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Messages - malando

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Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: September 14, 2019, 09:31:50 AM »
Hey man, sorry you're doing it so tough. My heart goes out to you. Are there any people you could hang with to offset the loneliness? Isolation is the worst.

With respect to your mom, dad and ex-wife. I think it's a mistake to wait around hoping for them to make any moves to resolve things with you. I think you either have to give up on it, or take the lead and present the best version of yourself who wants to express himself, but also work things out. Avoidant people like these need to be shown the way. Sometimes you can get a breakthrough if you lead the way - but it takes great self-control not to react to every trigger that comes up, so you need to be ready to take the high road and keep your eyes on your objective, which is setting things as right as they can be given the circumstances. I've had to accept that there are some things I'll never sort out with my parents - they just can't take responsibility for things they've done. They claim to not even remember most of it! I took the angle that I don't need them to agree to anything, or admit anything, only that I want to speak my truth and then put it behind us. It was the best thing I could do to rid myself of the anger I was holding onto. These are flawed and damaged people we are talking about - try not expecting too much from their reactions, but do demand to be heard. You never know how a different approach might play out.

Porn Addiction / Re: A sad poem for myself, relapse again.
« on: September 11, 2019, 05:04:25 AM »
Good luck, man. Do you have any specific strategies you are planning to use to give you a different result this time?

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: September 05, 2019, 05:13:56 AM »
Can we dial down the porn terminology? Terms like "Milf" are not appropriate on this forum.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting again
« on: September 03, 2019, 09:44:18 PM »
Congrats Kenny! You are a living, breathing example of somebody turning this shit around. Great job.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Shemale Addiction
« on: September 02, 2019, 11:39:23 PM »

Have you ever had a read through your posts? I'd be surprised if you are proud of what you've posted here. I'd say you are more affected by porn than you even know. Your attitude to women is deplorable. And please leave that 16 year old girl alone. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: August 31, 2019, 02:12:33 PM »
You go to Mass to get laid?

Porn Addiction / Re: HOW I GOT HOOKED
« on: August 24, 2019, 03:04:00 AM »
Best of luck Jirapon . We are here to support you! I understand your situation. I feel porn stole a lot of years and motivation from me too. The best thing a porn user can do for themselves is to banish it from their lives.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years
« on: August 22, 2019, 12:32:47 PM »
dude no relapse man. By saying that you're basically expecting to fail. Stay strong man, this demon needs all the strength you have to defeat it.
interesting, dude thinks words matter for others, but doesn't think they matter for him... ironic...

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: August 21, 2019, 08:02:16 PM »
Maybe consider changing your screen name. It may have started out as a self-deprecation, but if you want to move your headspace towards your ultimate goal, I don't think this is a good name to carry or be associated with. Just a small thing maybe, but change is made up of many small things.... Best wishes, M.

Sure thing. Can you kindly change it to Captain Amazing please?

Was just trying to offer some advice to help you. I'll leave you to it.

Porn Addiction / Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 21, 2019, 04:42:17 AM »
One of the the great myths of the modern world is the idea that boredom=bad, and that you should do everything you can to avoid boredom. But actually I have read some interesting articles which suggest that boredom is important. Sometimes we should be just sitting down in a room without stimulation. It leads to at the brain being more thoughtful and creative, and also in tune with your needs and your progress, assess new opportunities and directions. As long as you are pumping all kinds of external stimulus into your mind, you tend to silence the inner voice that otherwise would, and should, speak up and let you know what it wants, what it thinks, what it's unsatisfied by, etc.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Fapping, pliz go ->
« on: August 21, 2019, 04:37:17 AM »
Maybe consider changing your screen name. It may have started out as a self-deprecation, but if you want to move your headspace towards your ultimate goal, I don't think this is a good name to carry or be associated with. Just a small thing maybe, but change is made up of many small things.... Best wishes, M.

