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Messages - malando

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Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: January 21, 2020, 08:37:49 AM »
So I have diagnosed myself, I have infosomatosis, a tendency to teach when I should be listening, it is a form of psychosis-schizophrenia that leads to bad karma causing paranoia. I don't know whether I need to get it officially recognised by the psychiatric community, it would be a start, I think it only affects Cypriots and Cubans and maybe Japanese and Koreans. Thank you.
I would hope that is some kind of joke, Georgos! I can't tell because you're also saying you're having psychotic symptoms. But that sounds batshit crazy!

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: What is really going on here?
« on: January 14, 2020, 08:05:04 PM »
First, porn addicts are liars - don't believe him when he says he stopped for years. If that were the case, you would have noticed a big difference in his attitude to you, and in particular, his level of sexual interest in you. If her stayed the same, he's lying. He's gaslighting you - making you doubt your instincts and question whether you are the problem in order to deflect the blame. I think the reason you cheated is because the devotion and loyalty within your relationship is at critically low levels. He's withdrawn from you in all the senses you need him. It's not ideal to have an affair, but it is understandable after years of neglect and feeling unwanted. You should forgive yourself for that. I don't see this situation getting any better for you unless you deliver some stern ultimatums about what you need, and what you aren't willing to accept. He can't behave like a porn-addled teenager and also receive the family support he's taking for granted. There has to be some effort on his part to treat you with more respect and to acknowledge that he is completely under the spell of his addiction. I think you'll probably need counselling to get anywhere with it because clearly if your discussions always devolve into raging arguments, you can't reach any positives conclusions that way.  Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Long Way Home
« on: January 01, 2020, 12:01:12 AM »
Wow, Wolfman, i must tip my proverbial hat to you. That was an inspired piece of writing. Respect.

If that's an example of what you are capable of when you're off porn, the effort is already worth it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Long Way Home
« on: December 28, 2019, 11:13:29 AM »
Hey Wolfman, that sounds pretty awesome! Congrats, hope it goes well for you.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 11, 2019, 09:11:27 PM »
I like it, Georgos! It makes the addict immediately accountable - especially those who claim ethics as one of the reasons they are trying to quit. For the ethical quitter, it's not enough to try for years to quit and postpone one's ethics. For the ethical quitter, each relapse should carry consequences beyond one's own PMO goals.

Porn Addiction / Re: Starting Recovery Again
« on: December 09, 2019, 03:36:00 PM »
Hi TF1, welcome to the forum. You are certainly not alone with what you describe. I think most of us here can relate to most of what you said. It's a profound and debilitating thing to be addicted to porn, and it affects us in many ways that are deeply embedded well before we actually discover that porn is harmful to us. By that stage we have built our lives around it and it is a huge challenge to get it out of our lives. But people can and do give it up. It takes complete commitment and determination, but it can be done. So stick round and share and visit often - you will need support and engagement to quit this thing. Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 09, 2019, 03:28:18 PM »
Hi Georgos, you have articulated many things very well there. I feel like you have made a great many astute observations and connections there, but at the same time, I also think there are some false equivalencies or at least some true, yet disproportionate, reactions. I feel like I want to reply but need to do so when I can put proper time and care into it, which I currently can't, but I will circle back to it some time soon. I just wanted to let you know that somebody is reading what you're saying and taking it seriously, and that you aren't in an echo chamber. And I also want to make it clear that when I say that, I am speaking to you from an emotional support perspective, and not specifically to your ego - although as you know, the ego gets involved almost everywhere!

Ages 30-39 / Re: Hi.
« on: December 07, 2019, 05:47:35 AM »
It's possible there is more reaching her awareness about your attitudes towards women and communication in general that stems from your addiction than you realise. I don't think you should be too indignant about this. What you should be considering is whether you are good relationship material at this stage, or whether you are using her as rehabilitation material. If you suspect your readiness or motivations regarding her, let her go and do some more work on yourself. I don't know how much this applies to you, but for somebody who just relapsed, I'm inclined to think you are not fully aware of how you are coming across to her. Being an addict results in self-centered behaviour and lack of awareness and sensitivity to others. Maybe have a think about it.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: December 06, 2019, 05:54:59 PM »
Hi Georgos, I just want to say that I have been very impressed with your progress over the last year. Schizophrenia is not an easy thing to manage and contain - I've seen that within my own family. You have done a remarkable job to reduce your psychotic episodes to the degree that you have. That is through application of thought and effort. Alongside that, you have also made great progress in the PMO realm. So I just wanted to congratulate you on all that. I know the journey is not over, but it's good to take a moment to enjoy what you have accomplished once in a while.

