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Messages - Hablablos

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: May 26, 2020, 11:49:01 AM »
Looks like my plan to post at least 2 or 3 doesn't work that much. I know that I should post something here, but I am also doing other things and postpone writing here.

Well, now for the update. Unfortunately I relapsed. It was caused by chaser effect. I was having sex with my girlfriend and the next day I really couldn't much do to stop myself. On the other hand I find myself being more attracted toward my girlfriend. She is an amazing person and helped me with many things, nor just staying away from porn. I am really glad for her.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: April 27, 2020, 05:55:50 AM »
Hello Achilles, I am glad that you are doing well, just continue even those days when they won't feel great.

Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.
About motivation I discovered one quote years ago, but suits me fine even these days:
"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time. Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

Just keep going, you are doing great. And even short entry helps!  ;)

Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 days goal
« on: April 27, 2020, 05:50:49 AM »
Hello Paul, I am sorry I am answering to so late. Hoping you are doing better  :).

Mind if I ask you, why do want to quit this addiction? What are your reasons? You don't have to answer here, but I think you should answer it for yourself.

And keep going, you will overcome this.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: April 27, 2020, 05:48:44 AM »
It's almost end of the month, but I didn't have much space to write here. Mainly because of quarantine. My girlfriend is home all the time, because she has home office. I have manual work, so I am going to work. Being with my girlfriend all the time sometimes leads to argues. Luckily we can talk to each other about things that bother us, so we figured some things out.

I managed to don't PMO for 54 days, which is a miracle. But I still have problems with edging and sometimes lurking for new stories. But at least I feel better when we have sex together. So now I just don't have to ruin it all.

Ages 20-29 / Re: 100 days goal
« on: April 06, 2020, 04:31:41 AM »
Hi Paul, how are you doing?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: April 06, 2020, 04:17:46 AM »
Since my last update I managed to not relapse. Now I am over 30 days, which didn't happen in several years. I am glad for it. I am sometimes suffering from headaches, but I take them as necessary evil in order to reboot. Unfortunatelly I sometimes edge to erotic stories and comics. I am not proud of that and I know I have to limit those too.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: March 11, 2020, 04:47:32 AM »
Well, I managed to stay 8 days without PMO. For me this is a great success, because I have problems to stay away even for a week. I am using app called Reboot on my phone, and one thing I really like about it, is that it's checking your progress. Just a simple question every evening, but I really like this idea.

This weekened was tough. We were visiting my family and my girlfriend doesn't like my mother much. On our way back we had a terrible quarrel. Can't say it's better now, because we hurt each other a lot. Can't stop thinking about some things my girlfriend said.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: February 29, 2020, 07:31:32 AM »
Hi, dude! I've read your journal today and it gave me so much motivation. Because I also had this terrible lonely childhood in front of computer since very early age. It's so cool that you have so much inner power to overcome all this. Currently i'm the same 23 year old guy as you've been in the beginning.

Hello Paul. I'm glad my journal gave you a lot of motivation. I wish you that you manage to deal with this addiction much better than I did.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: February 28, 2020, 04:36:08 AM »
It's been almost a year. I wish I could proudly say, that I didn't have any problems with porn, but that's not true. I still have them. I was trying dealing with them on my own, but as I said before I won't beat this alone. Sometimes I just need to vent problems I have inside. Also not long ago me and my girlfriend celebrates 2 years together.

One of major changes in my life is that my father commited suicide last year. Nobody expected that. Altrough we didn't had a great relationship between us, sometimes I feel sad for what he did. Because it hurt a lot people.

I am still reading books. So I stumbled upon a nice quotes when I was reading The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge, which I hope will be beneficial for you:

The struggle is not make feeling go away. The struggle is not to give in to the feeling.

Any time spent resisting is beneficial, ever! That ressistace, that efford is what appears to lay down new circuits in your brain.

I'll try to write at least 2-3 per month. I know that writing here every week is not possible for me. I really want to move on. For me, for my girlfriend and for both of us.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: March 26, 2019, 04:59:17 AM »
Hello guys,

It's been almost 3 months since my last update. There was a lot going on during this time. First of all, I moved in with my girlfriend since the beginning of March, so now we are living together. So far, we are good with each other and moving things around. But there are moments when we argue, but that's because we both are used for some things.

