't for that our relationship would be ideal; we're great friends, always have something to talk about and when we don't we just cuddle together, don't say a word, and don't have a care in the world. Moreover even though I have all the problems that I already listed before, I'm still actually a pretty confident guy, and she always finds it reassuring that I can be there when she needs some nurturing so to speak, her being extremely self conscious and shy. But it's a two way street, and she knows that behind all the bravado I'm kinda like her, and there are times when I just need to vent out after a frustrating situation and she's always there to support me and accept me for who I truly am. So I see myself in that sentence of yours about your wife being your best friend, it's the same for me and my GF and let me tell ya, you must have a pretty good wife if what I read about her here and on your journal is anything to go by.
Anyway, even though all this seems ideal, I'm as mentally prepared as I can be if the need to break up arises; it would be another failure, true, and I'd be devastated, but I'd learn from my mistakes and I would make it so that by the time I find someone else I'd be a better man. If she wants to go so be it, I will not obsess over her if that's the case and go on with my life, I've got so many chapters yet to write ;)

Sooo...there's that. Now onto the juicy bits, that is, how my day went.
It's been a pretty uneventful day, but a busy one nonetheless as predicted, I had a couple of triggers while surfing the internet this afternoon but all good, I managed to chase away any temptation that I might've had.
Still, it's curious but I think all this work from january up until now is showing off: from the beginning of this new streak I haven't had any real craving and didn't get exited even after an hot ad popping up in my browser, but this evening I've been at a restaurant with my GF and while we went to the bathroom, I don't know what happened, but we just started passionately making out and things escalated pretty quickly, as well as my erection it seems. It didn't last long, but that small burst of passion and the taboo effect gave me some sort of response down there, much more than what I feel when we get intimate usually in the car.
Aaand that's it for the moment, I'm so goddamn tired right now so I'll cut it right here and get going

-Dave- signing out

Day 4
Alright seriously, too much stuff to do.

So, here we are again with another update. I'm gonna say that today has been an even more busy day that yesterday, and tomorrow's gonna be pretty much the same. But it's a good thing; when I was still PMOing without a care in the world, I'd often dread incoming busy days, but right now I'm finding myself really looking forward for 'em. And the reason is pretty simple really, if I'm doing something, especially not in my room, then my brain doesn't think about anything correlated to porn, and even if it does it discards the thought as soon as it comes since the cravings cannot be satisfied.
The more you think about NOT watching porn, the more the chances that you're gonna fail, because even by just thinking about it you are subconsciously over exerting your brain in order not to fall, and willpower is a finite source.
But if you don't think too much about it and instead focus your newfound energy into more productive stuff, then you'll be much more efficient in your life of course, and also in how you use your willpower resources.

Now that's all fine and dandy, but there's one thing though that I noticed during my other attempts, and it's when everything seems to go just smoothly, like you're finally gaining control, and you feel confident and happy. Well, the common error here that I would do is that I'd relapse because I'd let my guard down and wouldn't pay any attention at all to possible triggers responsible for a fall into the same old habit of PMO.

TL;DR: Find a half measure between thinking about avoiding PMOing, and not thinking about it at all. To find it you need to experiment and pay attention to every time you relapse.

I've come to the conclusion that I am my own scientist so to speak, because I always experiment on myself regarding what triggers me and what doesn't, and I'll talk about it more later on.
For now I'll just leave it at that and tell you all to try it out and take each relapse as a way to look into yourself like a scientist would a test subject, and make adjustments as needed.

And that's all for now folks ;)
-Dave- signing out

Day 3
Another beginning, will it be the same as the others or it'll be different? Only time will tell.
(Let's put some titles, I wanna make it fancy for when I'll look back at this journal when it'll all be over...but really, we addicts will never see the true end, we'll just have to be strong for the rest of our lives, we have to accept that and keep the momentum going ;) )

So, first of all thank you Conquistador for the kind words; when I started my journal I have to say, I was a little skeptical about the actual effectiveness of being part of a community instead of doing it solo, but just a little encouragement can go a long way so again, thank you man.

Now, lets get on to business:
It can be seen by my counter but alas, I've relapsed twice yesterday, I just couldn't resist but really, I haven't even tried too much to do so, but anyway...
Today has been a very active day, I've been hanging out with my gf, but I cannot help but think that things are not the same as before. It seems like that sparkle that was always there when we would be together has dimmed a little.
She knows about my addiction, in fact it's thanks to her that I started working on it, and I always keep her as my accountability partner when I relapse or have cravings; she understands my problem and supports me, but the more I tell her about my relapses, the more she becomes disappointed I can tell. And this time my relapse really hit her hard, actually harder than it did me.