Porn Addiction / Re: Info about how masturbation damages the human body
« on: December 02, 2019, 10:41:08 AM »
That's possibly the stupidest video I've ever seen.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 34 year old virgin with PIED
« on: December 01, 2019, 05:31:47 PM »
Yesterday was 30 days without porn, day 3 starting again on no MO. My libido has dropped off so it's honestly pretty easy right now. I still have kind of flash triggers where my brain remembers "this is a situation for I usually use" but the desire to do it isn't really there. Morning wood isn't all the way back but based on my daily tracker it's definitely trending towards more frequency and harder. I even had a day couple days ago where it was almost fully there.

I'm feeling like I need to start rewiring with females. Probably too soon to try for sex, but at least need a little physical connection I think. Unfortunately I deleted all my dating apps so going to have to figure out how to meet women in real life. It's weird, before dating apps I did that all the time but I feel like I've forgotten how. But I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
Definitely do it in real life. Apps are lame - they're a symptom of how uncourageous technology has made us. People want a certain thing already preconfigured on an app - it's the opposite of healthy human interaction. Risk is part of the experience. PMO is safe and secure too. It's all lame. Good on you for being willing to do it the old fashioned way!

Ages 30-39 / Re: 34 year old virgin with PIED
« on: November 23, 2019, 10:17:48 PM »
Thanks dude. I actually deleted all my dating apps except Coffee Meets Bagel a couple days ago, since it doesn't really have the trigger of just swiping through infinite hot girls, it just gives you a few a day. Doesn't seem as problematic as the others, though honestly I may delete it too and just try to focus more on personal development for a while.
Yeah, just delete it man. As much as you might tell yourself that this app is tame and harmless, when you read a description of a woman, your brain is going to start constructing an image of what they might look like, based on the information you have at hand, and your preferred type - which has been heavily influenced by porn.  And if you do that with dozens of profiles, you are getting a hit with each one of them and it adds up. It encourages fantasising and that keeps to dopamine stimulation alive, even if it's less hardcore than what you used to look at. Better to just shut the door on that and eliminate the risk.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Broken beyond repair?
« on: November 20, 2019, 05:30:14 AM »
It all starts with a day, then 2 days, then 3. So congrats on getting to 24 hours - that's really something when addiction has got you.

Sorry to hear about your HIV diagnosis - I wonder if this might have played into your feelings around your addiction? Getting the diagnosis of HIV can be very hard for some people - and I can see why it could lead to not caring so much about the future or what happens to you, so quitting porn might seem less important for a while. I think that's a passing state though because unlike in the past, treatment of HIV is so much better and people live normal, and long lives now. So there is still every reason to work out all your issues and make your life as satisfying as you can.

I have no idea what to say here but I guess I should just dive in.

Hi, I'm Melyssa and I'm currently married to a porn addict. (I guess that's abbreviated as PA here?) We've been together for about 6 years and although I discovered his addiction years ago it has never stopped. He acts ashamed, sorry for what he's doing, but he never stops. Oh sure he'll say he's going to stop, he'll claim he's getting help, but he never does. He even was in a 12 step program for about 9 months but he lied to them at the same time as lying to me. He's seen about 4 therapists and lied to all of them too. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.

I believe he loves me, and I love him. This time around he has blocked all ways he could access things so that's a start. But what next? How do I recover from the pain and deceit? How do I ever know when or if I can trust him again? I just feel lost and none of my friends believe this is a problem. "Everyone watches porn! Stop being so sensitive!" That's all I ever hear so how do I heal when I have no support?
Hi Melyssa, I'm sorry you're going through this - porn addiction is truly a scourge on humanity. You definitely need support on this. Your friend's attitudes will not help you in any way. It's easy to tell somebody who is hurt to just stop being sensitive, but it's absolutely idiotic advice and doesn't take into account any aspect of what you're experiencing. At least on a forum like this, you will be taken seriously - we've all experienced it in different ways, but there's no doubt that porn addiction is a real thing.

Unfortunately, a large proportion of society has succumbed to the normalisation of porn in our culture. It really does seem like everybody is doing it sometimes. And if you appear to be against that, you will be quickly labelled as anti-sex, anti-freedom, repressed, uptight, over-conservative, and a bunch of other things. But in terms of porn addiction, it really is nothing to do with whether your religious, conservative or not - it's actually a question of mental health and healthy functioning. Overusing porn changes the brain and not for the better. It can make smart people powerless. It can make driven people lose all direction in their life. And worst of all, it can kill love and relationships. So there's no denying that this is a formidable challenge you are facing.

