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Messages - Hablablos

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: March 26, 2019, 04:59:17 AM »
Hello guys,

It's been almost 3 months since my last update. There was a lot going on during this time. First of all, I moved in with my girlfriend since the beginning of March, so now we are living together. So far, we are good with each other and moving things around. But there are moments when we argue, but that's because we both are used for some things.

There are also moments, when my girlfriend has angry/depresed moods, which are result of my porn addiction. She loves sex with me, but we don't do it so often as she would like. I am holding back, because I am afraid of having weak erection.

My addiction is getting better. I managed to beat 10 days several times, but didn't reach for at least 14 days. But I am trying to get there. And with these strikes my brain is also strugling and wants it's dopamine shots. Sometimes I hold on, sometimes I have problems.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 19, 2019, 09:19:09 AM »
Hello achilles,

sorry to hear about your relapse. Just remember that this relapse didn't destroy everything you did and your progress in other areas of your life. You'll get back to your healthy daily routines. Just be careful that you don't start with too many at once. Keep going man.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 08, 2019, 05:14:21 AM »
Thank you for your constant support, Hablablos!
I thank you for yours as well.
Things with the girl shift more towards a friends with benefits direction, nothing serious, but that's because I don't want a relationship at the moment and I am honest about it.
Mind if I ask why don't you want a relationship?

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: February 01, 2019, 01:43:45 PM »
Hello achilles,

well, not very well. I am still strugling and have problems to hold on for a week. Last thing I changed was setting in K9. I hope that my brain don't find another way around. On the other site I am going to live with my girlfriend. Now I am dealing with moving my things to her. But that shouldn't be a big issue, because I have some friends that can help me with that. :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: February 01, 2019, 12:50:50 PM »
You are right, things are going well - but I feel like I need to work even harder now and not lower my guards.
I understand that, because brain can be very creative and persuasive. Which makes it harder. As you said you managed to hold on for more than 5 month. That's incredible.  ;) By the way, how's your date?  :)

You've reached impressive streaks before and you will do again by consistency, just keep fighting!
I know, but that was years ago. Literally. Since that I didn't managed to hold on for long. And that's been going for a long time.
Mostly because I was dealing with many things. Being without job, moving to another city, looking for a place to live, finding a job and not end up broke. Those things I managed to deal with. But not with porn. And yet I tried to do a lot of things in order to keep myself from it. :(

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: January 16, 2019, 12:53:18 PM »
Wow, looks like I really don't do much in term of keeping this journal updated. I had a busy December, mainly because of work and organisating christmas visits. Now is January and I am trying to get some of my habits in order. Unfortunatelly my porn use is bad. When I find a way to stop myself from accessing porn, in a few days I find some new way. On the bright side I am capable of staying away for a week. Which was something almost impossible for me for the most of last year.

With my girlfriend we will soon be celebrating one year together. And we are going to live together. This way we'll see if we can stand each other and this relationship has a chance.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: January 16, 2019, 12:42:28 PM »
Hi achilles, you are doing great man. I admit, I envy you that you are holding really well. Other than that I wish that your date will end up well. You deserve it.  :)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 22, 2018, 06:11:28 AM »
If you have a car: Leave your phone in the car, works for me.
No, I don't have a car. But I found a solution. Found an app called Applock, blocked default browser and settings, so only browser I can use is the one blocking porn in case I really need to use net on mobile. And let my girlfriend to change password to this app.

So far I am managing quite good. When I look at my spreadsheet I see a real difference between this month and 3 previous. I'll try not to ruin it during the upcoming week. Unfortunatelly I can feel, that my brain is starting to longing for a porn. It will be definitely a hard week for me.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 12, 2018, 04:16:31 AM »
Hey Achilles, it's better now, but I still have a long way to go. It's not that long that I relapsed. But on the other hand I am managing to last longer and longer. But because Christmas is coming, in work we will have a lot to do and if it will look like last year, I'll have to go on overtime.