There are also moments, when my girlfriend has angry/depresed moods, which are result of my porn addiction. She loves sex with me, but we don't do it so often as she would like. I am holding back, because I am afraid of having weak erection.

My addiction is getting better. I managed to beat 10 days several times, but didn't reach for at least 14 days. But I am trying to get there. And with these strikes my brain is also strugling and wants it's dopamine shots. Sometimes I hold on, sometimes I have problems.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 19, 2019, 09:19:09 AM »
Hello achilles,

sorry to hear about your relapse. Just remember that this relapse didn't destroy everything you did and your progress in other areas of your life. You'll get back to your healthy daily routines. Just be careful that you don't start with too many at once. Keep going man.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 08, 2019, 05:14:21 AM »
Thank you for your constant support, Hablablos!
I thank you for yours as well.
Things with the girl shift more towards a friends with benefits direction, nothing serious, but that's because I don't want a relationship at the moment and I am honest about it.
Mind if I ask why don't you want a relationship?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: February 01, 2019, 01:43:45 PM »
Hello achilles,

well, not very well. I am still strugling and have problems to hold on for a week. Last thing I changed was setting in K9. I hope that my brain don't find another way around. On the other site I am going to live with my girlfriend. Now I am dealing with moving my things to her. But that shouldn't be a big issue, because I have some friends that can help me with that. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 01, 2019, 12:50:50 PM »
You are right, things are going well - but I feel like I need to work even harder now and not lower my guards.
I understand that, because brain can be very creative and persuasive. Which makes it harder. As you said you managed to hold on for more than 5 month. That's incredible.  ;) By the way, how's your date?  :)

You've reached impressive streaks before and you will do again by consistency, just keep fighting!
I know, but that was years ago. Literally. Since that I didn't managed to hold on for long. And that's been going for a long time.
Mostly because I was dealing with many things. Being without job, moving to another city, looking for a place to live, finding a job and not end up broke. Those things I managed to deal with. But not with porn. And yet I tried to do a lot of things in order to keep myself from it. :(

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: January 16, 2019, 12:53:18 PM »
Wow, looks like I really don't do much in term of keeping this journal updated. I had a busy December, mainly because of work and organisating christmas visits. Now is January and I am trying to get some of my habits in order. Unfortunatelly my porn use is bad. When I find a way to stop myself from accessing porn, in a few days I find some new way. On the bright side I am capable of staying away for a week. Which was something almost impossible for me for the most of last year.

With my girlfriend we will soon be celebrating one year together. And we are going to live together. This way we'll see if we can stand each other and this relationship has a chance.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 16, 2019, 12:42:28 PM »
Hi achilles, you are doing great man. I admit, I envy you that you are holding really well. Other than that I wish that your date will end up well. You deserve it.  :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 22, 2018, 06:11:28 AM »
If you have a car: Leave your phone in the car, works for me.
No, I don't have a car. But I found a solution. Found an app called Applock, blocked default browser and settings, so only browser I can use is the one blocking porn in case I really need to use net on mobile. And let my girlfriend to change password to this app.

So far I am managing quite good. When I look at my spreadsheet I see a real difference between this month and 3 previous. I'll try not to ruin it during the upcoming week. Unfortunatelly I can feel, that my brain is starting to longing for a porn. It will be definitely a hard week for me.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 12, 2018, 04:16:31 AM »
Hey Achilles, it's better now, but I still have a long way to go. It's not that long that I relapsed. But on the other hand I am managing to last longer and longer. But because Christmas is coming, in work we will have a lot to do and if it will look like last year, I'll have to go on overtime.

Things are quite good with my girlfriend, although we had a few disagreement. But these are things that happens in every relationship. Luckily, we can listen to each other, which makes this situation great. I probably didn't mentioned it sooner, but I am really glad I have her.  :)

It term of porn, I need to figure a way with that damn phone. I hardly reach any porn on computer, I can't connect via wifi on my phone, because I had my phone blocked. Only thing that left are mobile data. I don't have much data on general, but I don't watch videos. I spent my P days reading stories. And they don't have that much.