Now, I'm not gonna focus too hard on her; at the beginning of our relationship I was the jealous and possessive kind of guy, happy if she was too and disappointed if she wasn't. Not matter how, I'd always make it my priority to make her feel the best possible, but now I'm starting to detach from her, in a healthy kind of way, and I'm making myself the first person that needs all my attention, not her. worked, sorta. You see, when I started not to ask her how her day went at the gym, or if some guy watched her while working out for example, I became much less interested in how she would behave when I wasn't around and as a consequence I started worrying much less and be more calm and collected. And I know I can trust her, mine was just a compulsive behavior to always check her out. Also, not just me, but she too became much more engaged than how she was already before; if it wasn't for my relapses in fact I can tell with certainty that our relationship would be perfect at this point.

So yeah, since I was little I'd often ask myself who I really was, I just couldn't figure out how my personality was and that became much more of an issue when I hit puberty; there really wasn't any defining characteristic in my personality, I was just adapting myself (and not even doing a good job at it) to the different persons and events around me.
I've been struggling with this thing you can say for my entire life, and I'd be damned if I couldn't find an answer. And yet, just when I started losing hope and accepting myself for who I was or wasn't, I read things about PMO and how it could affect your persona so much to the point where your true self would just be buried underneath all the problems that arose PMOing every day.

Sometimes I happen to stumble upon a situation when I am behaving in a very charismatic way, to the point of even surprising myself, and other I'd just don't even know what to say if not some boring stuff about weather just to not make it awkward when I speak with someone. And that's another problem; it's true I made friends, but not many and just one of 'em is a guy, that I even barely see anymore. It's just that...I don't know what are the switches that make it so that a connection is created, a bond...I know a lot of persons, but none of 'em enough to call friend. Sometimes I think that I have too high of a standard for my idea of friend, and others the old habit of feeling not worth enough (thanks to my childhood) kicks in and I give up before I even try to create some sort of friendship.

So it's like a maze, my mind is like that, and goddamn if there are a lot of things to talk about, but I'll leave the rest to later posts, for now lets just say that even though I have all these problems, my true self comes out from time to time in the form of a very calm and confident guy, and I want more of it. I'll keep it up and succeed, and I wanna offer some sort of help in any way I can to others too: we're all in the same boat after all ;)

(About that, damn those journals are long to read and the time to do so is limited, but I'll try my best to follow as many as possible; for my own growth and that of the community we're all a part of)

And that's it for now
-Dave- signing out

Ages 20-29 / Re: Reboot or perish!
« on: June 02, 2016, 07:02:40 AM »
Hey there, just by reading that you're a med student makes me like you; I love the subject and it's going to be a part of my future career.
But anyway, you're already basically at two weeks, and in my experience past that point things tend to become a little bit better, but of course it's a very subjective thing so take it with a grain of salt.

Got B+ from resit of last weeks exam, to be honest I am glad that it's behind me :) Did some work on the cardio paper we are working with my colleagues on and studied for exam. Two weeks to go. Not very much of a successful day but tomorrow is another one. Also nice story happened when I helped a stranger girl neigbour with groceries, we chatted, introduced each other and I got few smiles and good feelin as reward :)
Oh nice one, keep this episode of an example of things to come; getting back on track and working to become the better version of yourself is the biggest thing you could do for yourself and anyone around you too, stay strong ;)


Yeah, about the computer thing it's really a problem; personally I spend a lot of time in front of a screen primarily for school reasons, but sometimes when I'm taking a break I get tempted to the point where I would at least watch a couple of pics, and feel extremely guilty afterwards.
There is a solution for it though, apart from the usual willpower stuff, and it's taking your PC to a place where you know you won't be alone all the time. Although I'll tell ya, with those smartphones I don't know how much of an effective technique it is anyway.
That being said you just need to insist and learn from your mistakes, and you know you can make it, that's good.

PS: I like that counter on the bottom of your post, how do I set up one of those?
About that there you go, all you need to know.