Things are quite good with my girlfriend, although we had a few disagreement. But these are things that happens in every relationship. Luckily, we can listen to each other, which makes this situation great. I probably didn't mentioned it sooner, but I am really glad I have her.  :)

It term of porn, I need to figure a way with that damn phone. I hardly reach any porn on computer, I can't connect via wifi on my phone, because I had my phone blocked. Only thing that left are mobile data. I don't have much data on general, but I don't watch videos. I spent my P days reading stories. And they don't have that much.

Another thing I know I should work on is to write here in my journal. But because I am quite busy, I postpone this one telling myself I write it tommorow, and then 5 days are off. Unfortunatelly when I write, it's not the possitive post. :(

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: November 12, 2018, 03:59:11 AM »
Lately I noticed a change of mind and now made my decision to take some major steps in 2019. I am unhappy with my personal life and apart from rebooting my brain I need to reboot my life as a whole. My whole life I preferred to not take risks to avoid failure, this is the key to my procrastination and also part of my addiction. This attitude will lead me to look back on a life of missed opportunities later and I need to change it. The first step is done as I am convinced of leaving the old behind - now I need to build the new step by step.
That's the spirit!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 25, 2018, 04:05:16 AM »
9th day of out 14
Maybe it's time to change some routines in life - rearrange the furniture, decorate your flat, change the sound of the alarm clock, buy a paper notebook to not use your phone anymore to write down things... that's some of the things I did before starting the current streak after not making it to a month clean for a long time. An impulse to tell the brain about a new beginning. It might help until you passed the critical first weeks.
Thanks for the tips. Actually this weekend I bough a new pieces of furniture, which I wanted for some time. At this moment I am also looking for a plant to my room. I might wrote in my previous post inaccurately. I hardly use phone for surfing on internet. I use it as a dumb phone most of the time. Problem was, that because I had effective filters on my computer, my brain realized, that smartphone is a backdoor. And you know how it usually ends up, especially when it's a forbitten fruit.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 20, 2018, 05:49:11 AM »
Hold on mate, you have no reason to relapse. Just tell that mindset to fuck off.  :D

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 20, 2018, 05:47:48 AM »
4th day out of 7

Yep, relapsed again. I really have a problem with my filters. I started using K9 about 2 months ago. Unfortunatelly I also found too many ways to bypass it. I know that one cannot rely on filters alone. I am aware of that. I am working on many things, yet because porn is so lucrative, my brain looks on a ways to get it. And it's quite succesful in it. Quite disadvantage when I am working with computers most of my life.

With my girlfriend we had a discusion about porn. I explained her, how I got here and sent her A Great Porn Experiment, so she has some understanding about it. And I don't want her to think that she is not good enough, so I run to porn. I also let her change my password for filters, because when I have them within my reach, sooner or later I'll use them. Then I am angry on myself that I succumbed once again.

I even got in the situation, when I had to put filter on my smartphone. Which is quite sad, because I use my smartphone just as ordinary phone or like a notebook, when I find something interesting. Like when I came across interesting line or a thought in a book.

I hope, it will force me to focus on things I want to work on, so this things will finally move on.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Free At Last
« on: October 10, 2018, 04:13:33 AM »
You are doing great mate.

In terms of my mindset I spotted a perfectionist all-or-nothing approach to hold me back in life.

I know this approach well. It is still part of me, mostly it cames out when I try to write something really importat for me. But I know it will never be perfect. So in my case when it comes to writing I do a few revisions and I send it out. Otherwise it would be never-ending cycle.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 10, 2018, 04:02:14 AM »
Good to see you're back on track! This fight is about consistency and as you already reached longer streaks, you will find your way again. Congrats on the first week!
Thanks achilles. It's true I reached long strikes before, but as I said, that was long time ago. Way too many things happened in my life, and still happen. As you said, I'll find a way. That's what I do. :-) Thanks

1st day out of 7
Yep, I relapsed once again. Which is quite sad, because I was starting to feel quite good. Even my girlfriend said, that I acted differently in bed. But I have problem dealing with frustration. I have plenty of my own projects when I am not at work. Yet I somehow think they I don't work on them fast enough and they lay still. Which is not true, because I am doing even a little things so they move forward each day. Damn my perfectionism.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: October 04, 2018, 04:09:34 AM »
7th day of out 7

It's been a full week. For me it's a great accomplishment, because I don't really remember last time I managed that. I guess it would be when I was still active here. Since my last post I relapsed once,  because at one day many thing fell apart and I felt frustrated.