Hi there, I have responded to various points in blue below:
I've been educating myself on Pornography addiction and sex addiction, but I still need to get my head around some topics. My newly wed husband told me about his addiction. We are together for 11 years but just got married. We met each other as teenagers, we were only 17. He blamed - as many - the addiction on the fact that we only saw each other on the weekends and thought the habbit might go away after the wedding.
That's an unfortunate lie that porn addicts tell themselves - the behaviour is due to factors outside of themselves, they were driven to it by unreasonable burdens. Also the "I can stop when I get what I need". As you now know, this is a total fallacy. Addicts have very little reasoning component in their behaviour. It's a compulsion, with very little cognition. They just want it, pure and simple. The most cognition happens after a problem is revealed and then there is internal conflict because they know they should stop this thing they love. There is a lot of frustration and struggle in this. They spent all these years thinking it was great, but it turns out it's been slowly poisoning them! But by that stage the dopamine addiction is so strong, it's very hard to just quit. It takes a lot of education and strategising to kick this addiction.
When he told me, I asked him when was the last time he went 3 days without porn and his answer was our honeymoon. I was devastated.
For a confirmed addict, unfortunately, this is not unusual.
Right now he is on reboot for 2 weeks. He joined a gymn with me, and I can notice the change is his behaviour before life, yet, he is still not attracted to me.
I asked him if he is feeling attracted to other women, and he told me that it has been hard for him to catch sight of so many tights at the gymn. And all I thought was: I know one ass he is not looking at.
Yes, unfortunately, his addiction has taken his focus of you and your relationship and put it all on cheap thrills. That's the nature of pron addiction. Real life is very bland to a porn addict. They focus on what they haven't seen yet, what they haven't had, can't have etc, instead of what they do have. This obsession with always finding new things to be titillated by means they lose all appreciation for the woman they have. And how could she compete? She can't be a million different women doing a million different acts.
If he's serious about beating his addiction and he can't even handle a few women in tights at the gym, he should quit the gym or go to a men only gym. If those sights, and his lack of self control to avoid looking at them, are retriggering his thoughts around porn, then it's bad for his recovery. He's be better off working out at home with some dumbbells or a multi-gym. It's not acceptable for him to come home bemoaning how many hot women are at the gym making life hard for him. No, no, no! Don't buy into the excuses he offers - only buy into the solutions he proposes, if they seem reasonable to you.

We did have sex, since he quit, it was alright. But, right now I am questioning everything and comparing my self to every girl around. I don't know what to do to try and recover some self-esteem.
Maybe you should take sex off the table for a while? Seems like he is likely to only use it to self-medicate anyway at this point - rather than use it to feel connected and appreciative of you. I think he might need an enforced layoff until his brain has recalibrated somewhat.
He asked me if I could prevent walking around the house in lingerie or naked, so I could help him reconnect. But what about the rest of the world? All I think about right now is how invisible I am, how useless I have become for so long and still am. Is this ever gonna go away?
I don't know, that really depends on him and how seriously he's taking this. Does he realise this is a threat to your marriage? That this is taking a huge personal toll on your well-being? That this is not sustainable for you and that it will end your marriage if he doesn't get control of himself? If he doesn't, then you probably will need a series of heart-to-hearts until he gets it. He stands to be a lonely old man with a limp dick if he continues on this track.
How do I help him while I am healing? What do I share with him without make him feel guilty and making him worst?
I think you have to just keep having open and honest conversations about it - how this is affecting your relationship, what you can do together to reconnect, what he can do to ensure he's not spending time on his devices like that ever again. This will be a challenging time - the truth is, he will relapse. I don't know of anybody who didn't on the way to recovery. You need to keep the channels of communication open and be ready for setbacks. Don't be negative all the time, but make sure you are clear in your expectations of him and that only a successful recovery will do. If he commits to change and takes strong steps to kick this thing, then you will be by his side, If he wallows in his addiction, then he's on his own. That would be my advice.

Ages 30-39 / Re: A Better Tomorrow
« on: August 16, 2019, 01:32:30 PM »
Hi NS, no need to apologise for anything you said, or the length of it. It was an honest, well-expressed exposé of where you're at - and I can only commend you on your honesty and courage in examining yourself like that and writing it down. You are on the right track: becoming more and more aware of yourself and your inner workings. That's a good thing and that's what will get you to your desired destination. So thanks for sharing, man. Best wishes, M.

