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Messages - skipper

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Captain's log
« on: November 04, 2015, 08:18:10 PM »
I'm gonna refresh this journal. But now i have little time.
So trying to do it short and fast: I'm doing this fine. I talked with my wife about my rebooting and i had a relapse on september 27th, but i don't know how to put that on my counter without making a full reset on it.

I'm gonna put more details soon.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Captain's log
« on: September 25, 2015, 11:40:01 AM »
Thank you both Sodonewithit and Hopeful!! Your words are very supportive.

Today, friday it's a good day to talk with my wife about my recovering challenge. She's gonna wait we'll have sex tonight so it put a little pressure on me, but i think i can manage to talk with her and explain what's happening to me. It would bring me relief on all the shame i feel right now.

I don't have many hopes on the sexual performance i would have tonight. I've been 5 days in a row cold turkey and feel some of the flat feelings.

Based on past experience the real danger for me will be tomorrow morning, there can be 2 scenarios:
1.- No sex tonight: tomorrow saturday, i'll wake up early. Since no release last night i might feel "entitled" to PMO.
The solution in that case: try meditation, doing some home workout and final option wake up my wife and ask her for help based on our late night conversation.

2.- Sex tonight: Tomorrow i  can wake up some chain reaction inside me making me crave for more. Usually, when that happened i indulged myself into a long PMO session (and of course after that a long sunday PMO binge).
The solution i'd try: Since this is the most dangerous scenario, i think the best i can do is wake up my wife and my daughter and go out of the house puting the most distance between me and the computer until i can regain selfcontrol.

I think the scenario 2 is the most dangerous, because my past experience the chain reaction to sex is very strong, so the best it's not trying to meditate nor workout and use the little remaining of self control in going out and put a big distance between me and the computer

My mind play tricks on me: "come on, just a picture, there's no harm doing it" or "why bother meditation, do it later" same with workout: "come on dude, do your workout later on the afternoon",  "just a glimpse, after all you did your duty tonight, you deserve some relax". Those thoughts are very poisonous on me, i've felt how fast i runout of selfcontrol.

If tonight i have sex and tomorrow (or the rest of the weekend) i relapse, i'll consider the option of abstain myself from sex for while.

Again, thanks for your support, i know sooner or later we are gonna make it. As i've seen in other journals here, Porn is never an option!!!

Tomorrow i'll show up here to tell you how it goes.


Ages 40 and up / Re: Captain's log
« on: September 24, 2015, 09:58:06 AM »
Hi Kurall_Creator

Thanks for advices, i think i can apply many of them to my situation. And thanks again because of the hopes you give me about the chance to see changes and improvement in about 5 weeks. Going from one in ten to nine in ten successful sexual encounters is really a big thing for me!! You know how frustrating it is when failing to keep an erection long enough.

And about God, i'm now trying to rebuild (or better build) a relation with Him. It's not easy for me, i'm very damaged in many aspects of my life and faith.

I've never thought about a filter before. Now you said it, i really believe it can be helpful, giving me the chance to rethink about what am i doing

I've noticed when i'm doing the steps toward a self defeating session of PMO i usually feel hopeless about my strengths to resist the urges. It's like a self-fulfilled profecy in my head with an internal voice, it says "you can't resist, you are gonna do it again" "there's no point trying to reject it, and of course i always give up.

For now, i think i'm in flat state, i'm not feeling any urge to PMO, today it's thursday, 4th day in a row free of P; but the real challenge will come on friday night and the rest of the weekend. That's the worst time for me. Most of my PMO sessions happen on weekends. Of course that has a terrible impact on my sexual life, because it's the time i can have real sex with my wife. But among PIED, cheap excuses from my part and PMO sessions those days are usually a nightmare.

I'm trying to gather strengths and hope to have a grea weekend (if i win, it would be the 2nd weekend on this year M-free). So the challenge is very big.

What have your fianceé's reactions on your relapses been? I'm very worried about my wife could take it bad, maybe she'll blame herself or even think of me as a failure. She usually is very careful and tender, but i can't help a feeling of uneasiness about the chance of relapsing.


Ages 40 and up / Re: Captain's log
« on: September 22, 2015, 09:46:46 AM »
Thanks Free73

I think you are right. As you and Hopeful said it's very important to count on my wife.

If i tried not to tell her, I'd feel i'm playing a double-faced game and that's a path to failure, for sure. Of course open myself to her scares the shit out of me, just thinking about it makes my mind wonder about "what if i relapse?" "how would i explain that to her i failed again??", "what if she got mad about me and rejected me?"