Other thing what is really taking toll on me is that past 2 months I didn't have any free weekend just for myself. I was still traveling somewhere. Because of that I didn't have time to work on some things I wanted or just do some housework.

I also have a spreadsheet for 2 months. Unfortunatelly when I look at it, I use porn quite often. Sure I have filters on once again, but because I work with computers often, I sometimes discover a way around.

Another thing I really suffer from is I am tired and have constant headaches. I don't doubt they are connected with my tries to disconnect from porn.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: September 21, 2018, 04:53:32 AM »
It's been a long time since I wrote anything here. With a few months it would be almost a year. A lot of things has changed in my life. One of major things I finally have a girlfriend and we are together for more than half a year. And I am doing my best to keep this relationship working. Other than that I moved to quite nice place, where I have room for myself. That helps me with working on my stuff.

Unfortunately figthing with my addiction wasn't very succesful. During all that time I don't think I managed to stay away even for a week.  Despite the fact that I have girlfriend. Which is quite sad.

Back than I though that with girlfriend staying away from porn would be much easier. I was mistaken. I am very well aware that by using porn I am hurting her. And yes, she knows about my addiction. She also wants to help me, so I can beat it. But now she has a lot of her own problems at school and I am trying to support her.

My girlfriend isn't only reason why I came back. There is also the fact, that I am very tired thanks to a lot of work I do and porn use. I really like this line: "Of course, it's difficult to improve your life when you're having intense porn sessions every single day that drain your energy and make you a zombie." And term zombie perfectly suits me at this moment.

I know that writing into my journal was very helpful back than and I hope, that I finally manage to hold on for more than a week and later even more.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 21, 2017, 06:33:34 AM »
Hello Nope, i wouldn't say I am back. Sure, I check some topics from time to time, but that's all. I hardly have anything more to say. I don't have problems with working at jobs. I look for those, where they will learn me useful things, which I will need later in my career. Or like at this moment, to gain some benefits which will help me. And I wasn't born rich, quite the opposite, I ended up poor.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: November 15, 2017, 02:43:21 AM »
Happy anniversary. It's been three years (plus a few days) since I discovered I am addicted to porn. And unfortunately there is still a long way to go. Since my last update I managed to find a job, just a few days after. It isn't where I wanted to work, but I had no other option. I can try that later.

It is also better paid job that I've ever had. Now I just have to do my best to let them keep me. That will be decided in the end of this month. It's a physically demaning job, but that doesn't bother me that much. At least I'll be in good shape. :-D

In general I am really tired, because I am still dealing with way too many things. Wish I could just a take a break for some time, but I can't.

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: August 25, 2017, 06:31:31 AM »
Since my last update there has been a few things. First of all I didn't get the contract I hoped for. So I had to find a job quickly, because I didn't have a luxury of following what I wanted. I am very short on money atm. Luckily I found something, so I don't have to think twice about if I really need this and that when I am buying food.

As you can imagine, this is quite hard and led to relapse many times. Unfortunately I screwed it so much I have brain fog once again and have problems to focus on things and my projects. And with girls it's bad as well.

When you read profiles of girls on datesites, many of them say they want somebody who is nice and who knows what he wants. I know exactly what I want to achieve in my life and I am doing what I can to reach that. But when you address those girls, you won't get any answer anyway. They would rather wait another year hoping for their Prince Charming nonsence instead of going out with you.

Since last year, when I realised that no girl will just appear at my doorsteps and was doing something to find a girlfriend I was rejected for many reasons. For example I was rejected because I am younger than her, because I don't earn enough, because I am introvert and best of all, because I am virgin so I won't be faithful. And here you read something about thinking about your future girlfriend and wife and what this addiction can cause to them. I am well aware of what it causes to them! I would love have a girlfriend, to finally feed love and being loved and but I hardly get that chance.