Porn Addiction / Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 16, 2019, 12:06:44 AM »
I know how you feel, I have never made it more than a week without fapping in my life, since I first did it when I was around 13, and now I am almost 30, I feel like it is impossible, I have tried and failed so many times that I gave up on quitting years ago, and accepted it a part of my life and lived in denial that it wasn't an addiction, thinking that it won't ruin my life if I don't fight it, but every time I try to leave it alone for a while, I fall off the wagon harder and rougher than before, I was surfing the deep web looking at highly illegal porn and masturbating to it, again and again, till it was my normal, normal hardcore stuff didn't do it for me, I wanted illegal, highly taboo and violent stuff to get off to, I can't even say the stuff I was into here because of the blow back I will get and probable legal problems I can get into, but believe me I know how you feel, I have been suicidal for years, since I was a young teen, and I have seriously planned my own death countless times, or thought about just cutting off my genitals to get rid of this curse. I relapsed twice last night within one hour after 4 days of abstaining, the trigger as I see it is fantasizing about something, as soon as my brain is thinking it, my body will follow. I try to fight it, trying to go to sleep when I feel like I may relapse, I can't think straight.
I just find it hopeless, I don't even know if there is a another side of this fight, where it will be easier or if I will have to live like this when abstaining, with muscle cramps, and temper on high alert, violent and cranky all the time, unable to sleep, unable to work or study on computer without watching porn or reading erotica or sex chatting . ever where I go I can't escape it, this is hopeless, but I will continue to fight, as long as I am alive, even if this has to become my new normal, I am rewiring my brain and it wont be easy, so I will keep doing it, no matter how much I hate myself, I will keep doing it.
You should think very carefully about this illegal stuff you're viewing. Do you think this material is actually morally wrong? If any part of you is indifferent to this material, you should seek help immediately. You should do that anyway because what you are doing could very easily take your freedom. These days, law enforcement can catch up with you when you least suspect it. Your entire life could be in the toilet if you don't get yourself away from this stuff pronto. More than that, you shouldn't let yourself think that just because you're a raging porn addict who wants ever increasing stimulation to get off, then it's acceptable to arouse yourself with material that involves the illegal exploitation of others. So let's just get this clear right now, shall we? Do not consume material like this - it's evil, it's cruel, it's exploitative. No amount of stimulation can justify supporting that industry. I'm coming down hard on you here because I think you need a serious reality check. It's not that I can't relate or sympathise with your addiction. All of us here can. But you can't be looking at that illegal shit. I think you should throw all your computer devices in the trash before you look at that again. I'm not even kidding - if you can't resist, you don't deserve to even have a computer in your life. If word gets out what you've been looking at, nobody is going to understand or be forgiving just because you are the product of porn escalation. They'll just judge what you were caught looking at. So stop that shit, okay?

Now, what changes are you actually willing to make to stop this cycle? How far are you willing to go? I think you need to take this more seriously than you have been. It's a give up at all costs scenario for you now. I'm happy to talk this through with you, but I want you to make a promise that you won't go near that dark web stuff again, ok?

Porn Addiction / Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 14, 2019, 12:58:33 AM »
Man, I'm so sorry to hear of your anguish. It's a vile beast, to be sure, but you can fight your way out of this. I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your family, but I really think your friend would understand. The thing about those "rock" friends is that they have certain attributes that make them the perfect confidants: they are loyal, non-judgemental, supportive, compassionate. I think you should trust in your friend and say something like, "man, you are the only person I trust to talk about this, but there's something I'm really struggling with and I am not coping on my own with it" and go from there. I'd be astonished if he wasn't supportive to you. He'll want to help you. He would have noticed all the anguish anyway, and he hasn't left yet. Why would he leave just because he finally found out the reason? You need to have some faith and confide in somebody so you can get some support - and somebody you can call in your hour of need. Please think this over because I sense from your post today that isolation is really hurting you. Don't lose hope! Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: A Better Tomorrow
« on: August 12, 2019, 06:58:37 AM »
I'm sorry to hear that, NS. And yes, we all know the feeling of relapse. I understand the devastation. You'll have to give it a day or two for that feeling of anger and remorse to dissipate. But it will. So just make sure you don't relapse again - it's really easy to do when you've been doing really well and you feel like you've let yourself down in a big way. In can activate a quitter's reflex (you want to quit quitting porn), and cause you to act out in protest and frustration. I don't think you're thinking that way now, but be on guard for that type of cascade of thoughts. It can lead you down the same rabbit hole as the one the magazine lead you down.