Regular heavy porn use essentially medicates the brain and can become a crutch to help people to manage their mood fluctuations. After a while this can become a dependancy: and addiction, to the degree that the addict feels they need it to get through the day. When they finally realise that porn is bad for them, it can be so deeply embedded in their life that they still can't get away from it because of the symptoms they experience when they give up - that can be depression, anxiety, insomnia. Even in the face of a partner who is visibly distraught at what has happened to the trust in the relationship, they may still lack the self-control to stay away from porn. They will often relapse, and feel very guilty about it, but find ways to justify why they had to do it again just one more time. To the panicked brain, it can feel like a life or death type of feeling.

Having said all that, the addict needs to be given the full story of how the addiction has affected their partner. If a PA is going to quit the habit they should not be spared every ounce of pain the partner has experienced - indeed, this can be the only thing that gets somebody to quit. I think it's perfectly valid to declare that the relationship is on the line unless the addiction is worked on and conquered. Porn addiction tends to make people very selfish and only think about their own needs, so it's important that they are jolted back to reality and how their selfish behaviour affects their partner. So, have at it with everything you feel. Don't try to protect him - he needs to hear it all (and that he might lose you) or you have no chance, given he has already tried therapy and relapsed. I think he's probably a bit complacent that you are going to stick around no matter what. I would advise you to give him an ultimatum on this because he might drag this out indefinitely, and that's not fair on you.

There are a lot of good threads and excellent advice in this section of the forum for partners who have been in your situation. I would suggest you read through them and see if some of it resonates with you. Please keep in mind that none of this is because of anything lacking in you. This addiction started long before you were in his life, and you didn't stand a chance against it. It's not all bleak though. There have been many success stories of addicts giving up permanently and relationships healing - but it takes a lot of work. You will probably find that you need some psychological support yourself at some point. If you go down that route, definitely quiz the therapist first on their attitude towards porn addiction - many psychologists are PA-denyers and are worse than nothing in the effect that can have on victims of porn addicts.

I hope you will feel supported here on the forum and please feel free to visit often and ask questions and get opinions. Feel free to drop me a private message too if there's anything you want to know from a former addict that you don't want to ask on the open forum. Really though - we're all pretty open about everything here, there's no shame in anything you're feeling or confused about.  Porn addiction sucks!

Take care, M.

Malando, how would you recommend I bring up his PA to him? That's what I'm struggling with the most is how to broach the topic and my concerns to him in a non-accusatory way that wont immediately put him on the defensive
I think what would work best with most men is making sure that the conversation about whether he's a porn addict or not never even starts. I think it involves sitting him down in a very calm state and a low voice and saying something like "Okay XXX, you know I love you more than anything, but I have to tell you that I'm not coping anymore with your addiction and how it makes me feel about myself. I need things to change now or I'm going to leave."

At this point he might have already started to defend himself and say it's all in the past. I would wait for him to finish his sentence, give a pause for effect, then resume. "I know you think your problem is not that bad, but on my end it is. I can't do this anymore. The only way we are going to survive this is if we are totally honest with each other and we acknowledge this problem together. I can't listen to denials anymore. This is affecting me every single day and it's making me ill. Are you heading me on this? Do you realise that I can see what you're doing and how it's affecting you and changing you?"

There's a chance you might have him on the back foot by this stage and hopefully he'll say he can see it. If he does, then you can progress on to telling him what you need - whether it's limiting his technology access, giving him a dumb phone, blocking software on his laptop - although I'm not sure that this ultimately achieves much. What you really need is for him to buy into change. Maybe you need to go to a relationship therapist to discuss this - so that you can express in a safe environment how his addiction is affect you and your relationship. And he should enter a course of counselling himself to deal with his addiction issues. In the end, he has to be motivated to change. You can't do the work for him, and you can't be his mother hovering over him.

If he's arguing against it, then I would just return to the message, "I thought you might say this. But I'm sorry, I can't talk about it in this way. I know there's a problem. You'll have to trust me that I have the evidence. I'm not interested in discussing whether you have a problem or not - only how we are going to deal with it." I think there has to be a stony determination to be in charge of this conversation. If he won't cooperate, then say you're going out (or home, depending on where you are) and you'll talk to him about it later, but that you are going to talk about changing things either way.

I hope this has been of some help to you.

Yep, he's a porn addict. He's got all the signs. I would enter any talks with him on that assumption and I wouldn't even entertain hearing his side of it as to why he isn't a porn addict and how everything that you've found was from years ago. That's an insult to your intelligence to even have to hear it.