I did my fair share of study about relationship so I won't just wait for my "soulmate". I was in that illusion for long enough. How long it would take anyway? Another year? 3 years? 5? No thanks. No wonder some guys really hate women, I have those moments too.

I am frustrated, dispirited and angry, because after all that hard work and effort I put last 2 years and still feel like my situation isn't getting any better.

Hi IAdmitIt,

I just wanted to stop by and say, that you are really great. Staying for 30 days is great thing and I hope you will beat this as well. And staying clear for almost 50 days is definitely something you should be proud of. I also wanted to ask you, if you found any of the books I recommended helful?

Keep going man!

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: May 28, 2017, 01:38:17 PM »
It's been some time since I last posted anything. But honestly, there wasn't much to tell, because I was in same circle and you don't need to read about my relapses over and over again. For the last 5 months I was looking for a job in two cities. It was in specific area I was self-studying for last 2 years. I personally didn't think that it would take me so long for me to find a job, because my earned experiences through self-study helped my previous employers a lot.

As you can probably imagine it was very hard period. A lot of free time, being constantly rejected by one company after another. As a result countless relapses and nights, when I just had to cry. Yeah, I was still reading and working on my projects, but I still had more than enough free time. If I got any reply it was: "We have to inform you we found a better candidate. Better luck next time." When you read this for like 20th time, you sure are positive as hell.

I probably got lucky, because one company showed an interest in me. You think there's a catch? There is, like everything my fucking life. I've got 3 months long intership without any payment, where they will be teaching me and I have to prove myself and hope I'll get a contract in the end. To do all of that I had to move to another city and I am using all my savings in order to somehow manage those 3 months. From what I counted it looks like I will be left with nothing after that. What a way how to start living on my own. But I won't be home all the time at least.

Because of being unsure where I'll work I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. Long distance relationship isn't something I want or I can afford. Now I know where I'll work I'll probably start once again. One more reason to do my best in order to get that job. After a long time I feel like I have major influence on my own life once again. What's ahead is up to me this time.

I don't like to compare myself to others, but this time I make an exception. I have a good friend and in many cases we are similar. Yet when he started dating once again, he had new girlfriend in no time. Me, still single, still virgin. When he was looking for a job, he found what he wanted to doin no time, but quit, because working conditions were terrible and was taking it's toll on him and his relationship as well. With little effort he found new one once again. Me, 3 months ahead without any payment. Don't get me wrong, I wish him well, no question about that, but this unfairness just pisses me off. Very funny was a moment, when he told me he wonders why even after everything I went through I have problems finding a girlfriend. Would like to know that one too. It must be a really hilarious reason.

Just putting this topic out of dust. Otherwise nothing new.

Hi LongRebooter,

I understand your situation very well, because I am in this frustrating position as well. Althrough I small victories with girls, it wasn't anything dramatic as I wished for. And I am still a virgin as well. Now it depends on what you want. If it is just sex or if you want a real relationship. I am offering you resources, which helped me a lot to to even gain those little victories:

Models (Mark Manson) - I recommend you to read this book for sure, because it really helped me. Author describes effect of vulnerability on girls and give you guide how to become more attractive person. Before reading this book I was completely naive a clueless about topic of dating.

The Alabaster Girl (Zan Perrion)

No More Mr Nice Guy (Robert Glover)

Ages 20-29 / Re: Through another Hell (Journal)
« on: March 15, 2017, 08:57:40 AM »
Yesterday I was on an interview about job for a major company along with 7 other people. Unfortunately I was rejected. What was worse was reason why I was turned down. They were impressed by my ability to be aware of many things and it was clear that I know what I would be doing. Yet in one particular test where we were supposed to cooperate I hardly could do anything, because others took all the attention on themselves and as an introvert I really can't do much in situations like these.

I was turned down not because I was lacking important skills or that I wasn't capable of working with information. I was put in situation where as an introvert I much less chance to impress. I was punished just for who I am, because they weren't looking for "the best" candidate, but for someone who suited them most. Which is extrovert stereotype in most cases. I can stand when I lose, relapse, when I lack skills that can be learned or when there is clearly somebody better than me.  But being turned down just because I am introvert, this is too damn hard for me to swallow.

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