You have learned a valuable lesson from this. It will strengthen your resolve once you are through this feeling crisis. You'll know to avoid that trigger next time, and anything that resembles it. For now, you just have to ride out the feelings of frustration, let it go somehow, and recommit to your goal. I think you can do it. Best wishes, M.

Porn Addiction / Re: Disturbed by choice of material
« on: August 07, 2019, 02:31:25 PM »
I would say that it's pretty common for people to end up disturbed by what they have been watching to arouse themselves. For most, in their non-aroused, non-seeking state, they wouldn't find such things ok at all, but when they are in that obsessive, maniacal state where they are seeking maximum arousal, their inhibitions vanish and they are willing to look at completely abhorrent material to get to their end result. They might find that only seconds after they "finish", they are quickly jolted back to reality with feelings of disgust, self-loathing and remorse. This goes to show how porn can mess with our minds and take us away from the person we want to be and the values we want to uphold. The danger is that the disgust we feel about ourselves can lead to a lowering of self-esteem which actually leads to the next relapse. People often make deals with themselves based on what standards they feel they are reaching - or not reaching. Somebody who decides they are a failure will often use that as a justification to keep failing - so they relapse again and again, and use the resulting feeling of failure as confirmation of what they think they are - rather than something that is unacceptable and changeworthy. Somebody who is determined to succeed will not feed this cycle - even when they relapse. They will use that failure moment to redouble their commitment to their goal. As with all things - it's all a matter of perspective. Some people need some serious help with their self-esteem before they can hope to defeat this addiction.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
« on: August 06, 2019, 01:45:02 AM »
Good luck, GG. We are here to support you.

I know it's typical for people who respond to such honest confessions to give the proverbial pat on the back and give some encouragement. But I'm going to have to take a different position. I can deal with everything you wrote except one thing - going to see prostitutes. Are you freaking kidding me, man?! You're in a good place in your relationship apart from the fact that you're seeing hookers behind her back? If you want to confess your failings, that's fine, we've all done that, but don't be kidding yourself. Your relationship with your wife is on a knife's edge. If she knows what you're doing, she probably kicks you to the curb. So whilst you can compartmentalise this as a disorder you are experiencing in isolation from your wife, I can assure you that your wife would not be able to compartmentalise it in the same way. To her it would represent a catastrophic failure in your relationship. You are breaking your vows to her. You are not being honest with her. You are breaking your communication with her. You are exposing her to the risk of sexually transmitted infections - possibly even fatal ones like HIV and Hepatitis. So, when you read that, do you still think your relationship is on solid ground and that if you can just get hold of your sexual mania, you and your marriage will be fine? I really hope not, because people with this level of self-delusion don't tend to solve problems as large as this.

Your temptation will be to get angry at what I'm writing here - it's happened before when I've called people out on stunning hypocrisy. You should resist the temptation to dismiss what I'm saying just because it makes you angry. I'm saying this because I think it's more helpful to you than being all "hey, that's too bad, keep trying". You need harsh truths to pull out of this. Don't be in denial. This is an emergency for you and your marriage. You need to hit this with everything you've got. And maybe even telling her about your problem is part of that. Many men think they can hide it or fix it quietly, but that almost never happens. You probably think she has had no effects from your behaviour because she doesn't know about your problem, but trust me man, she is worried about you and what's happening to your relationship. Even if she's seeming fine, she's probably hiding her concerns because she can't quite give a voice to them. She will have noticed a decline in intimacy, a change in the way you relate, a change in your connection with her. It's only a matter of time before this blows wide open. You might want to consider getting out ahead of this and confessing before she finds out through other means.

I'm going hard on you here, I know that, but its only because I am concerned for your situation and the danger you are putting yourself, your marriage and your wife in. Give it some thought. I'll support you if you want a brutally honest voice.