The way I see it, either he fesses up straight away and talks to you about what he's going to do about the problem, or you cut him loose. It really is that simple. This situation will not improve for you unless he is absolutely under no illusions that you are not willing to put up with this any longer. If he wants to keep doing this, he needs to let you go. Don't waste your precious time on somebody who is happy to gaslight you and leave you feeling constantly confused and paranoid. If he's got a problem, the least he could do is admit it and not lie about it - for your sanity if nothing else. If you care about him that much, tell him you'll support him to get help, but any more lies and you're out the door.

That's awesome, man! You spoke really well and got that message out there in a new forum. Katie is a great person for tackling new stuff in an open-minded way. Kudos!

Women / Re: I need some advice about my first-time sex
« on: November 08, 2019, 05:39:13 AM »
Sorry to have to ask this, but are you male or female? What is your purpose in starting this thread without actually asking the question you alluded to? Please be aware that this isn't a place to come to for sexually based amusement.

Porn Addiction / Re: Does this work?
« on: October 28, 2019, 01:18:34 PM »
You're describing classic PIED, Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Yes, it will produce any and all of the symptoms you have. The only thing you can do is completely stay away from porn and wait for your brain to heal. This can take a while - for some it is 3 months - for others it can take more than a year. You won't know how long it will be for you until you give up and see what happens. I would advise a minimum 90 day reboot before you even consider having sex again. And that means complete abstinence from porn. It would also be advisable to avoid masturbating in this period too. Also be aware that you have to keep porn out of your life permanently - you can't reboot and then bring it back in a reduced form after you recover. It will put you back in the same situation. Forget about the medications too - you don't have a physical blood flow problem, you have a brain stimulation problem which can't be fixed with ED medication. A lot of doctors have no idea about porn addiction and will not treat you for it. I suspect in Nigeria it's even less commonly recognised by doctors than it is in the West (and it's not good here either). You will simply have to deal with this yourself and with help from communities like this one. Good luck, and stick around for advice and support. Best, Malando.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 27, 2019, 08:55:50 AM »
As a child I didn't feel I needed to help myself, I felt that I needed to help other people so that they would help me. Politics is really about collectively helping oneselves and identifying those who share one's needs. Thus the distinction between Right and Left disolves. In reality, the only difference between Right and Left is the distinction of ownership of capital, which forms two competing groups, those who own capital and those who don't, the bosses and the workers.The middle classes represent the overlap of the two, and the entire spectrum is dynamic as are political leanings.

I agree, and that's why I can't bring myself to vote for the right. If the principal difference between the two sides is the influence and ownership of capital, I can only vote for the side that is more likely to share some of it, rather than those who are tasked to keep it in the hands of the rich. The difference in reality is small, but even if public spending is only 5% higher on the left, than on the right, that's still something - much as this subtle distinction might disappoint people with high ideals.

Porn Addiction / Re: Orgasm afer quitting , how is it harmful?
« on: October 27, 2019, 08:49:50 AM »
I think you're describing my situation too. :(

What sort of supplements are you taking? Are you being serious when you're saying your body might never recover??

Yes I'm serious, I lived it for months without knowing. Many people are stuck in this situation and are finding that just rebooting/abstaining is not enough. Your body needs a jump start, like a dead car battery that can't re-charge itself as he explains it.. This Dr. explains it all. He has many many case examples on his site. I take 3 products called Moodmax, Pinealtonin and Viagrowth
If you email him from his website and give your symptoms he'll tell you what you should take.

Is Dr. Lin legit? Are those products worth the investment. I spoke to him through email and he recommended some of those supplements, and said 2-3 weeks should all i need to see healing.
Weapons grade boloneyum. Of course the body has the ability to repair itself. The idea that only these expensive supplements can fix you is exactly what somebody profiting off their sale would say. Countless people have successfully recovered without these supplements. Try a balanced diet, exercise, healthy lifestyle and different interests and recovery will come. Dr Lin knows that people who buy supplements are already committed to giving up porn, so he knows that improvements will come anyway. The supplements don't need to do anything for a believing person to think they are helping. It's the definition of a placebo. The main thing is to give up PMO by whatever means necessary - that's what's screwing up your brain.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 24, 2019, 08:29:26 AM »
Interesting thoughts, Georgos. I don't have anything to say at this point, but it's interesting to consider the points you make.