Another thing I know I should work on is to write here in my journal. But because I am quite busy, I postpone this one telling myself I write it tommorow, and then 5 days are off. Unfortunatelly when I write, it's not the possitive post. :(

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: November 12, 2018, 03:59:11 AM »
Lately I noticed a change of mind and now made my decision to take some major steps in 2019. I am unhappy with my personal life and apart from rebooting my brain I need to reboot my life as a whole. My whole life I preferred to not take risks to avoid failure, this is the key to my procrastination and also part of my addiction. This attitude will lead me to look back on a life of missed opportunities later and I need to change it. The first step is done as I am convinced of leaving the old behind - now I need to build the new step by step.
That's the spirit!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 25, 2018, 04:05:16 AM »
9th day of out 14
Maybe it's time to change some routines in life - rearrange the furniture, decorate your flat, change the sound of the alarm clock, buy a paper notebook to not use your phone anymore to write down things... that's some of the things I did before starting the current streak after not making it to a month clean for a long time. An impulse to tell the brain about a new beginning. It might help until you passed the critical first weeks.
Thanks for the tips. Actually this weekend I bough a new pieces of furniture, which I wanted for some time. At this moment I am also looking for a plant to my room. I might wrote in my previous post inaccurately. I hardly use phone for surfing on internet. I use it as a dumb phone most of the time. Problem was, that because I had effective filters on my computer, my brain realized, that smartphone is a backdoor. And you know how it usually ends up, especially when it's a forbitten fruit.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 20, 2018, 05:49:11 AM »
Hold on mate, you have no reason to relapse. Just tell that mindset to fuck off.  :D

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 20, 2018, 05:47:48 AM »
4th day out of 7

Yep, relapsed again. I really have a problem with my filters. I started using K9 about 2 months ago. Unfortunatelly I also found too many ways to bypass it. I know that one cannot rely on filters alone. I am aware of that. I am working on many things, yet because porn is so lucrative, my brain looks on a ways to get it. And it's quite succesful in it. Quite disadvantage when I am working with computers most of my life.

With my girlfriend we had a discusion about porn. I explained her, how I got here and sent her A Great Porn Experiment, so she has some understanding about it. And I don't want her to think that she is not good enough, so I run to porn. I also let her change my password for filters, because when I have them within my reach, sooner or later I'll use them. Then I am angry on myself that I succumbed once again.

I even got in the situation, when I had to put filter on my smartphone. Which is quite sad, because I use my smartphone just as ordinary phone or like a notebook, when I find something interesting. Like when I came across interesting line or a thought in a book.

I hope, it will force me to focus on things I want to work on, so this things will finally move on.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 10, 2018, 04:13:33 AM »
You are doing great mate.

In terms of my mindset I spotted a perfectionist all-or-nothing approach to hold me back in life.

I know this approach well. It is still part of me, mostly it cames out when I try to write something really importat for me. But I know it will never be perfect. So in my case when it comes to writing I do a few revisions and I send it out. Otherwise it would be never-ending cycle.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 10, 2018, 04:02:14 AM »
Good to see you're back on track! This fight is about consistency and as you already reached longer streaks, you will find your way again. Congrats on the first week!
Thanks achilles. It's true I reached long strikes before, but as I said, that was long time ago. Way too many things happened in my life, and still happen. As you said, I'll find a way. That's what I do. :-) Thanks

1st day out of 7
Yep, I relapsed once again. Which is quite sad, because I was starting to feel quite good. Even my girlfriend said, that I acted differently in bed. But I have problem dealing with frustration. I have plenty of my own projects when I am not at work. Yet I somehow think they I don't work on them fast enough and they lay still. Which is not true, because I am doing even a little things so they move forward each day. Damn my perfectionism.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 04, 2018, 04:09:34 AM »
7th day of out 7

It's been a full week. For me it's a great accomplishment, because I don't really remember last time I managed that. I guess it would be when I was still active here. Since my last post I relapsed once,  because at one day many thing fell apart and I felt frustrated.

Other thing what is really taking toll on me is that past 2 months I didn't have any free weekend just for myself. I was still traveling somewhere. Because of that I didn't have time to work on some things I wanted or just do some housework.

I also have a spreadsheet for 2 months. Unfortunatelly when I look at it, I use porn quite often. Sure I have filters on once again, but because I work with computers often, I sometimes discover a way around.

Another thing I really suffer from is I am tired and have constant headaches. I don't doubt they are connected with my tries to disconnect from porn.

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