Keep up the good work

Day 2
Another fall, the chaser effect has had its way and I relapsed after just one day clean.
Now, I'm noticing a pattern, that is whenever I start to fantasize, I tend to take it automatically as a relapse even if its just for a couple of seconds before I repress it.
So what happens is that, since I fucked up already, I might just go ahead and just get a look at a couple of pics. Of course it always escalates after that, and so here I am back at square one.
Not feeling really great but I know that the more I give in to the chaser effect, the worst it gets, so I'm gonna restart NOW, not tomorrow or some other bs like that. That is just my brain telling me things to get what it wants.

Anyway, excuse me while I look for my horse
In the meantime that's it for now

-Dave- signing out

Ages 20-29 / Re: Virgin, 26 years old, PIED, Hardcore mode
« on: June 01, 2016, 03:53:45 PM »
Hey man, glad to see other foreigners in here  ;D
You're definitely doing the right thing trying to quit weed and PMO at the same time; true, quitting more than one addiction may sound hard, and it is, but here "habits" come into play. When you start making a habit of saying "NO" to an addiction, the more you do it and the more it will strengthen your brain to respond to every other addiction in the same manner.
Also, I wanted to point out something since you mentioned you're into health and diet: willpower is exactly like a muscle, and as I mentioned before the more you train it, the stronger and more durable it becomes. And, like a true muscle, it seems to require a healthy and balanced diet in order to work efficiently, so I encourage you to keep going and always have an eye for your daily intakes.

Keep up the good work pal (and those showers...they really help) ;)


Ages 20-29 / Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: June 01, 2016, 03:32:31 PM »
Hey Faptain, new one here and just thought I'd stop by.
I read you're journal up until now and noticed you take this problem in a very ironic and at first glance light way. But it's an interesting approach nonetheless; you have a very open mind about this journey and are willing to experiment (which I personally don't encourage as already said by others, I too had a lot of times when I would say "Oh well...seems like I had some sort of tingling down there just by watching some sexy pic...let's see how it works with the real deal"), and even though you relapse you remain upbeat, which is key to success in PMO as in other things; the more you despair about a relapse, the more shitty you'll feel, and what better way of taking all these feelings aside than by watching some porn? You get the point, so kudos to you for that.
On the plus side, I can see pictures of hot women in bikini's and the like without getting an urge anymore. I feel like when I was avoiding them it made me want to see them more which made it worse when I inevitably did throughout the day. Now I can move on and not feel like I'm stirring up the urges.
About that, you're right; when something feels taboo, it's all the more enticing. It's kinda the reason why I stopped using web filters halfway through my reboot, I started to notice a pattern: whenever I had strong cravings, I did everything I could to bypass'em, and just by doing that I could feel the anticipation of what was to come, basically getting a surge of dopamine and firing up the wrong brain pathways without even looking at porn, but just by "hacking" my way through for it.

Anyway don't take it the wrong way what I said about you taking it lightly, I didn't mean it in a reprimanding kind of way.

That being said, keep up the funny stuff, you got yourself another follower.
Best of luck ;)


Greetings everyone, my name is Dave and I hail from the far and away land of Italy

It is my pleasure to be speaking in front of you today, and I don't say that just for hollow formality; I've been browsing through all the different sites that you can come up with on the subject and I saw a lot, indeed a lot...I watched videos, including most of GABE's, read journals, researched the scientific reasons behind this problem, read self improvement books and so much more, so in a way being finally a member of one of the biggest communities regarding PMO if not the biggest is a great honor. But let's go with order and start from the basics, this is my story:

I am a 20 Y/O guy, almost 21, I've been obese for all my childhood and overweight during puberty, this caused myself to retire in the fictional world of videogames since I could not find anything worth living for outside of that realm.
Even though I've never really been bullied, there were times when inevitably my physical shape would be put into the spotlight causing all my peers to look at me with contempt. And so, as a consequence, I never had friends, and I've always been kinda "out of the loop" for a lot of things guys are supposed to do during the so called "best years of their life", including finding a GF and hanging out with friends, of course only later on I would realize that there really is not a bible that every teen has to follow in order to be whole, but that was my mentality at the time; I missed on a lot of things and so I was automatically worthless.

But videogames were only the tip of the iceberg, and from them it all escalated; first came the Internet, then came porn. At 11/12 Y/O I started to watch P videos, I would also masturbate but back then I'd always do it without any other stimulation outside my hand but, as luck would have it, the more I became addicted to porn and the more extreme tastes I developed, the more I needed it to even get an erection. By 14 I arrived at a point where I would PMO once a day, felt extremely lazy and tired all the time, had major social anxiety which I already had by default since my childhood, and not even porn could give me an erection; it had become a routine in fact that I stimulate myself continuously in order to gain it and maintain it.