Ages 30-39 / Re: a new chance
« on: October 20, 2019, 09:16:29 AM »
You know, you are not the only guy who is 30+ who hasn't had sex or a relationship yet. It's not as rare as you think. It is certainly possible to change these things in your life, but you need to get off the porn to have any chance. That has to be your number one priority - as well as quitting any habits you have which lead you to using porn. Once you have control of that, your confidence will increase and you can start with learning how to talk to women effectively and then start dating. It's a gradual process usually, but it's very possible if you start working on your problems with a real sense of determination and purpose.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 36 year old virgin dealing with porn addiction and PIED
« on: October 20, 2019, 09:06:13 AM »
Sorry, I missed Depressed and Out's post and should have deleted it because it was out of context after I had already deleted the offending users posts that it referred to. D & O was not out of line at all. The posts were very offensive and completely absurd. He is a disgruntled former member who comes back periodically to protest the cause here at RN and claims to be all about freedom and shattering myths about porn. He is now a porn-advicate because he has failed to conquer his addiction so he took a "if you can't beat em, join em" approach. I know this to be true because he used to post desperately about not being able to give up and how bad porn was. He isn't able to be permanently banned because he uses a VPN to sign up each time. I delete his posts and accounts each time I see them, but sometimes they linger for 24 hours or so if I'm busy.

Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: October 17, 2019, 12:17:50 PM »
People overemphasise the "chemistry" angle when talking about potential relationships. A lot of it is not about some magical force that you have no control over. A lot of it is about the avoidance of certain key warning triggers that cause people to retreat. Here's a few:

Awkward silence moments: Early-stage dating is very sensitive to these. People are often monitoring for confirmation of compatibility by judging how much they have to take about. Any awkward silences where both parties are stuck for words will often trigger a panic response "oh no, this is getting hard, maybe we aren't clicking". It's quite silly really because the pressure on the occasion to "work out" naturally drives this tension to that conclusion. Even when a date has been largely full of discussion, more than a few awkward moments and this can turn the whole thing in a different direction. Also important to note is that one person might think a date went perfectly and that there were no awkward moments, while the other thinks it was the opposite and was full of them. It depends on their level of sensitivity to silent moments and how they interpret them.

Talk of living with one's parents: some people are perfectly fine with unusual living circumstances, but the majority aren't. Some are fine with it themselves, but then when they go reporting on their date with their friends, their friends will turn their thoughts to worries about why it might not work out. I've seen that happen more times than I can remember. Friends are often the worst thing for a prospective relationship because they often get a lot of pleasure about being the wise, objective counsel - which, of course, they aren't due to their own ego involvement. You can't control this though. But just know that any person you date is contending with the assumptions made around living at home with family - either within themselves or in discussions with people they know.

Controversial topics: sometimes it's better to ease into your true feelings on politics, religion, mental health etc. when you have established a rapport that feels very safe. People are hypersensitive to everything when evaluating a new person for relationship suitability. They are looking for reasons they might feel unsafe in a relationship with you. Even though most topics will not represent a real danger to them if introduced later, sometimes raising them too early will have a frightening effect and change the course of a relationship.

I don't say this to imply that you should be fake and disingenuous about who you are, but you need to know that it's a lot to do with how skilled you are about keeping a flow, ease, and keeping a safe, fun vibe going in the early stages of dating. Some people are better at this than others. That's why some people are so much more successful than others at the dating game and why some people have 100's of sexual partners in their history and others have zero and feel like it's completely inscrutable and mysterious, yet biased against them. Some people are more intense than others and they have to make a judgement call about whether to just accept that and become resilient about being rejected, or they have to learn how to play the game and go through that initial groundwork or engendering safety and security into the relationship before revealing more about their nature. Both approaches have some validity.

I think, having had a limited dating history, you probably aren't as attuned to these factors as you could be. You are also a very keen and enquiring mind who is not afraid to confront controversy. This means you might be triggering warning signals in any or all of these areas. It's something to keep in mind as you evaluate the whole "chemistry" angle because most people are reaching conclusions on these areas on an unconscious level and they might only be able to summarise it as "chemistry" or "no-chemistry". It's a strange one - people are happy to bypass a lot of critical thinking and analysis so they can rely on unconscious processing that results in a binary conclusion. It's the culture many of us are born into - the romantic fantasy that love works for unknowable, mysterious reasons. In reality it's about needs being met and most of them are perfectly rational and analysable. We just kid ourselves that we are part of a magical world for a while. After a while of dating though, most people know why it is or isn't working and where the compatibility or incompatibility lies.

Try no to obsess over this though. The main message I'm trying to give you here is that your main objective in early stage dating is to make it a safe place to continue the discussion. Try not to rock the boat or induce concern early on. You need this skill so that you can get to the next phase of working out your actual compatibility. If you've ever heard the term "gift of the gab" with respect to people who can talk effortlessly to people and make connections - this is what that is: the ability to make people feel safe while you explore your compatibility.

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