I don't want her to feel pity about me, because for me the best she could do is give me her support, specially when craves about P and M come (and it's for sure they will come sooner or later). Although  i'm not entitled to get her support freely, i have to do the best to get free.

For now, until this moment, i feel strong about my choice to get free from my addiction. In past i left smoking and alcohol, this one last has been the toughstest of the three.

I really believe if i count with my wife's support and the encouragment of this community, everything's gonna be all right.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Captain's log
« on: September 21, 2015, 04:39:50 PM »
Thanks, Hopeful for your support and advice.

I agree with you about the need of involving my partner, although I’m very afraid of her reaction. Once before I’ve talked with her about it, but i heavily relapsed after just a few days (that was one of the times i tried to reboot on my own). So i think her trust on me is seriously damaged.

Nevertheless, I’m going to figure out some way to talk with her this week.

Thanks again and sure, I’ll  keep strong  and keep on posting.

Ages 40 and up / Re: Could I be the oldest guy here?
« on: September 21, 2015, 11:04:07 AM »
Hi  buddy. I think joining this forum and sharing our experiences can be very good to overcome our addictions.
I agree with other people here about the dangers of your wife's erotic literature library.

About the polyamorous, it's hard for me to tell, there's an extense branch of amateur porn about that topic, so maybe you can have a deep self analysis of your own feelings about it.

But the most important thing is to keep doing the good job!!


Ages 40 and up / Captain's log
« on: September 21, 2015, 10:05:21 AM »
Well, this is my journal.

I'd want to start from the begining, but first i want to tell you my native language isn't english, so please excuse my grammar and orthography mistakes. Also, i hope i won't give too many triggers to other people and myself.

I'm 44, addicted to porn and masturbation since 12. I started masturbation on my own (no one told me how to do it) and very soon i found out using pictures from lingerie and swimsuit catalogs increased the pleasure i got. Then about 17 i changed it to erotic magazines i bought near home and i had very hard time hiding them to my parents. In time i gathered a big number of material and i used to masturbate watching many mags at the same time spreading them over my bed.

Internet came to my  life when i was 27 (that was in 1998), and with it a massive amount of an ever growing quantity of porn resources that has never stoped. At that time Internet wasn't the high speed thing it is now, but i managed to search and find many web pages with erotic and porn material.

Before that, in the old times of magazines things weren't good, but at least there was a limit of the amount of porn i could access. But when Internet arrived my masturbation cravings were going worst and much of my life downhill; spending so much time in front of the computer's screen and wasting many life opportunities.

Despite that, i managed to keep an active sexual life with my then girlfriend and later wife, although we only had sex about once a week (she kept complaining that wasn't enough for her, but i couldn't and wouldn't do more about it).

In 1999 i move by myself and i bought a TV just to put porn DVD's and VHS (yes, i still had those at the time). And amassed a huge number of CD i burned with the P material, but i never saw them, i always craved new stuff everytime. But for some reason i had to keep the pics and videos and couldn't just delete them.

I got married in february 2003, i kept the same amount of sex about once every one or two weeks, i noticed then i prefered much more watching porn and masturbate than having sex with my wife. At the time i was so numbed that it didn't bother me, i said to myself at least i was having sex with her.

Oh God, i can't help feel  shame and anger towards myself!!!, but i know it has no point here and now and it's detrimental to my success' chances.

In 2006 I finally it got full speed internet at home, i used to spend most of my weekends in long sessions of masturbation and edging. My tastes started scaling up to more kinky and extreme, many times very self degrading. At that moment i didn't know it was because i need it to feel the same pleasure i used to.

I tried to reboot on my own many times before. Because something inside me kept telling me what i was doing was very wrong. So somtimes i destroyed the porn, thrashed the CD, DVDs, magazines and so on. But less than a week later everything started again.

Last sunday 20th was the moment i decided to do things a different way. I decided to join this Forum. Why was that?

We had long long weekend, it started on wednesday 16th til sunday 20th (i took one day from job's vacation and the rest was for national day and regular weekend). But I simply couldn't have sex with my wife any single day!!! I masturbated everyday and everytime i finished i said to myself "this must stop, i want to have sex with my wife", but it was useless i repeated the cycle many times those days.

Finally, on sunday morning, i made my wife climax using my fingers. Sad.

Later that day, i decided i had left things go too far too much time. I have to do something.

I'm doing something right now; I'm sharing this with you and even with myself.

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