Then, my life changed when I was 18; I finally had surgery to remove a physical disorder that I had (which was the thing that really detached myself from every other guy I saw and damaged me in more ways than I'd like to admit; I felt different, and not in a good way, like sometimes I didn't even know "what" I was, it was really tearing me apart), soon after that I started a diet while also working out, and I went from 220 to 155 pounds in less than an year (I'm 5'9'').
You can all guess now, at 19 Y/O by the time I finished, with a body I thought I could only dream of, how much I felt at the top of the world; nothing and no one could possibly stop me now that I had overcome those struggles all by myself. I was scarred for life, true, and I had a lot of things to catch up to since I was basically like a newborn baby, but I couldn't care less; it was over, and my new story was starting to unfold. I found a group of friends to hang out with, I got back to school since I had dropped it, I started to make plans for the future, and I finally got a girlfriend...this is where things started to change again.

Now, I have to premise something: I knew about this PMO stuff already years ago, when I stumbled upon this very site and I read the theory behind it all, but of course, I dismissed it immediately and never looked back, after all why would I care? I had no one and no hopes of finding someone at the time and I obviously thought that I probably didn't even have this problem anyway.
So, we have a 20 Y/O guy now with a girlfriend whom he really cares a lot about, and so does she about him. The relationship is perfect and rainbows and unicorns are everywhere do we sabotage all that? We add PMO to the mix of course!
Since the beginning of the relationship I knew that I had to take into consideration the fact that I was still watching porn every day or so, and I finally realized that I probably had a problem when I didn't felt anything down there when we'd get more intimate, so I decided on new year's eve to start that PMO thingy that I'd read about so many years before.
On January my journey began, I started watching videos and reading everything that I could about this problem. I had countless relapses since then, but in February I had managed to hit the 30 day mark, only to fall back down again and start a cycle of 1/2 weeks and relapse, and so on until yesterday when I relapsed again after a 6 day streak.
During this period I also tried to have sex with my GF a couple of times, but I completely failed. The first time I was completely limp, and the second I could just barely maintain a very shallow erection with constant stimulation, and it was in those moments that I realized that it was just as I had expected: I was an addicted, and I had PIED as a consequence.

I like to think, although it may seem like I wasted 5 months pursuing a seemingly unattainable goal, that I improved and this PMO problem made me already much better in so many ways since I began:
- I started to have cold showers every morning and they help me so much to stay awake and present during the day.
- I developed a much better understanding of how my brain works, something I've always been kinda clumsy about.
- It's much more manageable to control my habits although sometimes I kinda feel like I can't escape them, especially true when I just relapsed and I only want to play that one videogame that just came out even though I have other things to do.
- My social anxiety is in fact way better, I said it was already improving when I had surgery and did the diet, but it's not true: when I was speaking with people I would often act as I thought they wanted me to act, and it became stressful on the long run to always be everything but myself, now I can say with confidence that I'm still not perfect, but i'm improving a lot and gaining great surges of energy and confidence as a result, the only problem is that it's not stable: I get those days when I could take on the entire world, but others are just really bland and boring, and that is my number one enemy: boredom. Seriously guys, find something to do as soon as you feel bored or it can lead to relapse; 80% of my relapses have been because of it. Personally I found that reading self improvement books helps a lot (can't stress enough how much of a great read is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" as a lot of other guys before me already said) and gym, take the car and go to the gym if you're bored and don't know what to do, heck if you don't have a car go there on foot I don't care, but really do something, it's paramount!
- I recently started to meditate and boy oh boy if that helps a lot to ignore those damn cravings, 'cause when they hit, they hit hard, and even just five minutes concentrating on your breath and gently redirecting your mind any time you notice it starts to wander really makes a difference.
- Procrastination, my god I always had BIG problems with that one, but finally I'm starting to gain control over my time and it's actually amazing how much of it you have once you start to use it wisely.

So there you go, today i'm getting back on the horse for the first day of no PMO Hard Mode; there are lots of other things that I'd like to say but really, I already made it long enough and let's not make enemies already by boring y'all to death. After all, didn't I say that boredom was one of the worst things you could feel?  ;)

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