It's quite galling to see how these pseudoscientists operate. One can only hope that they will go the way of the climate-change deniers as the evidence mounts on this issue. They will end up looking like Donald Trumps in the fullness of time. Not that there's not enough evidence already, but we will have to wait for enough people to have been affected so that the tipping point is reached where the public consciousness (and the mass media's reporting) tilts on the issue as a whole. I suspect it's a way off yet, but thank god there are fierce minds attacking the issue with integrity like Gary Wilson.

Thank-you Gary, for your tireless efforts. You are changing the world, one article at a time - even though it must feel like a thankless task sometimes.

Hey man, don't lose hope. The fact that you feel so down about this reflects that you do have morals and ethics - just that you are not using a successful strategy to stick to them. The more you think things through and reflect on where you want to be in, say, 1, 2, 5, 10 years time, the more the right answers will come to you. Having a child is a big motivator. Even though you have relapsed since your son was born, it's not too late. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - so to speak! He doesn't consciously know you yet. Make sure that by the time he's walking and talking, you have conquered this addiction. Then you can throw all your energies into building memories and bonding with him. There will be bumps along the way, but make sure your overall momentum is continuous. Best of luck man, and congrats on becoming dad. It happened for me 4 years ago and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Really helped to straighten me out.

Porn Addiction / Re: Are friends causing me to relapse?
« on: July 26, 2019, 10:05:52 AM »
I think you're thinking the right way. People do outgrow relationships. When things change for one person, the relationship has to evolve, or it withers. I would suggest that you talk to them and explain how you're feeling. It can't be that you're spending you're life propping up a friendship to suit their wishes. What about them making an effort to change things for your benefit?

So for friend number one, I'd sit him down and express how you feel about his reluctance to do things and meet up with you. Tell him you don't feel supported by him, and that it's a constant grind having him shoot everything down. Explain that you need things to change for you to keep going with the friendship. Be honest and say that you're ready to walk if he's not into it.

Same for friend number two, really. You have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him what you're finding hard to accept, and more importantly, what you would like your friendship to be like. Maybe he has reasons for what he does that need a spotlight shone on them for his own good too. If you need him to raise his tone around jokes and commentary on women, then just go for it. It's part of your recovery - holding yourself (and others indirectly) to higher standards.

If either or both of them scoff at your requests and blow it off, you really have your answer about them. You'll know that it's a waste of energy putting any more time into these friendships. But I wouldn't drop them without trying to talk with them. They might surprise you. Maybe they want things to change too. Just make sure they are committed to a healthy friendship with you. Sometimes having poor company is more lonely than just being alone.

Excellent post, PH! Very thorough, we'll considered, and totally true. With that attitude, you will succeed. Thanks for your contribution.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« on: July 22, 2019, 01:28:17 AM »
Yep, it's the battle of a lifetime! Just don't give up trying to find ways to turn your mind away from porn and onto good life-affirming things. The more I reflect on this battle, the more i'm convinced that the best form of defence is attack - by that I mean go and put together a satisfying and diverse lifestyle so that there is no longer any room for porn in your life. Don't sit in a room with computer and grit your teeth, chanting, "no, don't do it!". That will lead to failure. That would be my advice.

Porn Addiction / Re: Attraction to active shemales
« on: July 14, 2019, 07:23:40 PM »
I agree with what DoneAtLast posted. And I'll add that you sound like you're in a state of sexual mania/obsession. I have no doubt that you are still actively using porn when I read your words. So before you worry about these life-altering decisions regarding your life, relationships and your geography, the first thing you need to do is get off porn. Do it in any way you can. Block your devices, get rid of your devices. Any way you can stay away from porn. I think you are experiencing obsessive compulsive symptoms around sex, and your fetishes in particular. So first you need to de-escalate this obsession in your brain. Get rid of the porn and focus on other areas in your life. I know this is easier said than done - with your depression problem, you are no doubt medicating yourself with porn and sexual thinking. But this problem is also fuelling your depression. So you are going to have to detox from hypersexuality in order to work out where you stand on your sexuality and your level of depression. I think you will need some psychological support to do this - so do seek that out. You need to make sure you're not alone in dealing with this. Use this forum as a supportive resource too - but most of all, start making changes! The way you're living is not compatible with well-being. It's time to make some changes.

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